The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 15 - Security Arms - full transcript

(gargling)

(gargling continues)

(muffled yelling):
Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar!

Hiya, buddy.
Having breakfast?

Oscar!

Tastes good?

Oscar!

What, your sinuses
acting up again?

What? What's the matter?



What happened?

Looks like we've been robbed!

Yes!

My color TV is gone!
Yes!

My typewriter!
Yes.

Did you see them?
Mm-mm!

Oh, you did see them!

They took my tape recorder!

All my notes!

Oscar?
What?

Get over here!

What is it?

Untie me!

Oh, untie you.
I'm sorry!



(screams)

What happened to you?!

Oh, nothing.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down,
he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday
he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men
share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

They even took my Washington
Centennial cookbook.

My luck, gourmet robbers.

Let me make sure
I got the description

you gave me, Felix.

"Two male Caucasians,

"both about six feet,
one had mud on his shoes...

and a tomato stain
on his shirt."

The other one needed a haircut.

A haircut.

Oh, Murray,
it was so frightening

to walk into your apartment

and see two criminals
ransacking the place.

I said to them,

"This is the most outrageous
example of anti-social behavior

I have ever seen!

You really said that, Felix?

Oh, absolutely.

You bet I did.

That's when they taped my mouth.

They didn't touch my room.

They took one look
and figured someone

had probably beaten them to it.

This thing's sure put you
in a bad mood.

Forgive me if I seem
to be a killjoy,

but being bound and gagged
for nine hours

tends to rob one
of his spirit and fun.

Why didn't you wake up?

Didn't you hear me
honking there all night long?

You honk every night.

You make every night
New Year's Eve.

I must say you've got

a very casual attitude
towards this.

Thank you.
It isn't easy with you around.

Did you ever?

You know, there was an assault

in this building last month.

Mr. Sweetzer
was attacked.

That doesn't count.

He was attacked
by Mrs. Sweetzer.

You want to know something?

I'm glad we were robbed

It cuts down our chances
on being robbed again

Right, Murray?

It's not true, Oscar.

Lots of places get robbed twice.

You just don't understand
the criminal mind.

Yes, I do.
I was married to it.

Don't you care about crime

in your own neighborhood?

I care about my color
TV and my typewriter.

You may not care
if you're killed,

but don't you care
at least if I'm killed?

I go back and forth.

Boys, please, let's keep
personalities out of this.

Now, do you have a list
of all the stolen goods?

Yes, yes.
Where is it?

The list,
the list... Here.

Now, everything that
was stolen that I know of.

Here are the warranties,
serial numbers,

date of purchase where known,

slight descriptions of things.

Gee, I have never had
so many clues.

It helps with the insurance.

I don't have any insurance.

You don't have insurance, Oscar?

Well, Roy told me to cut down
on my expenses,

so I cancelled the policy.

A man who spends $60 a month
on potato chips

cuts down on his insurance?

You're impossible!

Hey, look, they even
stole my cigars.

That's one thing
to be grateful for.

(honking)

Come on, Felix, Felix, Felix!

Relax, will you!

You, you've just got
the "big city jitters".

What with the killing,
the shooting,

the stabbings, the spitting...

Spitting?

Lot of jitters.

I'm not the only one, huh?

Gosh, no.

You know, a lot of people
are moving out

of these old buildings

into these new
maximum-security places.

I guess they've lost their faith
in the police.

Are these places reliable?

They must be.

My Captain lives in one.

Oscar, you hear this?

Oh, you're just chicken.

We had a saying in my
neighborhood when I was a kid.

"If you can't stand the heat,
get out of Hell's Kitchen."

I can just see
you guys standing around

chuckling over that one
in your black leather jackets.

Well, fellas,
I got to get downtown

and get cracking on this.

I got a few ideas already.

FELIX: Murray? Yeah?

You forgot your notebook.

Thanks, Felix.

Murray?
Yeah?

