The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Rent Strike - full transcript
When the rents go up so do the picket signs as Felix leads his fellow tenants in a rent strike.
♪ ♪
(typing)
FELIX: Oscar?!
Here. Where?
In my room, here.
(panting): Oscar.
What'd you do, run
home from Baltimore?
(sighs)
The elevator's
broken. Yeah, I know.
(sighs): Oh! Felix, you've
got a mark on your neck.
What is that? I just
climbed 11 flights of stairs.
176 steps.
With two suitcases.
Oh! You always overpack.
Looks like a hickey
to me, buddy. Oh!
Is that a hickey? What is that?
What?
Oh, Miriam met
me at the airport.
She was so glad to...
How long has the
elevator been busted?
About four days.
She gave you a hickey like
that? Miriam? Four days?!
At the airport? You've
been climbing those steps
for four days?
How do you stand it?
I stayed inside.
I wish I had a girl who would
give me a hickey right now,
I'll tell you that, boy.
(mutters)
a sandwich on his dartboard.
Beer...
That's why I don't
have to go outside
until the elevator's fixed.
I eat, I phone in my
column, and then I sleep.
Well, I'm not going
to let this building
make a hermit out of me.
We got to do
something about that.
Don't you go on one of
your crazy crusades now.
Well, today it's an
elevator, tomorrow a slum.
This building has been
going straight downhill
ever since we got that new
manager, that Mr. Lovelace.
Oh, cut it out, will you?
I'm very content here now.
I'm serious. So am I.
We've got to do something
about this building.
Our front door squeaks,
the bathroom tiles are loose,
the air conditioner
blows hot air.
So do you! Now, will
you cut it out, please?!
Oh! Now, this building
is in great condition!
(creaking)
Hello, Mrs. Gossert.
How's tricks?
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(snoring)
(Felix singing in distance to
tune of "Buckle Down, Winsocki")
(bagpipes playing)
♪ If you scream and shout ♪
♪ Turn the manager out,
turn the manager out ♪
♪ If you'll only buckle down ♪
♪ Buckle down, you
tenants, buckle down ♪
♪ We will not pay penance
if you knuckle down ♪
♪ If you scream and shout ♪
♪ If you use your clout ♪
♪ To turn the manager out ♪
♪ If you'll only buckle down ♪
♪ Buckle down, you
tenants, buckle down ♪
♪ We will not pay penance ♪
♪ If you knuckle down ♪
♪ If you scream and shout ♪
♪ If you use your clout ♪
♪ To turn the manager out ♪
Shut up!
♪ If you'll o... ♪
(bagpipes, singing fading)
They love me!
What is the matter with you?
You can't enter a room like
a normal person, (laughing)
let someone
sleep? (sighing): Oh!
And who's the guy
wearing the skirt?
That's Jock
McDonough, 14th floor.
Isn't he great?
He marched to the
Housing Administration
dressed like
that? (sighing): Oh.
Surprised he didn't
freeze his bagpipes off.
(sighs)
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Every single tenant in this
building marched except you.
Oh, you should have heard us.
"Our pipes all leak,
"our drains all clog,
it shouldn't happen to a dog!"
In unison! I made that up.
It's very catchy.
Listen, the tenants
want to have a rent strike.
I have to hold them back.
Felix, what did you accomplish?
We saw the proper authorities,
we told them our complaints,
and they've called
Lovelace in before the board.
Boy, is he in big trouble.
I can't believe you got...
(door buzzer sounds)
Come in. MIRIAM: Felix? Felix?
Tell him what marching is.
Tell him all about
it. Guess what?
I just ran into
Mr. Lovelace. Yeah?
And he wants to see you
in his office right away.
Right away?
Yeah.
Well, he'll just have to wait
till I get down there, won't he?
I don't think I'll...
I'll make him crawl.
In victory... magnanimity!
I'll make him crawl a little.
Isn't he wonderful?
You really like him,
don't you? Yeah.
Listen, I saw what you
gave him at the airport today,
that little hickey right there
when you met him, huh?
I didn't meet
him at the airport.
It was, uh, a Mr. Hickey
he had to meet there.
See, I was testing you. Mm-hmm.
I'll see you later. Yeah.
Where you going?
Cut my throat.
Mr. Lovelace?
No Mr. Lovelace.
No wonder the rest
of us don't have water.
LOVELACE: Here I am.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I took so
long, my darling.
Oh, that's all right.
Hmm?
Oh, Unger.
I didn't know there was
a human in the room.
Well, whom were you talking to?
The gang.
Oh.
Yeah, I've heard that's a very
good idea, talking to plants.
Mm. How long have
you been doing that?
Oh, for years. Uh-huh.
Except for last month;
we had a little falling out.
That's all patched out now.
