The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 14 - And Leave the Greyhound to Us? - full transcript

Kings and tens
with an ace kicker.

What have you got? Oscar?

(snapping fingers)

Wake up, Oscar.

Wake up. What have you got?

What have you
got? Who's dealing?

Three fours.

You win again.

Okay, this time, the
game is really over.

You mean, you'd send a man home

without giving him a
chance to get even?



I've never known
you to do this, Oscar.

Salty, you've never
known me to do anything.

We never met before last night.

Yeah, but you
liked me right away.

Yeah, at midnight I loved you.
At 5:00 a.m. I was fond of you.

Now, I forgot who you came with.

My friend, my friend,
what's-his-name.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Listen, do me a favor.

Go home, will you,
if you got a home?

If not, look, I'll give you
some money for a hotel room.

One more hand, Oscar.

It's like talking to a wall.

Look, you got no
chips; you got no money.

You don't even have
paper to write IOUs with!



It's time to quit.

One more. (Felix honking)

Look at that.
Felix is waking up.

(Felix honking)

That's his 7:30 honk.

I set my watch by his nose.

I bet you his nose is fast.

Will you cut it out?

What is this?

What's going on here?

Look at this room.

Looks like the
bottom of a river.

Come on, Oscar.

Cut it out.

What, is the game
still going on?

Who is this man?

OSCAR: I don't know.

He's a friend of somebody's.

Everybody's a
friend of somebody's.

You gonna sing?

Good morning, sir.

My name is Felix Unger.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Come on, Oscar.
We'll deal him in.

Deal him in?

What are you gonna deal him
in when you got nothing to bet?

Yes, I do.

When-when did Chinese
food come in here?

1:00 this morning.

I was hoping I
wouldn't have to do this,

but I'm putting up
golden earrings.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Not his wife's jewelry.

Salty, you know
what you're doing?

I know what I'm doing.

Okay.

Oscar, Oscar, no.

Your losings against
golden earrings, okay?

Oscar, you're sinking
as low as a man can sink.

Butt out, will you, Felix?

Okay, five-card showdown.

Yeah, what have you got?

Pair of threes.

How about a hand of casino?

One more deal, Oscar.

I feel lucky.

Game is over.

I'll-I'll play you for
my contact lenses.

Out, out, out. Here's
some cab fare.

I'll cut you a high card for it.

Will you get out of my life?

Flip you for my hat. Out!

My coat? Good-bye.

My clothes? So long.

Nice to meet you, Felix!

Likewise.

Heh-heh-heh.

What are you clucking
for, Chicken Little?

You're the perfect
host, aren't you?

You take everything a man
owns, then you throw him out!

If I had any strength
left, I'd throw you out, too.

You should have seen
the look in your eyes

when you took
his wife's jewelry.

What jewelry?

Golden Earrings is a dog.

A dog?

You took a man's pet?!

Not a pet, a professional
racing dog, Felix.

And he's all mine, look!

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Wait a minute.
I'll be right back.

This is Dog City, huh?

Yeah.

Poor dog, he's
gonna miss his master.

He's gonna miss a guy who
lost him in a poker game?

Felix, racing dogs
aren't like regular dogs.

You put them in a
kennel, and you race them.

It's inhuman.

We're not dealing with humans.

No, we're not.

Felix, they treat
these dogs very nicely.

They give them good
food, lots of exercise,

a nice kennel. What about
somebody to love them?!

Somebody to stroke their
backs and scratch them

and say, "Nice doggy, nice."

How many people have that?

Oh.

MAN: Okay, now,
what can I do for you?

Uh, are you the owner?

No, I'm a cocker spaniel.

What do you want?

Well, I'd like to see my dog.

I'm the new owner
of Golden Earrings.

I don't know from names.

You got a kennel number?

Oh, yeah, I do have a slip.

Can't you identify
them by their names?

Look, mister, I got
1,200 dogs here.

I only know numbers.

I got trouble remembering
my kids' names.

Oh, here it is, here it is.

What did you name them, 56, 72?

Oh, yeah, 724.

Wait a minute.
I'll get him for you.

Okay.

Frank, send up 724.

The man's picture
should be posted

in every pet shop
in the country.

Will you cut it out, Felix?

If he had his way, we'd all
be in cages with a number.

With my luck, I'd be
10 and you'd be 11.

Oh, there he is. There's 724.

Oh. Look at him. Look at him!

