The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 1 - Gloria, Hallelujah - full transcript

Mr. Madison!

It's me, Myrna.

Your secretary.

I let myself in like you said.

Mr. Madison?

(metallic rattling)

Ah! Ah!

You scared me.

This room scares me.

I must have dozed off.

You know, you ought
to get an ecology award



for recycling all the
garbage into your room.

A secretary who can only
type seven words a minute

shouldn't be fresh.

I'm sorry.

Got a bad headache?

No, I got a good headache.

There's your mail. Oh. Yeah.

Here's tomorrow's column.

Get it in right away, will you?

Wait a minute. Come here.

Something wrong
about the way you look.

What?

You look good.

Thank you.



It really does show, doesn't it?

I'm so happy. I... Why
is your mirror up there?

That's where the nail is.

May I?

Yeah, sure, go ahead. Here.

I do look good, don't I?

Mr. Madison, my
ship finally came in.

I met the greatest
guy, a stockbroker.

And I think it looks serious.

Yeah? Where'd you meet him?

Well, I got up the nerve to join

one of those computer
dating agencies, Executron.

They only handle executives

and girls with a
college education.

I'm the latter.

You've heard of them...

You know, "Executron, where
the wealthy meet the healthy."

Yeah, I saw their
ad in the paper.

There's a man and
a woman walking up

the steps to a bank. Right?

It's really terrific.

In fact, uh, you ought to

sign up with them.

What, are you kidding?

I don't need a
computer dating service!

I got a terrific social life!

Mr. Madison, I'm the
last to talk out of turn,

but I am your secretary,

and I know all
about your social life.

What about it?

You're not hot.

I date a lot!

You stay home a lot more.

Well, I mean, what, uh,
everybody hits a slump

once in a while, don't they?

What's that?

Tonic.

Do you always take
tonic with a shoehorn?

I couldn't find a spoon,

but I clean it, I clean it.

What do you put your
shoes on with? A fork?

(chuckling)

Well, here's their card
in case you're interested.

How much did this
set you back? $200.

$200. That's a lot of money.

Mr. Madison, you can't
put a price on loneliness.

Think about it. I'll
see you Monday.

Okay, hon.

Executron. Uh,
what does she know?

She knows I'm not hot,
that's what she knows.

On November 13, Felix Unger

was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

I'm home, Felix!

Good. Did you wipe your feet?

Yeah.

Good. I just shampooed the rug.

What are you making?

Little melon balls. Good.

No! Not with your
fingers! Come on.

Why don't you make one big one?

'Cause if I made one that size,

that's the size you'd
put in your mouth.

Go wash your hands.

He's gonna wash his
hands in the kitchen sink.

Any mail for me?

Nah, nothing.

Just an ad to remove unwanted
hair, and a wrong address.

Where's the wrong address?

Over there. A Mr. Andre LaPlume.

Did you ever?

Don't do that!

That's a federal offense!

Give me that.
You'll get in trouble!

No federal offense,
It's my letter.

What... you've
changed your name?

Oscar. You've sent away for
dirty books under another name.

Will you cut it out?

I'm Andre LaPlume.

It's my pen name.

Pen name? LaPlume?

How did you ever think of that?

What do you need a pen name for?

Well, if you must... What?

None of your business.

Don't tell me.

Makes me no never mind.

If it's none of my bee's wax,

it's none of my bee's wax.

Come on, what?

Tell me. Please.

All right. Well, I... I
signed up with a...

What? Come on.

Computer dating outfit.

Computer dating? You? Yeah.

The last of the lukewarm lovers.

I had to tell him.

Oh, Mr. LaPlume! All right.

I'd be ashamed.

I am. Why do you think I
didn't use my real name?

Aw, come on! Andre!
Andre... aw, aw, please.

Aw, come on, Felix.
I'm dying to know.

How'd you get mixed
up with computer dating?

Well, let's face
it, Felix. I'm lonely.

I'm lonely and I'm tired,

and I'm tired of all those
empty conversations

about sex and astrology.

