The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 2, Episode 1 - Natural Childbirth - full transcript
Oscar's niece, Martha, is planning to have a home birth. Felix is supportive; while Oscar is panicky.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Who are you?
I'm Felix.
Who are you?
Martha.
Hello, Martha.
What are you doing in
this apartment, Martha?
Oh, well, I'm looking
for Oscar Madison.
Isn't this is his apartment?
Yes, yes, it is.
Oh. Whew.
How did you get in here?
Well, the super let me in.
I didn't have a key or anything,
so he said it was all
right if I waited inside.
He's a super super.
Is Mr. Madison expecting you?
No.
It's a surprise!
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Hi, Felix.
Oscar, how could you?
What did I do wrong?
What, am I dripping
on the floor?
I'm sorry, Felix.
Oh, don't do that.
Give me this. Felix, I've had a
rough weekend in Cleveland.
The Jets quarterback
threw 14 bad passes in a row.
The vendor threw
my hot dog straight.
(moans) My ears
are plugged up...
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
What's "tsk, tsk, tsk"?
You're going to wear
the roof of your mouth out.
Does Springfield, Iowa
ring a bell with you?
Springfield, Iowa rings a bell.
Where were you eight
and a half months ago?
I was probably standing
right here arguing with you
about dripping on the floor.
What'd I get, a
parking ticket in Iowa?
Don't you wish.
You could fix that.
Does the name Martha
ring a bell with you?
Again with the ringing of bells.
What are you
talking about, Felix.
Uncle Oscar!
Oh.
Who is she? Who is she?
Oh, is it good to see you.
I'm sorry. Wait, uh...
Do I know you?
It's me... Martha Sloan,
from Springfield, Iowa.
Aunt Blanche's niece.
Your ex-wife.
The kid with the freckles
with the boomerang!
No, that was my
little brother, Timmy.
Oh, Oscar, from my heart,
I'm so. Do the words
"you ought to be ashamed
of yourself" ring a bell?
Oscar, I'm so sorry.
I apologize.
God, I... Hey, that
was a long time ago.
Ten years.
(laughs)
What are you laughing
about? What's so funny?
You were wearing the same shirt.
We used to call
him Uncle Sloppy.
Well, I can't get over it.
This is Sid and Molly's Martha.
Boy, have you grown!
Boy, have you grown... sit down.
You're so beautiful.
And you're pregnant,
and you're in New York.
It's all so marvelous!
You got a husband?
Yes, he was supposed
to be here today.
Uncle Sloppy is such a diplomat.
I'll bet you're
hungry, aren't you?
You look knocked out.
I'll get you something to eat.
Well, where is your husband?
Germany.
Germany with the Rhine
and the water and the beer
and the lovely...
we'll go there.
We'll get him. We'll
drag him back here.
He's coming back, Uncle Oscar.
He was supposed
to be here today,
but the Army changed his orders.
Oh.
And you're the only person
that I know in New York, so...
Say something, Uncle Oscar.
Felix!
I'm here, I heard,
and Martha as far
as I'm concerned,
my half of the house is yours.
Yeah, my half of
the house is yours...
You can sleep in my bedroom.
Great. Yeah. No, no.
Not great. Don't
even look in his room.
It could affect your child.
Sleep in my room;
it's hospital clean.
Yeah, hey, listen,
I'll take care of all
the medical stuff.
I've got a girlfriend
that's a doctor, see.
I'll get you the best hospital,
the best obstetrician. Oh, no.
Uncle Oscar, I don't
want to go to a hospital.
What are you talking about?
You're going to have a baby.
You've got to go
to the hospital.
No, but I'm going to have
my baby by natural childbirth.
Natural childbirth! Bravo!
What's that natural?
Is that without doctors?
No, no, it's without
an anesthetic.
You're awake and alive
and feeling every moment.
Oh, Oscar, it's the
most fulfilling experience
a woman can have.
How do you know?
I'm a father, I know.
It's really beautiful,
Uncle Oscar.
Yeah, but they have
natural childbirth
in hospitals, too, don't they?
You know, with doctors.
Yeah, but it's not the same.
Hospitals are so antiseptic.
Phil and I want
it to be beautiful.
I want to be fully conscious
in a setting that's simple.
Central Park?
You won't remain fully
conscious there for long.
No.
We want to have
our baby in the Bronx.
The Bronx is a simple setting?
That's where we
spent our honeymoon.
We rented the same motel room,
and when Phil arrives,
we'll drive over
and have the baby.
Hmm.
Come, we'll eat, we'll talk.
Does your family know?
Sure.
That's why I ran away from home.
You ran away?
Why?
They wanted me to have
my baby in a hospital.
Well, it's not a crime, honey.
You know, they been having
pretty good babies
that way for a long time.
Yeah, well, it's fine for
people who want it that way,
but we don't... not me,
not Phil and not Eddie!
Who's Eddie?
Oh.
Look, you eat, honey.
Everything's going to be fine.
Just eat, okay?
You won't call my parents?
No, no, no, I'm just going
to get a glass of milk, honey.
Eat.
You're in good hands.
Uncle Oscar is a
little bit... excitable,
but he's very reliable.
Here we are.
For Ed.
Eat.
(softly): What are you...
Who are you calling?
Calling her parents. Oh.
Cut it out, Felix.
I have to do it.
Do you think I want to
talk to Blanche's brother
and sister-in-law who
testified against me
during the divorce,
who I swore I would
never speak to again
as long as I live?
Hello, Molly, how are you?
Who?
Timmy?
Oh, listen, let me talk
to your mommy or daddy.
