The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 3 - Hospital Mates - full transcript
Oscar and Felix end up in the same hospital room at the same time for different reasons.
I wonder if I'm too old to
be discovered by the Mets?
(phone rings)
See that? They're
calling me already.
Hello.
Hey, Speed, am
I glad you called!
I just hit a home run,
broke up a tight ball game,
16 to 16, I must
have had a 300-footer!
What do I care about
your horses, for Go...
No, for pe... Listen,
Spe... All right.
Everybody wants
to talk about himself.
(honking) Ooh.
Am I glad you're home!
Listen, I hit a home
run today, 400 feet...
What is this, Oscar?
New decor?
Early locker room?
Look at this.
Well, I'll pick it up later.
Listen... Oh, Oscar,
Oscar, Oscar.
What is it?
What'd you do, come
home in a dirty cab?
Oscar.
Tell me honestly. What?
Do you like my face?
Do I like... Of course
I like your face!
I don't carry your picture
around in my wallet, but I...
I'm very fond of my face.
Good! I'm fond of
mine, too. (honking)
I like my elbow, I'm crazy
about my neck, I... (honking)
(honking) Will you
stop honking, Felix.
(honking) Get to the point.
That is the point!
I went to see this new doctor.
He tells me he can't
stop the honking!
So?
I have to have a new nose.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right.
But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With no where else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out.
Requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
A new nose could change me.
It will be a whole
different personality.
You think they could
operate tomorrow?
Is that a sensitive
friend talking?
No, that is a
bored friend talking.
I've listened to you talk
about your nose for so long,
it's like living with Pinocchio.
You just don't rush
into major surgery.
To you, a hangnail
is major surgery.
Felix, you've been
to so many doctors.
How many different
ones are you going to try?
Your very own
doctor, Dr. Melnitz,
whom you love, whom you trust,
told you you have
that... what was it?
Deviated septum.
Deviated septum, years ago.
He told you it was
a simple operation.
It would not alter the
shape of your nose.
You won't accept it.
Isn't it a normal, human thing
to want to get a second opinion?
You've been to ten
doctors, two chiropractors,
and a gypsy fortune teller.
The gypsy was a friend,
I don't consider her seriously.
Face it, Felix.
No matter what any doctor says
you're not going
to have it done.
And believe me, you
need an operation.
Oh, I...
Warn me the next
time you open a beer!
I'll put on my scuba suit!
Got, it's all over
the beautiful leather.
Slob! Listen, you
got a bum nose!
You better do something
about it. Everything.
I'm telling you!
Everything! Everything!
Pick a doctor. Any
doctor! (honking)
Look I'll again with
the honking. (honking)
Felix, do something
about it! (honking)
Your entire nose situation
is beginning to depress me.
Forgive me...
if my affliction depresses you!
In Africa, when one of
the elephants gets sick,
he crawls off alone
into the jungle and dies.
Hold it, Dumbo, don't die.
Felix, I'm thinking
of your good.
For instance, I'm
worrying about tonight.
Your ex-wife's bridge game.
What? What?
You and Nancy are
coming, aren't you?
Sure we're coming. Mm.
But you say you want to
get back with Gloria, right?
Yes!
Well, I don't
want you to blow it
by talking about your
nose, depressing everybody.
Me? Depress... Oscar!
I'm usually the
life of the party!
Felix, you are many things.
You're a wonderful
cook, you're a great father.
Go ahead.
Pick on a man with one nostril.
I'll make a deal with you. Hmm?
I won't pick on you
if you don't mention
your nose once tonight.
All right. Don't
say "all right,"
say "I won't mention my nose..."
I won't mention my nose tonight!
No nose!
It's so cute on the outside.
Felix will be right here.
He's saying good-night
to the children.
This is such a lovely home.
And so sparkling clean! Oh.
Oh, thank you!
Felix has dusting privileges.
NANCY: Oh.
Gloria, why do you let
Leonard sleep all crumpled up
in a ball like that?
Most children don't
sleep at attention.
No coasters. I bid...
I bid one heart!
Can I bid here?
What's the matter?
Are the cards dirty again?
I washed them.
No, I was just
looking at the nose
on the king of hearts.
Bid, bid, bid!
I think the king of
spades needs a nose job.
You know, speaking
of nose jobs...
Who was speaking of noses?
Will you play? I bid one heart!
Did he go and see another doctor
about his nose? Yeah.
You got custody of his
children, I got custody of his nose.
Your nose ruined your marriage!
Tell him! Tell him my nose had
nothing to do with our marriage.
OSCAR: I'll bet all those years
of honking, they
affected the children, too.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
GLORIA: Oh, not really.
But until the children
were three years old,
they did think their
daddy was a goose.
(laughing)
That's funny.
That's very funny.
NANCY: Felix!
I'm not a surgeon,
but I think if you're miserable,
you should have an operation.
Felix has never had
an operation before.
I think he's afraid of them.
Oh... Oh.
Now the truth comes
out, doesn't it, buddy?
Now do you understand?
Yes, I think you're
twice as silly!
Everybody has operations today!
What's to be afraid of?
I don't know, but I'm afraid!
Felix, a witch doctor
isn't going Oh...
to come along and
bop you on the nose
with a rattle or something.
There's modern medicine.
