The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Odd Couple Meet Their Host - full transcript
Felix takes publicity photos of David Steinberg. David mentioned he wants Oscar to appear on his show. On the show, Oscar jokes about his fussy, clean-freak roommate Felix. Now, Felix wants to go on the show to talk about Oscar's messiness.
I can't tell you what
a thrill it is for me
to have you in my
studio, David Steinberg.
Oh, my favorite talk show host.
Oh, thank you very
much. I really mean it.
I just wait for Johnny,
Merv or Dick to get sick
so I can see you.
You're, uh, very kind.
Yeah, we have a love in common.
You've met my secretary?
That's priceless!
Oh...
not really, it's Pearly.
No, yeah...
No, um, we both like
old radio theme songs.
Oh! Do you like the
radio songs? Yeah.
(clears throat)
♪ Who's that
little chatterbox? ♪
♪ The one with
pretty auburn locks ♪
♪ Who can it be? ♪
BOTH: ♪ It's Little
Orphan Annie ♪
♪ Arf says Sandy... ♪
That's terrific.
All right, here's one:
♪ How do you do
everybody, how do you do? ♪
The Happiness Boys.
Billy Jones and Ernie Hare!
Hey, you're very good.
That's terrific! (chuckling)
When people find out I'm
taking your picture for TV Guide,
they're all going to
ask me one question...
And what is that
question, Felix?
What is David
Steinberg really like?
What is David
Steinberg really like?
I'm entirely different.
That's priceless!
(phone rings)
Hello.
Yes, he is. Yes, he is.
Just one moment please.
Hold...
And now, heeeeeere's David!
Hello.
Oh, that.
Uh, it's a little
hard to explain.
Yeah, who've we got?
Stacha Wozniac,
the Polish discus champ!
I read about her... yeah.
No, no, I don't think so, Phil.
No, no one will...
hold on a second.
Felix, would you watch my show
if I had Stacha Wozniac,
the Polish discus...
Oh yeah, yeah.
You could be very,
very funny with her.
She'd teach you
how to toss the discus.
Yeah!
Phil, book her on the show.
That's right.
Yeah, I don't know,
I just think I'd be
very funny with her.
You know she'd teach
me how to throw the discus.
Yeah.
All right, well, book
him on the show too.
The guy who wrote
the article on her.
What's his name?
Oscar Madison.
(clattering)
Oscar Madison?
Yeah, that's right.
The only thing is that
we must have him
here this afternoon.
Yeah, he's got to be
here within the next hour,
because he's got a
lot of preparing to do.
(playing discordant notes)
Felix, we'll sing a little
later on, if you don't mind.
This is important to
me. I can get him for you.
Oscar Madison... I can get him.
You can have Oscar
Madison here this afternoon?
I'll see him. Where?
In my living room, my bathroom.
I live with the guy.
He's my roommate.
You live with Oscar Madison?
Yeah!
Phil, forget it.
I've got a guy here
who can deliver him.
Yeah, just as soon as he goes
to the bathroom, we've got him!
That's funny.
Oh, yeah.
Great, Phil. Bye-bye.
Now, Felix, you're sure
we can have Oscar
Madison this afternoon?
Guaranteed!
You've got Oscar Madison
on your show tonight!
Oscar!
Oscar...
Oscar!
I'm not going on
the show tonight.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
Don't you realize
what an honor it is
to be asked to be on that show?
Besides, I promised
David you'd do it.
I committed myself.
You should have committed
yourself a long time ago.
But they want you on the show.
They need you...
What are you doing
in my kitchen sink?
Sweatsocks.
You're doing them
yourself? Yeah.
In my kitchen sink?!
Why?
The laundry refused them.
The main thing is you've
got to go on that show tonight.
Why?
Oscar, you're... you're
a very entertaining guy.
You're the kind they
love on those shows.
You talk without thinking.
They love that.
I'm a writer, not a talker.
The whole thing scares me.
Aw-haw! So that's
it, you're scared!
Oh boy, if they asked me
to go on one of those shows...
I wouldn't be scared.
Felix, 40 million
people watching you,
watching every move you make.
It scares the pants off me!
You see that, you see,
scares the pants off you.
You see how you turn a phrase?
That would be screams!
Believe me,
David will put
you at your ease...
he'll sit you down,
you'll talk about business...
What are you doing?
Forget it. I'm not
going on the show.
But I promised you.
It'll make me look like a fool.
Better you than me, buddy.
Oscar... you're a funny man.
Funny, funny man!
How am I a funny, funny man?
It's your habits;
it's the way you...
Now, look...
you, you light your
cigar at the stove.
Washing your sweatsocks
in the kitchen sink.
That's funny?!
A minute ago, you were
ready to kill me for it!
I know, but people who
don't have to live with you
think that's funny.
And everybody I tell
about you laughs their head off.
You tell people about me?! Yeah.
What do you tell 'em?
Well, I tell them...
I don't know...
(laughing) ...how you
throw your clothes around,
how you pack a
suitcase, how you eat.
That's... people
love you for that!
It's funny! Yeah?
What are you doing?
Going for a laugh!
Don't be such a wise guy.
I have to clean that up!
Come on, call David's office.
Tell them you'll go on the show.
It's the simplest thing...
(laughing)
What's funny now?
(laughing): You!
Putting your socks
on the icebox.
That's funny to you? Yeah.
It's the way you
do it... Oh, come on!
Will you cut it out?
Stop conning me.
