The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 13 - Felix, the Calypso Singer - full transcript
Oscar's girlfriend, Nancy, gets called to work at the last minute before their vacation and has to cancel, and Oscar asks Felix to go with him, instead. They get to their room after a harrowing flight and cab ride, and while Felix is out renting a tandem bicycle for their weekend, Oscar's girlfriend calls and says she can make it down for vacation after all. Oscar "dumps" Felix, who then has a bad day touring the town. In the bar that evening, Oscar arranges for Felix to sing Calypso.
(both giggling)
Salud and bon voyage.
I'll drink to that.
There we go, a little toast.
Couldn't you at
least put it in a glass?
You got foam in my bubbly.
Thank you, Felix.
Oh, I'll bet you
two are so excited.
Ah, I can hardly wait.
14 hours from now,
we'll be in Jacaloma,
the island of romance
in the sunny Caribbean.
Here's my present, open it. Ooh.
Oh, Felix, you didn't
have to buy me a present.
That's what friends
are for. Oh, silly...
Look at this.
Water purification tablets.
Airsick pills.
Bismuth and paregoric.
Just my way of
saying, "Have fun, kids."
I'm all choked up, Felix.
Well, I have to go in my
kitchen, see what's cooking.
(laughs)
Me and my crazy sense of humor.
I'm gonna miss that
crazy sense of humor.
Calypso.
(Caribbean accent):
A man named Oscar
took his sweetie Nancy
on vacation to the sea.
Arriba!
Arriba... Honey, you got
to forget that you're a doctor
for the next week...
Don't pack a stethoscope.
Everything I'm
packing has lace on it.
I'm going to forget
about the hospital
and about Mrs.
Perkins' gallbladder.
I'm just gonna lie in that sun,
and dance to those
Calypso rhythms. Yeah.
BOTH: ♪ All day, all
night, Mary Anne ♪
♪ Down by the seaside,
sifting sand. ♪ (phone ringing)
The phone is ringing
to interrupt my... Hello?
♪ It is for you, my darling ♪
♪ Down by the
seaside, sifting sand ♪
Hello?
Yes, it is Dr. Cunningham.
No, I can't. Absolutely not!
No, you'll have to
get somebody else.
That's right, you
tell them, my darling.
No. I'm going on vacation.
Look where you're going to.
Look where you're
going. That serious?
Okay, I'll do it.
Do it?
You'll do what,
you'll do what? What?
I can't go.
(Caribbean accent):
And Felix said to Nancy,
"Of champagne
have another glass."
And Oscar said to Felix,
"Take the champagne and..."
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that some
day he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(grunting)
What are you doing?
You'll mess up your room.
She can't go.
She gets a phone
call... She can't go!
Well, that's not her fault.
Have some cocoa.
She didn't ask
for that phone call.
That's not the point, Felix.
The point is I planned
and I arranged for this trip.
I can't change my vacation.
All goes up in smoke because
somebody got a bellyache. Aw...
Sit down, Felix.
Where?
Oh, please, not
while I'm trying to eat.
You know, I'm going to
go on this vacation anyway.
You won't have a
good time by yourself.
What am I supposed to do?
Bum around for a week?
You know what I'm going to do?
There's a girl in the file room
that would go if I'd ask her.
The one with the overbite? Yeah.
You don't want the overbite,
you don't want crazy
Rhoda Zimmerman;
you want to go with Nancy.
I know, but she
doesn't want to go.
She can't go!
I mean, I don't have to
go on a vacation with a girl.
I could go with...
Nah... What, what?
Well, the thought
occurred to me to... nah...
What, what?
How would you like to
go to Jacaloma with me?
Oh, gee... oh, I can't.
We'd have a lot of laughs.
It... it's just
impossible for me.
I'm too busy right now. Why? I'm
offering you the chance of a lifetime.
A real vacation,
Fel... oh, here it is.
Look at this, Felix,
look at this brochure.
What do you see? Mayonnaise.
Under the mayonnaise
there's a lagoon!
Fishing, swimming, dog
races, excitement, thrills!
Beauty unspoiled
in nature's paradise!
Gee, it's nice all right. Hmm.
I love that Calypso music.
I've got bongos in my blood.
You know, you don't
want me to go with you.
Oh, but I do want
you to go, I really do!
And you could push
your projects back a week.
No, no. I've got an
appointment for a physical...
Oh, please, it's important.
I've wanted to go there
for such a long time.
My shoes will be ready Thursday.
This is really important to me.
I don't want to go alone.