Where are they?
In Germany? What
are they doing in...
They're looking for Martha.
Timmy, your sister's
not in Germany.
No, this is your Uncle Oscar
Madison from New York.
Uncle Sloppy, yeah.
Listen, do you know
where they are in Ger...
Do you know where
they are in Germany?
First, first... Who's
minding you?
Okay, let me talk to the maid.
What are you looking at?
What are you staring at?
Hello?
Oh, listen, this
is very important.
Oh, boy.
(stressing each syllable):
Mucho importante.
Donde esta in Germany
Molly and Sido?
(speaking German)
Look at this... That
she can pronounce.
Look, put Timmy back on.
I'm warning you,
Felix, at least blink.
Hello, Timmy, Timmy, listen,
if your folks get in touch
with you have them call me
in New York right away. Okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's Uncle Sloppy.
Bye.
How about this?
Everybody's in Germany,
I got a pregnant girl out there
who wants to have a baby
in a motel in the Bronx.
And I got Count Dracula
staring at my jugular vein.
What should I do?
First, you'll wait
while I'll try to forgive
you for what you just did.
You're her uncle.
Can't you talk to the girl?
Felix, she's a kid;
she's 18 years old.
What does she know about babies?
She knows enough to have one.
It's the most natural
thing in the world.
Felix, I used to drive
a car with a stick shift,
that seemed natural.
Then, along came
automatic transmissions,
I went with that.
There's nothing new
about natural childbirth.
The entire human
race was born that way
until a hundred years ago.
Name one since rubber gloves.
Don't you dare do that.
All right, I'll name
one, an athlete even.
Jim Thorpe.
My Jim Thorpe?
Your Jim Thorpe, all-American.
Born in a teepee.
No anesthetic, no
doctor, no nothing.
Maybe some man
wearing a buffalo head
shaking a rattlesnake.
Aw, quit cheating, Felix.
Who do I know personally
that's walking around
in good health who had been
born in the Bronx in a motel?
I-I-I... (mocking): I-I-I...
All right, I'll tell you
somebody you will know. Who?
Nancy, your girlfriend,
a doctor and a woman you trust.
Now, fair is fair.
Why don't you take
Martha and talk to Nancy.
Have a seat, honey.
I'll call in the Daring Duo.
Boys?
Hey, Uncle Oscar...
It's all right, honey.
Sit tight, I'll take
care of everything.
So? So...
Martha is very pregnant
and will definitely
have a child.
My bookie could've told me that.
Dr. Cunningham, Nancy,
exactly when is
the child expected?
Well, it's hard to predict
exactly, but I'd say...
soon.
12 years of medical school.
My bookie could've
told me that, too. Oscar.
Look, did you talk her out of
this natural childbirth thing?
No. Just like that, "no"?
But she'll be perfectly
all right, won't she?
Oh, I'd say she shouldn't
have a bit of trouble.
But?
There is no "but." Yeah,
there's a "but." I know her.
When she wrinkles her
forehead, there's a "but."
You think she'd be better off in
a hospital, right? Mm-hmm, I do.
Well, the point is moot.
What does that mean, moot?
A hospital's safer than
a motel in the Bronx.
And I know a
wonderful obstetrician.
OSCAR: Well, call him, honey.
It's all settled.
I'll pay for it.
NANCY: On the other hand...
Just... Uh-uh, wait
for "the other hand."
What's "the other hand"?
I waited for the "but,"
you wait for "the other hand"!
There are psychological
factors here
that could make home
delivery more desirable.
Home delivery is for
newspapers, not babies.
Oscar.
Doctor,
what are you advising her?
What are you telling her to do?
(chuckling): Oh, now, Felix.
I'm not going to tell
her to do anything.
I examined her, she's fine.
There are some
extenuating circumstances.
For instance, her
husband hasn't been here
to help prepare for the birth.
So you don't think she
should chance it, right?
Wrong.
The decision is up to her.
Well, that's what
I wanted to hear.
The decision is up to her.
I'm her uncle, and the
decision is "no," that's it.
NANCY: Now, wait a minute,
Oscar. Now, wait a minute.
This is gonna be done normally.
The first thing that
baby sees when it's born
is not gonna be a
bellhop from the Bronx.
It's gonna be a
doctor, upside down.
You said the decision
is up to her. No.
Why don't... She's gone.
Well, her bag's gone.
Oh, boy.
Oscar, the sooner we
get a description of Martha,
the sooner we can
get started on this case.
Don't you talk to
me about sooner;
you should have been
here 30 minutes ago.
Well, it's snowing out
there, do you know that?
Now, before we can do anything,
we got to get a description.
I already told you,
she's about up to here,
she's pregnant out to
there, she's wearing a black...
Is that all you noticed?
Color eyes?
Blue. FELIX: Her eyes are brown.
Blue. Put "blue" down.
No, her soul is
blue, because of you,
but her eyes are brown, if
you ever looked in her eyes.
Just put "blue"
down. Fellas, hold it!
I'll put down blue-brown.
Now, any distinguishing marks?
Didn't I tell you she's
pregnant out to there?
Why don't you put
out a general alarm?
Oscar, please, don't tell
me my business, huh?
Now, how old is the subject?
Eighteen. Eighteen.
Uh-oh.
18 is an "uh-oh"?
If she's 18, she's
no longer a juvenile,
so she's not a runaway.
At 18, she becomes
a missing person,
and that's a different form.
Okay, color eyes.
Blue! I just told you,
we went through...
Brown. Oh, yeah, blue-brown.
Now, how long has this
missing person been gone?
