The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 20 - Good, Bad Boy - full transcript

Here we are.

Come on in. Come on in, Mike.

Come on in.

Oscar!

Hope he's home.

Oscar!

It's me, Felix.

I'm home.

OSCAR: Still living here, huh?

Yeah.

He's kidding.



Where are you?

OSCAR: In my bedroom.

Oh, he's in his room.

I better not take you in there.

Why?

You've heard of pollution? Yeah.

It started in there.

Make yourself at home.

Sit down, sit down
anywhere you want.

There's a good
chair... Sit there.

You'll like it there...

No, sit here on the
sofa... This is better.

It's more comfortable.

Just make yourself at home.



Have a piece of fruit.

Be sure you take...
take a napkin with it

and then... whatever you want,

then eat the fruit, and
then sit down over here.

Use the napkin, make
yourself completely at home.

Just do whatever you want, yeah.

Oscar? Yeah.

Hi! Hi.

Ah, putting on
your trousers, huh?

Yeah, I gotta cover the
basketball game at the Garden.

Ahhh!

You changed your shirt.

No, same one I wore yesterday.

No, I mean the one on the lamp.

Looks nice,

gives the room a
nice, soft, pink glow.

I like it. Very funny.

What's on your
mind? I'm in a hurry.

Oh, you have to go cover
the basketball game, huh?

Yeah. The Hawks?

No, the Knicks. The
Knicks and the Hawks?

The Knicks and the Bucks.
The Bucks and the Hawks.

The Knicks and the
Bucks. Yeah, yeah.

You're trying to act
concerned, what is it?

You want to con me out
of something, what is it?

My eyes give me
away, don't they?

I'd like to give you away.

(laughing heartily)

There, there is something
I want to talk to you about.

That's what I
figured. What is it?

Well, you know,
I've been doing this,

this picture story over at
the Eastside School for Boys.

The reform school.

No, that's not nice...
Reform school.

They call it
correctional institution.

Yeah? You found a pair, huh?

Yeah.

What do they call the little
inmates now... moppets?

Oh no, come on,
they're nice boys.

They're just boys
who need a break.

Okay, I'll send 'em a hacksaw.

I'm in a hurry.
There's this one boy,

Mike Calahan, he
really is a deserving kid,

he's a nice kid.

He's got off to the
wrong start in life.

He has a negative,
negative attitude, you know.

He needs... I can't watch this.

Just...

Are you finished?
Yeah, I'm finished.

He needs an adult on the outside

to take an interest in him.

Someone he can relate
to, you know what I mean?

So, I... Right, so,

Felix Goodshoes
volunteered for the job.

I think it's very good

and very commendable.
Not exactly.

Um, I volunteered you.

What?!

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Are you out of your mind?

Signing me up as a
warden for a delinquent kid?

Shh, shh, shh! What shh-shh-shh?

He's out... he'll hear you.

He's right out there,
in the other room.

You mean, he escaped?

He's in my custody
for the afternoon.

Oh, that's terrific.

Now, I told him that
you'd spend a few hours

with him. Felix, I can't.

I told you I got to cover

the basketball game.
Oh, that's wonderful!

Take him with you.

I'm in the press box!

Great, the press box. You
need special permission.

You got to arrange it in advance

to bring a guest.
The kid loves sports!

He lives and breathes sports.

He's a great athlete.

He can run the hundred
yards in ten seconds flat!

Carrying a television set?

Come on, meet
him. Felix, I can't.

Meet the boy. All
right, I'll meet him.

You'll see, you'll like him.

FELIX: Mike? Yes, Mr. Unger?

Mike, I want you to
meet Oscar Madison.

Oscar, this is Michael Robert

Calahan, Junior. Hi. How
are ya? Nice to meet you.

Sorry, I can't stay; I gotta

cover a basketball game.
Knicks and the Bucks

Aha! Knicks and the Bucks
and the Hawks, you see?

Just the Knicks and the Bucks.

Well, nice to have
met you. Yeah, thanks.

Hey, I've got a
quarter on the Knicks.

They can't lose.
Ah. Kid gambles.

You bet against Alcindor?

He's worth 40 points a game.

Yeah, but Earl the Pearl

and Frazier'll double-team him.

They'll tie him up.

And the Knicks got
the full-court press, too.

