The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 22 - Oscar's Promotion - full transcript

You're almost late.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sorry.

(humming)

Sorry? Yes.

Your dinner's almost ready.

Go wash your hands and face.

Will do.

(humming continues)

You're singing. You're
being very accommodating.

What's wrong? You're smiling.

Well, there are smiley days



and there are frowny days.

This happens to be a smiley day.

Why?

Because today, I got the
opportunity of a lifetime.

Huh. Somebody made you
commissioner of garbage?

(laughing)

I'm sorry, you know...

me and my crazy sense of humor.

I'm a clown.

Well, it just so
happens, Flopsie Mopsie,

that the sports department
of our newspaper is

putting out a Sunday
supplement this weekend.

And guess who's editor?

(humming)



You.

Oh! Boy!

What an honor!

Your own supplement!

Yes, and if it's any good,

it might become a weekly thing.

Oh, that's terrific, Oscar!

Your own weekly supplement.

Your words read
by millions of people!

Now you know how
Shakespeare felt.

Why? Did he live
with a nut, too?

Oh, you'll, you'll
just make it great.

Oh, this... Tell me, so...

Well, what's your
first story going to be?

Well, it's about this Red
Chinese wrestling champ

who's coming here to meet
our champ, see, at an exhibition.

So it's not only sports...
International diplomacy.

It's a very big thing.
Oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy. Oh,
that's just fantas...

Let me get you a
glass for that beer.

You shouldn't be drinking beer.

You should be
drinking champagne.

So. There going to be pictures?

Of course, pictures.

Pictures are a very big thing.

I need a great photographer.

Yeah. So...?

So?

Who you going to get?

Hey, you're a photographer.

I need your opinion.

I'm thinking of Buzzy Allen.

Buzzy Allen?

For the opportunity
of a lifetime,

you want Buzzy
Allen? Yeah, I know

they call him "Boozy Buzzy"...

He has a little
drinking problem,

but I need a man
with his talent,

his great judgment, great taste,

always at the right
place at the right time.

I mean, where am I going to find

a great photographer like that?

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

TV ANNOUNCER:
Gabriel is fading back.

There's a big rush
from the Giant front four.

A tremendous rush.

He's looking for a receiver.

This is a must play. Do or die.

He's scrambling, scrambling.

They're putting pressure on him.

They've got him!

No, he got away
and he lets it go!

I'm blinded. What happened?

TV ANNOUNCER: A touchdown!

In 15 years of sportscasting,

I've never seen
a catch like that!

And I missed it!

What are you flashing
that thing in my face for?

But I got a great
shot of you in action.

You'll love this. Felix,
will you cut it out?

What are you taking
pictures of me for

in the middle of a game?

And now here it is
on the instant replay.

Leave me alone, will you?

I want to see this
play; it was a big one.

And now in slow
motion and freeze-frame,

there you see Gabriel
fading back, he throws...

Again, I'm blinded!
What are you doing?

It was a mistake! I'm sorry!

Anybody can make a mistake!

Where am I? You know
where you are. Come on.

There's the gun!

The game is over and you
all saw that fantastic catch!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why are you making my life
miserable with this camera?

I just want to show you,

I'm the right man
for your new job.

Felix, will you cut it out?

You're a great photographer,

for old ladies and little kids.

You know nothing about
action photography... Click, click!

What's that, "click, click"?

I just caught you in action,
waving your arms around.

Now, if I'd had my camera...

Felix, I don't want
you for a photographer.

I want Buzzy Allen.

Soon as he calls, I'm
going to give him the job.

Buzzy Allen will be
the mistake of your life!

My problem. Oscar,
you think I don't know

what's required
for the job, but I do!

All it takes is a
feeling for action.

Why won't you
look at these shots

I took out of my files for you?

You'll love them... I
have seen your files.

A portrait of your dentist.

A picture of Murray

walking his beat, in a dress.

A picture of your dentist
trying to pick up Murray.

And an 8x10 of your new dentist.

Oh. Please, look at them.

You only know me as a
commercial photographer.

Honestly, I've got a lot
more strings to my bow.

Won't you look,
just look at this one!

What is this?

Looks like an old
man chasing his hat.

Yeah.

It blew off on Sixth Avenue.

