The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 16 - Felix the Horse Player - full transcript
Felix actually helps Oscar win at the track.
(man singing "Largo al factum")
(operatic song
continues playing)
(music stops, tuning station)
MAN (over radio): The weather is
clear, and the track is lightning fast.
In just a few moments,
the horses will be
approaching the starting gate.
It's a fine day here on
Long Island, not a cloud
in the sky, and 52,000 of
the faithful that turned out
to see a truly great field go a
grueling mile and one-quarter.
(turning station) What are
you doing? I'm listening to that.
Felix! Nobody just
listens to a horse race.
You bet money on
the race, didn't you?
Just a few dollars,
that's all. Yeah, sure.
How can you do it,
Oscar? Give me the radio.
How can you do it?
Please let me
listen to the race.
All the money you owe me, now,
I'm gonna show you something.
Please, please. You
just wait, just wait.
Oh, not the book again.
Please not the book!
"Monies owned by
Madison to Unger."
Oh, Felix.
"Volume two."
(tuning radio)
Will you cut it out?
1969: $418.
Felix, please!
1970: $255.
And who could ever forget 1971?
Here's a real biggie.
$812.
That was the year my son
Leonard couldn't go to camp.
He got plenty of sun, didn't he?
I took him to the
racetrack twice a week.
And you owe Leonard $40.
And now we come to 1972.
Felix, I know exactly how
much I owe you: $1,480.
I'm gonna pay you
back every penny today.
Sure, and chickens have lips.
Oh...
(tuning radio)
Are you going to listen to me?
Will you get out of the way?
It's a radio!
MAN (over radio): Ladies
Only and Flookey, noses apart.
At the eight pole, it's Flookey
one head over Ladies Only.
Ladies Only and Flookey,
and they're coming
to the finish line,
and it's Ladies Only!
Ladies Only... he won!
Ladies Only... he won!
He won, and 40 to one. He won!
He won at 40 to
one! Now, let me see.
There we go. What are you doing?
At 40 to one. At 40 to
one. What are you doing?
You can mark me paid
in full, Chicken Lips!
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh, Mac!
Hey!
You snapped, sir?
Yeah. Our table... When
is it gonna be ready?
We're starving.
In a minute,
monsieur. What is it?
So classy, the way you do that.
Oh, I want a table.
All right, enough suspense.
What's the big surprise
you brought me here for?
Well, the surprise is the guy
I'm gonna introduce you to
is gonna make us a millionaire.
Really?
Does this have anything to
do with horses perchance?
As a matter of fact...
Good-bye, Oscar.
Will you wait a minute?
Felix, this is
not the first time.
This is three out
of three winners.
Now I'm sure. Oh,
now you're sure.
I got a guy at the racetrack
that's giving me
inside information!
Really? Yeah.
Like that 82-year-old Gypsy
who could see horses
in the tea leaves?
Did she ever give
you one winner?
No, but she was right
about the earthquake
in Peru, wasn't she?
I just couldn't get
a bet down in time.
I wish I can get a table. Hey!
The minute is up. May I
have a table, sir? Thank you.
Oh, Your Honor, right
this way, monsieur.
Oh, thank you,
monsieur. Thank you.
Monsieur.
What is going on?
You're not gonna get a table
snapping and calling like that.
What am I supposed to do?
You have to schmear the guy. Oh.
Give him at least two
dollars, and you do it subtly.
I know how to do it once I
know what the procedure is.
Hey, buddy,
here's three dollars.
How about a table?
This way, monsieur. Yeah.
To the bar?
You're getting closer.
OSCAR: Felix, what are
you doing there? Come on!
(whispers): I'm ashamed
to be seen with you.
I'm at the bar. I got closer.
Oscar!
Harry!
Hi. Shh!
I don't want 'em to notice me.
Well, okay, come on, Harry.
Come on.
Harry, I'd like you to meet
my roommate, Felix Unger.
Felix, I'd like you to
meet Harry Tallman.
How do you do, Mr. Tallman?
Sit, sit, come on.
You must be a jockey.
Well, I tried to be,
but I was too small.
Yeah, he ain't kidding.
See, I wrote an article on him
called "Short in the Saddle."
And that article got me a job
as an exercise
rider, thanks to Oscar.
So that's why you're
giving him tips, huh?
Cool it, will you? We're
trying to keep it a secret.
Harry, I want you to tell
Felix... those tips you gave me...
Now, were they luck, or were
they sure things? Tell him?
They won, didn't they? Shh!
See? I mean, he's got
a knack with horses.
He works them
out in the morning.
He knows they
can run six furlongs
one-ten-three, one-12.
We're gonna make a fortune!
HARRY: Shh!
Don't worry, we're
gonna be careful.
From now on, we'll use
our code, okay, Harry?
Okay. I can't tell you how
much I appreciate this.
Well, I think I'll go.
So long, kid.
Okay, now you met him.
Three out of three winners.
You want to risk your money?
No!
My mother didn't raise
her children to be suckers.
Okay. Suit yourself.
Your table is ready,
monsieur. Finally.
Yeah, you go ahead, Felix.
I'm stuffed.
MAN (over P.A.): It's
Minnie June by a length.
It's Minnie June drawing
away, and Minnie June wins it!
(applause and cheering)
(laughter)
You're killing me. Tapeworm!
