The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 23 - Psychic, Shmychic - full transcript

Operator, would you get
me the Boston area code?

Yeah.

What kind of lemon is this?

Did you get the area code yet?

Boston is unlisted?

Oh, it's on a different list.

All right, I'll hold.

Hi, Felix.

(moans)

617.

Okay, give me 617-226-524...



Oh... Not oh.

5243.

If he's not there, call the
Boston Gazette, will ya?

He's a sportswriter.

His name is Tony...

Oh... Riley.

No, not Tony O'Riley.

Tony Riley.

Will you moan
someplace else, Felix?

You getting her all mixed up.

What's the matter, you sick?

I don't know, I just, uh...

What?

Oh, I just, I feel
so disoriented.



There's a lot of
that going around.

Yeah.

Tony! Oscar Madison.

Yeah, I'm calling
you for two reasons.

First I want to know if you're
coming to the awards dinner.

Good.

Second, I want to
congratulate you

because I know you're gonna win

Sportswriter of the Year award.

Why? I know, that's all.

I'll see you there. Bye.

What are you
congratulating him for?

You're going to win
Sportswriter of the Year award.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

What?

I wonder if I have
a low-grade fever.

You've got a
high-grade delusion.

The only award I ever
won was a letter in college,

"S" for slob.

You're gonna win another one.

Mark my words.

Thank you, Criswell Predicts.

(telephone rings)

Answer the phone.
You'll see, you won.

(ringing)

Hello?

Yes, Oscar Madison here.

What?

(moans)

Thank you.

Felix. Hmm?

That was the award
committee. Mm.

They voted me
Sportswriter of the Year.

Hmm.

I don't want to hear
"hmm." How did you know?

Just what I thought.

99.

Be sure you wash
that off in alcohol.

(glass, ice clinking)

How did he know?

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

How you feeling now, buddy?

Oh, a little better, thanks.

It's like living
with a crop duster.

You know, a boll weevil

doesn't stand a chance
in this apartment.

Neither does a germ.

Good.

I can't get over the way
you knew about the award.

I mean, you have to be psychic,

it's the only explanation.

Not psychic, sensible.

Anybody would know that you
were long overdue for that award.

Say, say gesundheit. Why?

Because I'm going to sneeze.

(sneezes) Gesundheit.

(telephone rings) Oh.

Oh, I'm feeling
funny again. I just...

Hello.

Oh, hi, Chief.

(moans)

Hey, thanks a lot!

Tell him it's not enough,
you want a bigger bonus.

It's not enough, I
want a bigger bonus.

Oh...

I'll talk to you later about it.

How did you know, Felix,

that my boss was
gonna offer me a bonus?

It just makes sense.

You've won an important award.

You deserve a bonus.

Yeah, I guess it's logical.

(doorbell buzzes) You
knew about the award.

You knew about the bonus.

Answer the door.

You know Murray gets
jittery out in that dark hall.

Let him jitter, it's the
only exercise he gets.

Oh, I feel so...

Hi, Murray. Oscar.

Congratulations.

How did you know?

I got it from an informer.

Hi, Felix. Wait a minute.

How did you know
Murray was at that door?

I heard his footsteps
out in the hall.

You know, he
could be a detective.

If you could be a cop,
he could be a detective.

You're a witch, Felix.

MURRAY: Felix, you're just like

my Aunt Goldie from Teaneck.

Is she a witch, too?

No, she was a manicurist,
but she had ESP.

Murray, that's it. You hit it.

You hear that?
That's what you've got.

You know that,
buddy? You got ESP.

ESP, witches... Rubbish. Yeah.

It's simple deductive reasoning.

Excuse me while I get
the champagne glasses.

You know, Aunt Goldie
would get hot flashes

every time she had a fever.

You hear that?
Did you hear that?

You've had a fever,
you've had hot flashes.

What did your
Aunt Goldie predict?

Well, she predicted some day
there'd be men on the moon.

Break out the champagne.

It's time for a toast.