As a buddy, as
a friend, I ask you
to come with me. Well,
if you put it like that,
how can I refuse? Oh, great,
Felix! We'll have a marvelous time.
And you don't have
to pay for the room.
You don't have to the pay
for the airplane. No, sir. No, sir.
Felix Unger pays his own way.
And Oscar Madison never forgets
a favor. And just to show you...
I'll pack for you.
Oh, good! Okay.
Oh!
Oh, I guess I forgot to
unpack from the last trip.
Mm.
What's this?
It's your Christmas present.
I forgot to give it to you.
Merry Christmas.
What is it?
Assorted cheeses.
What are you doing?
My ears are stuffed up.
You feel better?
Oh, that flight was ghastly!
It was awful!
Well, the cab ride
wasn't so hot, either.
You know why? It was the
same guy driving the cab.
First he flew the plane over.
Then he took us over in the cab.
I was wondering why
he was wearing the
helmet and the goggles.
I thought it was the Red Baron!
Where is he?
He's getting our bags. I
think he's also the bellhop.
What kind of a
place is this anyway?
(rings bell) Where is everybody?
How do I know?!
Don't get excited. That's
what you did on the plane.
So it was small. The pilot
knew what he was doing.
He was as calm as a cucumber.
We made it again!
Monique! Monique! Ah, Pepe!
Give me a drink,
please. Waiting for you.
Pepe, you made it back safely
again. Did the wings stay on?
Oh, the wing...
the wing fell, but I fixed
her up again with a little wire.
A little wire.
Do you fly many
people over here?
Most of the people that come
here... they come by boat.
I don't know why.
I smell cheese.
What will we do first, buddy?
Shall we go to the bar? Have a
couple of drinks. No, it's too early.
Let's snoop around some
of the curio shops, huh?
Oh, I don't want
to do that. Hey!
You want to go fishing?
How about that? Yeah! Great!
Okay. As soon
as I take a shower.
You're going to take
a shower to go fishing?
I'm grimy from the trip.
Aren't you gonna unpack?
Oh, yeah.
Oscar, I just
pressed those things.
Oh come on, Felix. Now
we're on vacation. You're right.
I'm going to relax. I'm
going to have a good time.
You know something? I'm glad
I'm here. I'm glad you're here, too.
Ah... Say, why
don't I go downstairs
and rent us a couple of bikes.
Then we could ride around,
see what the place is like.
Good idea. I'll unpack for you.
Don't touch my stuff!
(phone rings)
Hello?
MONIQUE: I have a call for
Oscar Madison. Go ahead, please.
Hello?
NANCY: Hello.
Oscar, is that you?
Yeah, Nancy?
Oscar, I have great news.
I found somebody
to take my place.
No kidding!
I can catch a plane
and be there tomorrow.
Oh, that's great!
Come on down, honey!
But what about Felix? Felix who?
Oh, Fel... Oh, honey,
I'll take care of Felix.
Oscar... I'll handle it
very nicely, honestly.
Okay! Come on down!
Bye, darling. Bye, honey.
Hey, guess what?
I went down to rent us bikes
and I got us a tandem instead...
for the entire weekend.
That's great.
Felix, I got something I
want to talk to you about.
Yeah, what?
Well, I-I just got
a call from Nancy.
Ah, Nancy... Yeah.
She got somebody to take her
place and she's coming down.
Ah... Uh-huh, uh-huh.
When's she getting here?
Tomorrow.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What do you propose to do?
Well, I guess I
propose to be with her
when she gets down here, Felix.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What do you propose
to do with me?
Well, that's a toughie, Felix.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You not only asked
me to come down here,
you begged me, and now
you want to shove me aside.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What time does the plane leave?
It's 8:00.
The schedule says we're
supposed to take off at 8:00.
Oh, well, there may be a
little delay tonight, monsieur,
due to circumstances
beyond our control.
What circumstances?
Well, the pilot is
not quite ready to go.
When will he be ready?
It's very hard to say, monsieur.
Tonight is the
rum-and-cola flight.
All the passengers ready
for the cola flight rum
please stand against the wall...
fascinate your safety belts...
Switch on. Switch off.
Contact. Take-off...
(chimes ringing)
First and only
call for breakfast.
(chimes ringing loudly)
Morning.
Good morning.
Oh...
(sniffles)
You got any fruit juice?
Just, uh, Banana Dragon.
Banana Dragon?
Sí.
Give me a Banana Dragon.
But I must warn you, monsieur,
that the Banana
Dragon is very strong.
Good.
Bon appetit.
Hmm.
Doesn't time pass quickly
when you're having fun?