Monsieur Madison,
we prepared for you
your usual chateaubriand.
Oh, thank you,
Armand, thank you. Ah!
Oh, that looks terrific! Mmm!
Oh, wait a minute. Whoa!
Yes, sir?
That's the way
you serve a steak?
You call that well
done? Oh, so sorry, sir.
I mean, with a little care,
that could have lived.
A little care it
could have lived?
(laughter)
Tapeworm!
Monsieur, I will tell
the chef immediately
to burn a fresh steak
for you. Thank you.
Good. Thank you
very much, Armand.
(indistinct chatter)
Your chateaubriand, monsieur.
Here. Put a little caviar
on one of the crackers
for me, will you?
Ah, sure.
(Oscar mumbling) Oscar?
Hey, do you want me to get
rid of this creep, Mr. Madison?
I'm his roommate.
Yeah, that's my roommate.
Leave him alone, nut.
Oh, I'm just protecting you
from the leeches,
baby, that's all.
Come on, have a
seat, sweetheart.
Felix, sit.
I want you to meet my entourage.
Hello, entourage.
Hi, there.
Well, what'll it be, Felix?
Quail's eggs, pâte, caviar?
It's all on me.
It certainly is.
Not in front of my entourage.
(laughter)
Can I talk to you, please?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Beat it. Scram.
See you later, okay?
So long. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Whoo! Let's go. Take care.
See you. Now, don't forget.
I'll meet you all 10:00
tomorrow morning at Tiffany's.
I know you love me.
I know you love me.
They love me.
So, what is this?
What are you doing?
I'm living out my fantasies.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Don't you realize
that he who calls the
tune must pay the piper?
What are you going to do
when the golden goose dies?
They'll serve it
to me under glass.
What good is all this doing?
You're blowing it as
fast as it comes in.
That's impossible.
Felix, you see this here?
See that bulge
right at the... See?
You mean, you're
making so much money,
you have to carry a gun?
That's not a gun.
It's more money.
I can't lose.
I got a gold mine.
The only thing missing is,
I'm not sharing all
this good fortune
with my best friend.
Well, I have an entourage, too.
Blood, sweat and tears.
I work for my money.
Today wipes out
a lifetime of losses.
I am in the black
for a lifetime.
You mean, that you've
won more in the last week
than you've lost
in your whole life?
Now, you got it!
Including your bets on
the St. Louis Browns?
Yeah!
And Thomas E. Dewey?
Yes!
And all those white
heavyweights?
Every penny of it.
And you're proud
of that, aren't you?
That you're making money
without lifting a finger?
Doesn't it bother you
that decent people like me
have to work for a living? No.
Well, it doesn't bother me,
either. I want to be with you.
Number five, right?
Two heads of lettuce,
vinegar and a lot of oil.
Right, gotcha. Bye-bye.
What's that about
lettuce and oil?
That's Harry's secret
code, and here it is.
Fifth race, Tossed
Salad. See it?
Isn't that wonderful?!
You bet it is.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm so rich, I'm gonna
burn all my old clothes.
What's this pile?
That's my new clothes.
What are you doing
with the racing form?
Felix Unger does
not simply invest.
He gets involved.
I want to learn the horse
game from the fetlocks up.
Felix, all you have to know
is, ask me who's gonna win,
I'll tell you, and
then you bet on it.
Winning, I understand...
What do they mean when
they say "place" and "show"?
Oh, come on, Felix, everybody
knows what they mean
when they say place and show?
No, it's not mentioned in
the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Well, "place" means when
a horse comes in second.
"Show" means
when it comes in third.
Well, what's the difference?
Well, it means you can get paid
if your horse comes
in second or third.
Your horse can finish third,
and they give you money?
Yeah.
Oh, but he's got to finish
just a-a teenie weenie
bit behind the winner.
No, it doesn't matter... he
could finish 20 lengths behind.
It still doesn't matter.
You still get paid.
Your horse can get
beaten by 20 lengths,
and they still pay you?!
Yeah.
And you've been losing
money all these years?!
Come on, Felix.
There are a lot of
horses in a race.
Besides, you don't win
as much if you bet a horse
to come in third as
you do bet him to win.
Ah, ah, yeah, yeah. What
else you want to know?
Everything... the horses,
the jockeys, the tracks.
I'm a clean slate,
Oscar. Write on me.
Oh, come on, Felix.
I don't have the time.
I want to get a bet
in on Tossed Salad.
Now, you want to bet with me?
The odds are four to one.
Now, what does that
mean, four to one?
That means every dollar you
bet, you get four dollars back.
Ah. Okay, good.
I'll do it. A dollar.
A dollar?
You can't bet a
dollar. I'll risk it.
No. I'm sorry, you're
gonna have to go all the way
and risk at least two dollars.
All right, I'll go all
the way... two dollars.
You sure that's all?
Well, this is my first time.
Then I'll be gentle.
Hello, Irwin? Oscar.
Yeah. Fifth race, Tossed Salad.
I want $202 to win.
That's right, $202.
The two dollars?
From Felix the Greek.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
That's my code name, huh?
All right, your bet is in.
You got two dollars to win.
To win? Yeah.
No, no.
It should be one dollar to win,
and then 70 cents to place
and 30 cents to show.
Here, you call Irwin
and explain it to him.
Felix, hurry up, will you?
The race is gonna
start any minute.
