The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 5 - A Grave for Felix - full transcript

Oh, Oscar, I'm glad you're home.

Just leaving you a note.

I've got to go out on
a job. I need a favor.

Can it wait, Felix? I
need a beer and a shower.

Or a shower and a beer,

or better still, a
beer in the shower.

Look how he throws his
nice jacket on the floor.

Why must you carry
food in your pockets?

Ants are starting
to follow you home.

What's the favor, Felix?

All I want you to do is
answer a phone call for me.



From who?

Angel Haven.

Angel... Hey, is that the
big blonde with the mole?

No, no.

It's the cemetery where
I'm getting my plot.

See, I showed you the brochure.

Cemetery? Are you keeping
something from me, Felix?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm, I'm 100 percent.

It's just that, I've been
going around weekends

looking for a plot.

Just preparing for
when my time comes.

I told you about this.

Oh, that's where
you've been going, yeah.



I thought you were out
vacuuming Staten Island.

I don't believe people should
wait until the last minute.

That's where we differ, buddy.

I never heard of a corpse
complaining about bad timing.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

I was good enough
to pick this up for you.

Thank you, Felix.

What do you say?

Will you answer
the phone for me?

Hello.

Yes, speaking!

Oh, wonderful, wonderful!

I'll be down first
thing tomorrow.

Oh, today?

Well, yes, I know there's

a shortage of
eternal housing, but...

Well, this plot is just
perfect for me. I...

Would you hold on
a minute, please?

Oscar. Oscar!

What?!

The cemetery's on the phone.

Tell them I'm not ready yet.

Oscar.

What?!

They say they've got
to have a cash deposit

by 4:00 this afternoon.

Somebody else wants my plot.

I've got to go down on a job.

Will you take it
over there for me?

Yeah, sure.

Oscar.

My beer's getting
soap in it, will you?!

Make sure it's plot 204
by the babbling brook.

Babbling brook.

Don't panic.

I'll leave the money
by the phone.

Hello. Yes.

My friend Mr. Madison will
bring the deposit over today.

Yeah, right away.

Will $100 be enough?

Fine. Good, thank you.

Oh, and remember, plot
204 by the babbling brook.

Yeah, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Felix!

Get the phone, will you?!

Felix!

Where are you?!

Felix!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Eddie.

Listen, I can't talk,
I'm in the shower.

What?

Today?

What race?

Sure, I'm interested.

Who gave you the tip?

The horse?

Oh, the horse's trainer.

Wouldn't you know
it... A sure thing.

I couldn't bet if I had to.

No.

Why? Because I'm
dead broke, that's why.

All I got is... $100.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right.

But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the
home of his friend

Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Nah, nah, I can't do it.

No.

Sure, I liked the tip,
but how am I gonna

bet a man's burial
money on a horse race?

I know he's not gonna die today.

No, I can't... No, I can't...

I just, I can't.
Will you forget it?

I can't... Well, don't hang up!

Talk me into it!

What'd you say the odds were?

Ten to one?

Listen, what are the odds
of my getting some credit?

1,000 to one.

Well, listen, you know,

it wouldn't be
like stealing, right?

I mean, I'm only
borrowing it, right?

Sure, that's reasonable, right?

I'm gonna return it
on Monday, right?

Don't leave till I get
the money to you!

Look at this!

I forgot the money!

I thought you were
going to take me to lunch.

This is lunch, honey.

I got dressed up for a
submarine sandwich?

I'm sorry, honey, but I
got to watch this race.

Holy mackerel.

Say, help yourself
to macaroni salad,

will you?

Oscar, you know, as a woman,

I'd say this isn't
much of a date.

And as your doctor,
I'd say it's a disaster.

Don't worry, honey.

If I win, I'll buy you
some pig's knuckles.

What do I mean if I win?

I got to win. I got
$100 on this horse.

Come on.

And at the five turn...

Five turn?

In the lead, it's Matchmaker
and Uncle Waldo.

That's my horse... Matchmaker!

It's Matchmaker and Uncle Waldo.

Matchmaker pulling away.

Come on, honey, root for me.

I'll take you to the Bahamas.

Bahamas?! Yeah.

Ooh! Come on, Matchmaker!

It's Matchmaker by a length,

Uncle Waldo,
Mermaid and Billy Boy.

Come on, baby!

And coming into the stretch,
it's Matchmaker by two lengths.

Yeah, two lengths!

Three lengths.

Three lengths!

Matchmaker by four lengths.

Four lengths!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Matchmaker by four lengths.

And Matchmaker by three lengths.

No, four lengths, he said four.

