The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 12 - Surprise! Surprise! - full transcript
Felix's surprise birthday party for his daughter is in competition with Oscar's big poker game.
Hi, Felix.
Oscar.
You're home. You working?
No, actually I'm trying to
play "Nola" on my typewriter.
(typing)
You got a cold?
Yeah, oh, boy.
Either that or I'm
allergic to you.
You're not going to
stay here long, are you?
(clanking on coffee table)
Well, as a matter of fact, I am.
I'm going to work for about
three hours until at least 3:00,
and then I'm going to get
ready for the poker game.
What poker game?
Oh, I didn't tell you.
A bunch of sportswriters
are coming into town
to cover the big
fight tomorrow night,
and we're going to have a
big game here this afternoon.
Oh, you're joking.
Why would I joke
about a thing like that?
I'd invite you to sit in,
but I know your mother doesn't
like you to play with strangers.
Don't you know what day this is?
Yeah, Saturday.
This is the 27th.
Right.
Don't you know what, what
happens here this afternoon?
I told you I know.
I'm going to work till 3:00,
then there's going to
be a big game here.
This is Edna's birthday.
Oh, your kid, yeah.
Yes.
You never listen to me.
For a whole week,
I've been telling you
that this year Gloria's letting
me make Edna's birthday party.
Well, I didn't make
the connection.
Because you never listen to me!
My life means nothing to you!
This is a very big day for me.
My little girl's tenth birthday.
Well, wish her a happy for me.
(grunts loudly)
I can't have a little
girl's birthday party
while you're having
a poker game.
That's right, Felix. You can't.
That's your answer?
"That's right,
Felix. You can't."
When you know how
important this is to me.
Well, what am I supposed to do?!
They're coming from
all over the country.
Charley Fillman's coming
from the West Coast,
Al Brown is coming from
Vegas... I'm very sorry.
You're going to have
to cancel your game.
That's all. You're
out of your mi...
Do you know you're
out of your mind?
I'm not going to cancel the
biggest poker game of my life!
Well, I'm not giving up
my little girl's birthday party.
"Happy Birthday" will be sung
to Edna today in this house.
Then it will be sung
by four grumpy old men
who'll be betting
on how old she is.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.
Several years
earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Look, we've got to
get this thing settled.
Edna will be here any minute.
Are you listening to me?!
I'm listening, I'm listening.
As far as I'm
concerned, it's settled.
I hate to pull
rank on you, Felix,
but this is my apartment,
and I have priority
on all social events,
and this happens
to be a big one.
I pay half the rent here.
I'll give you back today's rent.
No party.
Oscar.
Where's your heart?
What's more important?
A poker game or a
little girl's birthday party?
Is that your final
answer, Oscar?
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Beneath that stained
shirt there is no heart.
All right, you win.
I can't fight you.
It's a nice day.
We'll have the
party in the park.
Beautiful, Felix.
You see how easy it is?
On one condition.
What condition?
That you'll take care of Edna
for a couple of
hours while I go out.
I have to pick up the cake.
I have to interview a clown.
You're going to
interview a clown?
You're nothing today
if you don't have a
clown at a birthday party.
It's a big surprise.
I have to go down to his
office and interview him.
Where's his office?
In a tent?
(laughs)
That's very clever.
Well, will you do it?
Yeah, I'll do it, but
I... But, but, but.
Don't tell me you're
reluctant to do one little favor.
I'm not reluctant.
It's just that... well, I don't
think your kid likes me.
Who, Edna?
I don't think she likes
to have me around.
She loves you. Oh, yeah.
The last time she was here,
didn't she bring you a present?
Yeah, a can of room freshener.
(door buzzer buzzing)
It's the thought that counts.
Now, it's her birthday.
Be nice to her.
There's my birthday
girl! Hi, Daddy!
Oh, look at her.
What have you got?
Licorice whips. Oh, boy.
Two blacks and two reds.
Oh, yeah.
I'll bet you brought one
for Uncle Oscar, didn't you?
No!
Give him a nice, big hug.
Hello, Uncle Oscar.
(coughing): Ugh!
Now, just for my
records, Mr. Unger,
would you mind revealing
the source of your reference?
Um, a Mr. Bennett.
I believe you did his
son Mark's birthday party.
Mark Bennett?
Last spring, yes.
Last sp... oh, Mark Bennett.
So many kids are
named Mark these days,
it's hard for me to
keep up with them.
Well, I suppose
it's not important.
Oh, but it is.
For recommending you,
Mr. Bennett is entitled
to one free jellybean trick.
Hmm.
He's easy to get in touch with.
He's, uh, vice president of
the Chase Manhattan Bank.
Chase... Manhattan... Bank.
One... free...
jelly... bean... trick.
Sherman the Clown, huh?
Yeah, well, when I
got into show business,
I promised my father I
wouldn't change my name.
Well, the party's
going to be at 3:00
in the children's
zoo at Central Park.
Okay, I'll be there. Right.
Now, uh, what would
you like to have me wear?
These pictures'll sort
of give you an idea.
(sound effects on television)
OSCAR: Edna! Edna!
Edna, honey,
could you turn the set
down a little bit please?
If I make it any softer, I
won't be able to hear it.
I can hear it great
in my bedroom.
I've got the door closed.
Okay, okay.
And honey, honey, honey.
Could you stick to one channel
instead of all that changing?
I feel like I'm living
in a time tunnel.
You won't let me have any fun.
It's my birthday.
When is the party
going to start?
As soon as your daddy
gets here, honey, okay?