I don't know... About
40 minutes, I guess.
Uh-oh.
Another uh-oh?
Well, 40 minutes
isn't long enough.
You got to be gone 24 hours to
be considered a missing person.
If you're not out of
here in ten seconds,
you're going to be
considered a missing person!
I'm going to go find her.
Me, too.
Fellas, I'm sorry.
Look, I could get out
an all-points bulletin,
but that's only when
there's foul play involved.
Well, I'm awfully sorry, Murray.
There's no foul play.
Murray, try to
help us. All right.
Where would a pregnant girl
who's run away from home go?
Well, they usually
look up a relative.
And if the relative
has been inconsiderate
and unfeeling,
where would she go?
I don't know. Hey, wait minute.
From what you tell
me about this girl,
she probably went to the
Natural Childbirth Clinic.
Where's that?
It's on, uh, 36th
Street and Lexington.
Okay, let's go. And
there's two on 35th Street.
And then there's one
on Eighth Avenue.
We've got our work cut out...
Hey, listen, hey guys,
what should I do?
I don't know, Murray,
but if somebody offers you
a bribe, take it and retire.
Class, now let's get into
some controlled
breathing exercises.
Mothers-to-be into
the tailor sit position.
Good.
Coach-husbands, get
your stopwatches ready.
All right, now breathe deeply.
(inhales) Deep, deep.
Good. That's it, keep breathing.
Good.
Breathe. Good.
Sixth place... She's
not here, either.
Shh.
You know what they're
doing? (loud breathing)
What? Controlled
breathing exercises.
That's the most
important part of childbirth.
Stopwatches.
Hold your breath.
Go.
Yes, can I help you?
We have a unique... problem.
His niece... Yes, is pregnant,
and she has run away from home,
because her parents are
against natural childbirth.
I guess it's not so unique.
Well, could you help us?
We've been looking everywhere.
I haven't seen so
many pregnant women
since the big blackout.
Instructor!
Instructor! Oh, oh,
yes, class, exhale.
Uh, well, look, I'm having
a newcomer's class
in about 15 minutes.
Why don't you just sit down
and see if she shows
up for that, okay?
Thank you. Good.
Now, mommies remember
to listen to the daddies
and obey them during
natural childbirth.
Daddies are the bosses.
After baby comes, you can
resume normal relationships.
Now, pant-blow.
(panting)
Don't worry, you'll find her.
This natural childbirth
is the latest coming thing.
That's my daughter over
there with Mr. Crew Cut.
You know, when she first
told me, I was very upset,
but not anymore.
Like most parents, I adjusted.
(chuckles)
You think it's okay, huh?
Why not? My neighbor
had three this way.
How are they?
Two are fine, one is divorced.
Excuse me, could you...
Martha. Martha.
We've been looking every...
You had us worried sick.
I'm sorry, Uncle Oscar,
but I've just caused
you so much trouble.
All you do is argue
and fight over me.
That's ridiculous... all we
ever do is argue and fight.
We never get along. We
don't agree on anything.
We never agree on
anything, right? Right? Right.
But I want to have
my baby my way,
completely natural.
(class murmuring in agreement)
Oh, I don't need it from
the gallery, all right?
I don't want to sleep through
the most exciting
experience of my life.
(cheering)
I'm gonna have that baby
in that motel in the Bronx!
The Bronx?
That's too natural for me.
They're your friends, and they
want you to go to a hospital.
Yes, your uncle is right, Miss.
I mean, I teach this class,
and we strongly recommend
the use of a hospital.
Martha, we're only
thinking of you, and of Eddie.
Well...
can I have it naturally?
Yes! In a hospital.
Yes.
(cheering)
As long as you're here,
you might just as well
get in on the lessons.
Oh, but your
coach-husband isn't here.
Oh, you have to have a
husband here to coach you.
Uncle Oscar,
would you be my
coach-husband till Phil arrives?
Move over will you, I got a lady
here who's gonna have a baby.
Let's make a little more
room for the big girl.
Come take your coat off.
FELIX: No, no,
no, you're panting.
(panting) Like a puppy.
No, we don't want panting.
We want deep breathing.
Now, slow, easy,
deep... and relax.
Slow, easy, deep and relax.
That's very good.
Could we take a
break, Uncle Felix.
I'm dying for some
pickles and ice cream.
You bought them, honey.
No, no, we've got
a lot of work to do.
Now, next is the side
relaxation position.
We need you for this.
Now, get the pillows,
'cause we need that.
Yeah, yeah, get the
pillows. Now, here we are.
Side relaxation.
There we go, lie down.
Now, the neck and wrists
must be completely
limp and loose.
Limp. Okay, come on.
And the limbs must be bent.
All right, now...
relax is the key.
The husband should
tell the mother to relax.
Tell her to relax.
Relax, mother. That's good.
Tell her to be limp,
rub her back, talk to her.
Be limp.
Improvise.
Give her assurance,
give her confidence.
That's the key.
Come on, I want you to breathe.
Now, you got to breathe
nice; you got nothing to lose.
I'm telling you... you get in
there, honey, and you breathe.
You can't lose.
We're all on your side.
You're gonna do it, honey.
You're gonna... How's that?
That's fine for between the
rounds with "Sugar" Ray Robinson.
I don't know what to say, Felix.
Uncle Felix...
You just breathe deeply.
I'll help with the
birth of this child.
Boy, you're going to
need some more coaching.
Well, you're taking
this too seriously,
and you're exhausting her.
I'm taking motherhood
too seriously?!
Now, deep abdominal breathing.
