The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 2 - Big Mouth - full transcript

What's the matter?
Am I disturbing you?

Would you kindly
put the paper away?

You can dope out the
horses on your own time.

What's holding Mr. Cosell up?

Unger, Howard Cosell
is a very busy man.

My agency was willing

to do this commercial
at his convenience.

Now, he'll be ready
when he'll be ready.

Do you mind?

That's a fine way
to do a commercial.

Suppose I said I'll be
ready when I'll be ready?



We'd fire you.

You're not Howard Cosell.

I always thought photography

was supposed to be a
photographer's medium.

Now... now, look,
Unger, Howard's a star,

but he's also a
very intelligent man

with a great sense of humor,

so please, handle him carefully.

You know who you're talking to?

Felix Unger,
photographer to the stars.

I know how to
handle the biggies.

Hey, Felix.

Hey, working with
pretty girls, huh?

What are you doing here?



Please, do me a favor...
Lend me $50, will you?

I got a hot tip on a horse
running at Belmont today.

Here's $50, Oscar.
Get out of here.

"Here's $50, Oscar.
Get out of here"?

What happened to 20 minutes of,

"What did you do with
the money from last week?

What about the ant
and the grasshopper?"

You've got eyes, yes? Yeah.

You can see I'm busy? Yeah.

Please go. Listen, you
got anything smaller?

I got a cab waiting downstairs.

You took a cab to come
here to borrow money?

I was afraid I might miss you.

Good-bye, Oscar.

Okay, I'm going. I'm going.

All right, the big man is ready.

Let's get start...
Oscar Madison!

What a terrible surprise.

What are you doing here, Cosell?

Making money.
What are you doing?

Panhandling the
better neighborhoods?

That's very funny,
just like your clothes.

I like that.

Still jealous of the great ones,

eh, Madison? Great ones?

How much talent does it take
to sit behind a microphone,

feed straight lines
to Don Meredith?

Look who's talking.

The poster boy for the
Famous Writers School.

What do you know about writing?

Writing takes skill.

And don't you wish
you had some. Why...

You fellows know each other?

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

Did he ever tell you how we met?

The press box is right
next to the broadcast booth.

One day, I went over to
drop an empty cookie box

in the garbage bin.

Turned out to be his desk.

(guffawing)

And I remember where
you got those cookies!

You mugged a Girl Scout.

(laughing)

Is he bothering you, Mr. Cosell?

Never when I'm making money.

You remember money, Madison.

You borrow a lot of it.

Unger, get this
show on the road.

Right. Now, Mr. Cosell,

you're on the beach,
it's a hot summer day,

you're surrounded
by two beautiful girls.

But you're wearing a collar
and tie because you're cool.

You're cool because
you're drinking Spring Cola,

the cool drink.

You better give him a straw

or he'll swallow the whole can.

Quiet in the studio, please!

Girls, now, you'll
smile up at Mr. Cosell.

Yeah, like as if he was human.

Don't be jealous of me, Madison.

After all, someday somebody
will ask you to endorse something.

Like illiteracy.

Are you kidding?

The only reason you got this job

was because Meredith
and... and Gifford

wouldn't wear that stupid hat.

Unger, now he is bothering me!

Get this: Either he
leaves or I leave!

Leave!

Wait a minute.

I was willing to go at first,

but I'm not going to let
him bully me into going.

You heard me! Get out of here!

No! Listen, I'm
staying! Get out of here!

Howard, what do
you think of that?

That's all right with me,
Madison, 'cause I'm leaving.

I don't need this
from a bush leaguer!

(all yelling at once)

You're nothing
without Don Meredith!

You're wrong again!

You don't even know his name.

His name is Dandy Don!

Dandy Don. You hear
the kind of humor, girls?

The guy... the guy's
name is Don Meredith.

He says Dandy Don...

All right, so he started it,

he provoked you,
he instigated it.

Couldn't you walk away?

Couldn't you turn
the other cheek?

But you... you kept after
him until you ruined me!

Oscar, my career is just
getting ready to zoom!

Did you know
that, in high school,

I was voted "The Most
Likely to Succeed"?

Even the judge
said that my divorce

was the best one he'd
ever presided over!

How do you spell
"irreconcilable"?

I-double-R-E-C-O-N-C-
I-L-A-B-L-E.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oscar, I'm yelling at you!

Now, I demand that you go
back to Mr. Cosell and apologize!

I mean it, Oscar.

Don't wash your
hands. That's good work.

