The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 10 - Win One for Felix - full transcript
Felix is way out of his element when he, feeling he is growing apart from his son, becomes the coach of his football team.
(sighs slowly, heavily)
(doorbell buzzes)
Come in.
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hello, Gloria.
What's the matter?
You seem depressed.
(chuckles)
You've always been
able to read my moods
better than anybody, Gloria.
Where's Leonard?
My son is in my roommate's room.
I hope he's had all his shots.
What's he doing in there?
Talking football, what else?
Well, did the two of you
have a nice afternoon?
We had a nice hour.
We played a game
of chess, which I won,
and I showed him
my new $900 camera,
which he took a fancy to.
Then Oscar came home,
and I spent the rest of the
afternoon taking pictures
of the two of them
having a wonderful
time talking football.
Well, Oscar is his coach.
Yes. I'm only his father.
You're my ex-wife.
He'll soon be my ex-son.
LEONARD: That's slick.
OSCAR: They'll never know
what hit them if you do it right.
We did it many years ago.
It's so old it's new.
See, the kid stands there
and he's holding his helmet.
Now, you fake a pass to him,
but you hand it
off to another guy,
and they'll tackle the kid
with the helmet all the time.
Can we work on it
tomorrow afternoon?
Sure. GLORIA: Uh, Leonard...
Okay, so long, Coach.
Oh, Mom, you're here.
Yes, we're here.
Mom and Dad.
Well, we have to be going.
Leonard.
Okay, so long, Dad.
Thanks for the nice
day. My pleasure.
Your pictures will be
ready next week. Right.
See you next week, Dad.
And I'll see you
tomorrow, Coach.
Okay.
So long, Gloria. Bye-bye.
That's a great kid, Felix.
You ought to be
very proud of him.
Hmm.
He sure loves
football, doesn't he?
Hmm.
I think he's got a great season
ahead of him. Hmm.
That's three "hmms," Felix.
Either you're mad,
or you've got lockjaw.
What is it?
You're mad because we
went into my room and talked?
No, not at all.
Are you being honest?
No, I'm not.
Oscar, you're stealing
my son away from me.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
You really believe that?
Oh, forget it.
Forget "Oscar, you're
stealing my son from me"?
How can I?
All I'm doing is
coaching Leonard's team.
By default. They asked me first.
Then why didn't you do it?
Why? Why didn't I do it?
Yeah, why didn't you do it?
The, the reason I-I didn't...
Is?
Well, the, the
real reason that I...
Because you stammer? No!
The reason is... What?
I'm afraid!
Now we're back to why.
Don't you have
any understanding?
I want to do it, but I can't.
Like I said, why?
I'm afraid of looking like
a fool in front of my son.
I don't know enough
about football.
Well, if you can't
coach, don't coach.
Must everything
be explained to you?
I want to do things with my son.
I want to be in a
position of authority.
I want to... I want
to look good to him.
How about groundskeeper?
You'll look great.
You enjoy seeing me die
inside, don't you, Oscar?
Why? I'm sorry...
Why, Oscar? I'm sorry.
Tell me, where is
the law that says
that the only way fathers
and sons can get together
is by playing football?
What did father and sons do
before football was invented?
Chariot races.
More cruelty.
I've been a good
father to Leonard.
I've... shared things with
him. Of course you have,
but a lot of kids don't care
how you run a vacuum cleaner.
Oh... that's not the only thing.
I've taken him places...
Yeah, sure, the Grand
National Bakeoff in Cincinnati.
Felix, if you want to
get close to your kid,
you got to do things
together that he likes.
Like what? Well, fishing.
Uh... Worms, I know.
If I mention model airplanes,
you say the glue
gives you a headache.
You want to get
close to your son?
Yes. Take up wrestling.
With my back? There we go.
Be serious, Oscar.
I'm losing my son.
Don't sit there.
I want him to look
up to me as his father.
I want him to come up to me
and punch me in the
stomach and say, "Hi, Coach."
You want me to help you? Yes.
All right, I'll help you. How?
I'll teach you how to coach.
Hurry up, will you, Felix.
I want to take Nancy
to the movies tonight.
Was Leonard happy when he
learned I was going to coach?
Yeah.
You don't sound very convincing.
Yeah, he was happy.
I mean, what's more important:
winning or fatherhood?
Besides, you're
going to be great.
Couple of sessions with
me, you'll be a real monster
on the gridiron.
Okay, I'm ready.
What's the matter?
You're going to sell ice cream?
Just a casual sports outfit.
I thought it would
be appropriate.
On a yacht, it would
be appropriate.
You told me to put on
something I could move around in.
Yeah, but you can't wear that
when you're coaching the kids.
Well, what should I wear?
Put on a sweat suit. I
don't have a sweat suit.
I'll let you wear my
sweat suit. I'd die first!
Okay, okay here's the thing.
Now, when you're coaching kids,
you got to stress the
fundamentals: Yeah.
Blocking, passing,
running and tackling. Yeah.
Right? Okay, now no
matter what Mm-hmm.
Anybody says, it
all boils down to that.
Teach the kids to do that right,
they'll win every
time, okay? Yeah.
First we'll go to
blocking, okay?
The correct
position for blocking.
Does that hurt your knuckles?
Come on, will you, Felix?
Concentrate, you'll
never learn. Okay.
Now come on, get down
like me, will ya? Come on.
What are we, the Rockettes?
Over there, Felix.
Will you, please, opposite me?
You're on one line, I'm on...
