The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 19 - Partner's Investment - full transcript
(snoring)
(snoring continues)
Felix?
Caught me, didn't you?
Caught you what?
Stealing your money.
Don't worry.
Go back to sleep.
You still have half an hour.
Okay.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
Felix?
Hi, Oscar.
H-Hey, you're up early.
Want some eggs?
I want some answers. Yeah?
What, what, w-what...
What? What...
You're not making any sense.
I'll be more explicit.
Yeah.
What, what, what, what...
(laughing): What?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Did I see you taking
money from my pocket?
(laughing): Yes.
I did?
Yes.
I mean, you were
stealing money from me.
That's what I saw? Yes.
Yes, that's your confession.
You're a thief, yes? Yes? Yes.
You want some eggs?
You're gonna be
an egg in a minute.
Why are you stealing
money from me?
If you're going to
shout at me like that,
I won't even
discuss it with you.
I'm sorry.
How long has this been going on?
About two years.
Two years?
(both laughing)
Drink your juice.
No, it gives me
acid indigestion.
And how much have you stolen?
Mm... about $2,000.
Two... You got a pit.
Yeah.
$2,000. (laughing)
What did you spend it on?
Hmm?
What? Tissues, vacuum cleaners?
How dare you.
How dare me?
To accuse me of pilferage
for personal aggrandizement.
Well, what did you
do with the money?
Give it to nasal research?
I-I'd hate to be like you.
I really would.
You're so suspicious.
I was saving it for you.
You put it away for me.
Yep.
Oh, you were saving
it for me for my future?
Yes. How dare you.
Give me the money.
I don't have the money on me.
It's in the bank. What bank?
First Federal Savings and Loan.
It's earning interest every day.
Except tomorrow.
Whose name is it
on, yours or mine?
Well, yours, of course.
It wouldn't be ethical
to put it in my name.
Oh, tell me about ethics,
sneak-in-the-night
thief-through-the-pockets.
Who are you calling?
The bank isn't open at
this hour of the morning.
Hello, let me talk
to Harry, please.
It's Oscar Madison. Who's Harry?
You'll see. Which Harry?
Hello, Harry.
Listen, I got two dollars in
the fifth on Redneck, right?
That Harry.
But now I've got $2,002...
No, no, no!
I always cover the bet, don't I?
You're not going to blow
this money on a horse.
I worked hard to get that money.
You think I like going
into your room every night?
Let that be a lesson to you.
What? Crime doesn't pay.
TV ANNOUNCER: And around the clubhouse
turn, it's Redneck and Tumbleweed.
Come on, Redneck.
Come on, Redneck.
It's Tumbleweed and Redneck.
Come on, Redneck!
Which horse is yours?
Now around the far turn,
coming into the stretch,
they're nose to nose.
I wish my horse had your nose.
And here comes Red
Dog on the outside.
All right, Red Dog!
No, Redneck.
Well, why did they put two
"Red" horses in the same race?
And they both look brown to me.
Let me adjust the color.
Now it's Red Dog and
Redneck... Come on, Redneck.
Redneck and Red Dog... Redneck!
Red Dog and Redneck...
Redneck and Red Dog...
and here comes Aunt
Bee on the outside.
Aunt Bee, now
that's a nice name.
It's Red Dog, Redneck, Red
Dog, Redneck, and the winner is...
Redneck! Redneck!
What a race!
I won! I won! You won!
I won! I won!
I'm so happy for you, Oscar.
Now don't spend it
all in the same place.
Why not? I won it
all in the same place.
I told you to bet with
me. Why didn't you?
No, Oscar, I'm sorry, I
never bet on the ponies.
There's only one sport I bet on.
What's that?
Professional wrestling.
Hello, Harry?
O.M. here. (whistling)
Yeah, Lucky Oscar.
Listen, what did I win?
What? Wait a minute,
I can't hear you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
a mockingbird flew
through my window.
What'd he pay?
420.
I won $4,200. (whistling)
Listen, don't go away,
I'm coming right down.
What'd you say?
What? Wait a... The
mockingbird is back.
Hold it, will ya!
What?
Felix picked up the money?
How could he do that?
The horse just won the race.
He was waiting there.
And he insisted on new bills
'cause the flu is going around.
Thanks a lot,
Harry, thanks a lot.
(whistling)
Hold it, nightingale.
Felix picked up the money.
Aw, he's a swell guy.
I wish Felix was my best friend.
How do you want
him, dead or alive?
Come on, Oscar, let me go.
My squad car's been
double- parked for three hours.
Drink your milk.
Drink your milk.
How's it gonna look, a
police car with a ticket on it?
