The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 22 - Felix Remarries - full transcript

I had a terrific weekend, Daddy.

Me, too, sweetheart.

Kiss Uncle Oscar good-bye.

Nice seeing you, Edna.
Bye-bye, Uncle Oscar.

Don't you ever use a glass?

I like that good can taste.

Mmm, mm, mm.

(laughing)

Stop. You'll corrupt my child.

When's dinner? When's dinner?

Soon, soon.



Thanks again, Daddy.

You forgot your purse.

Oh.

And you forgot the most
important thing... your present.

Your opera album.

It's not every little girl

who gets the new
Beverly Sills opera album,

Arias But Goodies.

It's autographed,
so it's very valuable.

You take good care of this.

What are we gonna
do next weekend?

Anything you say, Daddy.

Yeah? Y-You want
to go to Radio City?

Oh, I did that last
Tuesday with Uncle Bill.



Uncle Bill?

You don't have an Uncle Bill.

Well, he's sort of an uncle.

What do you mean,
"sort of an uncle"?

No such thing as
sort of an uncle.

Either he's married
to your aunt, or...

or he's something else.

Well, I wasn't supposed
to say anything, but...

he's Mom's boyfriend.

Daddy!

The album!

It's only a record.

Go push the elevator button.

I'm gonna take you home.

Okay.

Hey!

You forget about dinner?

Cook your own dinner, buster!

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Hi, Mom!

Oh, hi, darling.

Felix!

Hello, Gloria.

I brought Edna home.

I see that.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, Leonard.

You need a haircut.

All right, children, I want
to talk to your mother.

Go to your rooms.

Go to your rooms!

Is something wrong, Felix?

All right.

Where is he?

Who?

Uncle Bill.

Who?

Bill. William.

What do you call
him, “Wild Willie”?

Now I understand.

I thought you might.

Where is he hiding?
In the closet?!

Under the beds?! He's not here.

That's a hot one.
Tell me another.

Felix, please don't
make a scene.

What's this?

Booties for Uncle Bill Jr.?

If you must know, we broke up.

Oh, really?

Just a fast fling in the
balcony at Radio City

and then onto the
next uncle, is that it?

We just broke up,
and I really don't think

it's any of your
business, Felix.

None of my business?

None of my business?!

You're making a mockery
of our entire divorce!

Oh, what am I saying? Felix.

Please. Now, calm down.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It just drives me insane

to think of you
with another man.

It always has,
and it always will.

I understand how you feel.

We should be together, Gloria.

Take me back.

Felix, we tried that ten times.

Eleven, including our marriage.

Let's make it an
even dozen, huh?

Felix, it's no use.

Why not?

I'll be good this
time. I promise.

You always promise and
you start out being good,

and then two days later,
you're back to criticizing

and Finicky Felix. What finicky?

Well, for instance, when
I get up in the morning,

I don't like to see
my clothes all laid out.

I mean, I'd like
to dress myself.

You're into women's
lib now, aren't you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not asking anymore, Gloria,

I'm begging.

Take me back.

I can't.

Gloria, if you
don't take me back,

I'll do something crazy.

That figures.

Take me back or I'll jump.

It's no use, Felix.

Take me back or I'll jump.

Then jump.

You didn't think I'd go
through with it, did you?

Boy.

I don't believe this.

Felix letting you
cook your own dinner.

Well, I'm a good cook, Murray.

(timer dings)

Help me, will you? Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, watch it.

Here it comes.

Ohh. Smell that aroma?

(inhales deeply)

Not so hard. You'll
inhale the crust!

You know, I got this recipe
out of The Racing Digest.

Horses love it, too, you know.

Okay, now, first
thing we gotta do...

I remember. Potato
chips gently crushed.

Gently crushed.

There we go.

Now, gently, see.

And now you put in
these sardines, see.

All right, in, everybody.

Jump in. Jump in.

There you go.

Pretty little things.

Sardines... Now, so
it'll make it look pretty,

you gotta put a
little green around it.

What do you think I've got?

Here. Dill pickles.

Make it look terrific, see.

Right around there like that.

Now, what do you
think I put in next?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter?

No, nutsy.

You put in... where is it?

I had it right... There it is.

We put whipped cream on it.

You know, that's
my favorite, Oscar.

Is it?

(sighs)

(door closes)

Hi, Felix.

Hello, Murray.

How are you?

I'm fine.

What's all that mess in there?

You told me I could
cook my own dinner.

I'm gonna clean it all up.

Doesn't matter.

Life is too short

to worry about a filthy kitchen.