I don't want to
dance with you, Felix.
Please, step back, okay?
Now, we'll go on
the third hut. Hut?
Hut. Gee, I haven't heard
that since I was in the army.
Hut, hut, hit, ho! Yeah, right.
Right, it's just like the
army... it's acadence.
Okay, we'll do it. I wonder
who first thought of saying "hut"
instead of one. That's odd,
isn't it? Yeah, I'll tell you
what, after we practice,
we can stroll
down to the library,
do a little research on it.
I was just curious
about how the
expression "hut" started.
Well, maybe from a
quarterback who had the hiccups!
What's the
difference? It's here.
A snap of the ball
comes a hut, okay?
Yes. Yes. I got you, babe.
Babe?! Yeah.
That's the way the players talk
to each other. Babe, babe, babe.
All right.
Okay, now, I'm offense,
you're defense. Right.
You got to get past
me to tackle the runner.
Okay, now I'll take it
easy with you. Right. Yeah.
I won't hurt you, okay?
Okay, now we'll go. Right.
Hut! Hut.
I got by you, baby!
And so cutely.
Come on, will you,
Felix? Do it right.
Come on, you know
better than that. Let's go.
Okay, now we'll go
on the third hut. Yes.
Third hut. We're dancing again.
I'm sorry.
Here we go. Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Got by you again.
Again, I'm a fireplug.
Felix, you've got to
get by me with muscle!
Oh, why use muscle when
brains are so much more effective?
Felix, brains
without brute force
in football leave
a lot of cleat marks
on the back of your head.
Aren't all the professionals
college graduates?
Yeah, with degrees
in punishment.
Now, would you
forget all your theory?
All right, let's go to
running, all right? Yes.
Running. Running's important.
Where's the ball?
Here we go. Okay.
Running, now, let's see.
We'll make the door
the goal, right? Yes.
You got to get past me, get
to the door for the goal, okay?
Yes. Now, I'll give
you the ball. Later on...
(doorbell buzzes)
Touchdown! Hey!
Fun!
I think I missed
my true calling.
No, you didn't;
you're a tragic figure.
I'm going to the movies.
No, no, come on, come
on. Teach me some more.
This is for Leonard.
All right. Let's start
at the beginning.
Let's start with
centering, all right?
You'll snap the ball to
me. You'll be center. Down.
Yes. Okay, no. Get centered.
(squeals)
Come on, will you? I
want to go to the movie.
All right, yeah, here we go.
No. (squeals)
Don't do that!
Felix, all I want you to
do is when I say, "hut,"
Yes. snap the ball hard
to me in my stomach,
so I can hand it off...
I didn't say, "hut."
I went to the library tonight.
I got... I got some
books on football.
You ought to look these
over; these are really terrific.
Plays That Fooled the Pros,
Faking for Fun and Profit,
Football, the Game
of Deception. Yeah.
That's the great one.
Read the first paragraph.
"Football is sleight of hand
"to divert the attention
of the opposition,
"to prepare them
psychologically for one thing,
and deliver another."
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah, if you're
playing with magicians,
but you're playing
with kids, Felix.
Every time a kid
handles the ball,
you got a great
chance of fumbling.
Two kids handle the ball,
you got two great chances
of fumbling. No, no, no,
no, I don't believe that.
The best game we ever played
was when the kids had
bubblegum on their fingers.
I'm telling you,
you want to win tomorrow,
punt, and when the other kid
drops the ball, have
Leonard fall on it.
No, no, no, tha-that's
too pessimistic.
I believe the... I'm
giving you the facts of life.
You want tricky plays,
I know a lot of tricky.
I know a tricky play right here.
Okay, let's go.
As the quarterback
hands the ball here, Oscar!
Puts it under his shirt. How
can you write on your wall?!
That's very soft lead.
So, kids, I won't be able
to coach you anymore.
(kids groaning)
Now, wait a minute.
Now the good news!
Your new coach, Coach Unger!
Ah, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Coach Madison.
Well, men, as
Coach Madison said,
my name is Coach Unger.
Very well...
It's a real pleasure to
make your acquaintance,
and I say that in all sincerity.
You're a fine-looking
group of men.
Very good, very good. You
want to tuck in your shirt, son?
Now, men, I'm not
going to start out
under any false
pretenses to you.
I can't pretend that I'm a
great expert on football.
As a matter of fact, I
don't remember if I ever...
ever played the game at all.
But, uh, seriously, men.
I know that you men have been
playing together
and winning together.
And I feel that I'll probably
learn more from you
than you will from me.
Be that as it may...
KIDS: Yay, Coach Unger!
Thanks. Thanks very
much. Great group. Yeah.
Listen, I'm going to watch
the game from the bleachers.
Good luck, gang, good luck.
Let's hear it for Coach Madison!
Hip-hip. KIDS: Hooray!
Thanks, kids. Good luck!
There goes a great guy.
As a matter of fact,
men, I've been doing
a little bit of studying
over the weekend.
I've come up with
a... (drops bag)
couple of things I think
we can toy with, so, uh...
let's start off
with a clean slate.
Now, I've come
up with a formation
that I think will work.
This is called the disjointed U.
Disjointed U?
Sounds complicated,
but it's not.
One, two, three, four...
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.
Now, listen carefully.
Center hands off
to the quarterback,
who hands off to the fullback,
who crosses around to the end,
hands off to the end;
the end crosses around
to this side, and...
sends a forward pass
down to the flanker
who's down here, catches it,
laterals to the
opposing flanker,
and down the field he goes.