Besides, I'm being
derelict in my duties.
You're better off.
It's a rough crowd out there.
Gentlemen.
Arrest that man, Murray.
I should warn you anything
you say can be used
as evidence against you.
What's the charge?
Hijacking.
What airline?
When you find out what
I've done with your money,
you're going to be thrilled.
I'm going to give you
exactly 30 seconds
to thrill me with what
you did with my money.
I invested it. In what?
In something as solid
as the Rock of Gibraltar
and rooted in the basic
needs of the American people.
What?
A Japanese restaurant.
A Japanese restaurant.
This is the Miyako Gardens.
I'd rather have the
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Take off your shoes.
Why? Is somebody sleeping?
Take off your shoes.
It's the custom here.
Don't be the ugly American.
Put your shoe back on.
Why?
You've got a hole in your sock.
Felix, I don't like
Japanese foods.
I don't know anything
about a restaurant.
You don't have to
know anything about it.
You're a silent partner.
Watch this guy.
This is the authentic
Japanese cooking.
They prepare the
food at the table.
Can't they afford a kitchen?
Felix, give me my money back
or I'm gonna call the bunco squad.
Will you sit down with me?
Take the seza position.
Are we going to pray?
What is that?
Ah... Arigato.
Hello, Regato. Hello.
Hot towel! Of course it's hot.
Wipe your hands. It's hot.
I washed my hands
before I came here.
Arigato.
Bye, Regato.
Yeah. Isn't that nice?
Felix...
get me out of here. Why?
I don't know anything
about this joint.
You don't have to know anything.
Would I put you into anything
that I haven't gone into myself?
I put $4,000 of my
own money in this.
Who stole the money
from your pocket?
I know how to save money.
The food here is sensational.
Then why does he have
to cut us in if it's
so great? Shh, shh.
The inscrutable Mr. Unger.
Ah, my friend, Mr. Yamada.
Yamada-san, nice to see you.
This is my friend, Mr. Madison,
the other silent
partner, Mister Yamada.
How do you do, sir? Mr. Madison,
I'm very happy to meet you.
May the wind of
change bring bird of luck.
Thank you. Welcome
to Miyako Gardens.
I'd stand up, but I'm afraid
I couldn't get down again.
Now explain your...
(speaking Japanese)
Ung-ah. Ring, ring,
ring, ring. Ung-ah.
Ung-ah?
Ah, it is telephone for
Mr. Felix Unger. Oh.
Ring, ring-a-ling, ring, ring.
Felix Unger. It
is in the kitchen.
Yes. Yamada-san?
Explain the improvements
you planned to Madison-san.
He is a nervous
sparrow in a nest of gold.
Mr. Unger is a
very fine gentleman.
In Japan, he would be considered
most honorable man.
Over here, he's
considered a pest.
Please. Nosh.
I'll tell you the
truth, Mr. Yamada,
I really don't want
to be a partner.
See, Mr. Unger had no
right to invest my money
without talking to me about it.
You see? The
flight of a lost bird
is at the mercy of the wind,
Mr. Madison. Everybody's
talking about birds,
but nobody's talking
about my four grand.
It is lost in the wind...
buying many improvements.
This is how it will be
at the end of six weeks.
Hmm. Huh?
New rooms, air-conditioning,
bigger garden.
With your money, Miyako Gardens
will become number
one Japanese restaurant
in the entire city.
Well, couldn't you be number
two and try a little harder?
FELIX: Oscar, guess what?
That was my
daughter on the phone.
She only has two cavities!
Must be that new
toothpaste we're using.
Now you know why he's
considered a pest over here.
Mr. Madison. Yes, sir?
The bird that
makes an extra egg...
(groans): Forget that. Let
me speak your language.
Without use of bird.
In this room alone,
I take in $800,
maybe $900 a week.
You're kidding? No.
Prom week, I break a thousand.
I have a take-out trade
that is dynamite with
the college crowd.
They think it is hip to eat Nip.
(both laughing)
Now, with the money
from you and Mr. Unger,
I can triple my profits
in three months,
six tops.
You like the ponies, I
hear. Oh, yeah, I love them.
Here is gambling money for you.
See, Mr. Yamada,
you talk very nice,
but if it's such a good thing,
how come you're cutting us in?
Mr. Unger and I
have been close
friends for many years.
Hey, you've been selling
him those cameras?
Not quite. No. However...
We have known
each other long time.
We met one night on a beautiful
tropical island.
I never forget. Beautiful place.
Warm breeze. Palm trees swaying.
(clanking)
MAN: Come on,
Unger, we're pulling out.
This place is
crawling with Nips.
