The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 11 - Being Divorced Is Never Having to Say I Do - full transcript
Blanche is about to remarry. Oscar is enthusiastic about the match, (especially as he will not have to pay any more alimony). But Felix is uncertain Blanche is doing the right thing.
Oscar!
Oscar. Oscar get up!
Get up!
I've got news for you! Get up!
I've got good news
and I've got bad news.
What time is it?
8:00 of a bright sunny morning!
What's the good news?
Get up! Get your clothes on.
There's someone
here to see you. Who?
Get up and see for
yourself. An old friend.
Someone very
near and dear to you!
My bookie is here so early?
No, but it begins with "B."
So does bug off, Felix. I'm
not getting up for anybody!
Not even for Blanche?
Not even for Blanche...
Blanche is here?!
My ex-wife Blanche
from California?!
Yes! Blanche is here?
Yes! She came from
California... she's here!
Tell her I'm not home! Oh,
come on. What's the matter?
She has something to tell you.
I know what she's
gonna tell me, Felix.
I'm three months
behind in my alimony.
Is-is-is... is her
lawyer with her?
No, no. A tall skinny
guy with a smile?
No, no. She got any papers...
State of New York... A
subpoena and everything.
Why did you let her in?
The one person in the world
I never want to see is Blanche.
My God I don't want to...
Hi, Blanche nice to see you.
Hi, Oscar.
Ah, same old
Oscar, neat as a pin.
Wow...
it's like a stroll
down memory sewer.
Same old Blanche,
still zinging them, huh?
FELIX: Well, I'll
leave you two alone.
OSCAR/BLANCHE: No! Wait!
He was so excited.
I didn't tell him
the great news!
What great news? Tell him.
I'm getting married again.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
You little goblin.
You're getting
married this afternoon.
I can't... I don't
know what to say.
Ah, come on, say
what's in your heart.
No more alimony.
Aw, no, honey, I'm
happy for you, too.
I really am, Blanche.
I'm not really prepared
for a celebration.
All I've got is some German
chocolate cake and Muscatel.
Perfect if you're a Nazi wino.
Wouldn't you rather
have some beer?
Beer. No.
Who ever heard of
Beer for a celebration?
How about coffee?
Coffee for breakfast,
now why didn't we think of that?
Sit, come on, sit, Blanche.
Oh, thanks.
Well, tell us about
your intended.
Ah, how long have you known him?
Who, Roger? About
three weeks. Yeah.
Three weeks? Yeah.
Twenty one days.
Are you sure you're doing
the right thing, Blanche?
Of course she's sure!
It's a whirlwind romance, for...
The guy sees what he
wants and he takes it.
I like his style.
So, uh, tell us where, uh,
where did he pop the question?
At the Whispering Pines.
Hey, that sounds romantic!
Romantic? It's a motel
outside of Dayton.
Blanche!
Oh, darling!
We were having coffee
in the coffee shop.
Forgive me. I
thought... Oh, no. No.
I thought so, too...
but we ended up
in the coffee shop.
Well, uh, what,
what first attracted you to him?
He asked me out.
Good looking?
No, but I've never
been attracted
to good looking men.
Well, I hope he has
a sense of humor.
He's very nice.
So, now let's get
down to basics.
How tall is he?
Five feet four inches.
Only five... Napoleon
was only five-four.
As long as he's tall enough
to reach her wedding finger
that's all that counts.
Use your napkin.
You're wonderful!
I never got him any
further than his sleeves.
I don't get a real
picture of him, Blanche.
What-what, what are his hobbies,
what are his interests?
Well, his big passion
is steam baths.
FELIX: Mm-hmm.
See...
Is that something the
two of you can share,
Blanche?
Well, maybe they'll
take a trip to Japan!
BOTH: Get your
feet off the chair!
Look at this...
nagging in stereo!
Wipe your lip.
So when's the wedding?
At 3:00, this afternoon.
3:00. Mm-hmm.
And I got to go. Aw...
Oh, listen, I want to look good
and lately it's an all day job.
You look great!
You sure look good!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I want to tell you, the more
I hear about this Roger,
the more I like him. Right.
I mean, I seems like an
individualist, Mm-hmm.
He doesn't follow the...
You've got to be very strong
to take all those baths!
(chuckling)
I really came to ask
you to the wedding.
I'd like you to be there.
Are you kidding? Of
course we'll be there!
You need a bridesmaid?
I'll be a bridesmaid!
Felix... Me? Oh.
On condition that you let
me bake the wedding cake.
I'd love it.
3:00 at The Wee Kirk of Yonkers.
The Wee Kirk of Yonkers?
Don't blame me,
his side picked it.
Bye! Bye.
I wish you only
the best, Blanche.
BLANCHE: Thank you, Felix!
Lord knows, you
didn't get it the first time.
(singing): ♪ Here
comes the bride ♪
♪ She's going to let
me keep my bread. ♪
(humming)
Oh, Felix, isn't it wonderful
the way everything worked out?
Isn't this marvelous?
She's going to get married!