I stepped out of line, baby.
Well, Mr. Lovelace, can
we get down to cases?
Yes.
The housing board
mentioned some repairs.
Hmm.
And?
I'm raising the
rent $25 a month.
You are what?!
Don't raise your voice
in front of the plants.
Don't let him upset you.
The commissioner
ruled that because of
all the improvements I've
made, I am entitled to a rent raise.
What improvements?
The welcome mats, for one.
Big deal, welcome mats.
And also, I painted the lobby,
I bought the doorman
a new uniform,
I redecorated my office,
lots and lots of things.
What about our leaky pipes?
What about our broken windows?
What about the cigarette
butts in the elevator?
What about our squeaking door?
I've got them on my list.
But first things first.
What comes first?
The rent.
Mr. Lovelace, I've been having
a certain amount of difficulty
holding the tenants in check.
When they hear about this,
the fur is really going to fly.
Yeah?
(chuckles)
What can they do about it?
How does a rent strike grab you?
(laughs)
You hear that?
(laughs)
You call a rent strike,
and I'll cut off all services.
You cut off all
services ages ago!
You're a troublemaker, Unger.
And darned proud of it.
This country was
founded by troublemakers.
Millions for defense,
not one cent for tribute!
We're going to win this fight.
(laughing)
(door slams)
(sighs)
He's a nut.
We've been singing all day.
How long are we supposed
to go on like this? Folks...
(all chattering)
Lovelace is scared.
This rent strike
is going to work.
Look, he turned off
the heat... So what?
He turned off our
water... So what?
We're going to go over his head!
Yeah, but how?
Nobody even knows
who owns this building.
Right. And that's why I've
called in Officer Greshler.
He's my chief bloodhound.
We're counting on
you, Officer Greshler.
You can keep on counting, Felix.
We want you to find out who
the owner of this building is.
Want to give me a
description of the man?
If I knew what-what he
looked like, I'd know who he is.
Another blind alley.
Folks, go back to
your apartments.
Go in good cheer. (muttering)
Go in confidence.
We're going to win.
Are we doing the right thing?
Yes, we're doing...
I'm freezing!
No, you're not
freezing. Yes, I am!
Remember Valley Forge.
Nobody's cold,
nobody's suffering.
We can stand it. We're fine.
(shivering)
It's c... It's cold. It's cold.
(laughing)
It's cold.
It's a little brisk.
No, it's not brisk, it's
cold, it's really cold.
(laughing) It's cold.
Lovelace turned off
the heat. Yes, I know.
Isn't that great?
He's scared.
Yeah, I'm scared, too.
I'm scared stiff.
Felix, my room is freezing!
Well, good, it'll keep
things fresh in there.
(laughing)
Felix, you see that? Yeah.
Well, when that defrosts
enough to make a fist,
you better get out of my sight!
What are you doing?
Let me have 20 minutes at
350, then turn me over, okay?
Oh!
(door buzzer sounding)
Yes? Yes? Come in.
(door creaks)
We're here for the
door, Mr. Unger.
Ah.
It's all yours.
Oscar! OSCAR: Yeah?
Come here!
What?
We have won!
He's going to give us heat?
I'm going to call
your newspaper.
Well, if I were you, I'd
wait for the next edition.
What are you doing?
Oh, Lovelace told us
to take away your door.
Uh, nothing personal, Mr. Unger.
I hope you won't hold this
against us at Christmastime.
Mr. Fafner.
Come back here.
You-you can't take our door.
Bring back my door.
What about Christmas?
Where are we
gonna hang a wreath?
You see what he did?
He fixed the squeak.
We're-we're utterly defenseless.
We'll have to stand guard.
Any kook can walk right in.
(door buzzer sounds)
(door buzzer sounds)
(tapping buzzer)
Come in, Murray!
What's the matter,
you forget something?
No, no. I made a
quick phone call,
and I got a good lead.
Yeah, what? What?
This building is owned by
somebody in show business.
Now, I can't divulge who
it is until all the facts are in.
Aha. Just-just tell us his name.
Well, that's one of the
facts that isn't in yet.
But I'm working on it.
Murray? Yeah, yeah.
Don't you want to know
what happened to our door?
I can only work on
one case at a time.
WOMAN (over TV):
add quite a smidgen
of garlic powder,
salt and thyme.
Thank you very much.
(TV continues indistinctly)
Changing of the guard.
MAN (over TV): may
have some cool polar air
in the region of the north
country press slowly southward
to cover the northern
two-thirds of the nation.
High winds swept the north
and middle-Atlantic states
to the rear of
the Atlantic storm
that provided a
chilly, blustery day,
as winter staged a return visit.
♪ ♪
Oscar.
(honks) Oscar!
What, what's the matter?
What happened?
What happened with what?