Got it?
What happened to
the hidden helmet play?
Oh, the hidden
helmet is child's play.
We're childs.
Hey, Dad, we're not going
to have enough time to learn
any new plays today, are
we? Yeah, yeah, I think we will.
As a matter of fact, I
had a few mimeographed.
Why don't you, uh...
Why don't you pass these
out to the players, son?
We've got a couple of
hours before the game.
Why don't you study
these on the bench, men?
And I've got you some
great energy food!
Brownies! Yay!
What do you say? Let's...
hit the field, men, okay?
(kids cheering) Hut, hut, hut.
I'll be with you as soon
as I wash the whistle.
(kids laughing and shouting)
(indistinct, excited chatter)
I'd like to disjoint his U!
Leonard...
Did you see it, Uncle Oscar?
Yeah, I saw, I saw.
It's our first game
of the season,
and our first loss
of the season.
Well, it's one of those things.
I wouldn't blame your coach.
Who would you blame?
It's those weird plays.
Yeah, I can't even pronounce
them, much less do them.
FELIX: Don't be
discouraged, men.
We haven't begun to fight!
They're a little bit ahead now,
but we're going to come back!
Felix. Please, Oscar, I don't
have many minutes in here.
Now we've made a few
mistakes, that's all right.
We know where they are,
we know we can correct them.
Felix, we... We're
learning our plays.
We're together,
that's the main thing.
Now, Chubby... Where's Chubby?
Over here!
Chubby, don't be disturbed
about that last play.
That was a typing error.
That's not your fault. Felix...
Now, men...
What? The game is over!
What?
The game is over.
No, it's only the
end of the first half.
No, it's the end
of the second half!
Well, then, the game is over.
Now you got it.
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, hi, Gloria. Come in. Hi.
Felix isn't here.
I know.
He's downtown buying
things for the team.
Yeah, he already
bought an album...
Great Coache" Pep Talks. Oh.
He's been listening to
Knute Rockne incessantly.
Oscar, I've got to
talk to you about Felix.
The kids hate him.
Oh, not as a person,
but as a coach.
They want to fire him.
You got to respect
them for that.
Mm. They had a meeting
at the house last night.
They voted 11 to
one to get rid of him.
Well, at least Leonard
stood up for him. That's nice.
No, it was Chubby.
He liked the brownies.
How are you gonna tell him?
I don't know. I...
You-You know
him better than I do.
How would you tell him?
I don't know.
I-I find I'm always better
when I'm straightforward
with Felix, you know.
Tell him he did a lousy job,
they lost the game, and
he's out... tell him the truth.
The one thing about Felix,
he'll always accept the truth.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly the
way you should tell him.
Bye.
MAN (on record): Wait till
you see the ball in the air.
And then go and get it!
And when we get it, boys,
that's when we go on offense.
That's when we go to 'em!
We're going inside 'em,
we're going outside 'em!
Inside 'em and outside 'em,
Look at this. I got
to fire Knute Rockne.
Listen! Listen to this!
Listen to this! Knute Rockne!
Something I got to tell you now.
You want to talk to me
about yesterday's game?
Yes, as a matter
of fact, that's what...
Yeah, you were right, I
was wrong. I know that now.
My... I was much too
technical with the guys.
It's the wrong approach! Yeah.
Right. Your coaching
is all wrong for the kids.
Yes... That's... I know it;
that's why I got this record!
This man!
He knew! He knew!
A coach must
inspire his players.
I've got to give those
kids inspiration, that's it.
No, Felix.
Those kids have enough
inspiration to begin with.
See, once they're
out of the house,
rolling around in the dirt,
stepping on each other,
that's what they like, you see.
No, no, no, Oscar, you're cute,
but that's not what the
Rock was talking about.
He was talking about
that extra something
that the greats
have inside them,
that they can pull out of
themselves when they need it,
when lesser men would give up.
Have you ever thought
of giving up, Felix? Hmm.
Yes, I must confess that
after yesterday's game,
I considered retiring.
Then why don't you?
Because I don't want my
son to think I'm a quitter.
And we're not gonna pass
unless our secondary
comes up too close.
But don't forget, men, we're
gonna get 'em on the run.
We're gonna go, go, go, go!
Oscar, did you want
to tell me something?
Oh, like the man
said, "Go, go, go."
But first we're coming back
with a fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight!
What do you say, men?
(men shouting)
Oh, you guys don't understand.
Mr. Unger is with
you all the way!
He's giving you his very best!
It's rotten, but
it's his very best.
Now, what are you gonna
do, just throw him out?
Uncle Oscar, look
on the blackboard.
What's that?
Plans for Apollo 16? No.
That's a triple reverse.
We practiced it yesterday.
And right here is where
we all ran into each other.
We just don't want Dad to coach.
I mean, I love him,
but I got to think of
the rest of the team.
Okay, listen, I'm gonna be
your coach during the game.
ALL: Yay, Coach Madison!
Quiet, will you?
Now, here's my plan, listen.
Every couple of minutes,
one of you guys from
the bench come in here.
I'll give you a new play.
See, and you bring that out.
Now, you forget anything
that Mr. Unger tells you, okay?
Can I tell Mr. Unger
he's through?
No, Chubby! He's not through.
Officially, he's
gonna be your coach.
That's the official rule, see?
But we won't tell him anything.
He mustn't know one
thing about this, all right?
Okay, now, you guys,
get ready, come on.