Oh, I feel funny, Uncle Oscar.
OSCAR: What?
I feel funny.
What do you mean "funny"?
Funny ha-ha funny
or funny here funny?
Funny here funny.
Funny here funny like strange
or funny like,
like a contraction?
I don't know.
Maybe it's indigestion
or something.
No, I have indigestion.
No, no, no, this is
nothing to worry about.
I've been a father twice.
I've been through all of this.
There's no reason for panic.
Now, we've got the book here
to tell us exactly what to do.
Now, just, we'll assume
just for the sake of argument,
that it is a contraction.
Now, how long,
how long was this?
I just had the one.
Oh. Well...
then we'll just wait
for another one.
Meantime, I think
Oscar should call Nancy
and make the whatever prepara...
It's all right with
you if Nancy's called,
isn't it Martha? (Oscar dialing)
Sure, fine. Certainly.
Mm-hmm.
Now, this has
been going on Hello.
For millions of years.
Dr. Cunningham, please.
There's absolutely
nothing to worry about.
Yeah, well, listen,
leave a message.
She's to call Oscar
Madison right away.
If she's in the neighborhood,
she's to drop in,
because it's very,
very important!
Yeah. (hangs up phone)
You shouldn't
have told it like that.
She'll think it's an emergency.
There's no real rush.
Ooh, there's another one!
They feel like contractions!
Oh. That's two.
She's gonna have it right now!
You really think
it's a contraction?
Well, why don't we time it?
Stopwatch!
Time it! Time what?!
Her alleged contractions.
Start it! Start
it! I've started it.
We'll see how long it is before
the next one comes along.
If there is a next one.
I don't think it could
have been a contraction,
'cause that would
mean you were in labor.
(Oscar dialing) I know.
And you're not due for a week,
so I don't think it
could be a contraction.
MARTHA: I guess you're right.
Hello. Listen, send me a cab.
Yes, it's very important.
Why? Because she's
going to have the baby,
and I want her to
go to the hospital.
Oh, no. What strike?!
You had a strike last week.
What is it with you guys?!
Ooh, there's another one!
Another one, so soon? Uh-huh.
Well, well... What's the time?
3:30.
No, on the stopwatch
what's the time?!
A minute, 45 seconds...
What's that mean?
Minute... Well, it
doesn't mean anything
unless it's under two minutes,
so it's a minute and 40...
Oh, my, God, she's
in labor! Oh! Oh, no.
She's going to
have a little baby.
Oh. Call an
ambulance! Don't panic!
Get out of the way.
Operator?
Operator, we need an ambulance.
Anybody's. Anybody's.
Just a white car
with a bed in it.
Go to your room,
pack a light bag.
Here, here the book will
tell you what you'll need.
Take her the book.
Pack a bag for me, too.
Go, go, go!
Hello, ambulance.
We have a pregnant woman here.
Yes, 1049 Park
Avenue, apartment 1102,
and hurry!
What do you mean an hour? Why?
What blizzard?
Wait, Oscar, is
there a blizzard?
I can't tell, it's all white.
Go to your room and lie
down! That's an order! Go!
Go! Hello, hello,
get here in a hurry...
This is an emergency!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Felix, will you hurry
up with the pillows?
What do you got there?
Chicken soup.
She doesn't need chicken soup.
She needs the pillows.
Hurry up, will you? Oh, oh.
(door buzzer sounds)
Oh.
Oh, Nancy, thank goodness
you're here! Felix, what's wrong?
What an emergency!
(door buzzer sounds)
Take these pillows
back with Martha.
Oh, oh!
I found Martha.
That's not Martha.
Martha's back in the
bedroom having her baby.
Well, she's pregnant, from
Iowa with blue-brown eyes.
Well, you can forget
the blue-brown eyes.
The rest of her isn't Martha.
I'm sorry, Miss.
Mrs.
Felix, I'm sorry, I didn't...
Forget it, Murray.
You did your best.
That's what's so tragic.
I kept telling this cop
I don't know anybody
named Oscar or Felix,
but he wouldn't listen.
I'm very for the inconvenience.
Are you a runaway, too?
Are you kidding?
I support both my parents.
MURRAY: Listen,
I got a form I...
Okay, where's the patient?
Here, here he is.
All right. All right.
Take him up.
Oh, oh! No!
Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute.
That's not the patient. No.
The call was for a
pregnant girl having a baby.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
No, no, not me!
No, no, no, not
that pregnant girl.
That pregnant girl
in the other room!
Oh.
Oh. False alarm.
Where's Martha?
Can I use your phone?
Where is she? Yeah.
Where's Martha?
(baby crying)
What is that?
Is that the baby?
Huh? It's a baby.
A beautiful baby boy.
A baby, it was a
beau... a beautiful baby.
It was a nice baby. Oh, Oscar.
Look, everybody. Oh! Oh!
Here's Eddie.
Oh, look.
Delivered by
Dr. Nancy Cunningham,
ably assisted by Oscar Madison.
(laughs)
Oscar, you son of a gun.
We did it!
Yes, Mom, Phil called.
He'll be here tomorrow.
Bye.
Thank you, Uncle
Oscar, for calling them.
You come and sit down.
You've only been a
mother about two hours now.
Oh, I've known women
who were up 15
minutes after childbirth.
Who's the doctor
here, you or me?
OSCAR: Sit down here.
Martha, that is the
most beautiful baby
I've ever seen.
I feel funny, Officer.
Oh, no, no. No!
You mean funny,
ha-ha, or funny...?
We're not gonna have
another birth here, no!
No! Felix, don't.
No, no. No, come on, stop.