Where's our furniture?
Where's our TV set?
Wow.
You miss one payment...
We were robbed.
(honking)
(honking horns)
(clamoring)
(whistling)
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is not a zoo.
Felix, they've taken
away all our doors.
We can't live without doors.
We're living without furniture.
There is not a single
door in this entire building.
A lot of us have been robbed.
The police are on it.
They're going to
find everything.
Believe me. You told us
you were gonna
handle Mr. Lovelace.
FELIX: And I am, I'm
going down there right now.
I'm gonna tear that
man limb from limb.
Hello, how are you?
Tenants, I have an announcement.
After much consideration,
management has
decided to settle the strike.
(cheering, whooping)
You did it, Unger!
We're gonna give
you your doors back
and turn the heat back on.
(cheering, whooping)
There will be no rent increase.
(cheering, whooping)
But... nobody gets
any of those things
unless Felix Unger
moves out of this building.
(cheering)
You want me to help
you with something else?
What's the matter?
I'm not moving
fast enough for you?
Oh, come on, Felix, I'm sorry
I yelled, "Hooray, hooray."
It was one of those
involuntary things.
Where you gonna go?
I don't know.
Where do martyrs go?
Somewhere in
this heartless city,
there must be a
lowly bed for me.
"Room and bath,
buck and a half..."
Oh, no, Felix, don't do that.
You can't make me feel guilty.
You walked into this
with your eyes wide open.
I said to you, "Don't get
involved, you'll be sorry."
Didn't I tell you so?
Oscar, all those times
you went to the track
and I told you not to go
'cause you couldn't
afford to lose
and you came back dead broke
and you got those threatening
letters from Blanche's lawyer,
did I ever once say
to you, "I told you so"?
Yeah, always.
Well, no matter.
I didn't let you
go to jail, did I?
I lent you the money, didn't I?
It's money I'll never
see again, that's for sure.
Yeah, but that's nothing.
It's easy to lend money,
but there's nothing
I can do about this.
No, no, of course not.
What is expected
of a friend? Nothing.
You're a lucky man, Oscar.
You're getting rid of Felix,
and it's not even on your head.
Lovelace is doing
your dirty work for you.
Oh, talk all you want.
You're not gonna
make me feel guilty,
'cause it's not my fault.
Nothing I can do about it.
FELIX: ♪ Look down, look down ♪
♪ That lonesome road ♪
♪ With no one to say... ♪
(singing "Brahms'
Lullaby" in German)
(knock at door)
Shh, shh, shh.
Mr. Lovelace... Shh.
(whispering): I'm trying
to get them to sleep.
You're Madison, right? Yeah.
I never forget a tenant.
You room with that
troublemaker, Unger.
Yeah. Yeah.
Remember him? Ah, come on.
Aren't you being a
little harsh with Felix?
No.
He stirs up the other tenants.
And he shouted at my geraniums.
So he gets carried away...
He should get carried
away in a basket.
Any man who wipes his
shoes before going outside...
So he likes clean.
That's no reason
to throw a man out
without a minute's
notice, is it?
I mean, look, I'll
tell you the truth.
Shh, shh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I'll level with you.
See, I've been waiting for years
to get rid of him
myself, but not like this.
Why don't we give
him a couple of months,
maybe to find someplace else,
or maybe he'll even go
back with his wife, see?
He'll be gone, and
we'll all be happy.
Yeah, well, the gang and I
will be happy only if
he's gone by tonight.
Wait a minute, I came down
here to work this out reasonably.
You gotta give a little.
No, you... you don't understand.
I'm the manager.
What I say goes.
And the next thing
that goes may be you.
Hey, you're loony,
Lovelace, you know that?
You treat people
like they're plants
and plants like they're people.
I'm glad they weren't
awake to hear that.
Yeah, well, Felix
and I are staying.
What do you think of that?
The other tenants
aren't gonna like it
because no one gets heat
or doors until he's gone.
Your nice neighbors are
gonna turn into an angry mob.
Yeah, well, we're gonna
stay, and that's that.
Yeah... boo! Don't! Shh!
Everybody up!!
Rise and shine!
Drop your roots
and grab your ferns!
Everybody, here we go!
That's an expectant mother!
Shh, shh, shh.
FELIX: You really told him off.
OSCAR: You know I did.
You lost your temper? Yes, sir.
(cackles) That's great!
You woke up his flowers,
though, huh? Yes, sir.
Oh, you shouldn't
have done that.
Well, he got me mad.
The important thing is
you're staying anyway.
Oh, this is just... it's just...
You're top drawer
in my chiffonier.
(laughing)
I'm gonna go tell the
tenants. No, no, no, no!
I wouldn't do that
if I were you. Why?
Well, Felix, it's
gonna be very difficult
for you to talk with
their fists in your mouth.
