The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 17 - You Saved My Life - full transcript
As Felix is cleaning the outside of the windows, he loses his balance and tips backward, half in and half out of the apartment. Oscar pulls him in. Felix decides to thank Oscar in every way possible for saving his life.
Oscar, I'm home.
I'm working.
Hi.
I picked up some Danish
at the Jewish bakery.
Has there been a parade?
Did the window washer come?
Yeah. Felix, I'm kind of
loaded down with deadlines,
Okay. so try to leave
me alone, will you?
Did he do a good job?
The prices we're
paying these days,
every window should
be sparkling like...
Oscar, look at that! What now?!
Look at that smudge!
They're terrible!
It's just as bad as before!
So? We're on the eleventh floor.
Who's going to
see? The flying nun?
Did you inspect his work?
No. He stayed on his side of
the window, I stayed on mine.
He didn't inspect me, either.
You'd be satisfied
living in a dungeon!
You may be happy looking
out filthy windows. I'm not!
Close the drapes.
I'm busy, will you?
He saw that you didn't
care, so he did a sloppy job.
Not as sloppy as I'm
doing. I'm getting out of here.
Go ahead. Go. 50
pound typewriter.
Should be used to
your indifference by now.
Do you know there's
ketchup on the windowsill?
No, but if you hum a few
bars, maybe I'll remember it.
Go on, get out of here.
Let Felix do the dirty
work. He's used to it.
I'm ashamed of the neighbors
with windows like this.
Ah! Ha-ha!
On November 13,
Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from
his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right.
But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
FELIX: Eh-heh-heh!
Heh-heh!
Eh-heh-heh! What
are you doing, Felix?
Cleaning the windows in
the downstairs apartment?
Oscar! Oscar! Felix!
Help me! Ooh! Save me!
Give me your hand!
Give me your hand!
FELIX: Oh!
Watch your head. Eh-heh-heh!
I've got you! I've
got you! Eh-ha!
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're all right.
Oh! Oh! Oh, no! Let go
Let go. You're
all right. Let go.
You're all right.
Oh, oh, Oscar!
Oh, you saved my life!
What were you doing?
Oh, I was reaching for a
smudge on the windowpane.
You could have been a
smudge on the sidewalk!
Oh, Oscar, I thought
I was a goner.
You know something? What?
My whole life passed before me.
I remembered where
I lost my skate key.
Your skate key?
When I was 11 years old,
I lost my roller skate key.
My father was so mad at me.
(voice cracking): But when
I was hanging out there,
I remembered where I put
it... Under the icebox pan.
I'll bet it's still there.
Good, we'll go to
Toledo. I'll take a look.
Look, I gotta go back.. Oscar,
please, please. I'm so cold!
Maybe I need a
little drink, huh?
All right, all right.
You're all right.
Oh, Oscar.
It's a terrible thing to
be so close to death.
Suddenly you're face to
face with the grim reaper.
Let me tell you,
kiddo, I'm shaken.
Here. Un-shake.
Drink this. Here.
I remembered... remembered
my first girlfriend in school.
Big Bertha, we called her.
She used to chase
me home with a stick.
I remembered... my best
friend in the first grade.
His name was Orville Krueger.
He had a strange shaped head.
His mother used to let
out one side of his hat.
Will you forget about Big
Bertha and your lopsided friends?
I got to go to work...
Oscar, I'm cold. I'm just cold.
Oh... come on.
(sobbing): Oh, Oscar!
What? Here. If it
hadn't been for you,
it would have been
bye-bye Unger!
Yeah. Bye-bye, Unger.
I got to go to work...
No, Oscar... I'll never
forget you for this, never.
I owe you my life.
I'll pay you back.
You want to pay me back?
Pass out, will you, so
I can go back to work!
Take this, will you?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Maybe I'll get a
little nap. Right.
I'll forget the horror
I've been through. Yeah.
Oh... It'll be all right.
Everything will work out.
Oh, Oscar... will
you do me a favor?
Anything, just what do you want?
Wipe the ketchup
off the windowsill.
What are you doing?
I just want coffee.
No, no, no, no, no.
Coffee is not enough for a hero.
I've prepared a special
breakfast for you.
I don't want any
breakfast... Eggs Benedict!
I don't have time
for eggs Benedict.
Then just have an egg Ben.
Come on, will you, Felix?
Still on the grateful kick?
Cut it out, will you?
You'll make me very fat.