You opened your big
mouth, you said I'll do it.
All right, I'll do it! Oh.
But don't con me! Great. Great.
STEINBERG: I'm talking...
to Stacha Wozniac.
She's the Polish discus champ.
She doesn't speak any English.
Put me down, Stacha!
Oh, thank you!
Thank you, Stacha Wozniac,
ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for her.
(applause) Thank you, Stacha.
That was Stacha
Wozniac doing her thing...
and I think she hurt my thing.
Priceless!
STEINBERG: In just a second,
we'll be back... (doorbell buzzing)
(knocking on door)
with Oscar Madison...
but first a word...
Murray, Murray come
in. Has he been on yet?
Not yet, hurry! Any minute now!
I'd have been here a lot sooner
but there was a big
commotion in the street
and I had to drive around it.
(music playing on TV)
We're back now,
and I'd like to bring out
the man who brought Stacha
to the attention of
the American public.
And, not only that,
he helped inspire her defection.
Uh, he's the very fine columnist
from the New York Herald,
would you welcome
please, Oscar Madison.
(applause on TV)
Stacha, you obviously...
Now, Mr. Madison,
uh, your column
on Stacha was, uh,
very controversial.
Were there any repercussions?
No... no... no.
STEINBERG: I'm, I'm
sorry... did you say something?
Yes, I said no.
Oh.
Uh...
I-I-I don't want you
to be frightened, uh,
from that, Oscar.
The reason that that's there
is 'cause you were talking
into your tie and
we couldn't hear you.
You see that... Sorry, sorry.
It's, it's all right.
Let me ask you this...
Have you ever
written an article,
and then decided
against printing it?
Yes... yes.
Good... good.
Could you tell us about it?
(quietly): Oh, yes.
Yes... no... sorry.
The Polish girl
was more articulate.
You mean I missed
the Polish girl?
There was the time that, uh...
that Bummy Davis
was fighting, and I, ah...
oh, no, I printed that
article, so I guess...
I guess that wouldn't
apply to what...
Well, when I come in the house,
I throw my clothes
on the floor a lot
and I eat in bed a lot, you see?
Did you understand that, Stacha?
Well... I-I'm afraid I didn't.
I-I, I'm sorry, Oscar... I
don't get the connection.
Neither do I, but that's
what he told me to say.
Oh, I... someone told
you to say these things!
You mean to say you had
help with these answers?
Well, uh... who,
who, was it, Oscar?
(mumbling): Felix Unger.
I-I'm sorry, I-I
can't hear you...
Felix Unger!
Hey, Felix! That's you!
Sh... shh... shh.
STEINBERG: Yeah, I-I understand.
Now this really is
quite a coincidence...
But, this afternoon, I was
having my picture taken
by Mr. Madison's
roommate, Felix Unger.
He's a photographer.
380 Madison Avenue,
portraits a specialty!
And he secured Mr. Madison's
services for the show tonight,
and Felix made all
the arrangements.
Isn't that, uh, basically
what happened?
Oh, that's exactly
what happened.
Mr. Steinberg, you're,
you're so wonderful
and articulate. Oh.
No, really, I-I mean, I... you're
marvelous, Mr. Steinberg.
I'm afraid I didn't...
Mr. Steinberg!
Now, he's fawning all over him.
I just can't watch it.
He's ruining everything
I told him to do.
Oh, come on, Felix.
Give him a chance!
Will you?
Felix is very... um...
he's very well organized,
isn't he, Oscar?
You know, I-I-I noticed
that he takes his
used flashbulbs,
and he puts them...
he puts them, uh...
back into the carton.
And he has them
so neatly stacked.
He's the same way at home.
It's like living
with a chipmunk.
(audience laughing)
That was good!
It's nervous laughter.
They, they smell
he's... panicky, it's...
He was the only American soldier
during World War II
to receive a medal
from the German army.
From the German army.
Yeah, he was a prisoner of war,
and the Nazis voted his
camp the most hygienic.
(audience laughing)
He's going great now!
Lies!
I never accepted that medal.
I threw it back in their faces!
He's, I guess, the
biggest worrywart
in the world, you know... uh...
A chain of drugstores voted him
the hypochondriac of the year!
As a matter of fact, he...
well, he gets very
nervous and he,
and he begins to honk a lot,
you see, when he's very low.
He found out he
was allergic to aspirin,
he went around all day honking.
W-w-what is honking?
Oh, oh, uh, David,
can I stand up?
It's all yours! Go
ahead. Well, you see, he,
he gets very nervous, and, ah...
when things are upsetting him,
and so he goes around
the house and he honks.
It sounds something
like this... (nasal honking)
(Oscar honking on TV,
Felix honks in response)
(honking rapidly)
Lies! (honks) Lies!
Hey, Fe... what is this?
Felix... what are you
sitting in the dark for?
Hey, did you see the show?
And now, heeeeere comes Oscar!
Was I terrific or what?
You notice I wasn't nervous?
Did you notice I wasn't
nervous at all, eh, bubby?
Did you notice that?
Did you also notice that
I mentioned your name?
David told me to thank you.
Is he a great guy!
He seems aloof on
television, he's not.
He wants to meet Nancy,
we're going to double date.
And, you know
what, he's so popular!
We came out, they asked
him for the autograph,
they asked me for
my autograph, too!
We got in the car, they were
grabbing, it was the most thrilling,
the most exciting evening
I've ever... Shut up!
What's the matter?
You insensitive clod!
