The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 24 - Trapped - full transcript
Just before a masquerade ball, Felix, Oscar and Nancy get trapped in the basement.
( siren wailing )
( all talking rapidly )
One at a time!
( blowing whistle )
Hold it, hold it. All right.
Now, let's hear
from the devil first.
Why were you all in the
basement in the first place?
It's very simple.
We went... Oh! My back is...
Officer, let me explain.
We were on our
way to a dinner party.
In the basement?
It must not be a
very elegant affair.
Let me explain.
You take care of Felix.
See if you could
straighten him out.
You mean, she's really a nurse?
She's a doctor.
Oh, and I suppose you're
really King Arthur, right?
Do you think this is
the best time possible
for your funny jokes?
Just explain this
to me, will ya?
Where did you all get
those ridiculous outfits
and why did you
deliberately break
the shoe-store window?
Oh, I can explain that.
Officer, officer,
arrest that man!
He tried to molest my wife!
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he knew she was right
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Who asked you to
bust in here anyway?
I got a perfect right!
( blowing whistle )
Hold it, hold it! Quiet!
I'm fed up with all of you!
Somebody better tell me
everything that happened fast,
or else you're all under arrest.
On what charge?
Breaking and entering,
disturbing the peace,
possible assault,
indecent exposure...
Officer, could I make
one final attempt
to explain what happened?
Okay, devil.
At 7:00 this evening, I was
peacefully getting dressed.
I was putting my cape on...
( laughing evilly )
( key turning in lock )
Hiya, buddy, what's new?
Felix, I just covered
the greatest fight.
They have fights in the
middle of the afternoon?
Not a boxing match.
I covered a brawl
in a hockey game.
( laughing evilly )
You look good...
I like your hair.
FELIX: Pick up your coat.
I'm not going to say anything
about your cockamamie costume.
You'll go to any
extreme, won't you?
You'll be my conscience and
I'll clean up my room, right?
This is my costume for tonight.
Tonight? What's tonight?
Oscar, you know perfectly well.
Tonight Gloria's women's club
has its annual costume party.
I thought that was
tomorrow night.
How could you think
it was tomorrow night!?
I reminded you this morning
before you went to work!
Felix, you know I never
listen to you in the morning.
Where's your costume?
I'll go get it.
Listen, I want to go, too, it
cost me $100 for two tickets!
No, it's too late!
The costumer closes at 6:00.
You sure?
Oh! I'll go by myself!
What are you going
to do about Nancy?
Nancy? Hey, she thinks
it's tomorrow night, too.
No, she doesn't.
I phoned her at the hospital.
She listens to me.
Thanks a lot, Felix.
I just lost a 100
bucks and my girl.
"Thanks a lot, Felix"?
You know I hate to go
to these stupid affairs.
I asked you to buy tickets
as a favor to me as a friend.
For the last two years,
Gloria has invited
somebody else as her escort.
I thought if I sold
a lot of tickets
she'd ask me, and she did.
Yeah, listen, Felix, can
I get my money back?
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
This is a charity benefit.
Your hundred dollars
has gone to help needy orphans.
All right.
Never mind, we'll
find ten orphans
who'll give you a dollar
apiece a year for ten years.
Oh, come on.
Only, don't feel too bad
if you get it in pennies.
Felix, come on.
Devils don't cry.
Felix, look, I don't
have to go as Peter Pan.
Look, we'll find me a costume.
Come on, I know there's
something in my
room we can find.
Come on.
Why don't you go
as a stale cracker?
That's not clever enough.
I got it, listen...
I'll put on my hat,
I'll put a pencil behind my ear,
and go as a sportswriter.
That's clever?
You don't like that one?
I tell you what I could do.
I could wear the
bedspread, go as a germ.
Why don't you wear the whole
room, and go as the plague?
Oh, what's the use?
I can just see Gloria,
dressed as an angel
with a shining halo
and dainty little wings...
hating my guts.
Come on, Felix,
you're overreacting.
Look, I'll help you out.
Have I ever let you down before?
How many times have I tried
to bring you and
Gloria together...
and I just sat on a banana.
Would you believe it?
Ech!
I've begged you
not to eat in bed.
Why do you sleep with your food?
Coyotes sleep with their food.
How do you take
bananas off pants?
Why don't you call a monkey?
Felix... I could go
nude as Mr. Godiva.
Another joke, huh?
That's it, I'm going by myself.
You're going to
break Nancy's heart,
you're going to
ruin Gloria's evening
and you're going
to ruin my evening.
I hope you're happy.
What is it, Felix? What?
You look like you have
a light bulb on your head.
What is it?
There's a suit of
armor in the basement.
What were you doing
down in the basement?
I noticed it when I was
cleaning the basement last year.
You cleaned the basement?
I had a day to kill.
It was a little big on me,
so it'll be perfect for you.
( buzzer sounds )
Nancy.
There she is!
I hope I'm not late.
