The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Princess - full transcript

(Pachelbel's "Canon" playing)

That is perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

One little thing, if I may.

The hands crossed...
Yeah, that's nice.

That is just nice...
Regal but relaxed.

That is nice.
The hair, if I may.

Just a little bit off the face,

just because that's always

much nicer off the face.

Yes, that's nice, that is nice,



that is perfect,
that is absolutely...

I'm sorry.

Don't panic, there's
nothing to panic about.

I'm a little bit nervous.

I've... This is the first time
I've ever photographed royalty.

Oh, please,

I'm really a very
ordinary person.

Oh-ho-ho, Your Royal Highness

Princess Lydia of Lichtenburg,
an ordinary person! Hm!

You jest with a commoner.

(quiet chuckle)

This is an honor
I will never forget.

Isn't he charming? Such manners.

You could pass
yourself off as a duke.



(chuckles): Thank you.

(clicks heels) Thank
you, Miss Rykof.

You know, if this
photograph turns out well,

it could become a stamp.

A stamp! No!

As a matter of
fact, the gentleman

who photographed my
mother became a knight.

Sir Felix Unger...

Knight of Lichtenburg.

Well, perhaps I'd better
cleanse the royal lens.

There we are.

Now I think
everything is perfect.

And we will be... Just...

I'm terribly sorry.

I seem to have forgotten
to load the camera.

If you'll forgive
me, Your Highness,

I'll step into the darkroom
for just a moment.

RYKOF: Could I go with you?

I've never seen a real
photographer's darkroom.

Nothing much to see.

It's dark. (laughing)

Well, I don't mind the
dark if the company's good.

Let's go in and
see what develops.

(laughing)

A little Lichtenburg humor, huh?

Your Highness. Your Highness.

Felix, did you take
the laundry ticket?

I need my underwear.

Hi, honey. Where's Felix?

I beg your pardon? Felix.

Oh, Mr. Unger,
he's in the darkroom.

Oh.

Haven't I met you before?

It's not the first time you
worked for Felix, is it?

Hey!

Weren't you the girl on
the mouthwash commercial?

Didn't you gargle during
the World Series last year?

Bruno, see if Mr. Unger's
available, will you?

Yeah, Bruno, tell him I
need my laundry, will ya?

But, you know, Felix
is very good at his job,

but sometimes I think
he's off his rocker.

I mean, a pretty girl
like you comes in,

he ought to put you in
a bikini or something,

show off your great shape.

You know? I mean, a little
cheesecake. Cheesecake?

Yeah. Hey, now, wait a minute,
don't think I come on strong

like this with all
the models, I don't.

I like you. You got class, see.

You're not like
those other dogs.

He photographs animals?

The worst.

Listen, uh, I was thinking
maybe we could go

have a little dinner,
the Roller Derby,

you know what I mean?
Tonight? I don't think so.

Hey, how about ice hockey?

I'll get you an
autographed puck.

See, I know all the
players... I'm afraid not.

Why not? The way I'm dressed?

Oh, I was playing
ball in the park.

That's why I'm sweating like
a pig, see... but I'll shower.

Oscar... what are
you doing here?

Striking out.

What do you say? Oscar.

What?

This is Princess Lydia.

(gasps): Princess Lydia.

I'm sorry. I heard of you!

At the Silver Slipper, you
do the act with the pigeons!

How do you get
them... (nasal honking)

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

Would you step this way, please?

Would you leave?
We'll discuss this later.

What, do you got
first dibs on this chick?

Her subjects have first dibs on
Princess Lydia of Lichtenburg.

Oh, will you cut it out. Oscar!

This is her Royal Highness,

Princess Lydia of Lichtenburg!

This is Miss Rykof,
her secretary.

You're the secretary
of the princess?

This is Bruno, her chauffeur.

And you're the
chauffeur of the princess.

So you must be the princess.

Felix, I been trying
to pick up royalty.

Boy, am I a schm...
Oscar! I'm sorry!

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Come on, eat a little something.

Not another night
of sitting there

not touching your food. Oscar!

I made your favorite.

Lasagna and French fries.

I'm eating, I'm eating.

No, you're not.

There's nothing on your shirt.

What's that got to do with it?

Because when you eat you
always spill something on your shirt.

Now I'm eating.

Oh, look what he's doing!

(both talking)

Cut it out! You've made
such a pig of yourself.