Oscar...
when one man has
saved another man's life,
gratitude, believe
me, comes easily.
Yeah. Now I have
a surprise for you.
What? Here's something
I prepared last night.
I'll put it in my new wallet.
What did you do that for?
It's just a tribute to you.
My humble way of showing
my gratitude to a great guy.
And that's not all. Wait.
More? Yes.
What do you have in there?
What could you do this...
Music with your breakfast!
Your favorite tune.
(playing unrecognizable tune)
It's "Home on the Range."
(tune becomes more familiar)
♪ ♪
Yes, Mr. Unger, I'm
spraying right now.
Yes.
Pine... (coughs)
Pine Wood, yes.
Mr. Unger, everything is just
the way you wanted it, see?
You can't see. Trust me.
Yes, I'm standing up straight.
Mr. Unger, I am not slumping.
He's coming. Good-bye.
Good morning, Myrna.
Good morning, Mr. Madison.
Did I ever tell you
you are beautiful?
No, nobody has.
What do they know?
You're a sight for sore eye...
What are you smelling?
What are you using?
Pine perfume? Yes.
You smell like a log cabin.
But I'm still happy to be
here, away from that pest.
What pest? My roommate.
I love you, I love my
office, I love my desk...
What happened to my desk?
Nice, huh? What
do you mean, nice?
It's all cleaned and
there's flowers there.
What is it, a desk or a park?
Well, it was so cluttered,
and you couldn't find anything,
so... Now, I can't
find anything!
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Where'd you put my
cigars? In the top left drawer.
Top left drawer's locked
where my cigars are.
Why is it locked where my
cigars are? I need a cigar.
Try one of these instead.
Does Fidel Castro
smoke a carrot?
Myrna, this in ridiculous.
Now, what's going on?
Well, that's what I told him.
Told who? Who did you tell?
You told who? Nobody.
Talk, honey, talk! No, please.
You better talk.
Remember, you still
have folks up in the Bronx.
Come on, Felix... Felix
reached you, didn't he?
It was Felix, wasn't it?
Tell the truth! It was Felix!
Yes, yes! Mr. Unger
made me do it
and he made me
promise not to tell you
and I told you and I'm sorry
and I can't keep a secret!
You see, Myrna?
There's no place to hide.
You're the best
secretary I ever had.
Disorganized, sloppy, lazy.
Now he's ruined you.
Now, don't feel too
bad. He's ruined me, too.
But he said you saved his life.
Yeah, and for that
he's trying to kill me.
Where's the stuff you
took from my desk?
I put it in a box. Yeah,
well, bring it here, will you?
But... Bring it, will you?!
I'm not going to let him beat
me with those eggs Benedict
and that saxophone,
that cockamamie picture
with the "thanks" on it!
Now let's get back to
the way things were.
What is that? What is that?
Slump!
(knocking)
May I come in?
What is it, Felix?
I... I wanted to apologize
to you. For what?
Well, for being silly.
That playing the
sax sort of thing.
That has no lasting value,
so I... Yeah, I'll buy that.
(laughs)
You're putting me down,
aren't you? That's very funny...
No, I didn't mean to put you
down... No, no, no. That's all right.
Put me down. Anything you want.
I want you to put me down.
No, what do you want,
Felix? I mean it sincerely.
I want you to put me
down anytime you...
Felix, tell me what you want
or I'll put you down with this!
I'm sorry. I...
I guess I'm an awful
pain in the neck
to you sometimes.
Well, anyway, I...
I realized that
playing the sax was...
It falls so far short
of any kind of decent
tribute to you that I...
What is it? Look at it.
What I want to do...
is buy time on a local radio
station and have this taped
so that people
everywhere will know
what kind of guy you really are.
"The following is a commercial
announcement for Oscar Madison."
♪ "O" is for the
oldest friend I know ♪
♪ "S" is for the way
he saved my life ♪
♪ "C" stands for
courage and... ♪
♪ "A" is the alertness
that he showed ♪
♪ "R" means risk and
he took a big one ♪
♪ "M-A-D" is what
he gets at me ♪
♪ But I... (whistles) ♪
♪ Feel like a "S-O-N" to him ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ That's Oscar Madison ♪
♪ He's big daddy... ♪
♪ To us all! ♪
I understand your
problem, Oscar,
but what, what can I do?
Well, there must be
some legal recourse.
He's a public nuisance.
Give me protection! Oscar,
it's not a crime to
do things for people.
