The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 8 - Fat Farm - full transcript
Felix and Oscar's girlfriend are concerned about Oscar's health. They force him to go to a fat farm, and Felix goes with him.
(distant chatter)
Here we go.
Oh, you were wonderful, Felix.
(laughs) Thank you.
You're a great ball player.
Give me your glove.
Oh. How do you manage
to slide into home base
without even
smudging your uniform?
Practice. Practice.
I got my letter in
college for that.
Oh.
Where did we lose Oscar?
He stopped at a hotdog stand.
Not another hotdog!
You know, the guy
is such a glutton.
I'm worried about him, Nancy.
I watched him eating six
hot dogs during the game,
and he only chewed two.
You know, he
always stuffs himself.
I wish he could be
more like you, Felix.
You're in perfect condition.
Thank you, Dr. Cunningham.
(laughs) A sound
mind in a healthy body.
NANCY: Oscar...
Oscar, are you all right?
Yeah, I need the beer,
honey, I need the beer.
Here. FELIX: Oscar,
please.
Ten seconds, and
look at this mess.
Will you open it for me, honey?
Honey... you
shouldn't be this tired.
I'm really worried about you.
I'm fine, honey... The
heat's got me, that's all.
It's not the heat,
it's the food.
Look at this...
Mustard on his mitt.
Food's got
nothing to do with it.
I'll be fine as soon as
I get my second wind.
Your second wind's
as bad as your first.
I'm really worried
about him, Nancy.
Yeah. Will you cut it out?
I've been playing baseball every
weekend for 16 years, honey.
One hour of exercise a week.
But that's all you do, darling.
You're at an age where you
have to take care of your body.
Honey, I'm in great shape.
I can do anything he can do.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Well, it's not "ho,
ho, ho," Santa Claus.
You just said a
very amusing thing.
You think you're in
better shape than I am?
My mother's in better
shape than you are.
Oscar, I am a trained athlete.
I'm never out of condition.
And every summer, I go
away to the health farm
for two weeks of
really rigorous training.
Those are the best
two weeks of my life.
Mine, too.
(both laughing)
Nancy, would you be good enough
to toss a pillow
right there, please?
What are you gonna
do, pick up a pillow?
Can you do this?
What does that prove? Hey!
There's dust under
the couch. Wow!
What-What does that prove?
Anybody with a flat head
could do that.
Do something, uh,
gymnastic, you know.
Something gymnastic? Yeah.
Can you do this?
NANCY: Oh, wow!
Now he's a kangaroo.
You only learned that
because you were afraid of mice.
Come on, do something manly
like we used to do when
we were in the army.
In the army? Yeah.
You want to clean the latrine?
(laughs) No, you
know what I mean.
Pushups. We used to do pushups.
How about pushups?
One arm or two?
Two arms, show-off.
Will you count for me, Nancy?
Sure. Here we go.
Are you counting? One,
two, three, Yes.
Four, five, Notice the hands
are close together, not far apart,
which is easy, but close
together, six, seven,
the back is straight at
all times. eight, nine, ten.
And talking all the time...
Tell me when to quit.
All right, that's enough.
And not out of breath.
Wow, Felix!
The floor is yours.
OSCAR: You want me to do
it with my hat on or my hat off?
Make yourself comfortable.
You count for me,
will you, honey? Sure.
Okay, you start counting, baby.
Get your back straight.
One... one, two. Fine,
fine. Keep counting.
That's it, keep counting.
Three, three. Keep
counting, keep counting, babe.
Three. Three?
Three? Keep counting.
You can stop counting, honey.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
What are you doing?
Huh?
Crouching on the desk.
Want me to help you down?
No.
You know, you're double-
jointed or something?
Come here, come here, come here.
I want to talk to you,
Oscar, really, seriously,
about... about the
happiness of our home.
First you're Jack LaLanne,
now you're Dear Abby.
No. Listen, my friend, your
well-being is my concern.
I want to have a heart-to-heart,
man-to-man talk with you.
Okay, Dad.
I'm going to ignore that, Oscar,
'cause I know that you're upset.
You're upset about the
rotten shape you're in.
I'm not in rotten shape.
I may not be in tip-top
shape, but I'm definitely in tip.
Oh. Why did...
What's the difference?
I'm happy.
What did you have for
breakfast this morning?
Now, don't start that... candy
and soda are energy foods.
You should start a
sensible regimen of diet
and exercise, and you should
begin by going to Burger's...
Burger's Fat Farm, I know.
I go there every
year, and I'm not fat.