You guys go
ahead. I'll catch up.
I'm just tidying up a little.
Yippaaah! Ah... what?!
You startled me for a
minute. I'm the only one here.
Everybody else is gone. Who you?
Unger, Felix, Second
Lieutenant, 01650295.
(grunts)
Why you here? Where others?
According to the
articles of war,
I don't have to tell
you anything more.
This article of war
want to know why you here alone?
Well, I was
policing up the area.
And I think you fellas
ought to do the same.
We passed through one of
your base camps a week ago.
The place was a mess.
Remember, this
is not our island.
We're only guests here.
(grunting)
You shut mouth. Water?
No, vichyssoise.
Vichy what?
Vichyssoise.
It's a cold potato soup
sprinkled with leeks.
Believe me, it was no easy job
to find leeks on this isl...
May I remind you that
it's a serious breach
of regulations to confiscate
personal property...
You're supposed
to sip it slowly.
It's good, isn't it, huh?
I have not eaten in week.
I have been "rost."
Lost?
"Rost."
They told us this place
was just infested with Nips...
uh, with... you people.
Don't believe
everything you hear.
They told me I'd be
making love to Betty Grable
on White House
lawn by Christmas.
Food in here?
No, no. That's just
garbage. Leave it alone, no.
I've got some food
here. I've got a fish,
I've got some vegetables.
Ah, you give me.
If you'll be patient,
I'll fix you something.
Hayako! Fast!
I can't cook with a
gun pointing at me.
Why don't you sit down
like a nice guy and relax?
How'd you get lost?
I was a Kamikaze pilot. Uh-huh.
I got nervous and
make a safe landing.
Why didn't you go back?
They only gave me one-way map.
Maybe you can be my
prisoner and come with us.
Yeah, maybe.
First, I see how I
like your cooking.
You will.
Tell me, are all
Americans like you?
No. I'm especially nice.
I feel it's important to
present America in a good light
to all our neighbors,
friendly and other wise.
Are you with the Red Cross?
No. Are they here, too?
I've seen a lot of half eaten
doughnuts around.
How do you like your fish?
Raw. Don't be silly.
You'll like it the
way I cook it.
No, I like raw.
That's a good way
to catch hepatitis.
I want raw.
Absolutely not. I'm the host.
I have gun.
I have the fish.
(shouting): You give me raw...
And that is the
first time in my life
I ever ate cooked fish.
Did you get hepatitis?
No. See, he was right again.
We have been friends ever since.
Look, Mr. Yamada,
I'm gonna level with you.
I know that you're honest
and you're sincere
and honorable,
but I had other
plans for my money.
Huh? Yeah, I want
to buy a fantastic car.
A '58 Maserati. I know where
I can get one for four grand.
I would like to invite you
to the back to my parking lot.
Why? What's there?
A brand new Maserati.
This year's model.
Which I buy from the profits
in this business. Now
you're making a lot of sense.
Ah, Yamada-san.
(speaking Japanese)
You see these four? Mm-hmm.
Steadies. Twice a week.
OSCAR: Live ones, huh?
Hey, that's nice.
Yamada-san, excuse me.
Felix, I owe you an apology.
I may owe you one.
Yamada-san, may I
speak to you please
about the condition
of your kitchen?
Of course. What
could be the problem?
Come with me, please. Did
you see his new Maserati?
If it's on the floor of
the kitchen, I've seen it.
Oh, boy.
(tapping)
Ah... you entertainment?
No, my foot went to sleep.
Look at this! There's
food everywhere.
There's meat, fish on the floor,
on the table, everywhere.
But it is dinnertime,
it's busy in here.
We'll clean everything up.
It's not the cleanliness factor,
it's the way the old
man cooks. Ah...
This is Cho San,
one of the best.
Cho San, meet Mr. Unger.
Hello, how are you?
I am fine.
He is from Stanford.
Can't you tell him not
to waste so much food?
But this is the way we
make Harusame soup.
It's our biggest seller.
Look at this! 20
percent of the food
goes on the floor.
This is waste.
Go slowly.
Put everything
in the pot neatly.
He cannot understand
you, Mr. Unger.
Then I'll speak to him
in his own language.
(speaking Japanese)
What'd he say?
He say, "You take this
whole kitchen and..."
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
But he's quitting. He's leaving.
Good. Let him go.
We'll get another cook
tomorrow. Tonight you'll cook.
Oh, no, I cannot cook.
I could not cook on Guadalcanal.
I have not improved
since. Hey, what's going on?
The old man's out
there choking a chicken!
It's nothing to
get excited about.
Nothing at all to
get excited about.
I'll cook tonight.
