The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 4 - Sleepwalker - full transcript

Well, so much for chow.

It was marvelous, Oscar.

Doctor. Mmm.

Why don't you sit
right over here, darling.

Have a little after dinner mint.

Thank you.

Sit, please, because now
the piéce de résistance.

Look at that. Oh!

Oh!

Champagne!

Well, it ain't seltzer, honey.



Oh, Oscar, I'm thrilled!

How many times do you celebrate

your first anniversary,
huh? Oh, Oscar.

You are so sweet.

Well, nothing's too good
for my lady doctor girlfriend.

(straining): Do you know
what my idea of a sadist is?

What? The guy who
puts these corks in.

(cork pops) Oh!

Look at that. I
spilled it all over.

It doesn't matter, honey.

It'll taste fine.

Yeah, but look at all
that cork floating around.

Looks like a midget shipwreck.

It doesn't matter... pour, pour.



You know, this wouldn't have
happened if it wasn't for Felix.

Felix? How?

Well, I went out to buy
a bottle of champagne...

Canadian, good stuff.

Felix said it wasn't
good enough.

It was a bad year.

He made me run out

and buy one from
a good year, 1964.

It may have been a good year
for champagne but not for cork.

Oscar... Oscar.

What? We're doing it again.

Doing what again, honey?

Spending another
evening together

with you complaining
about Felix.

You're absolutely right, honey,

and I'm not going to do it.

We've got the whole
evening to ourselves.

Mr. Clean is at the opera,

and he won't be
home till midnight.

To us.

To us.

(glasses clink)

Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

(switch clicks)

Hi.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Why?

Why?!

Why what?

Why did you come home so early?

You weren't due
back till midnight.

Forgive me.

I wasn't feeling well.

I've got this tickle in
the back of my throat,

and... I was feeling
somewhat flushed.

We planned a
nice, quiet evening.

You have to tickle and flush.

Let me take a
look at your throat.

Don't worry. No, no.

You're off duty. I'm all right.

Well, if you're all right,
why did you come home?

Forgive me.

I'm sure I'm only
being hypochondriacal,

but I know that a
saltwater gargle is in order.

I'll be in my room.

I won't bother you.

Don't worry about me.

You won't know I'm...

What? What's that?

Champagne on the carpet?

I'll know you're here, Felix.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I'll be in my room.

Enjoy yourselves.

Happy anniversary.

Happy for both of
you. Thank you, Felix.

I'm happy for both
of you. Thank you.

Do you see that?

Do you believe this man?

Now, Oscar, would you
please sit and forget it.

And get back to us.

All right, honey. Okay.

(glasses clink) To us. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

(Felix gargling)

(Felix gargling)

Do you happen to know
how many years you get

for drowning a man
with his own mouthwash?

Oscar, please kiss me.

I'm sorry.

Do you know
where the aspirin is?

How are you feeling?

My throat still has that tickle.

I'd like to scratch it for you.

You do feel feverish.

Oscar, where's a thermometer?

I don't know, honey.

I'm only a tenant
here, not a pharmacist.

What does that remark mean?

I'll tell you
Mr. Tickle and Flush,

you come in here...
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!

Now, he isn't feeling well.

Please get me a
thermometer and two aspirin.

Felix, you sit right down.

(groaning): Thank you.

This what he
served for dinner...

Red wine and fish sticks?

Open.

Aah.

I'm so sorry to interrupt
your anniversary.

Oh, it's no trouble.

Thank you. You're nice.

It's our anniversary,
too, you know that?

One year ago tonight,
you were treating me.

(laughing): That's right.

You had the flu, and
I made the house call

and met Oscar a
year ago tonight. Aah.

Thermometer and two aspirin.

Did you remember to wash
the thermometer off with alcohol

and dry it with sterile cotton?

No, I spit-shined it and used
a T-shirt from the laundry.

Open!

I know he's joking,
but I can't put the thing

in my mouth when
he says things like that.

I'll do it myself.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

I'll be in my room.

Forgive me.

Enjoy.

I'm happy for both of you.

Have a happy anniversary.

Why me? Why me?

Eight million divorced
men in New York.

I end up with...
(kissing)... Dinah Shore.

Oscar.

All right, honey. Yeah.

We'll get back to
the way we were.

We'll forget...
Here you go, honey.

Oscar, it's not going to work.

I'd better go.

Why go? Why?

Because you are
very upset, Oscar.

I don't like to be
kissed with hatred.