You're going to be the only cop

who retires a rookie.

Everybody picks
on the men in blue!

What are you doing?

What does it look
as though I'm doing?

I'm cleaning up this mess.

Why don't you help me?

I kind of like it this way.

I'm going to work.

How could you go to work

in the midst
of a crisis like this?

Because I'm too poor
now to take a vacation.

It's people like you

who are turning this city
into a jungle.

You're an ostrich!

You bury your head in the sand.

You refuse to...

Very funny!

Oscar.

Oscar, wake up.

Wake up, Oscar,

I've got to talk to you.

Oscar, wake up!

What is it?

What is it?
Was it a raid, what?

I'm not mad at you.

What time is it?

3:30.

3:00...
You're not mad at me?!

I'm mad at you!

Come on, Oscar, wake up.

Wake up!

I've got to talk to you.
Come on!

Somehow, I like this room
better in the dark.

So do I, especially
when I'm trying to sleep.

Come on!
Wake up! Wake up!

I've got to talk to you.
Wake up!

I've made an important decision.

You're going to put on a cape,

travel the world by night,
poking people awake?

Friends are supposed
to protect each other.

I've decided we're moving out of
this dangerous neighborhood.

You're really concerned
with my welfare, aren't you?

Yes.

Then why do I hate you?

Because you know I'm right.

Felix, at 3:30 in the
morning, nobody's right.

I appreciate your
concern, but I'm not moving.

I'm going to go look

at one of those maximum-
security buildings that...

You're not going
to listen to me, huh?

All right.

I'll move in with
Gloria till then,

if she'll let me.

Ah, she'll let me
for a couple of days.

Aw, come on. Aren't you
going to change your mind?

Move with me!

Good night, Felix.

You know, I'm glad
it happened in this room.

It makes leaving
that much easier.

It's all so funny, isn't it?

Is it gonna be a long
funny or a short funny?

Here we are separating quietly

over a simple difference
of opinion.

It's gonna be a long funny.

After all the yelling
and fighting we've had,

the final parting
of the ways is over

a simple philosophical argument.

Fascinating all right, isn't it?

No yelling, no fighting.

As the poet, T.S. Elliot said,

"Not with a bang,
but a whimper."

"This is the way the world ends,

"this is the way the world ends,

"this is the way the world ends,

not with a bang,
but a whimper."

In an earlier century,
Thomas Gray observed:

"The paths of glory...

Get out, Felix! Get out,
Felix! The paths of glory..."

Get out of the building!
(door slams)

Get out of the state!

Join the Seabees!

Join T.S. Eliot!

He's dead!

No wonder he's dead!

I keep forgetting
Felix isn't here anymore.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hiya, honey. Fine.

Yeah, I borrowed a portable TV.

Yeah, I'm going to do some work
on my column.

But best of all, I'm going
to make my favorite meal, honey.

Yeah, here it is.

Mama Mia DeLuxe frozen dinner

and Kim Foy's Mandarin
Surprise Dinner.

Well, you mix them
both together.

Are you kidding, honey?!

You haven't lived
till you've tasted chop suey

with marinara sauce.

Yeah, it's great!

What do you mean, am I afraid?

Will you cut it out?
You sound like Felix.

But you don't smell like him
and you don't look like him.

Yeah, that's why I can't wait
till I see you tomorrow night.

All right, honey.
Bye-bye.

"Afraid"?
What do they mean, "afraid"?

(door creaking)

I lost my falcon.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Oscar, you're
still living there?

Felix, you've only been gone
for 12 hours.

How are things at Gloria's?

We had a big argument.

She puts cocktail napkins
on the dinner table.

The kids are going to think
they grew up in a bar.

Poor Gloria.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing my dinner.

You're not mixing Chinese
and Italian?

No, Felix, no, no.

I found the perfect place
to live.

It's really nice.

It's over on 59th Street.

It's called the Security Arms.

Security Arms? Yeah.

