The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 6 - Murray the Fink - full transcript
Murray complains that after 15 years on the police force, he gets a gold watch. The guys at the regular poker game tease him and tell him he is just too nice. To prove he can be touch, Murray arrests his friends in the poker game.
How do you like that?
15 years on the force,
and I got this to show for it.
A stupid gold watch.
Will you sit down,
and let's play cards?
If you don't like it, you
can bet it in the pot.
Oh, no, that's not nice.
After all, it was a gift.
It looks like a nice watch.
Even got engraving on it.
"To Pinky from Edna?"
Well, they got it in a raid.
FELIX: Surprise!
Surprise! We have
fondue this week
with long forks
and French bread.
Just remember
what fork you take.
Yeah, I got the white one.
Will you forget the
fondue and the forks
and the gold watch and
let's play a little poker?
Will you be a little bit
patient? Well, I'd like to play.
Hey, you know something?
If I was on the vice squad,
I'd have gotten a
Hawaiian vacation.
Oh, Murray, you don't
want to be on the vice squad.
You're too nice. Well, so what?
I got a buddy of mine
that's been on the vice squad
for only three years.
Fondue? It's delicious.
And already he's got a house
in Miami and a new Ferrari.
Will you sit down, Felix,
and ante up for poker? Start.
Come on, let's go.
MURRAY: You know, I got
the worst record on the force.
There are citizens who have
made more arrests than I have.
That's sad. SPEED: You're in.
OSCAR: Ace bets. Ace bets a red.
Can I get some more fondue?
Well, you can't win 'em all
unless you win the first one.
Right, gentlemen?
My career is just
going downhill.
What's the matter with me?
Nothing's the matter with you.
You're never gonna
be a great cop any more
than I'm gonna be Ring Lardner.
You just don't have
the drive, that's all.
You mean, no guts,
huh, Oscar? It's not that.
You're not mean enough.
Oscar, lay off.
I'm just telling him the truth.
Some people don't
like to hear the truth.
Look, wait a minute.
How many cards
does everybody have?
One, Murray.
If you give us one
more, we'll have two.
If you give us
two more, we'll have three.
You understand how it
works now, sweetheart?
What do you want...
Speed or accuracy?
Murray, you're doing
fine. Thanks, Felix.
Deal. In other words,
what you're saying, Oscar,
is that I'm gonna be a
failure for the rest of my life.
Is that right?
Failure's not such
a terrible thing.
You handle it very well.
I don't want to
happen to be a failure.
I want to realize
my full potential.
Well, maybe you've already
realized your full potential.
Oscar, sometimes people
can change, you know.
OSCAR: Not Murray.
Come on, I got
nine cards, Murray.
(muttering)
To be a successful
cop, you got to be tough.
You got to be able to
arrest your own brother,
your own mother.
I mean, you see something
wrong, you arrest, arrest, that's it.
Listen, Oscar, I could be a
tough cop if I wanted to be.
No way. You see something
wrong, you turn the other way,
especially if you knew the guy.
Oh, you think so,
huh? I know so.
OSCAR: You're too sweet, that's all.
MURRAY: Well, I can change, Oscar.
No way, you can't.
I can too change.
I'm telling you, no chance.
Now will you listen
to what I'm telling you?
All right, fellows,
this is a raid!
ANNOUNCER: On November 13,
Felix Unger was
asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down he knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
(theme song playing)
(siren blaring)
Okay, no shouting, no fighting,
no spitting and
no rough language.
There's a girl's boarding
school right next door.
But we're innocent!
The whole thing is a frame-up.
(laughs)
Knock it off. They got a right
to lie the same as you.
You know who should be in here?
Murray the fink
should be in here.
Will you take it easy?
You're making a
spectacle of yourself.
A spectacle? In front
of who, these guys?
Oscar.
Good evening.
I'm Felix Unger,
freelance photographer.
Hi. Freddie Noonan,
freelance pickpocket.
Oh.
Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
Felix Unger.
Oh, it's nice to make your
acquaintance, Sergeant.
Look at this.
He's organizing
a friendship club.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm in jail, and my
pal put me here.
It's your own fault.
You egged him on.
Who egged him on? He was...
You egged him on! You were...
MAN: Shh!
The girls next door
are trying to sleep.
(laughing) It's funny to you?
Yes. What's the big deal?
We'll be out in a few minutes.
We pay a little bit of a
fine, we're on our way.
But we're doing a
great thing for Murray.
The poor guy.
He's so eager to make an arrest.
What do you say, Speed, Vinnie,
we'll go along for
friendship's sake?
Yeah, why not? Yeah, why not?
I don't understand you guys.
Go along, as if
you have a choice.
We're in jail, fellas.
We're behind bars.
Come on, Oscar.
I agree with Felix.
He's absolutely right.
What's... Oh, come on, Speed.
I know he's dying
to make an arrest,
but look, fellows,
who is he taking advantage of?
Us, his best friends.
Well, who else would
let him arrest them,
uh, except his best friends?
That's right. If he
arrested real criminals,
he could get hurt.
Good. Aw.
He didn't even ask us if
we wanted to go to jail.
Well, if he'd asked,
would you have accepted?
No. Well?
See. Aw, it's all screwy.