You're shaking your
head the wrong way.
Your head should
be going this way.
It's a lovely day.
That a boy fella.
Oscar. What?
May I say something? No.
Nothing.
Nevertheless,
I don't think it's going
to work out. What?
What don't you think is going to
work out? What? What? What?
You heard the way
she spoke about him.
Is that the way a woman
talks about the man
she's going to marry?
What do you got against Roger,
steam baths?
They have soap,
towels, washcloths.
Everything you put
on your Christmas list!
You should love him.
Oscar, the way
she described him.
She said he was
nice. Yeah. Nice.
That's it... nice.
Well, nice is nice!
Not once was the
word "love" mentioned.
I lived with her 12 years,
not once was the
word "love" mentioned!
Maybe you were never listening!
Oh, now stop it.
What are you looking for?
That black... Black?
Yeah. Black what? What?
Black olive?
(thump) No.
What?
Here it is. I got it. What?
It's a black sock
to match this one
for the wedding.
Don't you care if
Blanche is happy?
Of course I care.
Don't you care if I'm happy?
Not as much I, as I care
as if Blanche is happy!
Alright, Felix, okay, she
didn't say she loves him.
I'll say it for her.
She loves him.
I could see it in her eyes.
The guy's nice, he's a,
he's financially secure.
I love him! Then you marry him!
I'm telling you she's happy.
I know Blanche!
I know the mad Blanche,
the happy Blanche,
the crazy Blanche,
the sad Blanche.
I know her like a book.
What color are her eyes?
Go bake your wedding cake.
Gee!
Awfully big for a
wee kirk, isn't it?
It's good.
Gives them a lot of
room to kirk around in.
What have you got
there, a present?
No, it's the divorce decree.
Just in case she forgot hers,
I'm not taking any chances.
Five-four.
Looks clean, right?
Hello, sir, I want
to congratulate you.
You're getting yourself
quite a woman there!
Oh, ah, I'm Oscar Madison,
Blanche's first husband.
Oh, glad to meet you.
I'm Charles Parsley,
the best man.
Ah! Mm.
Where's the happy bridegroom?
Well, I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
Well, he was supposed to
meet us here 20 minutes ago!
I'll try to reach him.
Yeah, do that, will you?
Here, you got a dime?
Hello, Felix.
Aw, there she is!
Oscar, look!
How radiant she is!
Yeah... congratulations.
I'm not married yet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thanks for wearing a tie.
Does it light up? Very funny.
Where's the bridegroom?
He isn't here yet? Yeah...
I hope nothing happened
to him, but don't worry.
I'm not worried. I
mean, we'll find him.
He won't get away,
I mean, we'll...
take care of it, so don't worry.
I'm not worried! Excuse me.
Is this the 3:00 party?
We're the party.
I'm Reverend Wright.
Ah.
Right Reverend Wright!
(giggles)
I have a message
from the bridegroom.
He's at a steam
bath at 41 and fifth.
Seems he stayed in a little
too long and nodded off.
That could take a
couple hours to get here!
I just hope he's here by 3:30.
We have a funeral at 4:00.
You mean I'm the
opening act for a funeral?
It pays the rent.
Where are you going?
I'm going to 41 and
fifth and find him!
How'll you know him? I'll
look for a short wrinkled man!
Calm down, sweetheart. (sobbing)
You're going to be a
wonderful maid of honor.
And please, sweetheart,
you're supposed to
cry after the wedding!
Am I intruding?
Oh, heavens, no, come on in.
Hello.
Oh, this is my...
maid of honor, Judy Milhaus.
How do you do? And
this is Felix Unger.
Hello, Judy. Hello.
Blanche, may I talk to you?
Judy, do you mind? Oh, no.
I'll be outside. Yes, dear,
you go and tie
the cans to the car
and give out the
rice, all those things.
Oh, boy, she's never going
to make it through! Hmm.
Judy a relative?
Not really.
Old friend?
Yeah, since yesterday
when she sold me this dress.
A salesclerk?
You've got a salesclerk for
your bridesmaid, Blanche?
Oscar would have
been a better choice.
Well, it was either her or
the stewardess on the plane.
I don't know anybody
in New York any more.
Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.
Felix, what's the matter?
(sniffling)
Where are you going
on your honeymoon?
Anyplace except
where Oscar took me.
Where was that?
To a hockey game
between the Rangers
and the Redwings,
where I got hit with a puck!
May I ask you
something, Blanche?
Yes, dear, go right ahead.
You love Roger?
I like him.
He's very nice.
He's tender.
Well, he should be after
all those steam baths.
Felix... I had love
once, with Oscar.
I'm satisfied.
I like being married.
The best thing
about being married
to Oscar was being married!
You're an attractive
girl, Blanche.
You must have many,
many opportunities.
Three in the last five years.
One was a militant hairdresser.
One was an obscene phone caller,
except he turned out
to be a little too tall.
And one was a
note tied to a rock.
Now this is it.
I'm going to marry Roger.
I'll see if Oscar's back.