Forgive me... You've
seen Marcus Welby.
We all have our little
quirks, haven't we?
Felix, I strongly feel
you should let Dr. Melnitz
do a simple rhinoplasty.
What?
It's just minor surgery.
What'd you call it? What's it?
Rhinoplasty. Rhinoplasty!
No! No, no, I don't want it.
It's just a name.
It's just a name.
All right, Felix!
Then look at it this way!
Your nose bugs you
and everybody else, right? Mm.
If you don't do
something about it,
you could lose a friend, a
roommate and an ex-wife.
He's right, Felix.
You are being a little silly.
Why don't you, Felix?
Come on!
Okay, okay. Good!
You'll do it! No!
No, I'll leave it to fate.
Fate gave me the nose, and
fate will take my nose away!
I'll pick a card.
He'll pick a card!
If I pick a black card... Okay.
I have the operation. Okay.
If I pick a red card,
I see another doctor
and have another
consultation. Right.
A black card, you have
the operation, right?
Okay, go ahead.
I, I don't know.
Well, don't arrange
them, pick a card!
Oh!
Whoa, buddy. Now, come on.
Black card, you
have the operation.
Okay, it's all settled,
let's play bridge.
You're doing the right thing.
I'm proud of you, Felix.
I picked the ace of spades.
It's the death card.
Once Felix gets
used to that hospital,
he's going to love it.
Even the dust is sterilized.
I felt sorry for him.
Why?
As they put him to bed,
he kept saying, "Let
me pick another card."
He wasn't that nervous.
I heard him tell
one of the nurses
her uniform had a smudge on it.
Come on, hon. We're
going to be late for the game.
You got my glove?
Not only do I have
it, I oiled it for you.
Oh, ho-ho-ho,
Oscar, how romantic.
Yeah.
I can't tell you how happy I am
without Felix's nose haunting me
with that medley of noises!
We're going to have such a ball
today, just you and me and no...
Felix!
Wow. You all right?
Yeah, I must have
stepped wro... ha!
Honey! What? I... Ooh.
Ooh. My ankle. What?
I think something snapped
inside my own body.
Wait a minute. Ah!
Easy. Ooh. Does it hurt here?
Hee! Yeah!
Does that answer your question?
Oscar, uh, can
you move your foot?
Can you step on it?
Well, I just tried,
honey, I can't.
Oh, honey, now
you've done it! I done it?
What'd I done? What?
What'd I do? What?
I think you snapped
your Achilles tendon.
How do I snap it back?
Usually it's just
a minor operation.
Last stop!
Everybody off!
Don't help me, I'd
rather do it myself.
Why do they have to operate?
You heard Dr. Freilich,
he's a specialist.
Hi!
You put me in the
same room with Felix?
Well, you see... I requested it.
Dr. Melnitz told me
what happened to you,
so I asked for you
to be put in here.
Isn't this a great room?!
The truth is, Oscar, his
other roommate requested
to get out of here.
The guy they were
afraid to move?
Maybe that X-ray
machine is broken,
cause my foot feels fine, now...
(shrieks) Easy, easy, easy.
Uh, do you need anything
else, Dr. Cunningham?
No thanks, that's fine.
Now look, Oscar.
The X-ray said that you have a
cleanly severed Achilles tendon.
There's no doubt about it,
and it's not a
complicated operation.
Yeah, but let's be fair,
I've only had one
doctor's opinion.
Oscar. Dr. Freilich has
done many of these.
This is the day of
modern medicine.
You're not going to have
some witch doctor bop you on...
Oh, who's asking you!
You won't feel a thing, Oscar.
You'll be
unconscious I will, too.
Through the whole
operation. Won't I?
I get an anesthetic
too, don't I?
I-I requested it.
Dr. Melnitz told me you begged.
He also said my
eyes will be bandaged.
Yeah, that's right,
just for a day or so,
because the block in the
septum is up high, so your eyes...
Will you stop talking
about his nose. Rhinoplasty.
I want to talk about
my foot, it's my girl!
Boys, I've got to
get back to work.
Now, Dr. Melnitz
will fix your nose,
and Dr. Freilich
will fix your foot.
You're both in very good hands.
Come and see me soon,
honey. Isn't this great!
Isn't this great?
Let's have some TV.
It's just a sprain.
I don't believe that doctor.
You want my gypsy's
phone number?
Why don't you stop it?
You want the truth,
I'll give you the truth.
I'm a little bit afraid
of the operation. Oh.
Oh, ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho.
Now, now, you see how it is?
Yeah. We don't need any TV.
I'm glad you're man
enough to admit it.
I'm very sorry about
what happened to you.
But isn't it good
that we're together?
We can cheer each other up.
What do we do, sing songs?
That's a very good idea.
That's what we did in the
army when we were afraid.
At Anzio, before we went
into combat, we sang,
♪ Jim never even sends her... ♪
That's what you sang at Anzio?
That was our
sergeant's name, Jim!
♪ Jim never even sends
her pretty flowers... ♪
I can't eat this stuff.
I'm gonna call the chef.
Wait a minute.
This is a hospital.
It's not Twenty-One.
This food is unacceptable.
I can't eat it.
I want to talk to the chef.
And I want to go to
sleep. Then go to sleep!