There are four guys in jail
trying to figure out
how to do a nice thing
for the guy who put us there.
Doesn't that seem
a little incongruous?
I think the whole
thing is incongruous.
Look who I got on my side.
Hey, I know you.
I know you.
I seen you in the papers
in the sports edition.
Come on, who are you, huh?
Willie Mays.
Of course!
So is it agreed?
Yeah.
We plead guilty
for Murray's sake.
Yeah, sure. Come on.
FELIX: Oscar? No,
I'm stilled burned up.
Oh, come on. Come on.
One for all, all for one.
Right. Come on.
All right, just because we've
always done one for all...
Okay, two of you guys can go.
Take me. Me, me,
me, I want to go.
Please, please, me. Hold it!
Vincent Barella and Homer Degan.
That-that's me!
Your name is Homer?
What do you think... when I was
born, my mother named me Speed?
Anyway, you guys
can make bail and go.
Oh, thank you...
Congratulations, Homer.
Okay. You're...
Madison. Madison.
And Unger. I'm Unger, yes.
You stay.
Why? Why?
You were running the
game. Who told you that?
The arresting officer,
Murray Greshler.
How about that... the arresting
officer, Murray Greshler!
Did you hear what he did?
We'll be out in a little while.
Didn't you hear what he said?
We're now in for running a
game. We could get 30 days.
Oh, no. A couple of
hours, that's all. You'll see.
What are you talking
about? We've already been...
And look at this.
Somebody stole my watch.
I was holding it for you.
Lot of thieves in here.
Hey, look at this.
"Remember three little words,
and you'll always have money.
Stick 'em up!"
"Burt Lancaster was too short.
Signed, Birdman of Alcatraz."
"He took my case,
he took my cash,
now I'm in jail with
a nervous rash."
"So do not hire Attorney
J. Martin Ekworth."
"Don't waste your one call.
"Call Judy Kellin,
Butterfield-9...
She delivers!"
(laughing)
How can you be so cheerful?
I don't know, gallows humor.
I thought you'd be
out of your head...
In a cell, dirty, smelly...
I don't mind the dirt.
I'm buoyed up by the knowledge
that I'm doing something
for my fellow man, Murray.
Baloney.
And this is a new experience.
It should be very, very
valuable to you as a writer.
Everybody should have
to spend one night in jail.
Then we'd know how
the other half lives.
Just think of it, Oscar.
We're part of this for
the first times in our lives.
Gee, just imagine,
upstairs I'll bet
there are lifers in solitary.
And on death row, a
man sits in his cell...
and waits for the final moment.
Governor's reprieve.
(deep bass): ♪ Going home ♪
♪ Going home ♪
♪ I am going home. ♪
♪ Going home, going home... ♪
(yelling): I want out of here!
♪ Your time is my time ♪
♪ My time is your time ♪
Oh, stop with the gallows humor!
I'm starved.
I am, too.
I should have
brought the fondue.
Hey, guard!
What are you doing? Guard!
I'm hungry. I want some food.
You won't get it.
We had dinner at 6:00.
There won't be food till
5:30 tomorrow morning.
Then we get the tomato surprise.
Tomato surprise?
Yeah. Oatmeal with nuts in it.
Where's the tomato?
There ain't no tomato.
That's the surprise.
That's the surprise.
Yeah, uh, we're kind of hungry.
We'd like some food.
What would you like?
Well, I'd like a steak sandwich.
That sounds good.
French fries for me.
Two steak sandwiches,
French fries... Freddie?
No, nothing for me.
Bring me four martinis.
I'm expecting guests.
Just the two steak sandwiches.
One with french fries.
I'll tell you, the
kitchen is closed
right at the moment.
You see, the, uh...
chef doesn't get out
of solitary until 5:15.
Amateurs.
Hey, Oscar... Oscar... (laughs)
What's so funny now?
Listen, if we should have
to stay here overnight,
what do you want... the
upper or the lower? The upper.
So I can step on your face
when I wake up in the morning.
You're just tired.
Come here, come here.
What do you want?
You know when I made
my one phone call before?
You know whom I
called? Your mother.
No. I called Murray's wife.
Oh, I wish you
could have heard her.
She nearly cried.
She was so proud of him
for making an arrest, yeah.
I got all choked up myself.
Isn't that terrific?
Murray! Hi, boys.
It's okay. You can
let me in here alone.
I know these guys.
Murray, you're in civvies!
They made you a plainclothesman!
No, not yet, Felix.
But tonight's my big night.
I'm taking the little woman out.
Now?
Oh, the night's still young
and I'm going to celebrate.
Celebrate?!
Yeah. Listen,
where's a really
nice place to go?
In other words,
if you were free,
where would you go?
For your throat.
Watch it.
You're speaking to a
police officer, Madison.
Felix, it was awfully
nice of you to call my wife.
Aw... She just appreciated it...
When are you going
to get us out of here?!
Well, I really don't know that.
You got a serious
charge facing you...
Running a game.
You're in a lot
of trouble, Oscar.
Hey, Murray, you think I'm
going to let you get away with this?
Are you crazy?
My captain really likes me.
Ahh... He patted me on the back.
He said, "Murray, I
like what you're doing.