All day long, all I
was thinking about

is how I offended the princess.

I made such a fool of myself.

"I'll get you an
autographed puck.

And I'll take you to
the Roller Derby."

I'd like to tear my tongue
out. You're exaggerating this

out of all sense of proportion.

Believe me, she
wasn't that upset.

She say something after I left? What
did she say? What? No, nothing, nothing.

Mm, she muttered
something about...

What? Dungeons.

It's nothing.

Would you cut it out?

Stop trying to cheer me up.

I don't even want to think
about how I embarrassed you,

my best friend.
Don't worry about it.

I'll get over it.

I'll even get over
losing my knighthood.

Knighthood? She was
gonna make you a knight?

Nothing definite. Oh, boy.

Neither was the stamp.

What stamp?

There was some talk
if they liked the picture

they were going to
put it on a stamp. Oh...

It's nothing, it's
nothing, believe me.

It's nothing, it's
nothing. Nothing?!

People all over Lichtenburg

would have been licking
the back of your picture.

Aw, Felix, break my
arm, put me on the rack,

stretch some sense
into me. Will you stop it!

You're making me blue,
and I'm a cheerful guy!

You're a cheerful
guy? (doorbell buzzes)

Why do I always act so
stupid in the presence of people

who are socially
higher than I am?

I got to get over that.

Oh, Bruno, am I glad to see you.

Will you go and tell the
princess how sorry I am.

Apologize, tell her I
haven't been able to eat,

and I haven't
been able to sleep.

Tell her how
terribly sorry I am.

I'll send her a little trinket!

He must have been double-parked.

Oscar.

Guess what? What?

I've been invited to a
royal tea by Princess Lydia.

Oh, Felix, then you
can apologize for me.

When you see her,
tell her how sorry I am.

I will not. Why not?

You'll do it yourself. But
I can't... I'm not invited.

It says I can bring a
date. You're my date.

(piano playing gentle music)

(doorbell buzzes)

Felix Unger, court photographer.

I'm so happy to see you!

I did so enjoy being in the
darkroom with you the other day.

Thank you, Miss Rykof.

Is my friend Mr. Madison here?

Well, I haven't seen him.

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

And her Royal
Highness, Princess Lydia?

Oh, well, she's
right over there.

Ah! Yes.

Excuse me. Mr. Unger,
how good of you to come.

Your Royal Highness,

wild horses could not
have kept me away.

(clicks heels)

You look enchanting.

Thank you.

(clicks heels)

Your dress is lovely.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

Isn't this a lovely day?

Yes, it is.

Uh, may I present, the
Marquis of Remington?

(clicking heels) How
do you do? Count Polski.

How do you do? The
Consul from Nigeria.

How do you do? His
Excellency, Carlos Venetti.

How do you do?
Lord Hollingsworth.

How do you do? The Right
Honorable Philip Parson.

How do you do? The Right
Reverend Monsignor Kontos.

How do you do? And the
Earl and Countess Stanhill.

(clicking heels)

(doorbell buzzes) (clicks heels)

I'm late.

Hey!

Oh, you're Mr. Unger's friend.

Oh, hi, Miss Rykof.

I want to see the
Prin... Oh, there she is.

Ah, Mr. Madison,
how nice to see you!

Isn't this a beautiful day?
How nice of you to come!

(quietly): Oscar.
What's the matter?

Oscar. What?

Your clothes. What about 'em?

I told you to wear
a morning coat.

I wear this coat every morning.

I thought you'd be proud of me.

I wore a tie and everything.

Surely you remember the
Princess Lydia. Yes. Hello, Princess.

Hello there, Mr. Madison.
How are you?

I trust your laundry
came out all right.

Oh, yeah, great.
I'm wearing it now.

Your... Your...

Your Highness. Your
Highness. Your Highness.

Your Royal Highness, actually,
but it couldn't matter less.

Mr. Madison, may I present
the Marquis of Remington.

How do you do? Count Polski.

How are you? The
Consul from Nigeria.

Brother. His Excellency,
Carlos Venetti.

(several talking at once)

The Right Honorable
Philip Parson.

How are you? And the Right
Reverend Monsignor Kontos.

Nice to see you, Father. And
the Earl and Countess Stanhill.

Earl. How are you? Countess.

Nice to see you.

Listen, I'll tell
you why I'm late.

See, there was an
accident... This truck hit

a wagon full of watermelons,
and they went all over the street.