Send the waiter in,
I'll give him his orders.
No, no, he is gone.
He is nephew of the old man.
They are both gone, I'm sure.
Felix, what are you doing to
my investment? They both quit?
Don't worry about
it. I'll cook tonight.
You two will work as waiters.
Ha! You make mistake.
I am not waiter
here. I am boss here.
As Kurosawa say,
"You make sleeping
place, now lay in it."
Felix, he's right.
For a silent partner,
you've got a big mouth.
He's a very stubborn man.
Sir, make up with
him. You're old friends.
Go ahead.
I am now silent partner.
Don't be a bad bird.
If, as they say, we
are what we eat,
then your friend is a meatball.
Did you hear what he said?
Nothing to worry about.
Nothing. Everything's
going to be fine.
It better.
Chicken who
invest friend's money
and lose it, get "prucked"!
(clinking)
Where's Ito?
Oh, I'm replacing him tonight.
Don't worry about anything.
Everything is going to be
just as good as it always was.
Don't worry. Am I not authentic?
No, but you dangerous.
Haso.
Haso. Haso.
Haso. Hot, hot, hot!
Oh! Watch me.
Haso. Haso.
How's everything going?
Everything's going fine.
I'm making ooona.
I need some shrimp,
some crab and
some bamboo shoots.
What are you doing
with those knives?
They're big! They
want authentic food,
they're going to get it.
Felix, can't you do that
with wooden spoons?
Hey, this is great.
What is that?
Eel.
(grill sizzling)
Listen, where's
the shrimp, the crab
and the bamboo shoots?
(woman screaming)
And the first aid kit?
FELIX: It's okay, it's
all right. Keep calm.
It's just an accident.
Just an accident.
It could happen to anybody.
It was the soy oil on my hands.
We'll pay for your purse, madam.
Sit down. Sit down.
It's coming along now.
I'm getting the hang
of it. It's coming nicely...
What happened? What
happened? Nothing.
Nothing at all! Everything
is working out beautifully.
I'm getting the hang of it
now. Hey, wait'll you see
who I got to help
us. Come on in.
Tokyo Nose.
Ah, Cho San. (speaking Japanese)
I talk to you later.
Come on now,
you've got to help us. You've
got to go in and stop him.
He threw a knife in the
wall. He cut a woman's purse.
I'm telling you, if
you don't stop him,
you're gonna see the first
stainless steel samurai.
Come on, he can't
cook those dishes.
He make me lose face.
Well, if you don't help
him, you're gonna lose shirt!
It's good, huh?
Everything's fine now.
Felix, do you see the smoke?
Uh-huh, can you smell it?
They can smell it in Japan.
That's part of the meal.
What do you serve for
dessert, a fire extinguisher?
This is good. This is good.
Where's Murray? I
need some sesame oil.
Murray. Murray, quick!
I need some
sesame oil. Hurry, run.
Sesame oil. Murray!
Murray! Yeah?
These aren't bean
sprouts, those are pea pods.
I need bean sprouts.
Yeah, and hurry. Yeah.
And really hurry up.
Murray! What? What?!
You only brought me
three eggs, I need six eggs.
Three eggs, six eggs, right.
(all talking at once)
You did it again. You
had to go being a show-off.
Well, I don't think it was my
food that made them leave.
Well, you threw the knife
in the wall, that's what did it!
I'm not the one who
went through the door.
Let's put it this way: they
had no reason to stay.
Air conditioning.
Knife hole in the
wall, nice decoration.
Charcoaled eel.
No more customers,
which is okay because I
no longer have any help.
That's a nice balance.
You finally got even
for Pearl Harbor.
Is there any way we
can make it up to you?
We're sorry. It was an accident.
Look, we'll send you a check.
No, no. I'll send you a check.
Oh, no, no. We wouldn't think
of accepting payment
for tonight's work.
Felix, I don't think
he'd insist on that.
No, I meant I send you a check
to release you from your
obligations as partners.
I think I will get a
real silent partner.
Maybe Howard Hughes.
Yamada-san,
is this going to
affect our friendship?
Oh, not at all. Our
friendship is ended.
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
It was an accident. We'll leave.
We won't bother you
anymore. Terribly sorry.
I'm sorry, Yamada.
You know how I...
Before we leave, there's one
thing I did want to say to you.
These lanterns...
these are not Japanese lanterns.
These are Chinese.
(all talking at once)
(shouting in Japanese)
(snoring)
Felix?
What're you doing?
Nothing. Nothing.
You caught me again, didn't you?
What? Doing what?
Stealing your money.
Go to sleep. Go back to sleep.
(rotary dialing)
Harry?