I want a meaningful relation...

All right, laugh. Go ahead.
You want to laugh, laugh.

But I'm tired of going
every night to my lonely bed.

Lonely bed. Everything
you've ever owned is in there.

Boy, I tell you, I thought
if there was one person

in this world who
would have understood,

it would have been you,
but was I wrong, boy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look.

I'll stab myself with a carrot.

No. Look. No. You're
absolutely right.

Believe me. Computer
dating is a legitimate,

time-tested way to bring

perfectly suited
people together.

And you really think
I did the right thing?

Did you do the right thing?

What have you had until now?

Chance meetings in hallways
with door-to-door fund-raisers.

Brief encounters with
airline stewardesses

who just wanted to sit
down and rest their feet.

That's not for you.

You deserve something better.

You want something that will
blossom into a relationship...

between two people...

whose fate has been charted
not only by the stars above...

but by the computers below.

Compare the transience of beer

with the enduring
bouquet of fine wine.

And you ask me, did
you do the right thing?

I don't know. Did I?

It's been such a long
time since I asked.

Cheers.

Hey, where were you?

I had a date with Miriam.

Upstairs Miriam?

Yeah. Lovely person.

How come I haven't met her?

I'm preparing her.

She's very delicate.

Where'd you take her?

Didn't take her anywhere.

We never left the building.

We stayed in and watched
an educational show on TV.

Oh, that's thrilling.

No, it was very, very exciting.

It was all about the habits of
the Central American raccoon.

No kidding. It's
called the coatimundi,

and it has an almost
prehensile nose.

The coatimundi eats
nothing but dead worms,

and its diet is
better than yours.

What are you doing?

I'm filling out my
form, you know.

The personality profile. For
the computer match-up. Yeah.

I never knew that.

What? You like square dancing?

You see? There's a lot
about me you don't know.

♪ Grab your partner,
throw her 'round ♪

♪ Kick her in the elbow... ♪

Hey, hey. You're
making dust! Don't!

I was stationed in Montana.

Favorite food... garbage.

Crêpe suzette.

Felix, leave me alone, will you?

I gotta get this in
the mail by tomorrow

if I want to match
up this Saturday.

What is this? What? What? What?

Overall appearance:
above average?

Yeah.

What's your definition of
average? The Wolf Man?

The paper puts my picture

at the top of my
column every day.

Would they do that if I
was just average looking?

The paper also prints
Mutt and Jeff every day,

and they're not
above average, either.

And Mutt's a better
dresser than you are.

Let me give it to you straight.

If I put down "average," I
get an average-looking girl,

and that's not
what I'm looking for.

You've got to fill this out
with absolute accuracy

so they match you up
with the right person.

What do you mean, accuracy?

It's not a science,
it's a matter of opinion.

Who's to say what's above
average, what's average?

If there's one man in this world
who's average looking, it's you.

You're very nice-looking,
but you're average.

Is that right? Yes!

What would you put down
for yourself on that question?

Oh, well... No, I
want to know. No!

It's a very import... You
say that I'm average.

What are you?

Well above average.

You're well above me, huh?

Yes. Were you almost
voted "Cutest Boy"

in your high school yearbook?

What do you mean, "almost"?

Well, I would have been, but
you couldn't have two awards,

and I already had the
Home Economics Medal.

But let's face it.

I've always been
a very cute person.

Well, they don't have any...
any category down here,

"Cutest, Very Cute."

All they have is
"Excellent, Above Average,

Average, Below Average," and
"We're returning your deposit."

You're... you're
defeating the very purpose

of computer date-ups. You...

I'm above average!
Above average!

And I'm leaving it in!

Pain in the neck!

Come in and spoil everything.

"Do you believe
in premarital sex?"

You checked "Yes,"
"No," and "Sometimes."

You checked all
three... Why is that?

I'm allowed my moods.

I'm just trying to be honest.

Then why aren't you honest
about your averageness?

Again with the...
Will you go to bed?

Let me finish this, please. Oh!

Centuries of science
have brought us

to the computer age, and...