Your shirt's out.
Yeah, I got a hole in my pants.
Oh, Oscar.
Oscar, Oscar.
Uh, the bear suit's very nice.
How about the bear suit?
(coughing): No, that's out.
A couple of vicious children
attacked that bear
suit five years ago.
Oh, well, just your
basic clown then.
Basic clown. Yeah.
All right.
Now, will you be wanting
the jellybean trick?
Is that extra? 65 cents.
Uh, plus the jellybeans.
Throw that in then.
Throw that in then.
This is just little
girls, you know.
Oh, there's no
rough stuff in this.
Oh, and those little girls just
love my flopsy-mopsy dance.
That's $3.50.
Flopsy-mopsy dance?
Yeah.
(indistinct mumbling)
That's cute. That's cute.
(mumbling continues)
That's enough.
Whoa, I'm glad you stopped me.
Thanks.
Now.
Will you be wanting
my, uh, my biggie,
the one I'm really famous for,
the one that never fails?
What is your biggie?
Well, my, uh, shoes explode.
Yeah. That's $12.55.
Is it messy?
Only on my socks.
All right. Throw it in.
Want that, too. All right, fine.
Well, just a moment, Mr. Unger.
Now, let's see. Basic clown.
Flopsy-mopsy.
Jellybean. Je... Jellybean.
Well, let's just say 15 bucks
for the afternoon, okay?
Uncle Oscar!
What is it, Edna?
Ugh!
Again, ugh!
How can you live like this?
I practice.
What is it, honey?
There's nothing good on TV.
This is New York!
There are 52 channels!
I know. I heard them all today.
Go ahead, honey. Go
on. Watch Sesame Street.
That's on now.
Aw, that's for kids.
What are you, a giraffe?
Hey, there's a blue
stain on your rug.
No. That's the original color.
You mean the rest
is all one big stain?
Here's a half a tuna
fish sandwich. Here.
Go eat in the living
room, will you?
Ick!
Give me this.
Can I watch you work?
There's nothing to
watch. I'm just typing.
I like to watch you typing.
Cincinnati is spelled
C-I-N-C-I-double-N-A-T-I.
This is a different Cincinnati.
There's only one.
How can you be a writer if
you don't know how to spell?
Spelling's got nothing
to do with writing.
Mrs. Lange says
spelling is very important.
Well, you tell Mrs. Lange
it's impossible to spell
and write at the same time.
You make a lot of
mistakes, don't you?
All those X's.
Those aren't X's.
Those are kisses for my editor.
Honey, if you want to stay
here, you've got to be quiet.
Okay.
You know, this
room is a fire hazard!
Report me tomorrow, huh?
My daddy said someday you're
going to disappear in this room
and they'd never find you.
Someday your daddy's
going to disappear!
How can you ever find anything?
Honey, I know
where everything is.
It's called cross-filing.
Here's a sock, right?
Now, this sock is here.
That means the other
sock is in the laundry. See?
One is in the
laundry, one is here.
That's how I know
where everything is.
Now, will you please
be quiet, Edna?
(phone rings)
(ringing)
(ringing)
(giggling)
(ringing)
Where's the phone?
Hello. Huh? Okay.
It's for you.
You're sloppy, but you're funny.
Hello. Sloppy-but-Funny.
Hello, Al!
Yeah, the game
is still on. 3:00.
Yeah, all the guys are coming.
You got the address? Good.
Bring a lot of money
'cause the cards
are going to be flying.
I'm going to win
back all that money.
Yeah. Right. 3:00. Bye-bye.
Uncle Oscar, don't you know
that gambling is
against the law?
Don't you like ice cream?
Sure!
Well, your... Felix has
got all kinds of ice cream
neatly packed
right in the freezer.
Why don't you
go get yourself...?
Thanks! Be a nice girl.
Have a happy
time, birthday girl!
Hey, Uncle Oscar! (knocking)
Why are you locking the door?!
To protect you in case of fire.
(typing)
Hey, Felix, when
did you get back?
Just a little while ago.
I got everything. I
got the party favors.
I got the cake, which I am now
decorating myself...
Personal touch.
Look, I'm making roses.
And I got the clown.
Oh, she's going to be so happy.
How's the clown?
Well... seedy, but available.
I'll tell you something.
Clowns are not happy people.
Oh.
How'd you get along with Edna?
It was like you never left.
(chuckles) You had fun, huh?
What are you making?
Sandwiches for the
fellas. You want one?
(groans)
Hey, hurry it up,
will you, Felix?
They're gonna be
here any minute.
What do you want me to
do, leave without Edna?
She's dressing. We'll be
out of here in three minutes.
But I want you to
hurry. Look what you did.
Oh, no! What? What did I do?
You made me spoil my rose!
Tell her it's a red mushroom.
But hurry, will you?
I feel lucky today.
I'm gonna win back
all that money I lost
that other time.
Now I've got to make
them all mushrooms.
Mushroom, bananas... who cares?
The children care.
I care.
I want this to be a day
she'll always remember.
I hope it's a day I'm gonna
always want to remember.
What should I say here, huh?
Well, what do you got?
I got, "Happy
Birthday." That's it.
No, no, no. It should be,
"Happy Birthday
to the most beau..."
Felix, it's a cake.
It's not a portrait.
I'll show you. What
are you doing?
Careful of the mushrooms now.
What are you writing?
"Happy Birthday,
Edna." That's it.
Well, I could have done that.
It's perfect.
I'm a writer. Trust me. Hmm?
