The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 18 - Two Men on a Hoarse - full transcript
Felix has to push Oscar to have his throat operation.
Operator... Huh?
No, Operator, I
was just cleaning.
What did the doctor say?
(mumbling)
(mimicking Oscar)
I don't understand
talk like that.
Why won't you answer me?
'Cause Dr. Melnitz put
me on some medicine
and then he put
me on voice rest.
And that's all
Dr. Melnitz did? Yeah.
Said I was fine. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Where's your phone?
I want to call Dr. Melnitz.
All right, all right!
He said my throat
was a little irritated.
If I gargle with hot
water and salt, I'll be fine.
Salt water and that's all? Yeah.
I already called Dr. Melnitz.
Well, I'm not gonna
have the operation!
Yes you are! No, I'm not!
He's a quack. What does...
Who are you to call?
What are you, my mother?
No, but I wish I could
punish you for lying.
Just leave me alone, will you?
I've got to get dressed here.
Can't believe this.
Unbelievable.
Nice. Uh-huh.
You're being so ridiculous.
He even recommended
a wonderful surgeon.
Who? That Dr. Kreeky?
Kooky?
Dr. Krakauer happens
to be the best throat
man in New York.
Well, you can forget about it.
I'm not gonna
have the operation.
My voice is fine.
Well, your voice
was fine yesterday.
It's always fine until you yell.
Well, don't make me yell, huh?
Oh, swell.
It's all set, Oscar...
You're going in
the hospital tonight.
Oh, did you arrange
everything? Yes.
Isn't that nice.
Well, I can't go
even if I wanted
to I couldn't go.
I have something very
important to do tonight.
Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman
is not all that important.
It's not Crazy Rhoda, smart guy.
I'm gonna be on The Dick
Cavett Show, and I'm late now.
The Dick Cavett Show?!
Yeah.
Wow!
Why didn't you tell me?
It just came up this afternoon.
It's because of that
racetrack scandal I uncovered.
Will you help me find
my black shoes, please?
Black shoes. Yeah.
Here. Oh, they're right there.
There's a pickle in this shoe.
You're always after
me to use a shoe tree,
aren't you?
It's very hard to find
a size 11D pickle.
I just realized something very,
very important about you. What?
In the words of the
great Sigmund Freud,
you're a fraidy cat.
I am not a fraidy cat.
What about the dentist?
You insisted on gas to
have your teeth cleaned.
Oh, I needed a
nap, that's all. Yeah.
You're afraid of doctors.
I am not afraid of
doctors. Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I just
don't like doctors.
The last doctor I liked
wore a bone in his nose.
That's a typical
fraidy cat reaction.
Well, no matter what you say,
I'm not gonna have the operation.
And that's the end of it,
okay? All right. All right.
It doesn't matter to
me; I did all I could.
Good. I'll get him
in the hospital.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
As, uh, most of you
have probably read,
a major racetrack scandal
was uncovered in the past week
and one of the, uh, best-known
sportswriters in America,
Oscar Madison, got that story.
Mr. Madison is here tonight
to talk about the whole...
30 seconds, Mr. Madison.
Yeah, sure. Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
You ready to go?
Yeah, in a few seconds.
No, leave it alone, will you.
I just spoke to Dr. Krakauer.
Again with Dr. Krakauer.
He'll operate tomorrow.
Will you stop, Felix, please!
He's gonna squeeze you in.
Tell him to squeeze
me out again.
I'm going on in a
few sec... No, no.
What's the matter with
you? You'll get this done.
(overlapping chatter)
Don't shout... you're
gonna hurt your voice.
Don't shout.
(groaning): I'm gonna
get... I lost my voice.
You did, you hurt your
voice again, didn't you?
You know what's
gonna happen now?
You're gonna go out there
and make a fool of yourself.
Will you welcome
please Mr. Oscar Madison.
(applause) Right here.
(whispering): My
voice... I can't. You're on.
You're on. You're on.
You're on. I can't do it.
Come on, Mr. Madison.
You're on. (whispering):
I can't go on.
OSCAR: I can't.
My guest wasn't
exactly in place.
They have a hammerlock on him.
We sometimes have to do that.
We had to get one on Helen
Hayes to get her to come out.
Here is... here he is now,
Mister... there you are.