Look at him.

Look at those legs!

Look at those ribs.

Oh.

Are you the new owner?

Yeah, that's right.

That'll be $400.

That'll be... What'll be $400?

That's what the former owner
still owes me in kennel fees.

Of course, that includes
the flea collars, too, you see.

That dirty two-bit chiseler.

Look at that. That's the guy.

What did I tell you

about letting strange
people into the house?

Yeah, you think I would
have learned after you.

Listen, I don't have
that kind of money.

You don't get that kind of dog.

Well, can't I pay it
off by the month?

This is a dog, not a jeep.

I can raise about
$200, I think I got.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'll give you the other $200.

You will? Yes, I will.

Sure, you will. It'll
make you half owner.

What's the catch?

That we take him
home and give him

the love and the food that
he hasn't been getting here.

Look, Father Flanagan,

I don't have to take this
noise, you know, from civilians.

I just want to restore
his dignity to him.

"724."

Listen, don't mind him.

He's an animal freak.

He tries to break up
wars between two anthills.

That's my offer: half the
money for half the dog.

Take it or leave it.

What kind of a choice do I have?

I'll take it.

You won't be sorry. Yes, I will.

Here we go, Golden Earrings.

Here's your new home.

This is the living room.

Don't you like it? I
don't know, Felix.

Keeping a racing
dog in an apartment...

Hang up my coat.

Here, I'll show you
Uncle Oscar's desk.

This is his desk.

Look, this is the
television set.

We'll watch Lassie together.

Now I know we should
have put him in a kennel.

No chance.

And the landlord was very
happy to have him here, too.

Sure, for $50.

For $100, he'd let us
keep an alligator in here.

Here's the sofa.

The sofa is a no-no.

Now, I'm gonna
show you the kitchen.

Look at this kitchen!

Isn't this a beautiful kitchen?

This is where you'll have your
food bowl and your water bowl.

I think you better show
him where the bathroom is.

What does, what does
my big boy want, huh?

Your big boy
wants to go outside.

No, no, that is not "I
want to go outside."

That is "Will you get me a
dwink of wa-wa, Uncle Felix?"

"Will you get me a dwink
of water, Uncle Felix"?

Yes, you want some wa-wa?

I'll get it for you
because I love you.

(kissing)

Would you two like to be alone?

I'm not ashamed to
lavish a little affection

on this love-starved animal.

This is not a lapdog.

He's an athlete, a pro!

Don't you like this dog?

I don't know.

All dogs are different,
like people are different.

I never met a dog I didn't like.

Well, I'm sure they speak
very highly of you, too.

Oh, Felix, of course
we're gonna race the dog.

You know, we'll be nice to
him, but we should race him

because it's a lot of fun.

You make a lot of money.

Ah-ah, money. What about him?

Him is a dog, a professional
dog different from other dogs.

Yeah, I know about
that difference.

They make them chase a
rabbit around a metal circle.

It's terrible.

No, they don't make
them chase a rabbit.

They love to do it; that's
what they were born to do.

How do you know?

Were you there in a
box seat in the creation

in the beginning of greyhounds?

Were you?!

I'm not going to argue with you.

The dog wants his drink.

Your own cereal bowl?

You won't even let me use it.

That's right.

Here we are.

Golden Earrings!

Where are you? Where
are you, Golden Earrings?

Maybe he doesn't
like the way you kiss.

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

I better get the doggie whistle.

Where are you? Where are you?

I don't know.

Oh, no! No! No, no!

Shame on you!

Felix!

Oscar,

they say that if a dog singles
out something of yours,

that means that he likes you.

He likes me all
over my room, right?

No, not all over.

He, he just got a
little bit nervous.

Why my room?

Maybe he wanted to pick out
a place nobody would notice.

Come on, baby.

See this? Let me see how fast

you can get it, baby. Go get it!

Let me see how fast you can...

Maybe I ought
to throw a foot in.

Hey, don't like my room so much.

Like Felix's.

That's right. Here you go.

Let me see you catch
it, baby. Come on, baby!

Let me see you catch it.

Oh, look at this
go a mile a minute.

Thattaboy. Come
on, let's see you.

Come on, sweetheart.
You can do it.

Run, baby. Here we go.

Hold everything.

Oh, you're playing together.

Oh, that's wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful.

Oh, boy, you're having
fun together, aren't you?

Yeah, he's a fun dog.

