The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 21 - A Night to Dismember - full transcript
Only Felix would arrange a special lunch date for Oscar and his ex-wife on the anniversary of their divorce. They recall the last night they all spent together - with very different results.
I told you, I already
had lunch at the office.
What, Fig Newtons
and creme soda?
Hell's Angels eat
better than you
and neater, too.
Won't hurt you to eat some
decent food for a change.
Decent? You always said
pizza gives me heartburn.
Nothing gives you heartburn.
Now, you comfortable?
Yeah. Good.
I'm leaving.
What do you mean,
you're leaving?
We just got here. You'll see.
Just wait, somebody
will come and sit with you.
What are we doing here,
Casablanca? Who's coming?
What? Somebody.
Who?
A lady somebody.
A lady somebody?
You fixed me up
with a date with a lady.
Who? Who? Who? Yeah.
Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman
with the overbite?
What? For lunch?
Don't be silly.
Listen... Felix.
Felix, I'm not late, am I?
Hello, hello. Hello,
darling, how are you?
Blanche, what are
you doing here?
Oscar, what are you doing here?
You fixed me up with my ex-wife?
Yes.
Now I got heartburn.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
(giggling)
Oh... (chuckling)
You two...
Blanche, what are
you doing in New York,
starting your own
alimony collection agency?
No.
I came east for my
Uncle Dave's wedding.
Old Uncle Dave? The
guy's gotta be over 90.
Yeah.
So, Blanche is in New York.
Today is the anniversary
of your divorce.
So?
I thought it would be fun if
you celebrated it together.
Fun?
Aren't you the guy that got
the survivors of the
Hindenberg together?
He thought it would be fun.
It was my idea.
Just call me an
incurable romantic.
I'd like to call you...
Just call him
incurable, sweetheart.
I'm on my way. I'm going.
Good.
Good-bye, Felix.
You're gauche, but good, dear.
Oh, you two...
It's a great idea, you'll see.
Gee, it's great to hear
about Uncle Dave.
I didn't know he got married.
Neither did he.
Kind of weird, isn't it?
The two of us sitting here
celebrating our divorce.
Weird?
When I'm in California,
I celebrate it every day.
Hey.
Oh, would you like linguini?
They make it great here.
You remembered.
Remembered
what? I hate linguini.
Uh-huh.
But I remember...
make it one linguini
red clam sauce,
and one pizza with
everything on it,
and wine in one of those
things that looks like a basket.
When did you
master Italian, darling?
Come on, will you
cut out the zingers.
It's a truce, remember? We're on
neutral ground. Right, right. Sorry.
Sorry, it's a truce.
Listen, we had a lot of
good things going for us.
Oh, we had a lot of laughs.
As Grover Cleveland said,
some people get
along all the time,
some people never get along,
and we never got
along all the time.
(laughs)
Grover Cleveland said that?
Listen, he was no Abe Lincoln.
'Cause we had some great fights.
But the best one was
the one that broke us up...
New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve.
Yeah. That was a beauty.
Uh-huh.
Oh, you really
blew it that night.
I blew it?
I... Blanche, I
started a lot of fights,
but at that New Year's
party, you were the bad guy.
Me?
I was there.
I happened to have thrown
that party, remember?
Where was I, playing
drums with Guy Lombardo?
I was there, too. I
saw what happened.
Okay, tell me what you saw.
No, no, no, I want you
to tell me your version
'cause I need the laugh.
It would be my pleasure.
It is burned into my memory.
I remember how I worked
and I slaved on that party
to make it perfect for you,
and there you were in
your usual grumpy mood,
sitting around
telling dirty jokes
and hanging around
with your buddies.
Then the guy says,
"Yeah, now that I got it,
how do I get rid of it?"
(laughing)
I got to get another splash.
Oh, darling, darling,
is everything all right?
Yeah, it's wonderful, wonderful.
Oh, honey, I want
you to try this dip.
I spent hours on it.
See if you like it.
You like it?
You deserve a medal.
I'll hang an avocado
around your neck.
I'm busy talking, all right?
Honey, wait a minute.
Listen, is this dress all right?
I mean, you know it
isn't too tacky, is it?
This is a party, it's
not a fashion show.
Why don't you go
blow up some balloons?
Let's blow them up
together like we used to.
Remember? I'm talking,
I'm not blowing and
I'm not remembering.
(doorbell buzzes)
Why don't you answer the door?
We could answer it together.
You answer it, and
if it's a naked midget
with a banner across his
chest, tell him he's early.
(doorbell buzzes)
You have a good
time, sweetheart.
I'll answer the door.
Felix!
How are you?
Oh, my sinuses are killing me,
but I won't ruin your party.
I promise.
(honks)
Is it New Year's?
Where's Oscar?
Oh, he's over there
having a wonderful time
with all his friends.
His friends...