If you're not fat,
it's a health farm.
If you're fat, it's a fat farm.
For you, it would
be a blubber farm.
I like my blubber.
It keeps me warm, it
keeps me company,
it keeps my pants up.
What do you want to do?
Do you want to vacuum,
or do you want to talk?
How else will I get the
ashes out of my pocket?
Do you realize
you haven't had a
physical examination
in all the time I've know you?
You haven't known me that long.
I had one a short while ago.
When? When? Who was the doctor?
Not Melnitz. No,
not Dr. Melnitz.
He's not the only doctor
in the world, now, is he?
Well, then who was it?
I don't have to tell you.
Ah, you didn't have a
physical examination.
Dr. Hashimura. Dr. Hashimura?
Yeah, Lieutenant Sessu
Hashimura, Okinawa.
Okinawa!
The last time you had a physical
examination was in the army?
Yeah, and Hashimura
said I was in A-one shape.
Oh, Oscar, do yourself a favor.
Look at this.
Go down tomorrow, let
Nancy examine you. Why?
Because a lot has happened
since-since Okinawa.
You've been married,
you've been divorced,
you've eaten two
freight cars of cold cuts.
You've had your
clothes cleaned...
once.
You should have a physical
examination every war.
If you get off my back, I'll
go down and see Nancy,
but she'll tell me the same
thing that Hashimura did.
What did he say?
A little more tea,
cut down on the rice.
(phone ringing) (shouts)
Hello?
No, I'm-I'm sorry, the
doctor isn't in right now.
Uh... may I help you?
No, I'm a photographer.
(line clicks) (gasps)
Bet I could have helped.
How was your examination?
Fine. How was yours?
I'm glad you dragged
me down here.
I got to see Nancy, I got a
couple of hugs... it was nice.
Forgetting about the sex,
how was your examination?
Fine. I told you I'm
fine. There's no...
Nancy, how is he? Eager.
His, uh, pulse and blood
pressure are normal. Uh-huh.
The tests come back
from the lab tomorrow,
and that's about
all I can see for now,
except for a little fat
around the tummy.
Honey, that's fun fat.
Everybody has that.
I don't have it.
You don't have any fun, either.
My body isn't in question here.
Nancy, tell me the
truth, how is he?
Well, as his doctor, I'd
say he's in fair shape,
but honey, honey,
as your girlfriend,
I have to admit,
if you were in better condition,
you'd look a lot sexier.
Uh-huh. Oh, thanks a lot.
And I don't need
anything from you.
Is that a nice thing to say?
Hi, Doc. Hi there, Bob.
Hey, I'm all ready for
my annual body checkup.
Go right on in,
I'll be with you.
Well, I'm really
looking forward to it.
Are you gonna examine him? Yep.
Just the way you examined me?
Uh-huh. I'm going
in there with you.
No, you're not. No.
Bye, Felix.
Wait a minute. How
am I... all right or not?
Oscar, don't worry.
You'll be around
for a long time,
wheezing and puffing and eating.
Mm.
It's gonna be the most
depressing day of my life.
My girlfriend, who
doesn't think I'm sexy,
is in there examining
Mr. America.
What would you say if I told you
I could give you a new body?
I'd ask for his.
No. I mean, rebuild
the body you've got.
Oh, please,
don't start with the fat
farm again, will you?
You want to know the truth?
Well, it embarrasses me to be
around all those flabby people.
Why?
'Cause I'm one of them. Aha.
Also, nobody likes
to see fat birds
of a feather flocking together.
Congratulations!
You have just
taken the first step
on the road to good health:
admitting there is a
problem is the first step.
Oscar,
fat is the mortal enemy
of this amazing machine,
the human heart,
which begins beating
before you're born
and continues
unceasingly until you die.
Inside this miraculous
organ are four chambers,
two auricles and two ventricles.
Now, what do you see?
Chocolate kisses.
This is the most tasteless
thing I have ever seen.
I gave that candy dish to her.
Read the inscription.
"Eat your heart out."
Ah. Yes, look.
This is it?
Well, yes. It's
nice, it's clean.
Looks like a motel for sissies.
Oh. And we're right
next to the gym.
Oh, goody. I wake up
in the middle of the night
dying for a dumbbell,
I'll know where to go.
Come on, unpack... things
are gonna be starting real soon,
and we don't want
to miss anything.
Dr. Burger wants to
welcome you personally,
so he sent me.
MAN (laughing): Oh, I...
You're going to have a very
happy time here, I'm sure.