In two years am I going
to have a bet for you.
(snoring continues)
Felix?
Caught me, didn't you?
Caught you what?
Stealing your money.
Don't worry.
Go back to sleep.
You still have half an hour.
Okay.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
Felix?
Hi, Oscar.
H-Hey, you're up early.
Want some eggs?
I want some answers. Yeah?
What, what, w-what...
What? What...
You're not making any sense.
I'll be more explicit.
Yeah.
What, what, what, what...
(laughing): What?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Did I see you taking
money from my pocket?
(laughing): Yes.
I did?
Yes.
I mean, you were
stealing money from me.
That's what I saw? Yes.
Yes, that's your confession.
You're a thief, yes? Yes? Yes.
You want some eggs?
You're gonna be
an egg in a minute.
Why are you stealing
money from me?
If you're going to
shout at me like that,
I won't even
discuss it with you.
I'm sorry.
How long has this been going on?
About two years.
Two years?
(both laughing)
Drink your juice.
No, it gives me
acid indigestion.
And how much have you stolen?
Mm... about $2,000.
Two... You got a pit.
Yeah.
$2,000. (laughing)
What did you spend it on?
Hmm?
What? Tissues, vacuum cleaners?
How dare you.
How dare me?
To accuse me of pilferage
for personal aggrandizement.
Well, what did you
do with the money?
Give it to nasal research?
I-I'd hate to be like you.
I really would.
You're so suspicious.
I was saving it for you.
You put it away for me.
Yep.
Oh, you were saving
it for me for my future?
Yes. How dare you.
Give me the money.
I don't have the money on me.
It's in the bank. What bank?
First Federal Savings and Loan.
It's earning interest every day.
Except tomorrow.
Whose name is it
on, yours or mine?
Well, yours, of course.
It wouldn't be ethical
to put it in my name.
Oh, tell me about ethics,
sneak-in-the-night
thief-through-the-pockets.
Who are you calling?
The bank isn't open at
this hour of the morning.
Hello, let me talk
to Harry, please.
It's Oscar Madison. Who's Harry?
You'll see. Which Harry?
Hello, Harry.
Listen, I got two dollars in
the fifth on Redneck, right?
That Harry.
But now I've got $2,002...
No, no, no!
I always cover the bet, don't I?
You're not going to blow
this money on a horse.
I worked hard to get that money.
You think I like going
into your room every night?
Let that be a lesson to you.
What? Crime doesn't pay.
TV ANNOUNCER: And around the clubhouse
turn, it's Redneck and Tumbleweed.
Come on, Redneck.
Come on, Redneck.
It's Tumbleweed and Redneck.
Come on, Redneck!
Which horse is yours?
Now around the far turn,
coming into the stretch,
they're nose to nose.
I wish my horse had your nose.
And here comes Red
Dog on the outside.
All right, Red Dog!
No, Redneck.
Well, why did they put two
"Red" horses in the same race?
And they both look brown to me.
Let me adjust the color.
Now it's Red Dog and
Redneck... Come on, Redneck.
Redneck and Red Dog... Redneck!
Red Dog and Redneck...
Redneck and Red Dog...
and here comes Aunt
Bee on the outside.
Aunt Bee, now
that's a nice name.
It's Red Dog, Redneck, Red
Dog, Redneck, and the winner is...
Redneck! Redneck!
What a race!
I won! I won! You won!
I won! I won!
I'm so happy for you, Oscar.
Now don't spend it
all in the same place.
Why not? I won it
all in the same place.
I told you to bet with
me. Why didn't you?
No, Oscar, I'm sorry, I
never bet on the ponies.
There's only one sport I bet on.
What's that?
Professional wrestling.
Hello, Harry?
O.M. here. (whistling)
Yeah, Lucky Oscar.
Listen, what did I win?
What? Wait a minute,
I can't hear you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
a mockingbird flew
through my window.
What'd he pay?
420.
I won $4,200. (whistling)
Listen, don't go away,
I'm coming right down.
What'd you say?
What? Wait a... The
mockingbird is back.
Hold it, will ya!
What?
Felix picked up the money?
How could he do that?
The horse just won the race.
He was waiting there.
And he insisted on new bills
'cause the flu is going around.
Thanks a lot,
Harry, thanks a lot.
(whistling)
Hold it, nightingale.
Felix picked up the money.
Aw, he's a swell guy.
I wish Felix was my best friend.
How do you want
him, dead or alive?
Come on, Oscar, let me go.
My squad car's been
double- parked for three hours.
Drink your milk.
Drink your milk.
How's it gonna look, a
police car with a ticket on it?
Besides, I'm being
derelict in my duties.