I saw one today with a
tattoo of a rat on his neck.
Oh, darling, don't feel bad.
There's a man over there
without a bone in his nose.
Poor Blanche.
Oh, come on. It'll
be a lovely party.
Come on, I'll
introduce you around.
Excuse me, aren't you
Trudy Wells, the tennis pro?
Why, yes, but I'm
good at other things, too.
Let me, please...
Ooh, thank you.
I just love your party.
I do, too, now.
Hey, how about
a drink, right here?
Oh, gee, I'd love one,
but I have a very
strict tennis coach.
Yeah, I'll bet he said
you shouldn't wear lace
panties at Forrest Hills, too.
I just love this dip. Mm.
What are these
little black things?
Oh, those are
Oscar's cigar ashes.
Poor Blanche.
(laughing raucously): Oh...!
You're silly.
Look at Oscar over there.
Isn't he cute when he
gets around a pretty girl?
You mean you're not jealous?
Of Oscar?
No. Why should I be?
Well, I, I'm the last guy in
the world to pass on gossip,
but that girl's got a
terrible reputation.
She broke up a marriage
on The Newlywed Game.
Darling, if a husband and wife
can't trust each other,
what do they have?
You're some kind
of girl, Blanche.
MAN: Hey, it's almost midnight.
(crowd clamoring)
Excuse me.
Are you gonna get
the noisemakers?
Save me a roll-out tweeter
noisemaker. You betcha.
Isn't she a wonderful hostess?
Great party.
Oscar, please.
Why not?
But you said you just
wanted to see my forehand.
I do. I do, and it's beautiful.
Just like the rest of you.
It's a bad bounce.
Where's my Oscar?
You know what?
He hides every New Year's Eve.
He hid last year.
Where did you find him?
In Cleveland.
(laughing) Doesn't she have
a wonderful sense of humor?
Oscar... Oscar, darling.
Where are you?
Oscar... Pass those
out. Blanche. Blanche.
You're just terrible.
I think it's my serve.
And the score is 15-love.
(giggling)
Why don't you tell
her the real score,
45 and out of gas.
Blanche.
Oscar, how could you?
Blanche, you don't understand.
It was nothing.
Your kisses usually are.
Poor Blanche.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say good-bye.
Let me talk to my wife.
Talk? There's
nothing to talk about.
Wait, Blanche!
Felix, at least
you'll listen to me.
Oscar, I'm the last
to turn against you,
but you've not only
mortally wounded
the loveliest, most
trusting wife in the world,
but look at the way
you've wrinkled those coats.
Coat freak!
(music playing)
Felix, I didn't mean
to cheat on Blanche.
She's got to know that.
It's too late for that now.
Now, I've got to find her before
she does something drastic.
Well, what do I do?
When you see her,
get down on your knees
and thank your maker
for a wife like Blanche.
Aw, Blanche,
Blanche, pull yourself together.
Felix, do you mind, please?
Blanche, I'm sorry.
What can I do to
make it up to you?
Look, I'm on my
knees, I'm begging.
Please forgive me.
Please, Oscar, get up.
Your trousers are
getting the floor all dusty.
Great party, Blanche.
Thank you, dear.
What can I do? I'll do anything.
I'll buy you that house,
I'll even turn neat.
I'm sorry, Oscar, it's
too late for all that.
My words exactly.
MAN: Hey,
everybody, it's midnight!
(cheering, horns blow)
♪ ...old acquaintance
be forgot and... ♪
Everybody, hold it, hold it!
I'm sorry, you'll have
to go somewhere else
to ring in a Happy New
Year. The party's over.
GROUP: Poor Blanche.
(laughing)
You've got to be kidding.
That blonde was nothing.
I took her out
after we broke up.
Never let sleeping
dogs lie, do you, Oscar?
Come on, Blanche, you've
got the story all wrong.
Sure, we broke up
for good that night,
but it was your
fault. My fault?!
Are you gonna sit there,
are you gonna tell me
you don't really
remember what happened?
Tell me your version.
I'd like to hear it
told with a full mouth.
Okay.
It was a good party.
The room was filled with
good friends, good booze
and good spirits, but you,
baby, you were impossible.
You were a... like a
deranged Carmen Miranda.
♪ La cucaracha, la cucharacha ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪
♪ Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
(cheering)
Excuse me.
Oh, I just love your friends.
Honey, it's almost midnight,
don't you think we ought to
hand out the noisemakers?
Yes, sweetheart, you do that.
Yeah, but I don't know
where they are, darling.
They're in the closet.
The one with the
pointy head is yours.
(laughing)
(doorbell buzzes)
Honey, there's the door.
Let's answer it together.
You get it.
I have a few little
things to answer here.
(laughing) Try to
have a good time, dear.
♪ La cucaracha,
la cucaracha... ♪
Hello, Felix, how are you?
