The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 18 - Where's Grandpa? - full transcript

I don't know what it is,
Oscar, but there's a different

kind of feeling about
this place tonight.

The difference
is, Felix isn't here.

It's an anxiety-free poker game.

How long's he gonna be gone?

One week... one delicious
week of pizza, enchiladas

and the marvelous taste

of cardboard cartons.

(Speed laughing)

I knocked over my drink.

So? Don't worry
about it. He's not here.



Look, we'll put in,
we'll make mud pies.

Here.

How'd these coasters
get on the table?

Felix isn't here.

Tonight, we live, live, live.

I can't live, live, live

unless you bet, bet,
bet, huh? (phone ringing)

Hey, do me a favor and smoke
toward New Jersey, will you?

Here, I'm out.

(phone continues
ringing, men chattering)

Hello.

No, he's not. He's in Acapulco.

About a week.

Any message?



Sure.

Yeah, well, if he
calls, I'll tell him.

Okay, bye-bye.

MURRAY: Who was that?

It was the director of Sunshine
City for Senior Citizens.

Oh, what did they
want you to cover,

the shuffleboard tournament?

Very funny. No.

Felix's grandfather and
grandmother had a fight,

they split up, the
old man took off.

Imagine that. They been
married over 50 years.

SPEED: 50 years...

Gee, I wonder what happened.

Maybe one of them got
a new pair of glasses.

Think I ought to call Felix
in Acapulco and tell him?

Nah, I wouldn't bother him.

I mean, where's an old
guy like that gonna go?

He probably went down to
one of these massage parlors.

He'll be back in 20 minutes.

(door buzzer sounds)

MURRAY: Hey, maybe that's Felix.

Bite your tongue.

Hello, son.

Little Felix here?

No, he's not, he's not...

You must be Grandpa
Unger! That's right.

Well, come on
in, sir, come on in.

Are you sure it's all right?

Of course it's all right.

Give me your bag.
I'm glad you're all right.

Hey, Felix's
grandfather came here.

How are you? Hi, Grandpa.

I wouldn't want to be
any trouble to anybody.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Felix Unger.

Yeah, Unger.

U-N-G-E-R.

Salay la casa?

Hey, Oscar, that
means he went out.

Thanks, Pancho.

Well, operator, leave word,
will you, for him to call back?

My name is Madison, yeah.

Tell him to call his casa
here when he gets back. Right.

How about that?

I got an 80-year-old runaway.

Felix is out salaying his casa.

I thought this was
gonna be a fun week.

Ah, maybe he won't stay long.

What'd you think he had

in those two big
suitcases, denture powder?

Hey, Oscar, remember when
Felix showed up here the night

his wife kicked him out, how
depressed he was, you remember?

Yeah, he even
tried to kill himself.

Come on, fellas,
don't remind me.

I don't want to have to
go through that again.

Here I am, boys,
ready for action.

Oh, hi, Grandpa! Hi!

You look good.

Changed into my comfies.

Ah, yeah.

I feel like a young
man in a bachelor pad.

(chuckles)

With all the young
bucks. (chuckles)

Well, I'll bet two
dollars on this. Let's go.

Cost you two dollars.
Well, let's see what you got.

(mutters)

Well, unless
something's running wild,

those three aces are
gonna be hard to beat.

SPEED: I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out.

Your trouble is, you
don't have a poker face.

I'll work on it.

Ah, this brings back memories.

After 57 years, I'm a free man.

I should have
done this years ago.

Whoo!

Smoke, smoke, it's terrible.

Don't know how you stand it.

Would you ante up? My
first shot at a good pot...

Come on, ante up.

There you are.

(men coughing) Best stuff.

Say, you mind if I sit in?

No, no. All right, sit down.

Oh, no, no.

I'll just kibitz, ah.

Okay. There we go.

Ah.

This is mine, huh?
Playing for keepsies?

Oh, and take
homesies, tax freesies.

(chuckles)

Well, it's awful nice
of you fellas to...

Watch your drink, son.