You're better off.
It's a rough crowd out there.
Gentlemen.
Arrest that man, Murray.
I should warn you anything
you say can be used
as evidence against you.
What's the charge?
Hijacking.
What airline?
When you find out what
I've done with your money,
you're going to be thrilled.
I'm going to give you
exactly 30 seconds
to thrill me with what
you did with my money.
I invested it. In what?
In something as solid
as the Rock of Gibraltar
and rooted in the basic
needs of the American people.
What?
A Japanese restaurant.
A Japanese restaurant.
This is the Miyako Gardens.
I'd rather have the
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Take off your shoes.
Why? Is somebody sleeping?
Take off your shoes.
It's the custom here.
Don't be the ugly American.
Put your shoe back on.
Why?
You've got a hole in your sock.
Felix, I don't like
Japanese foods.
I don't know anything
about a restaurant.
You don't have to
know anything about it.
You're a silent partner.
Watch this guy.
This is the authentic
Japanese cooking.
They prepare the
food at the table.
Can't they afford a kitchen?
Felix, give me my money back
or I'm gonna call the bunco squad.
Will you sit down with me?
Take the seza position.
Are we going to pray?
What is that?
Ah... Arigato.
Hello, Regato. Hello.
Hot towel! Of course it's hot.
Wipe your hands. It's hot.
I washed my hands
before I came here.
Arigato.
Bye, Regato.
Yeah. Isn't that nice?
Felix...
get me out of here. Why?
I don't know anything
about this joint.
You don't have to know anything.
Would I put you into anything
that I haven't gone into myself?
I put $4,000 of my
own money in this.
Who stole the money
from your pocket?
I know how to save money.
The food here is sensational.
Then why does he have
to cut us in if it's
so great? Shh, shh.
The inscrutable Mr. Unger.
Ah, my friend, Mr. Yamada.
Yamada-san, nice to see you.
This is my friend, Mr. Madison,
the other silent
partner, Mister Yamada.
How do you do, sir? Mr. Madison,
I'm very happy to meet you.
May the wind of
change bring bird of luck.
Thank you. Welcome
to Miyako Gardens.
I'd stand up, but I'm afraid
I couldn't get down again.
Now explain your...
(speaking Japanese)
Ung-ah. Ring, ring,
ring, ring. Ung-ah.
Ung-ah?
Ah, it is telephone for
Mr. Felix Unger. Oh.
Ring, ring-a-ling, ring, ring.
Felix Unger. It
is in the kitchen.
Yes. Yamada-san?
Explain the improvements
you planned to Madison-san.
He is a nervous
sparrow in a nest of gold.
Mr. Unger is a
very fine gentleman.
In Japan, he would be considered
most honorable man.
Over here, he's
considered a pest.
Please. Nosh.
I'll tell you the
truth, Mr. Yamada,
I really don't want
to be a partner.
See, Mr. Unger had no
right to invest my money
without talking to me about it.
You see? The
flight of a lost bird
is at the mercy of the wind,
Mr. Madison. Everybody's
talking about birds,
but nobody's talking
about my four grand.
It is lost in the wind...
buying many improvements.
This is how it will be
at the end of six weeks.
Hmm. Huh?
New rooms, air-conditioning,
bigger garden.
With your money, Miyako Gardens
will become number
one Japanese restaurant
in the entire city.
Well, couldn't you be number
two and try a little harder?
FELIX: Oscar, guess what?
That was my
daughter on the phone.
She only has two cavities!
Must be that new
toothpaste we're using.
Now you know why he's
considered a pest over here.
Mr. Madison. Yes, sir?
The bird that
makes an extra egg...
(groans): Forget that. Let
me speak your language.
Without use of bird.
In this room alone,
I take in $800,
maybe $900 a week.
You're kidding? No.
Prom week, I break a thousand.
I have a take-out trade
that is dynamite with
the college crowd.
They think it is hip to eat Nip.
(both laughing)
Now, with the money
from you and Mr. Unger,
I can triple my profits
in three months,
six tops.
You like the ponies, I
hear. Oh, yeah, I love them.
Here is gambling money for you.
See, Mr. Yamada,
you talk very nice,
but if it's such a good thing,
how come you're cutting us in?
Mr. Unger and I
have been close
friends for many years.
Hey, you've been selling
him those cameras?
Not quite. No. However...
We have known
each other long time.
We met one night on a beautiful
tropical island.
I never forget. Beautiful place.
Warm breeze. Palm trees swaying.
(clanking)
MAN: Come on,
Unger, we're pulling out.
This place is
crawling with Nips.
You guys go
ahead. I'll catch up.
