The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 7 - Does Your Mother Know You're Out, Rigoletto? - full transcript

(plays piano)

Uh, we have a kind of a
treat for... for us this afternoon.

We're going to have
an informal audition,

uh, to find the star for
our first operatic production

Highlights From Rigoletto.

(applauding) WOMAN: Wonderful.

So we have for our appraisal

a real plum from
the tree of opera,

a man with a growing
international reputation,

a man who has appeared
with opera groups in Dayton,

in, uh, Poughkeepsie,
in Flint...



And now New York.

Yes.

Signor Murphy.

Thank you, thank you.

Bringing opera to the
world is my mission in life.

Ah. Let's hear
it for his mission.

And I am glad to be among
people of culture and refinement

and sensitivity.

Here, you can use our
platform here as your balcony.

Y-Yes, we did that in Flint.

Maestro.

(playing piano)

(singing "De Viene")

(singing continues)
Hey, Felix...



For me?

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

What are you doing home?

I live here, remember?

This is my opera day, remember?

I forgot, Felix, I'm sorry.

I told you a thousand times.
You never listen to a word...

This is Oscar Madison,
ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, folks, I'm awfully sorry.

Just keep doing
what you're doing.

I'm just going to get
a beer and a shower.

You'll never know I'm here.

I'm awfully sorry.

Love your flowers, thank you.

Doesn't he want to hear me sing?

Of course he does.

Please, please
don't be offended.

Just, just excuse...

We'll have a little
impromptu intermission.

I'll be, I'll be right back.

Just a minute.

Do you know that
you are very rude?

Why? I thanked
him for the flowers.

He's insulted.

He doesn't think
you like his singing.

I don't; I hate opera.

Please, come on in
and listen to him sing.

Why?

Because he's the best
Rigoletto we can get for $300.

I don't want to offend him
and I don't want to lose him.

Felix, I'll laugh.

He's a very funny guy.

I had to bite my tongue when
he handed me the corsage.

You owe him an apology.

Now do this for me, please.

All right, Felix, but I'm
going to laugh, I'm afraid...

Well, here we are, here
we are, here we are,

and he's dying to hear you sing.

(sing-songy): Oh, this is
going to be a treat for you.

Sit right down there.

Maestro.

(piano playing)

(singing "De Viene")

(laughing uncontrollably)

Is he laughing at me?

No, no, no...

I have a little
tickle in my throat.

I'm sorry. My singing
gives you a tickle?

No, no, no, he has a tic. Tic.

Tic. No, I meant to say tic.

Oh, come, we will begin again.

No, not again.

Start from the top, maestro.

Sit right down.

(piano playing)

Please, please, please, please.

(singing "De Viene")

(laughs uncontrollably)

I'm sorry.

You'll apologize to that man

if you have any
ounce of respect...

I didn't mean... Please.

Sir... See, um,
about your sing...

(laughs uncontrollably)

Oh! Oh, no!

Please, Mr. Murphy, please.

Oh!

In one minute, you undid the
work that we put in for months

and months and months
and... I'm sorry, Felix.

I admit it was my fault.

I'll fix it up for you. How?

I'll get you another opera star.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Now I'm laughing.

I'm sure there are many
great voices in your circle.

Who will you get me?

A baritone bookie?

No, a first baseman.

Oh, come on, come on.

No, we got a first baseman
who's a great singer,

a marvelous singer.

Yeah, what's his name?

Dick Fredricks.

Dick Fredricks. Mm-hmm.

Some nerve to take the
name of an opera singer.

(rustles paper)

What's his real name?

That's his real name...
Richard Fredricks.

He is the opera star.

You play ball with
Richard Fredricks

from the New York
City Opera Company?

That's what I just told you.

Why didn't you ever
tell me this before?

I tried to tell you once.

You told me not to
talk with my mouth full.

Well, I wasn't
interested before.

Now... can you get him?

I mean... would
he be interested?

Is he available?

I mean, we're only a
little amateur group.

We only pay $300.

You owe this to me,
Oscar, you owe it to me,

and if you really...
All right, Felix!

I can't tell you anything
till I talk to him, right?

If you get me Richard Fredricks,

I'd be so indebted,
I'd never be able...

How could I pay you back?

Move out?

Felix, you've been
upset all morning.

I'm sorry, I can't help it!

I have personal, I
have artistic problems.

Now, cooperate, girls,
come on, come on.

Now a little bit... Felix Unger.

Yes.