You already got a
great big stain there.

Boy, I'm having a ball.

(chuckles) Up to me?

I bet two dollars again.

Okay. Let's see what you got.

What?

Yeah.

Three queens.

SPEED: Oh, I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out.

(stifled bawling)

Why are you crying?

I had a queen.

A real queen.

And she threw me out.

Uh, excuse me, boys, I...

I-I want to be by myself.

(stifled bawling)

I'm gonna have to
live through it again.

(knocks) Hi, Gramp.

Game broke up. I
saw your light on.

Yeah.

Oh, packing to go home, huh?

Well, I think it's the
sensible thing to do.

No, I'm unpacking to stay.

I've got no place to go.

My Mimi threw me out.

Tossed me aside like the wrapper

on a fudge bar.

It can't be that serious.

Why did she throw you out?

Jealousy.

You were fooling around?

No, I was jealous of her.

Nobody'd fool around with me.

But her...

They voted her Miss Needlepoint.

And her entry was rotten.

It had a house with
a crooked chimney.

But she winked at the judge,

and they gave her the prize.

Maybe she just had
something in her eye.

You tell me that, and
I'll tell you another.

What about her and the golf pro?

You have a golf
course down there?

Two holes.

What'd he look like?

He was a real slick operator.

Spitting image of Lawrence Welk.

Hey...

Don't sit on the bed.

You'll mess the spread.

Well, tell me
about the golf pro.

Well, last night, she
didn't come home

from the tournament
till almost 9:00.

Said he gave her a lift in his
cart, and it ran out of current.

I accused her of adultery.

On a golf cart?

She threw me out.

Said I was a paranoid,
jealous lunatic.

Now she's exaggerating.

No, she isn't.

Well, look, I
mean, it sounds like

a simple case of
misunderstanding.

Why don't you call her?

Why don't you
call her right now?

No.

She doesn't want me.

Then I'll call her.

She doesn't want you, either.

Tonight's bingo night.

I'm glad I'm not
there to see that.

See what? Beans.

Did you say "beans"?

Beans.

They move her
bingo beans for her.

How'd you like to sit there

and watch four guys move
your wife's beans around?

Huh.

Hang this up.

Beans, golf pro.

Believe me, Grandpa,
one good night's sleep,

you're gonna forget
about the whole thing.

You'll want to go back to her.

You sound as if you
want to get rid of me, too.

No, no, stay as long
as you want. Oh.

Listen, I did have some
special plans for this week, but...

Can't you make
believe I'm not here?

I-I won't bother anybody.

Oh, I'm sure you won't.

Okay. Oscar... Yeah?

You seem like a
peppy sort, full of life.

Don't let me bring you down.

Okay, Grandpa. Good night.

Good night.

(stifled bawling)

(sobbing continues)

I'm telling you, Murray,
you don't know what it's like

living with a depressed,
old man for three days.

Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.

Well, look, tonight we'll all
be over for the big poker game.

That ought to cheer you up.

Forgot to tell you, there
isn't any poker game tonight.

Why? Because of Grandpa.

9:30, he goes to bed.

At 10:00, you can't
use the bathroom,

because he needs
it every ten minutes.

Smoke bothers him, if you
make any noise, it wakes him up,

he comes out, joins the
game and announces my cards.

Okay, we'll have the
game at my house.

All you guys come over.

Are you kidding? I can't.

I'm afraid to leave him alone.

All he does is
sit there and cry.

It's like living
with Johnnie Ray.

If he's not crying,
he's cleaning.

You think Felix was neat?

I'm living with his guru.

(whispers): There he is...

Look at him.

The gray tornado.

Hi.

It's the cops.

Have they come for me?

It's not a cop, it's Murray.

You remember,
from the poker game?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't recognize your face.

You didn't recognize that face?

Yeah, you're the fellow with
the high cheekbones, aren't you?

Well, just enjoy
yourselves, fellas.

Don't pay any attention to me.

Try to eat over the table;
I just vacuumed the rug.

There we are.

You're a nice boy.