I'm just tidying up a little.
Yippaaah! Ah... what?!
You startled me for a
minute. I'm the only one here.
Everybody else is gone. Who you?
Unger, Felix, Second
Lieutenant, 01650295.
(grunts)
Why you here? Where others?
According to the
articles of war,
I don't have to tell
you anything more.
This article of war
want to know why you here alone?
Well, I was
policing up the area.
And I think you fellas
ought to do the same.
We passed through one of
your base camps a week ago.
The place was a mess.
Remember, this
is not our island.
We're only guests here.
(grunting)
You shut mouth. Water?
No, vichyssoise.
Vichy what?
Vichyssoise.
It's a cold potato soup
sprinkled with leeks.
Believe me, it was no easy job
to find leeks on this isl...
May I remind you that
it's a serious breach
of regulations to confiscate
personal property...
You're supposed
to sip it slowly.
It's good, isn't it, huh?
I have not eaten in week.
I have been "rost."
Lost?
"Rost."
They told us this place
was just infested with Nips...
uh, with... you people.
Don't believe
everything you hear.
They told me I'd be
making love to Betty Grable
on White House
lawn by Christmas.
Food in here?
No, no. That's just
garbage. Leave it alone, no.
I've got some food
here. I've got a fish,
I've got some vegetables.
Ah, you give me.
If you'll be patient,
I'll fix you something.
Hayako! Fast!
I can't cook with a
gun pointing at me.
Why don't you sit down
like a nice guy and relax?
How'd you get lost?
I was a Kamikaze pilot. Uh-huh.
I got nervous and
make a safe landing.
Why didn't you go back?
They only gave me one-way map.
Maybe you can be my
prisoner and come with us.
Yeah, maybe.
First, I see how I
like your cooking.
You will.
Tell me, are all
Americans like you?
No. I'm especially nice.
I feel it's important to
present America in a good light
to all our neighbors,
friendly and other wise.
Are you with the Red Cross?
No. Are they here, too?
I've seen a lot of half eaten
doughnuts around.
How do you like your fish?
Raw. Don't be silly.
You'll like it the
way I cook it.
No, I like raw.
That's a good way
to catch hepatitis.
I want raw.
Absolutely not. I'm the host.
I have gun.
I have the fish.
(shouting): You give me raw...
And that is the
first time in my life
I ever ate cooked fish.
Did you get hepatitis?
No. See, he was right again.
We have been friends ever since.
Look, Mr. Yamada,
I'm gonna level with you.
I know that you're honest
and you're sincere
and honorable,
but I had other
plans for my money.
Huh? Yeah, I want
to buy a fantastic car.
A '58 Maserati. I know where
I can get one for four grand.
I would like to invite you
to the back to my parking lot.
Why? What's there?
A brand new Maserati.
This year's model.
Which I buy from the profits
in this business. Now
you're making a lot of sense.
Ah, Yamada-san.
(speaking Japanese)
You see these four? Mm-hmm.
Steadies. Twice a week.
OSCAR: Live ones, huh?
Hey, that's nice.
Yamada-san, excuse me.
Felix, I owe you an apology.
I may owe you one.
Yamada-san, may I
speak to you please
about the condition
of your kitchen?
Of course. What
could be the problem?
Come with me, please. Did
you see his new Maserati?
If it's on the floor of
the kitchen, I've seen it.
Oh, boy.
(tapping)
Ah... you entertainment?
No, my foot went to sleep.
Look at this! There's
food everywhere.
There's meat, fish on the floor,
on the table, everywhere.
But it is dinnertime,
it's busy in here.
We'll clean everything up.
It's not the cleanliness factor,
it's the way the old
man cooks. Ah...
This is Cho San,
one of the best.
Cho San, meet Mr. Unger.
Hello, how are you?
I am fine.
He is from Stanford.
Can't you tell him not
to waste so much food?
But this is the way we
make Harusame soup.
It's our biggest seller.
Look at this! 20
percent of the food
goes on the floor.
This is waste.
Go slowly.
Put everything
in the pot neatly.
He cannot understand
you, Mr. Unger.
Then I'll speak to him
in his own language.
(speaking Japanese)
What'd he say?
He say, "You take this
whole kitchen and..."
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
But he's quitting. He's leaving.
Good. Let him go.
We'll get another cook
tomorrow. Tonight you'll cook.
Oh, no, I cannot cook.
I could not cook on Guadalcanal.
I have not improved
since. Hey, what's going on?
The old man's out
there choking a chicken!
It's nothing to
get excited about.
Nothing at all to
get excited about.
I'll cook tonight.
Send the waiter in,
I'll give him his orders.