Don't you realize
what you've done?
This is the worst
night of my life!
I've been humiliated in
front of the whole world!
I'm a laughingstock.
Everybody we know
was watching that show!
I didn't tell anybody to watch.
I did!
I thought that you were
going to do some simple,
harmless routine
about your filthy habits!
Instead you tore me to pieces.
That was so cruel of you, Oscar!
The phone's been
ringing off the hook.
(phone rings)
There it goes again.
No! Don't answer it.
I can't stand
another of my fans.
I'm going to have to get an
unlisted number because of you.
An exterminator called
up, wanted to give me a job.
They're going to name
a detergent after me.
I'm sorry.
An old man out in Long Island
wants me to come
out and bathe him.
You've humiliated me!
The whole world thinks
I'm a neurotic madman
and I'm going to
kill you for that!
(car horn honks)
What's that?
No, nothing fancy, just, uh,
"The guest host, uh, this
week is David Steinberg."
That'll be fine.
Great.
Thank you. Thanks, Dick.
Felix, gonna take my picture?
Whenever you're
available, Mr. Substitute.
Mr. Substitute.
Well, what is that?
I thought we were so
friendly back... thank you...
I thought we were so
friendly back in the studio.
Now, uh, you
seem a little remote.
I'm moody.
It's interesting
how impressive this
set looks at home.
The curtains look so rich.
Actually they're rather
sleazy, aren't they?
Plastic plants, tacky chairs.
Hmph!
Wait a second, Felix.
You're not upset about
the show last night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Well, you have no reason to be.
You were the reason the
show was so successful.
You were the hit of the show.
Hm. The neat freak.
No, the neat freak was funny.
People laughed at that.
They thought that was good.
Hmm.
Wait a second.
Why don't you come
on my show tonight?
Wonderful.
I'll come out with a mop and
pail and wash the audience.
Felix, that's funny!
The-the audience will
laugh at that! That's great!
I don't think I have quite the
style your audience expects.
Wrong. Exactly...
You have the exact style
that the audience would love.
I know it. Felix, trust me.
Listen to this: Felix Unger
tells his side of the story.
Mm. You...
♪ Who's that
little chatterbox? ♪
♪ The one with
pretty auburn locks ♪
(hums along)
BOTH: ♪ Who can it be? ♪
♪ It's Little Orphan Annie... ♪
You can be dammed charming
when you want to be, can't you?
You'll do it!
Hey, Harve, we've
got the neat freak!
(laughs)
I guess he likes me.
Listen, I talked to David.
He called me and told me
you were gonna be
on the show tonight.
David called you?
He called me a
couple of times today.
Hmm. Dinner's nearly ready.
Aren't you gonna
wash your hands?
Yeah, I'm gonna wash my hands.
He called me once
to tell me about you
and then once just to rap.
Aren't you going to
use the bathroom?
I don't have to.
You and David are getting nice
and buddy-buddy, aren't you?
Bring that in.
Hey, it smells good.
What is it, Felix?
Creamed chipped beef on toast.
Aw, come on!
Don't you like it?
No, I hate it! All
veterans hate it!
Gee, I'm sorry.
That was awfully
thoughtless of me, wasn't it?
Are you still sore
about last night?
No. Good.
Listen, what are you gonna
talk about on the show tonight?
Mm-mm!
You do that, you're
gonna bore a lot of people.
Don't worry about me.
I've been watching that show.
I think I know what's effective.
(door buzzer sounds) Well,
don't try to put me down
with all that sloppy stuff.
They don't like that.
Stick with neat jokes.
Neat jokes... they like that.
Ah, Mr. Unger? Yes.
David sent me.
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Come in, come in. Thank you.
Ah, and there's Mr. Madison.
I'm Harvey Skolnik. Yeah.
Oh, gee, you're having dinner.
Look, I don't want to take
up your time. It's all right.
You see, I don't
have a lot of time.
That's all right. Time for what?
What is this, Felix?
David sent this
young man over here.
He's just gonna ask you a
few questions. Isn't that right?
That's right. You
see, David wanted me
to get a little material.
Eats with his hands.
(chuckles)
Should wear a bib.
(chuckles)
Likes Army food. (laughs)
Look at this, a man
announcing my meal.
What?
Look at his shirt.
Ooh, how many days
have you worn that shirt?
Come on! I put it on
fresh this morning.
Ring around the chest.
Funny, funny, funny.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Voted one of the best-dressed
men by Popular Mechanics.
FELIX: Good! That's good!
What the, what's going on here?!
He's my writer. Your writer?
Yeah, David sent
him over to help me.
Help you what? Get material.
Look. Look at his comb.
Eight missing teeth.
Maybe.
If you can use it.
Oh, give me the comb, will you?
You want to see his
laundry? Come here.
Ooh, yeah. Hey, you know,
we might get something
out of that comb, like, uh,
looks like the New York skyline.
Good, good!
It's a wonderful comb,
if you're Yul Brynner.
Funny. That's a biggie!
That's a biggie!
Where's the laundry?
Just follow the trail
all the way out the hall.
Look, Biggie, why are
you doing this to me?
To destroy you.
Do what you want.
I'm telling you, I
know audiences.
What's the matter?
I just saw his room.
Fungus on the bedposts!
(laughing) That's funny. Wait.
Come on in the kitchen. I
want to show you his food.
Oh, I already saw
it in his bedroom.
There's a half a
tuna sandwich and...
All right, Henny
Youngman, that's it.