Yeah, it's totally safe.

I thought, I thought I'd go over
tomorrow

and take a look at it.

Well, have your Security.

Yeah. Well, I was wondering

maybe you'd like to come along,

look the place over with me.

Why should I look at a place
I'm never going to move into?

You're determined to stay
in that death trap?

Boy, I'm telling you, I wish
people would stop bugging me.

It's giving me the creeps!

You see?
You're nervous there.

Good-bye, Felix.

'Fraidy cat...

(siren wailing)

(tires squealing)

(loud crash)

(whistle blows)

(gunshots)

(woman screams)

(gunshots continue)

(machine gun firing)

Felix, what time are you going

to go look at that building
tomorrow?

(gunfire continues)

You know, you were very
rude to the doorman.

I don't like to be frisked
when I enter a building.

He didn't frisk you.

He just asked for
your identification.

That's a very normal precaution.

I like it.
Yeah?

Well, I'm sorry, Felix,

I get the feeling
I'm being watched.

Oh, you're overreacting.

MAN (over speaker): I'll be
with you in a second, fellas.

Sit down.

Now you see?

Big Brother is watching us.

That's a loud speaker.

You've heard them at ball games.

Good afternoon, fellas.

Sit! Down!

G. Martin Duke's the name.

Safety's my game.

Oscar Madison.

Felix Unger.
This must be one

of the watchdogs I read
about in the brochure, huh?

Oh no, he's too small for that.

Too small?
Yes.

Uh, Peaches is my
own personal pet.

Uh-huh.

If he's a pet, why do you
have a muzzle on him?

Well, I've learned never
to be too sure of anything.

If man can turn on man,
why not man's best friend?

May we see one of
the apartments?

Certainly.

Stay.

Sit.

(intercom buzzes)

Mr. Duke?
Mr. Duke?

Mel here.

There's a water deliveryman
at the door,

but he's not the regular guy.

Did you check
his identification, Mel?

It checks out.

He says he's the relief man.

Well, ask the gentleman
to step in front of the scanner.

This is our finest feature.

Cameras scan the whole building,

and it comes through
on the screen.

We like to think
it makes every tenant

a watchman.
Oh, goodie.

I always wanted
to be a watchman.

He looks familiar.
Pass him through.

Right.

But take a drink of water first,
just in case.

Wait a minute, what kind
of question is this?

"Describe your temperament."
Right there.

Just another precaution.

Oh, really? Well, to
tell you the truth,

I don't think it's any
of your business.

Well, that's all right.

I think I have
enough information.

Now, if you'll excuse me
for a second,

and then we'll go up
and look at an apartment.

"Madison given
to temper outbursts."

Gentlemen.

Ah, yes.

Oh... this is lovely.

Yeah, early sterile.

Look at this beautiful painting,
a black doughnut.

It's a little cold at first,

but after we add
the personal touch.

Yeah, we'll bring in
a goldfish for warmth.

Well, we'll bring
our things in here,

move some of this
furniture a little bit.

Oh, uh, the furniture's
not moveable, Mr. Unger.

It's bolted down.

What if you had a rocking chair?

Chains.
Chains.

It makes it impossible to steal.

It's for your own
good. Very good.

Very good. What
kind of glass is this?

The finest.

You can see out,
but nobody can spy in.

We're 20 floors up.

Who's gonna spy in,
a peeping pigeon?

Mr. Madison,
it's for your own good.

Mr. Duke, when I look back at
the best times of my life,

none of them was
for my own good.

If you don't like it here,

we do have a long waiting list.

Excuse me, excuse me,

Mr. Madison, may I
talk to you a minute?

What are you trying to do?

Trying to ruin everything?

You said you wanted to move.

Yeah, but not into
solitary confinement.

Felix, the place
gives me the creeps.

Oh, and waking up in the morning

and finding your roommate

bound and gagged and tortured,

that fills you with confidence?

When are you going
to forget about that?