No, no, he is gone.
He is nephew of the old man.
They are both gone, I'm sure.
Felix, what are you doing to
my investment? They both quit?
Don't worry about
it. I'll cook tonight.
You two will work as waiters.
Ha! You make mistake.
I am not waiter
here. I am boss here.
As Kurosawa say,
"You make sleeping
place, now lay in it."
Felix, he's right.
For a silent partner,
you've got a big mouth.
He's a very stubborn man.
Sir, make up with
him. You're old friends.
Go ahead.
I am now silent partner.
Don't be a bad bird.
If, as they say, we
are what we eat,
then your friend is a meatball.
Did you hear what he said?
Nothing to worry about.
Nothing. Everything's
going to be fine.
It better.
Chicken who
invest friend's money
and lose it, get "prucked"!
(clinking)
Where's Ito?
Oh, I'm replacing him tonight.
Don't worry about anything.
Everything is going to be
just as good as it always was.
Don't worry. Am I not authentic?
No, but you dangerous.
Haso.
Haso. Haso.
Haso. Hot, hot, hot!
Oh! Watch me.
Haso. Haso.
How's everything going?
Everything's going fine.
I'm making ooona.
I need some shrimp,
some crab and
some bamboo shoots.
What are you doing
with those knives?
They're big! They
want authentic food,
they're going to get it.
Felix, can't you do that
with wooden spoons?
Hey, this is great.
What is that?
Eel.
(grill sizzling)
Listen, where's
the shrimp, the crab
and the bamboo shoots?
(woman screaming)
And the first aid kit?
FELIX: It's okay, it's
all right. Keep calm.
It's just an accident.
Just an accident.
It could happen to anybody.
It was the soy oil on my hands.
We'll pay for your purse, madam.
Sit down. Sit down.
It's coming along now.
I'm getting the hang
of it. It's coming nicely...
What happened? What
happened? Nothing.
Nothing at all! Everything
is working out beautifully.
I'm getting the hang of it
now. Hey, wait'll you see
who I got to help
us. Come on in.
Tokyo Nose.
Ah, Cho San. (speaking Japanese)
I talk to you later.
Come on now,
you've got to help us. You've
got to go in and stop him.
He threw a knife in the
wall. He cut a woman's purse.
I'm telling you, if
you don't stop him,
you're gonna see the first
stainless steel samurai.
Come on, he can't
cook those dishes.
He make me lose face.
Well, if you don't help
him, you're gonna lose shirt!
It's good, huh?
Everything's fine now.
Felix, do you see the smoke?
Uh-huh, can you smell it?
They can smell it in Japan.
That's part of the meal.
What do you serve for
dessert, a fire extinguisher?
This is good. This is good.
Where's Murray? I
need some sesame oil.
Murray. Murray, quick!
I need some
sesame oil. Hurry, run.
Sesame oil. Murray!
Murray! Yeah?
These aren't bean
sprouts, those are pea pods.
I need bean sprouts.
Yeah, and hurry. Yeah.
And really hurry up.
Murray! What? What?!
You only brought me
three eggs, I need six eggs.
Three eggs, six eggs, right.
(all talking at once)
You did it again. You
had to go being a show-off.
Well, I don't think it was my
food that made them leave.
Well, you threw the knife
in the wall, that's what did it!
I'm not the one who
went through the door.
Let's put it this way: they
had no reason to stay.
Air conditioning.
Knife hole in the
wall, nice decoration.
Charcoaled eel.
No more customers,
which is okay because I
no longer have any help.
That's a nice balance.
You finally got even
for Pearl Harbor.
Is there any way we
can make it up to you?
We're sorry. It was an accident.
Look, we'll send you a check.
No, no. I'll send you a check.
Oh, no, no. We wouldn't think
of accepting payment
for tonight's work.
Felix, I don't think
he'd insist on that.
No, I meant I send you a check
to release you from your
obligations as partners.
I think I will get a
real silent partner.
Maybe Howard Hughes.
Yamada-san,
is this going to
affect our friendship?
Oh, not at all. Our
friendship is ended.
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
It was an accident. We'll leave.
We won't bother you
anymore. Terribly sorry.
I'm sorry, Yamada.
You know how I...
Before we leave, there's one
thing I did want to say to you.
These lanterns...
these are not Japanese lanterns.
These are Chinese.
(all talking at once)
(shouting in Japanese)
(snoring)
Felix?
What're you doing?
Nothing. Nothing.
You caught me again, didn't you?
What? Doing what?
Stealing your money.
Go to sleep. Go back to sleep.
(rotary dialing)
Harry?
In two years am I going
to have a bet for you.