There you are, Oscar.

Need a napkin.

Let me see.

There, look at that.

I'll just finish up in here,

and then I'll clean
the storage room.

What storage room?

Room across the hall from mine.

Full of all kinds of junk.

Germs you've never seen.

No, no, that's my
bedroom, Grandpa.

Oh, well, well,

I'll-I'll have it all spic and
span before you can...

Oh, no, no, no, I can't
allow you to go in there.

You don't know your way
around, you can get hurt.

Gee, I... I would
consider it a challenge.

I'm sorry, I can't let you go.
Even Felix can't go in there.

I'm sorry, I must be
adamant about that.

I believe I can No,
Grandpa, you can't.

Do it justice, I... No, sir.

Please? No, I say please. No.

What's the matter now?

Cleaning is my therapy.

It's all I have left.

Guess I'll go drown
my sorrows in detergent.

(stifled bawling)

(door closes)

He came all the way
from Sunshine City

to rain on my parade.

This is my grandson, Felix.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

He's a regular down
here, isn't he? Yeah.

I'm sacking out up at his place.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I want you to
see my Army discharge.

It's signed by Pershing himself.

Oh, Black Jack Pershing!

Yeah.

They don't make them
like that anymore. Oh, no.

Ah... that's all she wrote.

Well, Albert, it seems to
me like you've had a rich,

full life, and got a
wonderful family.

Yeah. All except for
my butterflying wife...

who kicked me out in the street.

Are you sure that she
got frisky with that golf pro?

Yeah. He's also recreation
director down there,

and I know his recreation.

Riding my Mimi in a cart.

Well, maybe she should
have just turned him down.

She claims you turn down
one of those babies and...

No more badminton.

Do those old folks play
badminton down there?

Well, it's not a
very rough game.

We play 40 on a side.

We just do it to
raise a little breeze.

(laughing)

May I? Oh, thank you so much.

Well, I personally
like a jealous man.

You do? Mm-hmm.

Better than my Morrie.
God rest his soul.

My Morrie was a drinker. Oh.

I'd rather have them
green-eyed than pie-eyed.

(chuckles)

Yes sir, I'll take a
jealous man anytime.

You know, I think
it shows character.

You know something, Loretta?

I like you. You cheer me up.

Oh, I like you, too, Albert.

Oh, since we're
getting along so nicely,

shall we fluff and fold
together? I'd adore it.

Do something!

Gin!

How many points you got? Six.

Six?! Six, six, six!

What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?

One, two... what am I,
on Sesame Street? Six!

Well, that gives
me two more boxes,

and that's a Schneider, Oscar.

Deal, Schneider, deal, deal.

You know... I had a
great uncle once. Yeah?

Yeah, 90 years
old. Grey all over.

All except his hair.

You're a great raconteur,
you know that, Murray?

And after this treat,

I got gloomy Grandpa
to look forward to.

Hey, boys! Whoopee!

What does that mean?

I've got great news.

You're leaving, going
back to your wife. When?

Better than that. I've
got me a date for tonight.

A date? She lives
right in this building.

Her name is Loretta Spoon.

What a knockout! She's built!

And hears every word you say!

Hey... listen, if
you got a date,

then we can play
poker tonight, huh?

You can play all night,
as far as I'm concerned.

I've got me a date.
I may get lucky.

(buzzer sounds)

Mr. Madison? Yes?

I'm Loretta Spoon.

Loretta Spoon! Come
in, Loretta Spoon!

You're always welcome in
our house, Loretta Spoon!

You, your whole
gang sure is fast.

That's because we love you.

I'll tell Grandpa
his date is here.

Oh, no, wait a minute, M-Mr.
Madison. Uh... excuse me.

I-I was afraid he
might misunderstand.

We don't have a date tonight.

You see, we...

we fluffed and we folded and...

But he's... he's been in
his room dressing all day.

I mean... well, couldn't you
go out with him just for tonight?

No, I'm sorry. You see,

I have a steady
gentleman friend.

Maybe I should
have mentioned that.