My sinuses are killing me.
I promise you I
won't ruin your party.
(honks)
Is it midnight?
BLANCHE: This is
the kind of party I love!
Men! Men!
Look at Blanche.
Look at that dress
she's not wearing.
It's quite an
attention grabber...
and it's getting a
lot of grabs, too.
Yay!
Carry me into the kitchen!
To the kitchen!
Everybody in the kitchen.
Pretty rough, huh, kid?
It's no picnic.
You poor guy.
You deserve better.
I try to be nice, but...
Oscar, I'm the last
man in the world
to offer unsolicited advice,
but maybe she's not for you.
Maybe you're right, Felix.
After all, I'm only a guy.
I'm not God.
Oscar Madison,
my favorite sportswriter.
She's not for you either, Oscar.
Trudy Wells, you
know Felix Unger?
How do you do?
Little Trudy's been
waiting all night for you
to pay her a little attention...
Honey, now, you've
been drinking a lot.
You know what
martinis do to you.
Oh, they get me drunk.
That's why I drink 'em.
Give me your glass.
No!
Pretty please?
No, no, no, no!
Oh, go ahead, Trudy, do it.
Oh, no, this one's
for you, Oscar.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
What do I do now?
Should I get her a coaster?
I'll get her to the bedroom
and have her take a nap, okay?
Good idea.
I'll turn down the bed.
No, no, no, I don't want
to mess up the party.
You get Blanche
and have her hand out
the noisemakers, will you?
You're some kind of guy, Oscar.
Blanche is lucky to
have a husband like you.
Thank you, Felix. Thank you.
ALL: It's a great party!
Beautiful! Great!
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're a beautiful guy, Oscar.
♪ Da, da, da! ♪
♪ Da, da, da, ta! ♪
♪ Da, da, da, ta! ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Ra, da, da, da, ta! ♪
♪ Ra, da, da, ta! ♪
Join us, join us,
darling. Join us!
Such a dusty dance.
Trudy, no, please!
I gotta... please!
I want to take you for a ride.
Excuse me.
I was just putting her down.
You've been putting
me down for nine years.
It never looked like that.
What happened?
Was it a bad serve?
Stay on your back,
sweetie. It's your best side.
Felix!
Oh, Oscar, she's doing
you a terrible injustice.
I know. We've got to
go straighten her out.
Right, but first, let me
straighten out these coats.
(funky R&B playing)
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Did you ever see
such an unreasonably
jealous woman?
And for no reason.
I know. I've got to find
her and set her straight.
Oscar, you're a saint. A saint.
Blanche!
Oscar!
Excuse me, folks. It
wasn't my fault, Oscar.
I just came here
for a piece of ice.
She's not for you.
Oh, Oscar, I'm so ashamed!
Because you got caught?
You tell it to the Goldfarbs!
Our lawyers?!
Yeah. You take a
Goldfarb, I'll take a Goldfarb
and I'll meet you in court!
I don't want a Goldfarb, Oscar.
I want you to forgive
me, please?! I beg you!
The good Lord and
Felix, they know I've tried,
but you're just not for me.
Please.
Oh, Oscar, please.
I'll try to be nice!
I'll learn to litter!
Get up, Blanche. You're
getting linoleum burns.
Felix.
I'm sorry, Blanche.
You had it coming.
What should I do, Felix?
While you're down
there on your knees,
thank your maker for
a husband like Oscar.
MAN: Hey,
everybody, it's midnight!
ALL: ♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to... ♪
(singing ceases)
No, no, though a terrible,
terrible thing has happened,
I want all of you, my friends,
to continue to have a good time.
I want everybody to have
a good time, everybody!
But me!
Oscar, the only football
player I ever touched
was a Ram fullback
who ran out of bounds
and stepped on
me with his cleats!
A likely story. You're
gonna tell me...
Everybody...
Hi, you two. How's it going?
That well, huh?
We seem to have trouble
remembering the events
of a certain evening.
She has trouble remem...
I'm glad you're here.
You remember the
New Year's Eve party,
the one where I blew
the whistle on Blanche?
That's his version.
In my version,
the only thing he
blew was our marriage.
Do I remember?
That is the most vivid
night in my entire memory...
even if I was doomed to failure.
What failure?
What else?
Keeping you two from making
such a terrible mistake.
I remember how I felt
that night, how up I was.
It was New Year's Eve and
I felt like a million dollars.
I arrived late
because I'd been to two
or three parties before,
but I had to be with
you two at midnight.
Oh what a party it was.
Boy, what a dull party!
Is Felix coming?
OSCAR: Yeah, he'll be here soon.
Yeah, where's Felix?
That's what this party needs...
(all assenting)
(doorbell buzzing)
Happy New Year!!!
(all cheering)
Feliz nuevo ano!
Gluchlict Neu Yahr!
Bonne Noël!