Now, should he commit a crime,
I'd be happy to
arrest him for it. Yeah?
Will you look the
other way if I kill him?
Oscar, I'm a policeman,
so please don't
ask for any favors.
Don't you see I haven't
slept since that night?
He comes into my room
every hour on the hour
to see if I'm all right.
He feels my forehead,
he takes my pulse.
Aw, gee, that's swell.
It ain't swell!
If I wanted to live
with my grandmother,
I'd move to Poughkeepsie.
FELIX: Oscar, I'm home!
My luck, so am I.
FELIX: Murray!
Hi! Hi, Felix.
What a pleasant surprise.
You staying for dinner?
Well, I'd love to, but I can't.
What are we having?
Wiener schnitzel,
for a wonderful man.
Gee, I wish I could
speak another language.
FELIX: Oscar...
I forgot to tell you
what I did for you today.
What? I can hardly wait.
I've arranged for you
to save a fortune in
alimony payments. How?
I spoke to the Internal
Revenue Service.
Internal Revenue?
They're going over
your tax returns
for a new alimony settlement.
You don't mean the
Internal Revenue?
FELIX: Yes, yes,
starting tomorrow,
they're going to pull
all your tax returns
for the past five years.
I'll bet they find plenty.
Tell me you didn't do it, Felix,
tell me it's a joke!
I did! I did!
I'll bet I save you a thousand
dollars a year at least.
Felix, they're going to kill me!
You know how I keep books.
I'll go over everything first.
Relax.
Don't worry.
Just remember.
Somebody right here likes you.
What are we going
to do with him?
Lock me, take me
away. Oscar! Oscar!
Hold it, hold it, now, hold it!
I got a great idea. What?
You know what?
Turn the tables on
him like on the TV show
that I saw last week. How? What?
It was hilarious!
What? What happened?
Well, the same thing
happened to the star
that happened
with you and Felix.
Now, you know what he did? What?
First he pretended
like his life needed
saving, you see?
Mm-hmm. Then when the
other joker saved his life,
that evened the
score. Funny, huh?
What do you mean, funny?
That makes a lot of sense.
Tell me how he did
it. How'd he do it?
Well, he choked
on a chicken bone.
(giggling)
Osc!
Osc! Yeah, Feel?
Soup's on.
Be right there.
(singing): ♪ Nights are
long since you been away ♪
♪ I think about you
all through the day ♪
♪ My buddy ♪
♪ My buddy... ♪
♪ My buddy... saved my life! ♪
Sir! Here's the place of honor!
The place of honor is changed.
You honor any place you sit.
The wake is over.
No candles? No candles.
Listen, I am so grateful to you
for calling me up and telling
me you wanted chicken.
Because there's so
many things I want
to do for you but...
I don't know where to start.
And this way you help
me... Not that you have to.
Cause anything
you want, anything...
no matter how wild,
no matter how far out.
If you want it, ask for
it, buddy, you got it!
Shut up.
Where's the chicken?
Felix, where's the chicken?
Speak, only if you're going
to tell me where the chicken is.
The chicken is in the pot.
Get it, cause
you're in my ulcer.
What's this sudden
urge for chicken all of a...
I don't know.
I just had a yen
for it. (chuckling)
I never knew you to eat chicken
that didn't come
in a bucket. Oh,
I like that man's face.
I trust it, but tonight,
I just wanted home
cooked chicken.
Forget the reason.
Oscar Madison, you asked for it!
What kind of chicken is that?
Chicken Cartarelli.
I just wanted plain chicken.
Plain chicken is
for a plain man.
You're far from a
plain man, Oscar.
You inspired this.
I think it's the
best I ever made.
Yeah? Well, let
me have it. Yeah.
Try it.
If you like it, nod.
(coughing)
Osc! Hey!
What's the matter?
I'm choking on a bone.
No, no, that's impossible.
What's impossible?
Choking to death!
No... it's boneless chicken.
No bones? No bones.
How did it walk?
(doorbell buzzing)
FELIX: Oscar, could
you see who that is?
Yeah, I'll see who...
I wonder who's calling
this time of the night.
I can't imagine who it could be.
Yes, sir, ah, so, Japanese,
what are you Japanese,
what are you doing here?
I'll break your butt!
Don't throw that in here!
Felix! Come here!
Oh, my God.
What? Look, what
he threw in there!
Japanese threw a hand grenade!
A hand grenade! Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh. Don't do that!