He's a nice dog.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Don't pet him like that.

You're gonna
rub the fur off him.

Did you hear what he said?

I got you a present. Here. Look.

Here, here, here,
Don't you want it?

Look what I got you.
Look what I got you.

Here, here. Go, go, go!

What are you
throwing it in my room?

Throw it in your room!

Where you been? I'm starved.

I've been shopping.

What'd you get?

Look.

What is that, leashes? Yeah.

Look at all those leashes.

Yeah, every dog needs a leash.

Seven leashes...
with matching collars?

Would you wear the
same suit every day?

Yes, you would.

Isn't that gorgeous?

Yeah, is that for
the dog, too? Yes.

You're kidding. What
am I having? Kibble?

There are three of us now.

You'll have to fend for
yourself just a little bit.

Oh, come on, now, Felix.

I know you're a very big,
strong, wonderful person.

I know you can take
constructive criticism.

I'm gonna be very delicate. Yes.

This way you're
handling the dog...

Yes? It's rotten.

That's delicate?
That's constructive?

Well, I'll be more specific.

It's the way you're feeding him.

You're giving him too much.

He could use a few pounds.

Who wants to see
a fat greyhound?

Felix, you're ruining
his racing form.

Oh. That again.

Yes, that again.

The season starts tomorrow
in Boston and Miami.

We could be in
Boston in an hour.

I've told you, I will
have nothing to do

with that barbaric racing.

What's barbaric?

Taking a dog up to
Boston and racing him.

It's freezing in Boston now.

You'll knit him a sweater.

He'll be the only
argyle dog on the track.

Will you stop pounding?!

It's like talking
to a shoemaker.

Listen, I want to take the dog
to Boston and I want an answer.

The answer is no.

That's not the answer I want.

Why no?

Because you don't
love Golden Earrings.

All you want to
do is exploit him.

See, that's where you're wrong.

I do love him. I do love him.

And after he wins a couple
of purses, I'll love him more.

No!

Why no?

Listen, half that dog is mine.

Fine.

Go race your half.

My half stays here.

Felix!

(honking)

Shh! Shh!

Walk on your toes, on your toes.

And when he wakes up,
he'll think we're in Boston,

but we'll be in Miami.

No, it's, it's easier if
you don't look back.

Uncle Oscar's gonna
buy you some wa-wa,

and if you win some races,

I'm gonna buy you
some champagne wa-wa.

(bell rings)

Is Mel around?

I'm Mel.

Oh, how are you?
I'm Oscar Madison.

I called you last night from
New York about my dog.

Oh, yes.

How are you, Mr. Madison?
Great to know you.

I love your column.

Everything is all set for you.

Oh, no kidding? What
race are we in? Fourth race.

Oh, that's great...
Now, hold it.

You're entered in the
fourth as an also eligible.

If one of the dogs is
scratched, yours goes.

But, uh, don't count on it.

Well, can't you do
something about it?

Tell one of the dogs he's out?

What do you want
me to do, lie to a dog?

But I came all the
way from New York.

So did everyone else in Miami.

Don't worry about it.

I'll see what I can do.

You know, I like
Golden Earrings.

He used to be
one of the greatest.

Used to be? What do
you mean, used to be?

Why, in '69, he won
$15,000 in purses.

No kidding.

When's the last time
he won a purse? In '69.

What happened to
'70, '71? Butterflies.

Oh, in his stomach. He gets
nervous... No, no, no. He chased them.

While the other dogs
were chasing the rabbit,

he was chasing butterflies.

And you know something?
Sometimes he caught one.

You're marvelous.
You tell me that?

You got any other
good news to tell me?

There's a $50 entrance fee.

I had to ask.

Okay, if there're any scratches,
I'll be in the clubhouse. Okay.

Or on the track
with a butterfly net.

Oscar?

Oscar, how are you anyway?

It's me, Salty. Salty Pepper.

Salty. Yeah.

Look at you.

Well, why are you so surprised?

I always look this terrific.
Hey, sit down, sit down.

Always? You remember
the last time I saw you?

Do I remember? It
was my lucky day.

After I left you, I won
$1,100 from the cab driver.

I've been on a winning
streak ever since.

No kidding.

Which reminds me... You
thought I forgot, huh? Forgot what?

You thought I'd
forget. I know you.

Here it is: one, two, three...

400 to cover the kennel fees

and two more for the
IOUs. Oh, I tore them up.