The wind took it
and he went after it.

What's an old man chasing
his hat got to do with sports?

Well, use your imagination!

That could be Mickey
Mantle chasing a fumble.

The picture looks the same.

Mickey Mantle chasing a fumble?

Why sure.

Look at the
expression on his face.

I caught that in mid-action.

He couldn't have
been going too fast.

He looks like he's
over 80 years old.

Yes, but he's peppy.

Look at the way the sun
glints on his white hair.

Look at that eager, intent
expression on his face.

That's the perfect
moment, I caught.

Oh, Felix! Click, click.

What's that again,
"click, click"?

Oscar, disgusted.

Oh... Wait.

Let me show you another one.

What is it? You got a picture

of an idiot chasing his beanie?

Oscar, I'm not doing
this for you. I'm do...

What is this?

(laughing)

I wanted you to have
the impact of surprise.

That is a great sports shot.

Sports shot?

Three little girls
playing jacks?

Yes.

That's my daughter,
Edna, and her two friends.

Come, take a good look
at this in the light. You see?

I caught it in mid-action.

The ball's in the air.

Edna's just about
to do foursies.

Look at the tension
in those fingers.

Look at the look on that face.

That is a great sports shot.

Yeah, for the centerfold
of Jack and Jill magazine.

Oh, come on, Felix, will you...

Click, click. Oscar, mad.

Oh! Click, click.
Oscar, giving up.

Click, click. (grunts)

Oscar, mad, again.
Will you cut it out!

You're breaking my camera.

Click, click, click.

It's like living with
a Japanese cricket!

(telephone ringing)

Hello.

What?

I'm sorry, I can't
understand you. What?

M... Can you talk clearer?

Morrison. No, there's...

I think you mean
Madison, don't you?

Yes. Just a moment.
It's... It's for you.

It's Buzzy Allen... (hiccups)

Felix.

Hello, Buzzy.

You have to talk louder.

The music's too
loud. I can't hear you.

You're where?

Click, click!

Yeah. You just stepped in

for a little drink
before the fight.

What fight?

The Jackson-Barbera fight?

That was a week ago.

Click, click!

What? Oh, you want
to know why I called.

I called 'cause
I just got a tip.

Bet on Jackson.

Yeah. Can't lose.

Right. Bye.

I'll fix him.

Barbera knocked Jackson
out in the second round.

What are you doing?

Fixing your camera.

Now you remember
everything I told you?

I'm ready. I'm
ready for anything.

Sure, If an old man's
hat blows off, you'll get it.

Now, this is just the
weigh-in. You're to be invisible.

Get the shot, get
out of the way.

Don't worry about anything.

I'm a pro, baby.

Okay. Just remember
what I told you.

That's Jerry Burns.

Come here.

These guys the Oriental team?

No, they're the
Harlem Globe Trotters.

You're a pro, baby,
I'm telling you that.

Mr. Oscar Madison,

if you please.

Okay.

Well... Ladies and
gentlemen of the press,

I'm Oscar Madis...
What am I... Look,

we've all worked
together before.

You know me and you
know Nathaniel Talbot.

All right, you guys, shake
hands. I'm very happy to be here.

Just the two of you shake hands.

Wait a minute, will
you? Yeah. Shake hands.

That's it. Back up, just a
little bit, back up, back up.

Felix... All of you
squeeze in a little bit.

Can that man
squeeze in just a little?

(all talking)

Okay? Yeah.

Good. Okay, thank you.

And now, for the first
of our two opponents...

Reloading!

There's going to
be three opponents.

From the United
States of America,

holder of three
titles, Mr. Jerry Burns.

Jerry Burns! Let's
hear it for him!

(applause)

(muttering) ...didn't
take any pictures.

And from the People's
Republic of China...

Mr. Chuk Mai Chin!

Yay.

Felix.

What? Did I miss anything?

Not much, no.

I take it, you speak English?

I think so. Good.

You see, he does speak English.

We also have with us...

another person from the Orient.

The runner-up in the
Miss Globe Contest.

She brings peaceful
greetings to Mr. Chin.

Miss Lotus Lee...
Miss Hong Kong!

(applause)

She's Miss Runner-up?

The judges must have
been blindfolded, you know.