It's simple, but it
says it. (clears throat)
Hi, Daddy.
Aw, look at the
birthday girl! Oh!
Oh, she looks so beautiful!
You look so pretty, Edna!
Look what we've got here.
What's that?
It's your birthday cake.
"Happy Birthday, Edna."
Don't you like it?
It's simple, but it says it.
Hey, there we go. I'm out.
You're out, all right.
Come on, Harry. You in or out?
No, I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
That means he's out...
No, no, no, no. Wait, wait.
Hey, would you believe it?
Yesterday I was playing
beside a big movie star's
swimming pool?
Well, I'll fill up the tub and
put on my false eyelashes.
Come on, will you hurry up?
All right, I'll...
(thunder rumbles)
I'll raise you 50.
I'll bump you 50.
I can't get a break
with these cards. I call.
I got the flush!
Ha, ha! What is it?
I got an inside straight...
Boy, it's really
raining out there.
Will you forget about the rain?
Sit down. I want to get even.
Come on.
(men all talking at once)
You came back!
Forgive me!
We could have
stayed out all afternoon,
but the monsoon came.
Well, you're all
drenched. Come on in.
Come in. Thank you.
Boy, this weather is murder
on your bronchial tubes.
Girls, go over
by... by the radiator.
Get warm. Get warm.
Oh, the party is a disaster.
Well, it's only a thunderstorm.
It'll stop soon. You
can go back in the park.
Are you joking?
You'd send us back
to that wet park?
You'd risk six cases of
pneumonia for a poker game?
Of course!
How long are they
going to stay here?
Till I get my 350 bucks back.
That might take all night.
Hey, fellows, I see something
there that can save my life.
Can I have...? Oh, thank you!
Yeah.
(chattering)
How about five...? Parlay.
Well, how many cards we playing?
Two. Two?
What are we playing?
Are we playing five cards?
Yeah. Draw? How many
cards you got? Who opened?
I don't know who opened. Oscar,
are these your reporter friends?
Yeah. All right,
well, I didn't know.
How much is in this pot?
What's the limit on this pot?
Gentlemen, my
name is Felix Unger.
OSCAR: Come on, will you?
I share this apartment
when it rains.
Hiya. Yeah, hello.
Hi. Hi.
Nice to meet you. I
raise you ten dollars.
Likewise. Come on.
Let's go. Are you in or out?
Later there'll be
some cake. I'm out.
(chattering)
Yeah. Okay.
(loud whisper): Oscar!
What is it now?
(crying): Edna's
party, the poor kid!
It's the only tenth
birthday she'll ever have.
Felix, I remember
my tenth birthday.
My father had a poker game.
He sent us all to the movies.
What is that, an
anecdote or a suggestion?
I'll pay for the cab fare.
Why don't you take them
to a nice, warm, dry movie?
There are five movies
in this neighborhood...
Four Xs and an R.
You want me to
sing happy birthday
to my ten-year-old daughter
while two people are
groaning in Swedish?
Well, you better do something.
The kids are getting
chocolate all over the money!
Take your card
game into your room!
What's the matter?
Are you ashamed?
No, it's just a lot of
money involved, that's all.
Hey, Oscar, we can't play
out here with these kids.
Is there another room
we can go to? You see?
Oh, all right, yeah, Al.
We can play in my bedroom.
It's not the greatest
place to play, but it's...
(loud chattering)
You kids stay here.
FELIX: Oh, good!
We're going to have a party now!
GIRLS: Yay! We're
going to have a party!
There we are! Where's Sherman?
He went with the other man.
Sherman!
GIRLS: Sherman! Sherman!
Sherman! Sherman, please!
Sherman, what are
you doing? Come on!
I thought I was rained out!
No, no, no! Come on!
We have to entertain...
(girls cheering,
Sherman humming)
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Before we start the party,
who wants to spray the room?
Okay, I will.
It's-It's pretty close in here.
That's why I left the door open.
Well, where are we gonna play?
On the bed. Well, where is it?
You're a very funny guy...
I'm changing my luck.
I'm getting right over here.
Okay, here we go. $20...
This place reminds me of
a Cuban jail I was in once.
(laughs) Twice. I
got a good memory.
20 dollars.
Ta-ta-ta! What is it, Sherman?
While they're playing the
pin the tail on the donkey,
I got time for a couple of
hands. Will you let me in?
(all voicing dissent)
Will you let me in?
(all voicing assent)
But only for a few hands.
You got... supposed to be back
there with the kids, you know.
All right. Yeah, I wanted
to be a clown once.
I even stole the makeup.
What are Barnum
and Bailey really like?
(all chattering)
Yeah, I'll open for a 20.
I think there's some right here.
20. He opened for a 20.
Hey, hey, look out, look out!
Felix! What?
Felix! Felix! What?!
Come in here! What's going on?
Edna came in here. She
stuck a pin in everybody!
Will you keep the party
in the other room, please?
Sherman, what are
you doing in here?
I need you in there to entertain!
Come on! I'm raising you 20 more.
And I need him in here to finish this
ro... game. What is this? Come on!
I hired this man as a clown.
Look, I'll give your
15 bucks back! I quit!
Who is this pest, Oscar?
Oh, hey, that's
my best friend...
No, that's all right.
This pest happens to live here.
And this pest hired this clown
to entertain at this pest's
daughter's birthday party.
Surely you
remember children, sir.
When you were young,
you used to beat them up.
Hey, that was great, Felix.
Now beat it, will you,
before you become a pest?
All right... I got a full house.