(all cheering)
Ah, guy's got a million of 'em!
He's an international wit!
Oh, Felix!
Ah, Blanche!
Ah, Blanche, don't
you look lovely!
Oh, you always know
exactly what to say
to make a woman
feel like a woman.
Hey, speaking of woman,
where's your woman?
I'm solo tonight.
You're kidding. You never...
Oh, I should've known.
Look at the way they go for him.
(laughter)
I want to thank you for
that great Christmas gift.
Oh, yes, a humidifier,
so we can breathe pure air.
If you can't breathe outside,
at least you'll be
able to breathe inside.
(all laugh)
What a mind!
He does topical humor, too!
WOMEN: Oh...!
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I see you
invited Trudy Wells,
the famous tennis champ.
Yes, do you know her?
Everybody knows her.
She's broken up more marriages
than Monday Night Football.
Oh, you silly thing.
I've got to get out
the noisemakers.
It's almost midnight.
Excuse me, girls.
Girls, girls, I'll be
back, I promise.
Hey, kids, where
are you two going?
I don't know. Wherever
he's taking me.
I'm a follower.
I'm taking her for a nap.
Whenever she
nips, she's gotta nap,
and she's nipped.
So, nappy nap!
Oscar? What?
Willpower.
Oh... Who's Will Power?
Felix, where did
Oscar disappear to?
I couldn't say.
I need him to help me
hand out the goodies, darling.
He's already
getting the goodies.
He doesn't need any
help with the goodies.
That would turn out baddies.
Felix, what are
you talking about?
Blanche, don't go back there.
Blanche, if you go back,
go back with an open mind!
I don't think...
Cheese it, Oscar!
We're going to see the sandman.
Oscar!
Are you the sandman?
No, I'm the sandman's
wife, and I'm going to sprinkle
a little poison in
your eyes, dear.
Oh, my goodness.
I bet you think there's
something wrong.
I'll take that bet.
Wow, she's really sore.
How did she know I was in here?
It, it couldn't be
anything I said.
What did you say?
I told her not to come
back here, Oscar.
I said if she did go in, to
go in with an open mind.
I yelled "Cheese it, Oscar".
You yelled, "Cheese
it, Oscar"?! Thanks a lot.
Now I know how
much trouble I'm in.
Why is it every time
you want to help me,
you end up hurting me?
You're like a
vicious St. Bernard!
See what happens when
you try to help people?
(sniffles)
(honks)
Happy New Year!
I just don't know what to do.
Aw, Blanche...
OSCAR: Some of these
kids coming up from colleges,
it's going to be a whole
different ball game.
They're getting different
patterns, you know?
They're going in more,
they're going out more.
The passes, they're not
able to read the defense...
Hey, uh, did you see Blanche?
Yes, she's in the kitchen.
There's a kid coming
up, I think, is gonna be...
You saw her in the kitchen?
Yeah. She wouldn't
accept my apology,
but I'll straighten
her out later.
This kid is really something.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
You, you did see
her in the kitchen?
Yeah.
And that... that
doesn't bother you?
What's it bother me, that
she's fixing a noisemaker?
That's what you call him, huh?
Call who?
The vicious St.
Bernard says no more.
I'm going to take a look.
No, don't go in there, Oscar!
Why not?
No, no. If you go in,
go in with an open mind.
Get out of my...
Cheese it, Blanche!
Blanche!
How could you?!
What are you talking about?
You, out of the huddle!
And you, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!
Oh, sure, the best
form of defense is attack.
I don't have anything to defend.
I know nothing
happened in the bedroom.
I saw what was happening here!
People, people, it's a
terrible misunderstanding.
You're both such
wonderful people.
Sure, he plays a great
game of tennis on a mattress.
Look who's talking!
The Sensuous
Woman of the Kitchen.
I never did trust you.
You had those beady little eyes!
That's not beady,
that's a wince.
It's been there since
the day we were married!
You don't have to stay
married, sweetheart.
People, people, please!
Aw, shut up! Aw, shut up!
Why don't you get out of here!
Get out of here! Mind
your own business, will ya?!
Instead of yelling at me,
the two of you should
be down on your knees
thanking your maker
for a friend like me.
MAN: Hey,
everybody, it's midnight!
(all cheering, blowing horns)
Happy New Year!
♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to... ♪
I tried to talk to them,
but I'm afraid
it's, it's no use.
The party's over.
(all groan)
Believe me, I did
everything in my power
to hold those two
people together.
Now... Just go home!
It's just...
ALL: Poor Felix...
What are you staring
at me like that for?
The way I described it,
that's the way it happened.
The gospel according
to Saint Felix.
That's very funny,
but if you two had
listened to me that night,
you'd never have got a divorce.
Felix, we never
belonged together.
No, no, no, no, wrong!
You do belong together.