Blindfolded... they
couldn't see because...

Why don't you step back there?

(speaking Chinese)

Well, as you see,

she doesn't speak any English.

Uh, could you tell us
what she said, Mr. Chin?

I don't know. She
has dialect from South.

Mr. Madison, I believe
Miss Hong Kong said

that she welcomes,
uh, Mister, uh...

Chin. Mr. Chin, to
the, uh, to this country

and that she, um...
Uh... (speaks Chinese)

And, uh, she wishes
him a, uh, beneficence

and words to that effect.

Beneficence? Yes.

You got that? Beneficence.

From the Republic of China...

he's weighing in
at 174 and a half.

Okay, now, Mr. Burns...

You're gonna have to take...

How much do you weigh, Felix?

At 163. Putting
on a little weight.

Well, the camera's...
Will you get off the scale!

Mr. Burns, please.
Mr. Jerry Burns...

the American
defending champion is

weighing in at...

162 and a half. Marvelous.

All right, ladies and
gentlemen of the press,

that concludes the
weigh-in ceremony.

Thank you very much.

Drama, action, romance! I'm a
pro, baby. You're a pro interpreter.

I want you to be a
pro photographer...

Excuse me, just a moment.
Watch my stuff, will you?

Oh say, excuse me,
could I ask you a question?

Yeah. You ask, I answer.

When you make Chow Yuk,
do you use carrots and peas?

Ooh, you know Chow Yuk?

Oh yes, yes, I've been
making it for years,

but I wanted to make
sure I was authentic.

Not have good Chow Yuk
since knee-high to locust.

(laughs)

Would you like to come
up for some chow, Chuk?

I mean, would you like to come
up for some Chow yuk, Chuk?

Why don't you just
come up, Chuk?

Would you like to
come over for dinner?

Uh, sorry, manager say
no Chow Yuk while training.

Ah. Must stay trim.

Yes. Under 200 pound.

But you very kind
man to invite stranger.

Stranger? We're all brothers.

I know. You
people all look alike.

Just call me Felix.

Felix Unger.

You photographer. Yeah.

I call you... "Click, click."

Oh, very good. Another one.

Oh... Yeah.

Yeah. Very good. Very good.

How about the Roman style?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Very good, very good.

How about an armlock?

Armlock? Yeah.

(yells in pain)

What? What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

Just old tricky shoulder again.

This man is in pain.

Excuse me, could
I...? Do you mind?

Where's the pain?

Right here in the shoulder, huh?

You doctor?

I thought you click, click.

It's localized there...

No, I had the same thing
when I was in college.

Right down through there.

I had to give up lacrosse.

My doctor say it's bursitis.

Yeah... bursitis,
the old catchall.

No, you see, you got this
nerve coming right down here.

You have this
"sublactation," right here,

in the back of the neck.

Yes, yes...

Oh, you know everything.

Hold still now, wait a second.

(groans) How does
that feel? How is that?

Oh, much better, much better.

Pain gone, pain gone.

I'll tell you one thing.

You shouldn't wrestle anymore.

Not to wrestle?

Not with that arm.

You should never wrestle again.

But I must wrestle.

People... others depend on me.

Others depend on you?

Do others care if
you're injured for life?

I don't call that humane.

That's exploitation.

This man should
never wrestle again.

I shouldn't wrestle?

Absolutely not.

You speak Chinese,
you cook Chow Yuk,

you fix my shoulder,
you have very nice eyes...

Even though round.

I trust you.

Everybody come in here!

Everybody come in!

I have big thing to say.

Big thing to say...

OSCAR: Take
pictures. Big thing to say.

Wait till you hear
what he has to say.

CHUK: I not wrestle
in United States.

I have been told never
ever to wrestle again

by my brother, Felix Unger.

I'm not going to talk about it.

Felix, you have
to talk about it.

It is not in the second
section... the sports section.

Headlines in the
front page, look at that.

"Red Chinese Wrestler Bows Out."

So, what do you
want me to do about it?

I want you to get
him to bow in again.

Oscar, he's a grown man...

He is an overgrown man.

He's like a kid with
you. He trusts you.

That's a big responsibility.

I told the man the truth.

The truth? Look
at this, the truth.

Suddenly the truth.