Let's go.
What is that?
It's my lucky sweater.
I wore it all through
grammar school.
It won me the spelling bee,
the potato race at the picnic,
and I was wearing it
when my skin cleared up.
See? See my name there?
MAN (on radio): ready to go.
From camp.
And they're off.
Coming out of the gate,
it's Music Lad, Silver Oak
and Nick O' Time, Rodney
G., Rubatub and Tossed Salad.
Oh, no! No...!
It's early. It's
early. It's early.
You mean we still have a chance?
Of course we have a
chance. It just started.
Come on, sweater,
come on, sweater.
In the backstretch, it's
Silver Oak, Nick O' Time,
Music Man, Rodney G.,
Rubatub and Tossed Salad.
The sweater isn't working.
Come on, help
me take... Felix...
Take it off me, take it off me.
Take it off.
And at the far turn,
Silver Oak and Music Man,
and coming through on
the rail, Tossed Salad.
It's working. It's
working. It's working.
But if he doesn't
win, I lose everything!
Yeah, you blow the
whole two dollars.
Into the homestretch, it's
Silver Oak... Music Man,
and here comes Tossed Salad.
Now he makes his move.
You call yourself a horse?!
And now, they're neck and neck...
Silver Oak and Tossed Salad.
Silver Oak, Tossed Salad.
They cross the finish line.
It's Tossed Salad!
He was playing with them!
(laughs)
He could have
ended it at any time.
He was playing with them!
I won ten big ones, fella!
Maybe you shouldn't do this
anymore; you get too excited.
Are you kidding?!
400% on my investment
in a minute and a half!
And to think, all these years
I've been squandering
my savings in a bank.
And for what?
A lousy five percent
and a free Waterpik.
What are you doing?
I'm taking my money away
from those robber barons.
Why should I risk my savings
on blue chips, mutual
funds, treasury bonds?
I've got a midget named Harry!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(bell ringing)
(violin playing classical music)
Yes! Yes.
I'll take them all, please.
Put them right here.
Here's $50.
Thank you.
No smoking!
That's Tchaikovsky, isn't it?
Enough of that
sentimental tripe.
The next time you
see me in here,
please play Bach and Bach only.
Thank you.
Voilà, monsieur.
Chateau Flaubert 1953.
A magnificent little wine.
(loud pop)
That was very good.
How do you do that?
Oh, sir. (loud pop)
Oh, very good. Thank you.
Thank you, monsieur.
(loud pop)
Don't beg.
Ah, Monsieur Madison.
Hi, um... What
would you like to eat?
Just give me the
usual, will you?
One venison on an onion roll.
Yeah. A lot of mayonnaise, huh?
Well, how else would
one have it, monsieur?
Hey, that's a
terrific jacket, buddy.
(chuckles) Thank you,
monsieur, thanks to you.
(laughs)
Listen, traffic over
here was murder.
We still got a half
hour. Harry called me.
I got some good
news in the fifth race.
Go ahead. See, he told
me that the favorite's been
sneezing all day... means a
long shot has a better chance.
I want us to double up our bet.
Great. I've got even
better news. What?
We did so well
in the daily double
that we've completely wiped
Irwin out of the business.
He was here half an hour
ago, made his final payoff.
He's out of the business?
Isn't that wonderful?
No, that's terrible.
Who we gonna make
the bet with now?
(chuckles) You know
plenty of bookies.
Yeah, but nobody I would
trust with a bet that large.
Well, then... we'd
better get to the track.
We won't have time;
we got to go to OTB.
What's that? Offtrack betting.
The city will be our bookie.
Well, why didn't we bet
with the city to begin with?
Because Irwin is a better risk.
Come on, let's go.
(loud pop)
(chuckles)
MAN (shouting):
New York Daily News!
Read all about it...!
(man continues
shouting indistinctly)
Hey, Oscar, I hear
you're doing great.
What is it? You got
some inside info?
Oh, no, no, you know I don't
cover the horses in my column.
Oh, you must be onto
something if you broke Irwin.
No. I just happened to be
on a lucky streak, that's all.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
watch everything you do,
so I can bet right
along with you.
Felix, we're in trouble.
What? What? They know I'm hot.
They're gonna bet
on the horse I bet on.
It'll knock the odds down.
I'm lucky if we can
get even money.
Then what'll we do? I'm
gonna bet on another horse.
We'll lose all our
money! No, no, no.
I'm only gonna bet
$20 on my horse.
You're gonna make the
big bet on the real horse,
Rings and Things, see. Ah-ha!
Shh, keep the "ah-ha" down.
Rings and Things.
Rhymes with "jing-a-ling."
Rings and Things.
But you're not with me.
You're not with me. You never
saw me, right? Got you. I got you.
Hey, Oscar, I hear you're
getting it on the inside.
Oh, no, no. Oh, thank
you very much, sir,
for letting me read your paper.
(Southern accent):
My pleasure, stranger.
Just a little touch of
Southern hospitality.
Very nice of you.
Hope I run into you
again sometime,
though I don't
consider it very likely,
because I'm very seldom
in this part of the country.
Enough, Colonel!
You know what
you were telling me
about the selling
window? This is it, sir.
Ah, I understand
perfectly. Good.
Perfectly. Okay.
Come on, Oscar,
who-who's gonna win?