When the rope burns go away.

I asked you to move
like a gentleman,

and you told me to go
live with a dead poet.

Then I called you up

and gave you another
opportunity,

at which time you
hung up in my face

with a mouth full of soy sauce.

Then you called me, a man
with terror in his voice

and you said, "Felix, please
let me go in with you."

And I opened up my heart to you,

and you've plunged in the
dagger of ingratitude.

Okay, okay, lay off, MacBeth.

I'll do it.
Anything you want, I'll do it.

Just stop it.

I'll sign the lease.

Fingerprint me.

Oscar, this kitchen is a dream.

Well, the bedroom's a nightmare.

Only because you added your
personal touch... filth.

My stuff is the only thing
I like in there.

Do you know there's a lamp
beside my bed I can't turn off?

It's a night light.

Yeah, well, I can't turn it off.

It's shining right on the bed.

I don't like to get a tan
when I'm sleeping.

What are you doing?

I wonder if Duke's on the other
side of this mirror looking in.

So ridiculous.

Why do you have to go out the
first night in a new place?

I got a date with Nancy.

Well, bring her here.

Gloria's coming
over at 8:00.

I'm making a lovely dinner

to patch up the fight we had.

She's still mad about
the napkins, huh? Yeah.

Calls me a dictator.

Leave that alone!

The woman knows you, Felix.

Would a dictator prepare
all her favorite dishes?

Veal piccata, zucchini,

zabaglione.
They're your favorites.

And in time, they'll be
her favorites.

I'm taking Nancy to the movies.

Why don't you stay here?

It's so nice

and safe.
It's for your own good.

Felix, stop it.
I'm tired of hearing about safe.

After I go to the movies,

I'm going to get a fistful
of dollar bills.

I'm gonna stick them in
all my pockets.

I'm going to go to Central Park

and I'm gonna say
"Mug me, mug me!"

Go. Go.

I'm going.
Don't worry, I'm going.

(alarm bell rings)
Look at this.

They're off and I haven't
placed a bet yet.

Must be a fire drill.

(buzzes)
Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger.

Yes. Yes.

G. Martin Duke speaking.

You have an unregistered guest
out here.

Female, Caucasian, blonde hair,

five-foot-four,
small scar on right hand,

38-26-34.

Gloria.

Mr. Duke, that's my wife
you've got down there.

I'll put on my scanner.

Uh, move in front of the camera
for positive identification.

Oh, look at Gloria.

Doesn't she look nice?

Yeah, I recognized her

by the scar on her
Caucasian right hand.

Felix, why are you
doing this to me?

Why do you invite me to dinner

and then have me arrested?

Arrested?

Mr. Duke, what's
going on down there?

Sorry about this, Mr. Unger.

Standard operating procedure.

Felix, what kind of a building
did you move into?

You'll love it...

You'll love it, Gloria.

I've made a beautiful dinner.

Look.

Am I going to have
to eat it handcuffed?

DUKE:
Sorry about this, Mr. Unger.

But why didn't you
register your wife?

It's in our tenant's manual.

"Management must be informed
of the arrival of all guests.

"If it's to be
an overnight guest,

management must be notified
by 10:00 p.m."

What kind of
a stupid rule is that?

A lot of times
I don't know by 10:00

if my guest is going
to stay overnight.

Gloria can hear every word
you're saying.

I'm sorry, Mr. Duke, I've only
reached page 51 in the manual.

Could you send my wife
up now, please?

I'm sorry, Mr. Unger,

but I can't release her
until Mel gets back.

OSCAR:
Who's Mel?

Our security guard.

No guest is permitted

to wander around the
building unaccompanied.

That's in the manual, too.

It sounds like the guy
who wrote your manual

also wrote Mein Kampf.

I'd bring her up myself,

but I can't leave the office

and there's no one else
around here I trust.

Why don't you send her up
with Peaches?

(barks)

GLORIA:
I'm getting a migraine,

and it's a bad one.