Matchmaker by two lengths.

No, not two. What
happened to four?

Matchmaker by a length.

No, it's four! Four...

And the winner is Uncle Waldo,

followed by Mermaid
and Billy Boy.

We'll go down to the winner's
circle in just a moment.

Don't turn it off, honey.

Here he comes.

Now you can turn it off.

Oh, Oscar, put your
head between your knees.

What are you doing?

Felix was right.

The ants did follow me home.

Sorry.

♪ When the saints
come marching in ♪

♪ When the saints ♪

♪ Come marching... ♪

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I thought you was one
of them $35 funerals.

Just a little inside
joke we have.

You must be the groundskeeper.

Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh, is this where
you're going to...

Yeah, yeah.

When the time comes.

Well...

it's a beautiful location.

Thank you.

You know anything about
my next door neighbor here?

Well, uh... I don't
know anything personal,

but, uh, he was
the first cellist

for the Philharmonic.

Really?!

Yeah, he's one of the main
attractions on our guided tours.

Oh, my.

Well, I, uh, I'll
be talking to you.

I mean...

I'll be seeing you.

♪ When the saints
go marching in ♪

Felix?

You nearly scared me to death.

Well, you wouldn't
have far to go.

I'm glad you got down here.

I want you to see my plot.

Yeah, I see it. Listen...

Isn't this lovely?
Yes, it's beautiful.

I want to talk with...
Oh, you have no idea

how long I searched
for just the right spot,

and now I found it.

Oh, so serene and peaceful.

Look at this lovely shade tree.

And there's the babbling brook.

Close enough to hear, but
far enough to avoid seepage.

Felix, look, I
want to talk to you.

I don't know how to put it.

What's the matter, Oscar?

You got troubles?
Yeah, I got troubles.

See, that's why I
want to talk to you.

I want tell you...
Money troubles?

Well, partly money,
but that's not all...

Well, when you
stop to think about it,

is anything that important?

No, I don't think so.

Little troubles all seem to...

work their way away.

I realize that
now that I'm here.

Life's problems are
pretty minor after all.

As long as you've got a
place to come to in the end.

You ain't got no place.

That's what I'm
trying to tell you, Felix.

You're out in the cold.

I-I, I don't understand.

You're not talking
about this plot?

Yeah, somebody
beat you out of it.

I didn't get down here
with the money in time,

and somebody else
copped your grave.

Copped my grave?!

I don't believe this.

Well, it's true.

So if you're gonna
die, don't die here,

'cause they're gonna
have to move you.

Oscar, how-how could you...?

This is like a nightmare
out of Charles Dickens.

Wh-What did you do?

Did you just forget?

No, I didn't forget. A
better thing came along.

A better thing?

Only it didn't come
along fast enough.

If you want to blame anybody,
blame that lousy horse.

You didn't do this!

Yes, I did, and
I'm terribly sorry.

He's sorry!

He bets my grave on a horse,
and he tells me he's sorry!

Yes.

You bet my eternal resting
place on a sweaty animal,

and you tell me you're sorry?!

Yeah, I'm sorry, Felix.

Look, if I'd have won, you
could have had two plots.

What do I want with two plots?!

What am I, the fat
man in a circus?!

What do you want me to say?

You can say this is

the most irresponsible
thing you've ever done!

It's outrageous!

It's the most irresponsible
thing I've ever done.

It's outrageous.

Well, you're just saying that!

Well, you told me to say it!

You could at least have
the decency to apologize.

I apologize, Felix.

That's not gonna get
me back my grave, is it?

Boys, boys, please,
please, keep it down.

People are trying to rest here.

My sinuses are killing me!

I didn't mean it.

See, Eddie called me up, he
told me he had a sure thing.

Now he's got me
talking to graves.

Come on, Felix, come on out.

Now he won't even talk to me.

Mr. Twitchell is here
from Eternal Shores.

He's got a beautiful plot

with a view of the George
Washington Bridge.

You know how much you
admire George Washington.

Tell him about our rose garden
and the Sunday organ concert.

Did you hear that, Felix?

They promised
you a rose garden...

and an organ concert.

Ah, it's no use, he's
got a closed mind.

Uh, did you tell him
about our free parking

and the playground for children?

The only child
around here is in there.

I'm sorry, it's no dice.

Well, at least accept
one of our free calendars

to remind you of our services.

Hey, she's not bad.

Well, we like to see our
customers live while they can.

Oh, our, uh... our
phone number is on it

if you should need us.

Hey, that's an interesting
place to put a phone number.

Good-bye.

So long, Mr. Twitchell.