Oh, honey.

Don't let him ruin
another evening for me.

Oscar, I don't like to say this,

but Felix didn't ruin
your evening, you did.

How can you say that?

You were here,
you saw what he did.

(laughs) That's just my point.

He didn't do anything.

You overreacted to him tonight.

Tonight?

It's every night, every day.

He lives inside me
like a tapeworm,

eating away my nerve endings.

Gnawing, always gnawing,

always gnawing!

Honey, I know,

I can feel the tension
when you hug me.

Your stomach feels
like a basketball.

Oscar, you could have
a little more tolerance.

Tolerance? He's alive, isn't he?

That's being tolerant.

All I'm asking you
to do for yourself

and for us is just to be a
little nice to Felix, Oscar.

Just try to get along
with him, make an effort.

Then, maybe we can
deflate that basketball a little.

I don't know, honey.

Try.

Is that a bribe?

(laughing): No.

That was love.

This one's a bribe.

FELIX: Good news, kids.

It's only 99.

I can knock that
with a night's sleep.

My stomach is dribbling
against my belly button.

Tolerance.

Yeah.

Honey, you want to
bribe me some more? No.

Goodnight, darling. All right.

Tolerance. I know.

I'll be captain of the
Olympic Tolerance Team.

Bye, honey.

I love you.

Oscar. What? What?

Is it all right if I
shower first tomorrow?

Positively no... reason
why you can't, Felix.

Thanks, Osc.

Happy anniversary, you two.

Oh, thank you, Fel.

Good morning. Good
morning, Felix, how are you?

I feel wonderful. Great!

Listen, I must tell you

that I'm genuinely
sorry about last night.

Will you forget it, buddy.

It was nothing!

What are you doing?

I'm making breakfast.

Well, that's, that's
very, very nice of you,

but I can make
breakfast as usual. No.

You always take care
of me when I'm sick.

You put my mother to shame.

The least I can do is take
care of you when you're sick.

But I feel perfectly
fine this morning,

except for my
normal sinus agony.

(clears throat)

Your orange juice, sir. Ah.

Did you remember
to remove the pits?

I think so, Felix.

I don't like pits in my juice.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm? Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Mm what? Pit.

(spits) Pit.

Where? Where?

There's a pit, there's a pit.

Pits. Ooh. Uh...

They must have got passed me.

You know how pits
are. Very sneaky.

That's all right.

I don't mind.

I appreciate the effort required

for you to make me orange juice.

Good try.

Thank you, Felix.

But if you can't do a job well,

don't do it all.

I don't like pits in my juice.

You're right, Felix... When
you're right, you're right.

I mean, the man's right.
What are you going to do?

(bell rings)

Oh, that's my cue. What?

What now?

Your eggs, Felix.

Exactly the way you like them.

Without pits, I hope.

But seriously,
Oscar, I'm stunned

by your thoughtfulness.

It's my pleasure.

Oh, two-minute egg, huh?

Exactly two minutes.

I like my eggs three minutes.

Two minutes, three minutes,
what's the difference?

The difference is with
a three-minute egg

you can eat with a fork.

These, you'd have to
sip through a straw. Look.

But... another very good try.

Thank you, Felix.

I needed that pat on the back.

(car horn honking)

(door opens)

Hi, buddy.

Cleaning day today.

You did a good job, buddy.

How you feel?

Fine. Good.

Hey, I'm hungry as a bear.

I'll bet you got one of your
Felix Unger gourmet specials.

What time is dinner?

Huh!

Why are you sitting there?

Guess.

You're tired from cleaning.

No.

You're resting. No.

Why?

Why are you doing that
with your eyes? What is that?

What do you see in my lap?

Pot.

Open it!

What color do you see in there?

Black.

What do you think it is?

Well, it looks like some
sort of black meat to me.

This is the rump roast I
prepared for your dinner.

It was ready an
hour and a half ago.

I'm sorry, Felix,

but the Hockey
Championship Games

went into double overtime.

If you knew you
were going to be late,

why didn't you call me?

Well, I'm sorry, Felix.

I meant to call you, but
the game got so exciting,

I didn't know what to do.

This is a six-dollar rump
roast lying here dead.

I just, I just don't
understand you anymore.

I've just stopped acting
crazy over little things.

Nancy convinced me
that I overreact to you

and you're probably
right 90% of the time.

I'll accept that.

She said I should
be nice to you,

bend a little, you know,
not get so mad at you.

I find that a very mature

and intelligent attitude.