Hey, Monique.
Felix?
Felix, what are you doing here?
I thought you
flew out last night.
Pepe, the world's only
pilot-bellhop-cab driver-wino,
was drunk.
Where'd you spend the night?
In the lobby.
Where?
I slept in that wicker
basket over there.
I dreamed I was cobra.
Why did you do that?
You knew Nancy wasn't
coming until tonight.
Why didn't you
come up to the room?
(scoffs)
All right.
So I'm glad you're here anyway.
We got the whole day to
ourselves before she comes.
We'll go to the museums.
We'll go to the dog track.
We'll have a lot of fun.
Oscar, you are the
world's most naive man.
Who else would buy a
package tour of Devil's Island?
What are you talking about?
Jacaloma, gateway
to the Caribbean.
This is a disaster area.
Even crows don't stop here.
Come here. I want to
show you something.
Look at this.
What is it?
This is the Jacalomian
Museum of Art,
founded in 1968.
Three rocks and an arrowhead.
These are the dog tags
of a lost kamikaze pilot.
He stayed here after the war
and is now governor
of the island.
Governor Moto.
All right, so it's not
the Guggenheim.
We could still go
to the dog track.
I'll teach you how to bet.
The dog died.
Last night.
The dog died?
There were two
of them; one died.
The other one's in mourning.
Moped around all day,
hasn't touched his food.
Which probably saved his life.
All right, Felix, you
can mope around,
not have a good time and pout,
or you can try to
have a good time.
How?
How? We could
go in and visit the...
We can go see...
Gee, it sounds thrilling
the way you describe it.
Well, if you'd stop
being the ugly American,
you know, you wouldn't
have to be alone.
What about Monique?
I hear she's Miss Jacalomian.
Since she was 14.
You can forget about it.
She's soft on Pepe.
She likes daredevils.
She must have friends.
There must be other
girls on the island.
Sure, if you want to
climb over a convent wall.
Don't worry about me.
I won't get in your hair.
Enjoy yourself.
You take the high road
and I'll take the low road.
Actually, it doesn't matter
which road; they're both dirty.
Good-bye, Oscar.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
But let it be on your head.
Let what be on my head?
Wow, I thought you
were bad as a roommate.
You're terrible as a tourist!
Then the governor of
this island, Governor Moto,
brought me across in
a Japanese sampan.
Do you know...
he was once a kamikaze pilot,
and he loves to crash
his boat into the dock?
Forget it. You're here.
(horn honking)
Coming through.
Oh, hi, hi, Felix.
Nancy, how are
you? Nice to see you.
Oh, are you enjoying yourself?
Yes, yes.
It's nicer this way... No
one breathing down my neck.
Monsieur.
I think you forgot somebody.
No, somebody forgot me.
♪ Voice of love, ever
swiftly do depart ♪
♪ It's a road. ♪
Yeah! Bravo!
Bravo!
Very good, thank you very much.
Oh, I love this place!
Me too, now that you're here.
You want more wine, honey?
Oh, is this wine? Yeah.
I don't care,
Oscar. It's such fun.
Yeah, here comes el turisto.
Hi.
Hi, Felix. Well,
hi, there, Felix.
Did you have a nice day?
Wonderful.
I guess there's not a
sight in town I haven't seen.
It's amazing how much territory
you can cover when you're alone.
Oh, have you had
your dinner yet?
No. Oh, boy.
Never mind.
I'm not going to join you.
I'll eat by myself
out on the porch.
I don't mind.
I'll read brochures,
feed the insects.
Nonsense.
Felix, sit down.
Yeah, sit. Well...
For a minute.
No, thank you.
I see that you're both
enjoying your wine.
I'll have a drink at the bar.
You know...
it does you good to be
by yourself sometimes.
It's food for the soul.
Here it comes.
I went down to the wharves
and watched the fishermen go out.
I thought maybe somebody
would ask me to go fishing, but...
everybody was already paired up.
I started to strike up
a conversation with the
man in the filling station,
but he didn't speak English.
Just "Yankee, go home!"
What were you doing
at the filling station?
I had a flat on the bike.
I ran over my camera.
How did you do that?
A tarantula ran me off the road.
Felix, come on. Sit with us.
No, no, no.
I'll just have a quick bite,
and then I'll go and
catch the village movie.
It's been years since I've
seen Hopalong Cassidy.
You two enjoy yourselves.
I see you're having a good time.
Don't worry about me.
I'm having a ball, really.
Isn't it wonderful how he
covers up his unhappiness?
Oscar, the least
we could have done
is ask him to
join us for dinner.