You love each other,
and leave it to me,
I'm going to get the two
of you back together again.
Now we'll eat.
The meal is on me.
So's the wine.
had lunch at the office.
What, Fig Newtons
and creme soda?
Hell's Angels eat
better than you
and neater, too.
Won't hurt you to eat some
decent food for a change.
Decent? You always said
pizza gives me heartburn.
Nothing gives you heartburn.
Now, you comfortable?
Yeah. Good.
I'm leaving.
What do you mean,
you're leaving?
We just got here. You'll see.
Just wait, somebody
will come and sit with you.
What are we doing here,
Casablanca? Who's coming?
What? Somebody.
Who?
A lady somebody.
A lady somebody?
You fixed me up
with a date with a lady.
Who? Who? Who? Yeah.
Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman
with the overbite?
What? For lunch?
Don't be silly.
Listen... Felix.
Felix, I'm not late, am I?
Hello, hello. Hello,
darling, how are you?
Blanche, what are
you doing here?
Oscar, what are you doing here?
You fixed me up with my ex-wife?
Yes.
Now I got heartburn.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
(giggling)
Oh... (chuckling)
You two...
Blanche, what are
you doing in New York,
starting your own
alimony collection agency?
No.
I came east for my
Uncle Dave's wedding.
Old Uncle Dave? The
guy's gotta be over 90.
Yeah.
So, Blanche is in New York.
Today is the anniversary
of your divorce.
So?
I thought it would be fun if
you celebrated it together.
Fun?
Aren't you the guy that got
the survivors of the
Hindenberg together?
He thought it would be fun.
It was my idea.
Just call me an
incurable romantic.
I'd like to call you...
Just call him
incurable, sweetheart.
I'm on my way. I'm going.
Good.
Good-bye, Felix.
You're gauche, but good, dear.
Oh, you two...
It's a great idea, you'll see.
Gee, it's great to hear
about Uncle Dave.
I didn't know he got married.
Neither did he.
Kind of weird, isn't it?
The two of us sitting here
celebrating our divorce.
Weird?
When I'm in California,
I celebrate it every day.
Hey.
Oh, would you like linguini?
They make it great here.
You remembered.
Remembered
what? I hate linguini.
Uh-huh.
But I remember...
make it one linguini
red clam sauce,
and one pizza with
everything on it,
and wine in one of those
things that looks like a basket.
When did you
master Italian, darling?
Come on, will you
cut out the zingers.
It's a truce, remember? We're on
neutral ground. Right, right. Sorry.
Sorry, it's a truce.
Listen, we had a lot of
good things going for us.
Oh, we had a lot of laughs.
As Grover Cleveland said,
some people get
along all the time,
some people never get along,
and we never got
along all the time.
(laughs)
Grover Cleveland said that?
Listen, he was no Abe Lincoln.
'Cause we had some great fights.
But the best one was
the one that broke us up...
New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve.
Yeah. That was a beauty.
Uh-huh.
Oh, you really
blew it that night.
I blew it?
I... Blanche, I
started a lot of fights,
but at that New Year's
party, you were the bad guy.
Me?
I was there.
I happened to have thrown
that party, remember?
Where was I, playing
drums with Guy Lombardo?
I was there, too. I
saw what happened.
Okay, tell me what you saw.
No, no, no, I want you
to tell me your version
'cause I need the laugh.
It would be my pleasure.
It is burned into my memory.
I remember how I worked
and I slaved on that party
to make it perfect for you,
and there you were in
your usual grumpy mood,
sitting around
telling dirty jokes
and hanging around
with your buddies.
Then the guy says,
"Yeah, now that I got it,
how do I get rid of it?"
(laughing)
I got to get another splash.
Oh, darling, darling,
is everything all right?
Yeah, it's wonderful, wonderful.
Oh, honey, I want
you to try this dip.
I spent hours on it.
See if you like it.
You like it?
You deserve a medal.
I'll hang an avocado
around your neck.
I'm busy talking, all right?
Honey, wait a minute.
Listen, is this dress all right?
I mean, you know it
isn't too tacky, is it?
This is a party, it's
not a fashion show.
Why don't you go
blow up some balloons?
Let's blow them up
together like we used to.
Remember? I'm talking,
I'm not blowing and
I'm not remembering.
(doorbell buzzes)
Why don't you answer the door?
We could answer it together.
You answer it, and
if it's a naked midget
with a banner across his
chest, tell him he's early.
(doorbell buzzes)
You have a good
time, sweetheart.
I'll answer the door.
Felix!
How are you?
Oh, my sinuses are killing me,
but I won't ruin your party.
I promise.
(honks)
Is it New Year's?
Where's Oscar?
Oh, he's over there
having a wonderful time
with all his friends.
His friends...
I saw one today with a
tattoo of a rat on his neck.
Oh, darling, don't feel bad.