Four ladies, and I win the pot!
Will you come on, entertain!
Oh, all right.
Do your flopsy-mopsy
dance. Do anything! Come on!
GIRLS: Yay!
He's going to entertain us!
No vicious kids, hey?
What about that pin
on the back of my head?
They're bored with pin
the tail on the donkey.
Do something else.
Now look, buddy!
You have gotten the
repertoire that you paid for.
Yes, I gave you
the jellybean trick,
I gave you the
flopsy-mop in the park wet.
Kids, have a good time.
We're gonna be right with you.
Why don't you give
them your biggie,
where your shoes explode?
What, with my socks wet?
You want me to burn my feet?
Look, I've given you
all these funny gags.
I gave you five rain ad-libs
that didn't cost you a penny.
What kind of clown
are you anyway?
When I was a kid, I
looked up to clowns.
I thought they were
wonderful people.
So free!
They did everything for love!
You're the first clown I ever
saw with an adding machine.
What is this world coming to?
All right.
All right, don't get
yourself in an uproar.
I'll give you another free bit.
All right, girls,
we're gonna play!
We're gonna play!
(girls cheering)
We're gonna play. We're
gonna play hide and go seek.
GIRLS: Yay! And I'm it!
Good!
Put your heads down, hide 'em.
You too, Mr. Unger! Hide
your head. All right, all right.
Now count to 100 by ones,
and I'll start you off. One.
One. GIRLS: Two.
Louder. Three, four.
Louder! Five, six.
Seven, eight!
SHERMAN: Nine, ten!
Jack, Queen, King!
I'm in! What happened?
I don't believe
this is happening.
Oh, I'm supposed to be hiding.
It's all right. Don't
worry about it.
ALL: 96, 97,
98, 99, 100.
BOTH: Ready or
not, here we come!
FELIX: I know where Sherman is!
(girls chattering)
Yes, here he is.
Get him, kids. Get him!
He's supposed to
be in there anyway.
(all chattering)
I've had it, Oscar!
Come on. Let's get out of here.
(chattering)
You're supposed to be here.
Felix, don't ever relax
'cause if I see you
dozing for one second,
I'm gonna kill you.
(chattering)
Children! Children!
Don't play in the dirt!
GIRLS: Ew!
(door closing) Let's
play Crazy Eights.
Crazy Eights. Good.
What? (chattering)
What's... What-What...
What's happening?
We're leaving. We're
gonna play someplace else.
Where? Sherman's
office on Tenth Avenue.
You can have the
whole place to yourself.
You happy? Oh, Oscar!
You're not taking my clown away!
He's the big winner!
EDNA: Uncle Oscar?
Where's Sherman?
Why did Sherman go?
Well, honey, he didn't feel
well, so he had to go home.
Aw. We'll have fun.
We'll have fun. That's...
Come on. There you go.
GIRL: What are we
gonna do? (chattering)
We're gonna have a
lot of fun, aren't we?
Aren't we? Know what we'll do?
We'll have fun. Ah...
I'll read you a story.
I'll read you a story.
(children groaning)
Yeah, yeah. Oh,
now, this is great.
No, no. This is really funny.
Oh! Come on, come on, sit down.
This is really nice.
You'll like this.
You'll like this.
Oh, I don't think so.
No.
"Once upon a time, a
young man went down
to the corner to
mail a letter..."
"And so he learned
that you can't mail a
letter without a stamp."
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
It's fasc... The
story of stamps.
Beautiful. What do
you want to do now?
I want to go home, Mr. Unger.
Oh, no, but we haven't...
We haven't had our cake yet!
I don't want any
cake. Yes, you do.
Sit up, sit up like
a nice young lady.
The cake's all wet
anyway. It has leaves on it.
I took the leaves off it, honey.
I know what we'll
do. Let's sing songs.
Let's sing songs. No.
Yeah. Let's sing a round.
Do you all know "Row,
Row, Row Your Boat?"
Do you know?
Yeah, let's sing that.
We'll have fun.
You'll see. Start.
♪ Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream... ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily,
merrily, life is but a dream. ♪
I want to go home! No!
"Row your boat!" Come on!
Me, too. I want to
go home, Mr. Unger.
We're going to have our cake...
(sobbing): This is the worst
birthday party I ever had!
We just want to go
home. Oh, sweetheart.
Ta-da!
(all talking) Sherman!
SHERMAN: Hello, girls!
Hello, girls! I just remembered!
We never sang...
Oscar..."Happy Birthday"
to the birthday girl!
Yeah! Here we go!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
Oscar!
I knew you'd come
back. I knew you knew.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Edna ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
We have to have the cake!
We have to have the cake!
Hey, while Felix
is getting the cake,
I'm will do do my
famous mopsy-flopsy.
GIRLS: We saw that.
You saw that one?
How about the famous
handkerchief trick...?
We saw that... You saw that one?
How about the jellybean trick?
That's... We saw that.
You saw that. Oh!
Oh, my! You've seen everything.
(girls screaming)
(girls laughing)
He was right: It is a biggie.
Gin!
How do you gin all the time?
Because it's my birthday.
Did you call your
mother? Mm-hmm.
And I told her it was the
best birthday I ever had!
Mmm. I think it's
time you go to bed.
Okay.
Thank you, Daddy.
Good night.
And thank you, Uncle Oscar.
There are many things
about you that bug me,
but you're a swell clown,
and I'm glad you're
Daddy's best friend.
Thank you.
FELIX: You see?
So you lost a couple
of hundred dollars,
but you made a child happy.