Honey, he's doing it on purpose.
Besides, you feed him once,
you'll never get rid of him.
Monique?
Oui, monsieur?
Give me a Banana Dragon, please.
Oui.
May I join you?
Some other time, perhaps.
Show time!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Club Jacaloma presents
music for your listening
and dancing pleasure.
"Blood and Sweat."
(playing lively tune)
a picture of Gloria, my ex-wife.
There goes my ex-friend.
Uh... Felix?
Would you like to take a walk
with us along the beach?
I saw that, Oscar.
Don't worry.
I'm not going to horn
in on your good time.
Enjoy yourselves.
Listen to him, honey.
Come on, will you?
Let's go take a walk.
Let's enjoy the ocean, the moon.
It's a romantic evening.
But, Oscar, look at him.
I know. The Last of
the Red Hot Martyrs.
Now, if I see an ocean,
I'll want to drown myself.
What are we going to do?
I got an idea, honey. I
got an idea. Sit down.
I'm going to fix this
whole thing up. Sit down.
Pepe, come here.
MONIQUE: Are you
sure you want this?
"He bids the ruddy cup to round
till sense and sorrow
both are drowned."
I'll buy that.
Come on, Pepe. Do me that favor.
Let my friend sing
with the orchestra.
Just one number.
But Mr. Unger sings?
Oh, he sings great!
He loves calypso music.
He studied with Harry Belafonte.
But... I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
You see, the trouble is that
he is not professional, eh?
No. Oh! And what is
the crowd going to say?
Crowd? You couldn't get a
good checker game going here.
Come on. Well, I... I'm sorry.
Really, senor,
believe me I am sorry
because this is
not our usual policy.
That is your usual policy.
Oh, thank you.
Felix, I want to talk to you.
Go away, Oscar.
Now, don't sulk.
I got a big surprise for you.
What? You sold my luggage?
I talked to Pepe, and he's going
to let you sing with the band.
Oscar, don't toy with me.
I wouldn't toy with you.
I know how much you
love calypso music.
I know how you love to sing.
Well, I haven't
rehearsed anything.
I'm not prepared.
That's all right. Go do it now.
He's going to announce you.
Now, get ready.
This doesn't change
anything, Oscar.
You've still done a
terrible, terrible thing.
Hi, there.
I'm... I'm Jesse Skolnik.
Who are you?
Ringo Starr.
You you know what
my philosophy of life is?
Tell me. I forgot.
Find out what you
like in life, and drink it.
I'll buy that.
Tonight, we have a
special surprise for you.
We have, direct from New
York, without greatest expense,
a wonderful, fantastic
singer who's very good, too.
Mr. Felix Unger,
who has also studied
under Harry Belafonte.
Harry Belafonte?
I've heard of him.
You know him? Very good!
Here Felix Unger!
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening.
Very glad to be here.
I suppose you're all interested
in the origins of calypso.
Calypso actually was a sea nymph
immortalized by the great
Homer in his immortal Odyssey.
Sing it, Harry!
Sir, if you're a
native, please stay.
If not, please
leave the country.
Hit it! What?
Play the music.
(playing calypso music)
♪ Once there was a
man named Oscar ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
♪ And he turned
on his best friend ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, O... ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, O... ♪
♪ This friend put a
curse on Oscar's head ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
♪ The gods came down
and struck Oscar dead ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
All together.
♪ Oscar, Oscar... ♪
My name immortalized
in a Jacalomian bar.
Hey, that guy ain't
Belafonte, is he, Ringo?
Hey, who's Oscar?
You're lousy!
Get off the stage!
♪ Once there was a
man named Jesse ♪
♪ Jesse, Jesse, Jesse ♪
♪ He wore his
clothes very messy ♪
♪ Messy, messy Jesse. ♪
Hey, that's my name!
Nobody talks to the Shoehorn
King from Jacaloma like that.
(holding falsetto note)
(phone ringing)
Stop singing my name!
You said you were Ringo!
(singing, yelling)
Good news!
They just flew in
another dog from Miami!
Hey...
Oscar, that was fantastic!
Did you see that?
Wasn't that fantastic?
Wonderful.
Oscar, thanks for
sticking up for me.
I didn't deserve it.
Not after the way I acted.
That's all right, Felix,
but be honest with me.
If the roles were reversed,
and Gloria was coming
down here instead of Nancy,
would you try to dump me?
In a minute.
You know, we're lucky
this happened in Jacaloma.
Other places have jails.
Boys, it's all worked out.