See that? "Tie him
up. Full court press."

Hey.

I wrote a whole article
about that this morning.

I know, I read it.

No kiddin'.

I read your column
every morning.

You see that? Really.

Yeah, with the
reading of the column,

and the Knicks and the
Bucks and the gambling...

With a dirty shirt,
he could be you.

(laughing)

Well, I guess...

I guess you better
push off, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, listen, what are you
guys going to be doing?

Oh, don't worry about us.

We'll have a ball.

We'll make some cocoa.

Play some records.

You like Brahms?

That sounds like
a barrel of fun...

Listen, why don't you
let Mike come with me?

Oh, I don't know. There
probably aren't any seats left.

Maybe I'll find one
for him, I'll, you know,

I'll see; what I'll
do, I'll push around.

Well, it's up to Mike.
What do you say, Mike?

You wanna? Sure would! Yeah!

Oh, well, come on.

Let's go, what
are we waiting for?

Thanks. See you
later, Felix. Have fun.

Okay. Yeah? Oscar...

This is a very, very
fine thing you're doing.

No, you're really doing
something nice for the boy.

And he'll remember.

And, someday, he'll come back...

And rob me.

(crowd cheering, whistling)

Did you see how
Frazier was faking?

I could see everything
from the press box.

Hey, press box.

You didn't tell me you
took him... Forget it, will ya?

Just get in the...
Let's go, let's go!

He faked with his
shoulder, with the shoulder.

Hey, watch what you're doing!

Come on, watch the furniture.

Oh, forget the furniture.

To have fun, you don't have
to knock everything over.

All right, come on, get into
position. Let's go, let's go!

Here we go. Come on, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come
on, come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want to play or
don't you want to play?

Now get into position.

Come on.

There we go.

I don't like it when
you hit me in the face.

I'm not a backstop, you know.

You guys got a
good team at school?

Not really. Every
time we get a tall guy,

he goes over the
wall. (doorbell buzzes)

Basket, answer the door.

Let's go.

Chaplain, I didn't
realize how late it was.

Uh, Mr. Unger, how are you?

Chaplain Muldoon, Oscar Madison.

Oh, yes, I read
your column often.

And did you have a
good time this afternoon?

I sure did.

Good. Mike, we better be going.

Don't forget the
autographed picture

of the Knicks in my room.

Have to leave so soon?

Well, I've got to get
the boy back for supper.

It's 6:00. Hey, Mike,

how's the food
over there? It's great.

I'm the chaplain, I can't lie.

The food is...

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you let Mr. Unger
and I take him out for dinner.

We'll take him to
the school afterwards.

That's a good idea.
Could I come along?

Oh, we'd love to
have you... would you?

No, I'm only joking.

But Mike would love it.

So have him in before 10:00.

It's lights out.

You're sure you won't
come now? No, thanks.

But you could bring
me back a doggie bag.

You got it. Bye-bye, Chaplain.

He seems like a nice
guy. Yeah, nice guy.

Hey, you know
where we'll take him?

To that steak house...

What's the matter? I can't go.

Why not?

I promised Edna
I'd take her shopping

for new clothes this afternoon.

Well, anyway, I'll
take him myself.

I'll bet you he hasn't
seen a steak in a long time.

Let me try to make a basket.

I don't have time.
I want to shoot.

No, I got to get dressed.

Didn't I stand... wasn't
I a basket for you?!

Why can't you be
a basket for me?

Okay, one minute.

All right, let's go. Here we go.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go, here we go.

All right, come on.

No "One, Two, Three, O'Leary"!

Come on and shoot it.

I feel like a pregnant
woman here.

What are you doing?

They're double-teaming me.

Oh! Oh! What happened?
What happened?

I was fouled.

I get a free throw.

Okay, come on.

What is that on the carpet?

That's because you're
dribbling so much.

Now come on.

You know, I've
noticed in free throws,

they do one of three things:

they do it underhand like that,

or off the chest like that

or sometimes one hand like that.

What should I do? Shoot!

Daddy, they fit perfectly.

You're going to
wear that to school?

Well, of course.

If I don't, I'll look freaky.

What's the matter?

Nothing, I just...

I just can't get
used to the idea

of my little angel looking
like one of the Dirty Dozen.