(overlapping chatter)
Run!
You saved my
life! Save yourself!
Save yourself! Oh!
You saved my life. We're
even! What's the matter?
What is it?
What?
What is it?
Must be a dud.
Well, it was very
brave of you anyway,
and now we're even.
Felix, you shouldn't
have done it.
You could have been killed.
Not very likely.
It's a lighter.
(laughing)
One of the kids from the
building must have been
pulling a prank on you.
(laughing) Yeah, but
you didn't know that.
You did it anyway.
You could have saved my life.
But I didn't.
(singing): ♪ My buddy ♪
♪ My buddy... ♪
I'm still his buddy.
(whistling)
Bedtime, pal.
Oh, I think I'll
just stay out here
and read a little bit.
You know what's going
to happen, don't you?
You're going to fall asleep.
You're going to get
your clothes all wrinkled.
Oh, I'm fine, pal.
You know what I'll do?
I'll get up early in the morning
and press them for you.
Good night, lifesaver.
Good night, lifesavee.
(gas hissing)
Oh... oh... Felix!
Felix! What?
Oh, I can't breathe!
Oh, I can't breathe!
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
I, I can't breathe.
Oscar... Uh, gas.
Gas. Gas? (gasping)
(coughing)
Oscar! I can't...
(honking) I can't...
(honking)
(gasping)
(honking)
(coughing)
(gasping)
(gasping)
Oh... (gasping)
Look at this.
Not enough gas to fry an egg
and he passes out.
I could leave, and
nobody would know.
All right, let's
go, wise fellow.
I'm telling you, Nancy,
if he doesn't cut it out,
they're going to put me away.
He's in my room now
shining my shoe trees.
Yeah, I'm still going to
give him one more try.
If that doesn't work, I'm
going to throw him out.
I'm going to get him to
save me the way I saved him.
(door shuts) I
can't explain now.
I'll call later. Bye bye, honey.
(hangs up phone)
Hi, Felix.
Hey, Felix, listen, you...
can empty the trash can now.
I finished typing.
Thank you, Oscar.
Yeah, I want to
see the Big Dipper.
Cause it's out tonight.
I don't want to miss it.
You want me to
photograph it for you?
When you come back,
it'd be nice. All right.
Gee, you need a
new basket, don't you?
I'll buy you a nice wicker one.
Better yet,
I'll take a course
and weave you one.
Boy.
Help! Help!
Help!
Help! Oscar?
Help! Help! Oh, trouble!
I'm getting out of here!
Help! Oscar, hey!
What are you doing out there?
I'm doing chin-ups.
Chin-ups? I thought
you were Felix.
Did you see him on
your way in here? Yeah,
he went down in an
apartment down the hall.
Oh, well, he'll be coming back.
Get out of here, will
you? Oh, I just came by
to see if the chicken
bone thing worked.
No, he made boneless chicken.
Well, it won't work
without a bone, Oscar.
Good-bye, Murray.
Go take some graft, will you?
Thanks. Thanks.
Sports writers... all alike.
Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Mr. Madison...
Oh, my luck!
I don't believe it.
What were you doing?
I was practicing
for a fire drill. Oh.
Did you see Mr. Unger out there?
No, was I supposed to?
What do you want, Myrna?
I have to pick up another copy
of yesterday's column
cause the printer
lost a couple of pages.
So what are you
getting undressed for?
Come on, I'll give
it to you right away.
(mumbling)
Oscar!
Mrs. Johnson just called
me in her apartment.
There's a man hanging
out the window on this floor!
She couldn't see where it was...
You have a nice room.
Help! (sighing)
Mr. Madison, there's a
person hanging there.
He usually is.
So, you're not going to
help... All right, forget it.
Don't ask any questions,
Myrna, just go, will you?
The bigger they are, the
weirder they are. Help me!
Help me! Oscar, help me!
Felix. Help!
I'll save you under
one condition. What?
If I save your life
you'll never thank me
for saving your life again.
I promise, Oscar. Okay, come on.
Pull. Pull. Help me. Help me up.
Why don't you get a hand up.
Come on, that's a guy. Try.
There you go. Oh, oh.
(sighing)
Oh, oh. That a boy. Good boy.
There we go. Oh, Oscar.
What? What? Oscar.
I saw the grim reaper again.
And Big Bertha? And Big Bertha.
And lopsided Kruger? Yes.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
I learned something
from this experience.
How many times in life
do you come face to face
with the ultimate reality?