Cook, eat anything you want.

I'm going to my room.

It doesn't matter?

He must be sick.

It's gotta be Gloria.

She hates me.

She hates me not.

She hates me.

She hates... (moans loudly)

(moans loudly)

What are you doing, buddy?

Waiting for the pigeons to
give me room on the ledge.

Filth.

Hey, you shouldn't
keep the window open.

The pollution count is so high,

they had to call the baseball
game today on account of soot.

Okay...

As man to nut,
what is it this time?

You haven't been out
on the ledge in two years.

Is it Gloria?

I went over to her house.

I ruined our relationship
all over again.

Why do you keep doing that?

I can't help myself.

I drive her crazy.

A marriage counselor kicked
me out of his office once.

He wrote on my chart, "Lunatic!"

Oh, I don't blame Gloria.

It's impossible to
be married to me.

It takes two to make
a rotten marriage.

Look, we all have
our faults, you know.

Faults?

We had a maid who came in
to clean up three times a week.

And on the other
days, Gloria cleaned.

And at night, when they
were both finished, I'd go in,

I'd clean the whole
place all over again.

I can't help it, I
like things clean.

Blame it on my mother.

I was toilet trained
at five months.

How can you remember
things like that?

At seven months, I
was training others.

I loused up the marriage.

Nothing was ever right.

Dumb, stupid idiot!

I belong on the ledge.

Pigeons, get off there!

(wings fluttering)

Oh!

Felix, look, don't you
know you can't change?

You can't compromise.

Why don't you
accept what you are...

The fussiest man
I've ever known.

Gloria called me
"Finicky Felix."

Finicky? I like that
better than “fussy.”

Help me. Help me, Oscar.

Help me to unfinick myself.

You wouldn't even try. I would.

I'd do anything,
No, you wouldn't.

Anything to get Gloria back.

You would try? Anything.

All right, you're very finicky
about food, right? Yes.

Come out and share
that dinner with me tonight.

I'd rather die.

Finicky Felix, Finicky Felix.

I'll do it, I'll
do it. I'll do it!

All right. I'll call you
when dinner's ready.

And you're going
to love this food.

I'm telling you.

Athletes train on it.

What athletes?

Oh, Whirlaway,
Citation, Man O' War.

They're horses.

Mmm.

Smells... powerful.

You're gonna love it, buddy.

You're gonna love it.

Paper plates.

Well, I figure you gotta
eat off something, you know.

Uh-huh.

Where is the salad?

Where is the appetizer?

Well, it's all in here.

What do you call that mélange?

Goop.

"Goop"? Yeah.

But I like what you
called it better... mélange.

From now on, I'm gonna
call it "goop mélange."

That's nice. Goop mélange?

Yeah.

Uh-huh. Well...

Dig in. You're
gonna like it, buddy.

Uh-huh.

Little plastic forks.

That's cute.

Mine has a crack.

The dishwasher broke it.

Uh-huh. Now, will
you stop stalling?

Will you eat, please?
Go ahead. You first.

I'm eating.

What do we wash
this down with? Beer.

Here's a beer. No glass?

Uh-uh.

Wouldn't want to miss
that good can taste.

Oh, Felix...

Outside of you, I'm
the best cook I know.

This is top-notch goop mélange.

Dig in. Dig in. Come on.

Well, up to the
teeth, over the gums,

look out stomach, here it comes.

What do you think?

Spies should have
this under their tongues

in case of capture.

No wonder. You're right!

What it needs is some ketchup.

There you go.

I forgot about that.

That's what was missing... red.

Do you always complain like this

about everything that Gloria...?

You're right. You're
right. You're right.

If I can eat this
without complaining,

I can eat anything Gloria
puts in front of me. Okay.

Now take a big, juicy mouthful.

Come on.

Attaboy.

Huh?

Now, give it a chance to settle.

It's terrific once
you get used to it.

You're gonna love it.

I knew he couldn't take it.

Ready for another bite.

Good boy.

Oscar, what a surprise!

Yeah, well, I want
to talk to you, Gloria.

What's that? Oh,
this? It's goop mélange.

Goop mélange? What..?

Well, it's evidence
is what it is.

For what?

I'm worried about
Felix. He's sick.

If Felix were sick,

he would've called
me 25 times today.

You're talking
about the old Felix.

Oh, there's a new Felix?

See, I made this last night.

Boy, it went bad fast.

That's the way it's
supposed to smell.

Everybody has the same reaction.

Halfway down here they
kicked me off the bus.

Then I grabbed a cab.