If you'll just empty
your pockets now.
What?
They want to make sure
we haven't smuggled
in any contraband.
Empty your pockets, come on.
Contraband? Yes, there's
no food allowed in the rooms.
It's, uh, Burger's
first commandment:
"Thou shalt not nibble."
(laughs)
Only, uh, celery and
carrot sticks are allowed.
No food, just lint.
Here, here, what's this?
Oh, that's not food.
Those are cigars, buddy.
Yes, but there's
no smoking here.
These will be given back
to you when you leave.
Yeah, but I'm leaving now.
No. Now, come
on, come on, Oscar.
It's only for two weeks.
Come on, we're
gonna have a ball.
Thank you.
We always win.
Now, your, uh, gym hours
will be 10:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.
Jogging is optional.
Ah!
Dinner will be in, uh,
exactly 18 minutes.
Don't be late.
Boy, they've relaxed
the rules this year.
Jogging optional.
Oh, boy, are we
gonna have a ball.
Got a match?
Aha. Hmm.
What is this?
Yogurt with crushed sesame seed.
Mmm. That's a
fancy hors d'oeuvre.
This isn't an hors d'oeuvre.
This is the main course.
That was dinner?!
I've spilled more
food on my shirts.
This is concentrated
energy food.
Eat a little bit at a time.
That way you feel full.
I would need tweezers.
How do you like that?
They give you nothing to eat,
they serve you a finger bowl.
Take your fingers
out of the soup!
Soup? It's lukewarm water.
With a few necessary
minerals added.
Chicken fat is the
only necessary mineral
needed for soup.
Oh, I don't care
what anybody says,
I can't live on this. I
got to have seconds.
I got to have firsts!
You won't have room for dessert.
I'll rent room.
What do you get for dessert?
Do you get to suck on a balloon?
Dr. Burger is famous for his
"anything you wish" desserts.
Dessert here is mindblowing.
Well, that's more like it.
A guppy couldn't
live on this. Ah!
Ready to order dessert? Yes!
Baked Alaska with
crème Chantilly.
Hey, Felix, that
sounds better than mine.
I'll have that on top of
a hot fudge nut sundae
with a lot of whipped
cream. Oscar.
Crème Chantilly
is whipped cream.
Yeah, but I'm hungry. I'll
have the whipped cream
on top of the whipped cream.
One baked Alaska
with crème Chantilly. Mmm...
One baked Alaska
with crème Chantilly
on a hot fudge sundae
with whipped cream over all.
Would you like nuts on it?
No, thanks.
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
This is Dr. Burger's idea.
To drive us crazy?
So much of eating is for
the mind alone, not the body.
The mere act of going
through the motions,
pretending, satisfies.
Satisfies the guy who
washes the dishes.
What are you doing?
I'm eating my baked Alaska.
Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm.
Oh.
It's a funny farm.
Aren't you going to eat yours?
We got to get out of here.
Mm, mm.
Try a forkful.
Go ahead, you'll see.
Here, you have mine.
Oh, no. No, I couldn't.
Mine is so rich and creamy,
I don't think I'll be able
to finish it.
Don't you want your dessert?
Ooh. Thanks.
Mmm.
Look at this, Felix.
I'm beginning to
believe this nonsense!
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Up! Up! Now let's
try the belly roll.
Come on, come
on. Let's get with it.
Let's go with the belly roll.
On your stomachs, men.
That's it. Arms clasped
behind the back.
And on the count
of one, begin rolling.
One and two and one and two...
You're a pleasure, Unger.
Oscar. Come on!
(snoring) Come
on, Oscar, let's go.
Come on, Oscar. Come
on. Lets go. Let's go.
TRAINER: Oh, good
morning, Dr. Burger.
Oh, a peach of a morning.
Nice to see you again.
Welcome back to our place.
Anything wrong? Well...
Madison here isn't
used to getting up
so early in the morning.
Oh, he will feel that life here
is more, much more,
than a bowl of cherries.
Cherries are fattening.
Oh, you always
was a funny sense...
A crazy sense of
humor. (chuckles)
FELIX: Nearly
time for lights out.
I smell hot pastrami.
Am I going cra... Do
you smell hot pastrami?
Yeah, I do, sure.
Oh, you do smell it.
Yeah. When the
wind's from the east.
What's the east
wind got to do with it?
Max's Delicatessen
is up that way.
Max's Delicatessen? Yeah.
Oh, do they deliver?
We're not even
allowed to talk to them.
I was only kidding. You
know something, Felix?