La Comedia est finit.
I'll tell you frankly,
I've never considered
the possibility
of Felix Unger dying.
I have.
I'm working.
Hi.
I picked up some Danish
at the Jewish bakery.
Has there been a parade?
Did the window washer come?
Yeah. Felix, I'm kind of
loaded down with deadlines,
Okay. so try to leave
me alone, will you?
Did he do a good job?
The prices we're
paying these days,
every window should
be sparkling like...
Oscar, look at that! What now?!
Look at that smudge!
They're terrible!
It's just as bad as before!
So? We're on the eleventh floor.
Who's going to
see? The flying nun?
Did you inspect his work?
No. He stayed on his side of
the window, I stayed on mine.
He didn't inspect me, either.
You'd be satisfied
living in a dungeon!
You may be happy looking
out filthy windows. I'm not!
Close the drapes.
I'm busy, will you?
He saw that you didn't
care, so he did a sloppy job.
Not as sloppy as I'm
doing. I'm getting out of here.
Go ahead. Go. 50
pound typewriter.
Should be used to
your indifference by now.
Do you know there's
ketchup on the windowsill?
No, but if you hum a few
bars, maybe I'll remember it.
Go on, get out of here.
Let Felix do the dirty
work. He's used to it.
I'm ashamed of the neighbors
with windows like this.
Ah! Ha-ha!
On November 13,
Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from
his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right.
But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
FELIX: Eh-heh-heh!
Heh-heh!
Eh-heh-heh! What
are you doing, Felix?
Cleaning the windows in
the downstairs apartment?
Oscar! Oscar! Felix!
Help me! Ooh! Save me!
Give me your hand!
Give me your hand!
FELIX: Oh!
Watch your head. Eh-heh-heh!
I've got you! I've
got you! Eh-ha!
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're all right.
Oh! Oh! Oh, no! Let go
Let go. You're
all right. Let go.
You're all right.
Oh, oh, Oscar!
Oh, you saved my life!
What were you doing?
Oh, I was reaching for a
smudge on the windowpane.
You could have been a
smudge on the sidewalk!
Oh, Oscar, I thought
I was a goner.
You know something? What?
My whole life passed before me.
I remembered where
I lost my skate key.
Your skate key?
When I was 11 years old,
I lost my roller skate key.
My father was so mad at me.
(voice cracking): But when
I was hanging out there,
I remembered where I put
it... Under the icebox pan.
I'll bet it's still there.
Good, we'll go to
Toledo. I'll take a look.
Look, I gotta go back.. Oscar,
please, please. I'm so cold!
Maybe I need a
little drink, huh?
All right, all right.
You're all right.
Oh, Oscar.
It's a terrible thing to
be so close to death.
Suddenly you're face to
face with the grim reaper.
Let me tell you,
kiddo, I'm shaken.
Here. Un-shake.
Drink this. Here.
I remembered... remembered
my first girlfriend in school.
Big Bertha, we called her.
She used to chase
me home with a stick.
I remembered... my best
friend in the first grade.
His name was Orville Krueger.
He had a strange shaped head.
His mother used to let
out one side of his hat.
Will you forget about Big
Bertha and your lopsided friends?
I got to go to work...
Oscar, I'm cold. I'm just cold.
Oh... come on.
(sobbing): Oh, Oscar!
What? Here. If it
hadn't been for you,
it would have been
bye-bye Unger!
Yeah. Bye-bye, Unger.
I got to go to work...
No, Oscar... I'll never
forget you for this, never.
I owe you my life.
I'll pay you back.
You want to pay me back?
Pass out, will you, so
I can go back to work!
Take this, will you?
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Maybe I'll get a
little nap. Right.
I'll forget the horror
I've been through. Yeah.
Oh... It'll be all right.
Everything will work out.
Oh, Oscar... will
you do me a favor?
Anything, just what do you want?
Wipe the ketchup
off the windowsill.
What are you doing?
I just want coffee.
No, no, no, no, no.
Coffee is not enough for a hero.
I've prepared a special
breakfast for you.
I don't want any
breakfast... Eggs Benedict!
I don't have time
for eggs Benedict.
Then just have an egg Ben.
Come on, will you, Felix?
Still on the grateful kick?
Cut it out, will you?
You'll make me very fat.
Oscar...
when one man has
saved another man's life,
gratitude, believe
me, comes easily.
Yeah. Now I have
a surprise for you.