There's a man over there
without a bone in his nose.
Poor Blanche.
Oh, come on. It'll
be a lovely party.
Come on, I'll
introduce you around.
Excuse me, aren't you
Trudy Wells, the tennis pro?
Why, yes, but I'm
good at other things, too.
Let me, please...
Ooh, thank you.
I just love your party.
I do, too, now.
Hey, how about
a drink, right here?
Oh, gee, I'd love one,
but I have a very
strict tennis coach.
Yeah, I'll bet he said
you shouldn't wear lace
panties at Forrest Hills, too.
I just love this dip. Mm.
What are these
little black things?
Oh, those are
Oscar's cigar ashes.
Poor Blanche.
(laughing raucously): Oh...!
You're silly.
Look at Oscar over there.
Isn't he cute when he
gets around a pretty girl?
You mean you're not jealous?
Of Oscar?
No. Why should I be?
Well, I, I'm the last guy in
the world to pass on gossip,
but that girl's got a
terrible reputation.
She broke up a marriage
on The Newlywed Game.
Darling, if a husband and wife
can't trust each other,
what do they have?
You're some kind
of girl, Blanche.
MAN: Hey, it's almost midnight.
(crowd clamoring)
Excuse me.
Are you gonna get
the noisemakers?
Save me a roll-out tweeter
noisemaker. You betcha.
Isn't she a wonderful hostess?
Great party.
Oscar, please.
Why not?
But you said you just
wanted to see my forehand.
I do. I do, and it's beautiful.
Just like the rest of you.
It's a bad bounce.
Where's my Oscar?
You know what?
He hides every New Year's Eve.
He hid last year.
Where did you find him?
In Cleveland.
(laughing) Doesn't she have
a wonderful sense of humor?
Oscar... Oscar, darling.
Where are you?
Oscar... Pass those
out. Blanche. Blanche.
You're just terrible.
I think it's my serve.
And the score is 15-love.
(giggling)
Why don't you tell
her the real score,
45 and out of gas.
Blanche.
Oscar, how could you?
Blanche, you don't understand.
It was nothing.
Your kisses usually are.
Poor Blanche.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say good-bye.
Let me talk to my wife.
Talk? There's
nothing to talk about.
Wait, Blanche!
Felix, at least
you'll listen to me.
Oscar, I'm the last
to turn against you,
but you've not only
mortally wounded
the loveliest, most
trusting wife in the world,
but look at the way
you've wrinkled those coats.
Coat freak!
(music playing)
Felix, I didn't mean
to cheat on Blanche.
She's got to know that.
It's too late for that now.
Now, I've got to find her before
she does something drastic.
Well, what do I do?
When you see her,
get down on your knees
and thank your maker
for a wife like Blanche.
Aw, Blanche,
Blanche, pull yourself together.
Felix, do you mind, please?
Blanche, I'm sorry.
What can I do to
make it up to you?
Look, I'm on my
knees, I'm begging.
Please forgive me.
Please, Oscar, get up.
Your trousers are
getting the floor all dusty.
Great party, Blanche.
Thank you, dear.
What can I do? I'll do anything.
I'll buy you that house,
I'll even turn neat.
I'm sorry, Oscar, it's
too late for all that.
My words exactly.
MAN: Hey,
everybody, it's midnight!
(cheering, horns blow)
♪ ...old acquaintance
be forgot and... ♪
Everybody, hold it, hold it!
I'm sorry, you'll have
to go somewhere else
to ring in a Happy New
Year. The party's over.
GROUP: Poor Blanche.
(laughing)
You've got to be kidding.
That blonde was nothing.
I took her out
after we broke up.
Never let sleeping
dogs lie, do you, Oscar?
Come on, Blanche, you've
got the story all wrong.
Sure, we broke up
for good that night,
but it was your
fault. My fault?!
Are you gonna sit there,
are you gonna tell me
you don't really
remember what happened?
Tell me your version.
I'd like to hear it
told with a full mouth.
Okay.
It was a good party.
The room was filled with
good friends, good booze
and good spirits, but you,
baby, you were impossible.
You were a... like a
deranged Carmen Miranda.
♪ La cucaracha, la cucharacha ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪
♪ Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
(cheering)
Excuse me.
Oh, I just love your friends.
Honey, it's almost midnight,
don't you think we ought to
hand out the noisemakers?
Yes, sweetheart, you do that.
Yeah, but I don't know
where they are, darling.
They're in the closet.
The one with the
pointy head is yours.
(laughing)
(doorbell buzzes)
Honey, there's the door.
Let's answer it together.
You get it.
I have a few little
things to answer here.
(laughing) Try to
have a good time, dear.
♪ La cucaracha,
la cucaracha... ♪
Hello, Felix, how are you?
My sinuses are killing me.
I promise you I
won't ruin your party.
(honks)
Is it midnight?