You said Max's Delicatessen,
it didn't mean that to
me. I guess I'm over it; Ah.
All that health food and
everything. You see?
The psychology's working on you.
That's the way
it... Ah. (buzzing)
Light's out. Burger bedtime.
Not a second too soon.
I am so tired!
I tell you, it's all that
exercise and everything.
Yeah. Well... Good night.
I'll never get used to sleeping
with the Lone Ranger.
Good night, Felix.
Max's Delicatessen.
I think you've got
my salami. Shh!
You've got a roommate.
Shh. Yeah. I thought
you live alone.
Enjoy, enjoy.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
How could you?
How could I what?
You've smuggled in salami,
pickles... corned
beef... potato chips...
beer and a can opener.
How can you smell a can opener?
Oh, Oscar, Oscar.
How did you do it?
Oh, you'd have been proud of me.
I got it at Max's Delicatessen.
I had to sneak
past all the guards
they got on patrol here.
Get rid of that food
at once! I'm going to.
I'll swallow it all in 20
minutes without chewing.
Get it out of here.
Get rid of it. Come on.
Get this food out of here.
I'll give you a karate chop
I learned from Hashimura.
All right.
You leave me no choice.
Hello? This is Mr. Unger
in room 112. Who
are you calling?
I wish to report my roommate.
For gross... oh, gross, gross
violation of Burger's
first commandment,
"Thou shalt not
eat in thy room."
I don't believe
it. That's right.
I'm sorry, Oscar. This
is for your own good.
Now, pack all that food
up, put it back in the bag.
You mean they're going to try
and take that food away from me?
Every crumb. No.
Oscar, Oscar. No. No. No!
No, they're not! All right.
You deserve the
mark of a squealer.
Get him! Get him!
OSCAR: You'll never
take me thin! Never!
Oscar, this is your
best friend talking.
Don't be a fat farm
dropout, Oscar.
Oscar, the guards
are out of the room.
I'm alone here now.
You can trust me.
(Oscar and guards
arguing) Get him! Get him!
Get him!
You dirty squealer.
Oscar, I did it for
your own good.
You really went bananas.
Very serious, very serious.
You are really in a pickle.
Why does he have
to talk like that?
Doctor, I've known
this man a long time.
He's not all bad.
And I've known
this man a long time,
and he's all bad.
Yeah. You will be
given punishment A.
Does that mean I'm kicked
out? I can go home... Oh, no, no.
It doesn't mean that at all.
It means that you
will not get to go
to the movies tomorrow night
You'll get no
unbuttered popcorn,
and if you're caught with
food in your room again,
you'll be expelled
and have nothing left
but your own bad body.
Dismissed.
Boy, are you lucky I was along.
If not for me, you'd be
on your way home now.
What are you doing?
You went to sleep
with the lamp on.
What's that?
Popcorn.
Is it buttered?
No butter, only salt.
Ooh, I love salt. Mmm.
Is it good? Yes,
it is. It's good.
Would you give me some?
Uh-uh, you're being
punished. You can't have any.
But you wouldn't squeal
on me again, would you?
Yes, I would.
Give me some, Felix,
or I'll have to kill you.
You don't get any.
I'll have to throw it away...
Give it to me, Felix. No, no.
Give it to me,
Felix. Give it to me!
Guard! Guard!
What are you packing for?
They didn't kick you out.
I told Burger if
you left, I leave.
What did he say?
He said it was no
skin off his apple.
I wouldn't blame you if
you were mad at me, Oscar.
I don't know, I don't...
I don't know how
I did such a thing.
Turning in my own best friend.
Why should I get mad at you?
You were doing it for my good.
I'm the fool.
No. I'm a fool
for thinking I can change you.
You know what, Felix?
I am going to try to change.
I'm going to try to
eat the right foods.
I'm going try to
do the exercises,
do everything that
you think is right for me.
No. You've got to do things
your way, that's all.
Look, so you'll live 25 years.
I'll only last 20 years.
What's the difference
as long as we'll be happy?
What is it, Felix,
what's the matter?
(weeping): I'll miss you.
Oh, no, no, no!
What are you doing?
Cleaning up.
You're cleaning up?
Cleaning up the icebox.
Oscar, you know
this food is poison.
This food gives me
strength. Strength?
On this kind of strength,
you couldn't do three pushups.
Oh, don't bring up the pushups.
I never was really
good at pushups.
What I'm really a champ
at is, um... arm wrestling.
That's what I'm good
at. Arm wrestling?
I'm great at that. Let's go.