I may be a hopeless romantic,
but to me love is not having a
total stranger as a bridesmaid.
Or a husband.
Here's the groom!
Felix, I want you to
meet a terrific little guy!
How do you do?
Hey, Felix Unger, Mister Doctor.
You're a doctor!
No, that's my name.
Roger Doctor.
Actually,
I'm in milk. Milk!
He's being modest.
A string of dairies
upstate, you know,
cows and price parities and
supports... Oh, my, goodness,
isn't that impressive!
Hello, Roger!
Hello, dear.
Sorry I fouled things up.
All is forgiven!
I'll forgive him,
if you don't mind.
Sorry.
I forgive you, darling.
Well, if everybody's present,
we really should get
on with the ceremony.
If I can have the bride
and groom right over here.
Look at this!
I almost walked
the last mile again.
Sorry, you just looked so happy.
Maid of honor here.
Best man to that side.
(clears throat)
Are you in milk, too?
No, I'm in yogurt.
I take whatever
goes sour on Roger.
Now, then... if
everybody's ready,
I'll start your souvenir
recording of the ceremony,
which we give you
at no extra cost.
Testing, one, two, three.
And... hit it, Kim.
(organ plays)
My dear friends,
we have gathered here today
at The Wee Kirk
of Yonkers Chapel,
just one mile south
of Yonkers raceway,
to join these two
in holy matrimony.
But before I pronounce
the final vows
by the authority vested in me
by the State of New York,
let me ask if there
is anyone present
who knows of any reason
why this couple should
not be joined in marriage.
Let him speak now, or
forever hold his peace.
I object.
MINISTER (on record): couple
should not be joined in marriage,
let him speak now, or
forever hold his peace.
FELIX (on record): I object.
I object. I object.
Hello.
I stayed for the funeral.
Did you stand up in
the middle and say,
"I object. This
man is not dead"?
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad.
I'm just sitting here listening
to the number one
record on my hit parade.
Listen, you're going to love it.
FELIX (on record):
I object. I object.
I object.
You like it?
The melody isn't much,
but the words are catchy.
My crazy sense of humor.
Don't be angry. I'm
not objecting forever.
I just want to
give them a couple
of days to think it over.
How do you interfere
with two adults
who want to get married?
It's none of your
business. It is.
I like Blanche, and I acted
out of friendship for her.
Oh, that's what you
do with your friends?
Wonderful. I'm glad I'm not
one of your friends anymore.
It never would have worked out.
Oh, tell me about it,
Mr. expert on marriage who's
divorced and living with a slob.
Blanche doesn't love Roger.
Oh, again with the love.
Yes, again with love!
All right, tell me, what
is love, Dear Abby?
What is love? What is love?
Love is, love is,
love is two people
running hand in hand through
the fields with the music playing,
and they're running and they're
running and they're running...
That's not love, that's a
toilet paper commercial.
So coarse. Aah...
Love is that feeling
between two people and two...
Well, it doesn't have
to be two people.
It can be a man and his dog.
It can be a child
and a teddy bear.
It can be squirrels, bunnies...
I don't want to hear about
squirrels and bunnies.
Tell me about Blanche
and the milkman.
I-I... I can't tell you
Yeah, sure. exactly
what love is just now.
All right, well, I can
tell you what it isn't.
Love isn't, "He's so nice."
Love isn't spending the
rest of your life with someone
whose main passion is sitting in
a towel somewhere and sweating.
Don't tell me what it isn't.
Tell me what it is.
Well, now that, now
that I know what it isn't,
now I can tell you what it is.
Love is... that intense, vital,
passionate feeling one
person has for another.
That's it. Basically.
I have those feelings for you,
but I'm pretty sure it's hate.
You're upset, understandably,
because there are a
few dollars involved.
But you cannot deny to
Blanche her right to romance.
Romance. Marriage
isn't enough for you?
That's right.
Romance... that, that
feeling that you'd rather die
than to be apart
from the one you love,
that, that wonderful
feeling of pain in your heart
when the one
you love isn't there,
that ache when you're
waiting for the phone to ring.
That's romance.
That isn't ro... that's
romance if you're 16 years old.
Then I am forever 16 years old.
So is that fish.
What didn't you like?
The fish?
The salad?
The wine?
The cook.
What are you doing?
I'm watching TV.
Without sound?
I don't want any sound.
Somebody's liable
to say, "I object."
What's on?
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
That's a wonderful movie.
(door buzzer sounds) You
bet it's a wonderful movie.
Seven ceremonies
nobody's objected to.
Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.
Oh, Felix, it's all right.
It's your way.
You're just a fun person.
Hi, Blanche.
Hi, Oscar.
Cheer up.
Roger and I have reserved
the chapel for tomorrow noon.
Ah! You have?
That's wonderful!
But first we're gonna have
dinner tonight to talk it over.
You see? That is a
sensible, mature decision.
Felix, go to your room!
I'm not a child.
I know you're not a child.
A child puts a smile
on everybody's face.
Now, go!
I want to stay in here.