Okay, come on, what do you say?

No more kidding around, huh?

Come on. No more nonsense.

What do you say?
Going to go back?

Going to apologize
to Mr. Cosell, hmm?

Will you relax, Felix?

That's just what I've done.

Here. Read it.

What? Read it.

"An Open Apology
to Howard Cosell.

"Dear Howard..." Oh...

"I admit writing, in
the past, columns

"that fans have called
you, among other things,

"a babbling baboon,
Gentleman Jerk,

"the Mouth that Roared,
Kid Nausea, etc., etc.

"I must apologize.
That's not true, Howie.

"That's not what
the fans call you.

"That's what your...

"That's what your
friends call you.

What the fans think of you
cannot be printed in this..."

What... what are you doing?!

This is insane!

What...? Now, what
do you call this?

I call this Tuesday's column.

I'm going to burn that
bigmouth's ears off.

I'm going to show
you Tuesday's column.

There's Tuesday's column!

I got a carbon copy.

Felix, you're my best friend.

I don't want to hurt you.

You're making a mess?!

I know... I know
it's important to you,

but he tries to humiliate
me every chance he gets.

It's a personal thing.

Oh, sure, and my life

just comes under the
heading of "miscellaneous."

I'll try to make it up to
you some other way.

(doorbell buzzes)

Come in!

Hi, Mr. Unger.

You look relaxed.

Is the copy ready, Mr. Madison?

Yeah. Here's the copy.
Give me that! Give me...!

Oscar, I hate to threaten you!

Oscar, this hand is
registered at the police station!

Oh, all right. Here! All right?

Tuesday's column. Go!

Give me that, come
on. All right, go!

You know, it's cute
the way you two play.

It's nice to see you
again, Mr. Unger.

You seem happy.

"That's cute the
way you two play."

I wouldn't take it so hard.

Of course you wouldn't!

It's not your career.
It's my career.

What are you talking about?

Oh, never mind!

Never mind!

I'll find work.

Maybe I'll rent a pony

and take pictures
of kids in the park.

Kids have money these days.

I'll make five, six
bucks a day, easy.

Will you cut it out?

Maybe I'll go down
to the expressway,

photograph accidents.

If I'm lucky, I'll be in one.

Oh, get your jacket.

I'll take you out to dinner.

It'll cheer you up. Come on.

I already cooked dinner.

You did?!

Your favorite.

Lasagna and french fries?

Look in the icebox.

Ooh! Felix!

You made my favorite
dessert in the whole world...

Boston cream pie.

Did you ever know a
Monday when I didn't bake?

It's delicious.

Also, your shirts are ready.

(groans)

All right, I'll
apologize to Cosell!

You will? Yeah.

And you'll apologize nice?

Yeah, I'll be nice.

Don't eat with your fingers.

The Giants have the momentum,

and it looks as if they're
going to get on the scoreboard.

It's their ball, first and goal
to go, on the Eagles' six.

Attaboy, Giants!
Attaboy! Go! Go!

Did you see that play?
Did you see that play?

Did you do it?

How did you get
in the press box?

I said I was a friend of yours.

You shouldn't lie, Felix.

Did you do it?

Felix, can't you see we're
in the middle of a game?

Aw, didn't you apologize yet?

I told you I'll do
it. I'll do it later.

Oh, look at that!
Look at that play!

Fantastic! Look at him go!

I didn't see anything!
What happened?! What?

Read my column
tomorrow and you'll find out.

I probably missed the best
play of the season, Felix.

Come on, let's go apologize.

Why are you bothering me?

Do I bother you
when you're working?

Oh, they blocked
the extra point!

What? Who blocked? What?
What blocked? Who blocked?

Madison, why don't you
bring a radio to the game?

Will you get out of here?

There's a time-out on the field.

Now is the time to apologize.

Come on. I better do it.

I'll miss the whole second half.

COSELL: A truly remarkable play!

He scrambled,
spotted the receiver

at the final possible instant,

hit him with the touchdown pass.

And so the Giants lead
the Eagles six to nothing,

but it's still early
in the game.

We'll be back with the
Giants' kickoff in a minute.

Right now, let's
cut to our studios

for this message.

Cut!

Hi.

Nice to see you
again, Mr. Cosell.

Frick and Frack.

I didn't know we were
having a clown show

at halftime.

Look, Cosell, I didn't...

Mr. Cosell, Oscar has
something he wants to say to you.

Well, why don't we
do it a little later?

No, come on; come
on, now. Now's the time.