What? Here's something
I prepared last night.
I'll put it in my new wallet.
What did you do that for?
It's just a tribute to you.
My humble way of showing
my gratitude to a great guy.
And that's not all. Wait.
More? Yes.
What do you have in there?
What could you do this...
Music with your breakfast!
Your favorite tune.
(playing unrecognizable tune)
It's "Home on the Range."
(tune becomes more familiar)
♪ ♪
Yes, Mr. Unger, I'm
spraying right now.
Yes.
Pine... (coughs)
Pine Wood, yes.
Mr. Unger, everything is just
the way you wanted it, see?
You can't see. Trust me.
Yes, I'm standing up straight.
Mr. Unger, I am not slumping.
He's coming. Good-bye.
Good morning, Myrna.
Good morning, Mr. Madison.
Did I ever tell you
you are beautiful?
No, nobody has.
What do they know?
You're a sight for sore eye...
What are you smelling?
What are you using?
Pine perfume? Yes.
You smell like a log cabin.
But I'm still happy to be
here, away from that pest.
What pest? My roommate.
I love you, I love my
office, I love my desk...
What happened to my desk?
Nice, huh? What
do you mean, nice?
It's all cleaned and
there's flowers there.
What is it, a desk or a park?
Well, it was so cluttered,
and you couldn't find anything,
so... Now, I can't
find anything!
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Where'd you put my
cigars? In the top left drawer.
Top left drawer's locked
where my cigars are.
Why is it locked where my
cigars are? I need a cigar.
Try one of these instead.
Does Fidel Castro
smoke a carrot?
Myrna, this in ridiculous.
Now, what's going on?
Well, that's what I told him.
Told who? Who did you tell?
You told who? Nobody.
Talk, honey, talk! No, please.
You better talk.
Remember, you still
have folks up in the Bronx.
Come on, Felix... Felix
reached you, didn't he?
It was Felix, wasn't it?
Tell the truth! It was Felix!
Yes, yes! Mr. Unger
made me do it
and he made me
promise not to tell you
and I told you and I'm sorry
and I can't keep a secret!
You see, Myrna?
There's no place to hide.
You're the best
secretary I ever had.
Disorganized, sloppy, lazy.
Now he's ruined you.
Now, don't feel too
bad. He's ruined me, too.
But he said you saved his life.
Yeah, and for that
he's trying to kill me.
Where's the stuff you
took from my desk?
I put it in a box. Yeah,
well, bring it here, will you?
But... Bring it, will you?!
I'm not going to let him beat
me with those eggs Benedict
and that saxophone,
that cockamamie picture
with the "thanks" on it!
Now let's get back to
the way things were.
What is that? What is that?
Slump!
(knocking)
May I come in?
What is it, Felix?
I... I wanted to apologize
to you. For what?
Well, for being silly.
That playing the
sax sort of thing.
That has no lasting value,
so I... Yeah, I'll buy that.
(laughs)
You're putting me down,
aren't you? That's very funny...
No, I didn't mean to put you
down... No, no, no. That's all right.
Put me down. Anything you want.
I want you to put me down.
No, what do you want,
Felix? I mean it sincerely.
I want you to put me
down anytime you...
Felix, tell me what you want
or I'll put you down with this!
I'm sorry. I...
I guess I'm an awful
pain in the neck
to you sometimes.
Well, anyway, I...
I realized that
playing the sax was...
It falls so far short
of any kind of decent
tribute to you that I...
What is it? Look at it.
What I want to do...
is buy time on a local radio
station and have this taped
so that people
everywhere will know
what kind of guy you really are.
"The following is a commercial
announcement for Oscar Madison."
♪ "O" is for the
oldest friend I know ♪
♪ "S" is for the way
he saved my life ♪
♪ "C" stands for
courage and... ♪
♪ "A" is the alertness
that he showed ♪
♪ "R" means risk and
he took a big one ♪
♪ "M-A-D" is what
he gets at me ♪
♪ But I... (whistles) ♪
♪ Feel like a "S-O-N" to him ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ That's Oscar Madison ♪
♪ He's big daddy... ♪
♪ To us all! ♪
I understand your
problem, Oscar,
but what, what can I do?
Well, there must be
some legal recourse.
He's a public nuisance.
Give me protection! Oscar,
it's not a crime to
do things for people.
Now, should he commit a crime,
I'd be happy to
arrest him for it. Yeah?
Will you look the
other way if I kill him?