Yeah, but I don't
want to hear you argue
with the chef how long you
should cook mashed potatoes.
It's not only the mashed
potatoes, it's the whole meal.
Airlines serve
better food than this.
Felix, think about
the poor chef.
He has to cook for people
whose taste buds are
numb from medicine.
They eat lying down.
Some of them eat intravenously.
How would you like
to cook a pressed duck,
have a guy eat it
through his arm?
Where are you going?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Why don't you use... I
don't want to use the...
(door closes)
I'm so disappointed.
I was looking
forward to this meal.
They don't give us any breakfast
tomorrow morning, you know.
Eh... call the chef.
Now I can go to sleep.
Don't go to sleep
before the nun comes.
Before the nun comes?
You called a nun?
She's on the floor.
But you're not even a
Catholic. No, but I'm scared.
Hello.
I'm Sister Cathleen.
FELIX: Good evening,
sister. Are you comfortable?
Yes, thank you. Mm-hmm.
You both look very
well. Thank you.
We're both being operated
on tomorrow morning, sister.
Maybe you could
say a few words to...
Is there such a thing as a
deviated septum prayer?
Not specifically.
But I will say a prayer.
Thank you.
Mr. Madison here...
Sprained ankle.
You don't lie to a nun.
Mr. Madison has a
torn Achilles tendon.
Maybe you can cover us
both with the same prayer.
You don't have to
worry about anything.
But I will say a prayer
for the two of you.
Thank you, sister.
Thank you, sister.
Good-bye. Good-night.
You think it could help?
Couldn't hurt.
Felix?
Huh?
(groggily): Ah, hi, Oscar.
(groggily): Is it over?
Uh... no.
Haven't even started yet.
I feel weird.
I know.
They came in early this
morning and gave us shots...
Oh.
To prepare us for the operation.
We're drugged.
Oscar.
What?
In my entire life...
I've never been to Wyoming.
I'll drive you.
You know, that drug they...
they gave us makes
you tell the truth.
You want to hear a truth?
No.
I still love my ex-wife.
Good.
Now you tell me a truth.
I don't want to drive
you to Wyoming.
Tell me a real truth.
Nancy has a mole
on her left hip.
(laughing)
(high-pitched laughing)
Oh, you're a great man,
Oscar, you really are.
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend.
You're the best
friend I ever had.
Well, you're the
best friend I... Oh...
Let's not fight, let's
make friendship our motto.
It is our motto.
Show time.
BOTH: Take him first.
Let's go get our nose fixed now.
Oh, that's me.
Come on. I'm not afraid.
Come on. I'm not afraid.
Up you go. I'm not afraid.
Up you go. Let's go.
All right. I'm not
afraid, Oscar.
Wait! Wait!
Are there candles in
the operating room?
What for?
In case there's a power failure,
so he can finish the operation.
We-we have candles.
(sighs)
Wait, wait.
We're all brothers, you know.
Oh, Gloria. Come on.
All right, straight ahead.
FELIX: You're my eyes, Gloria.
Okay. Come on.
It's a terrible thing to
be a burden on someone.
That's all right, come on.
You're an angel, Gloria. Okay...
Where's the step?!
Where's the step?!
Right there, there's the step.
I'm all right,
Gloria. Thank you.
There's the step.
It was easier to
survive the hospital
than the taxi ride
home with this nut.
How was I supposed to know
you put your foot
up on the jump seat?!
I can't see, you know!
And you didn't help things
smoking that foul cigar
in the cab with my condition!
Felix, you're
yelling at a plant.
Did you close the door, Gloria?
I didn't hear the door close.
Your condition, your condition.
A little corn
plaster on the nose.
Have you any idea of
the pain of rhinoplasty?!
(both shouting)
Boys! Boys! Quiet!
Listen, I'm gonna stay
today and take care of you.
Oh. And I'll take
care of you, Oscar,
and I'll take
care of you, Felix.
Oh, these crutches
are killing...
But first, let me take
care of my migraine.
Gloria?
GLORIA: Yes?
Plant.
Gloria?
Mantelpiece.
Candlestick.
Gloria?
Yes? Are you going to
finish reading to me or what?
I'm coming, Felix.
Gloria, help me, help...
Okay, here we go.
You're my eyes, Gloria.
Okay.
There's... You're my...
Okay, there's the chair.
OSCAR: Gloria, I thought you
were gonna bring me some ice cream!
Ice cream. Ice...
This room is rather stuffy,
isn't it, Gloria? Use
the air freshener.
You'll find it right
there on the counter.
You know, when you can't see,
your other senses become
so much more acute.
Hmm, that's good, ah.
Read to me now, Gloria.
OSCAR: You forgot the
whipped cream, Gloria!
Gloria, you gonna
take care of him or me?
He has two eyes, he can see.
I'm only your former husband.
Gloria?
GLORIA: Sorry, Felix.
I'm just not perfect.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
Hmm. Nobody's perfect.
Even Nancy has
a big mole on her hip.
How did you know
that? I don't know.
OSCAR: Gloria,
this thing is itching.
Will you throw a hanger
down or something.
No, no, no, don't do that!
He's not supposed to scratch.
Gloria, get me a glass of water,
Water. would you,
sweetheart? Yeah.
With some shaved ice, darling.