Who's gonna win? Well, fellas,
I'm gonna bet on Tanglefoot,
but I wish you
wouldn't go with me.
I mean, I been going sour.
Well, well, looks as though
we're neighbors, stranger. Yeah.
Are you still betting
that same horse?
Who's he betting?!
Who's he betting?!
Yeah. Still using
that same system?
What system?! What?! What?!
I don't see how
closing your eyes
and stickin' a pin through
a program can work.
However, as they say
in my part of the country,
one man's chicken is
another man's gumbo!
(knocking loudly)
Take it easy, mister,
you ain't goin' no place.
ANNOUNCER (over radio): It's
Tanglefoot and Rings and Things,
Tanglefoot and Rings and
Things, they're neck and neck,
nose and nose, and at the wire,
it's Rings and
Things, the winner!
Oh, man! See what happened.
(muttering)
You stink, Madison!
(muttering)
I tell you, I'm sorry, fellas.
Well, I'm going back
to my old system:
find out who you're betting
on and then go against him!
I don't blame you.
Close your eyes and
poke at a program.
Yeah.
Tough luck, strangers,
but those are the breaks
of the game, aren't they?
Well, if you're ever down
in my neck of the woods,
I hope y'all drop in, we'll
split a possum, ya hear?
(buzzer sounds)
OSCAR: Who is it?
There's nobody here.
Then it must be
Harry. Let him in.
Hi, Harry!
Come on in! Hey! Hi, fellas!
Harry! Hey!
I thought we weren't
supposed to meet.
It doesn't matter
anymore; I quit.
What? You what?
Well, I'm a happy man now.
I finally made it as a jockey.
I'm gonna ride in Panama.
Oh, great.
Congratulations.
You can give us great
tips as-as a jockey.
I don't know any Panama bookies.
Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.
I hate to let you
down like this.
What do you mean, let us down?
Listen, you've
been so terrific to us!
I want to thank you
for everything you did,
and I want to
tell you I wish you
the best of luck
there in Panama.
Thank you.
Oh, I almost forgot.
If it means anything to you,
Yellow Angel is
running in the third.
Yellow Angel in the third.
I didn't ride him, but
he looks real good.
Ah, thanks for
everything, Harry.
Thanks, Harry.
At last, I'm a jockey.
I feel five feet tall.
Yellow Angel in the
third, it's a sure thing.
No, no, I didn't hear
Harry say "sure thing."
Third, third. What
are you doing?
The odds are 12 to one. Yeah,
but he didn't seem very positive.
We could retire for life!
No, but he didn't
seem excited about it.
Where's Oscar? This isn't Oscar.
No, I may have lost it. I
think I turned into a chicken.
We have 25 pounds
of money in here, So?
At 12 to one.
It'll be 300 pounds of money.
Please, Felix, don't.
Oh, but the penthouse.
No, Felix, don't.
Oh, the terrace with the
pool, Don't do it, please.
The billiard room! (groaning)
Oh, come on. All
right, all right, all right!
But let's take some
of the money out,
put it aside for
something we really need,
then we'll bet the rest.
Bet the rest. All
right. Okay? Okay.
Five dollars for socks.
ANNOUNCER (over
P.A.) In just a few moments,
the horses will be
approaching the starting gate.
(bell ringing)
And they're off!
Coming out of the gate.
(announcer
speaking indistinctly)
and Yellow Angel.
Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel.
And coming out on the rail,
it's Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel.
Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel!
As they cross the wire, it's...
Two lousy inches.
It's a nose, Felix.
They call it "losing by a nose."
How can they tell
from those pictures?
All cameras distort.
Yeah, you're probably right,
but it can't change a thing.
What about that foul?!
I know I saw that
other horse bump him!
Even if he did, it
doesn't mean anything.
The jockey didn't tell them.
We could tell them.
And what happens, right?
They call everybody
up, all the winners,
and they say, "Listen,
there's been a mistake.
Give all your money to Felix
and Oscar." Yes, yes, yes!
They can't do that! Why not?!
They just don't!
Will you stop already
and pull yourself together?!
I don't know how you
can take things so calmly.
We had a whole
briefcase full of money.
Now... (briefcase
clatters on floor)
We had a great time, didn't we?
We had a marvelous time.
What's the sense of ruining it
with what we should have done?
You're right.
Maybe it's better this way.
We were getting just a little
bit crazy with all that money.
(chuckles): We sure were.
But we were so close.
It was just in the
palm of my hands!
I just... Please, listen to me.
Look, as a gambler,
listen to me.
You could run this over in
your mind a thousand times.
(sighs): Oh!
"Oh, I should have done that.
Oh, I should have done this.
Why didn't I do that?
Why didn't I do this?"
All of it means nothing.
All the talk doesn't
mean anything,
because, Felix,
one thing is for sure:
there is no such
thing as a sure thing.
That's why they
call it gambling.
You're right.
What am I so miserable about?!
We had a wonderful time,
didn't we? We sure did.
We're not out anything, we're just
back where we started. Absolutely.
We made a lot of money, and
we had a wonderful... (laughing)
Two inches!
That is the difference
between you and me.
I cured myself. I got over it.
You can't seem
to do it, can you?
I at least got over
the gambling fever,
but you're still hooked.
You don't care what
happens to you, do you?
You don't care how
humiliated you make yourself.
You'll do anything, won't you?