What do you... what do you mean?
Well, nothing has changed.
You stay, they don't get
doors, they don't get heat.
They may get violent.
That big bully.
Well, now he's going to find out
the meaning of solidarity.
We've got wonderful
people in this building.
They're gonna rally behind me.
You see, here's Mrs. Osgood.
Hi.
Get out!
Get out while you
have the chance, pinko.
OSCAR: You think the
mob will attack tonight?
It's quiet out there.
Yeah, too quiet.
Saw this scene in a movie once.
It happened to Randolph Scott.
He didn't pay his rent?
(knocking)
Yes?
MIRIAM: Felix, it's me.
Miriam?
Yeah.
This is a trick.
Oh, come on, will you?
How do... how do I
know it's you, Miriam?
I need proof.
Okay, remember the
night in the tunnel of love
in Far Rockaway? Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, it's you,
you can come in.
Come underneath. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Watch your head.
Miriam, what we do on a date
is private business.
How would you
like it if I told...
Felix, will you knock it off!
I just wanted to be with you.
You've got an angry
mob in this building.
Oh, Miriam, you ran
that gauntlet for me?
(crowd murmuring
angrily) (loud knocking)
MR. RALSTON: All right, Unger!
You've got one minute!
Miriam, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Something happened in Baltimore.
It didn't mean
anything at all to me.
I was lonely in a strange town.
A man has needs, Miriam.
Felix, this is not the time.
(pounding)
MRS. GOSSETT: You
come out or we're coming in!
No, you're not, no, you're not!
(all shouting angrily)
Get him out of here!
Let's throw him out!
You two... Shut up!
There's the man who
made you live like animals
in the freezing
cold without doors.
Let's beat him up.
Yeah! All right.
We're wasting time,
let's move their stuff.
Wait a minute here. You
take your hands off that!
How can you people
turn against Felix?
Doesn't anybody here
have a conscience?
You, Mrs. Osgood, when
one of your cats was missing,
who went out in
the rain and found it?
Who almost caught pneumonia
pulling it down from the tree?
And you, Mrs. Gossett,
when your daughter got married,
why, the groom's side of
the family was so cheap,
they wouldn't kick
in for anything,
who took the wedding
pictures for nothing?
Yeah and they were nice, too.
Yeah.
And you, Mr. Ralston,
when you got that ulcer
from that crazy job at the zoo,
who cooked for you?
Who taught you how
to coddle an egg?
And this week, when
you needed a leader,
who batted his
brains out for you?
Felix Unger, and
now you're gonna
help this man to throw him out!
I don't believe it, I
just don't believe it.
Where do you get off
throwing our leader
out of the building?
Yeah! Right!
Let's beat him up.
That's a good idea.
All right.
But if you stand with
them, you stand in the cold.
This is an impasse.
It's a case of an
irresistible force
meeting an immovable object.
It would take the wisdom
of Solomon to solve this.
Hold it.
I've solved the case.
Look, he showed up
just like the cavalry.
Yeah, will you
look at that bugle.
I went through
every conglomerate
and every big holding
company and I finally
tracked down the owner of this
building and it's a big TV star.
I bet it's David Janssen. Oh?
Meet Rodney Allen Rippy.
OSCAR: How do you like that?
I am Mr. Rippy's attorney.
Which one of you is Lovelace?
I am.
Yes, well, Mr. Rippy has
something to say to you.
You're fired.
You'll get your
severance pay in the mail.
Please be off the
premises by noon tomorrow.
What am I going
to tell the plants?
They always know when I'm lying.
Mr. Rippy would like you to know
that had he been aware
of the situation sooner,
he would have
come into it sooner.
Now, you're all going
to get your doors back.
There will be no rent increase,
and you'll have free
hamburgers for a month.
(cheering)
In the kitchen... Free
cookies and milk on me!
How does a small child like
this come to own a big building?
Tax shelter.
ATTORNEY: I think we've
finished our business here.
Maybe we should have turned
this place into a condominium.
Well, right triumphs
over might after all.
Come on, let's have
some milk and cookies.
No, no, no. Let's take
a walk around the block.
I want to hear what
happened in Baltimore
with the hickey and everything.
I was sitting in the coffee
shop... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This girl came up to join me.
She had the biggest...
Get out of here!
(knock at door)
Come in.
You wanted to see
us, Mr. Lovelace?
Yes.
As you know, I'm leaving.
I've lost my political
base in this building.
But before I go, I want
you to know I'm sorry
things got so far out of hand.
Well, we're not angry, are we?
I don't hold any grudges.
They recovered our furniture.
Let bygones be bygones.
You're both happy?
Yeah. Yeah.
That's good.
Okay, gang... kill!
Kill! Kill! Get 'em!