Aren't you pleased
with yourself?
Ick!
Oscar.
You're home. You working?
No, actually I'm trying to
play "Nola" on my typewriter.
(typing)
You got a cold?
Yeah, oh, boy.
Either that or I'm
allergic to you.
You're not going to
stay here long, are you?
(clanking on coffee table)
Well, as a matter of fact, I am.
I'm going to work for about
three hours until at least 3:00,
and then I'm going to get
ready for the poker game.
What poker game?
Oh, I didn't tell you.
A bunch of sportswriters
are coming into town
to cover the big
fight tomorrow night,
and we're going to have a
big game here this afternoon.
Oh, you're joking.
Why would I joke
about a thing like that?
I'd invite you to sit in,
but I know your mother doesn't
like you to play with strangers.
Don't you know what day this is?
Yeah, Saturday.
This is the 27th.
Right.
Don't you know what, what
happens here this afternoon?
I told you I know.
I'm going to work till 3:00,
then there's going to
be a big game here.
This is Edna's birthday.
Oh, your kid, yeah.
Yes.
You never listen to me.
For a whole week,
I've been telling you
that this year Gloria's letting
me make Edna's birthday party.
Well, I didn't make
the connection.
Because you never listen to me!
My life means nothing to you!
This is a very big day for me.
My little girl's tenth birthday.
Well, wish her a happy for me.
(grunts loudly)
I can't have a little
girl's birthday party
while you're having
a poker game.
That's right, Felix. You can't.
That's your answer?
"That's right,
Felix. You can't."
When you know how
important this is to me.
Well, what am I supposed to do?!
They're coming from
all over the country.
Charley Fillman's coming
from the West Coast,
Al Brown is coming from
Vegas... I'm very sorry.
You're going to have
to cancel your game.
That's all. You're
out of your mi...
Do you know you're
out of your mind?
I'm not going to cancel the
biggest poker game of my life!
Well, I'm not giving up
my little girl's birthday party.
"Happy Birthday" will be sung
to Edna today in this house.
Then it will be sung
by four grumpy old men
who'll be betting
on how old she is.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.
Several years
earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Look, we've got to
get this thing settled.
Edna will be here any minute.
Are you listening to me?!
I'm listening, I'm listening.
As far as I'm
concerned, it's settled.
I hate to pull
rank on you, Felix,
but this is my apartment,
and I have priority
on all social events,
and this happens
to be a big one.
I pay half the rent here.
I'll give you back today's rent.
No party.
Oscar.
Where's your heart?
What's more important?
A poker game or a
little girl's birthday party?
Is that your final
answer, Oscar?
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Beneath that stained
shirt there is no heart.
All right, you win.
I can't fight you.
It's a nice day.
We'll have the
party in the park.
Beautiful, Felix.
You see how easy it is?
On one condition.
What condition?
That you'll take care of Edna
for a couple of
hours while I go out.
I have to pick up the cake.
I have to interview a clown.
You're going to
interview a clown?
You're nothing today
if you don't have a
clown at a birthday party.
It's a big surprise.
I have to go down to his
office and interview him.
Where's his office?
In a tent?
(laughs)
That's very clever.
Well, will you do it?
Yeah, I'll do it, but
I... But, but, but.
Don't tell me you're
reluctant to do one little favor.
I'm not reluctant.
It's just that... well, I don't
think your kid likes me.
Who, Edna?
I don't think she likes
to have me around.
She loves you. Oh, yeah.
The last time she was here,
didn't she bring you a present?
Yeah, a can of room freshener.
(door buzzer buzzing)
It's the thought that counts.
Now, it's her birthday.
Be nice to her.
There's my birthday
girl! Hi, Daddy!
Oh, look at her.
What have you got?
Licorice whips. Oh, boy.
Two blacks and two reds.
Oh, yeah.
I'll bet you brought one
for Uncle Oscar, didn't you?
No!
Give him a nice, big hug.
Hello, Uncle Oscar.
(coughing): Ugh!
Now, just for my
records, Mr. Unger,
would you mind revealing
the source of your reference?
Um, a Mr. Bennett.
I believe you did his
son Mark's birthday party.
Mark Bennett?
Last spring, yes.
Last sp... oh, Mark Bennett.
So many kids are
named Mark these days,
it's hard for me to
keep up with them.
Well, I suppose
it's not important.
Oh, but it is.
For recommending you,
Mr. Bennett is entitled
to one free jellybean trick.
Hmm.
He's easy to get in touch with.
He's, uh, vice president of
the Chase Manhattan Bank.
Chase... Manhattan... Bank.
One... free...
jelly... bean... trick.
Sherman the Clown, huh?
Yeah, well, when I
got into show business,
I promised my father I
wouldn't change my name.
Well, the party's
going to be at 3:00
in the children's
zoo at Central Park.
Okay, I'll be there. Right.
Now, uh, what would
you like to have me wear?
These pictures'll sort
of give you an idea.
(sound effects on television)
OSCAR: Edna! Edna!
Edna, honey,
could you turn the set
down a little bit please?
If I make it any softer, I
won't be able to hear it.
I can hear it great
in my bedroom.
I've got the door closed.
Okay, okay.
And honey, honey, honey.
Could you stick to one channel
instead of all that changing?
I feel like I'm living
in a time tunnel.
You won't let me have any fun.
It's my birthday.
When is the party
going to start?
As soon as your daddy
gets here, honey, okay?
Your shirt's out.
Yeah, I got a hole in my pants.
