The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 2 - Felix's Wife's Boyfriend - full transcript

I tell ya, you're
missing a great time.

He's one good-looking fellow.

Yeah, sure I understand.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Well, that's the last of the Zs.

Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman.

Raymond's first
night in New York.

I thought we could fix him up
with somebody cute, interesting.

Hey, Oscar, what's
the difference, huh?

The three of us will
go out and have a pizza

and have a great time.



(doorbell buzzes) I came
to see my sister anyway.

He's absolutely
right. We'll have a ball.

I know a great
Italian restaurant.

Carderellies. They
have great food there...

Oh, hi, Oscar, is Felix
here? Oh, hi, Nancy.

Hi, Gloria.

I'd like you to meet my
brother, Raymond Cunningham.

Ray, this is Gloria Unger.

How do you do,
Mr. Cunningham? How do you do?

How do you do?
You're Felix's wife.

Oh, well, I was. We're divorced.

Where's Felix?
He's up in Canada.

He had a rush assignment...
Photograph a layout.

Oh, well, I brought
his shirts over.



You still do his shirts?

Oh, just his sport shirts.

The dress shirts he
sends home to his mother.

Well, good night.
So long, Gloria.

Oh, yeah, hey, Gloria.

Uh, have you had dinner yet?

No, I haven't as
a matter of fact.

NANCY: Well, why don't
you come and eat with us?

Raymond needs a dinner partner.

GLORIA: Oh, well, no, I don't...

No, please, come on, come
on. It will be my pleasure.

Right? Fine.

She's going to come
with us. How about that?

You can come down and
help me look for the car.

It's big and the big
streets... I'll see you, Nancy.

Do you think you
should have done that?

Done what? Well, fix
Raymond up with Gloria.

What's wrong with that?

You know how jealous Felix is.

He's liable to misunderstand
the entire thing.

(laughing): Oscar, we're
just going out for pizza,

not a moonlight swim.

Besides Gloria is a free woman.

Yeah, and Felix is in
Canada 500 miles away. Right.

What are you powdering your nose
for? We're only going to go for pizza.

Whoo! Wasn't that great pizza?

I loved the pepperoni, but
the anchovy was a little salty.

Hey, honey, your
brother is one funny guy.

When he and Gloria park
the car, I want him to finish

telling me that story about
the hairdresser and the monkey.

Yeah. And, you know, you
were absolutely right about Felix.

There was nothing
to worry about...

Surprise!

On November 13, Felix Unger

was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the
home of his friend,

Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

(theme song playing)

I was supposed to
photograph a herd of moose

on their annual trek
across the country, right?

They gave me a week
to get the job done.

I get off the plane on the ice,

there's a whole herd of
moose going across the tundra.

I got my shot in 15 minutes.

I got back on the
plane, I come home.

How did I get so lucky?

Oh! OSCAR: How
did he get so lucky?

I tell you.

I was so famished,
I didn't even unpack.

I came straight to my kitchen.

I'm making eggs vichy.

If you're good,
I'll give you some.

Well, he's got to be told
about Gloria, or he'll jump

to all sorts of conclusions,
or out the window.

Well, then go in
there and tell him.

You just don't tell Felix.
You got to use a little finesse.

Okay. I'll get lost.

Hi ya, buddy. I'm glad you're
back. Listen, I want to talk...

Don't talk to me
while I'm cooking.

I've told you a thousand times.

What is it? Something important?

Sure, it's important.
Then tell me. What is it?

Well... You've done
something wrong?

No, I didn't do anything wrong.
You've done something wrong, I can...

Get me the cream.

No, Nancy's brother
Ray is in town. Ray?

Yes, you know, he
owns that ski lodge.

No, I don't think I know
him. Give me the pepper mill.

Yeah, I remember I showed
you pictures he sent to Nancy.

Ray! Yeah, yeah,
the ski bum. Ray.

The ski bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get me the bacon bits.

Bacon bits. Bacon bits.

Look at this, I'm a busboy here.

Anyway, the thing is,
he needed a dinner date

because we were
taking him out to dinner,

and we fixed him up with one.

That was very thoughtful
of you. Anybody I know?

Well, that's the funny part.
You know her very well.