(laughs)
Ah, it's just my little joke.
Oh.
(typing)
FELIX: Oscar?!
Here. Where?
In my room, here.
(panting): Oscar.
What'd you do, run
home from Baltimore?
(sighs)
The elevator's
broken. Yeah, I know.
(sighs): Oh! Felix, you've
got a mark on your neck.
What is that? I just
climbed 11 flights of stairs.
176 steps.
With two suitcases.
Oh! You always overpack.
Looks like a hickey
to me, buddy. Oh!
Is that a hickey? What is that?
What?
Oh, Miriam met
me at the airport.
She was so glad to...
How long has the
elevator been busted?
About four days.
She gave you a hickey like
that? Miriam? Four days?!
At the airport? You've
been climbing those steps
for four days?
How do you stand it?
I stayed inside.
I wish I had a girl who would
give me a hickey right now,
I'll tell you that, boy.
(mutters)
a sandwich on his dartboard.
Beer...
That's why I don't
have to go outside
until the elevator's fixed.
I eat, I phone in my
column, and then I sleep.
Well, I'm not going
to let this building
make a hermit out of me.
We got to do
something about that.
Don't you go on one of
your crazy crusades now.
Well, today it's an
elevator, tomorrow a slum.
This building has been
going straight downhill
ever since we got that new
manager, that Mr. Lovelace.
Oh, cut it out, will you?
I'm very content here now.
I'm serious. So am I.
We've got to do something
about this building.
Our front door squeaks,
the bathroom tiles are loose,
the air conditioner
blows hot air.
So do you! Now, will
you cut it out, please?!
Oh! Now, this building
is in great condition!
(creaking)
Hello, Mrs. Gossert.
How's tricks?
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(snoring)
(Felix singing in distance to
tune of "Buckle Down, Winsocki")
(bagpipes playing)
♪ If you scream and shout ♪
♪ Turn the manager out,
turn the manager out ♪
♪ If you'll only buckle down ♪
♪ Buckle down, you
tenants, buckle down ♪
♪ We will not pay penance
if you knuckle down ♪
♪ If you scream and shout ♪
♪ If you use your clout ♪
♪ To turn the manager out ♪
♪ If you'll only buckle down ♪
♪ Buckle down, you
tenants, buckle down ♪
♪ We will not pay penance ♪
♪ If you knuckle down ♪
♪ If you scream and shout ♪
♪ If you use your clout ♪
♪ To turn the manager out ♪
Shut up!
♪ If you'll o... ♪
(bagpipes, singing fading)
They love me!
What is the matter with you?
You can't enter a room like
a normal person, (laughing)
let someone
sleep? (sighing): Oh!
And who's the guy
wearing the skirt?
That's Jock
McDonough, 14th floor.
Isn't he great?
He marched to the
Housing Administration
dressed like
that? (sighing): Oh.
Surprised he didn't
freeze his bagpipes off.
(sighs)
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Every single tenant in this
building marched except you.
Oh, you should have heard us.
"Our pipes all leak,
"our drains all clog,
it shouldn't happen to a dog!"
In unison! I made that up.
It's very catchy.
Listen, the tenants
want to have a rent strike.
I have to hold them back.
Felix, what did you accomplish?
We saw the proper authorities,
we told them our complaints,
and they've called
Lovelace in before the board.
Boy, is he in big trouble.
I can't believe you got...
(door buzzer sounds)
Come in. MIRIAM: Felix? Felix?
Tell him what marching is.
Tell him all about
it. Guess what?
I just ran into
Mr. Lovelace. Yeah?
And he wants to see you
in his office right away.
Right away?
Yeah.
Well, he'll just have to wait
till I get down there, won't he?
I don't think I'll...
I'll make him crawl.
In victory... magnanimity!
I'll make him crawl a little.
Isn't he wonderful?
You really like him,
don't you? Yeah.
Listen, I saw what you
gave him at the airport today,
that little hickey right there
when you met him, huh?
I didn't meet
him at the airport.
It was, uh, a Mr. Hickey
he had to meet there.
See, I was testing you. Mm-hmm.
I'll see you later. Yeah.
Where you going?
Cut my throat.
Mr. Lovelace?
No Mr. Lovelace.
No wonder the rest
of us don't have water.
LOVELACE: Here I am.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I took so
long, my darling.
Oh, that's all right.
Hmm?
Oh, Unger.
I didn't know there was
a human in the room.
Well, whom were you talking to?
The gang.
Oh.
Yeah, I've heard that's a very
good idea, talking to plants.
Mm. How long have
you been doing that?
Oh, for years. Uh-huh.
Except for last month;
we had a little falling out.
That's all patched out now.
I stepped out of line, baby.
Well, Mr. Lovelace, can
we get down to cases?