Oh, Oscar.
Oscar, Oscar.
Uh, the bear suit's very nice.
How about the bear suit?
(coughing): No, that's out.
A couple of vicious children
attacked that bear
suit five years ago.
Oh, well, just your
basic clown then.
Basic clown. Yeah.
All right.
Now, will you be wanting
the jellybean trick?
Is that extra? 65 cents.
Uh, plus the jellybeans.
Throw that in then.
Throw that in then.
This is just little
girls, you know.
Oh, there's no
rough stuff in this.
Oh, and those little girls just
love my flopsy-mopsy dance.
That's $3.50.
Flopsy-mopsy dance?
Yeah.
(indistinct mumbling)
That's cute. That's cute.
(mumbling continues)
That's enough.
Whoa, I'm glad you stopped me.
Thanks.
Now.
Will you be wanting
my, uh, my biggie,
the one I'm really famous for,
the one that never fails?
What is your biggie?
Well, my, uh, shoes explode.
Yeah. That's $12.55.
Is it messy?
Only on my socks.
All right. Throw it in.
Want that, too. All right, fine.
Well, just a moment, Mr. Unger.
Now, let's see. Basic clown.
Flopsy-mopsy.
Jellybean. Je... Jellybean.
Well, let's just say 15 bucks
for the afternoon, okay?
Uncle Oscar!
What is it, Edna?
Ugh!
Again, ugh!
How can you live like this?
I practice.
What is it, honey?
There's nothing good on TV.
This is New York!
There are 52 channels!
I know. I heard them all today.
Go ahead, honey. Go
on. Watch Sesame Street.
That's on now.
Aw, that's for kids.
What are you, a giraffe?
Hey, there's a blue
stain on your rug.
No. That's the original color.
You mean the rest
is all one big stain?
Here's a half a tuna
fish sandwich. Here.
Go eat in the living
room, will you?
Ick!
Give me this.
Can I watch you work?
There's nothing to
watch. I'm just typing.
I like to watch you typing.
Cincinnati is spelled
C-I-N-C-I-double-N-A-T-I.
This is a different Cincinnati.
There's only one.
How can you be a writer if
you don't know how to spell?
Spelling's got nothing
to do with writing.
Mrs. Lange says
spelling is very important.
Well, you tell Mrs. Lange
it's impossible to spell
and write at the same time.
You make a lot of
mistakes, don't you?
All those X's.
Those aren't X's.
Those are kisses for my editor.
Honey, if you want to stay
here, you've got to be quiet.
Okay.
You know, this
room is a fire hazard!
Report me tomorrow, huh?
My daddy said someday you're
going to disappear in this room
and they'd never find you.
Someday your daddy's
going to disappear!
How can you ever find anything?
Honey, I know
where everything is.
It's called cross-filing.
Here's a sock, right?
Now, this sock is here.
That means the other
sock is in the laundry. See?
One is in the
laundry, one is here.
That's how I know
where everything is.
Now, will you please
be quiet, Edna?
(phone rings)
(ringing)
(ringing)
(giggling)
(ringing)
Where's the phone?
Hello. Huh? Okay.
It's for you.
You're sloppy, but you're funny.
Hello. Sloppy-but-Funny.
Hello, Al!
Yeah, the game
is still on. 3:00.
Yeah, all the guys are coming.
You got the address? Good.
Bring a lot of money
'cause the cards
are going to be flying.
I'm going to win
back all that money.
Yeah. Right. 3:00. Bye-bye.
Uncle Oscar, don't you know
that gambling is
against the law?
Don't you like ice cream?
Sure!
Well, your... Felix has
got all kinds of ice cream
neatly packed
right in the freezer.
Why don't you
go get yourself...?
Thanks! Be a nice girl.
Have a happy
time, birthday girl!
Hey, Uncle Oscar! (knocking)
Why are you locking the door?!
To protect you in case of fire.
(typing)
Hey, Felix, when
did you get back?
Just a little while ago.
I got everything. I
got the party favors.
I got the cake, which I am now
decorating myself...
Personal touch.
Look, I'm making roses.
And I got the clown.
Oh, she's going to be so happy.
How's the clown?
Well... seedy, but available.
I'll tell you something.
Clowns are not happy people.
Oh.
How'd you get along with Edna?
It was like you never left.
(chuckles) You had fun, huh?
What are you making?
Sandwiches for the
fellas. You want one?
(groans)
Hey, hurry it up,
will you, Felix?
They're gonna be
here any minute.
What do you want me to
do, leave without Edna?
She's dressing. We'll be
out of here in three minutes.
But I want you to
hurry. Look what you did.
Oh, no! What? What did I do?
You made me spoil my rose!
Tell her it's a red mushroom.
But hurry, will you?
I feel lucky today.
I'm gonna win back
all that money I lost
that other time.
Now I've got to make
them all mushrooms.
Mushroom, bananas... who cares?
The children care.
I care.
I want this to be a day
she'll always remember.
I hope it's a day I'm gonna
always want to remember.
What should I say here, huh?
Well, what do you got?
I got, "Happy
Birthday." That's it.
No, no, no. It should be,
"Happy Birthday
to the most beau..."
Felix, it's a cake.
It's not a portrait.
I'll show you. What
are you doing?
Careful of the mushrooms now.
What are you writing?
"Happy Birthday,
Edna." That's it.
Well, I could have done that.
It's perfect.
I'm a writer. Trust me. Hmm?
It's simple, but it
says it. (clears throat)
Hi, Daddy.