You're expecting locusts?

Oscar, you're going to foul up
the entire computer mechanism

if you're lying on
your application.

I am not lying! I'm trying
to tell the absolute truth.

Favorite sport... Yacht racing.

Check our coats, please.

On hangers if
you will. No hooks.

We have no hooks, monsieur.

Don't be self-conscious.

You're doing the right thing.

You are, you are. Believe me.

You nervous? No.

Then why are you
drinking that man's drink?

I'm sorry.

He's got a computer blind date.

Felix!

Where's Miriam?

She'll be here.
She's joining us.

So tell me, what's
your date's name?

Uh... Sarah. Sarah Morgan.

That's very good.

What? I like, well,
Sarah... biblical.

Morgan, money... J.P. Morgan.

Gives me very good vibrations.

Your Sarah Morgan's going
to be a knockout. I know.

Hey, maybe you're
right. Wow! Look at that.

This is Miriam.

Hello, funny-face. Hi, Felix.

Miriam, this is Oscar.

Hi. Good to see
you. How are you?

We're waiting for
his date, so sit down.

That's right. It's someone
you've never met before.

How exciting. Yeah,
frightening, too.

MÂITRE 'D: Paging Andre LaPlume.

Paging Andre LaPlume.

Andre LaPlume?

Oscar. What?

Paging... Andre LaPlume.

Oh... oh, here, Yes, sir.

I've seated Miss
Morgan at your table.

Well... this is it.

Courage, LaPlume.

Go ahead. I have a feeling

you're gonna have
a wonderful surprise.

We'll join you in a
minute. Go ahead.

You're right. What a surprise!

What does she look like?

She looks like your ex-wife.

She looks like Gloria?

Yeah... (shrieks)

Gloria!

Oh, Felix.

She's his ex-wife.

Miriam, this is Gloria Unger.

My wife... my... my ex-wife.

Gloria, this is Miriam Welby.

Hi. I've heard a lot about you.

All nice. All nice.

Huh.

Well... (uneasy chuckle)

Well.

Hmm.

I like your dress.

I bought that dress.

You know...

I-If you don't mind,

I think I'd like to go
to the ladies' room.

Of course. Slide out.

Slide out.

You'd better slide this way.

I'll come with you.

Hey, that's not a bad
idea; I think maybe I'll...

Wait, wait.

Okay.

Slide in here.

You slide in, I'm
wearing out my pants.

How could you?

What do you mean: how could I?

I was expecting a Sarah
Morgan Sarah Morgan,

not a Gloria Sarah Morgan.

(groaning)

What's the matter?

Hypoglycemia.

Whenever I'm upset, my
blood sugar gets very low.

This is all your fault...

The way you lied
on your application.

Yacht racing, for pity's sake.

Aw, how did I know this
was going to happen?

You put down that you're
above average in appearance,

so they matched
you up with Gloria

because she's suited to
someone above average

like me.

That's why you're divorced. Oh,

what's that got to do with it?

What am I going to do?

Well, we can stay
and have dinner

or we can split,
whatever we want...

Tell me, tell me,
what should I do?

You should remain calm
is what you should do.

Here they come.

Slide out.

Hi, kids.

How did it go?

Slide in, slide in.

She means absolutely
nothing to me. Slide in.

She lives in our building.

I've done my
laundry with her twice.

That's absolutely
it. Felix, honestly.

I want you to date.

You do?

It's a perfectly
healthy, normal thing.

Well, here we are.

We're all healthful, normy.

We're what?

We're mature, we're
adults with above average

senses of humor
if I'm not mistaken.

So, uh... let's, let's
have fun, shall we?

That's a good idea;
we'll have a party.

What are we gonna
do? Look, look.

This is just a double
date, it's a double date.

I'm with Miriam.

Gloria, you're with
Oscar over there, so...

the party's on me.

Excellent, monsieur.

Would you care for
some drinks before dinner?

Oh, yeah. Girls,
what would you like?

I'd like a Scotch. Scotch.

And I'd love a martini.