Pepe's not mad at us,
but he asked one favor of us.
What's that? What?
Show time!
Yes, sir!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous calypso group...
Felix and his Flames!
♪ Once there was a
man named Oscar ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar... ♪
♪ O... ♪
Sing it, Harry!
Salud and bon voyage.
I'll drink to that.
There we go, a little toast.
Couldn't you at
least put it in a glass?
You got foam in my bubbly.
Thank you, Felix.
Oh, I'll bet you
two are so excited.
Ah, I can hardly wait.
14 hours from now,
we'll be in Jacaloma,
the island of romance
in the sunny Caribbean.
Here's my present, open it. Ooh.
Oh, Felix, you didn't
have to buy me a present.
That's what friends
are for. Oh, silly...
Look at this.
Water purification tablets.
Airsick pills.
Bismuth and paregoric.
Just my way of
saying, "Have fun, kids."
I'm all choked up, Felix.
Well, I have to go in my
kitchen, see what's cooking.
(laughs)
Me and my crazy sense of humor.
I'm gonna miss that
crazy sense of humor.
Calypso.
(Caribbean accent):
A man named Oscar
took his sweetie Nancy
on vacation to the sea.
Arriba!
Arriba... Honey, you got
to forget that you're a doctor
for the next week...
Don't pack a stethoscope.
Everything I'm
packing has lace on it.
I'm going to forget
about the hospital
and about Mrs.
Perkins' gallbladder.
I'm just gonna lie in that sun,
and dance to those
Calypso rhythms. Yeah.
BOTH: ♪ All day, all
night, Mary Anne ♪
♪ Down by the seaside,
sifting sand. ♪ (phone ringing)
The phone is ringing
to interrupt my... Hello?
♪ It is for you, my darling ♪
♪ Down by the
seaside, sifting sand ♪
Hello?
Yes, it is Dr. Cunningham.
No, I can't. Absolutely not!
No, you'll have to
get somebody else.
That's right, you
tell them, my darling.
No. I'm going on vacation.
Look where you're going to.
Look where you're
going. That serious?
Okay, I'll do it.
Do it?
You'll do what,
you'll do what? What?
I can't go.
(Caribbean accent):
And Felix said to Nancy,
"Of champagne
have another glass."
And Oscar said to Felix,
"Take the champagne and..."
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that some
day he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(grunting)
What are you doing?
You'll mess up your room.
She can't go.
She gets a phone
call... She can't go!
Well, that's not her fault.
Have some cocoa.
She didn't ask
for that phone call.
That's not the point, Felix.
The point is I planned
and I arranged for this trip.
I can't change my vacation.
All goes up in smoke because
somebody got a bellyache. Aw...
Sit down, Felix.
Where?
Oh, please, not
while I'm trying to eat.
You know, I'm going to
go on this vacation anyway.
You won't have a
good time by yourself.
What am I supposed to do?
Bum around for a week?
You know what I'm going to do?
There's a girl in the file room
that would go if I'd ask her.
The one with the overbite? Yeah.
You don't want the overbite,
you don't want crazy
Rhoda Zimmerman;
you want to go with Nancy.
I know, but she
doesn't want to go.
She can't go!
I mean, I don't have to
go on a vacation with a girl.
I could go with...
Nah... What, what?
Well, the thought
occurred to me to... nah...
What, what?
How would you like to
go to Jacaloma with me?
Oh, gee... oh, I can't.
We'd have a lot of laughs.
It... it's just
impossible for me.
I'm too busy right now. Why? I'm
offering you the chance of a lifetime.
A real vacation,
Fel... oh, here it is.
Look at this, Felix,
look at this brochure.
What do you see? Mayonnaise.
Under the mayonnaise
there's a lagoon!
Fishing, swimming, dog
races, excitement, thrills!
Beauty unspoiled
in nature's paradise!
Gee, it's nice all right. Hmm.
I love that Calypso music.
I've got bongos in my blood.
You know, you don't
want me to go with you.
Oh, but I do want
you to go, I really do!
And you could push
your projects back a week.
No, no. I've got an
appointment for a physical...
Oh, please, it's important.
I've wanted to go there
for such a long time.
My shoes will be ready Thursday.
This is really important to me.
I don't want to go alone.
As a buddy, as
a friend, I ask you
to come with me. Well,
if you put it like that,
how can I refuse? Oh, great,
Felix! We'll have a marvelous time.
And you don't have
to pay for the room.
You don't have to the pay
for the airplane. No, sir. No, sir.
Felix Unger pays his own way.
And Oscar Madison never forgets
a favor. And just to show you...