Who, Carol? Your secretary,
the one with the overbite?

No, not Carol. Who?

The sexy one in the file room

with the hot pants
and the big, false...

No, no, no, no!

Well, whoever it was,
I hope he got lucky.

You do? Yes, sir.

Raymond's a swinger.
I admire that, I really do.

Love 'em and leave 'em!

Fast and loose. Swing.

Swing from the chandeliers.

I wish I could do that.

Love 'em and leave 'em.

It's Gloria.

Gloria!

The mother of my children?

Come on, Felix,
don't say it that way.

You make it sound too important.

Too important!

Oscar, take this.

Stick it in my
back. Finish the job.

Aw, come on, will you?

Nothing happened. We
just had pizza, that's all.

Nancy and I were
with them all the time.

Well, how very decent
of you to chaperone them.

Where are they now?
They're parking the car.

Where? In front of a motel?

Oh... Oh, this is just...

(feigns coughing) (muttering)

It's terrible for my sinuses.

I just... I can't
conceive, what... what?

How did Gloria get together
with such a... such a person?

Well, she came in
with your sport shirts.

It's a good thing my dress
shirts weren't delivered.

You'd have fixed him
up with my mother.

(feigns coughing)

Will you stop?!

It was just a coincidence.

Ray needed a dinner date and...

she showed up, so that was it.

You understand?

To make points
with your girlfriend,

you fixed my wife
up with a swinger.

A minute ago, you
were admiring him. Huh.

When you said swinger,
you were smiling.

A minute ago, he wasn't
swinging with my wife.

Nobody is swinging with
anybody. The only reason I told you,

I didn't want you to go into
shock when they get here.

She's bringing him here?

Yeah.

I'll hide here in the kitchen
until he goes to his hotel.

Well, he couldn't get a hotel.

Where is he staying, Oscar?

In your room, Felix.

In my room, Oscar?

In your room, Felix.

Of all the rooms in
this city full of rooms,

you put him in my room?

Now you got it.

My room... my
wife... my roommate.

If I had a dog now, he'd
probably go for my throat.

Where are they? How long
does it take to park a car?

In New York, it
could take a lifetime.

(doorbell buzzes)

I'm glad you... We, uh... Hi.

We had a little accident.

We can see.

Yeah, well, I parked the car at
the garage around the corner,

and this old-fashioned
elevator with the doors

just kind of snapped at Gloria's
dress. Snapped and tore it.

Old-fashioned elevator.

Let's try this: A vicious
German shepherd

went for your throat,

missed and grabbed
and ripped the whole thing.

Wh-Wh-What's the matter?
That is what happened.

Oh, I believe you, but some
other people might not believe you.

What other people?

That was Felix.

That's Felix?

That was Felix. That was Felix.

I thought he was in Canada.
No, he's back. He got his moose.

But he didn't say hello. Does
he know Raymond and I...

NANCY: That's why
he didn't say hello.

I had to tell him. I didn't
want him to go into shock.

RAYMOND: Well, maybe if I go
over there and explain it to him...

OSCAR: No, no, no! That's
all right. He'll be all right.

Just give him a few minutes.

He'll be fine.

I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I have
my dinner in here?

I'd eat in the kitchen, but
it's too hot from the oven.

And my blood has been thickened

by exposure to
Arctic temperature.

Oh, uh, Felix. I'd like
you to meet my brother.

Raymond Cunningham.
Ray, this is Felix Unger.

How are you doing, Felix?
I've heard a lot about you.

I've heard a lot about you, too.

FELIX: Welcome to New York.

Fun city.

Felix, you'll never
believe what happened.

But when we were
parking the car,

this elevator... just
ripped my dress!

Isn't that funny? I
said that to myself.

One look and I said,

"I'll bet a dress-tearing
elevator got her."

Wasn't that a good guess?

Knock it off, will you, Felix?

I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I disturbing anyone?

Oh, please forgive
me. I'm terribly sorry.

I'll go eat in my room.

Oh, I forgot, it isn't
my room anymore.

It's Raymond's.

That's all right.
Don't worry about me.

I'll eat in the closet.

Knock it off. You have no
one but yourself to blame.

Don't blame me. Felix.

This is an awkward situation.

But, after all,
we're all adults.

