The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 16 - Speak for Yourself - full transcript

(indistinct shouting)

You were wrong, Murray,
you were wrong!

Oscar, you should never
question the umpire's decision.

Besides, I'm a policeman,

and this badge means I'm honest.

And these thick glasses
mean you're blind.

You're a rotten umpire.

What do you mean, rotten?

Eh, I tag that guy out,
you call him safe.

He comes tearing into
me, spikes flying...

He throws a gigantic
block in my body!



Oscar,
he was only nine years old.

How long is he going to
use that as a copout?

Aw, come on, let's forget
about the game, and let's eat.

Where's Felix?

He's trying to make
up with Gloria.

She caught him going
through her garbage.

What was he looking
for in her garbage?

You know how jealous he is.

He was probably
looking for male hair.

He always drove her crazy.

Well, they must have
gotten along sometime.

After all, he proposed to her,

didn't he?

No, Felix never proposed to her.



She proposed to him?

No.

Well, who proposed to her?

Me!

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down,
he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday
he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men
share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

But why didn't Felix
propose to Gloria?

Didn't you ever hear that story?

What story?

About me propos...
it's the greatest No.

Story in the whole world!

Here, eat the nice
sandwich I made for you.

I'll tell it to you.

What's the matter?
Don't you like the...

No, no, it's fine, it's fine.

It's just that...
I like it better

when Felix makes
the sandwiches, that's all.

You notice how he...
he-he trims...

all of the crust away
from the bread?

And how he never puts
too much mayonnaise on it,

and-and he only uses
just the tender,

soft part of the lettuce.

Here, find the soft, tender part
of the lettuce. Here...

Oscar, tell me about how
you proposed to Gloria.

Well, you know, I met Felix
in the early '50s, see?

He had just broken up
with his girlfriend, Dorothy,

a dietician... you know.

She ran away with
Kate Smith's drummer.

Well, I met him one night
and he was very depressed,

and I figured I'd fix him up
with a blind date,

somebody I knew
who would cheer him up.

But he wanted to put it off.
He didn't want to accept a date

with a stranger from a stranger.

See, but I talked him into it.

I told the girls to meet us
here at the apartment.

I figured I'd clean
it up nice for 'em...

Ha! Toro! Ya-ha!

Wayo!

He-ya, ho!

(humming)

(grunts)

I said I'd make it lower
so I can dunk it.

(door buzzes)

Hey, Felix!
How are you?

Come on in.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Hey, let me hang up your hat.

Thank you.
There you go.

Come on in.

I thought we were meeting
the girls at your place.

This is my place.

Don't you like it?

It's... it's
quaint, it's...

A place to hang your hat, huh?

Well, you, you've, uh...

you've done everything
you could with what you had.

(hiccups)
Yeah.

Oh, I've got an evening
lined up for you.

It's just great.
(hiccups)

What's the matter?

Dor... (hiccups)

Dor... (hiccups)
Dor...(hiccups)

I think your needle's stuck.

Dorothy... not only
broke my heart,

she also gave me
(hiccups) hiccups.

Well, listen, I didn't
think they were catching.

Sit down, will you? I want to
clean up a little bit for the girls.

She was the first
dietician I ever...

I ever dated...

(hiccups)

I break up with a girl,
I get drunk...

You get the hiccups.

Actually, it was
the crying afterwards.

Crying afterwards?

(sniffling): I'm a very
emotional man, Oscar.

I cry, I sneeze, I itch,

I lose my voice...

My body is my own worst enemy.

Well, you got to relax.
Stop worrying about Dorothy.

I know, I...

I've lost the hiccups.

Yeah, it seems so.

(clearing throat)
(sniffling)

(honking)

No, you haven't.

Now they're coming
out of your nose.

Sinus problem.

Symptoms, I'm a
mass of symptoms.

Whenever I'm nervous, I get...

I'm nervous about tonight.

What are you nervous about?

The deck is stacked
in your favor.

And when I say stacked,
buddy... (honking)

I mean stacked.
Wait till you see her.

I know. I know
you're trying

to help me all you can,

but I'm always nervous
when I have a blind date.

(sniffling, clears throat)

What do I say to her?

Well, tell her that she's nice.

Yeah? So she won't
think she's cheap.

Want a drink?

No, no, no...
no, thanks.

Make yourself comfortable,
I'll be right back.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Putting away your shirts.

Why?

You said I should make
myself comfortable.

Putting away my shirts
makes you comfortable?

I hate mess!

Boy, I'm sure glad
I don't have to live with you.

(chuckling)

There I go.

What?

Doing it again.

Somebody befriends me,
and I alienate him.

I just... I just...

Oh, no,
I was only kidding, Felix.

Look, I, I'm going
to go put on my jacket.