You're a nice person.

Hey, you must be here to
race Golden Earrings, eh? Yeah.

I got to run because
I'm racing a dog, too.

I'll see you later, heh?

Listen, how did you win
$1,100 from the cab driver?

Oh, he bet me he wouldn't
get robbed, so I robbed him.

We had a scratch in the fourth.

Oh, no kidding. What happened?

Well, the plane that the dog
was on was hijacked to Cuba.

Oh, that's great.

You can put Golden Earrings in.

Let me check your
ownership papers.

Yeah, I got them...
here. Okay...

Fourth race, huh.

What happened in Boston, Oscar?

Felix?

Yes, Felix.

Everything is set.

Your dog goes in the fourth.

Don't you need two signatures,
both owners, for that? Yes.

Okay, sign it, Felix.

I should live so long.

Mel, come back in
a couple of minutes.

I'll either have two
signatures or a plaid corpse.

Felix, now that you're here,
I know the dog could win.

You have a way with him.

You talk the same language.

Do you know that you
have unlimited gall?

You would have been a
great used car salesman.

No, I mean it.

Before you came,
the dog was sulking.

He saw you, he perked right up.

He likes me.

He's always glad
to see me, so what?

He's more than glad to see.

You've given him the
confidence he needs.

He wants to show
you how well he can do.

Stop it... dognapper.

Felix, he wants to come
home for you a winner.

He wants to take a picture
with you in the winner's circle.

He'll have a wreath
around his neck...

He doesn't like flowers.

How about a wreath... how
about a wreath around your neck?

How about my fingers
around your neck?

All right, Felix, all right.

Listen, you sign the paper
and I'll make it worth your while.

You have the
audacity to bribe me?

No, I have the money
to bribe you. Here...

Why is this so important to you?

Felix...

The results of the
third race are official.

Diamond Stick Pin is the winner.

Oscar, Felix just won $800.

A-ha, that's what's so
important to you, isn't it?

No, no.

Yeah, the money, the money.

The only motivation
you know is greed.

No, Felix.

I've always had a dream.
You know what it is?

You and Tuesday Weld

are the sole survivors
of a nuclear holocaust.

Aw, no, not that dream.

I mean the sportswriter's dream.

Look, every young sportswriter
wants to be Joe Namath.

Then when you get older,
you want to own Joe Namath.

See, all my buddies, they want
to own the Mets or the Giants,

but see, I never shot
for the moon, Felix.

All I ever wanted to
own was a racehorse.

Well, why didn't you?

Well, I couldn't afford it.

I still can't, so I'm down
to a greyhound racing dog.

Maybe as close
as I'll ever come.

You own half my dream, Felix.

All right, I... just
one, just this one,

just this one ti...
race you understand?

Yeah, yeah, you're
my true friend.

Anything you want. What
do you want? I'll do it for you.

Anything? Anything.

I want a Madras shirt
and some Bermuda shorts.

You got it. You got
it. Just sign here.

Better get me some cotton socks.

Cotton, yes, I'll get
you... your support hose.

Sign here, will you, Felix.
Some nice little sandals?

Yes, open toe. Sign right there.

Some of that zinc
stuff for my nose.

Yeah, I know, you
burn easily. Yeah...

Just sign your name here.

Do you think I need a
hat? Maybe a Panama?

Yeah, I'll get you, with
ostrich feathers. It'll look nice.

Sign your name here, attaboy.

15 minutes to post
time for the fourth race.

Gee, I'd really
like to make a bet.

You really think
he's got a chance?

Of course he's got a chance.

How come he's 99-to-one?

Oscar, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you he's
coming out of a slump.

I'm even betting on him.
You are? How much?

Two. Two-two-$200
you're going to bet on him?

$200. Okay, I'll bet
$200 on him, too.

And then I'll pray for
a fast butterfly. Yeah.

Oscar, Oscar, we have to hurry.

Hey.

That's a great fit and
right off the dummy, too.

We have to choose racing colors

and a number for
Golden Earrings.

I want to put a bet down.
You take care of that.

No, no, no, no, you're not
going to put this off on me.

Then if he loses, you blame me.

I'll place your bet
for you, Oscar.

All right, listen, put 15 across the
board and 50 on the nose, okay?

You want to make
a bet on your dog?

Yeah, yeah, sure, I
want to bet on my dog.

Okay, what do you
want... One, two?

Uh... two.

This is two dollars.