Yeah. And maybe a straw.
(phone ringing, Felix screaming)
What is that?! What?!
It's just the...!
It's just the phone, Felix.
The phone. Oh,
the phone. I'll get it.
Hello. How fast you forget.
Oh, Nancy. OSCAR: Gloria!
My senses are so alive!
GLORIA: Nancy.
Nancy, I can't make it.
Oscar... OSCAR: Gloria!
Oscar, will you
be quiet in there!
See, basically, I'm
a very placid person.
Give the poor girl a chance!
Between the two of them,
Doesn't she have enough to do?
I just can't take
it any... Gloria!
They're fighting now, Nancy.
(Felix and Oscar shouting)
Nancy, I just wasn't cut
out to be a nurse, I'm...
I love them, but I have got
to get out of here, I'm sorry.
I love... I got to
get out of here.
Gloria.
Is the water ready
yet, because if not,
Felix. maybe I'd
rather have an eggnog.
Where am I? Help me, Gloria.
You're my eyes, Gloria.
Yes, yes, Felix.
Now, Felix, I have
got to leave. Huh?
Now, you just sit right
here. Where you going?
And everything
will be all right.
I have got to leave. I'm
sorry, but I have got to leave.
Where you going, Gloria?
I just have to get out of here.
I'm sorry, Felix. Gloria?
If you need
anything, call Nancy.
(door closes)
Did you leave, Gloria?
What happened?
I don't know.
For some strange
reason, Gloria left.
I don't blame her.
When this thing
itches, I get so cranky.
What are you doing out of bed?
What are you doing in here?
I missed you.
Tired of my room, I came
out here to sit and read.
I'll call up and find
out what time it is.
It's 8:00.
Your watch is never right.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Six.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Eight.
One, two...
Look at this, I'm
on Sesame Street.
Give me the phone. No, no!
I'll dial it for you.
Now, I don't want
to disturb you.
This is very good
therapy for me, believe me.
I forgot where I was.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Six.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Eight.
One, two... Give me the phone!
It's 8:00! Don't
you believe me?!
It's 8:00!
What difference does
it make what time it is?
Can't do anything
but go to bed anyway.
Go. It's a good idea;
you should go to bed.
Thank you.
At least I'll tidy up a
little bit before I go.
You can't even see.
How you can tell it's messy?
Instinct.
I'll empty the ashtrays.
No, that's cruel, Oscar, cruel!
You know why I'm cruel?
Because when you
clean, it makes me nervous,
when I'm nervous, I itch.
Now, will you sit down, Felix?
I clean cause I don't
know what else to do.
Go fill the tub
and bob for apples.
(sighs): Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oscar, I-I don't like to disturb
you, but how's your cigar ash?
My cigar ash is fine.
How are your shoelaces?
Why are you talking
gibberish again?
Because I don't want your ash
to get long and fall
down on the couch.
I can't afford a fire
when I can't see!
Felix, I just put it out.
I heard that, Oscar.
Where are you going?
You won't give me a
minute's peace, will you?
Oh, boy, you're
crazy, you know that?
You're absolutely crazy.
With your cleanliness fetish,
you'll drive me crazy.
(both screaming)
What?! What?!
What are you doing, Oscar?!
Don't play practical jokes!
Don't crawl around on the floor!
Oscar, what are you doing?
Pack your things
and get out! What?
Pack your things and get out!
You're kicking a blind man out
in the dead of night?
Oscar, do you realize
what you're saying?
I chose every
word very carefully.
Get out!
All right.
Point me at the door.
You're pointed, you're pointed.
Go ahead.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
That's the lamp. I'm all right.
I didn't hurt myself much.
It's all right. Don't help me.
Lamp.
I know where I
am. I can make it.
That's the sofa, sofa.
That's Oscar.
I can make it.
I don't need your help,
and I don't want your pity.
You don't have to help
me, I know where I am.
I know whe... I know where I am.
This is the steps,
the steps, closet door.
So this is the way
it ends, huh, Oscar?
Very good.
There's the coats.
So this is what
friendship means, huh?
All right, Oscar, if this
is the way you want it,
Felix... this is
the way it'll be.
Felix.
Felix, I just remembered
our friendship pact.
The one we made in the hospital.
That's why you
want me to stay, huh?
That, and you're
wearing Gloria's coat.
I don't want you
to get arrested.
It fits.
Oscar... thank you.
I'm man enough to admit
I'm glad to stay.
Oscar, look...
you're not the easiest
man in the world to live with.
But maybe we can work
out something between us.
Lamp.
Yes.
Couch.
Couch, that's right.
I have my problems, Oscar.
Oscar.
You have your problems...
"So bid the soldiers shoot.
And they all lived
happily ever after."
Nobody lives happily
ever after in Hamlet.
Nobody lives.
I'm so dizzy from
reading Hamlet.
I want to go to bed.
Wha... I...
Do me a favor, would you? What?
I know I made you a
promise I won't clean anymore,
but this air in this
room is so stuffy, Oscar.
Well, what do you care?
You're going to sleep.
How can I sleep
knowing it's stuffy?
Just, just, just for
me, just this once,
just before we go to bed,
let me freshen up
a little bit, can I?
Oh, sure, go ahead, Felix.
Good. Good.