Mr. Madison, very
nice to see you.
Can we hear it for Mr. Madison
as he sits down.
(laughing): I was a little
worried there for a moment.
Say, you, uh, you've
created quite a stir
with this whole, uh,
racetrack scandal
and there are a couple of points
I'd like to clear up right away.
One of them is that the
underworld has in a sense
gotten to you and sort of, uh,
asked you to clam up
about this whole thing.
Is there any-any truth to that?
Perhaps you could sort of
recap the story for
us from the beginning.
(coughs and gulps)
I'm sorry, I can't...
We're having a little, uh...
you're gonna have to speak up.
You'll have to talk much louder.
You're gonna get...
Are you feeling...
Do you feel that you're
using your full voice?
Because I'm not hearing you.
I seem to be having an
auditory deficiency of my own.
What, um, what is the matter?
FELIX: The matter is the
man needs a throat operation,
that's what the matter is.
Who's that?
Uh, are-are you aware
of the man in the wings?
This is the strangest
night I think I've had yet.
What is, uh, what is that?
That man needs
a throat operation,
that's what the trouble is.
FELIX: He won't have it.
Is he with you?
Would you want to come
out here and explain this?
I don't know what's
going on out here.
On TV? Yeah, come right out.
These are the cameras.
I could use a little help.
I haven't been in makeup yet.
Oh, that's all
right. You look fine.
Just have a... have a chair.
Stage Manager.
Thank you.
Just...
have a seat. Loved your
book! Loved your book!
Oh, thank you.
You-you know each
other, then. Yes.
Uh, what were you
talking about backstage?
I really didn't
understand this at all.
This foolish man has a
serious throat condition,
which he has chosen
to simply ignore.
I see. Well, uh, can
you tell the story then
about the racetrack
scandal for him,
so we...?
I don't bother my mind
with those silly things.
You know who was a
wonderful guest with you,
I mean, just loved him?
Lord Laurence Olivier.
Now, that-that was really good.
If that man had a throat
condition, you'd never know it,
because the man is a
trouper. CAVETT: Yes.
Have you seen him
sell those cameras?
Isn't that... What
are you trying to do?
This man's going to
be on twice a month,
and you're ruining it for him.
You're going to get
him fired forever.
All of you people who think
this man should have
an operation, signify.
(applause)
How many feel this man
should also have an operation?
(cheering, applause)
Will you please give me
my thermometer back?
Relax, it's only a
minor operation.
(laughing)
That's close enough.
Close enough to what?
Close enough to operate.
Thanks a lot.
Your surgeon will
be in a few minutes.
You'll like him.
He's a real cutup.
You hear what she said?
Dr. Krakauer is a real cutup.
Look what I'm talking
to... The mummy.
(imitating bugle
playing "Call to Post")
Post time!
I make a joke out of anything.
(laughing)
How you feeling, huh?
A little low, huh?
You scared?
Let's have some fun.
Cut it out!
See?
Even a hospital can be fun.
Not this hospital.
See that guy?
You know what he came
in here for? A tonsillectomy.
Must have been complications.
You know who operated on him?
Dr. Krakauer.
They tell me
Krakauer is a genius.
Yeah. How they
treating you, huh?
All right. They even shaved me.
Ah.
Well, you want to look
nice for your operation.
I'm not talking about my face.
You don't want to
take any chances.
Well, that's a pretty
big margin for error.
Why didn't you stop them?
I was sound asleep.
It was 3:00 in the morning.
I thought it was a nice dream.
Such a kidder.
I want to get out of here.
Dr. Krakauer will be here any minute.
My voice is better.
Your voice is terrible.
KRAKAUER: How
can anybody work here
with all this
stuff in the hall?!
Hello, I'm Dr. Krakauer.
Sorry, I'm late.
How do you do? How do you do?
You're Dr. Krakauer?
Yeah.
What's the matter, you
never saw a surgeon before?
You Madison?
What's the matter
with him? He can't talk?
He's got a bad throat.
That's why he's
here in the hospital.
Well, take it easy.
You can't be too careful.
Sometimes they
slip a hernia case in.
It's embarrassing.
You weren't too careful with
this tonsillectomy
case, were you?
Don't be a dope.
I never operated on him.
He jumped out the window
when we tried to shave him.