Yes. On the nose.

Hey, this could
really tilt the odds.

Come on, help me choose a number
and a color for Golden Earrings.

All right, just pick
a number, that's all.

Well, uh... yeah.

Come on, any number.

Um... four. Four, four.

No, no, no, I don't like four.

Four is, I don't know,
it's, uh... I don't like four.

Well, pick another
one. One, one.

Uh, one... one...
one is so lonely.

Come on, you must have a number.

Six, maybe? Six?

No, no, I don't, I
don't like six, I...

Don't you have a
favorite number?

No, no, I never had
a favorite number.

Isn't that funny? When I was a
kid, all the kids had a favorite number

and a lucky number,
I never had...

All right, tell me a
number you hate.

68. 68?

Yeah. That's a
good number to hate.

All right, 68, six from eight is
two. Two... two's the number.

Wait, wait, we have
to choose a color.

Color, all right, pick any
color, come on. Come on.

Oh, isn't this terrible?

When you have to
think of one, you can't.

Come on, will you?
Primary colors or something.

Oh, I just... Oh, I...
What, what, what?

I can't... blue, blue.

No, no, no, he
doesn't like blue.

The rug on my bedroom is blue.

He likes that.

Well, yellow then.

Yellow. Yellow's good.

No, no, no, yellow's too
cowardly. Aw, come on, any kind.

The trouble with blue is
that it... it's not basic enough.

That it's... black.
Black is basic.

Maybe we can have two
colors, black and blue?

Those are the colors
you are going to be

if you don't make up
your mind. Come on.

All right, um...
Will you? Anything.

Brown. Brown?

You don't like brown?
Yeah, I like brown.

No, no, no, we'll take the
opposite of brown: purple.

The opposite of brown is purple?

Wait, wait, wait...

What... what's our number now?

Two. Two, two.

Where is he? Where's
Golden Earrings?

We're taking him down
to the paddock now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is not the color and
not the number we want.

That's what you get.

All right, forget it.

It's not important. Come here.

Talk to him.

Now, be careful. Be real
careful and don't get hurt.

And win, win.

And don't be scared
of the other dogs.

Long as you win.

And whether you win or
lose, I know I'll be proud of you.

But winning is
better. Winning is...

Because I love you.

♪ There's a story ♪

♪ The gypsies know is true ♪

♪ That when your love
wears golden earrings ♪

♪ She belongs to you ♪

♪ While the burning fire... ♪

I hope a gypsy bites him.

(fanfare playing)

(bell ringing)

Was that fan...

He was alive. He was beautiful!

He was last.

Congratulations,
congratulations.

Did you see that?

Congratulations what?
What a dog. What a dog.

He was right up
there with the pack.

Salty, he was ninth
in a field of eight.

Yeah, but this time he caught the
butterfly and got back in the race.

That won't help me
to get my $200 back.

I have to go back
to my other dream...

Tuesday Weld and the H-bomb.

Oh, look. Oh, look.

I've never seen him so happy.

Of course he's happy.

He's happy. You
two guys are happy.

How come I'm so miserable?

You were right, Oscar.
He's got racing in his blood.

Then he needs a transfusion.

Oh... don't sulk.

Today is a turning point.

The only turning point for me
was when he became a loser.

You're going to turn your back
on him just because he lost?

That dog loves to race
and I'm going to race him.

And I'll bet you beat him.

You can give me advice. Yes.

Now, where do I go with him?
Where do I take it from here?

Well, you got your
circuit, you know.

You got Miami. You got Boston.

You got Mexico.
You got, uh, Arizona.

Oh, you'll love that route.

Hey, hey, hey,

you want to sell him?
You want to buy him?

Yeah.

He showed good form. My
other dog needs company,

and besides, I miss him.

I'll give you a thou for him.

A thousand dollars?
A thousand dollars?

Well, all, all, all right...
on one condition.

A thousand dollars
is a great condition.

On the condition
that you love him

and you take good care of him

and you never bet him in a
card game. Word of honor.

Do you want to go double
or nothing? Get out of here.

Okay, here's your $450.

Five hun... Where's
my other $50?

You're wearing it.

Oh, no.

Oscar Madison...

Hi, Felix.

What's the matter?

Oh... I'm lonely.

Why?

I miss Golden Earrings so.

Just wish he left me
something to remember him by.

You want something
to remember him by?

Yeah.

I'll give you my bedroom rug.