Look, why don't you
entertain yourself?

What should I do?

Play some ping-pong.

(door buzzes)

(sneezes)

OSCAR: Well, get
that, will you, Unger?

(clearing throat)

WOMAN:
Hello.

You must be Felix.

Yes, I'm Felix Unger.

I'm Gloria Schaffer.
It's so nice to meet you.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, too.

OSCAR:
Gloria?

Listen, you two talk,
will you? I'll be right out.

I've heard so much about you.

Really?
What have you heard?

I'm sorry.

May I take your coat?

Oh, thank you.

I've been looking forward
to this evening all week.

Are you lonely like me?

No, I just like to go out
and have a good time.

Ditto.

Won't you s...

Well, tell me about yourself.
Where are you from?

What's your background?
What does your father do?

Hi, Gloria. What'll
you have? Oh, nothing.

Thank you. I don't
drink. Neither do I.

I do. I need another beer.

I don't smoke, either.

Oh, neither do I.

It's such an untidy habit.

I hate it. I hate it.

I-I like tidy habits.

I could tell that just
from looking at you.

You seem so... neat.

I am.

You seem neat, too.

I... I don't mean that only
the way the kids say neat.

You look clean.

Thank you.

Can't sell you a drink,
how about an hors d'oeuvre?

Ooh, I'd love one.
Yeah.

Go on, take an olive, Felix,
they make you passionate.

What's that, what's...?

I'm allergic to olives.

You okay now?
Yeah.

You should have seen him
ten minutes ago, he was...

(mutters)
What's that?

Can I... Would you excuse us
for just a minute?

Oh, certainly.

May I speak to you
for just a minute? Sure.

But leave the olives.
Sure.

This girl is fantastic.

Great, I'm glad you like her.

Yeah, but...
watch what you say.

You could ruin
the whole evening.

Well, what do you care?
It's not your date.

She's not?

No, I got you the good one.

No...

no, Gloria's a good one.

No, this one is better.

Better than Gloria?

No contest.
(door buzzing)

Would you like me to get that?

No, I'll get it.

Hmm, trust me.

Hi! I'm Mitzi!

Ooh, you're cute!

(giggling)

Oh, hi, Oscar!

(sneezing)

(honking)

Oh, this is funsies!

(Latin jazz playing)
Come on, let's dance.

I... I never
learned how to mambo.

Oh, it's easy.

Let's-let's just sit
this one out, Mitzi.

What do you say?

Oh, is my little
Feelie Weelie tired?

In the first place,
my name is Felix.

Knock on the door.

Peek in.

Lift up the latch.

Walk in, chin-chopper,
chin-chopper.

Mitzi, this is a public place!

Oh, it is?

It looks so nice.

Would you please excuse me?

Sure.
Going to the sandbox?

Would you mind if I tag along?

I have to powder my nose.

Oscar, I want to talk to you.
I know, I know.

You want to fix it so you
can be alone. Yes, please.

You're really starting
to go for her, huh?

I want to be alone by myself.

I can't abide her.

Are you kidding?

You got it made
in the shade, there!

I know that,
according to your likes,

you're helping me all you can,

but I think we have slightly
different tastes in girls.

I prefer a girl who's
quiet and ladylike...

attractive and refined.

What for?

I want to be with Gloria.

I can't believe it.

I don't blame you.
I'm a rotten friend.

Go ahead... beat me, flog me!

With what? The spaghetti?

Why?

Well...

I'm a rat to suggest it, I know,

but the two of us
seemed to hit it off.

Well, go figure people.

If that's what you want,
you got it.

You don't mind?
Of course not.

But won't this ruin your
evening?

Are you kidding?

I pray for
ruined evenings like this.

Oh, this is... From now
on, Gloria's with you,

and that's the end of it.
How are we gonna do this?

We don't want to offend
anybody. Oh, don't worry.

You cool it,
I'll take care of everything.

Here they come.
All right...

The main thing
is, be subtle, subtle.

Oh, I'll be subtle. They won't
know anything about it.

Sit down.
Did you miss us?

Ah! Girls, Felix
wants to switch.

Gloria, you're with him.
You, come over here.

Hey, teach me that
chin-chopper game, will you?

Okay, I'll show you.

Knock on the door...

(jazz playing)

(gasps)

That's my favorite song!

What are we sitting
here for, honey?

Let's do it!
(squeals)

Come on.
(giggling)

It is much nicer.

I've been so miserable
all evening.

I know.

You didn't touch your dinner.

You noticed?

I know a dietician
who couldn't have cared less.

You should eat.

Oh... the cannelloni was tough.

The spaghetti was undercooked,
and... and...

And?

And I love you.

Felix really went
all out for her.

Took her to the best
places, bought her flowers.