So at least we can be
civilized about it. Yes!

What a marvelous
idea! Let's be civilized!

Well, heigh-ho, everybody!

And it's martini time all over
the world and I propose a toast.

To Gloria and Raymond.

Let's hope it's not just
one of those things.

By the way, Gloria,
I love your dress.

It shows off the real you.

(blubbering)

OSCAR: Felix!

Forgive me. I'm
going to get a migraine.

I'm not surprised. Gloria, I
think you and I should go home,

and Raymond, I think you
should get your luggage

and check into a hotel. Yeah,
I think I should go to a hotel.

No! Absolutely not!

We can't kick old
Ray out in the cold

just for a little thing
like assaulting my wife.

I hate to say it, Ray,

but I think it's a
good idea. Yeah.

Now just a darn minute there!

Gloria and I are divorced.

She's a free woman.
Ray's a free man.

If I hadn't come
along unexpectedly,

you both would have
had a wonderful time.

Take it easy, Felix.

It is easy, Oscar.

Raymond will sleep in my room.

I'll sleep out here,

and I want you all to
enjoy your evening.

Don't worry about me.

That's an order.

FELIX: The ski bum is
taking my wife out tonight.

What are you doing?

You slept out here last night.

You don't have to do it again.

Why not? You're the one
who gave Raymond my room.

Well, you can sleep in my room.

I can't. Why not?

I haven't had my tetanus shots.

Hey, Felix, thanks for
lending me your shirt.

Yeah. Now can I borrow your tie?

Tie? You need a tie?
I've got all kinds of ties.

Fat ties, skinny,
I got the checks...

Maybe he wouldn't
like one with mold on it.

My tie rack is completely
open to Raymond.

As is my home.

And my wife.

Take any tie you
want. Thank you.

What is with this turnabout?

Yesterday you
were playing Othello,

today you're being Mary
Poppins. What is that?

Are you comfortable there? Yeah.

Get up!

Gloria said one of the reasons we
broke up was my persistent jealousy.

She's got a point.

You're the only person I know
who hired a female gardener.

Who ever heard of a
gardener named Ruby.

Felix, how is this? Okay?

You chose that tie, huh?

What's the matter with it?

It's the tie Gloria
and I got married in.

Great pick, Ray.

Hey, look, Felix, I
don't want to take the tie

you got married
in. No, no, no...

It looks good on you, it
does. It does, believe me.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

It's fine.

It's a little tight, Felix.

Well, I'm going to
go pick up my date.

Yeah, I think it's
a good idea, Ray.

Listen, you have a good time,
go out and have yourself a ball.

Go ahead, buddy. Hey,
and I hope you get lucky.

Oh, you got a
seven-letter word, huh?

T-R-A-I-T-O-R, traitor.

It's a good word, traitor.

Terrific, terrific. It's as
good as any of your words.

Yeah, it fits with
your other words:

"backstabber,
villain, roommate".

Look what you've got: "guilt,

sorry, forgive".

"Boo-boo" is not a word.

That's because I know
you think I'm responsible

for this entire thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not responsible, no no.

Gloria's also
partially to blame.

Not to mention Nancy's
role in this fiasco.

You're really something,
you know that?

Felix, I didn't want to tell
you this because I knew

you were in pain,

but you know really
who's at fault here?

Who? You.

Me?! Yeah, you.

(stuttering): H-H-Ha...

Ha-ba, ha-ba,
ha-ba, I'll tell you how.

You seem to forget that
Gloria is a free woman.

Now you've got two choices:

either you make a big play
for her, try to win her back

or you let her go
completely free. All right.

And if she gets lucky,
meets a nice guy

goes out, has a great time,

you should feel happy for her.

(moaning) You got two choices,

you don't pick either one.

I just hope he doesn't

keep her out too late.

She's so vulnerable
when she's sleepy.

(doorbell buzzing)

That's Raymond. He's
back. He didn't get anywhere!

He's only been gone 15 minutes.

It's not Raymond.

Hey, look who's
making house call.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Hi, Felix. Hi.

How are you?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Good.

You all over being upset?

Oh, yeah, you know me.

I roll with the punches.

Oh, yeah, he really rolls.

He's been writing me threatening
letters in the word game.