Shouldn't have made
me have all that pie, too.

You're a growing boy.

Hey, Mike. Hi, Uncle Oscar.

Mike, this is my daughter,

Edna... you don't
have to salute.

Hi, Mike.

FELIX: How was dinner?

Oh, it was terrific.

Uncle Oscar took me to a joint

where they got
terrific chili dogs

and garlic pizza.

Oh, my, them's eats.

Everything a growing boy
needs to get bad breath.

Oh, Mike, my dad just
bought me some new records.

Want to hear 'em? Sure,
I guess so. If it's okay.

Oh, you kids, wait a second.
I want you to hear something.

I've got a new record of
Mahler's Kindertotenlieder.

It's a little bit morbid, but I
think you kids... Felix, Felix.

Can I see you for a
second, please? What?

Very important, I
want to talk to you.

Come on, come
here, I'll tell you.

Come here.

Come in here. What?

What is it with
the "Kindertoler"?!

The kids want to hear rock.

What do they want to
hear junk like that for?

What do you mean
junk? They love it.

Ah, ha, ha.

What does that
mean, "Ha, ha, ha, ha"?

Well, Mike called you
Uncle Oscar, didn't he?

That doesn't mean anything.

He called a cab driver
Uncle Cab Driver.

No, no, it means
that he likes you.

And you like him.

You've got a heart, after all.

I got a heart and I like...

He seems like a nice
kid and he seems honest.

He's the first kid I've ever
been able to get along with.

You think it's
because he's a thief?

Because he needs you.

Gee, Lucky Lindy made it.

Oh...!

You've got a real
feeling for the underdog.

No kidding. I'm proud of you.

Thank you. I don't know.

I don't want to get too chummy

because he does have a record

and maybe I'm doing...
What are you saying?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Honestly... What?

A man who's had the breaks,

the opportunities that you've
had in life, to deny those...

All that kid needs is trust,
someone to believe in him.

When I look at that kid, I say,

"There but for the
grace of God go I."

Daddy, guess what?

I told you never to come
in here until you're 21.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

But anyway, Mike is
having a dance at his school

and he wants me to be his date.

You see, that's what I mean
by the power of rehabilitation.

I never saw that kid
before this afternoon.

I trusted him.

I brought him to my home.

I introduced him to my daughter

and he invited her to a dance.

If that little crook thinks
he's taking my daughter...

Oh, sure, Gloria,
that's perfectly okay.

Stay another night.

Yeah, fine.

Oh, she's having a ball.

Yeah.

Yeah, just a minute.

I'll let you... yeah, sure.

Say good night to
Mommy. Good night, Mom.

Did you hear that?

Now, she's just
a little bit tired out

from all the fun she's having.

Yeah, don't worry about a thing.

Okay, fine.

Gloria, stay away
from fried foods.

Right, bye-bye.

Dad, can I go to bed now?

Of course, dear.

Don't be blue.

I know you're unhappy because
you can't go to the dance.

But remember, growing
up is painful sometimes.

But pain is nature's
way of making us mature.

Good night, honey.

Oh, boy, oh boy,
oh boy, oh, boy.

I tell you, it's no
joke being a father,

but with a daughter
like Edna, it's really...

Look, I know she's
upset right now...

Oscar.

Oscar, I'm trying to
communicate with you.

I don't communicate
with hypocrites.

Who's a hypocrite?

You're a hypocrite.
You hypocrite!

I'm not a hypocrite!

All that eyewash about
giving Mike a hand.

I'm not letting my little
princess go to some wild party

at a reform school.

Correctional
institution, hypocrite.

Oh, that's just a fancy
expression, and you know it.

She's not ready for
that wild crowd yet.

They'll meet in ten years when
she becomes a policewoman.

This is her first date.

I want it to be
something special.

Felix, this is
something special.

You know what I mean.

I want the fellow to be
clean-cut and cultured,

a little bit shy perhaps, but
with a twinkle in his eye...

Youthful but with
an aristocratic air.

There's a law against
dating your own daughter.

She's so young...
She's just a baby.

She's innocent.

These kids are wild, Oscar.

Felix, she is no dummy.
She knows the score.

Doesn't she know the score?

You mean that filth about
the birds and the bees?

She doesn't know the score.

She doesn't even know
there's a game on, does she?