See, and I helped
the guy pick them up.

That's why my hands are sticky.

A little warm water...

Can I see you for a moment,
please? Yes, of course.

Would you please
excuse me, Marquis,

Consul, Your Excellency...

Oh, you all know who you are.

(Felix clicks heels) Certainly.

I'm only gonna stay
a couple of minutes...

I came to apologize.

I'm awfully sorry for the way
I spoke to you the other day.

Your Highness,
I'm terribly sorry,

but I must see you for
just one moment, please.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, I'm the
Consul of Nigeria.

You mentioned something
about watermelons.

Oh, yes, there was
this accident, see,

and they went
all over the street.

Oh, yes, how sad.

About this watermelon,

is it a food of your, uh,
of your people, uh, yes?

Yes.

Interesting.

Oscar. What?

Hmm? What, hmm?
What's that, hmm?

Hmm? What, hmm?

Are you behaving? Are
you making me proud?

Oh, would you cut it out.

I'm going to apologize,
I'm going to split.

I won't embarrass you.

What's this?

It's a good thing I hate tea.

Why don't you order a beer?

Mr. Madison, I'm sorry
we were interrupted.

Oh, yes, hey, listen...

Do you mind, Felix? Do you mind?

Cut it out.

I wanted to apologize for the
way I behaved the other day.

See, it goes back
to when I was a kid.

When I looked at you,

I should have known
you were so sweet,

and so delicate, and
so divine, and... so busy.

That caviar?

Mm, come on...
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

I-I-I, it... it's sticky...
Warm water.

Ladies and gentlemen, everyone.

Signor Vargas, the cellist,

is ready to play
in the music room.

Ah, wonderful.

Won't you all come this way?

FELIX: Oh, what a dream.

Vargas, I'm very fond of him.

Maybe he'll play the Bocharini.

Oscar. Yeah.

Come on in.

Ah, the Bocharini, I got it on a
record at home. Come on. Come on.

I don't want to hear it. What
are you sitting that way for?

I always sit this way at a
tea party. What did you do?

Nothing. What did you do?

It was an accident. Oh, no, no.

No, oh, you disgraced yourself.

Look at that. That's
horrible. I know.

Sneak out. Get out now.

I haven't had a
chance to apologize.

I'll apologize for
you. Now get out.

No, she won't
know why I've gone.

Would you leave
now? No, I'm not going.

I'll go to the bathroom

and get a wet
towel or something.

Oh, Mr. Madison, aren't you
coming to hear the music?

Well, uh... You've got
a spot on your pants.

Yeah, well, clumsy...
the guy came in...

That happened to me at
the White House last week.

My tiara fell in the mayonnaise.

They use mayonnaise
at the White House?

On everything.

Here, let me fix it.

Oh, no, don't do that... not with
your new scarf. Oh, no, that's all right.

It's... it's, oh, it's old.

300 years.

Oh, please get up, please.

No, look, it's nearly gone.

Look, I only came
over to say I'm sorry.

Oh, you mean about
yesterday? Yeah.

But I enjoyed it.

You're a very funny man.

But I tried to pick you up.

Yeah.

Oh, Your Highness, arise.

Felix... We have to get this...

Go hear the Bocharini.

Please excuse me. The
Bocharini's waiting for you, go ahead.

I'm terribly sorry.

Oscar. Yeah?

Your country is watching.

(humming tune)

What happened?

Felix, you're going to
think I'm some kind of nut,

but I just had the
greatest evening of my life.

Hmm, what happened?

Nothing. That's
what was so fantastic.

We didn't do anything.

Just being with the
Princess, that was all.

Hmm, what did you do?

I took her to the
Statue of Liberty.

Wow, you're a spender.

Was she impressed?

Well, I know I was impressed.

It was the first
time I've seen it.

She went there last week
with the State Department.

She couldn't wait
to get back, huh?

Now, the State Department

didn't take her on the
Staten Island Ferry.

The State Department didn't
buy her a big, fat salty pretzel

with mustard on it.

You bought her a salty pretzel!

Oh, boy.

You can laugh if you
want, but she loved it.

Felix, I can't tell you
what an evening...

What did you do?!

Nothing.

We just talked to people,
people talked to us.

That's all we did...
Talk to strangers.

She knighted a wino.

I'm telling you, New York
never looked so great to me

as it did tonight.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Then we stopped at Manny's
delicatessen for a bite to eat.