You're exactly on...
You forgot your costume.
I didn't, Felix.
It's right here in this box.
Oscar, where's your costume?
Oscar is going to be a
knight in shining armor.
His costume is in the basement.
We're going down
there to get it now.
Oh, all right, I have
to get into my costume
and put on my makeup.
Be back for you
in seven minutes.
Good, perfect... Oscar?
You've got mashed
potatoes on your pants.
No, they're bananas.
FELIX: Just a minute.
There...
Oh, no, will you
look at this place!
One year ago, this
place was spotless.
( honking )
Stop carrying the
world on your shoulders.
Just find the armor, Felix.
Felix, your tail's
getting dirty!
Boy, the owner of this place
certainly collected a lot
of memorabilia, didn't he?
In my room it's junk,
down here it's memorabilia.
Because the owner
doesn't sleep down here.
( honking )
My sinuses won't
take much of this.
I can't take much
of the honking.
Take your tail, please.
There it is.
There it is!
Oh, boy! Isn't that a beauty?
The knight who wore this
must have corroded to death.
Oh, just a little bit of rust.
Take your shirt off.
Shirt off? Why?
Oh, this has a lot of character.
What do I do?
This is beautiful.
I wouldn't wear
it, but it's you...
It pinches, it pinches!
Now I know how a sardine feels.
There you go.
What is that?
It's your collar.
I saw that picture
with Louis Hayward.
What do I get a
tin necktie with it?
Give me your arm.
What do I do, put it in there?
Okay, here we are.
Isn't that nice? Isn't
that comfortable?
Yeah, it's very comf...
A little polish, and we'll
have you in perfect shape.
Look out, Felix,
I'm unbalancing!
Give me your hand.
You better be
quick, grab it, will ya?
Got you.
You look like a million bucks.
Yeah.
Now take your pants off.
Take my pants off?!
Take your pants off.
Why do I have to
take off my pants?
Because I don't
want to get banana
all over the inside of
this beautiful armor.
Come on, take them off.
You're worried about
the cockamamie rusty tin!
What if I catch pneumonia here?
You're going to put
these on, understand?
Tell the rats to turn their
heads. Never mind that...
Hurry up, I'll meet
you in the lobby.
I'll get Nancy, I'll
get a bottle of polish
and we'll polish
you up in the cab.
Pants off, are they off?
This is going to be fun!
I hope I don't get an itch.
That's a big help.
Princess Grace...
eat your heart out.
Oh, boy.
I can walk perfectly well if
somebody would wind me up.
Whoa, whoa!
FELIX: Oscar?
Yeah.
Come on, what's holding you up?
We're out in the
lobby waiting for you.
I can't make it up the stairs.
I can't even make it up a stair.
Give me your hand.
That would be
nice, help a person.
Oscar, you look marvelous.
I feel like a giant
cigarette lighter.
But you look good.
I brought the polish.
( yelling )
FELIX: You know something?
You fall, the armor
will break your fall.
( laughing )
Just the kind of
reassurance I need.
I'd like to break your fall.
Here we go.
( groaning )
The door's locked.
What?
It's locked.
It's all right, I got
the key in my pants.
I'll go get them.
Your pants are
upstairs, soaking.
I had to get the banana out.
What did you do with the keys?
I took them out of the pocket.
Good. All right.
They're on the coffee table.
Thank you, Felix.
For saving my pants
and ruining my life.
I think I'd rather fall.
If we don't get to
Gloria's in ten minutes,
my whole life is shot to hell.
Well, you're dressed for it.
Help!
Hello!
Let us out please!
Hello!
( clanging )
Help!
Stop with the
hammering and yelling.
The only one who
can hear us is me!
It's giving me a
headache, honey.
Oh, I can hardly talk.
( honking )
You can still honk.
Look at this.
Now I know why they never had
a population explosion
in the Middle Ages.
It's killing me.
I'll get you some water, Felix.
( Felix honking )
There's a grate
under the street.
Where?
There.
Hey, yeah!
What do you see?
OSCAR: Can you see anything?
Yeah, I see some broken glass,
a couple of empty beer cans
and a lot of loose garbage.
This street is filthy.
It hasn't been cleaned in weeks.
Can you see any people,
human beings, passing by?
Hey, hey!
( all yelling )
Hold it, what's going on here?
Oh, are we glad to see you.
Oh, well, I glad
to see you, too.
You know, if you
hadn't pulled my pants,
I would have missed you?
Boy, these are
deplorable living conditions.
We don't live here.
We're on our way to a party.
Who's throwing
it, Bozo the clown?
We're locked in.
We can't get out.
Locked in? Yeah.
All alone? Yeah.
In that case... reach for it.
This is a stickup.
Listen, Mister, I
don't... Vern's the name.
Vern, I don't approve of this.
Oh, darn it.
And I was really
trying to impress you.
What is this?
Two watches and an empty purse?
Come on, where's the
wallet, where's the cash?