What you're doing is good."
You know they've been looking
for you guys for a long time?
Felix, come here.
Please, come here.
Come here, quick!
What? Hold me back!
They knew there was
gambling in the area,
but they couldn't
put their finger on it.
Until I broke the case.
I'll kill you... (yelling)
All right, break it up.
What's your name, con?
Oscar Madison.
I'm surprised at you, Oscar.
Madison, we were going
to let you and Unger out,
but assaulting an
officer, now that's big stuff.
Unger, you can go.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I can do much more
for you on the outside.
Call my lawyer. Call my lawyer.
Who is your lawyer?
Anybody but J. Martin Ekworth.
Don't worry about a thing.
I'm on the ball. I'll
get you out of here.
I know you will, Felix.
I know, you're my friend, Felix.
You'll get me out
and when you do,
I'll take care of that Murray.
I'll take care of him!
What is it, buddy, what?
You know all the places.
I'm taking Murray
and his wife to dinner.
Where should we go?
(snoring softly)
You got five minutes.
Morning, Oscar.
Morning.
Rub the sandman
out of your eyes.
You brought me something to eat?
Yeah, from the
restaurant last night.
A doggie bag?
Bon appétit.
Oh, it's such a
beautiful morning.
The sun's shining,
the birds are singing.
Did you sleep well?
No, I just fell asleep.
All morning the girls next
door were singing "Born Free."
I gotta get out of here, Felix.
Take it easy.
We all have to appear
in Night Court tonight.
You mean I got to spend the rest
of the day here? I'm afraid so.
Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.
My name is... J. B.
Darlington and I, uh,
I've got to call my factory.
Uh, do you have a dime?
You see we're involved
in a top secret project
and my presence there
is absolutely necessary.
(whispering): Who is this?
You remember last night.
It was a terrible mistake.
They're arresting everybody.
Would you believe it... they
had Willie Mays in here last night?
And he has a
beautiful singing voice.
I can't help you.
Aren't you his attorney?
Oh, no. No, he's
a freelance friend.
Oh, sorry.
Ciao.
Oh, Felix, I made up my mind.
I'm not going to let
him get away with it.
(laughing) I'm not going to
let Murray get away with this.
The fine will be peanuts.
I'll pay it for you,
if it'll make you
feel any better.
It's not the money, Felix.
It's the principle.
Did you see that monster
when he came in here?
"Oh, the Captain
patted me on the back."
He said to me, "You're
doing good work.
Keep up the good work!"
I'd break his nose, but
I've only got two hands.
We can help his career
with these four convictions.
Why don't we give
his career a big boost
and let him hang me.
No, sir, Felix.
I'm going to get him and I
know exactly how. What?
I'll show you.
Officer! Officer!
I'm allowed one phone
call, I want to make it now.
You want to call Judy Kellin...
She's got a new number.
Don't let it happen
again, Miss Kellin.
Case dismissed.
Frederick Noonan,
step forward, please.
Oh, hi, Freddie.
What is it this time?
He's accused of petty
theft, Your Honor. Petty?!
That was a 12-jewel Swiss watch.
30 days or a hundred dollars.
Can't we discuss a bribe?
Take him away.
J.B. Darlington.
Just a minute.
Let me read this arrest report.
So?
So?
Gonna pay the ten dollars?
Quiet, stoolie, if
I fry, he's gonna
fry with me... I got the
evidence right here to prove it.
What have you got? Never mind.
Oh, Officer Murray, did you
lock up any orphans today?
I'm sorry, Oscar, but
you got out of hand.
I'm no toy cop anymore.
We made a Frankenstein!
Let him enjoy his moment.
I'll suspend sentence.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Oscar Madison, et al.
Gambling, Your Honor.
How do you plead? Guilty.
Guilty. Guilty.
Not guilty with
extenuating circumstances.
There's no such thing.
You can only be guilty with
extenuating circumstances.
Yeah, but I'm gonna
set a precedent.
Are you an attorney?
No, no, I'm a
sportswriter, Your Honor.
Oh, boy.
OSCAR: May I say
something, Your Honor?
Don't "Your Honor" me.
Your Honors work from
10:00 to 4:00 in the afternoon
with two hours for lunch.
I'm just a night
court magistrate.
Okay, Your Magistrate.
This is a bum rap.
We were framed by
that cop over there.
He was playing in the same
game, and I can prove it.
Here. Exhibit A.
The cigar he was smoking
last night in the game.
Here.
A fondue fork with
his fingerprints on it.
And here is a picture of him
scooping in the biggest
pot of 1967, huh?
MAGISTRATE: These
are very serious charges,
Mr. Madison.
If, as you say, the officer
was gambling while on duty
and is trying to present
a fraudulent case here,
this could lead to charges
being brought against him.
Excuse me, Your Honor.
What do you want?
I'm Felix Unger.
I-I'd like to represent
the arresting officer.
Are you an attorney?
I'm a freelance photographer.
Oh, boy.
I'd like to cross-examine
this witness.
He's not a witness,
he's the accused.
And Officer Greshler is
not on trial here tonight.
Yeah, go sit down,
will you, Felix?
Officer Greshler's
reputation is at stake.
I request permission
to question this man.