I'd like you to meet my first
baseman Richard Fredricks.

Oh, luck!

Oh, no, oh... oh,
Richard Fredricks.

Oh, oh, Mr. Fredricks,
I'm just... This is...

I-I'm just overwhelmed,
I don't know what to say.

It's such a privilege.

The same for me, Felix,

and why don't you
just call me Dick?

Oh. Dick.

Dick Fredricks, oh! Oh, wow.

Girls, this is Dick
Fredricks, the famous singer!

A real recording artist?

Do you know Tom Jones?

(laughing): I'm sorry,
we've never met.

(chuckling) My name is Oscar.

I know a lot of
TV personalities.

Yes, he knows a retired sailor

who can imitate Wayne Newton.

That's all for now, girls.

Well, d-did you tell
him... Can he do it?

He has, and I can.

Oh, Mr. Fredricks.

I just... Oh, I just...

Oh... (chuckles)

Mr. Fredri... Richard... Dick.

Mr. Dick.

He's got a million
dollar throat.

Oh!

I don't suppose you'd favor us

with one teeny
selection, would you?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, we're going to
be late for batting practice.

Relax, Oscar, relax, I
wouldn't be in this business

if I didn't have a
little bit of ham in me.

Oh, good, good. Now, Felix...

Listen to this. Do
you know the, uh...

"De Provenza"?

(sings "De Provenza")

That's, uh, that's
a very nice voice.

OSCAR: Felix...

he meant on the piano.

Was I being gauche?

No, no, not at all.

Hurry up, will you, Dick?

Come on. Well, look, uh...

I-I'll just, uh, sing
the second verse.

Is that okay? All right.

All right, fine.

Whenever you're ready, maestro.

(plays piano)

(singing "De Provenza")

(singing continues)

(singing continues)

(singing continues)

Bravo! Bravo!

That's right, we got
Richard Fredricks!

Can you imagine
the fantastic luck?

Oh, well, he will not only
be a magnificent Rigoletto,

but he will be
such an inspiration

to all the rest of us, yeah.

Oscar Madison just came home.

Call all the other
members of the group.

Tell them the good news.

We're going to make
amateur opera history.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, what a day!

How'd it go? Oh,
well, we won the game.

Oh, good. Felix, I want
you to sit down and relax...

How can I relax when
I am going to work

with Richard Fredricks?

I'm so excited! That's what
I want to talk to you about.

(sings) There
was a little accident

and I think it was
my fault. What?

The accident... What? What?

Come on in, will you, Dick?

I can't prepare him.

Oh, no.

You broke my Rigoletto.

FELIX: What happened?

It was a pop-up
between home and first...

A pop-up! I lost
Rigoletto to a pop-up?

We both ran for it and we
bumped into each other.

Yeah, it was my
ball, I called for it.

Yeah, well, I didn't hear you.

You didn't hear him?!

You didn't hear this man say...

(sings loudly): I've got it!

Felix, I didn't
do it on purpose.

We got racked up.

Look at that, I...
Well, look my pinky.

I bruised it. Oh, come,
let mommy kiss it.

Why couldn't you
have the broken leg,

let him have a bruised
pinky? Cut it out, Felix!

Oh! I don't have
a Rigoletto now!

All right, I'll get...
What am I going to do?

I'll get you another
one. You'll get me...

You lost me this one, Felix.

(indistinct bickering)

Fellas!

(sings loud, operatic note)

What's the matter?

I just wanted to tell you that
it's not as bad as you think.

You mean... you
can still do Rigoletto?

Well... not exactly. But,
ah, I know what we can do.

You could sing it?

Well, that's what I
can do. You see...

I can still sing the role
while sitting on the side.

All we need now is
somebody to act the part.

That's the answer!

Is Richard a genius,
or am I crazy?

Both!

You know, I heard once...

a story, a famous
story of a singer...

he sang an entire performance
of an opera from the pit,

while on stage the
baritone who'd lost his voice,

his friend, mouthed the
words, moved his lips.

Yeah, that was me, Felix.

That was you? That
was you! Mm-hmm.

Oh, isn't that ridiculous! I
was telling a story. It was him!

Tell it! Tell what
happened! You already did.

Right! Yeah!

Well then, this is perfect,
you've done it before.

Yes. But who will act
the role on the stage?

Is your friend still available?

Oh, that's a
little pushy, Felix.

Why, I'm afraid he's
not available, but, um...

another friend of mine is.

Who? Tell me.

Oscar.

Cut the clowning,
will you, Dick?