Yes.
The housing board
mentioned some repairs.
Hmm.
And?
I'm raising the
rent $25 a month.
You are what?!
Don't raise your voice
in front of the plants.
Don't let him upset you.
The commissioner
ruled that because of
all the improvements I've
made, I am entitled to a rent raise.
What improvements?
The welcome mats, for one.
Big deal, welcome mats.
And also, I painted the lobby,
I bought the doorman
a new uniform,
I redecorated my office,
lots and lots of things.
What about our leaky pipes?
What about our broken windows?
What about the cigarette
butts in the elevator?
What about our squeaking door?
I've got them on my list.
But first things first.
What comes first?
The rent.
Mr. Lovelace, I've been having
a certain amount of difficulty
holding the tenants in check.
When they hear about this,
the fur is really going to fly.
Yeah?
(chuckles)
What can they do about it?
How does a rent strike grab you?
(laughs)
You hear that?
(laughs)
You call a rent strike,
and I'll cut off all services.
You cut off all
services ages ago!
You're a troublemaker, Unger.
And darned proud of it.
This country was
founded by troublemakers.
Millions for defense,
not one cent for tribute!
We're going to win this fight.
(laughing)
(door slams)
(sighs)
He's a nut.
We've been singing all day.
How long are we supposed
to go on like this? Folks...
(all chattering)
Lovelace is scared.
This rent strike
is going to work.
Look, he turned off
the heat... So what?
He turned off our
water... So what?
We're going to go over his head!
Yeah, but how?
Nobody even knows
who owns this building.
Right. And that's why I've
called in Officer Greshler.
He's my chief bloodhound.
We're counting on
you, Officer Greshler.
You can keep on counting, Felix.
We want you to find out who
the owner of this building is.
Want to give me a
description of the man?
If I knew what-what he
looked like, I'd know who he is.
Another blind alley.
Folks, go back to
your apartments.
Go in good cheer. (muttering)
Go in confidence.
We're going to win.
Are we doing the right thing?
Yes, we're doing...
I'm freezing!
No, you're not
freezing. Yes, I am!
Remember Valley Forge.
Nobody's cold,
nobody's suffering.
We can stand it. We're fine.
(shivering)
It's c... It's cold. It's cold.
(laughing)
It's cold.
It's a little brisk.
No, it's not brisk, it's
cold, it's really cold.
(laughing) It's cold.
Lovelace turned off
the heat. Yes, I know.
Isn't that great?
He's scared.
Yeah, I'm scared, too.
I'm scared stiff.
Felix, my room is freezing!
Well, good, it'll keep
things fresh in there.
(laughing)
Felix, you see that? Yeah.
Well, when that defrosts
enough to make a fist,
you better get out of my sight!
What are you doing?
Let me have 20 minutes at
350, then turn me over, okay?
Oh!
(door buzzer sounding)
Yes? Yes? Come in.
(door creaks)
We're here for the
door, Mr. Unger.
Ah.
It's all yours.
Oscar! OSCAR: Yeah?
Come here!
What?
We have won!
He's going to give us heat?
I'm going to call
your newspaper.
Well, if I were you, I'd
wait for the next edition.
What are you doing?
Oh, Lovelace told us
to take away your door.
Uh, nothing personal, Mr. Unger.
I hope you won't hold this
against us at Christmastime.
Mr. Fafner.
Come back here.
You-you can't take our door.
Bring back my door.
What about Christmas?
Where are we
gonna hang a wreath?
You see what he did?
He fixed the squeak.
We're-we're utterly defenseless.
We'll have to stand guard.
Any kook can walk right in.
(door buzzer sounds)
(door buzzer sounds)
(tapping buzzer)
Come in, Murray!
What's the matter,
you forget something?
No, no. I made a
quick phone call,
and I got a good lead.
Yeah, what? What?
This building is owned by
somebody in show business.
Now, I can't divulge who
it is until all the facts are in.
Aha. Just-just tell us his name.
Well, that's one of the
facts that isn't in yet.
But I'm working on it.
Murray? Yeah, yeah.
Don't you want to know
what happened to our door?
I can only work on
one case at a time.
WOMAN (over TV):
add quite a smidgen
of garlic powder,
salt and thyme.
Thank you very much.
(TV continues indistinctly)
Changing of the guard.
MAN (over TV): may
have some cool polar air
in the region of the north
country press slowly southward
to cover the northern
two-thirds of the nation.
High winds swept the north
and middle-Atlantic states
to the rear of
the Atlantic storm
that provided a
chilly, blustery day,
as winter staged a return visit.
♪ ♪
Oscar.
(honks) Oscar!
What, what's the matter?
What happened?
What happened with what?
Where's our furniture?
Where's our TV set?
Wow.
You miss one payment...