Oscar, I'm a policeman,
so please don't
ask for any favors.
Don't you see I haven't
slept since that night?
He comes into my room
every hour on the hour
to see if I'm all right.
He feels my forehead,
he takes my pulse.
Aw, gee, that's swell.
It ain't swell!
If I wanted to live
with my grandmother,
I'd move to Poughkeepsie.
FELIX: Oscar, I'm home!
My luck, so am I.
FELIX: Murray!
Hi! Hi, Felix.
What a pleasant surprise.
You staying for dinner?
Well, I'd love to, but I can't.
What are we having?
Wiener schnitzel,
for a wonderful man.
Gee, I wish I could
speak another language.
FELIX: Oscar...
I forgot to tell you
what I did for you today.
What? I can hardly wait.
I've arranged for you
to save a fortune in
alimony payments. How?
I spoke to the Internal
Revenue Service.
Internal Revenue?
They're going over
your tax returns
for a new alimony settlement.
You don't mean the
Internal Revenue?
FELIX: Yes, yes,
starting tomorrow,
they're going to pull
all your tax returns
for the past five years.
I'll bet they find plenty.
Tell me you didn't do it, Felix,
tell me it's a joke!
I did! I did!
I'll bet I save you a thousand
dollars a year at least.
Felix, they're going to kill me!
You know how I keep books.
I'll go over everything first.
Relax.
Don't worry.
Just remember.
Somebody right here likes you.
What are we going
to do with him?
Lock me, take me
away. Oscar! Oscar!
Hold it, hold it, now, hold it!
I got a great idea. What?
You know what?
Turn the tables on
him like on the TV show
that I saw last week. How? What?
It was hilarious!
What? What happened?
Well, the same thing
happened to the star
that happened
with you and Felix.
Now, you know what he did? What?
First he pretended
like his life needed
saving, you see?
Mm-hmm. Then when the
other joker saved his life,
that evened the
score. Funny, huh?
What do you mean, funny?
That makes a lot of sense.
Tell me how he did
it. How'd he do it?
Well, he choked
on a chicken bone.
(giggling)
Osc!
Osc! Yeah, Feel?
Soup's on.
Be right there.
(singing): ♪ Nights are
long since you been away ♪
♪ I think about you
all through the day ♪
♪ My buddy ♪
♪ My buddy... ♪
♪ My buddy... saved my life! ♪
Sir! Here's the place of honor!
The place of honor is changed.
You honor any place you sit.
The wake is over.
No candles? No candles.
Listen, I am so grateful to you
for calling me up and telling
me you wanted chicken.
Because there's so
many things I want
to do for you but...
I don't know where to start.
And this way you help
me... Not that you have to.
Cause anything
you want, anything...
no matter how wild,
no matter how far out.
If you want it, ask for
it, buddy, you got it!
Shut up.
Where's the chicken?
Felix, where's the chicken?
Speak, only if you're going
to tell me where the chicken is.
The chicken is in the pot.
Get it, cause
you're in my ulcer.
What's this sudden
urge for chicken all of a...
I don't know.
I just had a yen
for it. (chuckling)
I never knew you to eat chicken
that didn't come
in a bucket. Oh,
I like that man's face.
I trust it, but tonight,
I just wanted home
cooked chicken.
Forget the reason.
Oscar Madison, you asked for it!
What kind of chicken is that?
Chicken Cartarelli.
I just wanted plain chicken.
Plain chicken is
for a plain man.
You're far from a
plain man, Oscar.
You inspired this.
I think it's the
best I ever made.
Yeah? Well, let
me have it. Yeah.
Try it.
If you like it, nod.
(coughing)
Osc! Hey!
What's the matter?
I'm choking on a bone.
No, no, that's impossible.
What's impossible?
Choking to death!
No... it's boneless chicken.
No bones? No bones.
How did it walk?
(doorbell buzzing)
FELIX: Oscar, could
you see who that is?
Yeah, I'll see who...
I wonder who's calling
this time of the night.
I can't imagine who it could be.
Yes, sir, ah, so, Japanese,
what are you Japanese,
what are you doing here?
I'll break your butt!
Don't throw that in here!
Felix! Come here!
Oh, my God.
What? Look, what
he threw in there!
Japanese threw a hand grenade!
A hand grenade! Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh. Don't do that!
(overlapping chatter)
Run!
You saved my
life! Save yourself!
Save yourself! Oh!
You saved my life. We're
even! What's the matter?