Let's go. Out, out.
What is this?! It's okay...
believe me, I have enough!
Has all the charm
of a dock strike!
All right... Good-bye. Get out.
Do you know that you
were very rude to my staff?
Rude to your staff?
(phone ringing)
Wait till tonight,
you'll see how rude
the audience is
gonna be to your staff.
Hello.
Hi, old buddy.
Gee, I don't know, I'd
have to think about it.
Hey, let me call
you back, will you?
Right. So long.
Who was that?
Somebody who wanted
some advice about garbage?
(laughing)
Yeah, write it down, Felix.
That happened to be David.
He wants me on
the show tonight, too.
(whistling tune)
Go on the show.
What do I care?
I'll make a deal with you.
I won't go on the show tonight
if you don't do any
sloppy jokes, okay?
You can go on alone, have
the spotlight all to yourself,
and then I'll come
on some other night.
I have an open invite.
I don't care if you
come on or not.
I made you and I can break you.
(audience applauding)
How about a guy who
goes through art galleries
taking lint out of the
statues' stomachs?
(laughter)
You know, when Oscar
started talking about Felix,
people thought it was just
a figment of his imagination.
But that's not true.
Uh, not only is he not that,
but he is here in New York,
alive and well, and with
us right now on the show.
So please welcome Felix Unger.
(applause)
Hello, Felix.
Welcome to the show.
Felix.
Oscar.
Well, Felix, you... (laughter)
(chuckles)
Felix... (chuckles)
Felix, you want
an opportunity...
wanted an opportunity
to come on the show
'cause you wanted
equal time, isn't that right?
Right.
All right, Felix, the
cameras are yours,
the mike is yours,
and I hope the chair is yours.
(laughter)
Go!
Right.
Good evening.
I wish you could meet
my roommate Oscar.
(chuckles)
He looks like Yul Brynner.
Uh, his comb looks
like Yul Brynner.
(chuckles)
I wish you could see him eat.
Eight missing teeth.
Um, and talk about...
Uh, and talking
about his shirts.
He has ring around the chest.
(laughing)
The honking's gonna
start any minute.
(honks)
He was voted the
most popular mechanic.
(honks)
Well, we're gonna, we're gonna
have to break for a commercial,
but we'll be back
with more of this, uh,
scintillating conversation
in just a second.
Stay with us.
(music plays)
Felix, what's the
matter with you?
You're shaking all over.
Oh, my... Oh.
Felix, you mixed it all up.
I bombed.
You want me to read it?
You want me to do it for you?
I'm leaving. Where
are you going?
I'm going home. I'm
gonna take a bath.
No! Oh, the commercial is over.
Come on. David's coming back.
Now, come on.
Sit down, will you?
Come on.
(music plays)
Okay, we're back now with
Oscar Madison and Felix Unger.
I can see that Felix is
just straining at the leash,
ready to let forth
with lethal bombshells
on the head of his
roommate Oscar Madison.
All right, Felix, go ahead.
It's all yours.
Felix?
David, uh, you remember
what, uh, the other day,
you asked me... it was yesterday,
I think... whether I had ever
written an article
and not printed it?
Oh, yes, uh, on the
other show, you mean.
Yeah, well I happened to think
of a time when, uh,
the drama critic got sick,
and he asked me to cover Gypsy.
See, it was a...
Oh, I-I know, I know it well.
I haven't seen
it yet, but it's...
Well, it's been closed
for about 11 years.
Oh, I... Well, it's a
marvelous musical.
But I was very tired.
I had been in Cincinnati
covering the ballgame.
STEINBERG: That, Oscar, is
the worst way to see anything.
OSCAR: I know, but
that's why... (humming tune)
(mumbling): ♪
...pretty auburn locks ♪
♪ Who can it be? ♪
BOTH: ♪ It's Little
Orphan Annie ♪
♪ She and Sandy make a pair ♪
(mumbling): ♪ They never
seem to have a care ♪
♪ Cute little she ♪
(band joins in)
♪ It's Little Orphan Annie ♪
♪ Bright eyes ♪
♪ Cheeks a rosy glow ♪
♪ There's a store
of healthiness ♪
♪ Handy ♪
♪ Mite size ♪
♪ Always on the go ♪
♪ If you want to know,
"Arf," says Sandy ♪
♪ Always wears a sunny smile ♪
♪ Now wouldn't it
be worth your while ♪
♪ If you could be like
Little Orphan Annie? ♪
(applause)
(music stops)
Take that!
Say, here's one that'll
bring back a few memories.
♪ How do you do, everybody? ♪
♪ How do you do? ♪
(band joins in) ♪ How
are you, everybody? ♪
♪ How are you? ♪
♪ There's nobody here ♪
♪ Hear the Golden Bear ♪
♪ How do you doodle-doodle-
doodle-doodle-do? ♪
(applause)
It's true.
Felix really uses
disposable earmuffs.
(laughter)
Listen, until I moved in here,
he thought mildew was a flavor.
(chuckles)
We had a picnic in Central
Park, the ants gave him
a standing ovation.
..standing ovation.
(chuckles)
Biggies. Nothing but biggies.
(laughing)
Listen, I-I would
love to spend all night
reminiscing with you guys,
but really, I-I've got to go.
Oh, you've been
wonderful, marvelous.
But... thank you for tonight.
I really enjoyed it.
Are you kidding? We had a ball.
We hate to see you leave. Okay.
Thank you.