Felix, don't, I'm telling you.
I'm warning you. You count.
All right. I warned you.
One, two, three.
Here we go.
Oh, you were wonderful, Felix.
(laughs) Thank you.
You're a great ball player.
Give me your glove.
Oh. How do you manage
to slide into home base
without even
smudging your uniform?
Practice. Practice.
I got my letter in
college for that.
Oh.
Where did we lose Oscar?
He stopped at a hotdog stand.
Not another hotdog!
You know, the guy
is such a glutton.
I'm worried about him, Nancy.
I watched him eating six
hot dogs during the game,
and he only chewed two.
You know, he
always stuffs himself.
I wish he could be
more like you, Felix.
You're in perfect condition.
Thank you, Dr. Cunningham.
(laughs) A sound
mind in a healthy body.
NANCY: Oscar...
Oscar, are you all right?
Yeah, I need the beer,
honey, I need the beer.
Here. FELIX: Oscar,
please.
Ten seconds, and
look at this mess.
Will you open it for me, honey?
Honey... you
shouldn't be this tired.
I'm really worried about you.
I'm fine, honey... The
heat's got me, that's all.
It's not the heat,
it's the food.
Look at this...
Mustard on his mitt.
Food's got
nothing to do with it.
I'll be fine as soon as
I get my second wind.
Your second wind's
as bad as your first.
I'm really worried
about him, Nancy.
Yeah. Will you cut it out?
I've been playing baseball every
weekend for 16 years, honey.
One hour of exercise a week.
But that's all you do, darling.
You're at an age where you
have to take care of your body.
Honey, I'm in great shape.
I can do anything he can do.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Well, it's not "ho,
ho, ho," Santa Claus.
You just said a
very amusing thing.
You think you're in
better shape than I am?
My mother's in better
shape than you are.
Oscar, I am a trained athlete.
I'm never out of condition.
And every summer, I go
away to the health farm
for two weeks of
really rigorous training.
Those are the best
two weeks of my life.
Mine, too.
(both laughing)
Nancy, would you be good enough
to toss a pillow
right there, please?
What are you gonna
do, pick up a pillow?
Can you do this?
What does that prove? Hey!
There's dust under
the couch. Wow!
What-What does that prove?
Anybody with a flat head
could do that.
Do something, uh,
gymnastic, you know.
Something gymnastic? Yeah.
Can you do this?
NANCY: Oh, wow!
Now he's a kangaroo.
You only learned that
because you were afraid of mice.
Come on, do something manly
like we used to do when
we were in the army.
In the army? Yeah.
You want to clean the latrine?
(laughs) No, you
know what I mean.
Pushups. We used to do pushups.
How about pushups?
One arm or two?
Two arms, show-off.
Will you count for me, Nancy?
Sure. Here we go.
Are you counting? One,
two, three, Yes.
Four, five, Notice the hands
are close together, not far apart,
which is easy, but close
together, six, seven,
the back is straight at
all times. eight, nine, ten.
And talking all the time...
Tell me when to quit.
All right, that's enough.
And not out of breath.
Wow, Felix!
The floor is yours.
OSCAR: You want me to do
it with my hat on or my hat off?
Make yourself comfortable.
You count for me,
will you, honey? Sure.
Okay, you start counting, baby.
Get your back straight.
One... one, two. Fine,
fine. Keep counting.
That's it, keep counting.
Three, three. Keep
counting, keep counting, babe.
Three. Three?
Three? Keep counting.
You can stop counting, honey.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
What are you doing?
Huh?
Crouching on the desk.
Want me to help you down?
No.
You know, you're double-
jointed or something?
Come here, come here, come here.
I want to talk to you,
Oscar, really, seriously,
about... about the
happiness of our home.
First you're Jack LaLanne,
now you're Dear Abby.
No. Listen, my friend, your
well-being is my concern.
I want to have a heart-to-heart,
man-to-man talk with you.
Okay, Dad.
I'm going to ignore that, Oscar,
'cause I know that you're upset.
You're upset about the
rotten shape you're in.
I'm not in rotten shape.
I may not be in tip-top
shape, but I'm definitely in tip.
Oh. Why did...
What's the difference?
I'm happy.
What did you have for
breakfast this morning?
Now, don't start that... candy
and soda are energy foods.
You should start a
sensible regimen of diet
and exercise, and you should
begin by going to Burger's...
Burger's Fat Farm, I know.
I go there every
year, and I'm not fat.
If you're not fat,
it's a health farm.
If you're fat, it's a fat farm.