I saw that, Oscar.

Now you come out, huh?

I didn't come out to see you.

I came out to get
some nourishment.

I can't die now, thanks to you.

For the hundredth time,
please, I apologize, Felix.

If you'll excuse
me, Mr. Madison,

I'd like to go to my bedroom.

Oh, come on, Felix,
give me a break.

I've been running
around town for four hours.

I've got 32 nice places
for you to be buried.

I had a nice place!

I'll never live to
see a nicer one.

I know you did, but
these are nice, too.

Look, here's one with
a babbling brook. Yeah?

Where's the shade tree?

I'll give you a shade tree
as a going away present.

My coffee's getting cold.

Oh, come on, Felix, please.

Oh, look at this.

Here's one with daisies
and a picket fence.

Here's one with a view of the
Brooklyn Academy of Music.

Oh, this one you're gonna love.

Look, it's only a mile and a
half away from a broom factory.

Just look at them... please.

Have you got one with
a view of a racetrack?

Oh, don't be cruel, Felix.

If I'd have won, I'd
have bought you a vault.

A vault is ostentatious. I...

What's this one?

Why didn't you show me this?

It's got a brook and
a tree and a view.

Yeah, but see, it-it's
near a corner by a wall.

You can't be over
four foot seven.

Very funny.

No, I'm not trying to be funny.

Hey, Felix, they could
put you in diagonally,

or you could crouch.

He's as much trouble
dead as he is alive.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Listen, have you
found a plot yet? No.

Another submarine sandwich?

No, the same submarine sandwich.

Oscar, I was talking
to one of my patients.

He bought a plot in
the same cemetery,

and he's willing to sell it.

You talked him into selling it?

Well, with me as his doctor,

he knows he's gonna live.

Yeah, Felix won't like it. Wait!

Now wait! You haven't
even heard about it.

I'm telling you
he won't like it.

King Tut was easier
to bury than this guy.

Oscar, it's in the same
area that Felix had.

It is?

Yes. Only about five yards away.

You mean the same location?

Same location. Same price?

Same price. What do you think?

Do you think he'll like it?

He'll like it, he'll love it,

he'll be crazy about it.

Felix, wait'll you hear.

And if he doesn't
like it, I'll kill him

and stuff him in it anyway!

Now are you happy?

Have you got friends
or have you got friends?

Come on, we'll put a deposit
down. Now just a minute.

I-I want to look at it.

What is there to look at?

It's the same view, same tree,
same dumb babbling brook.

Would you have some patience?

After all, this is forever.

What is he doing?

Who knows? Practicing.

It's just as I thought.

It's not the same.

What's not the same? The view.

It's blocked by Split Carson.

Who's Split Carson?

The bowling king of
Eastern Long Island.

Well, he sure must
have loved the game.

I never even noticed that.

Well, how can you
miss two bowling pins

sticking up in the
middle of the cemetery?

I don't want to stare at
that through all eternity.

Come on, Felix.

You won't see anything

once they drop
you into the ground.

And 204 here is under
this beautiful shade tree.

That thing's out
in the blazing sun.

What, you're afraid
you'll get a sunburn?

I'm thinking of the
comfort of my visitors.

Felix, they're not
gonna be here that long.

They're just going to drop
their flowers and leave.

It really is just as nice

as that one.

No, it's not.

It's farther from the brook.

Look how low that is.

When it rains,
I'll be in a puddle.

My suit'll shrink.

I'll bury you in a raincoat.

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry
to hear about 204.

So was I. Yeah.

Well, this is a nice spot here

right next to the Captain.

Captain? Yeah.

Ol' Captain Ed.

For 30 years, he
was on the Hudson.

He ran one of them
garbage scows.

You're burying me

between the Captain
of a garbage scow

and the king of bowling.

Over here I was next
to a concert cellist.

He's on the guided
tour, everything.

We'll dig a tunnel,
you can visit.

Well, I guess we
could look further,

Felix.

No, no, no, I...

You've gone to enough trouble.

I'll take it. NANCY: No.

Now you don't have to.

No, no, it's all right.

It's not exactly
what I had in mind,

but it's good enough.

I guess I'm lucky
to have anything.

I appreciate that, Felix.

I know how you...

Well, honey, that's settled.

At least he'll
take it. No, no, no.

He said he would. You
don't know him like I do.

Every time he sees
a babbling brook,

he'll start babbling.

Every time he hears organ music,

he'll start humming
"My Blue Heaven."

And whenever he sniffles,

he'll remind me how I
loused up his eternity.

Oh, he'll forget all about it.