Scotch and a
marti... Ah, ah, no.

I-I think you'd better
have a dry vermouth.

Oh, it's not a vermouth
kind of evening.

I think I know what
Gloria ought to have.

Felix, please
don't order for me.

You know I never liked that.

Yeah, let her have
what she wants, will you?

That's one Scotch
and one martini.

Gloria will have a dry
vermouth on the rocks.

I'll have a martini.

She'll have a martini.

Uh, that's a vermouth
and two martinis.

Et vous, Monsieur LaPlume?

What should I have, Felix?

Anything you want.

Have a martini.

Merci.

Felix, I happen to be
Oscar's date tonight.

Oh, come on.

That's, that's just because
of a computer error.

The whole thing is so silly.

Did you ever?

I think they're a cute couple.

You do?

Yeah. She does. Thank you.

Well, let me ask you this.

Do you think Oscar's
above average?

Above average what?

Above average in appearance.

Yes, yes, I do.

Oh, thank you, Miriam. Oh,

would you stand up, please?

Will you cut that out?

He's not above average!

Don't scream at Miriam.

I happen to think he's
above average, too.

Thank you.

Felix, you don't
need to pick on me

just because you're jealous...

(scoffs) of Oscar and Gloria.

Why should I be jealous
of Andre LaPlume?

That's enough, Felix!

I want to go home.

I want to go home, too.

I want to go home.

Well, you coming or what?

Okay, pout.

Monsieur LaPlume...

The party's on the pouter.

Monsieur, your party
is not staying for dinner?

Eh, Jean!

Vite, vite.

Enleve l'argeuterie.

I'm sorry, Monsieur.

I need the table
for a larger party.

Vite, vite.

Eh, Jean.

Monsieur, your martini.

Bon appétit.

Oscar, are you awake?

No.

Oscar, I'm sorry.

You didn't hear "no"?

Oscar, please.

I've been walking
the streets for hours.

I've been thinking, Oscar.

About what?

Listen to me, Oscar.

We're going to
have a fireside chat?

About tonight.

Did Gloria resent
my dating Miriam?

No, she did not.

She was able to rise
above petty jealousy.

But was I?

No.

Oscar, if I'm any
kind of man at all,

I've got to come to you
with my head held high

and say, "Go ahead,
Oscar, go with my blessing."

Go ahead and what?

I want you to date Gloria again.

What?!

Why not?

It's because of me, the
date didn't work out tonight.

But if I were up
there somewhere...

(quavering): poor,
dear, departed Felix,

struck down in my prime by
who knows what terrible reason...

Try for waking up Oscar.

Never mind.

If I was up there,
you'd be dating Gloria.

You'd be discovering
for yourself

what a glorious woman she is.

Give it a try, will you?

For me, if not for yourself,

so I don't go through the
rest of my life hating myself.

I'll do it on one
condition. Name it.

You let me go through
my life hating you.

Thanks, Oscar, thanks.

On your way, huh, buddy?

Taking Gloria to
the ballet, huh?

Have fun.

You really want me to go?

What does that
mean with the eyes?

I want you to go.

Hi, Felix.

Hi, Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

How you feeling, Oscar?

He feels great.

OSCAR: What am I smiling about?

Well, I saw everybody smiling.

Come on in.

Hey, Oscar was dressed to kill.

Where's he going?

He's got a date.

(chuckling): That's why
he was smiling, huh?

Another pushover.

Come on, let's get to work.

What song are you
doing in the police show?

Uh... "Poor Little Buttercup."

Who chose that for you?

My captain.

He must hate
Gilbert and Sullivan.

How'd you like the ballet?

Oh, that's terrific,
really terrific.

I just love "Swan Lake."

That's my favorite, my
fa... Especially, you know,

where the ducks put their
heads through the froufrous.

(sighs)

I wonder how the New
York Rangers did tonight.

Well, that's hard to say

since the season
ended a few weeks ago.

Oh.

(chuckles)

(clears throat)

You got hypoglycemia, too?

Felix gave it to me.

Oscar.