The Princess and the Pastrami.

And, uh, you know what
happened when I took her home?

She had heartburn.

I kissed her good night.

Well, Bruno was
banging around the back,

so it was a little peck.

You pecked a princess.

Maybe she's kissing
every frog she meets...

Oh... I didn't mean
it, you know that.

Anyway, this frog is taking
her out Thursday night.

I'm taking her to that
formal dinner at the Regent.

The Regent? Yeah.

The dinner at the grand ball

for the grand
duchess of, uh... uh...

Yeah. whatchamacallit, yeah.

See, she needs an
escort, so she asked me.

How 'bout that?

Felix.

I think I'm falling in
love with a princess.

Oscar, it's 3:30 in the morning.

Look, am I ready to
be presented at court?

Yes. Night court.

You're impossible,
Os... Take me again.

Take me through the
receiving line, please, come on.

Oh, one more time.

All right, go out the
door. Try to get it right.

Who are you going to be?

Are you going to be
the Grand Duchess?

Be quiet out there.

It's 4:00 in the morning.
People are trying to sleep.

Knock on the door silently.

How do you knock
silently? Shh, just do it.

(knocking)

How do you do.

You don't shake
hands with the butler.

What's the matter with you,
Oscar? You're such a schm...

Well, I didn't know you
were playing the butler now.

All right, come on, come in.

Don't go out again. Come on.

So we go down
the receiving line.

The gentleman always goes first.

First you shake hands
with the Grand Duke.

I'll be the Grand Duke. Right.

And now you take the
Grand Duchess's hand.

I'm the Grand
Duchess... I kiss her hand.

No. I kiss her foot.

No. I lick her stamp.

No. What do I do? I don't know.

You bow over her
hand. That's all.

You don't say anything.

Nothing... unless
she speaks first.

All right, try it again.

Don't go out. Just come down.

All right, so you're walking
down, I'm the Grand Duke.

You shake hands
with the Grand Duke.

You take the Grand
Duchess's hand.

Oh, you're Mr. Madison,
the sportswriter, aren't you?

Yeah, Duchess.

How'd you know that?

You don't say, "Yeah, Duchess."

You talk classy.

You say, "Yes, Your
Royal Highness, I am."

All right, go again.

This is impossible.
Try one more time.

All right, you're
coming down the line.

I shake hands with
the Grand Duke.

He doesn't say much, does he?

All right, now, I'm
the Grand Duchess.

You take her hand, you bow.

Ah, you're
Mr. Madison, aren't you?

You forgot to ask me
if I'm a sportswriter.

So maybe she will,
maybe she won't.

She's... she's an
unpredictable duchess.

I don't want to talk to
a ding-a-ling duchess.

I just... you are... whatever
happens, just nod, say nothing.

You're uneducable.

You can't teach you anything.

You suffer from
invincible ignorance.

Well, you have no patience.

All right, never mind.
Let's start from scratch.

So now we're
coming in to dinner.

Now you're going to
show me how you sit down.

Well, I usually bend my
knees very, very slowly...

Wrong.

It's been working
for 30 years. No.

First you pull out
the chair for the lady.

All right. Then you sit down.

You like a nice full sleeve?

No. Narrow sleeve.

Narrow sleeve.

You like a narrow cuff?

No cuff at all. No cuff at all.

High rise or low rise?

High rise. High rise.

Look, look, gentlemen,
I'm a busy man.

Let's get on with
this. Sit down.

I want this suit
to be perfection.

This man is meeting royalty.

You think my goods never
touched royalty before?

Give me a king,
I'll give you a size.

Will you just do the
measurements, please?

FELIX: Now, I tell
you what I'd like.

I want it to be neat,

but not... not corny,
you know what I mean?

Styled, yes, but
not too far out.

You understand?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Well, we, we have
several choices.

We could, eh... we
could, eh, pull it forward,

or brush it back, or we could,
eh, fluff it up on the sides.

What do you recommend?

A hat?

Hi, Your Royal Highness.

I don't know. I'll ask him.

She wants to know if
you want to go to the ball.

She's got a date for you.

Oh, I'd love it.

Yes, yes. Good.

Who's the date? Uh, Miss Rykof.

N-N-No, I, I don't
think so, no really.

Oh, do it for me. Go ahead.

Yes, all right. Good.

Yes. It's all set.