Am I getting it everywhere?
Well, you're missing in
a few spots, right there.
be discovered by the Mets?
(phone rings)
See that? They're
calling me already.
Hello.
Hey, Speed, am
I glad you called!
I just hit a home run,
broke up a tight ball game,
16 to 16, I must
have had a 300-footer!
What do I care about
your horses, for Go...
No, for pe... Listen,
Spe... All right.
Everybody wants
to talk about himself.
(honking) Ooh.
Am I glad you're home!
Listen, I hit a home
run today, 400 feet...
What is this, Oscar?
New decor?
Early locker room?
Look at this.
Well, I'll pick it up later.
Listen... Oh, Oscar,
Oscar, Oscar.
What is it?
What'd you do, come
home in a dirty cab?
Oscar.
Tell me honestly. What?
Do you like my face?
Do I like... Of course
I like your face!
I don't carry your picture
around in my wallet, but I...
I'm very fond of my face.
Good! I'm fond of
mine, too. (honking)
I like my elbow, I'm crazy
about my neck, I... (honking)
(honking) Will you
stop honking, Felix.
(honking) Get to the point.
That is the point!
I went to see this new doctor.
He tells me he can't
stop the honking!
So?
I have to have a new nose.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right.
But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With no where else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out.
Requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
A new nose could change me.
It will be a whole
different personality.
You think they could
operate tomorrow?
Is that a sensitive
friend talking?
No, that is a
bored friend talking.
I've listened to you talk
about your nose for so long,
it's like living with Pinocchio.
You just don't rush
into major surgery.
To you, a hangnail
is major surgery.
Felix, you've been
to so many doctors.
How many different
ones are you going to try?
Your very own
doctor, Dr. Melnitz,
whom you love, whom you trust,
told you you have
that... what was it?
Deviated septum.
Deviated septum, years ago.
He told you it was
a simple operation.
It would not alter the
shape of your nose.
You won't accept it.
Isn't it a normal, human thing
to want to get a second opinion?
You've been to ten
doctors, two chiropractors,
and a gypsy fortune teller.
The gypsy was a friend,
I don't consider her seriously.
Face it, Felix.
No matter what any doctor says
you're not going
to have it done.
And believe me, you
need an operation.
Oh, I...
Warn me the next
time you open a beer!
I'll put on my scuba suit!
Got, it's all over
the beautiful leather.
Slob! Listen, you
got a bum nose!
You better do something
about it. Everything.
I'm telling you!
Everything! Everything!
Pick a doctor. Any
doctor! (honking)
Look I'll again with
the honking. (honking)
Felix, do something
about it! (honking)
Your entire nose situation
is beginning to depress me.
Forgive me...
if my affliction depresses you!
In Africa, when one of
the elephants gets sick,
he crawls off alone
into the jungle and dies.
Hold it, Dumbo, don't die.
Felix, I'm thinking
of your good.
For instance, I'm
worrying about tonight.
Your ex-wife's bridge game.
What? What?
You and Nancy are
coming, aren't you?
Sure we're coming. Mm.
But you say you want to
get back with Gloria, right?
Yes!
Well, I don't
want you to blow it
by talking about your
nose, depressing everybody.
Me? Depress... Oscar!
I'm usually the
life of the party!
Felix, you are many things.
You're a wonderful
cook, you're a great father.
Go ahead.
Pick on a man with one nostril.
I'll make a deal with you. Hmm?
I won't pick on you
if you don't mention
your nose once tonight.
All right. Don't
say "all right,"
say "I won't mention my nose..."
I won't mention my nose tonight!
No nose!
It's so cute on the outside.
Felix will be right here.
He's saying good-night
to the children.
This is such a lovely home.
And so sparkling clean! Oh.
Oh, thank you!
Felix has dusting privileges.
NANCY: Oh.
Gloria, why do you let
Leonard sleep all crumpled up
in a ball like that?
Most children don't
sleep at attention.
No coasters. I bid...
I bid one heart!
Can I bid here?
What's the matter?
Are the cards dirty again?
I washed them.
No, I was just
looking at the nose
on the king of hearts.
Bid, bid, bid!
I think the king of
spades needs a nose job.
You know, speaking
of nose jobs...
Who was speaking of noses?
Will you play? I bid one heart!
Did he go and see another doctor
about his nose? Yeah.
You got custody of his
children, I got custody of his nose.
Your nose ruined your marriage!
Tell him! Tell him my nose had
nothing to do with our marriage.
OSCAR: I'll bet all those years
of honking, they
affected the children, too.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
GLORIA: Oh, not really.
But until the children
were three years old,
they did think their
daddy was a goose.
(laughing)
That's funny.
That's very funny.
NANCY: Felix!
I'm not a surgeon,
but I think if you're miserable,
you should have an operation.
Felix has never had
an operation before.
I think he's afraid of them.
Oh... Oh.
Now the truth comes
out, doesn't it, buddy?
Now do you understand?
Yes, I think you're
twice as silly!
Everybody has operations today!
What's to be afraid of?
I don't know, but I'm afraid!
Felix, a witch doctor
isn't going Oh...
to come along and
bop you on the nose
with a rattle or something.
There's modern medicine.
Forgive me... You've
seen Marcus Welby.