She's only 12 years old.

Felix, in Africa, they have tribes
that have 12-year-old grandmothers.

Bite your tongue.

Look, would you feel better
if she knew the facts of life?

Well, I... All right,
get Gloria to tell her.

No.

Why not? Gloria told you.

Gloria's out of town.

All right, then you tell her.

Oh no, no, no, I'll tell her.

You let her go
and I'll tell her.

That's the way...

Wait, what are you
going to tell her?

Well, did you see Lolita?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm kidding. I'm only kidding.

I tell you... What?

I want her to understand,
so tell her the truth.

But don't make it so
graphic that it'll shock her.

I want you to be blunt...
The whole thing... but subtle.

I want her to be confused.

I don't get it.

Okay, let's forget about
Mr. Bunny and Mrs. Bunny

and what happened
in the lettuce...

A girl is like a
baseball diamond...

Yes.

And the bad man at bat is
going to try to score a run.

And we can't let that happen.

See, if the guy gets to first
base... mustn't let that happen.

No, so you've got to strike him
out so he never gets to first base.

Yeah, see, if he
gets to first base,

he'll try to steal second.

Oh.

So that's when
you call the umpire.

And you know who that is?

I don't know.

I'm the umpire.

And I walk up to that
slugger and say, "You're out.

Get off the field."

You understand?

Yeah, it's a lot like sex.

(honking)

Good night, darling;
good night, good night.

Sleep tight,
darling. Sleep tight.

Oscar, she said the word.

What word?

(whispers): Sex.

Yeah, and if a baseball player

tries to take her out

he's going to
have a terrible time.

How did she know?
How did she find out?

What are you talking about?

She's no dummy...
She's a sensible girl.

Felix, you forgot to tell her
she can go to the dance.

No, no, that's out.
What do you mean no?

Absolutely out. How could
you say that? You promised.

My little baby knows
about (whispers): sex.

Felix, the whole world
knows about... (whispers): sex.

It's a very, very
dangerous situation.

Oh, Felix, you've got
to let her go to the...

I guarantee you
nothing's going to happen.

How can you do that?

Well, I, I'll
personally- personally

I will chaperone the
dance, how about that?

Well, no, I, I... Oh, come on.

Look, I'm your best friend.

Would I let anything
happen to Edna?

I... Would I?

No. Of course not.

Look, I'm gonna guarantee
you that nothing can happen.

I'm going to prove it right now.

What's this? This is my marker.

Your marker? Marker.

If anything happens to
Edna, I owe you one daughter.

This is meaningless.

Why?

You didn't sign it.

(rock music playing)

Hey, Mike. How's it going?

Okay, I guess, Mr. Madison.

Only I wonder what's taking
Edna so long to get here.

You'd be late too, if your father
made you wear a bullet-proof vest.

Don't worry, she'll
be here any minute.

(with hoodlum voice): Buddy,
Louie gets the chair at midnight.

You, uh... got any
messages for him?

(with hoodlum voice):
Yeah. Tell him not to sit down.

And listen, if these
cookies aren't any good,

I'm gonna have my goons
work you over, you got it?

Got it, Mr. M.

Your buddy's got a great
sense of humor. What's he in for?

Nothing. He's the warden's son.

Oh look, there she is.

Hi, Edna.

Hi, Mike.

Edna, a lady does not wave.

It's flashy.

And when flashiness
comes in the door,

femininity goes out the window.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Hey, want to meet some of
the guys... maybe have a dance?

Edna promised
me the first dance.

OSCAR: Only if it's a minuet.

Go ahead, dance.
Have a good time.

Remember the umpire
has not said, "play ball."

Felix, cool it, will ya?
Everything's going to be fine.

She's going to be just great.

I hope so; it's the
only thing I live for.

Believe me, it's
going to be fine.

Sit here, relax, I'll get
you some punch, all right?

(with hoodlum voice): You,
uh, want a goodie, Mac?

Thank you.

The, uh, the key's
in the cupcake.

What?

That's the key to the back gate.

See, we break out at 10:05,
when the screws change the guard.

Keep your motor
running. If they spot ya,

use your heater.

Felix, don't let the ice melt.

That kid... What?

He's planning a breakout.

I've got the key in my cupcake.

That kid? Yes.