You'll do anything
for two dollars.
All right, go ahead, do it.
(loud pop)
(operatic song
continues playing)
(music stops, tuning station)
MAN (over radio): The weather is
clear, and the track is lightning fast.
In just a few moments,
the horses will be
approaching the starting gate.
It's a fine day here on
Long Island, not a cloud
in the sky, and 52,000 of
the faithful that turned out
to see a truly great field go a
grueling mile and one-quarter.
(turning station) What are
you doing? I'm listening to that.
Felix! Nobody just
listens to a horse race.
You bet money on
the race, didn't you?
Just a few dollars,
that's all. Yeah, sure.
How can you do it,
Oscar? Give me the radio.
How can you do it?
Please let me
listen to the race.
All the money you owe me, now,
I'm gonna show you something.
Please, please. You
just wait, just wait.
Oh, not the book again.
Please not the book!
"Monies owned by
Madison to Unger."
Oh, Felix.
"Volume two."
(tuning radio)
Will you cut it out?
1969: $418.
Felix, please!
1970: $255.
And who could ever forget 1971?
Here's a real biggie.
$812.
That was the year my son
Leonard couldn't go to camp.
He got plenty of sun, didn't he?
I took him to the
racetrack twice a week.
And you owe Leonard $40.
And now we come to 1972.
Felix, I know exactly how
much I owe you: $1,480.
I'm gonna pay you
back every penny today.
Sure, and chickens have lips.
Oh...
(tuning radio)
Are you going to listen to me?
Will you get out of the way?
It's a radio!
MAN (over radio): Ladies
Only and Flookey, noses apart.
At the eight pole, it's Flookey
one head over Ladies Only.
Ladies Only and Flookey,
and they're coming
to the finish line,
and it's Ladies Only!
Ladies Only... he won!
Ladies Only... he won!
He won, and 40 to one. He won!
He won at 40 to
one! Now, let me see.
There we go. What are you doing?
At 40 to one. At 40 to
one. What are you doing?
You can mark me paid
in full, Chicken Lips!
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh, Mac!
Hey!
You snapped, sir?
Yeah. Our table... When
is it gonna be ready?
We're starving.
In a minute,
monsieur. What is it?
So classy, the way you do that.
Oh, I want a table.
All right, enough suspense.
What's the big surprise
you brought me here for?
Well, the surprise is the guy
I'm gonna introduce you to
is gonna make us a millionaire.
Really?
Does this have anything to
do with horses perchance?
As a matter of fact...
Good-bye, Oscar.
Will you wait a minute?
Felix, this is
not the first time.
This is three out
of three winners.
Now I'm sure. Oh,
now you're sure.
I got a guy at the racetrack
that's giving me
inside information!
Really? Yeah.
Like that 82-year-old Gypsy
who could see horses
in the tea leaves?
Did she ever give
you one winner?
No, but she was right
about the earthquake
in Peru, wasn't she?
I just couldn't get
a bet down in time.
I wish I can get a table. Hey!
The minute is up. May I
have a table, sir? Thank you.
Oh, Your Honor, right
this way, monsieur.
Oh, thank you,
monsieur. Thank you.
Monsieur.
What is going on?
You're not gonna get a table
snapping and calling like that.
What am I supposed to do?
You have to schmear the guy. Oh.
Give him at least two
dollars, and you do it subtly.
I know how to do it once I
know what the procedure is.
Hey, buddy,
here's three dollars.
How about a table?
This way, monsieur. Yeah.
To the bar?
You're getting closer.
OSCAR: Felix, what are
you doing there? Come on!
(whispers): I'm ashamed
to be seen with you.
I'm at the bar. I got closer.
Oscar!
Harry!
Hi. Shh!
I don't want 'em to notice me.
Well, okay, come on, Harry.
Come on.
Harry, I'd like you to meet
my roommate, Felix Unger.
Felix, I'd like you to
meet Harry Tallman.
How do you do, Mr. Tallman?
Sit, sit, come on.
You must be a jockey.
Well, I tried to be,
but I was too small.
Yeah, he ain't kidding.
See, I wrote an article on him
called "Short in the Saddle."
And that article got me a job
as an exercise
rider, thanks to Oscar.
So that's why you're
giving him tips, huh?
Cool it, will you? We're
trying to keep it a secret.
Harry, I want you to tell
Felix... those tips you gave me...
Now, were they luck, or were
they sure things? Tell him?
They won, didn't they? Shh!
See? I mean, he's got
a knack with horses.
He works them
out in the morning.
He knows they
can run six furlongs
one-ten-three, one-12.
We're gonna make a fortune!
HARRY: Shh!
Don't worry, we're
gonna be careful.
From now on, we'll use
our code, okay, Harry?
Okay. I can't tell you how
much I appreciate this.
Well, I think I'll go.
So long, kid.
Okay, now you met him.
Three out of three winners.
You want to risk your money?
No!
My mother didn't raise
her children to be suckers.
Okay. Suit yourself.
Your table is ready,
monsieur. Finally.
Yeah, you go ahead, Felix.
I'm stuffed.
MAN (over P.A.): It's
Minnie June by a length.
It's Minnie June drawing
away, and Minnie June wins it!
(applause and cheering)
(laughter)
You're killing me. Tapeworm!
Monsieur Madison,
we prepared for you
your usual chateaubriand.