Well, it works.

Like tonight when
you were whining

about your dead rump roast.

I tried to understand
how you felt,

and as a result, you
didn't annoy me so much.

I annoy you?

(chuckles)

Make that 91%, Oscar.

How did I annoy you?

By coming home an
hour and a half late?

By forgetting to call

and saying I was
going to be late?

Is that how I
annoyed you, Oscar?

I think you're on to something
with this new attitude of yours.

But instead of working at
not being annoyed at me,

you should stop
being annoying to me.

There's your project.

I'll get a saw and cut the meat.

I don't forgive you...

but I know you're
trying, and I like that.

Now go wash your hands and face.

(mockingly): Don't
be annoyed at me.

Stop being annoying to me.

I'd like to annoy him.

Now, I've got two
basketballs and a hockey puck.

FELIX: Hey, Oscar?

What?!

Mr. 91% right.

A very interesting article
in this magazine, Oscar.

It's about Bolivian chickens.

No kidding!

Look at what he's hitting
me with... Bolivian chickens.

You got to save it for me.

I'll stick it in your
orange juice.

Says they're growing
them as big as turkeys.

You're kidding!

(suppressed): Who
cares about Bolivian...

Those eggs you made for me
this morning were sure turkeys.

(laughs)

That's a joke, Oscar.

(growling)

What?!

That's a laugh, Felix.

You don't mind when
I rib you, do you, Osc?

No, I love a good ribbing, Fel.

I can't help this crazy
sense of humor of mine.

(laughs)

Good night, pal.

Good night, Felix.

FELIX (dream-like): I
don't like pits, pits, pits,

in my juice, juice, juice.

I don't like pits, pits, pits,

in my juice, juice, juice.

Pits, pits, pits,

in my juice, juice, juice.

Pits, pits, pits.

Well, good morning, buddy.

(mumbling): Good morning.

Sit down, you don't
need a reservation.

Coffee's made, it's in the pot.

(groans)

You're up kind of
early, aren't you?

I got to get my
column in by 9:00.

What are you staring at?

(mumbling): I don't know.

Did you sleep well? Sleep well.

Felix, if being unconscious

means sleeping
well, I slept great.

I really got to go
to work. (coughs)

What's the matter? Why are
you so jumpy? I don't know.

I had a terrible dream.

Yeah? The same one where
you're trapped in a sewer barefoot?

No. It was worse than that.

You were in this one.

Oh, really? Tell
me about it, Felix.

But I'm in a hurry...
Make it fast, will you?

I-I-I dreamed that you came
into my room, Mm-hmm.

And you screamed
some terrible obscenities,

and then you hit
me over the head

with a blunt object
of some kind.

It's not as good as the one
in the sewer, but it's okay.

It didn't seem like a dream.

It was so real, when I woke up

I went in your room to
see if you were asleep.

You came into my room?

That's how frightening it was.

Felix, I'd like to stay
here and analyze

your dream, but
I'm really in a hurry.

Listen, if it'll make
you feel any better,

tonight you can dream you
came into my room and you hit me.

I left my dirty
laundry on the bed.

Is it in the pillowcase?
Yeah. All the stuff that's stiff.

Ugh!

I've got the evidence, look.

Ralph Nader has
something to do with this?

He rolls up the
magazine and hits me.

This is the weapon.

Yeah, but are you
sure it's Oscar?

Well, who else sleeps here?

Well, that's none of
my business, Felix.

It was Oscar; I heard his voice.

He called me a Bolivian chicken.

Well, now that
sounds like Oscar.

I know it's Oscar...
Stay here tonight.

We'll stake out his room.
We'll catch him in the act.

I can't, Felix.

My partner's waiting
for me downstairs.

I'm on duty, you know? This
is duty. Assault and battery.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Murray, you'll get a medal.

Well, I could stay
for a few minutes.

May I have a glass of
milk and some cookies?

Yes, you may, Murray.
Help yourself. Thank you.

You know, we had a case
like this a couple of years ago,

and we discovered that this
guy was walking in his sleep.

Sleepwalking?

What, what should I do if
he's sleepwalking, Murray?

Well, to begin with,
don't wake him up.

They get very violent.

More violent? How?

He's belting me on the head now.

Why me, of all people. I just...

I hope and pray
he's not sleepwalking.

Can you imagine
the mess I'd find

in this room in the
morning if he was...?

Murray! Murray!

Murray! What? What's wrong?

Put your gun away!