Ah, I hope you don't think
I'm leading your roommate on.

Roommate... oh,
he's not my roommate.

Well, you'll tell him...

that I am very proud to
know a man who served

under Black Jack Pershing.

And you tell him I'm sorry
I can't go out on the date.

Oh, I... I hope I didn't
ruin anybody's plans.

I'm really not a tease.

(stifled bawling)

Grandpa... Hi, Osc.

You want some Bay Rum?

From what bay?

I've saved this
since my honeymoon.

I was a rascal then and
I'm gonna be a rascal again.

'Cause Bay Rum turns me on.

I wanted to talk to you
about that date tonight.

I don't really think
you ought to go.

Why not? I'm of legal age.

Enough for four men.

(chuckles)

Oh, I've got a kick
full of simoolians

and I'm going to blow it!

Yeah, but I mean,
you're a married man.

Do you think it's
the right thing to do?

What's good for the goose
is good for the gander.

You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to waltz Loretta
right down to Sunshine City

and show Mimi I've
still got my charisma!

I have s... some good news for
you and some bad news. Yeah?

You haven't lost your
charisma. I mean, you've got that.

But you don't
have a date, either.

What?

Well, Loretta was
just here, and...

Well, she said she was
being nice to cheer you up.

It's nothing against you, it's just
that she has a steady boyfriend.

The elevator man. What?

It's the elevator man.
They can't fool me.

Every time I looked up, they
were exchanging glances.

Oh, now, look...
Don't get jealous.

It has nothing to do with you.

The fellows will
be over any minute.

Why don't you come out and
play poker with us, huh? No.

Look, I won't deal
you any queens.

I'll stay in here and...

clean up a little, take
a couple of showers.

Life goes on.

You've already taken three
showers. You're going to shrivel up.

I want to be alone,
Oscar. Just...

You're sure you'll be
all right? I'm fine, fine.

Okay.

I knew it.

I was thrown over again.

That's twice in one century.

Murray, why don't you sit
down when you're dealing, huh?

Because I can't see
over all these chips.

I may have to borrow something
from Oscar to take them home in.

Why don't you use your nose?

(phone rings)

Telephone!

Hello? Yeah.

Murray, you.

Ah, excuse me, gentlemen.

Hey, no matter who it is,
you're not leaving this room.

Thank you, Oscar.

Eeeyello!

Mm-hmm!

What? Yeah, r-right away.

Hey, guys, I've got
to leave the game.

You're not leaving here, Murray!

I got to go. This
is my sergeant.

There's a leaper in
the neighborhood.

A leaper? What's a leaper?

That's a suicide jumper!

Sarge, what's the address?

Uh-huh.

Oscar, where's 1049 Park Avenue?

This is 1049 Park Avenue!

What floor, Sarge?

The 11th floor. 11th...
This is the 11th floor.

All right, come on,
stand back! No, Grandpa!

Ooh, what? He's out there?

Oscar, let me handle this!

Look, at the police academy
I got an "A" in leapers.

What are you going to
say to him? Don't worry!

I'll just say,
"Grandpa, don't jump.

"Think of all the
people who love you.

Think of your wife
in Sunshine City."

Dumbo! That's why
he's jumping. I'll do it.

(distant horn honking)

(stifled bawling)

Don't jump, Grandpa.

Oscar... help me...

Don't jump! I
don't want to jump.

I want to come in.

Well, come on in, then.

I can't. Why not?

I can't move. I'm
petrified! All right...

I'm cold. All right... wait.

I'll come and get you.
I'll come and get you.

MURRAY: Easy, Oscar.

GRANDPA: Don't look down!
OSCAR: Now he tells me.

(cars honking) Easy, Oscar.

Looking up ain't much
of a bargain, either. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Don't lean
back against the building.

It's dirty.

(stifled bawling)

Don't! (spluttering grunts)

Okay... Easy... easy.

Okay... (mumbling)

I got you. Let him go!

Okay... grab it!
Grab it! Grab it!