Oh, thank you,
Armand, thank you. Ah!
Oh, that looks terrific! Mmm!
Oh, wait a minute. Whoa!
Yes, sir?
That's the way
you serve a steak?
You call that well
done? Oh, so sorry, sir.
I mean, with a little care,
that could have lived.
A little care it
could have lived?
(laughter)
Tapeworm!
Monsieur, I will tell
the chef immediately
to burn a fresh steak
for you. Thank you.
Good. Thank you
very much, Armand.
(indistinct chatter)
Your chateaubriand, monsieur.
Here. Put a little caviar
on one of the crackers
for me, will you?
Ah, sure.
(Oscar mumbling) Oscar?
Hey, do you want me to get
rid of this creep, Mr. Madison?
I'm his roommate.
Yeah, that's my roommate.
Leave him alone, nut.
Oh, I'm just protecting you
from the leeches,
baby, that's all.
Come on, have a
seat, sweetheart.
Felix, sit.
I want you to meet my entourage.
Hello, entourage.
Hi, there.
Well, what'll it be, Felix?
Quail's eggs, pâte, caviar?
It's all on me.
It certainly is.
Not in front of my entourage.
(laughter)
Can I talk to you, please?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Beat it. Scram.
See you later, okay?
So long. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Whoo! Let's go. Take care.
See you. Now, don't forget.
I'll meet you all 10:00
tomorrow morning at Tiffany's.
I know you love me.
I know you love me.
They love me.
So, what is this?
What are you doing?
I'm living out my fantasies.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Don't you realize
that he who calls the
tune must pay the piper?
What are you going to do
when the golden goose dies?
They'll serve it
to me under glass.
What good is all this doing?
You're blowing it as
fast as it comes in.
That's impossible.
Felix, you see this here?
See that bulge
right at the... See?
You mean, you're
making so much money,
you have to carry a gun?
That's not a gun.
It's more money.
I can't lose.
I got a gold mine.
The only thing missing is,
I'm not sharing all
this good fortune
with my best friend.
Well, I have an entourage, too.
Blood, sweat and tears.
I work for my money.
Today wipes out
a lifetime of losses.
I am in the black
for a lifetime.
You mean, that you've
won more in the last week
than you've lost
in your whole life?
Now, you got it!
Including your bets on
the St. Louis Browns?
Yeah!
And Thomas E. Dewey?
Yes!
And all those white
heavyweights?
Every penny of it.
And you're proud
of that, aren't you?
That you're making money
without lifting a finger?
Doesn't it bother you
that decent people like me
have to work for a living? No.
Well, it doesn't bother me,
either. I want to be with you.
Number five, right?
Two heads of lettuce,
vinegar and a lot of oil.
Right, gotcha. Bye-bye.
What's that about
lettuce and oil?
That's Harry's secret
code, and here it is.
Fifth race, Tossed
Salad. See it?
Isn't that wonderful?!
You bet it is.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm so rich, I'm gonna
burn all my old clothes.
What's this pile?
That's my new clothes.
What are you doing
with the racing form?
Felix Unger does
not simply invest.
He gets involved.
I want to learn the horse
game from the fetlocks up.
Felix, all you have to know
is, ask me who's gonna win,
I'll tell you, and
then you bet on it.
Winning, I understand...
What do they mean when
they say "place" and "show"?
Oh, come on, Felix, everybody
knows what they mean
when they say place and show?
No, it's not mentioned in
the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Well, "place" means when
a horse comes in second.
"Show" means
when it comes in third.
Well, what's the difference?
Well, it means you can get paid
if your horse comes
in second or third.
Your horse can finish third,
and they give you money?
Yeah.
Oh, but he's got to finish
just a-a teenie weenie
bit behind the winner.
No, it doesn't matter... he
could finish 20 lengths behind.
It still doesn't matter.
You still get paid.
Your horse can get
beaten by 20 lengths,
and they still pay you?!
Yeah.
And you've been losing
money all these years?!
Come on, Felix.
There are a lot of
horses in a race.
Besides, you don't win
as much if you bet a horse
to come in third as
you do bet him to win.
Ah, ah, yeah, yeah. What
else you want to know?
Everything... the horses,
the jockeys, the tracks.
I'm a clean slate,
Oscar. Write on me.
Oh, come on, Felix.
I don't have the time.
I want to get a bet
in on Tossed Salad.
Now, you want to bet with me?
The odds are four to one.
Now, what does that
mean, four to one?
That means every dollar you
bet, you get four dollars back.
Ah. Okay, good.
I'll do it. A dollar.
A dollar?
You can't bet a
dollar. I'll risk it.
No. I'm sorry, you're
gonna have to go all the way
and risk at least two dollars.
All right, I'll go all
the way... two dollars.
You sure that's all?
Well, this is my first time.
Then I'll be gentle.
Hello, Irwin? Oscar.
Yeah. Fifth race, Tossed Salad.
I want $202 to win.
That's right, $202.
The two dollars?
From Felix the Greek.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
That's my code name, huh?
All right, your bet is in.
You got two dollars to win.
To win? Yeah.
No, no.
It should be one dollar to win,
and then 70 cents to place
and 30 cents to show.
Here, you call Irwin
and explain it to him.
Felix, hurry up, will you?
The race is gonna
start any minute.
Let's go.
What is that?
It's my lucky sweater.