What is it?
May I call you "Doctor?"
Yeah.
Do you think this is
the most sanitary thing
in the world, a cigar?
You know, most
doctors have quit.
Are you a patient here?
No.
Would you like to be?
I'm his roommate.
Don't let him make you nervous.
Here, open your
mouth, let me see.
Doctor, Doctor. I want you...
What now? Another
walk down the aisle?
I want you to know
that I will be here
to help him at all times.
You really want to help him?
Yes.
Move to Turkey.
Tomorrow, we'll
have the operation.
Keep your fingers crossed.
What an eccentric, huh?
But I smell genius.
I smell pain. I'm
getting out of here.
Please, let me get out.
Stay, stay. We'll
laugh some more.
No more with the bed!
Leave the bed alone, will you?
You know what I
always say to a man
who's about to have
a throat operation?
What?
Keep your chin up.
(chuckles)
Get out, Felix.
But you need a friend.
Get out, Felix!
Guess who's coming to
dinner but can't swallow?
It's the patient.
Oscar, I wasn't
expecting you till tonight.
Yeah, they made him check
out of the hospital a little early.
They didn't want
you to come back.
See, there was
nothing to worry about.
The operation was
a complete success.
Krakauer's a genius.
He can't talk for two days.
I know, that's why we
have this blackboard.
We'll communicate just fine.
Felix? Yeah?
Okay if I go to your
little boys' room?
Sure, go ahead.
Oscar, Oscar.
(laughing)
Listen, while you were away...
Glad to see you...
I came to an amazing conclusion.
Do you know why
you lost your voice?
You knew! I thought I was
the only one who figured it out.
I bug you.
I drive you crazy.
Well, I'm not going
to do that anymore.
Don't drink the cold.
It's bad for your throat.
Don't gulp like that. Here.
Here. Sip it.
Here you are.
Wipe your lip.
You see, I used to
drive my wife crazy, too,
but I'm-I'm not going to
drive you crazy anymore.
I'm going to live and let live.
You have to be just
a little bit more flex...
The main thing is,
that if you don't...
(laughs)
You're testing me, aren't you?
I know you're not going to
smoke a cigar with that throat.
You think I'm crazy?
What a kidder you are.
(laughs)
(screeching) There's
a big surprise...
Big surprise for
you in your room.
You like it?
Huh?
Doesn't that sort of look nice?
Oscar?
Oscar, I didn't
clean up your room.
I just... I just
neatened it a little
because of the dust.
There was such dust here.
That's bad for
your throat, Oscar.
I did it for your own good.
Come on, don't... Please.
(clears throat)
You're making my
throat hurt, come on.
(grunting)
Please, Oscar, be friends.
I get sympathy pains.
Like when Gloria was
pregnant, I retained water.
Come on.
Look, we'll-we'll mess
it up a little bit, see?
Look, see what I did? There.
Aw, come on, don't
make me feel so guilty.
(clears throat) Come
on, please, Oscar.
It's no way to treat
a guy who's trying...
Please... Os... (coughs)
(whispers): Oscar.
(mouthing)
Hey, guys, when I stood up, I
bumped my head on your sink.
Does it... Does
it look all right?
I'm deaf!
(door buzzer sounds)
(buzzer sounds)
What do you say, Madison?
Don't tell me.
Don't talk.
Listen, how do you feel?
Don't tell me.
Let me examine you.
See how you feel a little later.
Let me see. Open your mouth.
Ah! Good.
Now you can start
to talk, but very softly.
Remember, if you
raise your voice,
you'll be back in the
hospital in ten minutes.
(softly): How about
this? Like this?
Perfect.
Good.
What's the matter
with the nudge?
He can't talk.
Stop playing
doctor with yourself.
Here, let me take a look.
Yeah.
That it.
You know what
you're suffering from?
You got a severe case
of Nudge's disease.
In your terms,
hysterical laryngitis.
Guilt has taken over.
Guilt from driving
this man crazy.
In two weeks,
Oscar will be well.
You'll be sick the
rest of your life.
Or until you feel
that you've punished
yourself enough.
All right, that's
right, don't listen.
Don't listen.
You may hear something that
could change your whole life.
Turn you into a
normal person like him.
What this country needs
is more men like you!
Thank you, Doctor.