Well, this is highly
irregular, but if it'll help, okay.
Take the stand.
What are you trying
to do? Take the stand.
Will you sit down, please?
FELIX: Officer Greshler.
Your Honor.
State your name, please.
Willie Mays.
We have a hostile
witness, Your Honor.
MAGISTRATE: Answer the question.
Oscar Madison.
Now, Mr. Madison,
where were you on the
evening of October 18 of this year
at approximately 7:30 p.m.?
October 18...
(quietly): Sit up straight!
Last night. Don't stall. You
know what I'm talking about.
I was with you, and
them and him. Aha!
Aha?
And what were you doing?
Gambling. Aha!
Again aha.
That's already been
established, Mr. Unger.
That's what he was arrested for.
Yes, I know that, Your Honor.
I'm merely trying to
defile his character a little.
I will now refute the evidence,
if it pleases the court.
It doesn't, but go ahead.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I will proceed to exhibit A,
the so-called cigar butt!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
This is not Officer
Greshler's cigar butt.
It is the property
of the witness!
You're crazy... it's his.
It has hot mustard on it.
So what?
"Sew" buttons!
So buttons?
Your Honor, we were all
eating fondue last night,
all except this man, who had
knockwurst with hot mustard on it.
Smell this. I'd rather not.
Throw it... throw it
in the wastebasket.
This is exhibit
A. I know, I know.
I'll take your word for
it... just throw it away.
All right, Your Honor.
I will now proceed to exhibit B,
the famed fondue fork!
The court will
note it has a red tip.
Duly noted.
FELIX: My tip was purple.
Speed's tip was...
Yellow. Yellow!
Vinnie's tip was
Light blue. Light blue.
And Officer Greshler's tip
was white. White.
The red-tipped fork
was not used during the game.
This is a fraudulent
fondue fork.
What about the photograph
showing him playing
along with us?
Aha!
I'd like to "aha" you... I
took that picture myself.
So what does that prove?
I suspect that Officer Greshler
is an undercover
agent for the vice squad.
(whispers): I am?
For nine years?!
Nine years? Nine
years? Nine years?
Yes! He's a patient man.
Oh, this is a Kangaroo
Court, and you're a kangaroo!
Can't we recess for lunch?
At midnight?
Don't fall for his cheap
tricks, Your Majesty...
Your Honor.
I will now proceed
with the pertinent
facts in the case.
Do you recall, Mr. Madison,
a trip to California,
oh, a few years ago?
That's a pertinent fact?
Will the court instruct the
witness to answer the question?
Answer the question.
He didn't ask any question.
Does the name
Disneyland ring a bell?
Disneyland. Sure, I
went to Disneyland,
with millions of other
people. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What are you getting at? This!
Do you or do you not
have beside your bed
a stolen Mickey Mouse ashtray?
No!
Remember, you're under oath.
It's a Pluto ashtray!
Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(growls): Ah...
I don't follow your line of
questioning, Counselor.
Counsel is merely
seeking to establish
the true character
of the witness
and to discredit
his reliability.
I have refuted all the evidence.
All that remains of this case
is his word against
Officer Greshler's.
And whom are we to believe?
This kind, wise
bastion of our society...
or this hooligan?
Gambler.
Pilferer.
Divorcé.
(shouts): J'accuse...
le dit Madison!
(excited shouts, clapping)
Outstanding, Felix!
Hey, hold it, wait, wait a minute,
Your Honor, wait a minute.
Felix, I appreciate what
you tried to do for me but...
but Oscar's right.
Your Honor...
I'm the guilty one.
I turned in my own friends.
I'm not a kind, wise
bastion of society.
I'm just a cop who got
too big for his uniform.
I don't belong on the
force. Oh, Murray...
I'm turning in my badge.
No, Murray. No, no.
I didn't know he was
crazy enough to quit.
Do you realize what
you've just done, Officer?
There could be
severe penalties
for such actions.
(all talking) Murray,
Murray, don't...
(gavel banging) Order in
the court! Order in the court!
MAGISTRATE: Sit down, Madison!
You're not supposed to say that.
I'm the only one
allowed to say that.
I'm sorry, Your Honor,
I just want to say that...
well, I guess I did
act a little hasty.
See, I got all steamed
up when he ratted on us,
but I want to withdraw
everything I said.
Order! Order! It's not as if he
came as a minion of the law.
He was there out
of human weakness,
frailty, just the compulsion
to toss nickels and dimes
into the pot, that's all.
Nickels and dimes?!
Do you mean to say you've
been stalling justice in this court
at midnight for a lousy
nickel-and-dime poker game?
Well, you see, Your Honor,
things got out of hand...
Case dismissed!
Take your badge and
your screwball friends
and get out of my courtroom!
(excited chatter)
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, Your Honor!
Oh, Oscar... I'm so
proud of you, really!
The way you reversed yourself,
I know that means you
had to swallow your pride.
I'm proud of you.
You're not mad at me, are you?
I did what I felt I had to do
in the best interests
of my client.
Thanks.
I'm gonna to fondue your face!
Will you look at this!
You've been home five minutes,
already the place looks like...
like an explosion
in a delicatessen.
Take your feet off there!
You got ashes
all over everything.
You've got a nice,
clean beautiful home.