I give up if you give up.

And I give up. Who
are we kidding?

Gloria, look at us.

We've known each
other for ten years.

We've always been able to talk.

Now we can't because
we're on a date?

That's all wrong.

And it's all because
Felix is trying

to prove he's not jealous.

He's constantly trying to prove

he's a superior human being.

I know, above average,
almost the cutest, I know.

Let's go home.

What good will that do?

Don't you understand?

He's going to make us go out
on date after date after date,

and there's no way to stop him.

(sighs)

Unless we give
him a reason for it.

Sarah.

Andre.

And...

BOTH: ♪ My name,
it is Buttercup ♪

♪ Poor little Buttercup ♪

♪ Though I could
never tell why ♪

♪ But still I'm
called Buttercup ♪

♪ Dear little Buttercup ♪

♪ Sweet little Buttercup, I. ♪

That's very good.

Felix, I'm not going to do it.

The other guys may laugh.

No, they'll respect you for it.

I can't wait until I
see your costume.

Hey, Felix, Murray.

(stammering)

Hi, Gloria.

Well, what are you doing here?

I brought her home.
What do you think?

GLORIA: Oh, I just wanted
to see the apartment.

Hi, Murray. H-Hi, Gloria.

You've seen the apartment
a thousand times, it's, uh...

Felix, I know you're
from another planet,

but here in North America,
you take a girl out on a date,

you bring her home for a drink.

(cackles) May I have your wrap?

Oscar is dating Gloria?

Yes, does that surprise you?

Felix, I am trained

not to be surprised.

(whistles)

♪ Just call me Buttercup. ♪

You want to sit down?

Oh, fine.

Excuse us, will you, Felix?

Excuse us. Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, how was the evening?

Don't you have a book you're
dying to finish or something?

A book you're dying to finish,
you want to forgo already.

Uh-huh.

(chuckles)

Well...

Listen, uh...

this, this is your
apartment, so, uh...

every bit as much as
mine, more so in fact.

Technically, I'm still a guest
here, so whatever you, uh...

Gloria, you're a free agent.

Whatever you want.

I'll be in my room.

Don't, don't worry about me.

Now, I just wanted you to know

I'm, I'm not going
to make an excuse

for I want coffee or come
back or anything like that.

You're, you're
absolutely on your own,

so... you're safe.

It didn't work.

Question of time. You want
to play some gin rummy?

Yeah, I'd love to.

(humming)

FELIX: ♪ Smile though
your heart is breaking ♪

♪ Smile... ♪

He sounds happy.

False bravado.

(grunting and groaning)

Now we're rolling.

Hey, does he still bang
his head up against the wall

when he's upset?

(banging)

♪ Smile though
your heart is... ♪

(grunts and groans): ♪ Aching ♪

♪ Smile though your... ♪

(grunts and groans, banging)

♪ Smile... ♪
(grunts and groans)

Stop!

What kind of people are you?

My best friend and my wife

playing gin rummy.

(whistling quietly)

I'm sorry, Felix.

It was for your own good.

Good night.

I'll take you home.

No, I'll have the
doorman get me a cab.

Good night. Good night, Oscar.

Thanks for a nice evening.

You, too. Bye-bye.

It only proves you're
a normal human being

and you get jealous
like the rest of us.

Good night, buddy.

Oscar...

you're well above average.

What are you so tense about?

Executron wouldn't
give me my money back.

They said I had to fill
out another application

and try again.

Well, so you'll try again.

You get another shot at it.

At least this time you know

you're not going to get Gloria.

She's not Sarah Morgan anymore,

and you're not using a silly
name like Andre LaPlume.

Paging Monsieur
Willard Eisenhower.

Here, that's me.

I thought you were
Andre... What is it?

There's a Miss Lena
Molinaro waiting.

Oh, bring her here, will you?

Lena Molinaro?

Sounds... Like
South America, huh?

You're Lena Molinaro?

You're Willard Eisenhower?

What happened
to the stockbroker?

He was married.

Slide in, slide in.

♪ ♪