Now, remember,
don't raise your voice.
With him around?
Try your best.
Nice meeting you fellows.
Hey, now remember, don't shout,
even when you get my bill.
(door closes)
Okay, now, you heard
what the doctor said.
So now stay out of my room
and stay out of my way, please.
And don't give me
any trouble, okay?
And you're going
to treat me right.
You're not going to bother me.
And you're going to be
very nice about everything.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
(whispering): Hey, want
to take the television set?
Not with my back.
Okay, I'll take it.
Let's get the silverware first.
Honk?
Maybe they teach geese.
Come on.
♪ ♪
What are you doing in my room?
You want me to go
back to the hospital?
Do you know what
the doctor said?
Get out of my room, will you?
Please, get out of my room.
WOMAN (over phone): Operator.
This is your operator speaking.
(Felix whispering breathily)
Is this an obscene phone call?
What are you doing?
Will you get out of my room?
Please, get out of my room.
Can't you sleep...
(muffled speech)
What? What?
Burglars?
Two burglars in the living room?
Why didn't you tell me?
What are you waiting for?
Okay, don't move,
and you won't get hurt!
What disarray.
(quietly): Try to
get out, will you?
I can't. You tied
me up too well.
(mutters)
(grunts)
And I can't even
yell, thanks to you.
I hope you're happy.
All this is your fault.
You and your
hysterical laryngitis.
Five years, I can't shut you up.
One day, I need
you to say something,
you dummy up on me.
It's all your fault.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, Felix,
when you first saw the burglars,
weren't you able to get out
without them seeing you?
Why didn't you?
You did it to warn me.
And I've been mad at you.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to be mad
at you anymore, buddy.
I really am not.
Forgive me?
Wow!
Boy, I don't know how long
we're going to stay like this.
It's going to get kind
of boring by Saturday.
What are we going to do?
What?
Sing? I can't sing.
I can't raise my voice
anyway, if I could sing.
Shh.
Sing quietly?
You mean, like Nat King Cole?
Are you out of your mind?
I can't do that.
♪ Mona Lisa ♪
♪ Mona Lisa, men
have named you... ♪
No, I don't want to sing.
We've got to do something else.
What?
(laughs) Make funny faces?
That's a good idea.
I got one.
I got one. I got one.
What are we laughing about?
(buzzer sounds)
I wonder who is there.
MURRAY: Guys, it's me, Murray.
You fellas still up?
Come on in, Murray.
Please, come in.
Come on in, Murray.
MURRAY: Yoo-hoo!
Aw, come on, guys.
You're just hoping
I'll go away, right?
No, no, I ain't.
Come in. Come in.
I never wanted
to see you before,
but now I want to see you.
Come in, Murray.
Please come in. Come in.
MURRAY (singsongy):
I got a surprise for you.
What?
It's a nice big pizza.
Pizza. I'm starving.
I'm starving.
Come in. Break the door down.
MURRAY: Come on,
this is your last chance.
Break the door down.
MURRAY: I'm gonna go away.
Break the door down. Come on,
please, Murray
with the big nose.
Please, Murray, break the
door down, come on, come on.
I'm gonna shout,
even if it hurts.
He's going away.
(shouting): Murray,
we were robbed!
Break the door down!
Murray, two burglars.
They just went
out the back door.
Got cheese all over my outfit.
You can catch them if
you hurry out the back door.
Okay. You two guys
untie each other.
I'll go chase those burglars.
Boy, it's a good thing
I got my hearing back.
You know, a miracle
just happened.
What kind of miracle?
The miracle of friendship.
When I realized you were going
to scream and hurt your voice,
I overcame my guilt,
and I got my voice back.
Isn't that wonderful?!
We should be very
grateful for our friendship.
(siren blaring)
Well, we got 'em!
They started running,
but I yelled, "Stop thief!"
And then I fired a
warning shot in the air,
and they stopped,
placed under arrest.
Oh, that's great, Murray. Wow!
Yeah, but I feel bad. Why?
I scared a pigeon.
You ought to see the little
thing running through the park.
Murray, where's our stuff?
Down at the station. We
need it for evidence now.
You'll get it back
in a couple of days.
OSCAR: Okay.
Another job well done
by your man in blue!
Murray?
Yeah?