Well, listen, Howie,
you know, this morning...

well, uh... the
behavior... well...

You still speak beautifully.

I want to apologize about
my behavior this morning.

Okay? All right? You apologize?

You're making progress, Madison.

At least you've accepted
the fact that you are a buffoon.

All right, I give him nice,
he gives me buffoon.

Calm down.

Now, both of you men
are acting like children.

Now, come on.

Oscar apologized, Mr. Cosell.

Why don't you two
great guys shake hands?

Come on. Come on.

There we are!

Now, don't you both feel better?

Of course you do.

And, since we're all
friends again, Mr. Cosell,

I hope you'll come
back to my studio

and finish the Spring Cola ad.

Why not?

If you can make Madison humble,
you've earned a second chance.

Ahh! Didn't I tell you
he was a terrific guy?

Thanks, Mohammed.

The Eagles are lining up
to receive the Giants' kickoff.

We'll pause now for
station identification.

I hope your cold
gets better real soon.

What cold? I don't have a cold.

Ah! The old sinus trouble, huh?

OSCAR: Felix. Felix.

You know, I'm an expert on that.

Believe me, if you could

see the inside of your sinuses,

you'd be appalled.

Once, my voice was a
nasal twang just like yours.

That nasal twang is the
single most identifiable voice

in all broadcasting!

Right. And tomorrow,
when you come to my studio,

you'll use my inhalator.

I'm not coming, so
start inhaling without me.

You're not coming?

Mohammed, get this
inane drone out of the booth.

I'm on my way. Thank you.

But if you could hear
yourself say "inane drone,"

you'd clear your sinuses.

What's so funny?

Tell me.

I want to know. What's so funny?

You're beautiful.

You're just beautiful.

The look on his face when
you talked about his sinuses.

Oh...

that man was so vilely abusive!

What a temper.

Feet on the sofa is funny?

What did I do?

Man blows his biggest account,
he says, "What did I do?"

But it wasn't my fault, was it?

The man was
completely unreasonable.

Felix, it was your fault,

and he was perfectly
unreasonable.

Now, what you have to
do is go down, apologize,

and straighten it all out.

Oh, come on!

How can I go back there?

You saw, he... he threw
me out of that booth.

You observed how
rude that man was to me.

That's the way he
is with everyone.

He's in the rude hall of fame.

Felix, I'm telling you, you
got to go down, apologize,

and humble yourself.

Fat chance, buster!

I have my pride.

I had my pride; I went down
and humbled myself for you.

Ah! That's different.
Why is that different?

'Cause that was your
pride. This is my pride.

Then don't apologize.

Wah-ah! Don't apologize.

I need that job.

Then do apologize.

I... I can't. Well, you got
to make up your mind.

I know, that's why I thought...

maybe... you'd apologize for me.

You've got to be kidding! No.

I apologized once to
Cosell. That's plenty.

Now, no more. Mm,
yeah, but you ike it.

He apo... you accepted it.

You apologized... Yeah,
but then you ruined it

with your whole nasal routine.

But how can I go back to him?

You... you heard
what he called me.

He called me an inane drone.

What's an inane drone?

Well, it's a... dull bee.

You are an inane drone.

Oscar, I believe you
owe me an apology.

Are you kidding?

I would rather
apologize to Cosell!

You got it.

When that white
light flashes, Charley,

that's when I
have to start to talk.

And this is my monitor,

on which I see the
very same picture

that you fans get at home.

This is neat, Mr. Cosell.

I sure am glad I
won that contest.

Well, Charley, it's my pleasure.

The Scouts meant a lot to
me when I was a youngster,

and it makes me feel
good to see you this, ah...

happy.

My troop leader says

you do lots of nice
things for the Scouts.

Don't let that get
around, Charley.

It could spoil my whole image.

Do you really know all the
names and numbers of the players,

or do you use a scorecard?

I never use a
scorecard, Charley.

Just look down
at that empty field.

Imagine the Baltimore
Colts are down there.

The defensive unit
has taken the field.

Just sit back and
say, now, fans,

let me set that Colts
defensive unit for you.

78 is Bubba Smith,
81 is Billy Newsom,

76 is Freddie Miller,
85 is Roy Hilton,

56 is Ray May,
32 is Mike Curtis,

83 is Ted Hendricks,
20 is Jerry Logan,

21 is Rickie Volk,
44 is Rex Kern,

and 47 is Charlie Stukes.

Wow, Mr. Cosell.