Let's go.
FELIX: Good luck to you
and your Trojans, Mr. Porter.
Okay, give me
your attention, men.
We're gonna have
a little pep talk.
Now, men, today is the
day we're going to win.
I know it, and you know it,
and you know why we know it?
Because we're going
to go, go, go, go, go!
We're going to fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
And if they throw
a forward pass,
wait till you see
the ball in the air,
then go and get it!
And if you get it, then
we go on the offense,
and don't forget, we've
got to pick on that one tackle
they've got that's weak.
We're going to go inside,
we're going to go outside!
We're going to go
inside, and go outside!
We're gonna get 'em on the
run, and if we get 'em on the run,
we're going to
keep 'em on the run!
And we're gonna
go, go, go, go, go
till we get to that goal line!
They can't lick us!
We're going to fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
We're gonna win!
What do you say, men?
Good!
Let's go!
(kids cheering)
They love me.
Go, baby, go, run! Good!
(kids shouting)
Go! (whistle blows)
It's fourth down, Uncle Oscar.
What do we do, punt?
No, don't punt! We want
to keep hold of the ball...
Fake a punt, and
hand it to Cramer.
But don't let go till he pulls
it away from you. Okay.
Okay.
(kids shouting excitedly)
Go, Cramer, go!
Run, baby, run!
(kids cheering)
(whistle blows) Good!
It worked, Mr. Madison.
We got our first down.
What do we do now?
Now, their right end
is dropping back.
Untie your shoelaces.
And blow your nose!
That a boy!
That a boy, Chubby!
Keep going, baby,
you're doing beautifully!
We're on the 20, Uncle Oscar!
Dad hasn't noticed a thing.
Yeah, I know. I saw him
giving his Knute Rockne
speech to the other coach.
What do we do? Pass?
No. Come here, listen.
I want all you guys to get
in front of Cramer, see?
And take him
right up to the end.
And on your way back, bring
me a couple of brownies. Okay.
That's it, Chubby.
That's it, Chubby!
Keep running!
Oh, you should have
tied your shoelace first.
Good, fall on him!
Fall on him, Chubby.
You'll flatten him.
Go ahead, baby! Go ahead!
Just put the brownies
on the bench.
(whistle blows)
Hey, did Mr. Unger notice
that we weren't
using any of his plays?
Yes.
Hi, babe.
You look angry, Felix.
Through these, you look
very large and very angry.
Now you look very
small and very angry.
(whistle blows) These
are called opera glasses.
You know, you should buy a pair.
Then when you see
Pagliacci, you'll really enjoy...
What are you picking on me for?
So you caught me.
What's the big deal?
Eat your brownies.
I lost my appetite.
Not for treachery, you haven't.
(cheering)
(whistle blows)
Made the first down.
Congratulations, Coach.
(children cheering outside)
I can explain, Felix.
Yeah, so can I.
You just can't
help humiliating me
in front of my son.
We're going outside 'em,
inside them and outside 'em,
and when we get
'em on the run once,
we're gonna keep 'em on the run.
And we're not gonna pass
unless our secondary
comes up too close.
And don't forget, men,
we're gonna get 'em
on the run, we're
gonna... Hi, Felix.
You got a headache?
Hey, why did you
run out like that?
Everybody wondered
what happened to you.
Hey, we won.
They tried the shoelace trick,
and we intercepted the
shoe and made a touchdown.
(doorbell buzzes)
I'll get it.
Oh, hi, Leonard.
Come on in.
Dad, can I talk to you?
I'll get lost.
Sure, you can talk to me.
Huh. What's on your mind?
No, I know.
Your mother called me.
Everybody's trying
to spare my feelings.
I just ought to
face the fact that...
I'm a failure as a father.
You're not.
You're a great father.
Football's not
your bag, that's all.
But football isn't
the only thing.
You've taught me lots of things.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, you've taught me
all about photography,
and you've taught
me to love music.
You've taught me
1,000 ways to use raisins.
You're being very kind, Leonard.
I just taught you those
things 'cause I like 'em.
I wasn't thinking about you.
The same with the football game.
I gave you a lot of
complicated plays
'cause I liked it.
I wasn't thinking
about the kids at all.
Well, gee, Dad, we had
another vote after the game.
You did?
They still want me to be coach?
No, we want you
to be team dietician.
And we voted you
the game ball, Dad.
Aw, gee.
Thanks.
(chuckles)
Tell all the guys thanks for me.
Yeah. Well, I got to go.
Mom's waiting.
Bye, Pop. Bye, son.
(door closes)
OSCAR: Hey, what
is that, the game ball?
That's terrif...
Look at what I'm doing.
I heard the whole conversation.
I'm not only treacherous,
I'm nosy, so hit me.
You're a lucky guy, Felix.
And if I ever do steal
a son, it'll be yours.
Well, let me know
when you're speaking
to me again, will you?
Oscar?
What?
You're right.
I am lucky.
Hey, Coach, catch!
And go, go, go, go!
And we're under attack, and
they're in on that goal line...
What's for breakfast, Felix?
FELIX: Oh, melon!
We've got cantaloupe
this morning that's beautiful.
It's beautiful!
Marvelous! I'd love some.
My throat is so dry.
Bring it to me, will
you? Look at this.
Hey, Oscar. Statue of Liberty.
Oh!
What's the matter? Oh!
What's the matter?
Bursitis! My arm.
You can't move it? No!
You sure? Yeah, I can't!