♪ I love to spend ♪
ALL: ♪ This hour with you ♪
♪ As friend to friend ♪
♪ I'm sorry it's through ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ Just how I feel... ♪
a thrill it is for me
to have you in my
studio, David Steinberg.
Oh, my favorite talk show host.
Oh, thank you very
much. I really mean it.
I just wait for Johnny,
Merv or Dick to get sick
so I can see you.
You're, uh, very kind.
Yeah, we have a love in common.
You've met my secretary?
That's priceless!
Oh...
not really, it's Pearly.
No, yeah...
No, um, we both like
old radio theme songs.
Oh! Do you like the
radio songs? Yeah.
(clears throat)
♪ Who's that
little chatterbox? ♪
♪ The one with
pretty auburn locks ♪
♪ Who can it be? ♪
BOTH: ♪ It's Little
Orphan Annie ♪
♪ Arf says Sandy... ♪
That's terrific.
All right, here's one:
♪ How do you do
everybody, how do you do? ♪
The Happiness Boys.
Billy Jones and Ernie Hare!
Hey, you're very good.
That's terrific! (chuckling)
When people find out I'm
taking your picture for TV Guide,
they're all going to
ask me one question...
And what is that
question, Felix?
What is David
Steinberg really like?
What is David
Steinberg really like?
I'm entirely different.
That's priceless!
(phone rings)
Hello.
Yes, he is. Yes, he is.
Just one moment please.
Hold...
And now, heeeeeere's David!
Hello.
Oh, that.
Uh, it's a little
hard to explain.
Yeah, who've we got?
Stacha Wozniac,
the Polish discus champ!
I read about her... yeah.
No, no, I don't think so, Phil.
No, no one will...
hold on a second.
Felix, would you watch my show
if I had Stacha Wozniac,
the Polish discus...
Oh yeah, yeah.
You could be very,
very funny with her.
She'd teach you
how to toss the discus.
Yeah!
Phil, book her on the show.
That's right.
Yeah, I don't know,
I just think I'd be
very funny with her.
You know she'd teach
me how to throw the discus.
Yeah.
All right, well, book
him on the show too.
The guy who wrote
the article on her.
What's his name?
Oscar Madison.
(clattering)
Oscar Madison?
Yeah, that's right.
The only thing is that
we must have him
here this afternoon.
Yeah, he's got to be
here within the next hour,
because he's got a
lot of preparing to do.
(playing discordant notes)
Felix, we'll sing a little
later on, if you don't mind.
This is important to
me. I can get him for you.
Oscar Madison... I can get him.
You can have Oscar
Madison here this afternoon?
I'll see him. Where?
In my living room, my bathroom.
I live with the guy.
He's my roommate.
You live with Oscar Madison?
Yeah!
Phil, forget it.
I've got a guy here
who can deliver him.
Yeah, just as soon as he goes
to the bathroom, we've got him!
That's funny.
Oh, yeah.
Great, Phil. Bye-bye.
Now, Felix, you're sure
we can have Oscar
Madison this afternoon?
Guaranteed!
You've got Oscar Madison
on your show tonight!
Oscar!
Oscar...
Oscar!
I'm not going on
the show tonight.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
Don't you realize
what an honor it is
to be asked to be on that show?
Besides, I promised
David you'd do it.
I committed myself.
You should have committed
yourself a long time ago.
But they want you on the show.
They need you...
What are you doing
in my kitchen sink?
Sweatsocks.
You're doing them
yourself? Yeah.
In my kitchen sink?!
Why?
The laundry refused them.
The main thing is you've
got to go on that show tonight.
Why?
Oscar, you're... you're
a very entertaining guy.
You're the kind they
love on those shows.
You talk without thinking.
They love that.
I'm a writer, not a talker.
The whole thing scares me.
Aw-haw! So that's
it, you're scared!
Oh boy, if they asked me
to go on one of those shows...
I wouldn't be scared.
Felix, 40 million
people watching you,
watching every move you make.
It scares the pants off me!
You see that, you see,
scares the pants off you.
You see how you turn a phrase?
That would be screams!
Believe me,
David will put
you at your ease...
he'll sit you down,
you'll talk about business...
What are you doing?
Forget it. I'm not
going on the show.
But I promised you.
It'll make me look like a fool.
Better you than me, buddy.
Oscar... you're a funny man.
Funny, funny man!
How am I a funny, funny man?
It's your habits;
it's the way you...
Now, look...
you, you light your
cigar at the stove.
Washing your sweatsocks
in the kitchen sink.
That's funny?!
A minute ago, you were
ready to kill me for it!
I know, but people who
don't have to live with you
think that's funny.
And everybody I tell
about you laughs their head off.
You tell people about me?! Yeah.
What do you tell 'em?
Well, I tell them...
I don't know...
(laughing) ...how you
throw your clothes around,
how you pack a
suitcase, how you eat.
That's... people
love you for that!
It's funny! Yeah?
What are you doing?
Going for a laugh!
Don't be such a wise guy.
I have to clean that up!
Come on, call David's office.
Tell them you'll go on the show.
It's the simplest thing...
(laughing)
What's funny now?
(laughing): You!
Putting your socks
on the icebox.
That's funny to you? Yeah.
It's the way you
do it... Oh, come on!
Will you cut it out?
Stop conning me.
You opened your big
mouth, you said I'll do it.
All right, I'll do it! Oh.
But don't con me! Great. Great.
STEINBERG: I'm talking...
to Stacha Wozniac.