Oh, now, Felix,

I don't think you
should blame Oscar.

It's just as much my fault.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's nobody's fault.
It's me, I'm a nut.

I blow everything up out

of all proportion, you know.

I'm so... in a couple
of days he'll be gone

and the whole
thing will be over.

They won't see each other again.

Isn't that right?

What? What?

What's this look?

There's no look. Your
paranoia is showing again.

No, no, no, no. I think
she knows something

she's not saying. What?
Come on, out with it. What?

Did Raymond say something
about Gloria? What? I can take it.

Love 'em and leave 'em, huh?

He hasn't left yet.

He ever love them
without leaving them?

He ever leave them
without loving them?

Come on, out
with it. I can take it.

Did Raymond say
anything about Gloria?

Yes, Felix, he has.

He told me he thinks
very highly of Gloria.

And if he thinks
very highly of her

that means he
likes her very much.

And after like comes love.

First like, then love!

It's the razor's edge.

No, Felix, the razor's
edge is love and hate.

I'd like to give him
the razor's edge.

Nevertheless, your brother
is determined to destroy me

and marry my wife!
She's not your wife.

She's not your
wife. Thanks to you!

Now I'm responsible
for the divorce.

Ow! Ow!

(pained moaning)

You hurt your hand? No, my back.

My back! My back!

You take over, Doctor.

(clearing sinuses) Easy, easy.

Put me in the chair.

My back and my sinuses.
You see what you've done?

Raymond loves Gloria.

It's not love.

Raymond desires Gloria.

Raymond and Gloria. (chuckles)

Ray and Glo.

R and G.

NANCY: Felix, you asked me.

Nancy, you and
I will be related.

Your brother will
marry my ex-wife.

I'll send him my
child support checks.

Felix, if you'll excuse
me, I think I'll get

back to the hospital. (moans)

Believe it or not, there
are people out there

even sicker than you.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

You're sorry? I have
to baby-sit with him.

How about a kiss?

Thank you. Good luck.

Thanks. See you soon.

(door opens)

(door closes) Hey, Felix.

Would you like to
toss a ball around?

Neatly?

Hey, let's call crazy
Rhoda Zimmerman.

You want to come in and
make fun of my bedroom?

Does it give you
pleasure to torture me?

No, Felix, you're my friend.

I'm just trying to show
you how silly you're being.

Love, it can't be love.

They've know each
other two days. Infatuation.

Not even infatuation.

So they called each
other four times today.

It was just to figure out
where to meet, that's all.

So I've never heard
Gloria laugh so much.

But you got to face it,
Ray's a very funny guy.

So when they walk
down the street,

people look at them as if
they're the perfect couple.

What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?

Listen to the
looks of strangers?

Have I convinced you?

Listen, I'll go get the
cards. We'll play gin rummy.

A dime a point,
you'll make a fortune.

(screams)

I got to cut this out.

I got to cut this out.

I'm driving myself crazy.

I'm going crazy.

And I'm driving myself crazy.

If you know you're going
crazy, you must be sane, huh?

(laughing)

That's a very
funny thing I said.

(laughing)

I got to go stop them!

Felix?

Felix, come on. I
know you're here.

I can smell your nose spray.

Felix! Shh!

Quiet! You'll wake up the
kids. What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing
here? I have every right to be here.

You're crazy to be here.

You're the one who
told me to come here.

You said I had two choices.

I made the choice to
fight and win her back.

That's a good choice, but do
you think tonight is the time to do it

when she's coming home with a
date? Why don't you start tomorrow?

Because by tomorrow,
it may be too late.

If she comes here
and she finds you here,

then it will be too
late. Why? Why?

She'll know you're
the same jealous nut

she couldn't stand before.

Yeah? Yes.

I didn't think of that.
Would I lie to you?

What should I...? We'd
better get out of here.

Okay, let's go.

What's the matter?
I hear the car.

What'll we do? We'll, we'll...

(car door closes) We'll...

We got to hide someplace. Where?

I don't know. There's so
many places we could hide.

Pick one! Behind the bar.

(both laughing)

That champagne was too much.

Oh, I had a wonderful time, Ray.

Thanks so much
and it's so different

from anything I've
ever done before.