What is it?
What?
What is it?
Must be a dud.
Well, it was very
brave of you anyway,
and now we're even.
Felix, you shouldn't
have done it.
You could have been killed.
Not very likely.
It's a lighter.
(laughing)
One of the kids from the
building must have been
pulling a prank on you.
(laughing) Yeah, but
you didn't know that.
You did it anyway.
You could have saved my life.
But I didn't.
(singing): ♪ My buddy ♪
♪ My buddy... ♪
I'm still his buddy.
(whistling)
Bedtime, pal.
Oh, I think I'll
just stay out here
and read a little bit.
You know what's going
to happen, don't you?
You're going to fall asleep.
You're going to get
your clothes all wrinkled.
Oh, I'm fine, pal.
You know what I'll do?
I'll get up early in the morning
and press them for you.
Good night, lifesaver.
Good night, lifesavee.
(gas hissing)
Oh... oh... Felix!
Felix! What?
Oh, I can't breathe!
Oh, I can't breathe!
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
I, I can't breathe.
Oscar... Uh, gas.
Gas. Gas? (gasping)
(coughing)
Oscar! I can't...
(honking) I can't...
(honking)
(gasping)
(honking)
(coughing)
(gasping)
(gasping)
Oh... (gasping)
Look at this.
Not enough gas to fry an egg
and he passes out.
I could leave, and
nobody would know.
All right, let's
go, wise fellow.
I'm telling you, Nancy,
if he doesn't cut it out,
they're going to put me away.
He's in my room now
shining my shoe trees.
Yeah, I'm still going to
give him one more try.
If that doesn't work, I'm
going to throw him out.
I'm going to get him to
save me the way I saved him.
(door shuts) I
can't explain now.
I'll call later. Bye bye, honey.
(hangs up phone)
Hi, Felix.
Hey, Felix, listen, you...
can empty the trash can now.
I finished typing.
Thank you, Oscar.
Yeah, I want to
see the Big Dipper.
Cause it's out tonight.
I don't want to miss it.
You want me to
photograph it for you?
When you come back,
it'd be nice. All right.
Gee, you need a
new basket, don't you?
I'll buy you a nice wicker one.
Better yet,
I'll take a course
and weave you one.
Boy.
Help! Help!
Help!
Help! Oscar?
Help! Help! Oh, trouble!
I'm getting out of here!
Help! Oscar, hey!
What are you doing out there?
I'm doing chin-ups.
Chin-ups? I thought
you were Felix.
Did you see him on
your way in here? Yeah,
he went down in an
apartment down the hall.
Oh, well, he'll be coming back.
Get out of here, will
you? Oh, I just came by
to see if the chicken
bone thing worked.
No, he made boneless chicken.
Well, it won't work
without a bone, Oscar.
Good-bye, Murray.
Go take some graft, will you?
Thanks. Thanks.
Sports writers... all alike.
Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Mr. Madison...
Oh, my luck!
I don't believe it.
What were you doing?
I was practicing
for a fire drill. Oh.
Did you see Mr. Unger out there?
No, was I supposed to?
What do you want, Myrna?
I have to pick up another copy
of yesterday's column
cause the printer
lost a couple of pages.
So what are you
getting undressed for?
Come on, I'll give
it to you right away.
(mumbling)
Oscar!
Mrs. Johnson just called
me in her apartment.
There's a man hanging
out the window on this floor!
She couldn't see where it was...
You have a nice room.
Help! (sighing)
Mr. Madison, there's a
person hanging there.
He usually is.
So, you're not going to
help... All right, forget it.
Don't ask any questions,
Myrna, just go, will you?
The bigger they are, the
weirder they are. Help me!
Help me! Oscar, help me!
Felix. Help!
I'll save you under
one condition. What?
If I save your life
you'll never thank me
for saving your life again.
I promise, Oscar. Okay, come on.
Pull. Pull. Help me. Help me up.
Why don't you get a hand up.
Come on, that's a guy. Try.
There you go. Oh, oh.
(sighing)
Oh, oh. That a boy. Good boy.
There we go. Oh, Oscar.
What? What? Oscar.
I saw the grim reaper again.
And Big Bertha? And Big Bertha.
And lopsided Kruger? Yes.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
I learned something
from this experience.
How many times in life
do you come face to face
with the ultimate reality?
La Comedia est finit.
I'll tell you frankly,
I've never considered
the possibility
of Felix Unger dying.
I have.