I wore it all through
grammar school.
It won me the spelling bee,
the potato race at the picnic,
and I was wearing it
when my skin cleared up.
See? See my name there?
MAN (on radio): ready to go.
From camp.
And they're off.
Coming out of the gate,
it's Music Lad, Silver Oak
and Nick O' Time, Rodney
G., Rubatub and Tossed Salad.
Oh, no! No...!
It's early. It's
early. It's early.
You mean we still have a chance?
Of course we have a
chance. It just started.
Come on, sweater,
come on, sweater.
In the backstretch, it's
Silver Oak, Nick O' Time,
Music Man, Rodney G.,
Rubatub and Tossed Salad.
The sweater isn't working.
Come on, help
me take... Felix...
Take it off me, take it off me.
Take it off.
And at the far turn,
Silver Oak and Music Man,
and coming through on
the rail, Tossed Salad.
It's working. It's
working. It's working.
But if he doesn't
win, I lose everything!
Yeah, you blow the
whole two dollars.
Into the homestretch, it's
Silver Oak... Music Man,
and here comes Tossed Salad.
Now he makes his move.
You call yourself a horse?!
And now, they're neck and neck...
Silver Oak and Tossed Salad.
Silver Oak, Tossed Salad.
They cross the finish line.
It's Tossed Salad!
He was playing with them!
(laughs)
He could have
ended it at any time.
He was playing with them!
I won ten big ones, fella!
Maybe you shouldn't do this
anymore; you get too excited.
Are you kidding?!
400% on my investment
in a minute and a half!
And to think, all these years
I've been squandering
my savings in a bank.
And for what?
A lousy five percent
and a free Waterpik.
What are you doing?
I'm taking my money away
from those robber barons.
Why should I risk my savings
on blue chips, mutual
funds, treasury bonds?
I've got a midget named Harry!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(bell ringing)
(violin playing classical music)
Yes! Yes.
I'll take them all, please.
Put them right here.
Here's $50.
Thank you.
No smoking!
That's Tchaikovsky, isn't it?
Enough of that
sentimental tripe.
The next time you
see me in here,
please play Bach and Bach only.
Thank you.
Voilà, monsieur.
Chateau Flaubert 1953.
A magnificent little wine.
(loud pop)
That was very good.
How do you do that?
Oh, sir. (loud pop)
Oh, very good. Thank you.
Thank you, monsieur.
(loud pop)
Don't beg.
Ah, Monsieur Madison.
Hi, um... What
would you like to eat?
Just give me the
usual, will you?
One venison on an onion roll.
Yeah. A lot of mayonnaise, huh?
Well, how else would
one have it, monsieur?
Hey, that's a
terrific jacket, buddy.
(chuckles) Thank you,
monsieur, thanks to you.
(laughs)
Listen, traffic over
here was murder.
We still got a half
hour. Harry called me.
I got some good
news in the fifth race.
Go ahead. See, he told
me that the favorite's been
sneezing all day... means a
long shot has a better chance.
I want us to double up our bet.
Great. I've got even
better news. What?
We did so well
in the daily double
that we've completely wiped
Irwin out of the business.
He was here half an hour
ago, made his final payoff.
He's out of the business?
Isn't that wonderful?
No, that's terrible.
Who we gonna make
the bet with now?
(chuckles) You know
plenty of bookies.
Yeah, but nobody I would
trust with a bet that large.
Well, then... we'd
better get to the track.
We won't have time;
we got to go to OTB.
What's that? Offtrack betting.
The city will be our bookie.
Well, why didn't we bet
with the city to begin with?
Because Irwin is a better risk.
Come on, let's go.
(loud pop)
(chuckles)
MAN (shouting):
New York Daily News!
Read all about it...!
(man continues
shouting indistinctly)
Hey, Oscar, I hear
you're doing great.
What is it? You got
some inside info?
Oh, no, no, you know I don't
cover the horses in my column.
Oh, you must be onto
something if you broke Irwin.
No. I just happened to be
on a lucky streak, that's all.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
watch everything you do,
so I can bet right
along with you.
Felix, we're in trouble.
What? What? They know I'm hot.
They're gonna bet
on the horse I bet on.
It'll knock the odds down.
I'm lucky if we can
get even money.
Then what'll we do? I'm
gonna bet on another horse.
We'll lose all our
money! No, no, no.
I'm only gonna bet
$20 on my horse.
You're gonna make the
big bet on the real horse,
Rings and Things, see. Ah-ha!
Shh, keep the "ah-ha" down.
Rings and Things.
Rhymes with "jing-a-ling."
Rings and Things.
But you're not with me.
You're not with me. You never
saw me, right? Got you. I got you.
Hey, Oscar, I hear you're
getting it on the inside.
Oh, no, no. Oh, thank
you very much, sir,
for letting me read your paper.
(Southern accent):
My pleasure, stranger.
Just a little touch of
Southern hospitality.
Very nice of you.
Hope I run into you
again sometime,
though I don't
consider it very likely,
because I'm very seldom
in this part of the country.
Enough, Colonel!
You know what
you were telling me
about the selling
window? This is it, sir.
Ah, I understand
perfectly. Good.
Perfectly. Okay.
Come on, Oscar,
who-who's gonna win?
Who's gonna win? Well, fellas,
I'm gonna bet on Tanglefoot,
but I wish you
wouldn't go with me.