She's my ex-wife.
I want to talk to her privately.
Please, Felix. All right.
Congratulations, Blanche, I
hope everything works out fine.
Thanks.
I'll be in my room
if you need me.
Nobody needs you.
What am I gonna
do in my room alone?
Is that sound on?
No.
Good, I thought
I was going deaf.
Sit down, Blanche.
You want a drink or something?
No, no, I can't stay long.
Well, what is it?
I mean, is it on or is it off?
Well, we'll see.
We're gonna talk about it.
It's all his fault.
It's not his fault.
He just wanted to make sure
that it was a marriage
made in heaven, like ours.
Like ours?
It's a joke, Oscar.
Thousands of people in this
state use Madison vs. Madison
as a precedent
for their divorce.
Well, we had fun
in the beginning.
You kidding?
We had a great year or two.
Two out of 12 ain't bad.
I figured the only reason
you married me anyway
was because you had a bet
on with your cronies eight to five
and you couldn't
resist the odds.
So I picked up a
few hundred dollars.
Aw! (laughing)
I was gonna marry you anyway.
Blanche, can I
ask you something?
Sure.
Why did you let Felix get away
with pulling that stunt today?
I don't know.
It just happened.
Well, maybe you don't
want to get married again.
Maybe you figure it's
easier to ride the gravy train
for a couple of more years.
What gravy train?
The Oscar Madison alimony train.
The Oscar Madison alimony train?
You mean the one that
stops at every crap game?
Oh, that's a great train, Oscar.
You never realized what
a wonderful feeling it is
knowing that your alimony
is somewhere out there
riding on a hard eight!
Now, why don't you get off my
back and marry the milkman?!
I got news for you!
At this moment, I'd marry the
guy who hit me with the puck!
Yeah?
Well, I'll believe
that when I see it!
Well, show up at noon
tomorrow and you'll see!
Well, I got news
for you, a real flash.
I'll be there in the flesh!
Have a little class, sweetheart!
Wear a suit!
Oscar...
are you going to let
her go through with this?
To Roger and Blanche.
I think Shelley said it best:
"I could lie down
like a tired child
and weep away the life of care."
I think Baby Face
Nelson said it better.
What did he say?
"You make one wrong
move, I'm gonna kill you."
Well, gang, shall we
have another go at it?
I think so.
I know so.
MINISTER: Mr. Unger,
I take it this time
you'll be able to
control yourself.
My lips are sealed.
My heart is another story.
Well, then, shall we proceed?
Kim, if you please.
(organ playing)
My dear friends,
we are gathered again today
to have another crack at uniting
in holy matrimony
Blanche Jefferson Madison
and Roger J. Doctor.
Before I pronounce
the final vows,
let me ask if there is anyone
present who knows of any reason
why this couple should
not be joined in wedlock.
Let him speak now or
forever hold his peace.
Good.
If I may have the ring, please.
I object.
Roger, look at it this way.
I know it hurts.
It was never meant to be.
Felix, I'm telling you,
I'm not that shocked.
Life is unpredictable.
One day it's butter, the
next day it's margarine.
Right. Exactly.
In fact, when you
come right down to it,
I wish my first wife had had
friends like you and Oscar.
I would have saved
half of my Holsteins.
(chuckles)
That's the spirit.
No use crying over spilt milk.
(laughing)
I like you, boy.
Let's have a steam
together sometime.
Now, you go, and
you just untie the cans,
and you can take
the rice home, dear.
Oh, boy.
And now, you.
I'm sorry, dear.
The words just came
out, I don't know.
Oh, boy, am I glad they did.
I didn't have the guts for it.
What?
You know last night
when we had that fight?
Yeah.
It brought back
a lot of memories.
And a lot of them were bad,
but some of them were good.
I didn't like the hostility,
but I liked the openness.
I need that in a relationship.
Me, too.
It's nothing to
base a marriage on.
But when we fight, we're
a couple of heavyweights.
I'm a pretty tough
lady, as you know.
You're pretty, but you're
not so tough, you're really not.
And you're gonna make
somebody a great wife,
but don't underrate yourself.
You got to take the
time to find the right guy.
I found him, but Elizabeth
Taylor won't let him go.
Always with the jokes.
You're a nice guy, Oscar.
I got to go.
Roger's gonna drive
me to the airport.
Maybe I can hijack the pilot.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Anything, anything. What?
You know those
little alimony checks?
I'd like to have
them all by the 15th.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Good-bye, Felix.
Blanche, Blanche, mm.
Have a safe trip.
Thank you, dear.
Aren't you coming?
I thought I'd wait
for the 2:15 funeral.
Maybe it'll cheer me up.
Funny day, wasn't it?
Hmm.
Sad wedding and a happy funeral.
It was a nice funeral,
though, wasn't it?
Not the way I'd
like mine, though.
You know what I would like?
I would like our regimental
flag draped across my coffin.
And then... I hope
this isn't pretentious...
I'd like it drawn by a
team of white horses...
while the band plays the
grand march from Aida,
'cause that's my favorite opera.