She's the Polish discus champ.
She doesn't speak any English.
Put me down, Stacha!
Oh, thank you!
Thank you, Stacha Wozniac,
ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for her.
(applause) Thank you, Stacha.
That was Stacha
Wozniac doing her thing...
and I think she hurt my thing.
Priceless!
STEINBERG: In just a second,
we'll be back... (doorbell buzzing)
(knocking on door)
with Oscar Madison...
but first a word...
Murray, Murray come
in. Has he been on yet?
Not yet, hurry! Any minute now!
I'd have been here a lot sooner
but there was a big
commotion in the street
and I had to drive around it.
(music playing on TV)
We're back now,
and I'd like to bring out
the man who brought Stacha
to the attention of
the American public.
And, not only that,
he helped inspire her defection.
Uh, he's the very fine columnist
from the New York Herald,
would you welcome
please, Oscar Madison.
(applause on TV)
Stacha, you obviously...
Now, Mr. Madison,
uh, your column
on Stacha was, uh,
very controversial.
Were there any repercussions?
No... no... no.
STEINBERG: I'm, I'm
sorry... did you say something?
Yes, I said no.
Oh.
Uh...
I-I-I don't want you
to be frightened, uh,
from that, Oscar.
The reason that that's there
is 'cause you were talking
into your tie and
we couldn't hear you.
You see that... Sorry, sorry.
It's, it's all right.
Let me ask you this...
Have you ever
written an article,
and then decided
against printing it?
Yes... yes.
Good... good.
Could you tell us about it?
(quietly): Oh, yes.
Yes... no... sorry.
The Polish girl
was more articulate.
You mean I missed
the Polish girl?
There was the time that, uh...
that Bummy Davis
was fighting, and I, ah...
oh, no, I printed that
article, so I guess...
I guess that wouldn't
apply to what...
Well, when I come in the house,
I throw my clothes
on the floor a lot
and I eat in bed a lot, you see?
Did you understand that, Stacha?
Well... I-I'm afraid I didn't.
I-I, I'm sorry, Oscar... I
don't get the connection.
Neither do I, but that's
what he told me to say.
Oh, I... someone told
you to say these things!
You mean to say you had
help with these answers?
Well, uh... who,
who, was it, Oscar?
(mumbling): Felix Unger.
I-I'm sorry, I-I
can't hear you...
Felix Unger!
Hey, Felix! That's you!
Sh... shh... shh.
STEINBERG: Yeah, I-I understand.
Now this really is
quite a coincidence...
But, this afternoon, I was
having my picture taken
by Mr. Madison's
roommate, Felix Unger.
He's a photographer.
380 Madison Avenue,
portraits a specialty!
And he secured Mr. Madison's
services for the show tonight,
and Felix made all
the arrangements.
Isn't that, uh, basically
what happened?
Oh, that's exactly
what happened.
Mr. Steinberg, you're,
you're so wonderful
and articulate. Oh.
No, really, I-I mean, I... you're
marvelous, Mr. Steinberg.
I'm afraid I didn't...
Mr. Steinberg!
Now, he's fawning all over him.
I just can't watch it.
He's ruining everything
I told him to do.
Oh, come on, Felix.
Give him a chance!
Will you?
Felix is very... um...
he's very well organized,
isn't he, Oscar?
You know, I-I-I noticed
that he takes his
used flashbulbs,
and he puts them...
he puts them, uh...
back into the carton.
And he has them
so neatly stacked.
He's the same way at home.
It's like living
with a chipmunk.
(audience laughing)
That was good!
It's nervous laughter.
They, they smell
he's... panicky, it's...
He was the only American soldier
during World War II
to receive a medal
from the German army.
From the German army.
Yeah, he was a prisoner of war,
and the Nazis voted his
camp the most hygienic.
(audience laughing)
He's going great now!
Lies!
I never accepted that medal.
I threw it back in their faces!
He's, I guess, the
biggest worrywart
in the world, you know... uh...
A chain of drugstores voted him
the hypochondriac of the year!
As a matter of fact, he...
well, he gets very
nervous and he,
and he begins to honk a lot,
you see, when he's very low.
He found out he
was allergic to aspirin,
he went around all day honking.
W-w-what is honking?
Oh, oh, uh, David,
can I stand up?
It's all yours! Go
ahead. Well, you see, he,
he gets very nervous, and, ah...
when things are upsetting him,
and so he goes around
the house and he honks.
It sounds something
like this... (nasal honking)
(Oscar honking on TV,
Felix honks in response)
(honking rapidly)
Lies! (honks) Lies!
Hey, Fe... what is this?
Felix... what are you
sitting in the dark for?
Hey, did you see the show?
And now, heeeeere comes Oscar!
Was I terrific or what?
You notice I wasn't nervous?
Did you notice I wasn't
nervous at all, eh, bubby?
Did you notice that?
Did you also notice that
I mentioned your name?
David told me to thank you.
Is he a great guy!
He seems aloof on
television, he's not.
He wants to meet Nancy,
we're going to double date.
And, you know
what, he's so popular!
We came out, they asked
him for the autograph,
they asked me for
my autograph, too!
We got in the car, they were
grabbing, it was the most thrilling,
the most exciting evening
I've ever... Shut up!
What's the matter?
You insensitive clod!
Don't you realize
what you've done?
This is the worst
night of my life!
I've been humiliated in
front of the whole world!
I'm a laughingstock.
Everybody we know
was watching that show!