I'll pack for you.
Oh, good! Okay.
Oh!
Oh, I guess I forgot to
unpack from the last trip.
Mm.
What's this?
It's your Christmas present.
I forgot to give it to you.
Merry Christmas.
What is it?
Assorted cheeses.
What are you doing?
My ears are stuffed up.
You feel better?
Oh, that flight was ghastly!
It was awful!
Well, the cab ride
wasn't so hot, either.
You know why? It was the
same guy driving the cab.
First he flew the plane over.
Then he took us over in the cab.
I was wondering why
he was wearing the
helmet and the goggles.
I thought it was the Red Baron!
Where is he?
He's getting our bags. I
think he's also the bellhop.
What kind of a
place is this anyway?
(rings bell) Where is everybody?
How do I know?!
Don't get excited. That's
what you did on the plane.
So it was small. The pilot
knew what he was doing.
He was as calm as a cucumber.
We made it again!
Monique! Monique! Ah, Pepe!
Give me a drink,
please. Waiting for you.
Pepe, you made it back safely
again. Did the wings stay on?
Oh, the wing...
the wing fell, but I fixed
her up again with a little wire.
A little wire.
Do you fly many
people over here?
Most of the people that come
here... they come by boat.
I don't know why.
I smell cheese.
What will we do first, buddy?
Shall we go to the bar? Have a
couple of drinks. No, it's too early.
Let's snoop around some
of the curio shops, huh?
Oh, I don't want
to do that. Hey!
You want to go fishing?
How about that? Yeah! Great!
Okay. As soon
as I take a shower.
You're going to take
a shower to go fishing?
I'm grimy from the trip.
Aren't you gonna unpack?
Oh, yeah.
Oscar, I just
pressed those things.
Oh come on, Felix. Now
we're on vacation. You're right.
I'm going to relax. I'm
going to have a good time.
You know something? I'm glad
I'm here. I'm glad you're here, too.
Ah... Say, why
don't I go downstairs
and rent us a couple of bikes.
Then we could ride around,
see what the place is like.
Good idea. I'll unpack for you.
Don't touch my stuff!
(phone rings)
Hello?
MONIQUE: I have a call for
Oscar Madison. Go ahead, please.
Hello?
NANCY: Hello.
Oscar, is that you?
Yeah, Nancy?
Oscar, I have great news.
I found somebody
to take my place.
No kidding!
I can catch a plane
and be there tomorrow.
Oh, that's great!
Come on down, honey!
But what about Felix? Felix who?
Oh, Fel... Oh, honey,
I'll take care of Felix.
Oscar... I'll handle it
very nicely, honestly.
Okay! Come on down!
Bye, darling. Bye, honey.
Hey, guess what?
I went down to rent us bikes
and I got us a tandem instead...
for the entire weekend.
That's great.
Felix, I got something I
want to talk to you about.
Yeah, what?
Well, I-I just got
a call from Nancy.
Ah, Nancy... Yeah.
She got somebody to take her
place and she's coming down.
Ah... Uh-huh, uh-huh.
When's she getting here?
Tomorrow.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What do you propose to do?
Well, I guess I
propose to be with her
when she gets down here, Felix.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What do you propose
to do with me?
Well, that's a toughie, Felix.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You not only asked
me to come down here,
you begged me, and now
you want to shove me aside.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What time does the plane leave?
It's 8:00.
The schedule says we're
supposed to take off at 8:00.
Oh, well, there may be a
little delay tonight, monsieur,
due to circumstances
beyond our control.
What circumstances?
Well, the pilot is
not quite ready to go.
When will he be ready?
It's very hard to say, monsieur.
Tonight is the
rum-and-cola flight.
All the passengers ready
for the cola flight rum
please stand against the wall...
fascinate your safety belts...
Switch on. Switch off.
Contact. Take-off...
(chimes ringing)
First and only
call for breakfast.
(chimes ringing loudly)
Morning.
Good morning.
Oh...
(sniffles)
You got any fruit juice?
Just, uh, Banana Dragon.
Banana Dragon?
Sí.
Give me a Banana Dragon.
But I must warn you, monsieur,
that the Banana
Dragon is very strong.
Good.
Bon appetit.
Hmm.
Doesn't time pass quickly
when you're having fun?
Hey, Monique.
Felix?
Felix, what are you doing here?
I thought you
flew out last night.
Pepe, the world's only
pilot-bellhop-cab driver-wino,
was drunk.
Where'd you spend the night?
In the lobby.
Where?
I slept in that wicker
basket over there.