He was a perfect gentleman, see?

Now, she figured
that he was different

from all the guys
who took her out before.

My wife said that to me.

Boy, before she met me,
she really dated some dogs.

Go on with the story.

Oh, yeah.

Well, anyway, everything went
well for about a month, see?

Then one day, I get a call
from Felix at the office.

He says to stop by
his place after work.

I don't know what's happening,
but when I get there,

the guy looks like he's
going into cardiac arrest.

Cardiac arrest?

Yeah.

Never made one of those.

Eat, Murray, eat.

Anyway, I was very tired.

I had covered
two basketball games,

one in the afternoon
and one at night.

See, I was really beat
when I got there.

(buzzer sounds)

Where have you been?!

What do you mean,
where have I been?

Hey, it's a nice place.

You live here with your aunt?

I've been waiting
for you since 6:30.

It's now 20 minutes
of 11:00.

You told me to come after
work. This is after work.

I had to cover a ball game.

Well, why didn't you call me?

If you called me,
at least I wouldn't

sit here worrying
myself to death!

Yeah, I guess I
should have call...

Wait a minute, buddy.

I don't even call my
mother when I'm late.

Well, you should!

Wait a minute.

I mean, I hardly know you.

Don't you have any other friends
you could talk to?

I'm sorry, I'm just so...

Sit down, please.
Just forgive me.

I-I'm a nervous wreck.
(squishing)

You forgot to unwrap
your furniture.

No, this keeps it clean.

It's nice.
Oscar...

(squishing)
Are you listening to me?

Yeah. I need your
help, and I need it bad.

What is this?

You use your cuff as an ashtray?

It's all right.
I got sand in it.

(sighs)

What, is it about Gloria?

Yes, it's about Gloria.

I've got to marry her.

You've got to marry her?

And fast.

You?

A man who covers up every
piece of his furniture...

Oh, Oscar, please!

I love her,
and I want to marry her.

Now, tell me, honestly,
what do you think?

Well, if you love her,
you should marry her.

But I haven't known her all
that long, and I-I don't know,

maybe I'm not ready
for marriage.

Well, then you
shouldn't marry her.

I've got to act fast.

She's leaving the day
after tomorrow for Korea

with the U.S.O. show.

Maybe she'll meet
some hotshot pilot over there

or Les Brown's drummer.

You're right.

Then you should marry her.

But should I rush into the most
important decision of my life?

See, you're right again.

You shouldn't marry her.

But I love her.

So tell me, what do you think?

Well, let me sum it up for you.

On one hand, some of
the things you say

indicate you should marry her.

On the other hand, some
of the things you say

indicate that you
shouldn't marry her.

In other words,
some of the things you say

indicate you should marry her.

On the other hand,
some of the things you say

indicate you shouldn't
marry her.

And that's my opinion.

You're very perceptive.

Thank you.

Okay.

Thanks for your opinion.

Oh, I'm sure everything
will work out.

Look, I got to go.
Wait, no.

I-I want your opinion on a poem.

Poem? Look, guys and
dolls I know about.

Affairs of the heart. Poems I
don't know anything about, fellow.

I'm going to memorize this and
recite this to Gloria when I propose.

Well, you better recite...
Not to me. (clears throat)

All right, all right, go
ahead. Please, help me.

(honks)
All right.

It's one of
Shakespeare's sonnets.

"Let me not to the marriage
of true minds

"admit impediment.

"Love is not love,

"which alters when it
alteration finds,

"Or bends with the remover
to remove: Oh, no.

"It is an ever-fixed mark

"that looks on tempests
and is never shaken.

It is..."

You seem touched.

Why?

I think my cuff's on fire.

(rock and roll tune playing)

Hop-hop-hop!

Ooh, don't you just
love the Bunny Hop?!

Yeah, when you're doing it
with the right bunny.

Oh, you silly!
(giggles)

Oh, there's Feelie!
Come on, Felix!

Come in here, buddy!
It's great. Hi, Felix!

Come on, be a bunny!
Okay, come on.

(giggles)

I couldn't hear you
because of the music.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Oh, oh, isn't he cute?
What's the matter?

Oh, I forgot, you don't
drink. What's the matter?

Your throat?

What's he looking for?

Oh, he lost something.

You lost your throat,
you lost your voice.

Ooh, Charades!

Hurts, hurts, hurts, ooh.

How'd you do it?

How'd you do it?

What?

It's a movie.

How many letters?

Six, six letters
and it sounds...

What does it sound like?

Sounds like, sounds like,
sounds like, uh, waves.

It sounds like waves, it
sounds like what, curves.

Curves, sounds likes
curves, curves.

Curves, slerves, derves,
nerves, blerves.

Blerves? Sounds
like bl-bl-bler...?