For you, it would
be a blubber farm.
I like my blubber.
It keeps me warm, it
keeps me company,
it keeps my pants up.
What do you want to do?
Do you want to vacuum,
or do you want to talk?
How else will I get the
ashes out of my pocket?
Do you realize
you haven't had a
physical examination
in all the time I've know you?
You haven't known me that long.
I had one a short while ago.
When? When? Who was the doctor?
Not Melnitz. No,
not Dr. Melnitz.
He's not the only doctor
in the world, now, is he?
Well, then who was it?
I don't have to tell you.
Ah, you didn't have a
physical examination.
Dr. Hashimura. Dr. Hashimura?
Yeah, Lieutenant Sessu
Hashimura, Okinawa.
Okinawa!
The last time you had a physical
examination was in the army?
Yeah, and Hashimura
said I was in A-one shape.
Oh, Oscar, do yourself a favor.
Look at this.
Go down tomorrow, let
Nancy examine you. Why?
Because a lot has happened
since-since Okinawa.
You've been married,
you've been divorced,
you've eaten two
freight cars of cold cuts.
You've had your
clothes cleaned...
once.
You should have a physical
examination every war.
If you get off my back, I'll
go down and see Nancy,
but she'll tell me the same
thing that Hashimura did.
What did he say?
A little more tea,
cut down on the rice.
(phone ringing) (shouts)
Hello?
No, I'm-I'm sorry, the
doctor isn't in right now.
Uh... may I help you?
No, I'm a photographer.
(line clicks) (gasps)
Bet I could have helped.
How was your examination?
Fine. How was yours?
I'm glad you dragged
me down here.
I got to see Nancy, I got a
couple of hugs... it was nice.
Forgetting about the sex,
how was your examination?
Fine. I told you I'm
fine. There's no...
Nancy, how is he? Eager.
His, uh, pulse and blood
pressure are normal. Uh-huh.
The tests come back
from the lab tomorrow,
and that's about
all I can see for now,
except for a little fat
around the tummy.
Honey, that's fun fat.
Everybody has that.
I don't have it.
You don't have any fun, either.
My body isn't in question here.
Nancy, tell me the
truth, how is he?
Well, as his doctor, I'd
say he's in fair shape,
but honey, honey,
as your girlfriend,
I have to admit,
if you were in better condition,
you'd look a lot sexier.
Uh-huh. Oh, thanks a lot.
And I don't need
anything from you.
Is that a nice thing to say?
Hi, Doc. Hi there, Bob.
Hey, I'm all ready for
my annual body checkup.
Go right on in,
I'll be with you.
Well, I'm really
looking forward to it.
Are you gonna examine him? Yep.
Just the way you examined me?
Uh-huh. I'm going
in there with you.
No, you're not. No.
Bye, Felix.
Wait a minute. How
am I... all right or not?
Oscar, don't worry.
You'll be around
for a long time,
wheezing and puffing and eating.
Mm.
It's gonna be the most
depressing day of my life.
My girlfriend, who
doesn't think I'm sexy,
is in there examining
Mr. America.
What would you say if I told you
I could give you a new body?
I'd ask for his.
No. I mean, rebuild
the body you've got.
Oh, please,
don't start with the fat
farm again, will you?
You want to know the truth?
Well, it embarrasses me to be
around all those flabby people.
Why?
'Cause I'm one of them. Aha.
Also, nobody likes
to see fat birds
of a feather flocking together.
Congratulations!
You have just
taken the first step
on the road to good health:
admitting there is a
problem is the first step.
Oscar,
fat is the mortal enemy
of this amazing machine,
the human heart,
which begins beating
before you're born
and continues
unceasingly until you die.
Inside this miraculous
organ are four chambers,
two auricles and two ventricles.
Now, what do you see?
Chocolate kisses.
This is the most tasteless
thing I have ever seen.
I gave that candy dish to her.
Read the inscription.
"Eat your heart out."
Ah. Yes, look.
This is it?
Well, yes. It's
nice, it's clean.
Looks like a motel for sissies.
Oh. And we're right
next to the gym.
Oh, goody. I wake up
in the middle of the night
dying for a dumbbell,
I'll know where to go.
Come on, unpack... things
are gonna be starting real soon,
and we don't want
to miss anything.
Dr. Burger wants to
welcome you personally,
so he sent me.
MAN (laughing): Oh, I...
You're going to have a very
happy time here, I'm sure.
If you'll just empty
your pockets now.
What?
They want to make sure
we haven't smuggled
in any contraband.