Put it down! Put your gun away!

Oh. He just did it again.

I saw him with my own eyes.
I felt it with my own head.

Gee, I'm sorry I missed it.

I was going to wake him up, and
then I remembered what you said.

I should have awakened him.

Oh, Murray, he looked,
he looked deranged...

Uh uh. We'd better
go check up on him.

Hi, Oscar.

Murray.

(chuckles) It's okay,
Felix, he's awake.

Hello, Oscar.

What are you guys
doing in my bedroom?

What's the living room
doing in my bedroom?

You're sleepwalking, Oscar.

Well, I better walk
back to sleep then.

You saw him, Murray. You saw it!

Yeah, but I didn't
actually see any hitting.

Yeah, but you saw
the weapon in his hand.

Well, but that's circumstantial.

If he had stabbed me,

and was standing there
with a dripping dagger,

would that be circumstantial?

Perhaps.

(car honking)

That's my partner
calling for me.

Take the cookies,
Murray, and go.

I'm sorry, Felix.

I'm a policeman.

I can't get involved!

(muttering)

Fasten this.

Okay, come bring this over here.

This here.

(whispering):
Shutter. There we are.

This is makeshift,
but it'll work.

Distance of three feet...

Get my pill.

Water.

Water.

Like living with an animal.

Why is he doing this?

He'll never get through that.

If I can just get
through this night.

Felix!

(growling): Felix!

Felix!

I don't know; his door's locked.

I think he's calling for a cab.

I know it's serious.

Well, I'll do what I can.

(timer dings) Oh listen,
honey, I got to go now.

I'll call you back later. Okay.

Oh, how are you feeling, Felix?

Good morning, Oscar.

Listen, would you like
some orange juice?

I strained it, I took
out all the pits, I think.

Thank you. That was
very kind of you, Oscar.

No, I don't want any.

How about three-minute eggs
right on the head three minutes.

I couldn't hold a
thing on my stomach.

My bags are packed,

the cab will be
here in 10 minutes.

Felix, would it help to
tell you how sorry I am?

Please, Oscar.
It's not your fault.

It's mine.

It must be.

There is something
in me that provokes

such terrible hatred to me
that your subconscious mind

drives you to attack me.

Oh, come on...
No, no, I mean it.

I've never told you this
before, I've never told anyone,

but my ex-wife, Gloria,
used to hit me on the head.

What's wrong with me, anyway?

Nothing, Felix.
Will you cut it out?

All right. There's
just one thing.

I don't want you to feel
any guilt whatsoever.

The fault is not yours.

There's something in me
that brings out this ugly,

animal, terrible viciousness.

I'm a bad seed, Oscar.

Felix, cut it out.

Don't cry, will you?

I, I can't stand to
see a grown man cry.

Felix, please, will you
cut it out. Will you stop it!

That does it, Felix!

I can put up with a
devout hypochondriac.

I can stand a man who has won

all the awards for cleaning.

I can even understand why
you vacuum the shower curtain.

But I can't take
you being a martyr.

I refuse to live
with Joan of Arc!

So you take your
pats, and your pits,

and take your pills
and your pains,

and take your pots and your
pans and your pouting and pull out!

That's what's been
missing, Oscar.

You haven't been yelling at me.

I've been trying
to be nice to you.

Aha! That's it!

What's it? Hostility.

Repressed during
the day, erupts at night.

Freud! Dreams and
the subconscious.

I know that's the answer.

It is?

Yes, we can work this out.

You really think
we can? Of course.

The main thing is... You
must never be nice to me.

What do you mean by that?

If you feel
hostile, act hostile.

Let it all hang out.

I'll try anything.

Yes, the main thing
is that we must be

emotionally honest with
each other at all times.

I'll be honest with you right
now, Felix... I got to go to work.

And I'm going to
have breakfast. Okay.

My appetite is back! Eggs
and orange juice. Great!

Terrific! I'll see you tonight.

To us.

How is the orange juice?

Perfect.

Oh, marvelous, good!
I'll see you tonight.

Pit.

Oh, come on, will ya?

Listen, I yelled
at you a lot today,

so I probably won't be
sleepwalking tonight.

But in case I do, I
want you to hit me first,

so we'll be even. That
won't be necessary, Oscar.

No, I want you to
hit me. Come on.

Oh, no, don't be silly.
Come on, I'll feel guilty.

Now, I want you
to hit me. I can't!

Felix, will you hit me? No!

Hit me!