Untie us.
Oh, yeah. There are so
many details to this job.
No, Operator, I
was just cleaning.
What did the doctor say?
(mumbling)
(mimicking Oscar)
I don't understand
talk like that.
Why won't you answer me?
'Cause Dr. Melnitz put
me on some medicine
and then he put
me on voice rest.
And that's all
Dr. Melnitz did? Yeah.
Said I was fine. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Where's your phone?
I want to call Dr. Melnitz.
All right, all right!
He said my throat
was a little irritated.
If I gargle with hot
water and salt, I'll be fine.
Salt water and that's all? Yeah.
I already called Dr. Melnitz.
Well, I'm not gonna
have the operation!
Yes you are! No, I'm not!
He's a quack. What does...
Who are you to call?
What are you, my mother?
No, but I wish I could
punish you for lying.
Just leave me alone, will you?
I've got to get dressed here.
Can't believe this.
Unbelievable.
Nice. Uh-huh.
You're being so ridiculous.
He even recommended
a wonderful surgeon.
Who? That Dr. Kreeky?
Kooky?
Dr. Krakauer happens
to be the best throat
man in New York.
Well, you can forget about it.
I'm not gonna
have the operation.
My voice is fine.
Well, your voice
was fine yesterday.
It's always fine until you yell.
Well, don't make me yell, huh?
Oh, swell.
It's all set, Oscar...
You're going in
the hospital tonight.
Oh, did you arrange
everything? Yes.
Isn't that nice.
Well, I can't go
even if I wanted
to I couldn't go.
I have something very
important to do tonight.
Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman
is not all that important.
It's not Crazy Rhoda, smart guy.
I'm gonna be on The Dick
Cavett Show, and I'm late now.
The Dick Cavett Show?!
Yeah.
Wow!
Why didn't you tell me?
It just came up this afternoon.
It's because of that
racetrack scandal I uncovered.
Will you help me find
my black shoes, please?
Black shoes. Yeah.
Here. Oh, they're right there.
There's a pickle in this shoe.
You're always after
me to use a shoe tree,
aren't you?
It's very hard to find
a size 11D pickle.
I just realized something very,
very important about you. What?
In the words of the
great Sigmund Freud,
you're a fraidy cat.
I am not a fraidy cat.
What about the dentist?
You insisted on gas to
have your teeth cleaned.
Oh, I needed a
nap, that's all. Yeah.
You're afraid of doctors.
I am not afraid of
doctors. Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I just
don't like doctors.
The last doctor I liked
wore a bone in his nose.
That's a typical
fraidy cat reaction.
Well, no matter what you say,
I'm not gonna have the operation.
And that's the end of it,
okay? All right. All right.
It doesn't matter to
me; I did all I could.
Good. I'll get him
in the hospital.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
As, uh, most of you
have probably read,
a major racetrack scandal
was uncovered in the past week
and one of the, uh, best-known
sportswriters in America,
Oscar Madison, got that story.
Mr. Madison is here tonight
to talk about the whole...
30 seconds, Mr. Madison.
Yeah, sure. Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
You ready to go?
Yeah, in a few seconds.
No, leave it alone, will you.
I just spoke to Dr. Krakauer.
Again with Dr. Krakauer.
He'll operate tomorrow.
Will you stop, Felix, please!
He's gonna squeeze you in.
Tell him to squeeze
me out again.
I'm going on in a
few sec... No, no.
What's the matter with
you? You'll get this done.
(overlapping chatter)
Don't shout... you're
gonna hurt your voice.
Don't shout.
(groaning): I'm gonna
get... I lost my voice.
You did, you hurt your
voice again, didn't you?
You know what's
gonna happen now?
You're gonna go out there
and make a fool of yourself.
Will you welcome
please Mr. Oscar Madison.
(applause) Right here.
(whispering): My
voice... I can't. You're on.
You're on. You're on.
You're on. I can't do it.
Come on, Mr. Madison.
You're on. (whispering):
I can't go on.
OSCAR: I can't.
My guest wasn't
exactly in place.
They have a hammerlock on him.
We sometimes have to do that.
We had to get one on Helen
Hayes to get her to come out.
Here is... here he is now,
Mister... there you are.
Mr. Madison, very
nice to see you.