Please, I couldn't
go through that again.
It's not going to
happen. No, no.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Who are you?
I'm Felix.
Who are you?
Martha.
Hello, Martha.
What are you doing in
this apartment, Martha?
Oh, well, I'm looking
for Oscar Madison.
Isn't this is his apartment?
Yes, yes, it is.
Oh. Whew.
How did you get in here?
Well, the super let me in.
I didn't have a key or anything,
so he said it was all
right if I waited inside.
He's a super super.
Is Mr. Madison expecting you?
No.
It's a surprise!
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Hi, Felix.
Oscar, how could you?
What did I do wrong?
What, am I dripping
on the floor?
I'm sorry, Felix.
Oh, don't do that.
Give me this. Felix, I've had a
rough weekend in Cleveland.
The Jets quarterback
threw 14 bad passes in a row.
The vendor threw
my hot dog straight.
(moans) My ears
are plugged up...
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
What's "tsk, tsk, tsk"?
You're going to wear
the roof of your mouth out.
Does Springfield, Iowa
ring a bell with you?
Springfield, Iowa rings a bell.
Where were you eight
and a half months ago?
I was probably standing
right here arguing with you
about dripping on the floor.
What'd I get, a
parking ticket in Iowa?
Don't you wish.
You could fix that.
Does the name Martha
ring a bell with you?
Again with the ringing of bells.
What are you
talking about, Felix.
Uncle Oscar!
Oh.
Who is she? Who is she?
Oh, is it good to see you.
I'm sorry. Wait, uh...
Do I know you?
It's me... Martha Sloan,
from Springfield, Iowa.
Aunt Blanche's niece.
Your ex-wife.
The kid with the freckles
with the boomerang!
No, that was my
little brother, Timmy.
Oh, Oscar, from my heart,
I'm so. Do the words
"you ought to be ashamed
of yourself" ring a bell?
Oscar, I'm so sorry.
I apologize.
God, I... Hey, that
was a long time ago.
Ten years.
(laughs)
What are you laughing
about? What's so funny?
You were wearing the same shirt.
We used to call
him Uncle Sloppy.
Well, I can't get over it.
This is Sid and Molly's Martha.
Boy, have you grown!
Boy, have you grown... sit down.
You're so beautiful.
And you're pregnant,
and you're in New York.
It's all so marvelous!
You got a husband?
Yes, he was supposed
to be here today.
Uncle Sloppy is such a diplomat.
I'll bet you're
hungry, aren't you?
You look knocked out.
I'll get you something to eat.
Well, where is your husband?
Germany.
Germany with the Rhine
and the water and the beer
and the lovely...
we'll go there.
We'll get him. We'll
drag him back here.
He's coming back, Uncle Oscar.
He was supposed
to be here today,
but the Army changed his orders.
Oh.
And you're the only person
that I know in New York, so...
Say something, Uncle Oscar.
Felix!
I'm here, I heard,
and Martha as far
as I'm concerned,
my half of the house is yours.
Yeah, my half of
the house is yours...
You can sleep in my bedroom.
Great. Yeah. No, no.
Not great. Don't
even look in his room.
It could affect your child.
Sleep in my room;
it's hospital clean.
Yeah, hey, listen,
I'll take care of all
the medical stuff.
I've got a girlfriend
that's a doctor, see.
I'll get you the best hospital,
the best obstetrician. Oh, no.
Uncle Oscar, I don't
want to go to a hospital.
What are you talking about?
You're going to have a baby.
You've got to go
to the hospital.
No, but I'm going to have
my baby by natural childbirth.
Natural childbirth! Bravo!
What's that natural?
Is that without doctors?
No, no, it's without
an anesthetic.
You're awake and alive
and feeling every moment.
Oh, Oscar, it's the
most fulfilling experience
a woman can have.
How do you know?
I'm a father, I know.
It's really beautiful,
Uncle Oscar.
Yeah, but they have
natural childbirth
in hospitals, too, don't they?
You know, with doctors.
Yeah, but it's not the same.
Hospitals are so antiseptic.
Phil and I want
it to be beautiful.
I want to be fully conscious
in a setting that's simple.
Central Park?
You won't remain fully
conscious there for long.
No.
We want to have
our baby in the Bronx.
The Bronx is a simple setting?
That's where we
spent our honeymoon.
We rented the same motel room,
and when Phil arrives,
we'll drive over
and have the baby.
Hmm.
Come, we'll eat, we'll talk.
Does your family know?
Sure.
That's why I ran away from home.
You ran away?
Why?
They wanted me to have
my baby in a hospital.
Well, it's not a crime, honey.
You know, they been having
pretty good babies
that way for a long time.
Yeah, well, it's fine for
people who want it that way,
but we don't... not me,
not Phil and not Eddie!
Who's Eddie?
Oh.
Look, you eat, honey.
Everything's going to be fine.
Just eat, okay?
You won't call my parents?
No, no, no, I'm just going
to get a glass of milk, honey.
Eat.
You're in good hands.
Uncle Oscar is a
little bit... excitable,
but he's very reliable.
Here we are.
For Ed.
Eat.
(softly): What are you...
Who are you calling?
Calling her parents. Oh.
Cut it out, Felix.
I have to do it.
Do you think I want to
talk to Blanche's brother
and sister-in-law who
testified against me
during the divorce,
who I swore I would
never speak to again
as long as I live?
Hello, Molly, how are you?
Who?
Timmy?
Oh, listen, let me talk
to your mommy or daddy.
Where are they?
In Germany? What
are they doing in...
They're looking for Martha.