The driver made me
put this in the trunk.

It's supposed to smell that way.

The only thing bad with this

is it has everything
in it that Felix hates,

but, yet, Gloria, he
ate this last night.

Why?

Because he wants to get
over being finicky... for you.

You know what else he did?

He slept in my room last night.

I don't believe it.

Well, you should.

And I'm worried about him.

He's got a terrible cold.

Dr. Melnitz said that
in 25 years of practice,

it's the worst clogged
head he's ever seen.

And Felix is making those
sounds that's driving me...

(honking) I know those...

I know those sounds.

Yeah, and he swore he's gonna
sleep in my room every night

until he's convinced
you that he's changed.

Oscar, Felix will never change.

He didn't call you today even
though he was sick, did he?

See, he's trying and...

well, Gloria, what I think is

you gotta try a
little more, too.

I mean, I think you've
got to be patient with him.

I know I'm impatient
with him, but everybody is.

I mean, you're
impatient with him, too.

Yeah, but I'm not
in love with him.

Are you?

That's what you've
got to decide.

Why don't you at least
just go over and talk to him.

I'll take care of the kids here.

Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Smells great to me.

(shuttering moan)

"Please don't turn
off the heat lamp.

It keeps the rolls fresh."

(hums)

(clears throat)

Mmm... mm!

Mmm... mm!

(coughing softly)

Felix?

Oh, Gloria,

I didn't want you
to see me like this.

Oh, Felix, you
silly little thing you,

going and eating that
stuff, sleeping in this room.

Your system's too
delicate for that.

It would be worth it if you...
if you understood why I did it.

I'm trying to change.

I don't want to drive
you crazy anymore.

Felix, you just go about
things in such strange ways.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

That's one of the things
that I love the most about you.

I do do strange things, don't I?

At least, you're never boring.

I guess not everyone has
my flair for living, Gloria.

(sniffs, moans)

Yes, but sleeping
in Oscar's room...

And I'm going to do it
tonight and every night

until you're convinced
I'm changing.

Don't you think I can?

Don't you think I can
stop being Finicky Felix,

stop complaining and
criticizing everybody?

(sniffs)

What's that nice smell?

Hot rolls.

Well, you know, Felix,

I really do believe you
are serious about trying.

And maybe if you keep on trying,

well, maybe I can learn to
be a little bit more tolerant, too.

You know, I've been thinking,
I'm not that perfect, either.

You are to me.

You know, sometimes
I really miss you, Felix.

And the kids, well,
they... they miss you, too.

You don't have to
miss me anymore.

Will you take me back?

All right.

What?

I said yes.

Don't toy with me, Gloria.

I'm not toying.

Oh, Gloria... Oh, Gloria...

(snorts) Don't kiss me.

You'll catch my cold.

Oh, I love you, Gloria.

We'll get married this week.

Fine.

Now let's get out of this room.

First, I'd better
turn over the rolls.

The guests are ready.

I'm nearly ready.
I'm nearly ready.

You're taking longer to
get dressed than Gloria did.

Fix this for me, will you?

I guess you never thought
you'd live to see this day, huh?

I must say, I wasn't sure
you wanted to get married,

but I am sure now.

You know, you've been marvelous.

Little things that
used to bug you,

you handle now with
tact and patience.

Me? I'm so proud of you.

Really? Yeah.

I'm an amazing
man, you know that?

I know that.

I've really completely
changed my character.

I'm a different human
being. Yes, you are.

For instance,
there's a little thread

on your shoulder right there.

Formerly, I would
have had to take it off.

Now, it doesn't bother me.

That's good. Yeah.

I've overcome
things. I'm not finicky.

I owe it to you.

(quiet conversations)

Hello, everyone. Hello.

Bravo!

No, no bravos.

I'm not only your
groom, but I'm also host,

so if you'll excuse me, I have
to check on my hors d'oeuvres.

I'll be right with you.

Oscar... Wow, what
a beautiful dress.

Thank you, and
you look so elegant.

Yeah, like Felix, right?

Yeah. He's trying so hard.

He sure is. He's
being terrific, right?

I'm going to see if he
needs any help. Okay.

Hi, buddy, what are you doing?

I distinctly told you I
wanted cracked ice,

not ice cubes, didn't I?
Didn't I? Felix is back, okay.

I asked you to do three
things for me as my best man...

I asked you to crack the ice.

I asked you to lock
the door to your room.

My door doesn't have a lock.

I tried to jam it closed
but it sprang back.

So all the guests
think it's the cloakroom.