I didn't tell anybody to watch.
I did!
I thought that you were
going to do some simple,
harmless routine
about your filthy habits!
Instead you tore me to pieces.
That was so cruel of you, Oscar!
The phone's been
ringing off the hook.
(phone rings)
There it goes again.
No! Don't answer it.
I can't stand
another of my fans.
I'm going to have to get an
unlisted number because of you.
An exterminator called
up, wanted to give me a job.
They're going to name
a detergent after me.
I'm sorry.
An old man out in Long Island
wants me to come
out and bathe him.
You've humiliated me!
The whole world thinks
I'm a neurotic madman
and I'm going to
kill you for that!
(car horn honks)
What's that?
No, nothing fancy, just, uh,
"The guest host, uh, this
week is David Steinberg."
That'll be fine.
Great.
Thank you. Thanks, Dick.
Felix, gonna take my picture?
Whenever you're
available, Mr. Substitute.
Mr. Substitute.
Well, what is that?
I thought we were so
friendly back... thank you...
I thought we were so
friendly back in the studio.
Now, uh, you
seem a little remote.
I'm moody.
It's interesting
how impressive this
set looks at home.
The curtains look so rich.
Actually they're rather
sleazy, aren't they?
Plastic plants, tacky chairs.
Hmph!
Wait a second, Felix.
You're not upset about
the show last night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Well, you have no reason to be.
You were the reason the
show was so successful.
You were the hit of the show.
Hm. The neat freak.
No, the neat freak was funny.
People laughed at that.
They thought that was good.
Hmm.
Wait a second.
Why don't you come
on my show tonight?
Wonderful.
I'll come out with a mop and
pail and wash the audience.
Felix, that's funny!
The-the audience will
laugh at that! That's great!
I don't think I have quite the
style your audience expects.
Wrong. Exactly...
You have the exact style
that the audience would love.
I know it. Felix, trust me.
Listen to this: Felix Unger
tells his side of the story.
Mm. You...
♪ Who's that
little chatterbox? ♪
♪ The one with
pretty auburn locks ♪
(hums along)
BOTH: ♪ Who can it be? ♪
♪ It's Little Orphan Annie... ♪
You can be dammed charming
when you want to be, can't you?
You'll do it!
Hey, Harve, we've
got the neat freak!
(laughs)
I guess he likes me.
Listen, I talked to David.
He called me and told me
you were gonna be
on the show tonight.
David called you?
He called me a
couple of times today.
Hmm. Dinner's nearly ready.
Aren't you gonna
wash your hands?
Yeah, I'm gonna wash my hands.
He called me once
to tell me about you
and then once just to rap.
Aren't you going to
use the bathroom?
I don't have to.
You and David are getting nice
and buddy-buddy, aren't you?
Bring that in.
Hey, it smells good.
What is it, Felix?
Creamed chipped beef on toast.
Aw, come on!
Don't you like it?
No, I hate it! All
veterans hate it!
Gee, I'm sorry.
That was awfully
thoughtless of me, wasn't it?
Are you still sore
about last night?
No. Good.
Listen, what are you gonna
talk about on the show tonight?
Mm-mm!
You do that, you're
gonna bore a lot of people.
Don't worry about me.
I've been watching that show.
I think I know what's effective.
(door buzzer sounds) Well,
don't try to put me down
with all that sloppy stuff.
They don't like that.
Stick with neat jokes.
Neat jokes... they like that.
Ah, Mr. Unger? Yes.
David sent me.
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Come in, come in. Thank you.
Ah, and there's Mr. Madison.
I'm Harvey Skolnik. Yeah.
Oh, gee, you're having dinner.
Look, I don't want to take
up your time. It's all right.
You see, I don't
have a lot of time.
That's all right. Time for what?
What is this, Felix?
David sent this
young man over here.
He's just gonna ask you a
few questions. Isn't that right?
That's right. You
see, David wanted me
to get a little material.
Eats with his hands.
(chuckles)
Should wear a bib.
(chuckles)
Likes Army food. (laughs)
Look at this, a man
announcing my meal.
What?
Look at his shirt.
Ooh, how many days
have you worn that shirt?
Come on! I put it on
fresh this morning.
Ring around the chest.
Funny, funny, funny.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Voted one of the best-dressed
men by Popular Mechanics.
FELIX: Good! That's good!
What the, what's going on here?!
He's my writer. Your writer?
Yeah, David sent
him over to help me.
Help you what? Get material.
Look. Look at his comb.
Eight missing teeth.
Maybe.
If you can use it.
Oh, give me the comb, will you?
You want to see his
laundry? Come here.
Ooh, yeah. Hey, you know,
we might get something
out of that comb, like, uh,
looks like the New York skyline.
Good, good!
It's a wonderful comb,
if you're Yul Brynner.
Funny. That's a biggie!
That's a biggie!
Where's the laundry?
Just follow the trail
all the way out the hall.
Look, Biggie, why are
you doing this to me?
To destroy you.
Do what you want.
I'm telling you, I
know audiences.
What's the matter?
I just saw his room.
Fungus on the bedposts!
(laughing) That's funny. Wait.
Come on in the kitchen. I
want to show you his food.
Oh, I already saw
it in his bedroom.
There's a half a
tuna sandwich and...
All right, Henny
Youngman, that's it.
Let's go. Out, out.
What is this?! It's okay...
believe me, I have enough!
Has all the charm
of a dock strike!
All right... Good-bye. Get out.