We all have our little
quirks, haven't we?
Felix, I strongly feel
you should let Dr. Melnitz
do a simple rhinoplasty.
What?
It's just minor surgery.
What'd you call it? What's it?
Rhinoplasty. Rhinoplasty!
No! No, no, I don't want it.
It's just a name.
It's just a name.
All right, Felix!
Then look at it this way!
Your nose bugs you
and everybody else, right? Mm.
If you don't do
something about it,
you could lose a friend, a
roommate and an ex-wife.
He's right, Felix.
You are being a little silly.
Why don't you, Felix?
Come on!
Okay, okay. Good!
You'll do it! No!
No, I'll leave it to fate.
Fate gave me the nose, and
fate will take my nose away!
I'll pick a card.
He'll pick a card!
If I pick a black card... Okay.
I have the operation. Okay.
If I pick a red card,
I see another doctor
and have another
consultation. Right.
A black card, you have
the operation, right?
Okay, go ahead.
I, I don't know.
Well, don't arrange
them, pick a card!
Oh!
Whoa, buddy. Now, come on.
Black card, you
have the operation.
Okay, it's all settled,
let's play bridge.
You're doing the right thing.
I'm proud of you, Felix.
I picked the ace of spades.
It's the death card.
Once Felix gets
used to that hospital,
he's going to love it.
Even the dust is sterilized.
I felt sorry for him.
Why?
As they put him to bed,
he kept saying, "Let
me pick another card."
He wasn't that nervous.
I heard him tell
one of the nurses
her uniform had a smudge on it.
Come on, hon. We're
going to be late for the game.
You got my glove?
Not only do I have
it, I oiled it for you.
Oh, ho-ho-ho,
Oscar, how romantic.
Yeah.
I can't tell you how happy I am
without Felix's nose haunting me
with that medley of noises!
We're going to have such a ball
today, just you and me and no...
Felix!
Wow. You all right?
Yeah, I must have
stepped wro... ha!
Honey! What? I... Ooh.
Ooh. My ankle. What?
I think something snapped
inside my own body.
Wait a minute. Ah!
Easy. Ooh. Does it hurt here?
Hee! Yeah!
Does that answer your question?
Oscar, uh, can
you move your foot?
Can you step on it?
Well, I just tried,
honey, I can't.
Oh, honey, now
you've done it! I done it?
What'd I done? What?
What'd I do? What?
I think you snapped
your Achilles tendon.
How do I snap it back?
Usually it's just
a minor operation.
Last stop!
Everybody off!
Don't help me, I'd
rather do it myself.
Why do they have to operate?
You heard Dr. Freilich,
he's a specialist.
Hi!
You put me in the
same room with Felix?
Well, you see... I requested it.
Dr. Melnitz told me
what happened to you,
so I asked for you
to be put in here.
Isn't this a great room?!
The truth is, Oscar, his
other roommate requested
to get out of here.
The guy they were
afraid to move?
Maybe that X-ray
machine is broken,
cause my foot feels fine, now...
(shrieks) Easy, easy, easy.
Uh, do you need anything
else, Dr. Cunningham?
No thanks, that's fine.
Now look, Oscar.
The X-ray said that you have a
cleanly severed Achilles tendon.
There's no doubt about it,
and it's not a
complicated operation.
Yeah, but let's be fair,
I've only had one
doctor's opinion.
Oscar. Dr. Freilich has
done many of these.
This is the day of
modern medicine.
You're not going to have
some witch doctor bop you on...
Oh, who's asking you!
You won't feel a thing, Oscar.
You'll be
unconscious I will, too.
Through the whole
operation. Won't I?
I get an anesthetic
too, don't I?
I-I requested it.
Dr. Melnitz told me you begged.
He also said my
eyes will be bandaged.
Yeah, that's right,
just for a day or so,
because the block in the
septum is up high, so your eyes...
Will you stop talking
about his nose. Rhinoplasty.
I want to talk about
my foot, it's my girl!
Boys, I've got to
get back to work.
Now, Dr. Melnitz
will fix your nose,
and Dr. Freilich
will fix your foot.
You're both in very good hands.
Come and see me soon,
honey. Isn't this great!
Isn't this great?
Let's have some TV.
It's just a sprain.
I don't believe that doctor.
You want my gypsy's
phone number?
Why don't you stop it?
You want the truth,
I'll give you the truth.
I'm a little bit afraid
of the operation. Oh.
Oh, ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho.
Now, now, you see how it is?
Yeah. We don't need any TV.
I'm glad you're man
enough to admit it.
I'm very sorry about
what happened to you.
But isn't it good
that we're together?
We can cheer each other up.
What do we do, sing songs?
That's a very good idea.
That's what we did in the
army when we were afraid.
At Anzio, before we went
into combat, we sang,
♪ Jim never even sends her... ♪
That's what you sang at Anzio?
That was our
sergeant's name, Jim!
♪ Jim never even sends
her pretty flowers... ♪
I can't eat this stuff.
I'm gonna call the chef.
Wait a minute.
This is a hospital.
It's not Twenty-One.
This food is unacceptable.
I can't eat it.
I want to talk to the chef.
And I want to go to
sleep. Then go to sleep!
Yeah, but I don't
want to hear you argue
with the chef how long you
should cook mashed potatoes.