Oh, oh. You can't
move it at all?
No, I can't! Okay.
(doorbell buzzes)
Come in.
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hello, Gloria.
What's the matter?
You seem depressed.
(chuckles)
You've always been
able to read my moods
better than anybody, Gloria.
Where's Leonard?
My son is in my roommate's room.
I hope he's had all his shots.
What's he doing in there?
Talking football, what else?
Well, did the two of you
have a nice afternoon?
We had a nice hour.
We played a game
of chess, which I won,
and I showed him
my new $900 camera,
which he took a fancy to.
Then Oscar came home,
and I spent the rest of the
afternoon taking pictures
of the two of them
having a wonderful
time talking football.
Well, Oscar is his coach.
Yes. I'm only his father.
You're my ex-wife.
He'll soon be my ex-son.
LEONARD: That's slick.
OSCAR: They'll never know
what hit them if you do it right.
We did it many years ago.
It's so old it's new.
See, the kid stands there
and he's holding his helmet.
Now, you fake a pass to him,
but you hand it
off to another guy,
and they'll tackle the kid
with the helmet all the time.
Can we work on it
tomorrow afternoon?
Sure. GLORIA: Uh, Leonard...
Okay, so long, Coach.
Oh, Mom, you're here.
Yes, we're here.
Mom and Dad.
Well, we have to be going.
Leonard.
Okay, so long, Dad.
Thanks for the nice
day. My pleasure.
Your pictures will be
ready next week. Right.
See you next week, Dad.
And I'll see you
tomorrow, Coach.
Okay.
So long, Gloria. Bye-bye.
That's a great kid, Felix.
You ought to be
very proud of him.
Hmm.
He sure loves
football, doesn't he?
Hmm.
I think he's got a great season
ahead of him. Hmm.
That's three "hmms," Felix.
Either you're mad,
or you've got lockjaw.
What is it?
You're mad because we
went into my room and talked?
No, not at all.
Are you being honest?
No, I'm not.
Oscar, you're stealing
my son away from me.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
You really believe that?
Oh, forget it.
Forget "Oscar, you're
stealing my son from me"?
How can I?
All I'm doing is
coaching Leonard's team.
By default. They asked me first.
Then why didn't you do it?
Why? Why didn't I do it?
Yeah, why didn't you do it?
The, the reason I-I didn't...
Is?
Well, the, the
real reason that I...
Because you stammer? No!
The reason is... What?
I'm afraid!
Now we're back to why.
Don't you have
any understanding?
I want to do it, but I can't.
Like I said, why?
I'm afraid of looking like
a fool in front of my son.
I don't know enough
about football.
Well, if you can't
coach, don't coach.
Must everything
be explained to you?
I want to do things with my son.
I want to be in a
position of authority.
I want to... I want
to look good to him.
How about groundskeeper?
You'll look great.
You enjoy seeing me die
inside, don't you, Oscar?
Why? I'm sorry...
Why, Oscar? I'm sorry.
Tell me, where is
the law that says
that the only way fathers
and sons can get together
is by playing football?
What did father and sons do
before football was invented?
Chariot races.
More cruelty.
I've been a good
father to Leonard.
I've... shared things with
him. Of course you have,
but a lot of kids don't care
how you run a vacuum cleaner.
Oh... that's not the only thing.
I've taken him places...
Yeah, sure, the Grand
National Bakeoff in Cincinnati.
Felix, if you want to
get close to your kid,
you got to do things
together that he likes.
Like what? Well, fishing.
Uh... Worms, I know.
If I mention model airplanes,
you say the glue
gives you a headache.
You want to get
close to your son?
Yes. Take up wrestling.
With my back? There we go.
Be serious, Oscar.
I'm losing my son.
Don't sit there.
I want him to look
up to me as his father.
I want him to come up to me
and punch me in the
stomach and say, "Hi, Coach."
You want me to help you? Yes.
All right, I'll help you. How?
I'll teach you how to coach.
Hurry up, will you, Felix.
I want to take Nancy
to the movies tonight.
Was Leonard happy when he
learned I was going to coach?
Yeah.
You don't sound very convincing.
Yeah, he was happy.
I mean, what's more important:
winning or fatherhood?
Besides, you're
going to be great.
Couple of sessions with
me, you'll be a real monster
on the gridiron.
Okay, I'm ready.
What's the matter?
You're going to sell ice cream?
Just a casual sports outfit.
I thought it would
be appropriate.
On a yacht, it would
be appropriate.
You told me to put on
something I could move around in.
Yeah, but you can't wear that
when you're coaching the kids.
Well, what should I wear?
Put on a sweat suit. I
don't have a sweat suit.
I'll let you wear my
sweat suit. I'd die first!
Okay, okay here's the thing.
Now, when you're coaching kids,
you got to stress the
fundamentals: Yeah.
Blocking, passing,
running and tackling. Yeah.
Right? Okay, now no
matter what Mm-hmm.
Anybody says, it
all boils down to that.
Teach the kids to do that right,
they'll win every
time, okay? Yeah.
First we'll go to
blocking, okay?
The correct
position for blocking.
Does that hurt your knuckles?
Come on, will you, Felix?
Concentrate, you'll
never learn. Okay.
Now come on, get down
like me, will ya? Come on.
What are we, the Rockettes?
Over there, Felix.
Will you, please, opposite me?
You're on one line, I'm on...
I don't want to
dance with you, Felix.
Please, step back, okay?
Now, we'll go on
the third hut. Hut?