Timmy, your sister's
not in Germany.
No, this is your Uncle Oscar
Madison from New York.
Uncle Sloppy, yeah.
Listen, do you know
where they are in Ger...
Do you know where
they are in Germany?
First, first... Who's
minding you?
Okay, let me talk to the maid.
What are you looking at?
What are you staring at?
Hello?
Oh, listen, this
is very important.
Oh, boy.
(stressing each syllable):
Mucho importante.
Donde esta in Germany
Molly and Sido?
(speaking German)
Look at this... That
she can pronounce.
Look, put Timmy back on.
I'm warning you,
Felix, at least blink.
Hello, Timmy, Timmy, listen,
if your folks get in touch
with you have them call me
in New York right away. Okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's Uncle Sloppy.
Bye.
How about this?
Everybody's in Germany,
I got a pregnant girl out there
who wants to have a baby
in a motel in the Bronx.
And I got Count Dracula
staring at my jugular vein.
What should I do?
First, you'll wait
while I'll try to forgive
you for what you just did.
You're her uncle.
Can't you talk to the girl?
Felix, she's a kid;
she's 18 years old.
What does she know about babies?
She knows enough to have one.
It's the most natural
thing in the world.
Felix, I used to drive
a car with a stick shift,
that seemed natural.
Then, along came
automatic transmissions,
I went with that.
There's nothing new
about natural childbirth.
The entire human
race was born that way
until a hundred years ago.
Name one since rubber gloves.
Don't you dare do that.
All right, I'll name
one, an athlete even.
Jim Thorpe.
My Jim Thorpe?
Your Jim Thorpe, all-American.
Born in a teepee.
No anesthetic, no
doctor, no nothing.
Maybe some man
wearing a buffalo head
shaking a rattlesnake.
Aw, quit cheating, Felix.
Who do I know personally
that's walking around
in good health who had been
born in the Bronx in a motel?
I-I-I... (mocking): I-I-I...
All right, I'll tell you
somebody you will know. Who?
Nancy, your girlfriend,
a doctor and a woman you trust.
Now, fair is fair.
Why don't you take
Martha and talk to Nancy.
Have a seat, honey.
I'll call in the Daring Duo.
Boys?
Hey, Uncle Oscar...
It's all right, honey.
Sit tight, I'll take
care of everything.
So? So...
Martha is very pregnant
and will definitely
have a child.
My bookie could've told me that.
Dr. Cunningham, Nancy,
exactly when is
the child expected?
Well, it's hard to predict
exactly, but I'd say...
soon.
12 years of medical school.
My bookie could've
told me that, too. Oscar.
Look, did you talk her out of
this natural childbirth thing?
No. Just like that, "no"?
But she'll be perfectly
all right, won't she?
Oh, I'd say she shouldn't
have a bit of trouble.
But?
There is no "but." Yeah,
there's a "but." I know her.
When she wrinkles her
forehead, there's a "but."
You think she'd be better off in
a hospital, right? Mm-hmm, I do.
Well, the point is moot.
What does that mean, moot?
A hospital's safer than
a motel in the Bronx.
And I know a
wonderful obstetrician.
OSCAR: Well, call him, honey.
It's all settled.
I'll pay for it.
NANCY: On the other hand...
Just... Uh-uh, wait
for "the other hand."
What's "the other hand"?
I waited for the "but,"
you wait for "the other hand"!
There are psychological
factors here
that could make home
delivery more desirable.
Home delivery is for
newspapers, not babies.
Oscar.
Doctor,
what are you advising her?
What are you telling her to do?
(chuckling): Oh, now, Felix.
I'm not going to tell
her to do anything.
I examined her, she's fine.
There are some
extenuating circumstances.
For instance, her
husband hasn't been here
to help prepare for the birth.
So you don't think she
should chance it, right?
Wrong.
The decision is up to her.
Well, that's what
I wanted to hear.
The decision is up to her.
I'm her uncle, and the
decision is "no," that's it.
NANCY: Now, wait a minute,
Oscar. Now, wait a minute.
This is gonna be done normally.
The first thing that
baby sees when it's born
is not gonna be a
bellhop from the Bronx.
It's gonna be a
doctor, upside down.
You said the decision
is up to her. No.
Why don't... She's gone.
Well, her bag's gone.
Oh, boy.
Oscar, the sooner we
get a description of Martha,
the sooner we can
get started on this case.
Don't you talk to
me about sooner;
you should have been
here 30 minutes ago.
Well, it's snowing out
there, do you know that?
Now, before we can do anything,
we got to get a description.
I already told you,
she's about up to here,
she's pregnant out to
there, she's wearing a black...
Is that all you noticed?
Color eyes?
Blue. FELIX: Her eyes are brown.
Blue. Put "blue" down.
No, her soul is
blue, because of you,
but her eyes are brown, if
you ever looked in her eyes.
Just put "blue"
down. Fellas, hold it!
I'll put down blue-brown.
Now, any distinguishing marks?
Didn't I tell you she's
pregnant out to there?
Why don't you put
out a general alarm?
Oscar, please, don't tell
me my business, huh?
Now, how old is the subject?
Eighteen. Eighteen.
Uh-oh.
18 is an "uh-oh"?
If she's 18, she's
no longer a juvenile,
so she's not a runaway.
At 18, she becomes
a missing person,
and that's a different form.
Okay, color eyes.
Blue! I just told you,
we went through...
Brown. Oh, yeah, blue-brown.
Now, how long has this
missing person been gone?
I don't know... About
40 minutes, I guess.
Uh-oh.
Another uh-oh?