BLANCHE: This is
the kind of party I love!
Men! Men!
Look at Blanche.
Look at that dress
she's not wearing.
It's quite an
attention grabber...
and it's getting a
lot of grabs, too.
Yay!
Carry me into the kitchen!
To the kitchen!
Everybody in the kitchen.
Pretty rough, huh, kid?
It's no picnic.
You poor guy.
You deserve better.
I try to be nice, but...
Oscar, I'm the last
man in the world
to offer unsolicited advice,
but maybe she's not for you.
Maybe you're right, Felix.
After all, I'm only a guy.
I'm not God.
Oscar Madison,
my favorite sportswriter.
She's not for you either, Oscar.
Trudy Wells, you
know Felix Unger?
How do you do?
Little Trudy's been
waiting all night for you
to pay her a little attention...
Honey, now, you've
been drinking a lot.
You know what
martinis do to you.
Oh, they get me drunk.
That's why I drink 'em.
Give me your glass.
No!
Pretty please?
No, no, no, no!
Oh, go ahead, Trudy, do it.
Oh, no, this one's
for you, Oscar.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
What do I do now?
Should I get her a coaster?
I'll get her to the bedroom
and have her take a nap, okay?
Good idea.
I'll turn down the bed.
No, no, no, I don't want
to mess up the party.
You get Blanche
and have her hand out
the noisemakers, will you?
You're some kind of guy, Oscar.
Blanche is lucky to
have a husband like you.
Thank you, Felix. Thank you.
ALL: It's a great party!
Beautiful! Great!
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're a beautiful guy, Oscar.
♪ Da, da, da! ♪
♪ Da, da, da, ta! ♪
♪ Da, da, da, ta! ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Ra, da, da, da, ta! ♪
♪ Ra, da, da, ta! ♪
Join us, join us,
darling. Join us!
Such a dusty dance.
Trudy, no, please!
I gotta... please!
I want to take you for a ride.
Excuse me.
I was just putting her down.
You've been putting
me down for nine years.
It never looked like that.
What happened?
Was it a bad serve?
Stay on your back,
sweetie. It's your best side.
Felix!
Oh, Oscar, she's doing
you a terrible injustice.
I know. We've got to
go straighten her out.
Right, but first, let me
straighten out these coats.
(funky R&B playing)
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Did you ever see
such an unreasonably
jealous woman?
And for no reason.
I know. I've got to find
her and set her straight.
Oscar, you're a saint. A saint.
Blanche!
Oscar!
Excuse me, folks. It
wasn't my fault, Oscar.
I just came here
for a piece of ice.
She's not for you.
Oh, Oscar, I'm so ashamed!
Because you got caught?
You tell it to the Goldfarbs!
Our lawyers?!
Yeah. You take a
Goldfarb, I'll take a Goldfarb
and I'll meet you in court!
I don't want a Goldfarb, Oscar.
I want you to forgive
me, please?! I beg you!
The good Lord and
Felix, they know I've tried,
but you're just not for me.
Please.
Oh, Oscar, please.
I'll try to be nice!
I'll learn to litter!
Get up, Blanche. You're
getting linoleum burns.
Felix.
I'm sorry, Blanche.
You had it coming.
What should I do, Felix?
While you're down
there on your knees,
thank your maker for
a husband like Oscar.
MAN: Hey,
everybody, it's midnight!
ALL: ♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to... ♪
(singing ceases)
No, no, though a terrible,
terrible thing has happened,
I want all of you, my friends,
to continue to have a good time.
I want everybody to have
a good time, everybody!
But me!
Oscar, the only football
player I ever touched
was a Ram fullback
who ran out of bounds
and stepped on
me with his cleats!
A likely story. You're
gonna tell me...
Everybody...
Hi, you two. How's it going?
That well, huh?
We seem to have trouble
remembering the events
of a certain evening.
She has trouble remem...
I'm glad you're here.
You remember the
New Year's Eve party,
the one where I blew
the whistle on Blanche?
That's his version.
In my version,
the only thing he
blew was our marriage.
Do I remember?
That is the most vivid
night in my entire memory...
even if I was doomed to failure.
What failure?
What else?
Keeping you two from making
such a terrible mistake.
I remember how I felt
that night, how up I was.
It was New Year's Eve and
I felt like a million dollars.
I arrived late
because I'd been to two
or three parties before,
but I had to be with
you two at midnight.
Oh what a party it was.
Boy, what a dull party!
Is Felix coming?
OSCAR: Yeah, he'll be here soon.
Yeah, where's Felix?
That's what this party needs...
(all assenting)
(doorbell buzzing)
Happy New Year!!!
(all cheering)
Feliz nuevo ano!
Gluchlict Neu Yahr!
Bonne Noël!
(all cheering)
Ah, guy's got a million of 'em!
He's an international wit!
Oh, Felix!