That's fantastic!

You're absolutely right.

Oh, Howie, they told
me you were here.

Oh, I didn't know you were busy.

What is it, Madison?

I can come back later.

Hey, you're Oscar Madison,

the sportswriter, aren't you?

Yeah. I recognize you from
your picture in your column.

Do you?

Wow, wait'll I tell the guys

I met Howard Cosell
and Oscar Madison.

Make sure you tell them
in that order, Charley.

Just sit right there.

Look, this is only
going to take a second.

I want to talk to you
about Felix Unger.

You know, the photographer.

You mean he's given up his
ear, nose, and throat practice?

He means well.

Look, this account
is very important.

Now, let him take your picture.

I can't stand that
kind of aggravation.

The guy's an...

Inane drone. Inane drone.

I know, I know.
But do it for me.

No! For old time's sake.

Howie, do it... do
it for the Scouts.

Do it for the Scouts, who are
kind and cheerful and obedient.

Do it for the Scouts
who look up to you

as a kind, good, forgiving man.

You don't care
how low you stoop.

I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Howard.

I always said you were
one of my favorite people.

Mr. Madison. Yeah.

Boy Scouts are also truthful.

Oh, I got thrown out for lying.

(doorbell buzzes)

Yeah!

Hi.

Hi, Myrna. Just in time.

That's me. Dependable Myrna.

Column for tomorrow.

You already have a
column for tomorrow.

I do?

Yeah, your exclusive interview

with Yogi Berra's wife.

You know, "Catcher
in the Kitchen,"

or "Behind the Plates."

That's in today's column.

No, it isn't.

What's in today's column?

Your open apology
to Howard Cosell.

You're kidding!

Oh, don't get upset.

I took care of it.

Oh, dependable Myrna.

Nothing's too much for
you to handle, is it, dear?

Well, that's what I'm here for.

You spelled...
Forget the spelling!

I called the editor. I
told him to kill the story.

What happened? Well, he tried,

but I convinced him not to.

You?

You convinced him not to?

Why?

Because it was the best
column you ever wrote.

You know, Mr. Madison,
you're my favorite author.

What happened to Dr. Ruben?

Oh, you don't have to go out.

I got a copy. I'm not
going out for a paper.

I got to go to Felix's studio.

What do you want me to do?

Roll bandages.

There we are.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I don't like to be picky,

but I want everything
to be just so.

As long as I can get to the
Super Bowl by next January.

(chuckles)

Let's take some
of that shine off.

There, that's good.

Still got a little congestion
in there, haven't you?

Hi. Just happened to
be in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd drop by, see
how things were going.

All finished, heh?

They shot Gone With
the Wind in less time.

What's holding you up?

This is an art, Oscar.

Things take time. Excuse me.

May I talk to you
for just a minute?

All right, I'll finish off...
This is very important.

Oscar, things are going well.

Don't louse them up.

Will you let me talk to you?

I wasn't able to
kill the column.

It's in today's paper.

Myrna loved it,
so she printed it.

(nasal honking)

Will you cut it out?

He obviously hasn't seen it yet,

so take the pictures
fast. Right, right.

Use fast film.
Let's go, let's go!

Chop-chop! Come
on, let's go, now, now!

All of a sudden you're a dynamo?

That's the way I am.

When the moment comes,
I seize the inspiration.

Where's Phyllis?

She went out to get something.

She figured you weren't
even going to get to this today.

Fine, we'll start without her.

Here we are. That's fine.

Very good.

Here? Yeah, yeah.

With Madison in the ocean?

No, no. With you in the ocean.

Come on. Out of the ocean.

Here we go. Here we go.

Phyllis, where have you been?

I had to run down
and get the paper.

Get rid of the paper. We're going
to shoot Mr. Cosell's close-up.

Madison, you mean somebody
actually buys your paper?

No, you're not supposed
to be holding the paper.

You got to hold the cola.

Oh, I was reading your
article about Mr. Cosell.

But you're too pretty to read!

What article?

FELIX: Smile, Mr. Cosell.

"Babbling baboon."

"Gentleman Jerk."

"The mouth that roared."

FELIX: Big smile, Mr. Cosell.

"Kid Nausea"?!

"The Duke of Dribble."

"The Baron of Boredom."

You do the
commercial. I'm finished.

I think I got it.

HOWARD COSELL: Craig Morton
hands off to number 33, Duane Thomas.

Up the middle
behind good blocking.

The 30, the 35...
Down hard on the 37.