Can we hear it for Mr. Madison
as he sits down.
(laughing): I was a little
worried there for a moment.
Say, you, uh, you've
created quite a stir
with this whole, uh,
racetrack scandal
and there are a couple of points
I'd like to clear up right away.
One of them is that the
underworld has in a sense
gotten to you and sort of, uh,
asked you to clam up
about this whole thing.
Is there any-any truth to that?
Perhaps you could sort of
recap the story for
us from the beginning.
(coughs and gulps)
I'm sorry, I can't...
We're having a little, uh...
you're gonna have to speak up.
You'll have to talk much louder.
You're gonna get...
Are you feeling...
Do you feel that you're
using your full voice?
Because I'm not hearing you.
I seem to be having an
auditory deficiency of my own.
What, um, what is the matter?
FELIX: The matter is the
man needs a throat operation,
that's what the matter is.
Who's that?
Uh, are-are you aware
of the man in the wings?
This is the strangest
night I think I've had yet.
What is, uh, what is that?
That man needs
a throat operation,
that's what the trouble is.
FELIX: He won't have it.
Is he with you?
Would you want to come
out here and explain this?
I don't know what's
going on out here.
On TV? Yeah, come right out.
These are the cameras.
I could use a little help.
I haven't been in makeup yet.
Oh, that's all
right. You look fine.
Just have a... have a chair.
Stage Manager.
Thank you.
Just...
have a seat. Loved your
book! Loved your book!
Oh, thank you.
You-you know each
other, then. Yes.
Uh, what were you
talking about backstage?
I really didn't
understand this at all.
This foolish man has a
serious throat condition,
which he has chosen
to simply ignore.
I see. Well, uh, can
you tell the story then
about the racetrack
scandal for him,
so we...?
I don't bother my mind
with those silly things.
You know who was a
wonderful guest with you,
I mean, just loved him?
Lord Laurence Olivier.
Now, that-that was really good.
If that man had a throat
condition, you'd never know it,
because the man is a
trouper. CAVETT: Yes.
Have you seen him
sell those cameras?
Isn't that... What
are you trying to do?
This man's going to
be on twice a month,
and you're ruining it for him.
You're going to get
him fired forever.
All of you people who think
this man should have
an operation, signify.
(applause)
How many feel this man
should also have an operation?
(cheering, applause)
Will you please give me
my thermometer back?
Relax, it's only a
minor operation.
(laughing)
That's close enough.
Close enough to what?
Close enough to operate.
Thanks a lot.
Your surgeon will
be in a few minutes.
You'll like him.
He's a real cutup.
You hear what she said?
Dr. Krakauer is a real cutup.
Look what I'm talking
to... The mummy.
(imitating bugle
playing "Call to Post")
Post time!
I make a joke out of anything.
(laughing)
How you feeling, huh?
A little low, huh?
You scared?
Let's have some fun.
Cut it out!
See?
Even a hospital can be fun.
Not this hospital.
See that guy?
You know what he came
in here for? A tonsillectomy.
Must have been complications.
You know who operated on him?
Dr. Krakauer.
They tell me
Krakauer is a genius.
Yeah. How they
treating you, huh?
All right. They even shaved me.
Ah.
Well, you want to look
nice for your operation.
I'm not talking about my face.
You don't want to
take any chances.
Well, that's a pretty
big margin for error.
Why didn't you stop them?
I was sound asleep.
It was 3:00 in the morning.
I thought it was a nice dream.
Such a kidder.
I want to get out of here.
Dr. Krakauer will be here any minute.
My voice is better.
Your voice is terrible.
KRAKAUER: How
can anybody work here
with all this
stuff in the hall?!
Hello, I'm Dr. Krakauer.
Sorry, I'm late.
How do you do? How do you do?
You're Dr. Krakauer?
Yeah.
What's the matter, you
never saw a surgeon before?
You Madison?
What's the matter
with him? He can't talk?
He's got a bad throat.
That's why he's
here in the hospital.
Well, take it easy.
You can't be too careful.
Sometimes they
slip a hernia case in.
It's embarrassing.
You weren't too careful with
this tonsillectomy
case, were you?
Don't be a dope.
I never operated on him.
He jumped out the window
when we tried to shave him.
What is it?
May I call you "Doctor?"
Yeah.