Felix, if I ever want to sell
a bridge, let me look you up.

(trumpet blowing "Call to Post")

Yes, thank you, Charlie.

Let's have it quiet, everybody.

And now, I would like
to welcome all of you

to our dance... And
a very special thanks

to the young ladies for
coming down here today.

Now I would like to introduce
some of the gentlemen

that have come down
here to lend us a hand...

Mr. T.J. Carter,
Mr. Armand Horowitz,

and a very special hello
to Mr. Oscar Madison,

our chief chaperone
for the evening

and a very well-known
sportswriter.

ALL: Speech.

I'm not going to make a speech

'cause I'm a great
believer in short sentences.

(laughing)

CHAPLAIN: Thank you. And now,

I'd like to have you meet
a friend of Mr. Madison's...

A gentleman I'm
sure many of you know

for his photographic work on
the premises, Mr. Felix Unger.

Thank you, Padre.

It's a great pleasure to
be here with you again.

It was fun photographing you.

I have excellent shots of
each and every boy here.

Anybody could
instantly identify you.

Felix, will you
get off the stage?

I trust them. I just
want them to know that.

Let's go then, come on.

Edna? Where's Edna?

Edna, can you hear my voice?!

Daddy!

Daddy, I'm here.

Oh. Felix, will
you...? Hit it, Charlie.

(trumpet playing "Call to Post")
What kind of parent would I be if I...?

(rock music playing)

(slow, sultry jazz playing)

OSCAR: Greatest
fight I've ever seen...

I'd have to say it was
between two hatcheck girls

at the Copacabana. (laughing)

You want some
punch? CHARLIE: Yeah.

Oscar, Oscar, look, look, look!

Come here. What, what?

This bar just came
out of the window there.

What shall I do? Put it back.

Chaplain, I'm sorry to interrupt

your benediction.
What benediction?

This bar... I'm counting heads.

This bar just came
out of the window.

Well, put it back.

17, 18, 19, 20...

Why are you counting?

Because I either counted
wrong, or I'm missing a few.

Who's missing?

Mike Callahan for
one... Mike Callahan?

Uh-huh. He's with Edna.

Well, I don't see them.

He ran off with my little girl.

(honks)

This is your responsibility.
I have your marker.

Well, take it easy. I saw
them here... Where? Where?

Over there, right over there...

It's a bust-out. Nobody move.

Nobody move!

I'm placing this entire
room under citizen's arrest!

Mr. Unger, control yourself.

You, search the laundry truck.

(honking) What's
the matter with you?

You, cupcake, spill your guts.

And you, pray.

Hey, I've got an announcement
to make, you know.

Felix, let him make the
announcement, please.

What, the ransom?
Oh, cut it out.

By unanimous vote,

we, the residents of
Eastside School for Boys

have selected the Queen
of our Annual Dance.

(hoodlum voice): That's the dame
you'd most like to break out with...

Edna Unger!

(trumpet playing "Call to Post")

Let's hear it for them.

Brava! Brava! Bravissima!

Speech!

Daddy!

Gee, I'm... I'm really
terrifically honored

by this honor.

Thank you.

And specially, thanks to
my father for letting me come.

No. Nobody deserves
special thanks

for the kind of compassion
we all... Hit it, Charlie.

(trumpet playing "Call to Post")

And now, Your Majesty, the
grand dance of the evening.

You may select the
partner of your choice.

I promised.

Thank you, Your Highness.

(slow, gentle music playing)

Your turn.

May I cut in?

Later.

Felix.

She's not a little girl
anymore... she's a woman.

Why not?

She takes after her parents.

Her father's an old lady.

I had a wonderful time.

(kisses)

Come on, Felix, if
you're going to fall apart

every time she does something,

you'll end up in the Manhattan
Home for the Strange.

Oh, I can't help it.

(groans)

I'll never forget...

my first date.

Her name was Mildred Fleener.

My father let me take the car.

Dropped by the florist,

picked up her corsage
in that box, you know,

with the cellophane on top.

Went by her house...
her mother let me in.

Said I looked clean.

And she pinned on the corsage
and we went to the dance.

It was just so... And
I took her home...

I didn't try to kiss her
or anything like that.

I was a perfect gentleman.

I've never forgotten it.

I bet she did.