Well, 40 minutes
isn't long enough.
You got to be gone 24 hours to
be considered a missing person.
If you're not out of
here in ten seconds,
you're going to be
considered a missing person!
I'm going to go find her.
Me, too.
Fellas, I'm sorry.
Look, I could get out
an all-points bulletin,
but that's only when
there's foul play involved.
Well, I'm awfully sorry, Murray.
There's no foul play.
Murray, try to
help us. All right.
Where would a pregnant girl
who's run away from home go?
Well, they usually
look up a relative.
And if the relative
has been inconsiderate
and unfeeling,
where would she go?
I don't know. Hey, wait minute.
From what you tell
me about this girl,
she probably went to the
Natural Childbirth Clinic.
Where's that?
It's on, uh, 36th
Street and Lexington.
Okay, let's go. And
there's two on 35th Street.
And then there's one
on Eighth Avenue.
We've got our work cut out...
Hey, listen, hey guys,
what should I do?
I don't know, Murray,
but if somebody offers you
a bribe, take it and retire.
Class, now let's get into
some controlled
breathing exercises.
Mothers-to-be into
the tailor sit position.
Good.
Coach-husbands, get
your stopwatches ready.
All right, now breathe deeply.
(inhales) Deep, deep.
Good. That's it, keep breathing.
Good.
Breathe. Good.
Sixth place... She's
not here, either.
Shh.
You know what they're
doing? (loud breathing)
What? Controlled
breathing exercises.
That's the most
important part of childbirth.
Stopwatches.
Hold your breath.
Go.
Yes, can I help you?
We have a unique... problem.
His niece... Yes, is pregnant,
and she has run away from home,
because her parents are
against natural childbirth.
I guess it's not so unique.
Well, could you help us?
We've been looking everywhere.
I haven't seen so
many pregnant women
since the big blackout.
Instructor!
Instructor! Oh, oh,
yes, class, exhale.
Uh, well, look, I'm having
a newcomer's class
in about 15 minutes.
Why don't you just sit down
and see if she shows
up for that, okay?
Thank you. Good.
Now, mommies remember
to listen to the daddies
and obey them during
natural childbirth.
Daddies are the bosses.
After baby comes, you can
resume normal relationships.
Now, pant-blow.
(panting)
Don't worry, you'll find her.
This natural childbirth
is the latest coming thing.
That's my daughter over
there with Mr. Crew Cut.
You know, when she first
told me, I was very upset,
but not anymore.
Like most parents, I adjusted.
(chuckles)
You think it's okay, huh?
Why not? My neighbor
had three this way.
How are they?
Two are fine, one is divorced.
Excuse me, could you...
Martha. Martha.
We've been looking every...
You had us worried sick.
I'm sorry, Uncle Oscar,
but I've just caused
you so much trouble.
All you do is argue
and fight over me.
That's ridiculous... all we
ever do is argue and fight.
We never get along. We
don't agree on anything.
We never agree on
anything, right? Right? Right.
But I want to have
my baby my way,
completely natural.
(class murmuring in agreement)
Oh, I don't need it from
the gallery, all right?
I don't want to sleep through
the most exciting
experience of my life.
(cheering)
I'm gonna have that baby
in that motel in the Bronx!
The Bronx?
That's too natural for me.
They're your friends, and they
want you to go to a hospital.
Yes, your uncle is right, Miss.
I mean, I teach this class,
and we strongly recommend
the use of a hospital.
Martha, we're only
thinking of you, and of Eddie.
Well...
can I have it naturally?
Yes! In a hospital.
Yes.
(cheering)
As long as you're here,
you might just as well
get in on the lessons.
Oh, but your
coach-husband isn't here.
Oh, you have to have a
husband here to coach you.
Uncle Oscar,
would you be my
coach-husband till Phil arrives?
Move over will you, I got a lady
here who's gonna have a baby.
Let's make a little more
room for the big girl.
Come take your coat off.
FELIX: No, no,
no, you're panting.
(panting) Like a puppy.
No, we don't want panting.
We want deep breathing.
Now, slow, easy,
deep... and relax.
Slow, easy, deep and relax.
That's very good.
Could we take a
break, Uncle Felix.
I'm dying for some
pickles and ice cream.
You bought them, honey.
No, no, we've got
a lot of work to do.
Now, next is the side
relaxation position.
We need you for this.
Now, get the pillows,
'cause we need that.
Yeah, yeah, get the
pillows. Now, here we are.
Side relaxation.
There we go, lie down.
Now, the neck and wrists
must be completely
limp and loose.
Limp. Okay, come on.
And the limbs must be bent.
All right, now...
relax is the key.
The husband should
tell the mother to relax.
Tell her to relax.
Relax, mother. That's good.
Tell her to be limp,
rub her back, talk to her.
Be limp.
Improvise.
Give her assurance,
give her confidence.
That's the key.
Come on, I want you to breathe.
Now, you got to breathe
nice; you got nothing to lose.
I'm telling you... you get in
there, honey, and you breathe.
You can't lose.
We're all on your side.
You're gonna do it, honey.
You're gonna... How's that?
That's fine for between the
rounds with "Sugar" Ray Robinson.
I don't know what to say, Felix.
Uncle Felix...
You just breathe deeply.
I'll help with the
birth of this child.
Boy, you're going to
need some more coaching.
Well, you're taking
this too seriously,
and you're exhausting her.
I'm taking motherhood
too seriously?!
Now, deep abdominal breathing.
Oh, I feel funny, Uncle Oscar.
OSCAR: What?
I feel funny.
What do you mean "funny"?