Hut. Gee, I haven't heard
that since I was in the army.
Hut, hut, hit, ho! Yeah, right.
Right, it's just like the
army... it's acadence.
Okay, we'll do it. I wonder
who first thought of saying "hut"
instead of one. That's odd,
isn't it? Yeah, I'll tell you
what, after we practice,
we can stroll
down to the library,
do a little research on it.
I was just curious
about how the
expression "hut" started.
Well, maybe from a
quarterback who had the hiccups!
What's the
difference? It's here.
A snap of the ball
comes a hut, okay?
Yes. Yes. I got you, babe.
Babe?! Yeah.
That's the way the players talk
to each other. Babe, babe, babe.
All right.
Okay, now, I'm offense,
you're defense. Right.
You got to get past
me to tackle the runner.
Okay, now I'll take it
easy with you. Right. Yeah.
I won't hurt you, okay?
Okay, now we'll go. Right.
Hut! Hut.
I got by you, baby!
And so cutely.
Come on, will you,
Felix? Do it right.
Come on, you know
better than that. Let's go.
Okay, now we'll go
on the third hut. Yes.
Third hut. We're dancing again.
I'm sorry.
Here we go. Hut!
Hut! Hut!
Got by you again.
Again, I'm a fireplug.
Felix, you've got to
get by me with muscle!
Oh, why use muscle when
brains are so much more effective?
Felix, brains
without brute force
in football leave
a lot of cleat marks
on the back of your head.
Aren't all the professionals
college graduates?
Yeah, with degrees
in punishment.
Now, would you
forget all your theory?
All right, let's go to
running, all right? Yes.
Running. Running's important.
Where's the ball?
Here we go. Okay.
Running, now, let's see.
We'll make the door
the goal, right? Yes.
You got to get past me, get
to the door for the goal, okay?
Yes. Now, I'll give
you the ball. Later on...
(doorbell buzzes)
Touchdown! Hey!
Fun!
I think I missed
my true calling.
No, you didn't;
you're a tragic figure.
I'm going to the movies.
No, no, come on, come
on. Teach me some more.
This is for Leonard.
All right. Let's start
at the beginning.
Let's start with
centering, all right?
You'll snap the ball to
me. You'll be center. Down.
Yes. Okay, no. Get centered.
(squeals)
Come on, will you? I
want to go to the movie.
All right, yeah, here we go.
No. (squeals)
Don't do that!
Felix, all I want you to
do is when I say, "hut,"
Yes. snap the ball hard
to me in my stomach,
so I can hand it off...
I didn't say, "hut."
I went to the library tonight.
I got... I got some
books on football.
You ought to look these
over; these are really terrific.
Plays That Fooled the Pros,
Faking for Fun and Profit,
Football, the Game
of Deception. Yeah.
That's the great one.
Read the first paragraph.
"Football is sleight of hand
"to divert the attention
of the opposition,
"to prepare them
psychologically for one thing,
and deliver another."
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah, if you're
playing with magicians,
but you're playing
with kids, Felix.
Every time a kid
handles the ball,
you got a great
chance of fumbling.
Two kids handle the ball,
you got two great chances
of fumbling. No, no, no,
no, I don't believe that.
The best game we ever played
was when the kids had
bubblegum on their fingers.
I'm telling you,
you want to win tomorrow,
punt, and when the other kid
drops the ball, have
Leonard fall on it.
No, no, no, tha-that's
too pessimistic.
I believe the... I'm
giving you the facts of life.
You want tricky plays,
I know a lot of tricky.
I know a tricky play right here.
Okay, let's go.
As the quarterback
hands the ball here, Oscar!
Puts it under his shirt. How
can you write on your wall?!
That's very soft lead.
So, kids, I won't be able
to coach you anymore.
(kids groaning)
Now, wait a minute.
Now the good news!
Your new coach, Coach Unger!
Ah, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Coach Madison.
Well, men, as
Coach Madison said,
my name is Coach Unger.
Very well...
It's a real pleasure to
make your acquaintance,
and I say that in all sincerity.
You're a fine-looking
group of men.
Very good, very good. You
want to tuck in your shirt, son?
Now, men, I'm not
going to start out
under any false
pretenses to you.
I can't pretend that I'm a
great expert on football.
As a matter of fact, I
don't remember if I ever...
ever played the game at all.
But, uh, seriously, men.
I know that you men have been
playing together
and winning together.
And I feel that I'll probably
learn more from you
than you will from me.
Be that as it may...
KIDS: Yay, Coach Unger!
Thanks. Thanks very
much. Great group. Yeah.
Listen, I'm going to watch
the game from the bleachers.
Good luck, gang, good luck.
Let's hear it for Coach Madison!
Hip-hip. KIDS: Hooray!
Thanks, kids. Good luck!
There goes a great guy.
As a matter of fact,
men, I've been doing
a little bit of studying
over the weekend.
I've come up with
a... (drops bag)
couple of things I think
we can toy with, so, uh...
let's start off
with a clean slate.
Now, I've come
up with a formation
that I think will work.
This is called the disjointed U.
Disjointed U?
Sounds complicated,
but it's not.
One, two, three, four...
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.
Now, listen carefully.
Center hands off
to the quarterback,
who hands off to the fullback,
who crosses around to the end,
hands off to the end;
the end crosses around
to this side, and...
sends a forward pass
down to the flanker
who's down here, catches it,
laterals to the
opposing flanker,
and down the field he goes.
Got it?