I dreamed I was cobra.
Why did you do that?
You knew Nancy wasn't
coming until tonight.
Why didn't you
come up to the room?
(scoffs)
All right.
So I'm glad you're here anyway.
We got the whole day to
ourselves before she comes.
We'll go to the museums.
We'll go to the dog track.
We'll have a lot of fun.
Oscar, you are the
world's most naive man.
Who else would buy a
package tour of Devil's Island?
What are you talking about?
Jacaloma, gateway
to the Caribbean.
This is a disaster area.
Even crows don't stop here.
Come here. I want to
show you something.
Look at this.
What is it?
This is the Jacalomian
Museum of Art,
founded in 1968.
Three rocks and an arrowhead.
These are the dog tags
of a lost kamikaze pilot.
He stayed here after the war
and is now governor
of the island.
Governor Moto.
All right, so it's not
the Guggenheim.
We could still go
to the dog track.
I'll teach you how to bet.
The dog died.
Last night.
The dog died?
There were two
of them; one died.
The other one's in mourning.
Moped around all day,
hasn't touched his food.
Which probably saved his life.
All right, Felix, you
can mope around,
not have a good time and pout,
or you can try to
have a good time.
How?
How? We could
go in and visit the...
We can go see...
Gee, it sounds thrilling
the way you describe it.
Well, if you'd stop
being the ugly American,
you know, you wouldn't
have to be alone.
What about Monique?
I hear she's Miss Jacalomian.
Since she was 14.
You can forget about it.
She's soft on Pepe.
She likes daredevils.
She must have friends.
There must be other
girls on the island.
Sure, if you want to
climb over a convent wall.
Don't worry about me.
I won't get in your hair.
Enjoy yourself.
You take the high road
and I'll take the low road.
Actually, it doesn't matter
which road; they're both dirty.
Good-bye, Oscar.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
But let it be on your head.
Let what be on my head?
Wow, I thought you
were bad as a roommate.
You're terrible as a tourist!
Then the governor of
this island, Governor Moto,
brought me across in
a Japanese sampan.
Do you know...
he was once a kamikaze pilot,
and he loves to crash
his boat into the dock?
Forget it. You're here.
(horn honking)
Coming through.
Oh, hi, hi, Felix.
Nancy, how are
you? Nice to see you.
Oh, are you enjoying yourself?
Yes, yes.
It's nicer this way... No
one breathing down my neck.
Monsieur.
I think you forgot somebody.
No, somebody forgot me.
♪ Voice of love, ever
swiftly do depart ♪
♪ It's a road. ♪
Yeah! Bravo!
Bravo!
Very good, thank you very much.
Oh, I love this place!
Me too, now that you're here.
You want more wine, honey?
Oh, is this wine? Yeah.
I don't care,
Oscar. It's such fun.
Yeah, here comes el turisto.
Hi.
Hi, Felix. Well,
hi, there, Felix.
Did you have a nice day?
Wonderful.
I guess there's not a
sight in town I haven't seen.
It's amazing how much territory
you can cover when you're alone.
Oh, have you had
your dinner yet?
No. Oh, boy.
Never mind.
I'm not going to join you.
I'll eat by myself
out on the porch.
I don't mind.
I'll read brochures,
feed the insects.
Nonsense.
Felix, sit down.
Yeah, sit. Well...
For a minute.
No, thank you.
I see that you're both
enjoying your wine.
I'll have a drink at the bar.
You know...
it does you good to be
by yourself sometimes.
It's food for the soul.
Here it comes.
I went down to the wharves
and watched the fishermen go out.
I thought maybe somebody
would ask me to go fishing, but...
everybody was already paired up.
I started to strike up
a conversation with the
man in the filling station,
but he didn't speak English.
Just "Yankee, go home!"
What were you doing
at the filling station?
I had a flat on the bike.
I ran over my camera.
How did you do that?
A tarantula ran me off the road.
Felix, come on. Sit with us.
No, no, no.
I'll just have a quick bite,
and then I'll go and
catch the village movie.
It's been years since I've
seen Hopalong Cassidy.
You two enjoy yourselves.
I see you're having a good time.
Don't worry about me.
I'm having a ball, really.
Isn't it wonderful how he
covers up his unhappiness?
Oscar, the least
we could have done
is ask him to
join us for dinner.
Honey, he's doing it on purpose.
Besides, you feed him once,
you'll never get rid of him.
Monique?
Oui, monsieur?
Give me a Banana Dragon, please.
Oui.
May I join you?
Some other time, perhaps.