Don't you appreciate it?
Didn't you learn anything
in that vile prison?
Just one thing.
What?
Here's your watch.
15 years on the force,
and I got this to show for it.
A stupid gold watch.
Will you sit down,
and let's play cards?
If you don't like it, you
can bet it in the pot.
Oh, no, that's not nice.
After all, it was a gift.
It looks like a nice watch.
Even got engraving on it.
"To Pinky from Edna?"
Well, they got it in a raid.
FELIX: Surprise!
Surprise! We have
fondue this week
with long forks
and French bread.
Just remember
what fork you take.
Yeah, I got the white one.
Will you forget the
fondue and the forks
and the gold watch and
let's play a little poker?
Will you be a little bit
patient? Well, I'd like to play.
Hey, you know something?
If I was on the vice squad,
I'd have gotten a
Hawaiian vacation.
Oh, Murray, you don't
want to be on the vice squad.
You're too nice. Well, so what?
I got a buddy of mine
that's been on the vice squad
for only three years.
Fondue? It's delicious.
And already he's got a house
in Miami and a new Ferrari.
Will you sit down, Felix,
and ante up for poker? Start.
Come on, let's go.
MURRAY: You know, I got
the worst record on the force.
There are citizens who have
made more arrests than I have.
That's sad. SPEED: You're in.
OSCAR: Ace bets. Ace bets a red.
Can I get some more fondue?
Well, you can't win 'em all
unless you win the first one.
Right, gentlemen?
My career is just
going downhill.
What's the matter with me?
Nothing's the matter with you.
You're never gonna
be a great cop any more
than I'm gonna be Ring Lardner.
You just don't have
the drive, that's all.
You mean, no guts,
huh, Oscar? It's not that.
You're not mean enough.
Oscar, lay off.
I'm just telling him the truth.
Some people don't
like to hear the truth.
Look, wait a minute.
How many cards
does everybody have?
One, Murray.
If you give us one
more, we'll have two.
If you give us
two more, we'll have three.
You understand how it
works now, sweetheart?
What do you want...
Speed or accuracy?
Murray, you're doing
fine. Thanks, Felix.
Deal. In other words,
what you're saying, Oscar,
is that I'm gonna be a
failure for the rest of my life.
Is that right?
Failure's not such
a terrible thing.
You handle it very well.
I don't want to
happen to be a failure.
I want to realize
my full potential.
Well, maybe you've already
realized your full potential.
Oscar, sometimes people
can change, you know.
OSCAR: Not Murray.
Come on, I got
nine cards, Murray.
(muttering)
To be a successful
cop, you got to be tough.
You got to be able to
arrest your own brother,
your own mother.
I mean, you see something
wrong, you arrest, arrest, that's it.
Listen, Oscar, I could be a
tough cop if I wanted to be.
No way. You see something
wrong, you turn the other way,
especially if you knew the guy.
Oh, you think so,
huh? I know so.
OSCAR: You're too sweet, that's all.
MURRAY: Well, I can change, Oscar.
No way, you can't.
I can too change.
I'm telling you, no chance.
Now will you listen
to what I'm telling you?
All right, fellows,
this is a raid!
ANNOUNCER: On November 13,
Felix Unger was
asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down he knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
(theme song playing)
(siren blaring)
Okay, no shouting, no fighting,
no spitting and
no rough language.
There's a girl's boarding
school right next door.
But we're innocent!
The whole thing is a frame-up.
(laughs)
Knock it off. They got a right
to lie the same as you.
You know who should be in here?
Murray the fink
should be in here.
Will you take it easy?
You're making a
spectacle of yourself.
A spectacle? In front
of who, these guys?
Oscar.
Good evening.
I'm Felix Unger,
freelance photographer.
Hi. Freddie Noonan,
freelance pickpocket.
Oh.
Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
Felix Unger.
Oh, it's nice to make your
acquaintance, Sergeant.
Look at this.
He's organizing
a friendship club.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm in jail, and my
pal put me here.
It's your own fault.
You egged him on.
Who egged him on? He was...
You egged him on! You were...
MAN: Shh!
The girls next door
are trying to sleep.
(laughing) It's funny to you?
Yes. What's the big deal?
We'll be out in a few minutes.
We pay a little bit of a
fine, we're on our way.
But we're doing a
great thing for Murray.
The poor guy.
He's so eager to make an arrest.
What do you say, Speed, Vinnie,
we'll go along for
friendship's sake?
Yeah, why not? Yeah, why not?
I don't understand you guys.
Go along, as if
you have a choice.
We're in jail, fellas.
We're behind bars.
Come on, Oscar.
I agree with Felix.
He's absolutely right.
What's... Oh, come on, Speed.
I know he's dying
to make an arrest,
but look, fellows,
who is he taking advantage of?
Us, his best friends.
Well, who else would
let him arrest them,
uh, except his best friends?
That's right. If he
arrested real criminals,
he could get hurt.
Good. Aw.
He didn't even ask us if
we wanted to go to jail.
Well, if he'd asked,
would you have accepted?
No. Well?
See. Aw, it's all screwy.
There are four guys in jail
trying to figure out
how to do a nice thing
for the guy who put us there.
Doesn't that seem
a little incongruous?