Aw, look at the
birthday girl! Oh!
Oh, she looks so beautiful!
You look so pretty, Edna!
Look what we've got here.
What's that?
It's your birthday cake.
"Happy Birthday, Edna."
Don't you like it?
It's simple, but it says it.
Hey, there we go. I'm out.
You're out, all right.
Come on, Harry. You in or out?
No, I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
That means he's out...
No, no, no, no. Wait, wait.
Hey, would you believe it?
Yesterday I was playing
beside a big movie star's
swimming pool?
Well, I'll fill up the tub and
put on my false eyelashes.
Come on, will you hurry up?
All right, I'll...
(thunder rumbles)
I'll raise you 50.
I'll bump you 50.
I can't get a break
with these cards. I call.
I got the flush!
Ha, ha! What is it?
I got an inside straight...
Boy, it's really
raining out there.
Will you forget about the rain?
Sit down. I want to get even.
Come on.
(men all talking at once)
You came back!
Forgive me!
We could have
stayed out all afternoon,
but the monsoon came.
Well, you're all
drenched. Come on in.
Come in. Thank you.
Boy, this weather is murder
on your bronchial tubes.
Girls, go over
by... by the radiator.
Get warm. Get warm.
Oh, the party is a disaster.
Well, it's only a thunderstorm.
It'll stop soon. You
can go back in the park.
Are you joking?
You'd send us back
to that wet park?
You'd risk six cases of
pneumonia for a poker game?
Of course!
How long are they
going to stay here?
Till I get my 350 bucks back.
That might take all night.
Hey, fellows, I see something
there that can save my life.
Can I have...? Oh, thank you!
Yeah.
(chattering)
How about five...? Parlay.
Well, how many cards we playing?
Two. Two?
What are we playing?
Are we playing five cards?
Yeah. Draw? How many
cards you got? Who opened?
I don't know who opened. Oscar,
are these your reporter friends?
Yeah. All right,
well, I didn't know.
How much is in this pot?
What's the limit on this pot?
Gentlemen, my
name is Felix Unger.
OSCAR: Come on, will you?
I share this apartment
when it rains.
Hiya. Yeah, hello.
Hi. Hi.
Nice to meet you. I
raise you ten dollars.
Likewise. Come on.
Let's go. Are you in or out?
Later there'll be
some cake. I'm out.
(chattering)
Yeah. Okay.
(loud whisper): Oscar!
What is it now?
(crying): Edna's
party, the poor kid!
It's the only tenth
birthday she'll ever have.
Felix, I remember
my tenth birthday.
My father had a poker game.
He sent us all to the movies.
What is that, an
anecdote or a suggestion?
I'll pay for the cab fare.
Why don't you take them
to a nice, warm, dry movie?
There are five movies
in this neighborhood...
Four Xs and an R.
You want me to
sing happy birthday
to my ten-year-old daughter
while two people are
groaning in Swedish?
Well, you better do something.
The kids are getting
chocolate all over the money!
Take your card
game into your room!
What's the matter?
Are you ashamed?
No, it's just a lot of
money involved, that's all.
Hey, Oscar, we can't play
out here with these kids.
Is there another room
we can go to? You see?
Oh, all right, yeah, Al.
We can play in my bedroom.
It's not the greatest
place to play, but it's...
(loud chattering)
You kids stay here.
FELIX: Oh, good!
We're going to have a party now!
GIRLS: Yay! We're
going to have a party!
There we are! Where's Sherman?
He went with the other man.
Sherman!
GIRLS: Sherman! Sherman!
Sherman! Sherman, please!
Sherman, what are
you doing? Come on!
I thought I was rained out!
No, no, no! Come on!
We have to entertain...
(girls cheering,
Sherman humming)
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Before we start the party,
who wants to spray the room?
Okay, I will.
It's-It's pretty close in here.
That's why I left the door open.
Well, where are we gonna play?
On the bed. Well, where is it?
You're a very funny guy...
I'm changing my luck.
I'm getting right over here.
Okay, here we go. $20...
This place reminds me of
a Cuban jail I was in once.
(laughs) Twice. I
got a good memory.
20 dollars.
Ta-ta-ta! What is it, Sherman?
While they're playing the
pin the tail on the donkey,
I got time for a couple of
hands. Will you let me in?
(all voicing dissent)
Will you let me in?
(all voicing assent)
But only for a few hands.
You got... supposed to be back
there with the kids, you know.
All right. Yeah, I wanted
to be a clown once.
I even stole the makeup.
What are Barnum
and Bailey really like?
(all chattering)
Yeah, I'll open for a 20.
I think there's some right here.
20. He opened for a 20.
Hey, hey, look out, look out!
Felix! What?
Felix! Felix! What?!
Come in here! What's going on?
Edna came in here. She
stuck a pin in everybody!
Will you keep the party
in the other room, please?
Sherman, what are
you doing in here?
I need you in there to entertain!
Come on! I'm raising you 20 more.
And I need him in here to finish this
ro... game. What is this? Come on!
I hired this man as a clown.
Look, I'll give your
15 bucks back! I quit!
Who is this pest, Oscar?
Oh, hey, that's
my best friend...
No, that's all right.
This pest happens to live here.
And this pest hired this clown
to entertain at this pest's
daughter's birthday party.
Surely you
remember children, sir.
When you were young,
you used to beat them up.
Hey, that was great, Felix.
Now beat it, will you,
before you become a pest?
All right... I got a full house.
Four ladies, and I win the pot!
Will you come on, entertain!