Well, the evening's still young.

Can't I come in for a
while? Oh, it's not for me.

I have to get up awfully
early with the kids, you know.

Well, I mean just
for a little while.

15 minutes? Ten? Five?

That won't do him any good.

When she says
"no", she's like a rock.

All right, ten minutes.

Come on in.

We had him down to five.

What happened? What
should I do? Time him.

If you'd like a drink,
go help yourself.

Oh, thank you. I think I...

No, as a matter of fact...

I don't need it.

I-I just don't want
to dull my senses.

I want to concentrate on you.

What a corny line.

No woman likes talk like that.

Oh, Ray, what a
lovely thing to say.

It must be his delivery.

I'd love you to come up to
the lodge some weekend.

Oh, Ray, I... No, I'm
not trying to come on

like a playboy, I really am not.

I mean, you're
something special.

You may even be
the special one for me.

Ray, I-I'm flattered,
I really am, but...

I'm afraid there's
another man in my life.

Another one?!

You fixed her up
with somebody else?

You see, even though
Felix and I are divorced,

it's... it's not quite over.

Oh, Felix, Felix.

Well, he's a nice
guy, a little fussy,

though, you know?
How could you live

with a guy like that?
GLORIA: It wasn't easy.

I mean, I haven't been in a room

like his since I
worked in a dairy.

(Gloria laughs)

Oh, well, I know
Felix has his faults.

Well, I mean for
a beautiful lady

like yourself, it's got to
be tough for the two of you

to work things out together.

I don't see us working
them out together, either.

But we can't seem to
work them out apart, either.

Well, I guess that's my
answer. I'm afraid so.

Well, no use pushing it
any further. I'm afraid not.

Well, if you ever
change your mind,

will you come up some
weekend? I will, I will.

Hey, can I kiss you
good-bye? You may.

RAYMOND: Good-bye.
GLORIA: Good night, Ray.

Ta-ta. Toodle-oo. Ta-ta.

(Gloria humming)

(sighs)

You can come out now, Felix.

You knew I was here?

I smelled your nasal spray.

Hi, Gloria. (shrieking): Oscar!

Oscar, I didn't expect you.

It wasn't on my calendar either.

Listen, don't be
too rough on him.

He's gone through an
awful lot today. No, no, no.

Don't make any apologies for me.

She's the one who
let ravishing Ray in.

And she was pretty
susceptible, too, wasn't she?

Here we go again. "Oh,
Ray, I had such a good time.

I never did anything
like that before."

You were all over him. Let's go.

We heard every word.

Well, how do you
explain yourself?

You break into my house and
you want me to explain myself.

This is also my house.

Well? Well, what?

You were hovering
behind the bar.

You heard me reject Ray.

What else would you like?

But you knew I was there.
Suppose I hadn't been there.

Then what would have happened?
That's what I want to know.

Migraine, I'm
getting a migraine.

Will the witness kindly
answer the question?

(both groaning)

Did you hurt your
finger? No, my back.

Your back. My back again.

(Felix moaning) I knew you

knew I was there.

Well, it's obvious you're
number one with Gloria.

Hmm.

I played the fool
again, didn't I?

What fool?

You were afraid of
Ray the swinger, right?

You thought he was
gay, he was debonair,

he was handsome, but he
hasn't got what you've got.

What? The ability
to play a fool?

No, personality. Aw.

You've got that, that charisma,

that magic. Macho.

Do you really think
I've got macho?

Of course.

Gloria is still
hooked on you, right?

Yeah. What about
Ray the swinger?

He's a lonely
man tonight, Felix.

Lonely. You've got to
think of the good things of it.

Don't look at the bad things.

Well, fellas, I'm all
packed and ready to go.

I think it's best that I leave.

Ray. Sorry about tonight, fella.

Can't win 'em all, you know.

Well, that's the way
it goes, Felix. Yeah.

I just don't know
what you've got.

I guess they call it... macho.

So long, Ray. So long.

You need any help with your
bags? No, no, I have some help.

They'll bring them out.

Talk about your lonely
swinger. Mm-hmm.

I've left your tie
and shirt on the bed.

Macho!

Felix, deep, deep down Yeah?

Is he happy? I think so.

(muttering)