I'd like it to go around and
round the cemetery three times.
What would you like?
I'd like to be there.
Oscar. Oscar get up!
Get up!
I've got news for you! Get up!
I've got good news
and I've got bad news.
What time is it?
8:00 of a bright sunny morning!
What's the good news?
Get up! Get your clothes on.
There's someone
here to see you. Who?
Get up and see for
yourself. An old friend.
Someone very
near and dear to you!
My bookie is here so early?
No, but it begins with "B."
So does bug off, Felix. I'm
not getting up for anybody!
Not even for Blanche?
Not even for Blanche...
Blanche is here?!
My ex-wife Blanche
from California?!
Yes! Blanche is here?
Yes! She came from
California... she's here!
Tell her I'm not home! Oh,
come on. What's the matter?
She has something to tell you.
I know what she's
gonna tell me, Felix.
I'm three months
behind in my alimony.
Is-is-is... is her
lawyer with her?
No, no. A tall skinny
guy with a smile?
No, no. She got any papers...
State of New York... A
subpoena and everything.
Why did you let her in?
The one person in the world
I never want to see is Blanche.
My God I don't want to...
Hi, Blanche nice to see you.
Hi, Oscar.
Ah, same old
Oscar, neat as a pin.
Wow...
it's like a stroll
down memory sewer.
Same old Blanche,
still zinging them, huh?
FELIX: Well, I'll
leave you two alone.
OSCAR/BLANCHE: No! Wait!
He was so excited.
I didn't tell him
the great news!
What great news? Tell him.
I'm getting married again.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
You little goblin.
You're getting
married this afternoon.
I can't... I don't
know what to say.
Ah, come on, say
what's in your heart.
No more alimony.
Aw, no, honey, I'm
happy for you, too.
I really am, Blanche.
I'm not really prepared
for a celebration.
All I've got is some German
chocolate cake and Muscatel.
Perfect if you're a Nazi wino.
Wouldn't you rather
have some beer?
Beer. No.
Who ever heard of
Beer for a celebration?
How about coffee?
Coffee for breakfast,
now why didn't we think of that?
Sit, come on, sit, Blanche.
Oh, thanks.
Well, tell us about
your intended.
Ah, how long have you known him?
Who, Roger? About
three weeks. Yeah.
Three weeks? Yeah.
Twenty one days.
Are you sure you're doing
the right thing, Blanche?
Of course she's sure!
It's a whirlwind romance, for...
The guy sees what he
wants and he takes it.
I like his style.
So, uh, tell us where, uh,
where did he pop the question?
At the Whispering Pines.
Hey, that sounds romantic!
Romantic? It's a motel
outside of Dayton.
Blanche!
Oh, darling!
We were having coffee
in the coffee shop.
Forgive me. I
thought... Oh, no. No.
I thought so, too...
but we ended up
in the coffee shop.
Well, uh, what,
what first attracted you to him?
He asked me out.
Good looking?
No, but I've never
been attracted
to good looking men.
Well, I hope he has
a sense of humor.
He's very nice.
So, now let's get
down to basics.
How tall is he?
Five feet four inches.
Only five... Napoleon
was only five-four.
As long as he's tall enough
to reach her wedding finger
that's all that counts.
Use your napkin.
You're wonderful!
I never got him any
further than his sleeves.
I don't get a real
picture of him, Blanche.
What-what, what are his hobbies,
what are his interests?
Well, his big passion
is steam baths.
FELIX: Mm-hmm.
See...
Is that something the
two of you can share,
Blanche?
Well, maybe they'll
take a trip to Japan!
BOTH: Get your
feet off the chair!
Look at this...
nagging in stereo!
Wipe your lip.
So when's the wedding?
At 3:00, this afternoon.
3:00. Mm-hmm.
And I got to go. Aw...
Oh, listen, I want to look good
and lately it's an all day job.
You look great!
You sure look good!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I want to tell you, the more
I hear about this Roger,
the more I like him. Right.
I mean, I seems like an
individualist, Mm-hmm.
He doesn't follow the...
You've got to be very strong
to take all those baths!
(chuckling)
I really came to ask
you to the wedding.
I'd like you to be there.
Are you kidding? Of
course we'll be there!
You need a bridesmaid?
I'll be a bridesmaid!
Felix... Me? Oh.
On condition that you let
me bake the wedding cake.
I'd love it.
3:00 at The Wee Kirk of Yonkers.
The Wee Kirk of Yonkers?
Don't blame me,
his side picked it.
Bye! Bye.
I wish you only
the best, Blanche.
BLANCHE: Thank you, Felix!
Lord knows, you
didn't get it the first time.
(singing): ♪ Here
comes the bride ♪
♪ She's going to let
me keep my bread. ♪
(humming)
Oh, Felix, isn't it wonderful
the way everything worked out?
Isn't this marvelous?
She's going to get married!
You're shaking your
head the wrong way.
Your head should
be going this way.
It's a lovely day.
That a boy fella.
Oscar. What?
May I say something? No.