Even my eyebrows hurt.

I'm coming down to get you,
Gloria.

I'm sorry, but the manual
states...

You can take your manual...

Door's locked.
I can't get out.

From the inside
the door is locked?

That's our interior lock.

Once the door is bolted
from the inside,

you need the interior key
to unlock the door again.

Oscar, after I let you in
tonight, I bolted the door.

I gave you the keys.
Where are they?

What keys? I don't re...
I gave you the new keys.

They were wrapped in
tissue paper. Where are they?

They were in the
tissue paper? Yes.

They're in the East River.

I flushed them down the toilet

along with a half a tunafish
sandwich and a banana peel.

I was cleaning out my pockets.

I don't believe this.
I don't believe it.

Mr. Duke,

you'll just have
to leave your post

and bring my wife up here.

Yeah, hurry up.
I got a date.

Don't you understand?

The door only unlocks
from the inside.

It's for your own good.

(honks)

I hope Gloria brought
my blue pills.

What difference does it make?

She can't get in.

What happened to the lights?

Somebody on the third
floor just got it.

Just get us out of here!

The only way now is
to break the door down.

Well, get your ax
up here and do it!

Felix, I'm scared.

We're coming, Gl...

We're coming...

We're coming, Gloria.

You bet we are.

We're busting out of here
in the first laundry truck.

Don't touch that window.

(alarm blaring)

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

(hammering on door) Felix,
do you think this is the time

to be setting the table?

FELIX Gloria's been
through a harrowing ordeal.

She'll want something to eat.

There it goes.

Oh, Felix.

Gloria, darling.

Eat, darling, eat.

The food will be getting cold.

Veal piccata?
You'll love it.

That door is coming out
of your cleaning deposit.

Your nose may be
coming off your face.

I don't like you, Madison.

No kidding, look at this.

Another birthday present
I won't be getting.

GLORIA:
Better be...

Be careful, Oscar.
He can be rough.

What do you mean,
he can be rough?

Oh, it was nothing, Felix.

No, wha-wha-what's nothing?
Explain nothing.

Well... well, he yanked
my arm a little

when I was looking
for my ID, you know...

What part of your arm
did he yank?

The lower arm or the upper arm?

Oh, it doesn't make
any difference.

It makes a great deal
of difference!

The upper arm is
much more sensual.

This whole thing is
getting out of hand.

I want you and Madison out
of here in the morning.

I'm afraid you're just
not our kind of people.

You're quite right, Mr. Duke.

We're not your kind of people.

We don't go around yanking other
men's ex-wives' upper arms.

Why, I ought to...

Security is a wonderful
thing, Mr. Duke,

but not at this price,

not with sneaky-peepy cameras
and three-way locks...

and two-way mirrors.

Who-who told you
about the mirrors?

This city is tough
enough to live in

without people like you
exploiting men's fears.

You're a horrible little man
with a horrible little mind

who has to yank people's
arms to get attention.

And we're moving
out of here at once.

(honks): And I'm
not even cleaning up.

Oh, isn't that great, Felix?!

I couldn't have said it better.

You've been saying it all along,

but I just didn't have enough
sense to listen.

DUKE: You're the kind of people
who don't appreciate anything.

I had you spotted as pinkos,
troublemakers,

the minute you set foot
in my office.

This is the safest,
most fully protected...

Mr. Duke!
Mr. Duke!

Mel, what happened?

Boss, we've been robbed.

They took the computers,
the scanner cameras, everything.

Come on, Mel.

Who could have done
such a thing?

I think it was an inside job.

Who?
Peaches.

It certainly didn't
take you long

to get your room back in shape.

You know, Oscar, you were right.

I've learned a lesson.

Sometimes you can play it
too safe.

It doesn't pay, does it?

A man has to take some risks
just to be a man.

From now on, I'm finished
playing with shadows

and jumping at every sound.

What?
Ahh!