I think the whole
thing is incongruous.
Look who I got on my side.
Hey, I know you.
I know you.
I seen you in the papers
in the sports edition.
Come on, who are you, huh?
Willie Mays.
Of course!
So is it agreed?
Yeah.
We plead guilty
for Murray's sake.
Yeah, sure. Come on.
FELIX: Oscar? No,
I'm stilled burned up.
Oh, come on. Come on.
One for all, all for one.
Right. Come on.
All right, just because we've
always done one for all...
Okay, two of you guys can go.
Take me. Me, me,
me, I want to go.
Please, please, me. Hold it!
Vincent Barella and Homer Degan.
That-that's me!
Your name is Homer?
What do you think... when I was
born, my mother named me Speed?
Anyway, you guys
can make bail and go.
Oh, thank you...
Congratulations, Homer.
Okay. You're...
Madison. Madison.
And Unger. I'm Unger, yes.
You stay.
Why? Why?
You were running the
game. Who told you that?
The arresting officer,
Murray Greshler.
How about that... the arresting
officer, Murray Greshler!
Did you hear what he did?
We'll be out in a little while.
Didn't you hear what he said?
We're now in for running a
game. We could get 30 days.
Oh, no. A couple of
hours, that's all. You'll see.
What are you talking
about? We've already been...
And look at this.
Somebody stole my watch.
I was holding it for you.
Lot of thieves in here.
Hey, look at this.
"Remember three little words,
and you'll always have money.
Stick 'em up!"
"Burt Lancaster was too short.
Signed, Birdman of Alcatraz."
"He took my case,
he took my cash,
now I'm in jail with
a nervous rash."
"So do not hire Attorney
J. Martin Ekworth."
"Don't waste your one call.
"Call Judy Kellin,
Butterfield-9...
She delivers!"
(laughing)
How can you be so cheerful?
I don't know, gallows humor.
I thought you'd be
out of your head...
In a cell, dirty, smelly...
I don't mind the dirt.
I'm buoyed up by the knowledge
that I'm doing something
for my fellow man, Murray.
Baloney.
And this is a new experience.
It should be very, very
valuable to you as a writer.
Everybody should have
to spend one night in jail.
Then we'd know how
the other half lives.
Just think of it, Oscar.
We're part of this for
the first times in our lives.
Gee, just imagine,
upstairs I'll bet
there are lifers in solitary.
And on death row, a
man sits in his cell...
and waits for the final moment.
Governor's reprieve.
(deep bass): ♪ Going home ♪
♪ Going home ♪
♪ I am going home. ♪
♪ Going home, going home... ♪
(yelling): I want out of here!
♪ Your time is my time ♪
♪ My time is your time ♪
Oh, stop with the gallows humor!
I'm starved.
I am, too.
I should have
brought the fondue.
Hey, guard!
What are you doing? Guard!
I'm hungry. I want some food.
You won't get it.
We had dinner at 6:00.
There won't be food till
5:30 tomorrow morning.
Then we get the tomato surprise.
Tomato surprise?
Yeah. Oatmeal with nuts in it.
Where's the tomato?
There ain't no tomato.
That's the surprise.
That's the surprise.
Yeah, uh, we're kind of hungry.
We'd like some food.
What would you like?
Well, I'd like a steak sandwich.
That sounds good.
French fries for me.
Two steak sandwiches,
French fries... Freddie?
No, nothing for me.
Bring me four martinis.
I'm expecting guests.
Just the two steak sandwiches.
One with french fries.
I'll tell you, the
kitchen is closed
right at the moment.
You see, the, uh...
chef doesn't get out
of solitary until 5:15.
Amateurs.
Hey, Oscar... Oscar... (laughs)
What's so funny now?
Listen, if we should have
to stay here overnight,
what do you want... the
upper or the lower? The upper.
So I can step on your face
when I wake up in the morning.
You're just tired.
Come here, come here.
What do you want?
You know when I made
my one phone call before?
You know whom I
called? Your mother.
No. I called Murray's wife.
Oh, I wish you
could have heard her.
She nearly cried.
She was so proud of him
for making an arrest, yeah.
I got all choked up myself.
Isn't that terrific?
Murray! Hi, boys.
It's okay. You can
let me in here alone.
I know these guys.
Murray, you're in civvies!
They made you a plainclothesman!
No, not yet, Felix.
But tonight's my big night.
I'm taking the little woman out.
Now?
Oh, the night's still young
and I'm going to celebrate.
Celebrate?!
Yeah. Listen,
where's a really
nice place to go?
In other words,
if you were free,
where would you go?
For your throat.
Watch it.
You're speaking to a
police officer, Madison.
Felix, it was awfully
nice of you to call my wife.
Aw... She just appreciated it...
When are you going
to get us out of here?!
Well, I really don't know that.
You got a serious
charge facing you...
Running a game.
You're in a lot
of trouble, Oscar.
Hey, Murray, you think I'm
going to let you get away with this?
Are you crazy?
My captain really likes me.
Ahh... He patted me on the back.
He said, "Murray, I
like what you're doing.
What you're doing is good."
You know they've been looking
for you guys for a long time?
Felix, come here.
Please, come here.
Come here, quick!