It's not only the mashed
potatoes, it's the whole meal.
Airlines serve
better food than this.
Felix, think about
the poor chef.
He has to cook for people
whose taste buds are
numb from medicine.
They eat lying down.
Some of them eat intravenously.
How would you like
to cook a pressed duck,
have a guy eat it
through his arm?
Where are you going?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Why don't you use... I
don't want to use the...
(door closes)
I'm so disappointed.
I was looking
forward to this meal.
They don't give us any breakfast
tomorrow morning, you know.
Eh... call the chef.
Now I can go to sleep.
Don't go to sleep
before the nun comes.
Before the nun comes?
You called a nun?
She's on the floor.
But you're not even a
Catholic. No, but I'm scared.
Hello.
I'm Sister Cathleen.
FELIX: Good evening,
sister. Are you comfortable?
Yes, thank you. Mm-hmm.
You both look very
well. Thank you.
We're both being operated
on tomorrow morning, sister.
Maybe you could
say a few words to...
Is there such a thing as a
deviated septum prayer?
Not specifically.
But I will say a prayer.
Thank you.
Mr. Madison here...
Sprained ankle.
You don't lie to a nun.
Mr. Madison has a
torn Achilles tendon.
Maybe you can cover us
both with the same prayer.
You don't have to
worry about anything.
But I will say a prayer
for the two of you.
Thank you, sister.
Thank you, sister.
Good-bye. Good-night.
You think it could help?
Couldn't hurt.
Felix?
Huh?
(groggily): Ah, hi, Oscar.
(groggily): Is it over?
Uh... no.
Haven't even started yet.
I feel weird.
I know.
They came in early this
morning and gave us shots...
Oh.
To prepare us for the operation.
We're drugged.
Oscar.
What?
In my entire life...
I've never been to Wyoming.
I'll drive you.
You know, that drug they...
they gave us makes
you tell the truth.
You want to hear a truth?
No.
I still love my ex-wife.
Good.
Now you tell me a truth.
I don't want to drive
you to Wyoming.
Tell me a real truth.
Nancy has a mole
on her left hip.
(laughing)
(high-pitched laughing)
Oh, you're a great man,
Oscar, you really are.
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend.
You're the best
friend I ever had.
Well, you're the
best friend I... Oh...
Let's not fight, let's
make friendship our motto.
It is our motto.
Show time.
BOTH: Take him first.
Let's go get our nose fixed now.
Oh, that's me.
Come on. I'm not afraid.
Come on. I'm not afraid.
Up you go. I'm not afraid.
Up you go. Let's go.
All right. I'm not
afraid, Oscar.
Wait! Wait!
Are there candles in
the operating room?
What for?
In case there's a power failure,
so he can finish the operation.
We-we have candles.
(sighs)
Wait, wait.
We're all brothers, you know.
Oh, Gloria. Come on.
All right, straight ahead.
FELIX: You're my eyes, Gloria.
Okay. Come on.
It's a terrible thing to
be a burden on someone.
That's all right, come on.
You're an angel, Gloria. Okay...
Where's the step?!
Where's the step?!
Right there, there's the step.
I'm all right,
Gloria. Thank you.
There's the step.
It was easier to
survive the hospital
than the taxi ride
home with this nut.
How was I supposed to know
you put your foot
up on the jump seat?!
I can't see, you know!
And you didn't help things
smoking that foul cigar
in the cab with my condition!
Felix, you're
yelling at a plant.
Did you close the door, Gloria?
I didn't hear the door close.
Your condition, your condition.
A little corn
plaster on the nose.
Have you any idea of
the pain of rhinoplasty?!
(both shouting)
Boys! Boys! Quiet!
Listen, I'm gonna stay
today and take care of you.
Oh. And I'll take
care of you, Oscar,
and I'll take
care of you, Felix.
Oh, these crutches
are killing...
But first, let me take
care of my migraine.
Gloria?
GLORIA: Yes?
Plant.
Gloria?
Mantelpiece.
Candlestick.
Gloria?
Yes? Are you going to
finish reading to me or what?
I'm coming, Felix.
Gloria, help me, help...
Okay, here we go.
You're my eyes, Gloria.
Okay.
There's... You're my...
Okay, there's the chair.
OSCAR: Gloria, I thought you
were gonna bring me some ice cream!
Ice cream. Ice...
This room is rather stuffy,
isn't it, Gloria? Use
the air freshener.
You'll find it right
there on the counter.
You know, when you can't see,
your other senses become
so much more acute.
Hmm, that's good, ah.
Read to me now, Gloria.
OSCAR: You forgot the
whipped cream, Gloria!
Gloria, you gonna
take care of him or me?
He has two eyes, he can see.
I'm only your former husband.
Gloria?
GLORIA: Sorry, Felix.
I'm just not perfect.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
Hmm. Nobody's perfect.
Even Nancy has
a big mole on her hip.
How did you know
that? I don't know.
OSCAR: Gloria,
this thing is itching.
Will you throw a hanger
down or something.
No, no, no, don't do that!
He's not supposed to scratch.
Gloria, get me a glass of water,
Water. would you,
sweetheart? Yeah.
With some shaved ice, darling.
Yeah. And maybe a straw.