Okay, Felix.

I hope I've chosen wisely.

It's very hard to get
good champagne

for under three dollars.

"Chateau Warsaw."

Aw, well, '72 is a good year.

It's domestic.

I know it's domestic.

It didn't have time
to be imported.

Whoa, wait, how did you know

that Murray had
brought champagne?

It's so simple.

A: Murray is a romantic

and would bring champagne,

and B: the bullhorn
was a dead giveaway.

A bullhorn was a dead giveaway?

That's right. How would it look

for a policeman to be
walking down the street

carrying a bottle of
champagne in his hand?

It would look like he took a
bribe from Lawrence Welk.

Stop looking at me as though
I'm in league with Satan.

Come on, it's time for a toast.

To Oscar Madison... Here, here.

Sportswriter of the Year.

Oscar? Okay, I guess
you're not supernatural.

I mean, what good's a reward

if you can't share it
with your friends, huh?

Cheers. Don't drink too fast.

You'll get hiccups. I haven't
had hiccups in 20 years.

(hiccupping)

Felix, you were right. (hiccups)

That's right.

(hiccups) I've never seen
you have hiccups before.

In 20 years,
(hiccups) I never...

and you predicted
(hiccups) predicted it.

That's just like my
Aunt Goldie was.

Oh!

Oh, I... Oh!

Oh! What is it?

There's a strangeness
in my body.

I just...

Oh, there are forces,
they're all around me,

and they're, they're
inside me, Oscar.

I have spiritual
power, I can feel it.

Oscar... I'm Rosemary's baby!

Oscar, with this new power,

this psychic power,

the mind boggles at
what I can do with it.

Felix, the fever
broke two days ago,

and for two days you've
bungled every boggle,

so let's eat.

I predict... Oscar sitting down.

What kind of prediction is that?

When do I eat standing up?

I predict Oscar
will open his beer.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And now, my psychic power

brings you what
you want for dinner.

Oh, come on, you've
been wrong for two days.

All right, what do
you want for dinner?

Turkey.

Now come on, come
on. No kidding around.

I'm not kidding. I want turkey.

What've you got?

Swiss steak. Okay.

I made a little mistake,
but they're both meat.

Both meat, you see?

Now, what else do you want?

I'll bet you want vegetables.

I always have vegetables. Aha!

What aha?

Now, what kind of
vegetables do you want?

Spinach.

Peas.

Peas are spinach?

Popeye's going
to get very upset.

Ah, but you see,
they're both green.

That's all I saw.

Green, you see.

Now, what, wait, whoa, wha...!

Oscar drinking his beer.

You're wrong again.
I was drinking water.

No, n-n-no, but you
see, all I saw was liquid.

I didn't see the head
on it, but I saw liquid.

There, you see?

You know why you saw liquid?

'Cause your brain is leaking.

I don't care what you say.

I'm a psychic.

You are not a psychic.

You're a sickic!

And I've had it!

Now, I'm going to tell
you something, Felix.

I am going to make a prediction.

I predict this meal is over.

I predict this will
break my heart.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

What is it?

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Oscar, I've been sitting
here in this yoga position,

and I've had a terrible vision.

What?

You're going to die.

For that you woke me up?

Couldn't let me die in my sleep?

How am I going to die?

I don't know.

The vision is... it's foggy.

All right.

I'll cancel the trip to
London I wasn't going to take.

Oscar, believe me.

Believe me.

Why should I believe a pretzel?

You were wrong about
the spinach and the peas

and the Swiss
steak and everything.

I've had it, I've really had it.

Tomorrow I'm going to
put you in a wheelbarrow

and I'm going to
take you to a doctor.

I predicted you'd say that.

Come right in, gentlemen.

Thank you.

Ah!

Ah, what does he do,
play football on the moon?

This is an alpha wave helmet.

It assists with
psychic meditation.

Very good.

Professor Farraday will be
with you in just a moment.

Thank you.

You don't have to be psychic

to know what I'm thinking
when she's around.