Nothing.
Nevertheless,
I don't think it's going
to work out. What?
What don't you think is going to
work out? What? What? What?
You heard the way
she spoke about him.
Is that the way a woman
talks about the man
she's going to marry?
What do you got against Roger,
steam baths?
They have soap,
towels, washcloths.
Everything you put
on your Christmas list!
You should love him.
Oscar, the way
she described him.
She said he was
nice. Yeah. Nice.
That's it... nice.
Well, nice is nice!
Not once was the
word "love" mentioned.
I lived with her 12 years,
not once was the
word "love" mentioned!
Maybe you were never listening!
Oh, now stop it.
What are you looking for?
That black... Black?
Yeah. Black what? What?
Black olive?
(thump) No.
What?
Here it is. I got it. What?
It's a black sock
to match this one
for the wedding.
Don't you care if
Blanche is happy?
Of course I care.
Don't you care if I'm happy?
Not as much I, as I care
as if Blanche is happy!
Alright, Felix, okay, she
didn't say she loves him.
I'll say it for her.
She loves him.
I could see it in her eyes.
The guy's nice, he's a,
he's financially secure.
I love him! Then you marry him!
I'm telling you she's happy.
I know Blanche!
I know the mad Blanche,
the happy Blanche,
the crazy Blanche,
the sad Blanche.
I know her like a book.
What color are her eyes?
Go bake your wedding cake.
Gee!
Awfully big for a
wee kirk, isn't it?
It's good.
Gives them a lot of
room to kirk around in.
What have you got
there, a present?
No, it's the divorce decree.
Just in case she forgot hers,
I'm not taking any chances.
Five-four.
Looks clean, right?
Hello, sir, I want
to congratulate you.
You're getting yourself
quite a woman there!
Oh, ah, I'm Oscar Madison,
Blanche's first husband.
Oh, glad to meet you.
I'm Charles Parsley,
the best man.
Ah! Mm.
Where's the happy bridegroom?
Well, I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
Well, he was supposed to
meet us here 20 minutes ago!
I'll try to reach him.
Yeah, do that, will you?
Here, you got a dime?
Hello, Felix.
Aw, there she is!
Oscar, look!
How radiant she is!
Yeah... congratulations.
I'm not married yet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thanks for wearing a tie.
Does it light up? Very funny.
Where's the bridegroom?
He isn't here yet? Yeah...
I hope nothing happened
to him, but don't worry.
I'm not worried. I
mean, we'll find him.
He won't get away,
I mean, we'll...
take care of it, so don't worry.
I'm not worried! Excuse me.
Is this the 3:00 party?
We're the party.
I'm Reverend Wright.
Ah.
Right Reverend Wright!
(giggles)
I have a message
from the bridegroom.
He's at a steam
bath at 41 and fifth.
Seems he stayed in a little
too long and nodded off.
That could take a
couple hours to get here!
I just hope he's here by 3:30.
We have a funeral at 4:00.
You mean I'm the
opening act for a funeral?
It pays the rent.
Where are you going?
I'm going to 41 and
fifth and find him!
How'll you know him? I'll
look for a short wrinkled man!
Calm down, sweetheart. (sobbing)
You're going to be a
wonderful maid of honor.
And please, sweetheart,
you're supposed to
cry after the wedding!
Am I intruding?
Oh, heavens, no, come on in.
Hello.
Oh, this is my...
maid of honor, Judy Milhaus.
How do you do? And
this is Felix Unger.
Hello, Judy. Hello.
Blanche, may I talk to you?
Judy, do you mind? Oh, no.
I'll be outside. Yes, dear,
you go and tie
the cans to the car
and give out the
rice, all those things.
Oh, boy, she's never going
to make it through! Hmm.
Judy a relative?
Not really.
Old friend?
Yeah, since yesterday
when she sold me this dress.
A salesclerk?
You've got a salesclerk for
your bridesmaid, Blanche?
Oscar would have
been a better choice.
Well, it was either her or
the stewardess on the plane.
I don't know anybody
in New York any more.
Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.
Felix, what's the matter?
(sniffling)
Where are you going
on your honeymoon?
Anyplace except
where Oscar took me.
Where was that?
To a hockey game
between the Rangers
and the Redwings,
where I got hit with a puck!
May I ask you
something, Blanche?
Yes, dear, go right ahead.
You love Roger?
I like him.
He's very nice.
He's tender.
Well, he should be after
all those steam baths.
Felix... I had love
once, with Oscar.
I'm satisfied.
I like being married.
The best thing
about being married
to Oscar was being married!
You're an attractive
girl, Blanche.
You must have many,
many opportunities.
Three in the last five years.
One was a militant hairdresser.
One was an obscene phone caller,
except he turned out
to be a little too tall.
And one was a
note tied to a rock.
Now this is it.
I'm going to marry Roger.
I'll see if Oscar's back.
I may be a hopeless romantic,
but to me love is not having a
total stranger as a bridesmaid.
Or a husband.
Here's the groom!