Oh, all right.
Do your flopsy-mopsy
dance. Do anything! Come on!
GIRLS: Yay!
He's going to entertain us!
No vicious kids, hey?
What about that pin
on the back of my head?
They're bored with pin
the tail on the donkey.
Do something else.
Now look, buddy!
You have gotten the
repertoire that you paid for.
Yes, I gave you
the jellybean trick,
I gave you the
flopsy-mop in the park wet.
Kids, have a good time.
We're gonna be right with you.
Why don't you give
them your biggie,
where your shoes explode?
What, with my socks wet?
You want me to burn my feet?
Look, I've given you
all these funny gags.
I gave you five rain ad-libs
that didn't cost you a penny.
What kind of clown
are you anyway?
When I was a kid, I
looked up to clowns.
I thought they were
wonderful people.
So free!
They did everything for love!
You're the first clown I ever
saw with an adding machine.
What is this world coming to?
All right.
All right, don't get
yourself in an uproar.
I'll give you another free bit.
All right, girls,
we're gonna play!
We're gonna play!
(girls cheering)
We're gonna play. We're
gonna play hide and go seek.
GIRLS: Yay! And I'm it!
Good!
Put your heads down, hide 'em.
You too, Mr. Unger! Hide
your head. All right, all right.
Now count to 100 by ones,
and I'll start you off. One.
One. GIRLS: Two.
Louder. Three, four.
Louder! Five, six.
Seven, eight!
SHERMAN: Nine, ten!
Jack, Queen, King!
I'm in! What happened?
I don't believe
this is happening.
Oh, I'm supposed to be hiding.
It's all right. Don't
worry about it.
ALL: 96, 97,
98, 99, 100.
BOTH: Ready or
not, here we come!
FELIX: I know where Sherman is!
(girls chattering)
Yes, here he is.
Get him, kids. Get him!
He's supposed to
be in there anyway.
(all chattering)
I've had it, Oscar!
Come on. Let's get out of here.
(chattering)
You're supposed to be here.
Felix, don't ever relax
'cause if I see you
dozing for one second,
I'm gonna kill you.
(chattering)
Children! Children!
Don't play in the dirt!
GIRLS: Ew!
(door closing) Let's
play Crazy Eights.
Crazy Eights. Good.
What? (chattering)
What's... What-What...
What's happening?
We're leaving. We're
gonna play someplace else.
Where? Sherman's
office on Tenth Avenue.
You can have the
whole place to yourself.
You happy? Oh, Oscar!
You're not taking my clown away!
He's the big winner!
EDNA: Uncle Oscar?
Where's Sherman?
Why did Sherman go?
Well, honey, he didn't feel
well, so he had to go home.
Aw. We'll have fun.
We'll have fun. That's...
Come on. There you go.
GIRL: What are we
gonna do? (chattering)
We're gonna have a
lot of fun, aren't we?
Aren't we? Know what we'll do?
We'll have fun. Ah...
I'll read you a story.
I'll read you a story.
(children groaning)
Yeah, yeah. Oh,
now, this is great.
No, no. This is really funny.
Oh! Come on, come on, sit down.
This is really nice.
You'll like this.
You'll like this.
Oh, I don't think so.
No.
"Once upon a time, a
young man went down
to the corner to
mail a letter..."
"And so he learned
that you can't mail a
letter without a stamp."
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
It's fasc... The
story of stamps.
Beautiful. What do
you want to do now?
I want to go home, Mr. Unger.
Oh, no, but we haven't...
We haven't had our cake yet!
I don't want any
cake. Yes, you do.
Sit up, sit up like
a nice young lady.
The cake's all wet
anyway. It has leaves on it.
I took the leaves off it, honey.
I know what we'll
do. Let's sing songs.
Let's sing songs. No.
Yeah. Let's sing a round.
Do you all know "Row,
Row, Row Your Boat?"
Do you know?
Yeah, let's sing that.
We'll have fun.
You'll see. Start.
♪ Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream... ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily,
merrily, life is but a dream. ♪
I want to go home! No!
"Row your boat!" Come on!
Me, too. I want to
go home, Mr. Unger.
We're going to have our cake...
(sobbing): This is the worst
birthday party I ever had!
We just want to go
home. Oh, sweetheart.
Ta-da!
(all talking) Sherman!
SHERMAN: Hello, girls!
Hello, girls! I just remembered!
We never sang...
Oscar..."Happy Birthday"
to the birthday girl!
Yeah! Here we go!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
Oscar!
I knew you'd come
back. I knew you knew.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Edna ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
We have to have the cake!
We have to have the cake!
Hey, while Felix
is getting the cake,
I'm will do do my
famous mopsy-flopsy.
GIRLS: We saw that.
You saw that one?
How about the famous
handkerchief trick...?
We saw that... You saw that one?
How about the jellybean trick?
That's... We saw that.
You saw that. Oh!
Oh, my! You've seen everything.
(girls screaming)
(girls laughing)
He was right: It is a biggie.
Gin!
How do you gin all the time?
Because it's my birthday.
Did you call your
mother? Mm-hmm.
And I told her it was the
best birthday I ever had!
Mmm. I think it's
time you go to bed.
Okay.
Thank you, Daddy.
Good night.
And thank you, Uncle Oscar.
There are many things
about you that bug me,
but you're a swell clown,
and I'm glad you're
Daddy's best friend.
Thank you.
FELIX: You see?
So you lost a couple
of hundred dollars,
but you made a child happy.
Aren't you pleased
with yourself?
Ick!