Now, wait a minute, Oscar.

You owe me because
you've never come

to a single one of
my performances.

But with you there,

you'll have to
listen to me sing.

How about it, Felix?
What, how about it, Felix?

He's available. I could
rehearse him, constantly.

You're bananas! You
know you're both bananas!

Could he use your
costume? Of course!

Now, no arguments, Oscar.

Now, if you have any
idea about backing out,

just remember one
thing, if you go, I go!

(laughing)

You're putting me on.

What do I know about opera?

The only opera I ever saw
had the Marx Brothers in it!

Come on, I'm so
clumsy. I'll bump into you.

You don't want an
actor who's going to be

falling off the
stage all the time.

No, say something,
Felix! Sit down.

Now, Rigoletto... is
a hunchback dwarf

who works as a court jester.

Wow, you wouldn't
think a guy like that

would go into show business.

(laughing)

Richard, don't!

Don't encourage him!
Don't! Now listen to me.

Now, an old man

has put a curse on
Rigoletto... a father's curse...

Because Rigoletto mocked him
when his daughter was seduced.

And Rigoletto has a
daughter of his own, Gilda,

that nobody knows about...

(Fredricks singing opera)

We are equal.

Me with my tongue.

What's the matter? I
can't hold a note that long!

All you have to do is let
your mouth hang open.

I've seen you
do it eating pizza.

All right. Come on,
let's continue now.

Is everyone okay?
"L'uomo," okay? "L'uomo."

(singing)

With laughter...

With laughter. Yes,
yes. Ha, ha, ha.

Spagna. Spagna... knife.

No, no, no. Spegne.
No, spagne, I think.

I'm sorry, it's spegne. See,
Spagne is, is Spain. Yes, yes.

But, but this is, ah, knife.

Ah, spegne, knife. Yes,
thank you. I learned something.

Yes, very good.
Thank you very much.

Yes.

What are you doing?
I'm smoking a cigar.

Rigoletto doesn't smoke a cigar.

What do dwarfs do for kicks?

Quel vecchio
maledivami. All right?

(singing)

No. It's terror,
you see, it's...

Quel vecchio maledivami...

Why did the old man curse me?

Hey, why did the
old man curse him?

I've told you 85 times,
because you mocked him

when his daughter was
disgraced. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right. All
right, you told me.

We want to see that
superstitious terror of the curse.

The father's curse is on
you, yes. Once again. And...

(singing)

Terror! Terror!

♪ I'd walk a million miles ♪

♪ For one of your smiles. ♪

(whispering):
Oscar... you asleep?

Oscar... you asleep?

Yes.

Good. Don't wake
up, don't wake up!

Thank you.

I've got all the
arias taped here.

That's the best way
to learn anything,

to listen to a tape
recorder during your sleep.

I'm going to
leave it right here.

Don't make a mess. Okay.

This won't bother
you, it's subliminal.

This is sleep teaching.

It's been proved
scientifically with rats.

It will come on in a minute.

Good night, Rigoletto.

♪ Buona notte. ♪

(music plays loudly)

FELIX: Okay, everybody.
Places, places everybody.

Come on, Gilda. Get in the sack.

Ha! Touch of humor.

That's it.

Help her, Sparafucile.

Come on, Oscar, I said places!

OSCAR: There's something
wrong with this costume!

What? What?

It's very hard to
stand up straight in it!

FREDRICKS: That's how
it's supposed to fit, Oscar.

Listen, if I'm ever
recalled to military duty,

I want to wear this to
the induction center.

I can hardly walk in it!

This is perfection
for your part.

Now come on, come on.
Places, come on, come on.

OSCAR: I'm never going
to forgive you for this.

And I'm never going
to forgive you for that.

Oscar, I said, places!

Coming, master. Do not worry.

I will see you in
the laboratory.

Stop the kidding,
Oscar. I'll lose my mind.

Please, I beg of you!
What highlight is this?

This is the scene where
you carry Gilda in your arms.

Come on, come
on, let's... Oh, yeah.

Wow. What are you doing?

Well, I'm testing her weight.

Don't forget this is the
first time I'm actually...

Get in your place!
Please, please, now!

Are you ready, Sparafucile?

I'm a hunchback,
I'm not a weightlifter.

Are you ready,
Richard? All set, maestro.

Ready... ah, maestro!
Ready, Mario?

All right, now...

What? Hunch!

Three bars after...
♪ Buona notte ♪

(plays piano) Give him
the body, give him the body.