Do you know that you
were very rude to my staff?
Rude to your staff?
(phone ringing)
Wait till tonight,
you'll see how rude
the audience is
gonna be to your staff.
Hello.
Hi, old buddy.
Gee, I don't know, I'd
have to think about it.
Hey, let me call
you back, will you?
Right. So long.
Who was that?
Somebody who wanted
some advice about garbage?
(laughing)
Yeah, write it down, Felix.
That happened to be David.
He wants me on
the show tonight, too.
(whistling tune)
Go on the show.
What do I care?
I'll make a deal with you.
I won't go on the show tonight
if you don't do any
sloppy jokes, okay?
You can go on alone, have
the spotlight all to yourself,
and then I'll come
on some other night.
I have an open invite.
I don't care if you
come on or not.
I made you and I can break you.
(audience applauding)
How about a guy who
goes through art galleries
taking lint out of the
statues' stomachs?
(laughter)
You know, when Oscar
started talking about Felix,
people thought it was just
a figment of his imagination.
But that's not true.
Uh, not only is he not that,
but he is here in New York,
alive and well, and with
us right now on the show.
So please welcome Felix Unger.
(applause)
Hello, Felix.
Welcome to the show.
Felix.
Oscar.
Well, Felix, you... (laughter)
(chuckles)
Felix... (chuckles)
Felix, you want
an opportunity...
wanted an opportunity
to come on the show
'cause you wanted
equal time, isn't that right?
Right.
All right, Felix, the
cameras are yours,
the mike is yours,
and I hope the chair is yours.
(laughter)
Go!
Right.
Good evening.
I wish you could meet
my roommate Oscar.
(chuckles)
He looks like Yul Brynner.
Uh, his comb looks
like Yul Brynner.
(chuckles)
I wish you could see him eat.
Eight missing teeth.
Um, and talk about...
Uh, and talking
about his shirts.
He has ring around the chest.
(laughing)
The honking's gonna
start any minute.
(honks)
He was voted the
most popular mechanic.
(honks)
Well, we're gonna, we're gonna
have to break for a commercial,
but we'll be back
with more of this, uh,
scintillating conversation
in just a second.
Stay with us.
(music plays)
Felix, what's the
matter with you?
You're shaking all over.
Oh, my... Oh.
Felix, you mixed it all up.
I bombed.
You want me to read it?
You want me to do it for you?
I'm leaving. Where
are you going?
I'm going home. I'm
gonna take a bath.
No! Oh, the commercial is over.
Come on. David's coming back.
Now, come on.
Sit down, will you?
Come on.
(music plays)
Okay, we're back now with
Oscar Madison and Felix Unger.
I can see that Felix is
just straining at the leash,
ready to let forth
with lethal bombshells
on the head of his
roommate Oscar Madison.
All right, Felix, go ahead.
It's all yours.
Felix?
David, uh, you remember
what, uh, the other day,
you asked me... it was yesterday,
I think... whether I had ever
written an article
and not printed it?
Oh, yes, uh, on the
other show, you mean.
Yeah, well I happened to think
of a time when, uh,
the drama critic got sick,
and he asked me to cover Gypsy.
See, it was a...
Oh, I-I know, I know it well.
I haven't seen
it yet, but it's...
Well, it's been closed
for about 11 years.
Oh, I... Well, it's a
marvelous musical.
But I was very tired.
I had been in Cincinnati
covering the ballgame.
STEINBERG: That, Oscar, is
the worst way to see anything.
OSCAR: I know, but
that's why... (humming tune)
(mumbling): ♪
...pretty auburn locks ♪
♪ Who can it be? ♪
BOTH: ♪ It's Little
Orphan Annie ♪
♪ She and Sandy make a pair ♪
(mumbling): ♪ They never
seem to have a care ♪
♪ Cute little she ♪
(band joins in)
♪ It's Little Orphan Annie ♪
♪ Bright eyes ♪
♪ Cheeks a rosy glow ♪
♪ There's a store
of healthiness ♪
♪ Handy ♪
♪ Mite size ♪
♪ Always on the go ♪
♪ If you want to know,
"Arf," says Sandy ♪
♪ Always wears a sunny smile ♪
♪ Now wouldn't it
be worth your while ♪
♪ If you could be like
Little Orphan Annie? ♪
(applause)
(music stops)
Take that!
Say, here's one that'll
bring back a few memories.
♪ How do you do, everybody? ♪
♪ How do you do? ♪
(band joins in) ♪ How
are you, everybody? ♪
♪ How are you? ♪
♪ There's nobody here ♪
♪ Hear the Golden Bear ♪
♪ How do you doodle-doodle-
doodle-doodle-do? ♪
(applause)
It's true.
Felix really uses
disposable earmuffs.
(laughter)
Listen, until I moved in here,
he thought mildew was a flavor.
(chuckles)
We had a picnic in Central
Park, the ants gave him
a standing ovation.
..standing ovation.
(chuckles)
Biggies. Nothing but biggies.
(laughing)
Listen, I-I would
love to spend all night
reminiscing with you guys,
but really, I-I've got to go.
Oh, you've been
wonderful, marvelous.
But... thank you for tonight.
I really enjoyed it.
Are you kidding? We had a ball.
We hate to see you leave. Okay.
Thank you.
♪ I love to spend ♪
ALL: ♪ This hour with you ♪
♪ As friend to friend ♪
♪ I'm sorry it's through ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ Just how I feel... ♪