They've thrown
their coats in there.

They'll never find them now.

I'm sorry.

And, third, I asked you
to bring us a plumber.

Well, the plumber was here.

He said the trouble
is not in the sink.

The pipes are weak
all over the place.

Oh, isn't that cheerful news.

That's not going to bother you.

You're only going to
live here for another hour.

Will you stop with that?

The guests are asking
for you. They want to see...

And be nice, will you, please?

I'll be nice, I'll be
nice. Okay, let's go.

What is...? What's
the matter now?

You have to
advertise to everybody

that the suit is rented?

Don't make a big
deal out of it, will you?

Be nice.

Hello, dear.

EDNA: Hi, Dad. You look nice.

Ah, so do you.

Congratulations, Dad.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wh... What are you doing?

You're eating chocolate?

Want to spoil that perfect skin?

They've got shots
for that now, Dad.

Eat fruit. I have
fruit here for you.

Don't eat chocolate.
I don't like fruit, Dad.

Felix, is anything wrong?

Nothing. Your son's
eating chocolate.

It's going to ruin
his teeth, that's all.

That's okay... I told
him he could today.

You told him he
could. Good, good.

Have a piece. Here
come on, have one.

There you are.

Have another one.
Have another one.

You like that haircut?
Prince Valiant?

You think that's
nice, huh? Good.

(laughing)

Hey, Felix.

Murray, nice... Oh.

Murray, careful.
What are you doing?

Congratulations. I'm sorry.

Glad you're here, Murray.

Felix, how come Gloria
isn't wearing white?

Murray, Gloria is the
mother of two children.

Oh, I see.

I guess it's hard
to keep things white

with kids around.

Mingle, Murray, mingle.

Gloria? Excuse me.

Gloria. Yes?

What time did you ask
the violinist to arrive?

Oh, I didn't. I canceled him.

I got a pianist instead.

You canceled the violinist?

You don't mind, do you?

(loud bang)

Canceled the violinist!

I knew you were
going to crack, I knew it.

Pianist, every cliché
in the book! Who cares?

A pianist, chocolates,
what's the matter?

All right, you're right,
you're right, you're right.

Okay, now let's
get this thing going

before you start
criticizing Gloria's dress.

Have you ever seen
such taste in clothes?

Felix, as your best
friend and your best man,

may I tell you
something? Anything.

If you blow this, I'm
gonna break both your legs.

Well, he's finicky.

Let's go in the kitchen.

Here we go.

Felix, you stay here.

I'll let you know
when to come out.

Oh, Felix... OSCAR:
Quiet. Here we go.

Minister, sir, can we have you?

You'll play, Henry,
come on, let's go.

Everybody here.
Everybody where you belong.

Come on, kids. Move it out.

Attaboy, let's go. Here we go.

(piano playing "Bridal Chorus")

Okay, Felix.

Felix!

♪ ♪

(music stops)

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here together

in the sight of God
and before this company

to unite this couple,

or I should say
"reunite" this couple

in holy matrimony.
(water dripping)

MURRAY: It's raining.

(water pouring)

It's the pipes. It's the pipes.

Someone, get some towels.

It's going to ruin
the carpet, that's all.

I told you to get us a plumber.

I'm going to talk to
that superintendent!

Felix, will you stop? Felix!

What's more
important... A little water

or a wedding you've been
waiting for five years to...?

The wedding.

All right. What's a little mess?

We don't care, do we?

We're not going to let
it rain on our parade.

Hit it.

(piano playing "Bridal Chorus")

(music stops)

Go ahead.

But don't you think
with this... Go ahead.

But I... Go ahead!

Gloria, do-do you take this man

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

I do.

(water clanging in bucket)
Felix, do you take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

If anyone here knows any reason

why this couple should not be

brought together,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

May I have the ring, please?

The ring? Oh.

Would you hold this
a minute, please?

Thank you.

The ring.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

I'm free.

I'm free. I'm free!

Murray, I'm free!

I'm free! I'm a free person!

I'm free! I'm free!

Gloria, I'll be with
you in one moment.

Well, buddy, this is it.

I wish you a good
honeymoon and a great life.

Your dinner's in the oven.

Turn it off in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Oscar, what can I say?

Five years ago, you took me in,

a broken man on the
verge of mental collapse.

I leave here a
cured human being.

I owe it all to you.

It's all yours, buddy.

I salute you.

Felix, you know how
I'm gonna salute you?

I'm going to clean that up.

It has not been in vain.

I'm not going to clean that up.

I knew he wouldn't clean it up.