(singing)

(lip synching)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not thinking of
the words you're saying.

"Eglie la... morto!"

Here he is, dead!

You see, you think
you've got the duke,

your worst enemy, in your arms.

You don't know it's
your own daughter!

I wish I had a
skinnier daughter!

Three bars after... ♪
Buona notte ♪ Yes.

(plays piano)

(singing) Face out.

(indistinct instruction)

♪ Ma che importa ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Ah, ah, ah, ah.

What were you saying?
Ma che importa? Yes.

Ma che importa, two
words, right? Ah, yes.

But you see, it's-it's
divided there, you see?

The "che" and "ee" are
on the sixteenth note.

Don't you want to slide
them both together...

What? Remember me
with the fat daughter?

Maestro, three bars
after... ♪ Buona notte ♪

He knows already.

(plays piano)

(singing)

♪ Ma che importa ♪
Very good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

What word are you mouthing?

Hernia.

Now, look, Felix, Felix...

Why don't you just let
him kneel beside her,

instead of picking her up?
We do it that way all the time.

I'm sure you do!
I'm the director here.

I want Gilda to be
cradled in Rigoletto's arms.

Well, you better
get me a forklift!

I'm not lifting her
without any assistance!

Now, Felix, be reasonable.

Now, ah, we've all been working
pretty hard, and nobody's complained.

I didn't even mind all that
correction business here,

but now you're being
just a little bit pig-headed.

Oh, pig-headed! OSCAR:
Yeah, let me kneel.

I am the director here, not
Mr. Fredricks! I say you lift!

Uh-huh. Well, I'm
the voice of Rigoletto,

and I say I'm leaving.

Look, I, ah...

I just came here
to do Oscar a favor.

There's nothing that
says that I have to put up

with a dingbat director!

Dingbat? Dingbat!

Is that the way you
talk to your directors

in the New York City
Opera Company?!

This is not the New York
City Opera Company, Felix!

My apologies to the
company, but I... I've had it.

Dingbat?

Come on, Felix. Go after
him, apologize... something.

The director is the boss.

Otherwise you have
nothing but anarchy.

All right, opening night
you won't have anarchy,

but you'll be all
alone in the theater.

Come on, admit it.

You did let your ego get in
the way of your good sense.

You don't contradict
the director

in the presence of
the entire company.

What entire company?
Four people and a fat sack!

Sorry, Rhoda.

If he'd taken me aside,

talked it over confidentially,
we could have...

Yeah, but how could he do that?

He's got a broken leg,
he's doing it for no money,

and then you leaned on him.

You're right.

I'll apologize to him.

I'll kiss his foot...
I'll kiss his throat.

Mr. Fredricks... Ah,
don't say anything.

I apologize. You!
Oh, no, no. I'm...

No, no! I'm sorry.

You're right. You are
the director, and my...

my conduct was unprofessional.

Now, that I have that off my
chest, why don't we get busy?

Maestro, whenever you're ready.

You see?

There's a star!

There's a lesson to us all!

The bigger they are...
the bigger they are.

Now! Places! Now!

I have an idea for you.

Sparafucile...

will lay the body
down on the ground.

Rigoletto will kneel there
and cradle just as I told...

I'll kiss your toes, I'll
kiss your nose. Hunch!

Yes. Three bars after...
♪ Buona notte. ♪

(piano playing)

(singing)

Felix... Very good.

Felix!

Would you sing just one
more aria for us? Yeah, sure.

Ah... Wait a minute!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No more arias, now!

I want you to sing
something in English.

Sing one of my favorites,
all right? All right.

He doesn't know
"Pistol Packin' Momma."

That's not one of his favorites.

That's right, I happen
to have a little class.

"If Ever I Would
Leave You." Ah...

Key of C, if you would, maestro.

Take the beer off the piano.

(plays piano)

♪ If ever I would leave you ♪

♪ It couldn't be in summer ♪

♪ Seeing you in summer
I never would go ♪

♪ Your hair streaked
with sunlight ♪

♪ Your lips red as flames ♪

♪ Your face with a luster ♪

♪ That puts gold to shame ♪

♪ If ever I would leave you ♪
(lip synching)

♪ How could it
be in springtime? ♪

♪ Knowing how in springtime ♪

♪ Bewitched by you so ♪

♪ No, no, not in springtime ♪

♪ Summer, winter or fall ♪

(lip synching) ♪ No,
never could I leave you...

♪ At all... ♪

(song ends)