First down, Dallas.

There seems to be an
injury out there on the field.

I can't yet detect who it is.

While the trainers are going out

onto the playing field,

I'd like you fans to meet
my guest in the booth,

First Class Boy Scout
Charley De Marzo

of Mount Vernon, New York.

Welcome aboard, Charley.

Thanks, Mr. Cosell.

Charley, of course,
is the winner

of the "Why I Want to Be
Like Howard Cosell" contest

in a thousand words or more.

And a little later,
Charley's going to try

his hand at broadcasting
one of the plays.

Nervous, Charley?

A little.

Ah, you'll be just fine.

Right now there's a
time-out on the field.

We'll be right back.

Boy, Mr. Cosell.

This sure is exciting.

Well, I'm glad to see

that you're enjoying
it so much, Charley.

Seeing you this happy
makes me feel just great.

What's the matter, Mr. Cosell?

Listen, Howie, I want to
explain about the column.

He never meant to print it.

Never, absolutely.

This column? Yeah.

"Cosell: A Cacophony of
Cockamamie Clap-trap."

I'm sorry.

COSELL: You know, it
didn't bother me at all.

I got a lot of calls today.

Madison, you're going to
make me even more famous.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Are you trying to tell
me you're not mad?

You're not going
to try to get even?

No.

Stick around.

Back at Yankee
Stadium, live, fans.

And we've got a
special privilege

in store for you today.

In addition to having our young
Boy Scout friend in the booth,

we've got that eminent
photographer, Mr. Felix Unger,

and, of course, the
ever-popular sportswriter,

Mr. Oscar Madison.

Right now, we're ready
to resume the action.

Let's turn the microphone
over to Charley.

You ready? Yeah.

You're on.

Dallas has the ball,

first and ten at the
Giants's 37 yard line.

Hayes split to the
left, Garrison in motion.

Staubach takes the
snap from center,

fakes a hand-off to Hill.

He fades back to pass.

He fires down the sideline,

complete to Hayes,
and he's dumped hard

on the Giants' 49 yard line.

Charley, that was just terrific!

Now, a special treat
for all of you fans.

You are going to hear
one of the most popular

and best-known sports
reporters in all the world

describe the next play.

Madison, you're on the air.

There's nothing wrong with
your sets, ladies and gentlemen.

It's just Oscar
Madison telling the fans

all he knows about football.

And a good, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Oscar Madison speaking.

And Staubach takes
the snap from center,

he fakes a hand-off to
Duane Thomas elegantly,

and fades back to pass.

He's looking for a receiver.

He can't find one.
He's scrambling.

He's scrambling with
the dexterity of a lizard.

And now he elects
to run with it himself.

And he's stopped cold
at the line of scrimmage.

No gain on the play.

No gain, but a
lesson for us all.

And what is that lesson?

It is a lesson that is the
message of all sports:

Try, try again.

For all men, no matter what
their race, creed, or color,

no matter who they are,

coming from all our humanity,

is the love of fair play.

And speaking of fair play,

this is Oscar Madison
signing off and reminding you

that a quitter never wins
and a winner never quits.

And now, back to Howard Cosell.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'll recap the three
plays you just missed

right after this announcement.

How was I?

You were just great.

A little nasal...

More coffee, Mr. Cosell?

No, thank you, Unger.

How about some
more Boston cream pie?

No, it was stale,

but, uh, totally digestible.

You're not holding
a grudge, are you,

because I took over for Oscar?

No, that was a gallant
gesture for your friend.

You're really a noble drone.

And your effort served
as a flattering comparison

to illuminate my
own special talents.

Hmm...

You know, I wrote a lot
about you in that article.

Some of it was true,
some of it wasn't.

But one thing is true.

You're a great sportscaster,

and I'm going to write that
in my column tomorrow.

Well, that goes without saying.

But follow your own conscience.

And now, gentlemen,
I must take my leave.

Oh...

And so another long
day's journey into night

for the gifted one,

when he had to surmount
the mediocrities around him.

But at least on this occasion,

the exposure to the whole

American public of the
utter paucity of talent

of a given sportswriter
and a given photographer.

To paraphrase John Keats in
his final letter to Fanny Braun,

"Fare thee well, friends.

I could never gracefully bow."

Feigning a smile of hospitality,

the ungrate Unger
begins to clear the table

in the performance
of those menial tasks

which have been
his lot since the...

And with his usual aplomb,
Oscar Madison finishes off

the last of the
Boston cream pie.