Funny ha-ha funny
or funny here funny?
Funny here funny.
Funny here funny like strange
or funny like,
like a contraction?
I don't know.
Maybe it's indigestion
or something.
No, I have indigestion.
No, no, no, this is
nothing to worry about.
I've been a father twice.
I've been through all of this.
There's no reason for panic.
Now, we've got the book here
to tell us exactly what to do.
Now, just, we'll assume
just for the sake of argument,
that it is a contraction.
Now, how long,
how long was this?
I just had the one.
Oh. Well...
then we'll just wait
for another one.
Meantime, I think
Oscar should call Nancy
and make the whatever prepara...
It's all right with
you if Nancy's called,
isn't it Martha? (Oscar dialing)
Sure, fine. Certainly.
Mm-hmm.
Now, this has
been going on Hello.
For millions of years.
Dr. Cunningham, please.
There's absolutely
nothing to worry about.
Yeah, well, listen,
leave a message.
She's to call Oscar
Madison right away.
If she's in the neighborhood,
she's to drop in,
because it's very,
very important!
Yeah. (hangs up phone)
You shouldn't
have told it like that.
She'll think it's an emergency.
There's no real rush.
Ooh, there's another one!
They feel like contractions!
Oh. That's two.
She's gonna have it right now!
You really think
it's a contraction?
Well, why don't we time it?
Stopwatch!
Time it! Time what?!
Her alleged contractions.
Start it! Start
it! I've started it.
We'll see how long it is before
the next one comes along.
If there is a next one.
I don't think it could
have been a contraction,
'cause that would
mean you were in labor.
(Oscar dialing) I know.
And you're not due for a week,
so I don't think it
could be a contraction.
MARTHA: I guess you're right.
Hello. Listen, send me a cab.
Yes, it's very important.
Why? Because she's
going to have the baby,
and I want her to
go to the hospital.
Oh, no. What strike?!
You had a strike last week.
What is it with you guys?!
Ooh, there's another one!
Another one, so soon? Uh-huh.
Well, well... What's the time?
3:30.
No, on the stopwatch
what's the time?!
A minute, 45 seconds...
What's that mean?
Minute... Well, it
doesn't mean anything
unless it's under two minutes,
so it's a minute and 40...
Oh, my, God, she's
in labor! Oh! Oh, no.
She's going to
have a little baby.
Oh. Call an
ambulance! Don't panic!
Get out of the way.
Operator?
Operator, we need an ambulance.
Anybody's. Anybody's.
Just a white car
with a bed in it.
Go to your room,
pack a light bag.
Here, here the book will
tell you what you'll need.
Take her the book.
Pack a bag for me, too.
Go, go, go!
Hello, ambulance.
We have a pregnant woman here.
Yes, 1049 Park
Avenue, apartment 1102,
and hurry!
What do you mean an hour? Why?
What blizzard?
Wait, Oscar, is
there a blizzard?
I can't tell, it's all white.
Go to your room and lie
down! That's an order! Go!
Go! Hello, hello,
get here in a hurry...
This is an emergency!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Felix, will you hurry
up with the pillows?
What do you got there?
Chicken soup.
She doesn't need chicken soup.
She needs the pillows.
Hurry up, will you? Oh, oh.
(door buzzer sounds)
Oh.
Oh, Nancy, thank goodness
you're here! Felix, what's wrong?
What an emergency!
(door buzzer sounds)
Take these pillows
back with Martha.
Oh, oh!
I found Martha.
That's not Martha.
Martha's back in the
bedroom having her baby.
Well, she's pregnant, from
Iowa with blue-brown eyes.
Well, you can forget
the blue-brown eyes.
The rest of her isn't Martha.
I'm sorry, Miss.
Mrs.
Felix, I'm sorry, I didn't...
Forget it, Murray.
You did your best.
That's what's so tragic.
I kept telling this cop
I don't know anybody
named Oscar or Felix,
but he wouldn't listen.
I'm very for the inconvenience.
Are you a runaway, too?
Are you kidding?
I support both my parents.
MURRAY: Listen,
I got a form I...
Okay, where's the patient?
Here, here he is.
All right. All right.
Take him up.
Oh, oh! No!
Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute.
That's not the patient. No.
The call was for a
pregnant girl having a baby.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
No, no, not me!
No, no, no, not
that pregnant girl.
That pregnant girl
in the other room!
Oh.
Oh. False alarm.
Where's Martha?
Can I use your phone?
Where is she? Yeah.
Where's Martha?
(baby crying)
What is that?
Is that the baby?
Huh? It's a baby.
A beautiful baby boy.
A baby, it was a
beau... a beautiful baby.
It was a nice baby. Oh, Oscar.
Look, everybody. Oh! Oh!
Here's Eddie.
Oh, look.
Delivered by
Dr. Nancy Cunningham,
ably assisted by Oscar Madison.
(laughs)
Oscar, you son of a gun.
We did it!
Yes, Mom, Phil called.
He'll be here tomorrow.
Bye.
Thank you, Uncle
Oscar, for calling them.
You come and sit down.
You've only been a
mother about two hours now.
Oh, I've known women
who were up 15
minutes after childbirth.
Who's the doctor
here, you or me?
OSCAR: Sit down here.
Martha, that is the
most beautiful baby
I've ever seen.
I feel funny, Officer.
Oh, no, no. No!
You mean funny,
ha-ha, or funny...?
We're not gonna have
another birth here, no!
No! Felix, don't.
No, no. No, come on, stop.
Please, I couldn't
go through that again.
It's not going to
happen. No, no.