What happened to
the hidden helmet play?
Oh, the hidden
helmet is child's play.
We're childs.
Hey, Dad, we're not going
to have enough time to learn
any new plays today, are
we? Yeah, yeah, I think we will.
As a matter of fact, I
had a few mimeographed.
Why don't you, uh...
Why don't you pass these
out to the players, son?
We've got a couple of
hours before the game.
Why don't you study
these on the bench, men?
And I've got you some
great energy food!
Brownies! Yay!
What do you say? Let's...
hit the field, men, okay?
(kids cheering) Hut, hut, hut.
I'll be with you as soon
as I wash the whistle.
(kids laughing and shouting)
(indistinct, excited chatter)
I'd like to disjoint his U!
Leonard...
Did you see it, Uncle Oscar?
Yeah, I saw, I saw.
It's our first game
of the season,
and our first loss
of the season.
Well, it's one of those things.
I wouldn't blame your coach.
Who would you blame?
It's those weird plays.
Yeah, I can't even pronounce
them, much less do them.
FELIX: Don't be
discouraged, men.
We haven't begun to fight!
They're a little bit ahead now,
but we're going to come back!
Felix. Please, Oscar, I don't
have many minutes in here.
Now we've made a few
mistakes, that's all right.
We know where they are,
we know we can correct them.
Felix, we... We're
learning our plays.
We're together,
that's the main thing.
Now, Chubby... Where's Chubby?
Over here!
Chubby, don't be disturbed
about that last play.
That was a typing error.
That's not your fault. Felix...
Now, men...
What? The game is over!
What?
The game is over.
No, it's only the
end of the first half.
No, it's the end
of the second half!
Well, then, the game is over.
Now you got it.
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, hi, Gloria. Come in. Hi.
Felix isn't here.
I know.
He's downtown buying
things for the team.
Yeah, he already
bought an album...
Great Coache" Pep Talks. Oh.
He's been listening to
Knute Rockne incessantly.
Oscar, I've got to
talk to you about Felix.
The kids hate him.
Oh, not as a person,
but as a coach.
They want to fire him.
You got to respect
them for that.
Mm. They had a meeting
at the house last night.
They voted 11 to
one to get rid of him.
Well, at least Leonard
stood up for him. That's nice.
No, it was Chubby.
He liked the brownies.
How are you gonna tell him?
I don't know. I...
You-You know
him better than I do.
How would you tell him?
I don't know.
I-I find I'm always better
when I'm straightforward
with Felix, you know.
Tell him he did a lousy job,
they lost the game, and
he's out... tell him the truth.
The one thing about Felix,
he'll always accept the truth.
That's exactly right.
That's exactly the
way you should tell him.
Bye.
MAN (on record): Wait till
you see the ball in the air.
And then go and get it!
And when we get it, boys,
that's when we go on offense.
That's when we go to 'em!
We're going inside 'em,
we're going outside 'em!
Inside 'em and outside 'em,
Look at this. I got
to fire Knute Rockne.
Listen! Listen to this!
Listen to this! Knute Rockne!
Something I got to tell you now.
You want to talk to me
about yesterday's game?
Yes, as a matter
of fact, that's what...
Yeah, you were right, I
was wrong. I know that now.
My... I was much too
technical with the guys.
It's the wrong approach! Yeah.
Right. Your coaching
is all wrong for the kids.
Yes... That's... I know it;
that's why I got this record!
This man!
He knew! He knew!
A coach must
inspire his players.
I've got to give those
kids inspiration, that's it.
No, Felix.
Those kids have enough
inspiration to begin with.
See, once they're
out of the house,
rolling around in the dirt,
stepping on each other,
that's what they like, you see.
No, no, no, Oscar, you're cute,
but that's not what the
Rock was talking about.
He was talking about
that extra something
that the greats
have inside them,
that they can pull out of
themselves when they need it,
when lesser men would give up.
Have you ever thought
of giving up, Felix? Hmm.
Yes, I must confess that
after yesterday's game,
I considered retiring.
Then why don't you?
Because I don't want my
son to think I'm a quitter.
And we're not gonna pass
unless our secondary
comes up too close.
But don't forget, men, we're
gonna get 'em on the run.
We're gonna go, go, go, go!
Oscar, did you want
to tell me something?
Oh, like the man
said, "Go, go, go."
But first we're coming back
with a fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight!
What do you say, men?
(men shouting)
Oh, you guys don't understand.
Mr. Unger is with
you all the way!
He's giving you his very best!
It's rotten, but
it's his very best.
Now, what are you gonna
do, just throw him out?
Uncle Oscar, look
on the blackboard.
What's that?
Plans for Apollo 16? No.
That's a triple reverse.
We practiced it yesterday.
And right here is where
we all ran into each other.
We just don't want Dad to coach.
I mean, I love him,
but I got to think of
the rest of the team.
Okay, listen, I'm gonna be
your coach during the game.
ALL: Yay, Coach Madison!
Quiet, will you?
Now, here's my plan, listen.
Every couple of minutes,
one of you guys from
the bench come in here.
I'll give you a new play.
See, and you bring that out.
Now, you forget anything
that Mr. Unger tells you, okay?
Can I tell Mr. Unger
he's through?
No, Chubby! He's not through.
Officially, he's
gonna be your coach.
That's the official rule, see?
But we won't tell him anything.
He mustn't know one
thing about this, all right?
Okay, now, you guys,
get ready, come on.
Let's go.