Yes, he said he would.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

♪ ♪

(all laughing)

Oh, it's a...
(laughing hysterically)

There we are, there
we are, Miss Rykof.

Oh, Felix.

I just love you.

You're so charming,
and you're so skinny.

I can get my fingers
around his wrist.

(laughing)

Oh, let's play a game.

What would you like
to play, Miss Rykof?

Oh, what do American
boys and girls do

after the party's over, hmm?

(giggles)

Well...

generally the, uh...
the girls go to bed,

and, uh... the boys go home.

Oh.

And I think it's
getting a little bit late.

Let's not rush
off. No, no, let's...

Miss Rykof,

could I persuade you
to give me a royal tour?

Oh, I'd love to.

Come on, skinny.

Would you like to
see the Royal Seal?

Yes. Where is it?

In my room.

(laughs)

Oscar... (laughing)

Oh, Miss Rykof has
that marvelous capacity

to relax when the
day's work is done.

Oh.

Hey, you realize it's first time

we've ever been alone?

Won't you sit down, Oscar?

Oh, thank you, Your
Highness, thank...

Would you like a
drink? Oh, yes, I would.

You know, this whole evening
has been a revelation to me.

I mean, I thought
that you people... I...

all of these people were...
were different, but they're not.

No, not at all.

I don't want to brag, but, eh...

I thought I carried it off
pretty good, don't you think?

You were charming, Oscar.

A perfect escort.

Thank you very much.

Sit. Sit.

Oh, after you.

Beer?

Mr. Unger said it
was your favorite.

Ah, but he insisted
that I open it.

Thank you.

Hey, I had a great
time at that party.

I'm glad that duke didn't
mind when I stepped

on his wooden foot.

I'm glad he was a good sport.

He's also a terrific tap dancer.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To probably the greatest
evening of my life...

Here's mud in your eye.

And I hope to see
a lot more of you.

Oh, well, I'm afraid not.

We're leaving
tomorrow, you know.

You're leaving tomorrow?

Can't you hang around
for a couple more days?

Well, being a princess
makes it rather difficult

to hang around very much.

Although I would like to.

But you'll be coming back.

Oh, it's possible.

Well, it's also possible

I could be going to
Lichtenberg, right?

I mean, cover sports.

Hey, was your country
entered in the Olympics?

Yes, but, ah, we
only had one man.

What event was
he in? All of them.

How'd he do?

He died in the relays.

Really?

It's a local joke.

(both laugh)

I'm sorry, when you
live in a small country,

you have to have
a sense of humor.

Well, since...

since you're going away, uh...

You know, I, I won't
see you for a while.

I...

Well, this is going
to be hard to...

I was wondering
if there's any...

well, you and I are...

if, if there was any chance
that we could be, uh...

Friends?

Well, a lot more than friends.

Well, I was wondering if, if...

you and I... together, uh,

I don't know how
to say it... Oscar...

are you proposing to me?

Yes, I am.

Thank you, Oscar.

But, uh... I'm afraid
marriage is a...

very complicated
thing for me, uh...

You know, diplomacy
and things like that.

Do you know I've been
engaged for 15 years?

To a prince

in Iran. Do you love him?

I've never met him.

He's, um... sort
of a trade pact.

What kind of trade pact?

Well, we get oil
and they get me.

Well, they sure got
the best of that deal.

Oh, Oscar.

I'll remember this evening

for the rest of my life.

You will?

I sure know I will.

Hey, you better be careful.

You're liable to
turn me into a prince.

(giggles)

I'll do better than that. What?

What are you doing? What's that?

I dub thee Sir Oscar Madison,

Knight of the nice guys.

You're kidding.

I'm afraid I am.

My quota for knights
has run out this year.

The wino was the last one.

MISS RYKOF: Oh, come on, skinny.

(Rykof laughs)

Will you tell Felix that
I'm ready to leave?

Yes, I will.

Okay.

Bye, Oscar.

Bye.

Did you have a good time?

All right, so I owe you one.

Remember what the
poet Tennyson said.

"It is better to
have loved and lost

than never to
have loved at all."

All right, Oscar... you lost.

But also... you
gained something.

You gained... a
beautiful, new experience.

You gained... a new polish.

A... a panache.

You learned to live on a...

on a somewhat higher level.

You now have a new awareness...

of style, of grace, of elegance.

I salute... the new Oscar.

Thank you, Felix.