Show me the shingle that
says, "Felix Unger, M.D."

It just happens that I'm very
familiar with this condition.

Oh, you're splitting fees
with Marcus Welby now?

I had the same
thing myself in school.

To this day, I can't shake down

a thermometer
with my right hand.

I have to use my left hand.

All right! We will
assume the ridiculous.

We will assume that
your diagnosis is correct.

I want you to reverse yourself.

Tell the man it's
okay to wrestle.

You mean lie?

Yeah, take your
tongue and tell a lie.

I wouldn't do such a thing.

Felix, the president
called my boss today...

He yelled at him pretty good.

The president? Yeah.

What did he say?

He said tell Felix to take
his tongue and tell a lie.

I don't believe you.

Okay, all right,
forget the president.

Forget the State Department.

Forget peace in our time.

Forget it all.

The truth is, my
job is on the line.

Oh, they threatened you? Why?

Why? I hired you.

They said, well, I was
responsible for your actions.

If Chuk doesn't
wrestle, I'm out. That's it.

Well, that's... I... I, don't...

I don't think that's...

All right, I'll
do it, but... No.

No, not under those
conditions, no sir.

Cast my lot with the devil.

No, no, I won't let
you do it that way.

I'm your friend. I'm your buddy.

Do you think I would let you

go against your conscience
that means so much to you?

I'd rather be unemployed.

I could find another
job, don't worry.

There are many
jobs for sportswriters.

Not in this country,
but there are some.

What's this?

The phone number
of Chuk's hotel.

The sports world is a jungle.

(door buzzes)

You get, you get the phone,

dial, dial, dial,
I'll get the door.

Chuk, what are you doing here?

Come on in, come in.

I need a place to be
alone, so I come here.

You want us to leave?

No.

I need a place to talk... think.

I take long walk
in Central Park.

You know, in Central
Park, everybody wrestle.

Hey, speaking of wrestling,

that reminds you of
something, doesn't it, Felix?

What? Tell him.

What? The good news, tell him.

You know, you
were going to tell him.

Uh, Chuk, I...

I think I, uh, I think I-I
might have been mistaken

about your shoulder.

You wrong? Yeah.

As impossible as that
may be to conceive, I, uh...

I, uh... let me take
another look at it.

I, uh... my feeling is that...

Let me see, just a minute now.

Yeah, hmm...
Yeah, yeah... Hmm...

Don't "hum" him,
tell him, tell him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you see, you see, what
I had was "lacrosse shoulder,"

which only happens to
people who play lacrosse

or live in Wisconsin.

Yeah. What you've got here...

You've got Oriental bursitis.

What he mean?

He means that you can wrestle.

Chuk can wrestle?

Sure. That's what he means.

Oh, nice! Nice!

No, it's... I-I believe you!

I go now. I make
everybody happy.

Tell 'em Felix say,
okay to wrestle.

Tell all the
newspapers, everybody.

You can get ahold
of the president,

tell him you feel good,
too... Tell everybody.

You're helping a friend.

Don't you feel better?

(crying)

I knew you would.

Hey, old buddy,
what are you eating?

Gelatin dessert.

What flavor?

Just plain gelatin.

I don't deserve a flavor.

Will you cut it out.

You did the right thing.

Lying is the right thing?

When I die, I want my
tongue buried separately.

You didn't actually
lie, you know.

If anything happens
to that man's shoulder...

I'm going to give him mine.

A shoulder transplant?

I'll be his right arm.
I'll never leave his side.

Never leave his side?

Nobody deserves that, Felix.

Look, there are
a lot of athletes

that are going through
what Chuk is going through.

They break tendons
and ankles, and...

they have operations and pain.

They don't quit.

They bite their lip, they
spray on a little novocain,

they keep on playing.

You know why?
They're masochists?

No, they love to play,
that's why they're athletes.

Be honest.

Did you see the
look on Chuk's face

when you told him
he could wrestle?

He loved you for that.

I don't care what you say.

Liars never prosper.

Neither do unemployed
sportswriters.

Oscar, I can't go
through with this, I can't.

I don't want to cover
that match tonight.

My heart's just not in it.

Do you think I would let
you cover that match tonight?

I wouldn't let you
within 50 miles of it.

Good.