FELIX: Good luck to you
and your Trojans, Mr. Porter.
Okay, give me
your attention, men.
We're gonna have
a little pep talk.
Now, men, today is the
day we're going to win.
I know it, and you know it,
and you know why we know it?
Because we're going
to go, go, go, go, go!
We're going to fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
And if they throw
a forward pass,
wait till you see
the ball in the air,
then go and get it!
And if you get it, then
we go on the offense,
and don't forget, we've
got to pick on that one tackle
they've got that's weak.
We're going to go inside,
we're going to go outside!
We're going to go
inside, and go outside!
We're gonna get 'em on the
run, and if we get 'em on the run,
we're going to
keep 'em on the run!
And we're gonna
go, go, go, go, go
till we get to that goal line!
They can't lick us!
We're going to fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!
We're gonna win!
What do you say, men?
Good!
Let's go!
(kids cheering)
They love me.
Go, baby, go, run! Good!
(kids shouting)
Go! (whistle blows)
It's fourth down, Uncle Oscar.
What do we do, punt?
No, don't punt! We want
to keep hold of the ball...
Fake a punt, and
hand it to Cramer.
But don't let go till he pulls
it away from you. Okay.
Okay.
(kids shouting excitedly)
Go, Cramer, go!
Run, baby, run!
(kids cheering)
(whistle blows) Good!
It worked, Mr. Madison.
We got our first down.
What do we do now?
Now, their right end
is dropping back.
Untie your shoelaces.
And blow your nose!
That a boy!
That a boy, Chubby!
Keep going, baby,
you're doing beautifully!
We're on the 20, Uncle Oscar!
Dad hasn't noticed a thing.
Yeah, I know. I saw him
giving his Knute Rockne
speech to the other coach.
What do we do? Pass?
No. Come here, listen.
I want all you guys to get
in front of Cramer, see?
And take him
right up to the end.
And on your way back, bring
me a couple of brownies. Okay.
That's it, Chubby.
That's it, Chubby!
Keep running!
Oh, you should have
tied your shoelace first.
Good, fall on him!
Fall on him, Chubby.
You'll flatten him.
Go ahead, baby! Go ahead!
Just put the brownies
on the bench.
(whistle blows)
Hey, did Mr. Unger notice
that we weren't
using any of his plays?
Yes.
Hi, babe.
You look angry, Felix.
Through these, you look
very large and very angry.
Now you look very
small and very angry.
(whistle blows) These
are called opera glasses.
You know, you should buy a pair.
Then when you see
Pagliacci, you'll really enjoy...
What are you picking on me for?
So you caught me.
What's the big deal?
Eat your brownies.
I lost my appetite.
Not for treachery, you haven't.
(cheering)
(whistle blows)
Made the first down.
Congratulations, Coach.
(children cheering outside)
I can explain, Felix.
Yeah, so can I.
You just can't
help humiliating me
in front of my son.
We're going outside 'em,
inside them and outside 'em,
and when we get
'em on the run once,
we're gonna keep 'em on the run.
And we're not gonna pass
unless our secondary
comes up too close.
And don't forget, men,
we're gonna get 'em
on the run, we're
gonna... Hi, Felix.
You got a headache?
Hey, why did you
run out like that?
Everybody wondered
what happened to you.
Hey, we won.
They tried the shoelace trick,
and we intercepted the
shoe and made a touchdown.
(doorbell buzzes)
I'll get it.
Oh, hi, Leonard.
Come on in.
Dad, can I talk to you?
I'll get lost.
Sure, you can talk to me.
Huh. What's on your mind?
No, I know.
Your mother called me.
Everybody's trying
to spare my feelings.
I just ought to
face the fact that...
I'm a failure as a father.
You're not.
You're a great father.
Football's not
your bag, that's all.
But football isn't
the only thing.
You've taught me lots of things.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, you've taught me
all about photography,
and you've taught
me to love music.
You've taught me
1,000 ways to use raisins.
You're being very kind, Leonard.
I just taught you those
things 'cause I like 'em.
I wasn't thinking about you.
The same with the football game.
I gave you a lot of
complicated plays
'cause I liked it.
I wasn't thinking
about the kids at all.
Well, gee, Dad, we had
another vote after the game.
You did?
They still want me to be coach?
No, we want you
to be team dietician.
And we voted you
the game ball, Dad.
Aw, gee.
Thanks.
(chuckles)
Tell all the guys thanks for me.
Yeah. Well, I got to go.
Mom's waiting.
Bye, Pop. Bye, son.
(door closes)
OSCAR: Hey, what
is that, the game ball?
That's terrif...
Look at what I'm doing.
I heard the whole conversation.
I'm not only treacherous,
I'm nosy, so hit me.
You're a lucky guy, Felix.
And if I ever do steal
a son, it'll be yours.
Well, let me know
when you're speaking
to me again, will you?
Oscar?
What?
You're right.
I am lucky.
Hey, Coach, catch!
And go, go, go, go!
And we're under attack, and
they're in on that goal line...
What's for breakfast, Felix?
FELIX: Oh, melon!
We've got cantaloupe
this morning that's beautiful.
It's beautiful!
Marvelous! I'd love some.
My throat is so dry.
Bring it to me, will
you? Look at this.
Hey, Oscar. Statue of Liberty.
Oh!
What's the matter? Oh!
What's the matter?
Bursitis! My arm.
You can't move it? No!
You sure? Yeah, I can't!
Oh, oh. You can't
move it at all?
No, I can't! Okay.