Grab it, grab it, grab it!
Attaboy, grab it, grab it!

SPEED: Got him?

I'm glad you're not drowning.

Here... give me
your hand, Oscar.

Okay, good, we're okay. Easy.

Easy. Get him, get him, get him!

(all shouting at once)

Get him, get him, that a boy.

Get him, get him.

VINNIE: Easy, easy! Easy!

Watch your head!
Watch your head.

There we got you, Grampie! Yes!

(all talking at once)
Yeah, you're all right...

(grunts) Get me out of here!

Get me out of here, will ya?

Why are you so sad?

I called your wife. She'll
be here any minute.

You know that's what you want.

Don't sit there like Willie
Loman. It's all arranged.

It won't work.

As soon as I see
her, I'll ruin it. I know it.

Why? Because of
my insane jealousy.

As soon as I see her, I
run amok. I'm an animal!

Well, that's ridiculous.
You're not too old to change.

Ah... You know what
we're going to do, Grandpa?

What? We're gonna rehearse.

I'm going to be
Mimi. You be you.

We'll see what you say
when I come in, okay?

You'll be Mimi? Yeah.

Heh, heh, heh... Don't laugh.

Just use your imagination.
We're going to pretend.

I want to see if we can
correct the wrong things, okay?

I'm Mimi. Right? All right.

Okay. Here we go. Right.

Okay. I ring the
bell and I'm in.

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi. Why'd
you wear that dress?

You know I hate it.

What dress?

The brown print with
the plunging neckline.

I'm wearing a brown print
with a plunging neckline?

Well, what do you call it? No,
you... you're imagining too good.

Look, look, I'm Mimi and
I'm not wearing anything.

Okay... No, forget it.

I'm wearing a
dress that you like.

Well, I like the blue
dress... Oh, forget the dress!

But she won't wear it. We don't have
much time. She's gonna be here soon.

Come on, let's try
it again, all right?

All right... ring, and I'm in.

Hello, Albert. So
nice to see you.

I haven't slept since you left.

Hah-hah... you
haven't shaved, either.

Are you going to cut it out?

Now, come on. Let's try
one more time. Now stop it!

Okay... yes... Come
on. Here we go.

Yes. Ring and I'm in.

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi.

When Oscar called
me, I came right over.

I caught the first bus.

Did you try to pick up
the bus driver, as usual?

Wink in his rearview
mirror? I know your style!

I know your style! Why
are you attacking like that?

(mumbling) Oh, no. I know.

Listen, wait a minute.
I want to show you...

You be Mimi. I'll
be you. Jealousy...

I'll show you what
you should do.

I'll be Mimi? You be
Mimi, yes. Okay, you got it?

I got it. Okay.

Don't bother to go up the stairs.
We don't have that much time.

All right... ready.

Here I am. Hello.

Hello, Mimi. You look lovely.

Hello, Albert.

Sorry I wore the brown
print. I know you don't...

I threw myself into the part.

Forget that, will you? Listen...

I'm awfully sorry, Mimi,
that I have been jealous.

I know I have no
right to be jealous

and I shouldn't be jealous.
I know I can trust you.

No, you have every
right to be jealous.

The minute your back was
turned I've been throwing myself

at every man in Sunshine City.

I'm no good. You shouldn't
trust me. I'm rotten!

Is that what she would
say? No, I say that!

Yeah, but who are you when
you say that? (door buzzes)

Are you Mimi or are you
Albert? I don't understand...

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi.

See? I told you she'd
wear the brown print.

Oh, but look. I pinned it
up. See? Does it look better?

Yes.

How'd the bingo
game go last night?

Oh... I won.

Of course you won. How much
help did you get from your admirers?

(clears throat)

I'm sorry.

I'm only jealous because
you're so beautiful.

(voice breaking):
Can you forgive me?

Oh, Albert.

(stifled bawling)

Well, I tell you. It's great
to go away from home,

and it's great to
come back home.

Playing gin, huh?

Let's see what you got.

Huh... you could
gin if you had a four.

I knock with a four.