Ah, Blanche!
Ah, Blanche, don't
you look lovely!
Oh, you always know
exactly what to say
to make a woman
feel like a woman.
Hey, speaking of woman,
where's your woman?
I'm solo tonight.
You're kidding. You never...
Oh, I should've known.
Look at the way they go for him.
(laughter)
I want to thank you for
that great Christmas gift.
Oh, yes, a humidifier,
so we can breathe pure air.
If you can't breathe outside,
at least you'll be
able to breathe inside.
(all laugh)
What a mind!
He does topical humor, too!
WOMEN: Oh...!
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I see you
invited Trudy Wells,
the famous tennis champ.
Yes, do you know her?
Everybody knows her.
She's broken up more marriages
than Monday Night Football.
Oh, you silly thing.
I've got to get out
the noisemakers.
It's almost midnight.
Excuse me, girls.
Girls, girls, I'll be
back, I promise.
Hey, kids, where
are you two going?
I don't know. Wherever
he's taking me.
I'm a follower.
I'm taking her for a nap.
Whenever she
nips, she's gotta nap,
and she's nipped.
So, nappy nap!
Oscar? What?
Willpower.
Oh... Who's Will Power?
Felix, where did
Oscar disappear to?
I couldn't say.
I need him to help me
hand out the goodies, darling.
He's already
getting the goodies.
He doesn't need any
help with the goodies.
That would turn out baddies.
Felix, what are
you talking about?
Blanche, don't go back there.
Blanche, if you go back,
go back with an open mind!
I don't think...
Cheese it, Oscar!
We're going to see the sandman.
Oscar!
Are you the sandman?
No, I'm the sandman's
wife, and I'm going to sprinkle
a little poison in
your eyes, dear.
Oh, my goodness.
I bet you think there's
something wrong.
I'll take that bet.
Wow, she's really sore.
How did she know I was in here?
It, it couldn't be
anything I said.
What did you say?
I told her not to come
back here, Oscar.
I said if she did go in, to
go in with an open mind.
I yelled "Cheese it, Oscar".
You yelled, "Cheese
it, Oscar"?! Thanks a lot.
Now I know how
much trouble I'm in.
Why is it every time
you want to help me,
you end up hurting me?
You're like a
vicious St. Bernard!
See what happens when
you try to help people?
(sniffles)
(honks)
Happy New Year!
I just don't know what to do.
Aw, Blanche...
OSCAR: Some of these
kids coming up from colleges,
it's going to be a whole
different ball game.
They're getting different
patterns, you know?
They're going in more,
they're going out more.
The passes, they're not
able to read the defense...
Hey, uh, did you see Blanche?
Yes, she's in the kitchen.
There's a kid coming
up, I think, is gonna be...
You saw her in the kitchen?
Yeah. She wouldn't
accept my apology,
but I'll straighten
her out later.
This kid is really something.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
You, you did see
her in the kitchen?
Yeah.
And that... that
doesn't bother you?
What's it bother me, that
she's fixing a noisemaker?
That's what you call him, huh?
Call who?
The vicious St.
Bernard says no more.
I'm going to take a look.
No, don't go in there, Oscar!
Why not?
No, no. If you go in,
go in with an open mind.
Get out of my...
Cheese it, Blanche!
Blanche!
How could you?!
What are you talking about?
You, out of the huddle!
And you, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!
Oh, sure, the best
form of defense is attack.
I don't have anything to defend.
I know nothing
happened in the bedroom.
I saw what was happening here!
People, people, it's a
terrible misunderstanding.
You're both such
wonderful people.
Sure, he plays a great
game of tennis on a mattress.
Look who's talking!
The Sensuous
Woman of the Kitchen.
I never did trust you.
You had those beady little eyes!
That's not beady,
that's a wince.
It's been there since
the day we were married!
You don't have to stay
married, sweetheart.
People, people, please!
Aw, shut up! Aw, shut up!
Why don't you get out of here!
Get out of here! Mind
your own business, will ya?!
Instead of yelling at me,
the two of you should
be down on your knees
thanking your maker
for a friend like me.
MAN: Hey,
everybody, it's midnight!
(all cheering, blowing horns)
Happy New Year!
♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to... ♪
I tried to talk to them,
but I'm afraid
it's, it's no use.
The party's over.
(all groan)
Believe me, I did
everything in my power
to hold those two
people together.
Now... Just go home!
It's just...
ALL: Poor Felix...
What are you staring
at me like that for?
The way I described it,
that's the way it happened.
The gospel according
to Saint Felix.
That's very funny,
but if you two had
listened to me that night,
you'd never have got a divorce.
Felix, we never
belonged together.
No, no, no, no, wrong!
You do belong together.
You love each other,
and leave it to me,
I'm going to get the two
of you back together again.
Now we'll eat.
The meal is on me.
So's the wine.