That's right; kid all you want.

I'm not worried.

Well, you should be.

This guy's a very good doctor.

He's going to show you up
for the phony that you are.

Good afternoon, I am
Professor Farraday.

A pleasure, Unger.

I'm so glad your editor
suggested you call me,

Mr. Madison.

I read your column faithfully.

I'm Madison, he's Unger.

So what do you want from me?

I'm not a mind reader.

(laughs)

Excuse the jest, but...

if I took my work
too seriously...

Nee-noo-nah-nah-noo-noo...
I would go bananas.

In fact, the more research I do,

the more skeptical I become.

True cases of psychic
ability are really quite rare.

Exactly, exactly, and
I'm one of the rare ones.

Well, I tell you, why
don't we start, huh?

Yes. Yes.

Uh, I tell you what.

We'll set up the table

and, uh, Mr. Unger, would
you please sit over here?

Mr. Madison, would
you sit over here, please?

Want me to put on a gown?

If you like.

Now...

Just thought there was
some proper garb for testing.

Now, you will both notice

that Miss Arnett has
a set of large cards,

as you can see.

Each card bears
a different symbol.

Yes. There will be
five symbols in all.

Yes, yes. A circle...

a square, parallel lines,

a triangle, and a footprint.

Yes, yes, yes. Now, Mr. Madison,

I want you to select
a card from the deck.

Mr. Unger, I want you
to identify that card.

Yes. Begin.

Well, stop flirting
and pick a card.

You sensed he was
flirting with Miss Arnett?

What "sensed"?

I mean, there's a pretty
girl around, I flirt with her.

I always do that.

What kind of prediction is that?

All right.

I picked a card. What is it?

Um... Well, come on, what is it?

Uh... no, no, give me a chance.

I have to get in the proper,
uh, proper frame of mind.

Oh, come on, and don't
sit there going into a trance.

It makes you look like a frog.

How did you...

how did you know he was
making that froggy-face?

He always does that.

When he's in... Oh,
he got rid of it now.

He always does that.
Come on, come on, come on.

Well, tell me
what it is, will ya?

Um... uh... Come on.

Come on, I'm getting bored.

Um... parallel lines.

Well, stop smirking
and pick another card.

I wasn't ready. Come
on, come on, come on.

Should I, Professor?

If you like.

Okay.

All right, Mental the
Magnificent... what is it?

Ah, come on, what
are you trying to do?

If you're not going to play
the game, don't play at all.

That isn't fair.
What's the matter?

The professor told me to
pick a card, I picked a card.

Don't try to buffalo me.

You picked the same
card you had before.

If you know what the card
was, why don't you tell me?

I don't know what the
card was, but I know him.

I know he tried to
pick the same card

and tried to trip me up again. He didn't
say I couldn't pick the same card twice.

Boys, boys, boys, boys,
hold it... (both arguing)

(Farraday yells)

Boys, you know
each other so well,

I can't tell if Felix is psychic
or just responding out of habit.

But listen, thanks for
coming over anyway.

This was a nice change of
pace from the usual cuckoos.

Wait a minute,
will you, Professor.

Look, this is very...

Listen, would you
like a cold drink?

(laughing)

OSCAR: Will you cut it out.

If thinks he's psychic, I don't
like being called a cuckoo.

And he thinks I'm in danger,

then he's going to just
drive me right up the wall.

But Felix isn't sure
what the danger is

because his vision is
cloudy on that subject.

I know, but couldn't you
do something? You know...

Well, maybe I can do something.

Anyway, listen, I can
give him something

to keep him busy so
he'll stay FELIX: What?

Out of your way. What are
you talking about over there?

What's going on?

You are sensitive.

Listen, Unger, how
would you like to be

the first kid on your block
to have one of these?

I'm telling you, Murray,

he's going to drive me
nah-noo-noo-noo bananas.

And now he's got
an alpha wave hat.

Well, it's supposed
to help him meditate,

it has electrodes and
antennae and all that.