Nerves, nerves, nerves, nerves.

Nerves Over the Pacific.

Two Nerves from Newark?

Honey, why don't you go play
in the sandbox for a minute?

Tell me...
Ooh.

Can I have a quarter
for the sand lady?

Here.

Tell me, will you?

What is it?

Ring, third finger, right.

Yeah, Pope?
You're praying?

No, no.

Proposing.

You're proposing.

To me, you're proposing.

I can't accept.

What? You want
me to propose?

To you?

To Gloria.

You want me to
propose to Gloria.

You're crazy, I'm
not gonna do that.

Look, why don't you go act it out
like you did for me? She'll get it.

Go ahead.

What? What's
the matter?

You can't read a menu to her?

Oh, you can't recite that poem.

It's better you don't recite it.

Let her read it.
It'll be better.

That's a better idea.

Play the violin.

Me, I don't play the violin.

Oh, yeah, it'd be more
romantic if I did it,

but you're crazy, 'cause
I'm not gonna do it.

What's the hurry?

Take a tranquilizer,
your throat,

the voice will come back,
everything will be all right.

What?! What is that?!

Why can't you?!

(whispers):
Why can't you?

Because Gloria

is flying

to a Japanese restaurant.

To Korea.

To Korea, yes, to entertain
General MacArthur,

the troops, everything,
yes, I know.

So? And you...

are gonna hang yourself.

Go ahead and do it, 'cause I
got a big evening with Mitzi.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

What's that?

Thank you.

Right, for breaking your heart.

Thank me for
breaking your heart.

Good-bye.

Forever.

That's the way it is, good-bye.

No.

Come on, all right, I'll do it,
I'll do it, I'll do it.

Come on. I'm sorry. Come on.

Come on, will you?

You go to a complete stranger?
You shouldn't do that.

Now, look...

Oh, there you are.

Hi, Oscar.
Hi, Gloria.

Oh, what happened?

When I got here, you were gone,

and the door was open,
and I found this note.

"Dear, Gloria, please come in
and make yourself comfortable.

"Have some champagne.

"I selected it just for you.

"If I'm not back in ten
minutes, go on your way,

"but always remember somewhere
there's a caring heart.

"I'll try to be back.

"I went to see someone.

"I'll tell you later who it was.

Be right back..."

What did you do,
write her a novel?

Look, Gloria, I'm sorry,
I don't have much time.

I left Mitzi in a bar

with two merchant marines
and a glass blower.

Now, you know about
his neuroses,

and now he's so nervous
he's lost his voice.

Oh, you poor...

Can I do anything for you?

What?
Yeah, what?

Me. Oh, yes,
on the way over,

he wrote a whole lot
of instructions for me.

Here it is.
Now, I got to get it over,

'cause I don't have
much time, okay?

One, get on knee.

Okay.
(clapping)

What's the difference
where I get on the knee?

One, get on knee.

Two, bubbly, bubbly.

Oh, Gloria. I want to...

What?

Oh, that kind of bubbly.

Would you get
the music cued, please?

Not much time.

Bubbly, bubbly...

(soft jazz playing)

Oh, how sweet.

Our song.

Yes, I know, it says here, four.

Romantic, romantic.

Too romantic.

I guess you wonder why Felix
asked you here, right?

Well, I had been
planning on packing,

but he said it was
important. Yeah.

Well, it's because he thinks
you are one great chick.

And he would like you...

What?

All right, the poem.

No, I'm not gonna do the poem.

The poem, I'm not gonna...
I don't care!

I don't care, Jose Greco,
I'm not gonna do it.

Fellas, I like a good joke, too,

but I've got to get up
early in the morning. I...

(squeaking)
All right, don't panic.

Gloria, just one minute.
Don't panic. Look...

The poem is you.

If you were reading it, fine.

Let me do it my way...

Go stand in the corner!
Go stand!

Quickly! Quickly!

Gloria, look,
this is ridiculous.

I-I know it seems
crazy to you, but...

see, Felix wanted this to
be a perfect night for you...

A night that you'd
remember forever.

That's the kind
of guy he is, see.

I haven't known him a long time,
but I know he's a generous,

thoughtful, loving guy.

And he would break his back
to make anybody happy.

And he'd do anything in
the world to make you happy.

See, I think he's kind
of a special person.

He thinks you're
kind of a special person,

and I think together
you could be special people.

Gloria, I'm saying this
so lousy,

but, Gloria, will
you marry Felix?

I'd love to!

Oh!

(chuckles):
Oh, Felix...

I love you.

(squeaks):
I love you.

So Felix got his voice back
in time to say "I do,"

and that was it.

Oh, Oscar...

I'm such a pushover
for a love story.

(sniffling)

Here, Murray, blow your nose.

Thanks.