Do you think this is
the most sanitary thing
in the world, a cigar?
You know, most
doctors have quit.
Are you a patient here?
No.
Would you like to be?
I'm his roommate.
Don't let him make you nervous.
Here, open your
mouth, let me see.
Doctor, Doctor. I want you...
What now? Another
walk down the aisle?
I want you to know
that I will be here
to help him at all times.
You really want to help him?
Yes.
Move to Turkey.
Tomorrow, we'll
have the operation.
Keep your fingers crossed.
What an eccentric, huh?
But I smell genius.
I smell pain. I'm
getting out of here.
Please, let me get out.
Stay, stay. We'll
laugh some more.
No more with the bed!
Leave the bed alone, will you?
You know what I
always say to a man
who's about to have
a throat operation?
What?
Keep your chin up.
(chuckles)
Get out, Felix.
But you need a friend.
Get out, Felix!
Guess who's coming to
dinner but can't swallow?
It's the patient.
Oscar, I wasn't
expecting you till tonight.
Yeah, they made him check
out of the hospital a little early.
They didn't want
you to come back.
See, there was
nothing to worry about.
The operation was
a complete success.
Krakauer's a genius.
He can't talk for two days.
I know, that's why we
have this blackboard.
We'll communicate just fine.
Felix? Yeah?
Okay if I go to your
little boys' room?
Sure, go ahead.
Oscar, Oscar.
(laughing)
Listen, while you were away...
Glad to see you...
I came to an amazing conclusion.
Do you know why
you lost your voice?
You knew! I thought I was
the only one who figured it out.
I bug you.
I drive you crazy.
Well, I'm not going
to do that anymore.
Don't drink the cold.
It's bad for your throat.
Don't gulp like that. Here.
Here. Sip it.
Here you are.
Wipe your lip.
You see, I used to
drive my wife crazy, too,
but I'm-I'm not going to
drive you crazy anymore.
I'm going to live and let live.
You have to be just
a little bit more flex...
The main thing is,
that if you don't...
(laughs)
You're testing me, aren't you?
I know you're not going to
smoke a cigar with that throat.
You think I'm crazy?
What a kidder you are.
(laughs)
(screeching) There's
a big surprise...
Big surprise for
you in your room.
You like it?
Huh?
Doesn't that sort of look nice?
Oscar?
Oscar, I didn't
clean up your room.
I just... I just
neatened it a little
because of the dust.
There was such dust here.
That's bad for
your throat, Oscar.
I did it for your own good.
Come on, don't... Please.
(clears throat)
You're making my
throat hurt, come on.
(grunting)
Please, Oscar, be friends.
I get sympathy pains.
Like when Gloria was
pregnant, I retained water.
Come on.
Look, we'll-we'll mess
it up a little bit, see?
Look, see what I did? There.
Aw, come on, don't
make me feel so guilty.
(clears throat) Come
on, please, Oscar.
It's no way to treat
a guy who's trying...
Please... Os... (coughs)
(whispers): Oscar.
(mouthing)
Hey, guys, when I stood up, I
bumped my head on your sink.
Does it... Does
it look all right?
I'm deaf!
(door buzzer sounds)
(buzzer sounds)
What do you say, Madison?
Don't tell me.
Don't talk.
Listen, how do you feel?
Don't tell me.
Let me examine you.
See how you feel a little later.
Let me see. Open your mouth.
Ah! Good.
Now you can start
to talk, but very softly.
Remember, if you
raise your voice,
you'll be back in the
hospital in ten minutes.
(softly): How about
this? Like this?
Perfect.
Good.
What's the matter
with the nudge?
He can't talk.
Stop playing
doctor with yourself.
Here, let me take a look.
Yeah.
That it.
You know what
you're suffering from?
You got a severe case
of Nudge's disease.
In your terms,
hysterical laryngitis.
Guilt has taken over.
Guilt from driving
this man crazy.
In two weeks,
Oscar will be well.
You'll be sick the
rest of your life.
Or until you feel
that you've punished
yourself enough.
All right, that's
right, don't listen.
Don't listen.
You may hear something that
could change your whole life.
Turn you into a
normal person like him.
What this country needs
is more men like you!
Thank you, Doctor.
Now, remember,
don't raise your voice.
With him around?