We were robbed.
(honking)
(honking horns)
(clamoring)
(whistling)
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is not a zoo.
Felix, they've taken
away all our doors.
We can't live without doors.
We're living without furniture.
There is not a single
door in this entire building.
A lot of us have been robbed.
The police are on it.
They're going to
find everything.
Believe me. You told us
you were gonna
handle Mr. Lovelace.
FELIX: And I am, I'm
going down there right now.
I'm gonna tear that
man limb from limb.
Hello, how are you?
Tenants, I have an announcement.
After much consideration,
management has
decided to settle the strike.
(cheering, whooping)
You did it, Unger!
We're gonna give
you your doors back
and turn the heat back on.
(cheering, whooping)
There will be no rent increase.
(cheering, whooping)
But... nobody gets
any of those things
unless Felix Unger
moves out of this building.
(cheering)
You want me to help
you with something else?
What's the matter?
I'm not moving
fast enough for you?
Oh, come on, Felix, I'm sorry
I yelled, "Hooray, hooray."
It was one of those
involuntary things.
Where you gonna go?
I don't know.
Where do martyrs go?
Somewhere in
this heartless city,
there must be a
lowly bed for me.
"Room and bath,
buck and a half..."
Oh, no, Felix, don't do that.
You can't make me feel guilty.
You walked into this
with your eyes wide open.
I said to you, "Don't get
involved, you'll be sorry."
Didn't I tell you so?
Oscar, all those times
you went to the track
and I told you not to go
'cause you couldn't
afford to lose
and you came back dead broke
and you got those threatening
letters from Blanche's lawyer,
did I ever once say
to you, "I told you so"?
Yeah, always.
Well, no matter.
I didn't let you
go to jail, did I?
I lent you the money, didn't I?
It's money I'll never
see again, that's for sure.
Yeah, but that's nothing.
It's easy to lend money,
but there's nothing
I can do about this.
No, no, of course not.
What is expected
of a friend? Nothing.
You're a lucky man, Oscar.
You're getting rid of Felix,
and it's not even on your head.
Lovelace is doing
your dirty work for you.
Oh, talk all you want.
You're not gonna
make me feel guilty,
'cause it's not my fault.
Nothing I can do about it.
FELIX: ♪ Look down, look down ♪
♪ That lonesome road ♪
♪ With no one to say... ♪
(singing "Brahms'
Lullaby" in German)
(knock at door)
Shh, shh, shh.
Mr. Lovelace... Shh.
(whispering): I'm trying
to get them to sleep.
You're Madison, right? Yeah.
I never forget a tenant.
You room with that
troublemaker, Unger.
Yeah. Yeah.
Remember him? Ah, come on.
Aren't you being a
little harsh with Felix?
No.
He stirs up the other tenants.
And he shouted at my geraniums.
So he gets carried away...
He should get carried
away in a basket.
Any man who wipes his
shoes before going outside...
So he likes clean.
That's no reason
to throw a man out
without a minute's
notice, is it?
I mean, look, I'll
tell you the truth.
Shh, shh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I'll level with you.
See, I've been waiting for years
to get rid of him
myself, but not like this.
Why don't we give
him a couple of months,
maybe to find someplace else,
or maybe he'll even go
back with his wife, see?
He'll be gone, and
we'll all be happy.
Yeah, well, the gang and I
will be happy only if
he's gone by tonight.
Wait a minute, I came down
here to work this out reasonably.
You gotta give a little.
No, you... you don't understand.
I'm the manager.
What I say goes.
And the next thing
that goes may be you.
Hey, you're loony,
Lovelace, you know that?
You treat people
like they're plants
and plants like they're people.
I'm glad they weren't
awake to hear that.
Yeah, well, Felix
and I are staying.
What do you think of that?
The other tenants
aren't gonna like it
because no one gets heat
or doors until he's gone.
Your nice neighbors are
gonna turn into an angry mob.
Yeah, well, we're gonna
stay, and that's that.
Yeah... boo! Don't! Shh!
Everybody up!!
Rise and shine!
Drop your roots
and grab your ferns!
Everybody, here we go!
That's an expectant mother!
Shh, shh, shh.
FELIX: You really told him off.
OSCAR: You know I did.
You lost your temper? Yes, sir.
(cackles) That's great!
You woke up his flowers,
though, huh? Yes, sir.
Oh, you shouldn't
have done that.
Well, he got me mad.
The important thing is
you're staying anyway.
Oh, this is just... it's just...
You're top drawer
in my chiffonier.
(laughing)
I'm gonna go tell the
tenants. No, no, no, no!
I wouldn't do that
if I were you. Why?
Well, Felix, it's
gonna be very difficult
for you to talk with
their fists in your mouth.
What do you... what do you mean?