I mean, I been going sour.
Well, well, looks as though
we're neighbors, stranger. Yeah.
Are you still betting
that same horse?
Who's he betting?!
Who's he betting?!
Yeah. Still using
that same system?
What system?! What?! What?!
I don't see how
closing your eyes
and stickin' a pin through
a program can work.
However, as they say
in my part of the country,
one man's chicken is
another man's gumbo!
(knocking loudly)
Take it easy, mister,
you ain't goin' no place.
ANNOUNCER (over radio): It's
Tanglefoot and Rings and Things,
Tanglefoot and Rings and
Things, they're neck and neck,
nose and nose, and at the wire,
it's Rings and
Things, the winner!
Oh, man! See what happened.
(muttering)
You stink, Madison!
(muttering)
I tell you, I'm sorry, fellas.
Well, I'm going back
to my old system:
find out who you're betting
on and then go against him!
I don't blame you.
Close your eyes and
poke at a program.
Yeah.
Tough luck, strangers,
but those are the breaks
of the game, aren't they?
Well, if you're ever down
in my neck of the woods,
I hope y'all drop in, we'll
split a possum, ya hear?
(buzzer sounds)
OSCAR: Who is it?
There's nobody here.
Then it must be
Harry. Let him in.
Hi, Harry!
Come on in! Hey! Hi, fellas!
Harry! Hey!
I thought we weren't
supposed to meet.
It doesn't matter
anymore; I quit.
What? You what?
Well, I'm a happy man now.
I finally made it as a jockey.
I'm gonna ride in Panama.
Oh, great.
Congratulations.
You can give us great
tips as-as a jockey.
I don't know any Panama bookies.
Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.
I hate to let you
down like this.
What do you mean, let us down?
Listen, you've
been so terrific to us!
I want to thank you
for everything you did,
and I want to
tell you I wish you
the best of luck
there in Panama.
Thank you.
Oh, I almost forgot.
If it means anything to you,
Yellow Angel is
running in the third.
Yellow Angel in the third.
I didn't ride him, but
he looks real good.
Ah, thanks for
everything, Harry.
Thanks, Harry.
At last, I'm a jockey.
I feel five feet tall.
Yellow Angel in the
third, it's a sure thing.
No, no, I didn't hear
Harry say "sure thing."
Third, third. What
are you doing?
The odds are 12 to one. Yeah,
but he didn't seem very positive.
We could retire for life!
No, but he didn't
seem excited about it.
Where's Oscar? This isn't Oscar.
No, I may have lost it. I
think I turned into a chicken.
We have 25 pounds
of money in here, So?
At 12 to one.
It'll be 300 pounds of money.
Please, Felix, don't.
Oh, but the penthouse.
No, Felix, don't.
Oh, the terrace with the
pool, Don't do it, please.
The billiard room! (groaning)
Oh, come on. All
right, all right, all right!
But let's take some
of the money out,
put it aside for
something we really need,
then we'll bet the rest.
Bet the rest. All
right. Okay? Okay.
Five dollars for socks.
ANNOUNCER (over
P.A.) In just a few moments,
the horses will be
approaching the starting gate.
(bell ringing)
And they're off!
Coming out of the gate.
(announcer
speaking indistinctly)
and Yellow Angel.
Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel.
And coming out on the rail,
it's Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel.
Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel!
As they cross the wire, it's...
Two lousy inches.
It's a nose, Felix.
They call it "losing by a nose."
How can they tell
from those pictures?
All cameras distort.
Yeah, you're probably right,
but it can't change a thing.
What about that foul?!
I know I saw that
other horse bump him!
Even if he did, it
doesn't mean anything.
The jockey didn't tell them.
We could tell them.
And what happens, right?
They call everybody
up, all the winners,
and they say, "Listen,
there's been a mistake.
Give all your money to Felix
and Oscar." Yes, yes, yes!
They can't do that! Why not?!
They just don't!
Will you stop already
and pull yourself together?!
I don't know how you
can take things so calmly.
We had a whole
briefcase full of money.
Now... (briefcase
clatters on floor)
We had a great time, didn't we?
We had a marvelous time.
What's the sense of ruining it
with what we should have done?
You're right.
Maybe it's better this way.
We were getting just a little
bit crazy with all that money.
(chuckles): We sure were.
But we were so close.
It was just in the
palm of my hands!
I just... Please, listen to me.
Look, as a gambler,
listen to me.
You could run this over in
your mind a thousand times.
(sighs): Oh!
"Oh, I should have done that.
Oh, I should have done this.
Why didn't I do that?
Why didn't I do this?"
All of it means nothing.
All the talk doesn't
mean anything,
because, Felix,
one thing is for sure:
there is no such
thing as a sure thing.
That's why they
call it gambling.
You're right.
What am I so miserable about?!
We had a wonderful time,
didn't we? We sure did.
We're not out anything, we're just
back where we started. Absolutely.
We made a lot of money, and
we had a wonderful... (laughing)
Two inches!
That is the difference
between you and me.
I cured myself. I got over it.
You can't seem
to do it, can you?
I at least got over
the gambling fever,
but you're still hooked.
You don't care what
happens to you, do you?
You don't care how
humiliated you make yourself.
You'll do anything, won't you?
You'll do anything
for two dollars.
All right, go ahead, do it.
(loud pop)