Good, because all the guards

around there have
little click, clicks of you...

Not to let you in.

It's for the best.

I'll stay home tonight.

What'll you do?

Read the Bible. Oh, boy.

Who did you get to replace me?

Buzzy Allen.

I'll say a prayer for you.

You'll probably be
able to get some shots

before the match, behind-
the-scenes-stuff, okay?

Yeah. Attaboy.

(sniffs) Hey, I smell
something wonderful.

That's rubbing alcohol.

Which way to the arena?

I'm dying for a beer.

It's not that kind of wrestling.

They don't sell beer here.

No beer? No.

What kind of wrestling is that?

This is the real thing,
Buzzy... amateurs.

You mean, they don't know
who's going to win before?

That's right.

They're going to ruin the game.

Where's Felix?

Oh, he couldn't come,

but this is his
replacement, Buzzy Allen.

I don't like his eyes.

I don't see his eyes.

You mean, my friend
Felix couldn't come?

Oh, he wanted to
come, but he couldn't.

Good luck, Sport.

Same to you.

Jerry Burns, let's go.

We want to introduce
you to the crowd.

Chuk, it's me, Felix.

How'd you get in here?

Chuk, I lied to you.

Don't you understand, you're
going to start World War III?!

I can't help it,
the truth will out!

Your teeth will out if you...

Wait a minute. I settle this.

I settle this.

I tell you, Felix,

I know from before
that you not tell me truth.

How do you know?

My face gave me away, huh?

No, not your face.

The last checkup,
your fingers not sincere.

Do you hate me?

No, you lied to me,

because you want to save
your friend from shame.

That's true. He did
do it for me, Chuk.

If you know I'm lying, why do you
want to go out there and wrestle?

Chuk also have friends in China

who would lose face
if Chuk not wrestle.

Chuk also loyal to friends.

Chuk wrestle for friends.

Mr. Chin, we're
ready for you now.

When you fall, be sure
to favor this shoulder.

Okay, Buzzy, let's go, buddy.

Is this Buzzy Allen? Yeah.

I never met him.

I spoke to you on
the phone, Mr. Allen.

It was a great pleasure.

He's shy.

May I borrow your camera?

I knew you wouldn't
let me down. I'll return it.

Although, I must say, as
one photographer to another

that I do think it's a crime
that a man of your talent...

Take your feet off the sofa!

Wait, wait till you
see the art I got.

I got my pictures...
Really great stuff.

Oh, I want to see it.

I got the best
picture of the first fall.

Oh, when he had him
up in the air? Yeah.

Yeah, oh, let me see that one.

Look at that.

Look at that. A picture of me?

Yeah, but look at
the look in your eyes.

That tells the whole story.

Where are the wrestlers?

They're in the ring.

A hundred photographers
got that shot.

You don't want
that. I do want that.

Let me show you the victory...
Chuk's victory at the end.

This is really something...

When he pinned him down? Yes.

Oh, I thought he was never...

Here it is, look at that. A
beautiful picture of a bell.

Yeah.

Look closely, what do you see?

The fly on the bell?

Right. No, the fly has
just flown off the bell.

You know why?

Because the bell was just rung.

Look at the iridescence
in those wings.

That tells the whole
story... A moment of triumph.

Isn't that wonderful?

I tell you, these pictures
are just too pretty

to put in the sports section.

I'm going to put them
on the front page...

The picture of me
and the fly on the bell.

And on the sports page, I'm
going to put a want ad for a job.

(door buzzing) What a joker.

Look who's here.

Look who's here.

Hey, Miss Lee. Chuk.

Come in, come in.

Chuk, what a nice surprise.

Hello. How are you?

We go to China tomorrow,

so we came up tonight
to be with good friends.

Oh, isn't that nice? Oh,
congratulations on your victory.

What did you bring?

Food, food.

Special food.

Food that Chinese people like.

Oh, food that
Chinese people like.

Oh, how nice.

Let's see what you've got here.

What did you bring us?

Uh, you like rocks?

Rocks? Rocks? Rocks.

What kind of rocks?

Rocks... kleam and bagel.

And brintzes, cheese brintzes.

Cheese brintzes. And
river, chopped river.

Yes.

How come you brought this food?

I love Italian food.