Not him. Peck! Peck! Peck!

It's like living with a chicken.

Oh!

I think I'll get back
to the hospital.

Things are happier there.

No, honey, do me
a favor, will you?

Take Felix back
to the apartment.

I got an idea. What?

Just do it, will you, honey?
Please, no questions.

"Split Carson, beloved husband,

"devoted father,

never threw a gutter ball."

Just step into my
office and have a seat.

Thank you, thank you.

Now then, what can I do for you?

Well, I want to
ask about a plot.

Ah, yes.

Uh, for yourself or a loved one?

Believe me, neither.

I just want to know
who bought plot 204.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

but that's privileged
information.

Privileged for me
and this little box.

We don't give that
out to the public.

Well, I can appreciate that,

but I want to help
my friend, Felix Unger.

Oh, yes, Mr. Unger.
Very nice man.

Sorry to lose him.

But you don't have to lose
him. Just give me the name.

I'm sorry, sir, but
it's a matter of ethics.

Besides, the owner may be
leaving this earth very soon.

Well, maybe he'd like

to make a little
profit before he goes.

I mean, he paid 500
for it. I'll give him 750.

But you couldn't
give him anything

if you didn't have his name.

Okay, okay, I'll double it.

I'll give him
$1,000 for the plot.

No.

You'll give him 750

for the plot. Oh, thank you.

And you'll give me
250 for his name.

But, that is... I know,

but the cemetery
game is a jungle.

Okay, you got a deal.

And you've got a name.

And you've got a nerve!

I think we're too late.

Maybe we better go.

Poor man.

What are you whispering about?

Mr. Bengstrom?

We thought you might be...

asleep.

I was, but that
whispering woke me up.

Are you from the oxygen company?

No, no, no. We just
came from Angel Haven.

Angel... Oh, they do care!

Uh, would you shut the
door, please? There's a draft.

You came for my measurements?

Measurements?

No, Angel Haven
gave us your name.

We don't work there.

Oh. Oh.

Did you wipe your feet
before you came in?

I can't stand dirt. Yes.

Oh, yeah, sure,
we wiped our feet.

You didn't bring
any pollen, did you?

I've got hay fever. No, no, no.

Oh, good, good.

I can't ask him.

Why? What's the difference?
I wish you wouldn't whisper.

I'm...

I'm-I'm also paranoid.

We're sorry.

What do you gentlemen want?

It-It... It's nothing.

It's-It's nothing.

Well, you must have
come for something.

Well, as a matter
of fact... Be tactful.

I will be.

We want to buy your grave.

My grave?!

Forget it. I'm not
selling my grave.

Some other jerk tried
to beat me out of it,

but he didn't get his
deposit in on time.

Oh, having that grave

is the only thing
that keeps me going.

It's stuffy in here.

No offense intended,
I assure you.

Does he seem familiar to you?

No. Never saw him before.

No, I mean, does he
remind you of anybody?

No.

If you don't mind my
asking, Mr. Bengstrom,

what... what is it you have?

What's wrong with you?

Everything. You
name it, I've got it.

Well, what do the doctors say?

Doctors? Ha! What do they know?

They say there's
nothing wrong with me.

That shows you what they know.

Yeah, well, maybe they're right.

Maybe there isn't
anything wrong with you.

Are you joking?

With all the
disease in this world,

with the millions
and billions of germs

right here in this room,
how could I be healthy?

I mean, what are my odds?

Are you sure he doesn't
remind you of somebody?

I had an uncle

who had exactly that coloring
just before he passed away.

No, Felix. He reminds me of you.

You gentlemen will
have to excuse me,

'cause I've got to
go to the bathroom.

May we help you?

Help? No. Why?

You're limping.

I am?

You see? I predicted that!

Come on, will you, Felix?

He's got 204, you got 212.

Try to switch. Let him keep it.

Let him use it in good health.

What?

I mean it.

Angel Haven can wait.

Hello life.

Do I really remind you of that?

Oscar,

how can you stand to be inside

on a day like today?

It's such a beautiful day.

The sky is blue, the
clouds are billowing,

there's a feeling
of spring in the air.

It's no time to be obsessed
with graves and cemeteries.

That's depressing.

Guess what I bought?

A giant ant colony?

No.

Look.

What's that?

Matching funeral urns.

Matching...?

One for you, one for me, yeah.

And in case you
should marry Nancy,

or I go back with
Gloria, I can get more.

They're open stock.

Aren't they wonderful?
So modern and neat.

That's what I like
best, the neatness.

Which one is yours?

That one.

That's for my ashes!

I'm giving you a head start.