Well, nothing has changed.
You stay, they don't get
doors, they don't get heat.
They may get violent.
That big bully.
Well, now he's going to find out
the meaning of solidarity.
We've got wonderful
people in this building.
They're gonna rally behind me.
You see, here's Mrs. Osgood.
Hi.
Get out!
Get out while you
have the chance, pinko.
OSCAR: You think the
mob will attack tonight?
It's quiet out there.
Yeah, too quiet.
Saw this scene in a movie once.
It happened to Randolph Scott.
He didn't pay his rent?
(knocking)
Yes?
MIRIAM: Felix, it's me.
Miriam?
Yeah.
This is a trick.
Oh, come on, will you?
How do... how do I
know it's you, Miriam?
I need proof.
Okay, remember the
night in the tunnel of love
in Far Rockaway? Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, it's you,
you can come in.
Come underneath. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Watch your head.
Miriam, what we do on a date
is private business.
How would you
like it if I told...
Felix, will you knock it off!
I just wanted to be with you.
You've got an angry
mob in this building.
Oh, Miriam, you ran
that gauntlet for me?
(crowd murmuring
angrily) (loud knocking)
MR. RALSTON: All right, Unger!
You've got one minute!
Miriam, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Something happened in Baltimore.
It didn't mean
anything at all to me.
I was lonely in a strange town.
A man has needs, Miriam.
Felix, this is not the time.
(pounding)
MRS. GOSSETT: You
come out or we're coming in!
No, you're not, no, you're not!
(all shouting angrily)
Get him out of here!
Let's throw him out!
You two... Shut up!
There's the man who
made you live like animals
in the freezing
cold without doors.
Let's beat him up.
Yeah! All right.
We're wasting time,
let's move their stuff.
Wait a minute here. You
take your hands off that!
How can you people
turn against Felix?
Doesn't anybody here
have a conscience?
You, Mrs. Osgood, when
one of your cats was missing,
who went out in
the rain and found it?
Who almost caught pneumonia
pulling it down from the tree?
And you, Mrs. Gossett,
when your daughter got married,
why, the groom's side of
the family was so cheap,
they wouldn't kick
in for anything,
who took the wedding
pictures for nothing?
Yeah and they were nice, too.
Yeah.
And you, Mr. Ralston,
when you got that ulcer
from that crazy job at the zoo,
who cooked for you?
Who taught you how
to coddle an egg?
And this week, when
you needed a leader,
who batted his
brains out for you?
Felix Unger, and
now you're gonna
help this man to throw him out!
I don't believe it, I
just don't believe it.
Where do you get off
throwing our leader
out of the building?
Yeah! Right!
Let's beat him up.
That's a good idea.
All right.
But if you stand with
them, you stand in the cold.
This is an impasse.
It's a case of an
irresistible force
meeting an immovable object.
It would take the wisdom
of Solomon to solve this.
Hold it.
I've solved the case.
Look, he showed up
just like the cavalry.
Yeah, will you
look at that bugle.
I went through
every conglomerate
and every big holding
company and I finally
tracked down the owner of this
building and it's a big TV star.
I bet it's David Janssen. Oh?
Meet Rodney Allen Rippy.
OSCAR: How do you like that?
I am Mr. Rippy's attorney.
Which one of you is Lovelace?
I am.
Yes, well, Mr. Rippy has
something to say to you.
You're fired.
You'll get your
severance pay in the mail.
Please be off the
premises by noon tomorrow.
What am I going
to tell the plants?
They always know when I'm lying.
Mr. Rippy would like you to know
that had he been aware
of the situation sooner,
he would have
come into it sooner.
Now, you're all going
to get your doors back.
There will be no rent increase,
and you'll have free
hamburgers for a month.
(cheering)
In the kitchen... Free
cookies and milk on me!
How does a small child like
this come to own a big building?
Tax shelter.
ATTORNEY: I think we've
finished our business here.
Maybe we should have turned
this place into a condominium.
Well, right triumphs
over might after all.
Come on, let's have
some milk and cookies.
No, no, no. Let's take
a walk around the block.
I want to hear what
happened in Baltimore
with the hickey and everything.
I was sitting in the coffee
shop... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This girl came up to join me.
She had the biggest...
Get out of here!
(knock at door)
Come in.
You wanted to see
us, Mr. Lovelace?
Yes.
As you know, I'm leaving.
I've lost my political
base in this building.
But before I go, I want
you to know I'm sorry
things got so far out of hand.
Well, we're not angry, are we?
I don't hold any grudges.
They recovered our furniture.
Let bygones be bygones.
You're both happy?
Yeah. Yeah.
That's good.
Okay, gang... kill!
Kill! Kill! Get 'em!
(laughs)
Ah, it's just my little joke.
Oh.