Felix, I want you to
meet a terrific little guy!
How do you do?
Hey, Felix Unger, Mister Doctor.
You're a doctor!
No, that's my name.
Roger Doctor.
Actually,
I'm in milk. Milk!
He's being modest.
A string of dairies
upstate, you know,
cows and price parities and
supports... Oh, my, goodness,
isn't that impressive!
Hello, Roger!
Hello, dear.
Sorry I fouled things up.
All is forgiven!
I'll forgive him,
if you don't mind.
Sorry.
I forgive you, darling.
Well, if everybody's present,
we really should get
on with the ceremony.
If I can have the bride
and groom right over here.
Look at this!
I almost walked
the last mile again.
Sorry, you just looked so happy.
Maid of honor here.
Best man to that side.
(clears throat)
Are you in milk, too?
No, I'm in yogurt.
I take whatever
goes sour on Roger.
Now, then... if
everybody's ready,
I'll start your souvenir
recording of the ceremony,
which we give you
at no extra cost.
Testing, one, two, three.
And... hit it, Kim.
(organ plays)
My dear friends,
we have gathered here today
at The Wee Kirk
of Yonkers Chapel,
just one mile south
of Yonkers raceway,
to join these two
in holy matrimony.
But before I pronounce
the final vows
by the authority vested in me
by the State of New York,
let me ask if there
is anyone present
who knows of any reason
why this couple should
not be joined in marriage.
Let him speak now, or
forever hold his peace.
I object.
MINISTER (on record): couple
should not be joined in marriage,
let him speak now, or
forever hold his peace.
FELIX (on record): I object.
I object. I object.
Hello.
I stayed for the funeral.
Did you stand up in
the middle and say,
"I object. This
man is not dead"?
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad.
I'm just sitting here listening
to the number one
record on my hit parade.
Listen, you're going to love it.
FELIX (on record):
I object. I object.
I object.
You like it?
The melody isn't much,
but the words are catchy.
My crazy sense of humor.
Don't be angry. I'm
not objecting forever.
I just want to
give them a couple
of days to think it over.
How do you interfere
with two adults
who want to get married?
It's none of your
business. It is.
I like Blanche, and I acted
out of friendship for her.
Oh, that's what you
do with your friends?
Wonderful. I'm glad I'm not
one of your friends anymore.
It never would have worked out.
Oh, tell me about it,
Mr. expert on marriage who's
divorced and living with a slob.
Blanche doesn't love Roger.
Oh, again with the love.
Yes, again with love!
All right, tell me, what
is love, Dear Abby?
What is love? What is love?
Love is, love is,
love is two people
running hand in hand through
the fields with the music playing,
and they're running and they're
running and they're running...
That's not love, that's a
toilet paper commercial.
So coarse. Aah...
Love is that feeling
between two people and two...
Well, it doesn't have
to be two people.
It can be a man and his dog.
It can be a child
and a teddy bear.
It can be squirrels, bunnies...
I don't want to hear about
squirrels and bunnies.
Tell me about Blanche
and the milkman.
I-I... I can't tell you
Yeah, sure. exactly
what love is just now.
All right, well, I can
tell you what it isn't.
Love isn't, "He's so nice."
Love isn't spending the
rest of your life with someone
whose main passion is sitting in
a towel somewhere and sweating.
Don't tell me what it isn't.
Tell me what it is.
Well, now that, now
that I know what it isn't,
now I can tell you what it is.
Love is... that intense, vital,
passionate feeling one
person has for another.
That's it. Basically.
I have those feelings for you,
but I'm pretty sure it's hate.
You're upset, understandably,
because there are a
few dollars involved.
But you cannot deny to
Blanche her right to romance.
Romance. Marriage
isn't enough for you?
That's right.
Romance... that, that
feeling that you'd rather die
than to be apart
from the one you love,
that, that wonderful
feeling of pain in your heart
when the one
you love isn't there,
that ache when you're
waiting for the phone to ring.
That's romance.
That isn't ro... that's
romance if you're 16 years old.
Then I am forever 16 years old.
So is that fish.
What didn't you like?
The fish?
The salad?
The wine?
The cook.
What are you doing?
I'm watching TV.
Without sound?
I don't want any sound.
Somebody's liable
to say, "I object."
What's on?
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
That's a wonderful movie.
(door buzzer sounds) You
bet it's a wonderful movie.
Seven ceremonies
nobody's objected to.
Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.
Oh, Felix, it's all right.
It's your way.
You're just a fun person.
Hi, Blanche.
Hi, Oscar.
Cheer up.
Roger and I have reserved
the chapel for tomorrow noon.
Ah! You have?
That's wonderful!
But first we're gonna have
dinner tonight to talk it over.
You see? That is a
sensible, mature decision.
Felix, go to your room!
I'm not a child.
I know you're not a child.
A child puts a smile
on everybody's face.
Now, go!
I want to stay in here.
She's my ex-wife.
I want to talk to her privately.
Please, Felix. All right.
Congratulations, Blanche, I
hope everything works out fine.
Thanks.