Show time!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Club Jacaloma presents
music for your listening
and dancing pleasure.
"Blood and Sweat."
(playing lively tune)
a picture of Gloria, my ex-wife.
There goes my ex-friend.
Uh... Felix?
Would you like to take a walk
with us along the beach?
I saw that, Oscar.
Don't worry.
I'm not going to horn
in on your good time.
Enjoy yourselves.
Listen to him, honey.
Come on, will you?
Let's go take a walk.
Let's enjoy the ocean, the moon.
It's a romantic evening.
But, Oscar, look at him.
I know. The Last of
the Red Hot Martyrs.
Now, if I see an ocean,
I'll want to drown myself.
What are we going to do?
I got an idea, honey. I
got an idea. Sit down.
I'm going to fix this
whole thing up. Sit down.
Pepe, come here.
MONIQUE: Are you
sure you want this?
"He bids the ruddy cup to round
till sense and sorrow
both are drowned."
I'll buy that.
Come on, Pepe. Do me that favor.
Let my friend sing
with the orchestra.
Just one number.
But Mr. Unger sings?
Oh, he sings great!
He loves calypso music.
He studied with Harry Belafonte.
But... I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.
You see, the trouble is that
he is not professional, eh?
No. Oh! And what is
the crowd going to say?
Crowd? You couldn't get a
good checker game going here.
Come on. Well, I... I'm sorry.
Really, senor,
believe me I am sorry
because this is
not our usual policy.
That is your usual policy.
Oh, thank you.
Felix, I want to talk to you.
Go away, Oscar.
Now, don't sulk.
I got a big surprise for you.
What? You sold my luggage?
I talked to Pepe, and he's going
to let you sing with the band.
Oscar, don't toy with me.
I wouldn't toy with you.
I know how much you
love calypso music.
I know how you love to sing.
Well, I haven't
rehearsed anything.
I'm not prepared.
That's all right. Go do it now.
He's going to announce you.
Now, get ready.
This doesn't change
anything, Oscar.
You've still done a
terrible, terrible thing.
Hi, there.
I'm... I'm Jesse Skolnik.
Who are you?
Ringo Starr.
You you know what
my philosophy of life is?
Tell me. I forgot.
Find out what you
like in life, and drink it.
I'll buy that.
Tonight, we have a
special surprise for you.
We have, direct from New
York, without greatest expense,
a wonderful, fantastic
singer who's very good, too.
Mr. Felix Unger,
who has also studied
under Harry Belafonte.
Harry Belafonte?
I've heard of him.
You know him? Very good!
Here Felix Unger!
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening.
Very glad to be here.
I suppose you're all interested
in the origins of calypso.
Calypso actually was a sea nymph
immortalized by the great
Homer in his immortal Odyssey.
Sing it, Harry!
Sir, if you're a
native, please stay.
If not, please
leave the country.
Hit it! What?
Play the music.
(playing calypso music)
♪ Once there was a
man named Oscar ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
♪ And he turned
on his best friend ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, O... ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, O... ♪
♪ This friend put a
curse on Oscar's head ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
♪ The gods came down
and struck Oscar dead ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ♪
All together.
♪ Oscar, Oscar... ♪
My name immortalized
in a Jacalomian bar.
Hey, that guy ain't
Belafonte, is he, Ringo?
Hey, who's Oscar?
You're lousy!
Get off the stage!
♪ Once there was a
man named Jesse ♪
♪ Jesse, Jesse, Jesse ♪
♪ He wore his
clothes very messy ♪
♪ Messy, messy Jesse. ♪
Hey, that's my name!
Nobody talks to the Shoehorn
King from Jacaloma like that.
(holding falsetto note)
(phone ringing)
Stop singing my name!
You said you were Ringo!
(singing, yelling)
Good news!
They just flew in
another dog from Miami!
Hey...
Oscar, that was fantastic!
Did you see that?
Wasn't that fantastic?
Wonderful.
Oscar, thanks for
sticking up for me.
I didn't deserve it.
Not after the way I acted.
That's all right, Felix,
but be honest with me.
If the roles were reversed,
and Gloria was coming
down here instead of Nancy,
would you try to dump me?
In a minute.
You know, we're lucky
this happened in Jacaloma.
Other places have jails.
Boys, it's all worked out.
Pepe's not mad at us,
but he asked one favor of us.
What's that? What?
Show time!
Yes, sir!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous calypso group...
Felix and his Flames!
♪ Once there was a
man named Oscar ♪
♪ Oscar, Oscar, Oscar... ♪
♪ O... ♪
Sing it, Harry!