What? Hold me back!
They knew there was
gambling in the area,
but they couldn't
put their finger on it.
Until I broke the case.
I'll kill you... (yelling)
All right, break it up.
What's your name, con?
Oscar Madison.
I'm surprised at you, Oscar.
Madison, we were going
to let you and Unger out,
but assaulting an
officer, now that's big stuff.
Unger, you can go.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I can do much more
for you on the outside.
Call my lawyer. Call my lawyer.
Who is your lawyer?
Anybody but J. Martin Ekworth.
Don't worry about a thing.
I'm on the ball. I'll
get you out of here.
I know you will, Felix.
I know, you're my friend, Felix.
You'll get me out
and when you do,
I'll take care of that Murray.
I'll take care of him!
What is it, buddy, what?
You know all the places.
I'm taking Murray
and his wife to dinner.
Where should we go?
(snoring softly)
You got five minutes.
Morning, Oscar.
Morning.
Rub the sandman
out of your eyes.
You brought me something to eat?
Yeah, from the
restaurant last night.
A doggie bag?
Bon appétit.
Oh, it's such a
beautiful morning.
The sun's shining,
the birds are singing.
Did you sleep well?
No, I just fell asleep.
All morning the girls next
door were singing "Born Free."
I gotta get out of here, Felix.
Take it easy.
We all have to appear
in Night Court tonight.
You mean I got to spend the rest
of the day here? I'm afraid so.
Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.
My name is... J. B.
Darlington and I, uh,
I've got to call my factory.
Uh, do you have a dime?
You see we're involved
in a top secret project
and my presence there
is absolutely necessary.
(whispering): Who is this?
You remember last night.
It was a terrible mistake.
They're arresting everybody.
Would you believe it... they
had Willie Mays in here last night?
And he has a
beautiful singing voice.
I can't help you.
Aren't you his attorney?
Oh, no. No, he's
a freelance friend.
Oh, sorry.
Ciao.
Oh, Felix, I made up my mind.
I'm not going to let
him get away with it.
(laughing) I'm not going to
let Murray get away with this.
The fine will be peanuts.
I'll pay it for you,
if it'll make you
feel any better.
It's not the money, Felix.
It's the principle.
Did you see that monster
when he came in here?
"Oh, the Captain
patted me on the back."
He said to me, "You're
doing good work.
Keep up the good work!"
I'd break his nose, but
I've only got two hands.
We can help his career
with these four convictions.
Why don't we give
his career a big boost
and let him hang me.
No, sir, Felix.
I'm going to get him and I
know exactly how. What?
I'll show you.
Officer! Officer!
I'm allowed one phone
call, I want to make it now.
You want to call Judy Kellin...
She's got a new number.
Don't let it happen
again, Miss Kellin.
Case dismissed.
Frederick Noonan,
step forward, please.
Oh, hi, Freddie.
What is it this time?
He's accused of petty
theft, Your Honor. Petty?!
That was a 12-jewel Swiss watch.
30 days or a hundred dollars.
Can't we discuss a bribe?
Take him away.
J.B. Darlington.
Just a minute.
Let me read this arrest report.
So?
So?
Gonna pay the ten dollars?
Quiet, stoolie, if
I fry, he's gonna
fry with me... I got the
evidence right here to prove it.
What have you got? Never mind.
Oh, Officer Murray, did you
lock up any orphans today?
I'm sorry, Oscar, but
you got out of hand.
I'm no toy cop anymore.
We made a Frankenstein!
Let him enjoy his moment.
I'll suspend sentence.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Oscar Madison, et al.
Gambling, Your Honor.
How do you plead? Guilty.
Guilty. Guilty.
Not guilty with
extenuating circumstances.
There's no such thing.
You can only be guilty with
extenuating circumstances.
Yeah, but I'm gonna
set a precedent.
Are you an attorney?
No, no, I'm a
sportswriter, Your Honor.
Oh, boy.
OSCAR: May I say
something, Your Honor?
Don't "Your Honor" me.
Your Honors work from
10:00 to 4:00 in the afternoon
with two hours for lunch.
I'm just a night
court magistrate.
Okay, Your Magistrate.
This is a bum rap.
We were framed by
that cop over there.
He was playing in the same
game, and I can prove it.
Here. Exhibit A.
The cigar he was smoking
last night in the game.
Here.
A fondue fork with
his fingerprints on it.
And here is a picture of him
scooping in the biggest
pot of 1967, huh?
MAGISTRATE: These
are very serious charges,
Mr. Madison.
If, as you say, the officer
was gambling while on duty
and is trying to present
a fraudulent case here,
this could lead to charges
being brought against him.
Excuse me, Your Honor.
What do you want?
I'm Felix Unger.
I-I'd like to represent
the arresting officer.
Are you an attorney?
I'm a freelance photographer.
Oh, boy.
I'd like to cross-examine
this witness.
He's not a witness,
he's the accused.
And Officer Greshler is
not on trial here tonight.
Yeah, go sit down,
will you, Felix?
Officer Greshler's
reputation is at stake.
I request permission
to question this man.
Well, this is highly
irregular, but if it'll help, okay.
Take the stand.
What are you trying
to do? Take the stand.
Will you sit down, please?