I'll be in my room
if you need me.
Nobody needs you.
What am I gonna
do in my room alone?
Is that sound on?
No.
Good, I thought
I was going deaf.
Sit down, Blanche.
You want a drink or something?
No, no, I can't stay long.
Well, what is it?
I mean, is it on or is it off?
Well, we'll see.
We're gonna talk about it.
It's all his fault.
It's not his fault.
He just wanted to make sure
that it was a marriage
made in heaven, like ours.
Like ours?
It's a joke, Oscar.
Thousands of people in this
state use Madison vs. Madison
as a precedent
for their divorce.
Well, we had fun
in the beginning.
You kidding?
We had a great year or two.
Two out of 12 ain't bad.
I figured the only reason
you married me anyway
was because you had a bet
on with your cronies eight to five
and you couldn't
resist the odds.
So I picked up a
few hundred dollars.
Aw! (laughing)
I was gonna marry you anyway.
Blanche, can I
ask you something?
Sure.
Why did you let Felix get away
with pulling that stunt today?
I don't know.
It just happened.
Well, maybe you don't
want to get married again.
Maybe you figure it's
easier to ride the gravy train
for a couple of more years.
What gravy train?
The Oscar Madison alimony train.
The Oscar Madison alimony train?
You mean the one that
stops at every crap game?
Oh, that's a great train, Oscar.
You never realized what
a wonderful feeling it is
knowing that your alimony
is somewhere out there
riding on a hard eight!
Now, why don't you get off my
back and marry the milkman?!
I got news for you!
At this moment, I'd marry the
guy who hit me with the puck!
Yeah?
Well, I'll believe
that when I see it!
Well, show up at noon
tomorrow and you'll see!
Well, I got news
for you, a real flash.
I'll be there in the flesh!
Have a little class, sweetheart!
Wear a suit!
Oscar...
are you going to let
her go through with this?
To Roger and Blanche.
I think Shelley said it best:
"I could lie down
like a tired child
and weep away the life of care."
I think Baby Face
Nelson said it better.
What did he say?
"You make one wrong
move, I'm gonna kill you."
Well, gang, shall we
have another go at it?
I think so.
I know so.
MINISTER: Mr. Unger,
I take it this time
you'll be able to
control yourself.
My lips are sealed.
My heart is another story.
Well, then, shall we proceed?
Kim, if you please.
(organ playing)
My dear friends,
we are gathered again today
to have another crack at uniting
in holy matrimony
Blanche Jefferson Madison
and Roger J. Doctor.
Before I pronounce
the final vows,
let me ask if there is anyone
present who knows of any reason
why this couple should
not be joined in wedlock.
Let him speak now or
forever hold his peace.
Good.
If I may have the ring, please.
I object.
Roger, look at it this way.
I know it hurts.
It was never meant to be.
Felix, I'm telling you,
I'm not that shocked.
Life is unpredictable.
One day it's butter, the
next day it's margarine.
Right. Exactly.
In fact, when you
come right down to it,
I wish my first wife had had
friends like you and Oscar.
I would have saved
half of my Holsteins.
(chuckles)
That's the spirit.
No use crying over spilt milk.
(laughing)
I like you, boy.
Let's have a steam
together sometime.
Now, you go, and
you just untie the cans,
and you can take
the rice home, dear.
Oh, boy.
And now, you.
I'm sorry, dear.
The words just came
out, I don't know.
Oh, boy, am I glad they did.
I didn't have the guts for it.
What?
You know last night
when we had that fight?
Yeah.
It brought back
a lot of memories.
And a lot of them were bad,
but some of them were good.
I didn't like the hostility,
but I liked the openness.
I need that in a relationship.
Me, too.
It's nothing to
base a marriage on.
But when we fight, we're
a couple of heavyweights.
I'm a pretty tough
lady, as you know.
You're pretty, but you're
not so tough, you're really not.
And you're gonna make
somebody a great wife,
but don't underrate yourself.
You got to take the
time to find the right guy.
I found him, but Elizabeth
Taylor won't let him go.
Always with the jokes.
You're a nice guy, Oscar.
I got to go.
Roger's gonna drive
me to the airport.
Maybe I can hijack the pilot.
Listen, would you do me a favor?
Anything, anything. What?
You know those
little alimony checks?
I'd like to have
them all by the 15th.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Good-bye, Felix.
Blanche, Blanche, mm.
Have a safe trip.
Thank you, dear.
Aren't you coming?
I thought I'd wait
for the 2:15 funeral.
Maybe it'll cheer me up.
Funny day, wasn't it?
Hmm.
Sad wedding and a happy funeral.
It was a nice funeral,
though, wasn't it?
Not the way I'd
like mine, though.
You know what I would like?
I would like our regimental
flag draped across my coffin.
And then... I hope
this isn't pretentious...
I'd like it drawn by a
team of white horses...
while the band plays the
grand march from Aida,
'cause that's my favorite opera.
I'd like it to go around and
round the cemetery three times.
What would you like?
I'd like to be there.