(phone ringing, Felix screaming)
What is that?! What?!
It's just the...!
It's just the phone, Felix.
The phone. Oh,
the phone. I'll get it.
Hello. How fast you forget.
Oh, Nancy. OSCAR: Gloria!
My senses are so alive!
GLORIA: Nancy.
Nancy, I can't make it.
Oscar... OSCAR: Gloria!
Oscar, will you
be quiet in there!
See, basically, I'm
a very placid person.
Give the poor girl a chance!
Between the two of them,
Doesn't she have enough to do?
I just can't take
it any... Gloria!
They're fighting now, Nancy.
(Felix and Oscar shouting)
Nancy, I just wasn't cut
out to be a nurse, I'm...
I love them, but I have got
to get out of here, I'm sorry.
I love... I got to
get out of here.
Gloria.
Is the water ready
yet, because if not,
Felix. maybe I'd
rather have an eggnog.
Where am I? Help me, Gloria.
You're my eyes, Gloria.
Yes, yes, Felix.
Now, Felix, I have
got to leave. Huh?
Now, you just sit right
here. Where you going?
And everything
will be all right.
I have got to leave. I'm
sorry, but I have got to leave.
Where you going, Gloria?
I just have to get out of here.
I'm sorry, Felix. Gloria?
If you need
anything, call Nancy.
(door closes)
Did you leave, Gloria?
What happened?
I don't know.
For some strange
reason, Gloria left.
I don't blame her.
When this thing
itches, I get so cranky.
What are you doing out of bed?
What are you doing in here?
I missed you.
Tired of my room, I came
out here to sit and read.
I'll call up and find
out what time it is.
It's 8:00.
Your watch is never right.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Six.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Eight.
One, two...
Look at this, I'm
on Sesame Street.
Give me the phone. No, no!
I'll dial it for you.
Now, I don't want
to disturb you.
This is very good
therapy for me, believe me.
I forgot where I was.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Six.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Eight.
One, two... Give me the phone!
It's 8:00! Don't
you believe me?!
It's 8:00!
What difference does
it make what time it is?
Can't do anything
but go to bed anyway.
Go. It's a good idea;
you should go to bed.
Thank you.
At least I'll tidy up a
little bit before I go.
You can't even see.
How you can tell it's messy?
Instinct.
I'll empty the ashtrays.
No, that's cruel, Oscar, cruel!
You know why I'm cruel?
Because when you
clean, it makes me nervous,
when I'm nervous, I itch.
Now, will you sit down, Felix?
I clean cause I don't
know what else to do.
Go fill the tub
and bob for apples.
(sighs): Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oscar, I-I don't like to disturb
you, but how's your cigar ash?
My cigar ash is fine.
How are your shoelaces?
Why are you talking
gibberish again?
Because I don't want your ash
to get long and fall
down on the couch.
I can't afford a fire
when I can't see!
Felix, I just put it out.
I heard that, Oscar.
Where are you going?
You won't give me a
minute's peace, will you?
Oh, boy, you're
crazy, you know that?
You're absolutely crazy.
With your cleanliness fetish,
you'll drive me crazy.
(both screaming)
What?! What?!
What are you doing, Oscar?!
Don't play practical jokes!
Don't crawl around on the floor!
Oscar, what are you doing?
Pack your things
and get out! What?
Pack your things and get out!
You're kicking a blind man out
in the dead of night?
Oscar, do you realize
what you're saying?
I chose every
word very carefully.
Get out!
All right.
Point me at the door.
You're pointed, you're pointed.
Go ahead.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
That's the lamp. I'm all right.
I didn't hurt myself much.
It's all right. Don't help me.
Lamp.
I know where I
am. I can make it.
That's the sofa, sofa.
That's Oscar.
I can make it.
I don't need your help,
and I don't want your pity.
You don't have to help
me, I know where I am.
I know whe... I know where I am.
This is the steps,
the steps, closet door.
So this is the way
it ends, huh, Oscar?
Very good.
There's the coats.
So this is what
friendship means, huh?
All right, Oscar, if this
is the way you want it,
Felix... this is
the way it'll be.
Felix.
Felix, I just remembered
our friendship pact.
The one we made in the hospital.
That's why you
want me to stay, huh?
That, and you're
wearing Gloria's coat.
I don't want you
to get arrested.
It fits.
Oscar... thank you.
I'm man enough to admit
I'm glad to stay.
Oscar, look...
you're not the easiest
man in the world to live with.
But maybe we can work
out something between us.
Lamp.
Yes.
Couch.
Couch, that's right.
I have my problems, Oscar.
Oscar.
You have your problems...
"So bid the soldiers shoot.
And they all lived
happily ever after."
Nobody lives happily
ever after in Hamlet.
Nobody lives.
I'm so dizzy from
reading Hamlet.
I want to go to bed.
Wha... I...
Do me a favor, would you? What?
I know I made you a
promise I won't clean anymore,
but this air in this
room is so stuffy, Oscar.
Well, what do you care?
You're going to sleep.
How can I sleep
knowing it's stuffy?
Just, just, just for
me, just this once,
just before we go to bed,
let me freshen up
a little bit, can I?
Oh, sure, go ahead, Felix.
Good. Good.
Am I getting it everywhere?
Well, you're missing in
a few spots, right there.