FELIX: Officer Greshler.
Your Honor.
State your name, please.
Willie Mays.
We have a hostile
witness, Your Honor.
MAGISTRATE: Answer the question.
Oscar Madison.
Now, Mr. Madison,
where were you on the
evening of October 18 of this year
at approximately 7:30 p.m.?
October 18...
(quietly): Sit up straight!
Last night. Don't stall. You
know what I'm talking about.
I was with you, and
them and him. Aha!
Aha?
And what were you doing?
Gambling. Aha!
Again aha.
That's already been
established, Mr. Unger.
That's what he was arrested for.
Yes, I know that, Your Honor.
I'm merely trying to
defile his character a little.
I will now refute the evidence,
if it pleases the court.
It doesn't, but go ahead.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I will proceed to exhibit A,
the so-called cigar butt!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
This is not Officer
Greshler's cigar butt.
It is the property
of the witness!
You're crazy... it's his.
It has hot mustard on it.
So what?
"Sew" buttons!
So buttons?
Your Honor, we were all
eating fondue last night,
all except this man, who had
knockwurst with hot mustard on it.
Smell this. I'd rather not.
Throw it... throw it
in the wastebasket.
This is exhibit
A. I know, I know.
I'll take your word for
it... just throw it away.
All right, Your Honor.
I will now proceed to exhibit B,
the famed fondue fork!
The court will
note it has a red tip.
Duly noted.
FELIX: My tip was purple.
Speed's tip was...
Yellow. Yellow!
Vinnie's tip was
Light blue. Light blue.
And Officer Greshler's tip
was white. White.
The red-tipped fork
was not used during the game.
This is a fraudulent
fondue fork.
What about the photograph
showing him playing
along with us?
Aha!
I'd like to "aha" you... I
took that picture myself.
So what does that prove?
I suspect that Officer Greshler
is an undercover
agent for the vice squad.
(whispers): I am?
For nine years?!
Nine years? Nine
years? Nine years?
Yes! He's a patient man.
Oh, this is a Kangaroo
Court, and you're a kangaroo!
Can't we recess for lunch?
At midnight?
Don't fall for his cheap
tricks, Your Majesty...
Your Honor.
I will now proceed
with the pertinent
facts in the case.
Do you recall, Mr. Madison,
a trip to California,
oh, a few years ago?
That's a pertinent fact?
Will the court instruct the
witness to answer the question?
Answer the question.
He didn't ask any question.
Does the name
Disneyland ring a bell?
Disneyland. Sure, I
went to Disneyland,
with millions of other
people. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What are you getting at? This!
Do you or do you not
have beside your bed
a stolen Mickey Mouse ashtray?
No!
Remember, you're under oath.
It's a Pluto ashtray!
Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(growls): Ah...
I don't follow your line of
questioning, Counselor.
Counsel is merely
seeking to establish
the true character
of the witness
and to discredit
his reliability.
I have refuted all the evidence.
All that remains of this case
is his word against
Officer Greshler's.
And whom are we to believe?
This kind, wise
bastion of our society...
or this hooligan?
Gambler.
Pilferer.
Divorcé.
(shouts): J'accuse...
le dit Madison!
(excited shouts, clapping)
Outstanding, Felix!
Hey, hold it, wait, wait a minute,
Your Honor, wait a minute.
Felix, I appreciate what
you tried to do for me but...
but Oscar's right.
Your Honor...
I'm the guilty one.
I turned in my own friends.
I'm not a kind, wise
bastion of society.
I'm just a cop who got
too big for his uniform.
I don't belong on the
force. Oh, Murray...
I'm turning in my badge.
No, Murray. No, no.
I didn't know he was
crazy enough to quit.
Do you realize what
you've just done, Officer?
There could be
severe penalties
for such actions.
(all talking) Murray,
Murray, don't...
(gavel banging) Order in
the court! Order in the court!
MAGISTRATE: Sit down, Madison!
You're not supposed to say that.
I'm the only one
allowed to say that.
I'm sorry, Your Honor,
I just want to say that...
well, I guess I did
act a little hasty.
See, I got all steamed
up when he ratted on us,
but I want to withdraw
everything I said.
Order! Order! It's not as if he
came as a minion of the law.
He was there out
of human weakness,
frailty, just the compulsion
to toss nickels and dimes
into the pot, that's all.
Nickels and dimes?!
Do you mean to say you've
been stalling justice in this court
at midnight for a lousy
nickel-and-dime poker game?
Well, you see, Your Honor,
things got out of hand...
Case dismissed!
Take your badge and
your screwball friends
and get out of my courtroom!
(excited chatter)
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, Your Honor!
Oh, Oscar... I'm so
proud of you, really!
The way you reversed yourself,
I know that means you
had to swallow your pride.
I'm proud of you.
You're not mad at me, are you?
I did what I felt I had to do
in the best interests
of my client.
Thanks.
I'm gonna to fondue your face!
Will you look at this!
You've been home five minutes,
already the place looks like...
like an explosion
in a delicatessen.
Take your feet off there!
You got ashes
all over everything.
You've got a nice,
clean beautiful home.
Don't you appreciate it?
Didn't you learn anything
in that vile prison?
Just one thing.
What?
Here's your watch.