He looks like a
tidy Buck Rogers.

(monotone humming)

Whoom. (monotone humming)

I think he's about to give milk.

Yeah. Bye.

Felix, will you take it off?

It's going to flatten your head.

(monotone humming)

What'd you do,
swallow a hummingbird?

(humming
intensifies) What is it?

What? What? A short circuit?

(humming) Short
circuit? It's hurting.

In the ears? Where is it? What?

(screams) Oh...!

What?

Oscar. What?

I had a vision. What?

I saw what the danger is.

What is the danger?

The danger is a murder attempt.

Are you crazy?

Who would attempt to murder me?

Tomorrow night, at
the awards banquet,

an attempt will be
made on your life.

Hey, so?

There's nothing I
can do about that.

You mean the award is
more important than your life.

Felix, I have to go
and pick up my award...

Listen to me. This is serious.

This is serious, Oscar.

(humming)

Listen to me. Listen to me.

Listen to me. (humming)

You're not going to
that awards banquet.

Professor, you've
got to convince him

he's imagining things.

He wants to stop me
from going to the banquet.

And sometimes he really
gets to me... I get scared.

Yah, it can get scary, can't it?

Tha-that's why it's so easy
to fool yourself in this racket.

Yeah, but see, this thing
is very important to me,

and I don't want Felix
to foul it up. Hmm...

Thank you. Thank you.

Professor Farraday.
How do you do?

I've just been having a
lovely chat with Miss Arnett.

I told her the man she loves

will be hers by the
end of the week.

Hey, that's right... My
wife leaves town on Friday.

Very nice.

Enjoy yourselves at my...

No one likes a laugh
more than a mystic.

Go ahead, test me.

I know I'll be proven correct.

Well, then you won't mind
if I place you under hypnosis

for a brief period?

Very interesting
concept, Professor,

but, of course, it's
out of the question.

Hey, that's a very good idea...

Put him in a trance
until the banquet is over.

Well, are you afraid I
will make you undress

and imitate a chicken?

No, of course not, but
it's a well-known fact

that persons of superior
intellect cannot be hypnotized.

You just can't put me under.

Well, let him try,
Mr. Superior Intellect.

Well, all right, why don't
you sit down, please, relax.

I'm relaxed.

Continue to breathe
in a normal manner.

(chuckles): I'm
breathing, I'm normal.

Perfectly comfortable.

It's a waste of
time, it's useless.

Then what will it hurt you to
humor me a little bit anyway?

Now, I know this
is a cliché, but...

watch the watch.

It's a complete waste of time.

I'm willing to watch it as
long as you want me to,

but it's just...

What happened? I don't know.

Since his intellect is
too strong for hypnosis,

he must be dead.

(both laughing)

Now what am I going to do?

Hey, get him to undress
and imitate a chicken.

(laughing)

No, Mr. Madison.

Get Miss Arnett in here.

No, she does not
respond to my hypnosis.

Now, there's a woman
with a strong intellect.

Mr. Unger.

Felix. Mm.

Can you hear me?

Yes.

I want you to describe

your vision of the
sportswriter award banquet.

What is the danger
to your friend?

I... I see a...
banquet room and a...

(moaning): a...

a platform.

People milling about,
excitement, cameras.

Does that sound accurate?

But that could
describe any banquet.

What is that?

The... sugar bowls
aren't covered.

There's a fly in the sugar bowl.

Shoo, fly. Shoo, fly.

Will you forget about the
fly! What about the danger?

Danger.

Flashbulbs are popping, and...

and... the winner
is Oscar Madison.

He's my friend and...

There are hands...
hands... and...

they're clutching a... (groans)

a man's throat, oh... Whose
hands? Whose hands?

Oh... Who's the...
who's the strangler?

Who owns those hands? I got him!

You got the
strangler? No, the fly.

Who's the strangler?!

(weakly): Ah... it's so foggy...

Flies he gets;
stranglers get fogged in!

Don't waste your
breath, Mr. Madison.