Try your best.
Nice meeting you fellows.
Hey, now remember, don't shout,
even when you get my bill.
(door closes)
Okay, now, you heard
what the doctor said.
So now stay out of my room
and stay out of my way, please.
And don't give me
any trouble, okay?
And you're going
to treat me right.
You're not going to bother me.
And you're going to be
very nice about everything.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
(whispering): Hey, want
to take the television set?
Not with my back.
Okay, I'll take it.
Let's get the silverware first.
Honk?
Maybe they teach geese.
Come on.
♪ ♪
What are you doing in my room?
You want me to go
back to the hospital?
Do you know what
the doctor said?
Get out of my room, will you?
Please, get out of my room.
WOMAN (over phone): Operator.
This is your operator speaking.
(Felix whispering breathily)
Is this an obscene phone call?
What are you doing?
Will you get out of my room?
Please, get out of my room.
Can't you sleep...
(muffled speech)
What? What?
Burglars?
Two burglars in the living room?
Why didn't you tell me?
What are you waiting for?
Okay, don't move,
and you won't get hurt!
What disarray.
(quietly): Try to
get out, will you?
I can't. You tied
me up too well.
(mutters)
(grunts)
And I can't even
yell, thanks to you.
I hope you're happy.
All this is your fault.
You and your
hysterical laryngitis.
Five years, I can't shut you up.
One day, I need
you to say something,
you dummy up on me.
It's all your fault.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, Felix,
when you first saw the burglars,
weren't you able to get out
without them seeing you?
Why didn't you?
You did it to warn me.
And I've been mad at you.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to be mad
at you anymore, buddy.
I really am not.
Forgive me?
Wow!
Boy, I don't know how long
we're going to stay like this.
It's going to get kind
of boring by Saturday.
What are we going to do?
What?
Sing? I can't sing.
I can't raise my voice
anyway, if I could sing.
Shh.
Sing quietly?
You mean, like Nat King Cole?
Are you out of your mind?
I can't do that.
♪ Mona Lisa ♪
♪ Mona Lisa, men
have named you... ♪
No, I don't want to sing.
We've got to do something else.
What?
(laughs) Make funny faces?
That's a good idea.
I got one.
I got one. I got one.
What are we laughing about?
(buzzer sounds)
I wonder who is there.
MURRAY: Guys, it's me, Murray.
You fellas still up?
Come on in, Murray.
Please, come in.
Come on in, Murray.
MURRAY: Yoo-hoo!
Aw, come on, guys.
You're just hoping
I'll go away, right?
No, no, I ain't.
Come in. Come in.
I never wanted
to see you before,
but now I want to see you.
Come in, Murray.
Please come in. Come in.
MURRAY (singsongy):
I got a surprise for you.
What?
It's a nice big pizza.
Pizza. I'm starving.
I'm starving.
Come in. Break the door down.
MURRAY: Come on,
this is your last chance.
Break the door down.
MURRAY: I'm gonna go away.
Break the door down. Come on,
please, Murray
with the big nose.
Please, Murray, break the
door down, come on, come on.
I'm gonna shout,
even if it hurts.
He's going away.
(shouting): Murray,
we were robbed!
Break the door down!
Murray, two burglars.
They just went
out the back door.
Got cheese all over my outfit.
You can catch them if
you hurry out the back door.
Okay. You two guys
untie each other.
I'll go chase those burglars.
Boy, it's a good thing
I got my hearing back.
You know, a miracle
just happened.
What kind of miracle?
The miracle of friendship.
When I realized you were going
to scream and hurt your voice,
I overcame my guilt,
and I got my voice back.
Isn't that wonderful?!
We should be very
grateful for our friendship.
(siren blaring)
Well, we got 'em!
They started running,
but I yelled, "Stop thief!"
And then I fired a
warning shot in the air,
and they stopped,
placed under arrest.
Oh, that's great, Murray. Wow!
Yeah, but I feel bad. Why?
I scared a pigeon.
You ought to see the little
thing running through the park.
Murray, where's our stuff?
Down at the station. We
need it for evidence now.
You'll get it back
in a couple of days.
OSCAR: Okay.
Another job well done
by your man in blue!
Murray?
Yeah?
Untie us.
Oh, yeah. There are so
many details to this job.