Empty your pockets, come on.
Contraband? Yes, there's
no food allowed in the rooms.
It's, uh, Burger's
first commandment:
"Thou shalt not nibble."
(laughs)
Only, uh, celery and
carrot sticks are allowed.
No food, just lint.
Here, here, what's this?
Oh, that's not food.
Those are cigars, buddy.
Yes, but there's
no smoking here.
These will be given back
to you when you leave.
Yeah, but I'm leaving now.
No. Now, come
on, come on, Oscar.
It's only for two weeks.
Come on, we're
gonna have a ball.
Thank you.
We always win.
Now, your, uh, gym hours
will be 10:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.
Jogging is optional.
Ah!
Dinner will be in, uh,
exactly 18 minutes.
Don't be late.
Boy, they've relaxed
the rules this year.
Jogging optional.
Oh, boy, are we
gonna have a ball.
Got a match?
Aha. Hmm.
What is this?
Yogurt with crushed sesame seed.
Mmm. That's a
fancy hors d'oeuvre.
This isn't an hors d'oeuvre.
This is the main course.
That was dinner?!
I've spilled more
food on my shirts.
This is concentrated
energy food.
Eat a little bit at a time.
That way you feel full.
I would need tweezers.
How do you like that?
They give you nothing to eat,
they serve you a finger bowl.
Take your fingers
out of the soup!
Soup? It's lukewarm water.
With a few necessary
minerals added.
Chicken fat is the
only necessary mineral
needed for soup.
Oh, I don't care
what anybody says,
I can't live on this. I
got to have seconds.
I got to have firsts!
You won't have room for dessert.
I'll rent room.
What do you get for dessert?
Do you get to suck on a balloon?
Dr. Burger is famous for his
"anything you wish" desserts.
Dessert here is mindblowing.
Well, that's more like it.
A guppy couldn't
live on this. Ah!
Ready to order dessert? Yes!
Baked Alaska with
crème Chantilly.
Hey, Felix, that
sounds better than mine.
I'll have that on top of
a hot fudge nut sundae
with a lot of whipped
cream. Oscar.
Crème Chantilly
is whipped cream.
Yeah, but I'm hungry. I'll
have the whipped cream
on top of the whipped cream.
One baked Alaska
with crème Chantilly. Mmm...
One baked Alaska
with crème Chantilly
on a hot fudge sundae
with whipped cream over all.
Would you like nuts on it?
No, thanks.
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
This is Dr. Burger's idea.
To drive us crazy?
So much of eating is for
the mind alone, not the body.
The mere act of going
through the motions,
pretending, satisfies.
Satisfies the guy who
washes the dishes.
What are you doing?
I'm eating my baked Alaska.
Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm.
Oh.
It's a funny farm.
Aren't you going to eat yours?
We got to get out of here.
Mm, mm.
Try a forkful.
Go ahead, you'll see.
Here, you have mine.
Oh, no. No, I couldn't.
Mine is so rich and creamy,
I don't think I'll be able
to finish it.
Don't you want your dessert?
Ooh. Thanks.
Mmm.
Look at this, Felix.
I'm beginning to
believe this nonsense!
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Up! Up! Now let's
try the belly roll.
Come on, come
on. Let's get with it.
Let's go with the belly roll.
On your stomachs, men.
That's it. Arms clasped
behind the back.
And on the count
of one, begin rolling.
One and two and one and two...
You're a pleasure, Unger.
Oscar. Come on!
(snoring) Come
on, Oscar, let's go.
Come on, Oscar. Come
on. Lets go. Let's go.
TRAINER: Oh, good
morning, Dr. Burger.
Oh, a peach of a morning.
Nice to see you again.
Welcome back to our place.
Anything wrong? Well...
Madison here isn't
used to getting up
so early in the morning.
Oh, he will feel that life here
is more, much more,
than a bowl of cherries.
Cherries are fattening.
Oh, you always
was a funny sense...
A crazy sense of
humor. (chuckles)
FELIX: Nearly
time for lights out.
I smell hot pastrami.
Am I going cra... Do
you smell hot pastrami?
Yeah, I do, sure.
Oh, you do smell it.
Yeah. When the
wind's from the east.
What's the east
wind got to do with it?
Max's Delicatessen
is up that way.
Max's Delicatessen? Yeah.
Oh, do they deliver?
We're not even
allowed to talk to them.
I was only kidding. You
know something, Felix?
You said Max's Delicatessen,
it didn't mean that to
me. I guess I'm over it; Ah.