I'll wake him up in a moment,
but first I want you to know

I think Mr. Unger has had a
genuine psychic experience.

He really was under.

I told you it's a waste of time.

Come on, Felix, we don't
have much time. Let's g...

What's the matter, fella?
You're not even dressed.

You're not going to that
banquet... I told you that.

I'm not going to
let you tempt fate.

Felix, get out of
my way... I'm going.

This is for your
own safety, Oscar!

When is the last time you
had your face set on fire?

Don't threaten me.
Felix, get out of my way.

This is the most
important night of my life.

I'm warning you... I've
got a black belt in karate.

It's the most impor...
Don't-don't try anything, Oscar.

Don't try anything.
I'm a black belt.

Oscar, I'm warning
you, don't-don't...

Oscar, you can't
go, you can't...

You haven't got your tie!

I've got your tie.
Oscar! I'll go without it.

I'll be ashamed if the other
sportswriters... you can't go...

Oscar! Wait! Wait!

(jazzy music playing,
indistinct conversations)

Excuse me.

Professor, Professor...

I'm so glad you're here.

Yes, when you called,
you were so distraught.

(groans): Oh...

The vision is so
clear right this minute.

You should have seen the vision

I just left to come here. Whoo!

But I actually believe you may
possibly be a genuine mystic.

So I want to see
this thing through.

On the way over in the
taxi, the vision of hands

clutching a throat was so clear,

it was as if it were
actually happening!

(laughing): It was... don't
forget, this is New York.

Please don't laugh... this is
a terribly serious business.

A man's life may...

Oscar, Oscar...

Felix, sit down, will ya?

They're just taking his picture.

(whispers): Oscar.

(inaudible whispering)

All right, let's all
settle down, please.

Sorry.

Is this a friend of yours?

Not if he doesn't cool it.

(groans)

Good evening, I'm Mal
Alberts, and welcome

to the 25th annual
Sportswriters Award Dinner.

The winner this year Hands!

Is columnist... Hands!

The winner this year

is a columnist who
many have thought

was long overdue in gaining
the recognition of his peers.

I'm referring, of course,

to Oscar Madison of
the New York Herald.

(fanfare plays)

And judging by the
attendance here tonight,

it's obvious the choice
was a very popular one.

Now here he is, the
winner of this year's award,

Oscar Madison!

(cheering) Thank you, Mal.

Hi, fellas.

(electronic feedback) I want you
to know that it's great to be here...

(unamplified): and
I... Oh, look at this.

(chuckles): The mike
went dead. Of all times.

(loudly): But I really
don't need a microphone

to tell you guys how I feel
about being here tonight.

OSCAR: You know,

this award is very
important to me.

I'm not a sentimental
guy, I don't get misty

about many things, but...

I am about tonight.

I want to tell you
what an honor it is

and how much I
appreciate it, I really do.

Thank you.

VARIOUS PEOPLE:
More! More! Mr. Unger...

there's nothing to worry about.

They love the guy!

I'm having such
hot flashes. I just...

No, danger is close.

OSCAR: I'll tell you, I'm
not very much of a speaker.

(quietly): Look! That man!

OSCAR: Maybe that's
why I became a writer.

Of course, there are
a lot of reporters...

FELIX: I gotcha!

MAN: What are you doing?
I'm a maintenance man!

I got to fix the microphone!

FELIX: Policeman! Is
there a policeman here?

Is there a policeman
in the house?

Go! Get 'em! Police! Police!

FELIX: I gotcha! I gotcha!

Felix you were right!

Your vision came true!

You're the strangler!

(sustained humming)

♪ Oh... ♪

(sustained humming)

(chuckling): Aha...

You see? You see how you are?

You make fun of things, but
then you come around and you...

you realize the value of
science. Come on, will you?

I'm trying to concentrate
on something. On what?

(hums): I want to make
something happen. What?

(hums): I'm going
to make it happen.

What?

(doorbell buzzes) (humming)

It works.