All that health food and
everything. You see?
The psychology's working on you.
That's the way
it... Ah. (buzzing)
Light's out. Burger bedtime.
Not a second too soon.
I am so tired!
I tell you, it's all that
exercise and everything.
Yeah. Well... Good night.
I'll never get used to sleeping
with the Lone Ranger.
Good night, Felix.
Max's Delicatessen.
I think you've got
my salami. Shh!
You've got a roommate.
Shh. Yeah. I thought
you live alone.
Enjoy, enjoy.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
How could you?
How could I what?
You've smuggled in salami,
pickles... corned
beef... potato chips...
beer and a can opener.
How can you smell a can opener?
Oh, Oscar, Oscar.
How did you do it?
Oh, you'd have been proud of me.
I got it at Max's Delicatessen.
I had to sneak
past all the guards
they got on patrol here.
Get rid of that food
at once! I'm going to.
I'll swallow it all in 20
minutes without chewing.
Get it out of here.
Get rid of it. Come on.
Get this food out of here.
I'll give you a karate chop
I learned from Hashimura.
All right.
You leave me no choice.
Hello? This is Mr. Unger
in room 112. Who
are you calling?
I wish to report my roommate.
For gross... oh, gross, gross
violation of Burger's
first commandment,
"Thou shalt not
eat in thy room."
I don't believe
it. That's right.
I'm sorry, Oscar. This
is for your own good.
Now, pack all that food
up, put it back in the bag.
You mean they're going to try
and take that food away from me?
Every crumb. No.
Oscar, Oscar. No. No. No!
No, they're not! All right.
You deserve the
mark of a squealer.
Get him! Get him!
OSCAR: You'll never
take me thin! Never!
Oscar, this is your
best friend talking.
Don't be a fat farm
dropout, Oscar.
Oscar, the guards
are out of the room.
I'm alone here now.
You can trust me.
(Oscar and guards
arguing) Get him! Get him!
Get him!
You dirty squealer.
Oscar, I did it for
your own good.
You really went bananas.
Very serious, very serious.
You are really in a pickle.
Why does he have
to talk like that?
Doctor, I've known
this man a long time.
He's not all bad.
And I've known
this man a long time,
and he's all bad.
Yeah. You will be
given punishment A.
Does that mean I'm kicked
out? I can go home... Oh, no, no.
It doesn't mean that at all.
It means that you
will not get to go
to the movies tomorrow night
You'll get no
unbuttered popcorn,
and if you're caught with
food in your room again,
you'll be expelled
and have nothing left
but your own bad body.
Dismissed.
Boy, are you lucky I was along.
If not for me, you'd be
on your way home now.
What are you doing?
You went to sleep
with the lamp on.
What's that?
Popcorn.
Is it buttered?
No butter, only salt.
Ooh, I love salt. Mmm.
Is it good? Yes,
it is. It's good.
Would you give me some?
Uh-uh, you're being
punished. You can't have any.
But you wouldn't squeal
on me again, would you?
Yes, I would.
Give me some, Felix,
or I'll have to kill you.
You don't get any.
I'll have to throw it away...
Give it to me, Felix. No, no.
Give it to me,
Felix. Give it to me!
Guard! Guard!
What are you packing for?
They didn't kick you out.
I told Burger if
you left, I leave.
What did he say?
He said it was no
skin off his apple.
I wouldn't blame you if
you were mad at me, Oscar.
I don't know, I don't...
I don't know how
I did such a thing.
Turning in my own best friend.
Why should I get mad at you?
You were doing it for my good.
I'm the fool.
No. I'm a fool
for thinking I can change you.
You know what, Felix?
I am going to try to change.
I'm going to try to
eat the right foods.
I'm going try to
do the exercises,
do everything that
you think is right for me.
No. You've got to do things
your way, that's all.
Look, so you'll live 25 years.
I'll only last 20 years.
What's the difference
as long as we'll be happy?
What is it, Felix,
what's the matter?
(weeping): I'll miss you.
Oh, no, no, no!
What are you doing?
Cleaning up.
You're cleaning up?
Cleaning up the icebox.
Oscar, you know
this food is poison.
This food gives me
strength. Strength?
On this kind of strength,
you couldn't do three pushups.
Oh, don't bring up the pushups.
I never was really
good at pushups.
What I'm really a champ
at is, um... arm wrestling.
That's what I'm good
at. Arm wrestling?
I'm great at that. Let's go.
Felix, don't, I'm telling you.
I'm warning you. You count.
All right. I warned you.
One, two, three.