We don't have any cash.
She told you we're in costume.
What do you want us to do?
Carry our wallets in our teeth?
This wasn't even
worth bending down for.
Vern, I realize this is a
disappointment for you,
but why don't you turn
it into something good
and help us get out of here?
Look, bud, I'd love to help you.
But I'm stickups.
Escapes are not my bag.
Come on, be a sport.
Sorry. Peace!
Please, Vern!
Poor Gloria.
An angel alone
at a table for four.
Hey, Felix, give me a
hand with this, will you?
What is it?
Well, it's the main heater pipe
to all the apartments.
Bang on it! They'll
hear us upst...
Stop already with the banging,
we're not going to bang.
We're going to overheat
all the apartments,
one of them will
come down and fix it.
Sometimes I don't give
you the credit you deserve.
I got credit, give me a hand.
( both shouting )
Turn it, turn it
to the right, get...
OSCAR: I'm being dry-cleaned.
( Felix honking )
Stop with the honking, will ya?
Oh, there goes my hairdo.
I'll probably catch pneumonia.
NANCY: Look at your beard.
OSCAR: What are
you smiling about?
The steam cleared my sinuses.
Mmm.
Would you stop
playing with your tail!
This is just horrible.
What time is it?
I don't know, Vern
stole my watch.
Don't nod.
I know you think
I'm responsible
for this whole thing.
No, I don't think you're
responsible for the whole thing.
It's not your fault
that Vern robbed us.
Thank you, Felix.
Everything else
you're responsible for.
Whose idea was it to
come down in the cellar?
We came down here because
you forgot your costume.
That's why we came down here.
Oh, yeah, who was stupid
enough to lock us in here?
Me? You're blaming this on me?
Nobody's blaming you,
but it was you who
carelessly closed the door.
It's true, I did close the door
and perhaps that was
careless of me and I'm sorry.
But why is it that, every time
I walk into this
apartment building,
I walk into the middle
of a catastrophe?
Oh, that's not true.
Believe me, there is less
confusion in an emergency ward.
Now I won't be a part of
your craziness anymore.
Oh, Nancy... Oscar.
Where can she go?
Yeah.
I don't want to discuss it.
Oscar, you stay on
your side of the room.
Felix, you get over there
and we'll just leave
each other alone
until help arrives.
Again you play with your tail?
( whooshing noise in distance )
What's that?
Just stay on your own side...
Then go look before they go by.
You stay over on your side.
NANCY: Be careful, Oscar.
You got your wish, Felix.
They just cleaned the street.
Hey, you're on my
side of the room.
Ah, come on, honey, come...
Ow!
( laughing )
Oh, let's not fight, honey.
It's all right with
Felix, but not with you.
You're forgiven.
Good.
Let's make friends with Felix.
What for? Look how
nice and quiet it is.
I'd rather be his enemy.
( rattling and jingling )
Dinner is served.
What's he talking about?
Why don't you ask him?
What are you talking about?
A peace offering.
Come on, sit here.
Oh, how sweet.
Nancy, you sit here.
Oscar, be nice.
You see what you
find when you tidy up?
1923, Look.
Not a great year, but
good. Perfectly adequate.
Where did you get all this food?
Someone must have done
some canning and
they left it down here.
There's jam, Indian
chutney, kosher pickles.
That's great food if you're
a Jewish elephant boy.
I think it's nice,
let's have a toast.
Okay, what do we toast to?
A toast.
To what? Friendship.
And warmer basements.
Okay, here we go.
Mmm.
Good.
The piece de
resistance... music.
There are marvelous
old records here.
Felix, it's great how
you changed yourself.
Why brood?
I've lost the only
woman in the world I love,
we're trapped here
forever... Let's dance!
♪ La-da-da-da-da-dee-da ♪
♪ La-da-da-da-da... ♪
( all singing
along with record )
♪ ...We're just
prisoners of love... ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la... ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
FELIX ( tinnily ): ♪
My time is your time ♪
♪ Your time is my time ♪
♪ There's no
time like our time ♪
♪ And no one like you. ♪
( tinny ): You know something?
What?
You're cute.
You should see us
when we have our fights, Felix.
They're real beauts.
I don't believe you.
You know, Felix,
it's just remarkable
how you've cleaned up in here.
We might as well die clean.
You even hid the dirty dishes.
I put them in the dumb waiter.
The dumb waiter?
I didn't know they had
a dumb waiter here.
Yeah, it's right here.
Felix, does this dumbwaiter
go up to our kitchen?
You know it does.
It's boarded up, it's
behind our icebox.
Does it go up to all the
kitchens in all the apartments?
I know what you're thinking,
they're all boarded up.
What have we got to lose?
This thing is 100
years old, it isn't safe.
The worst that can happen,
I'll knock on a couple of walls,
they'll think I'm a termite.
Oh, no, Oscar,
it's 100 years old.
You can't do it.
We've got no alternative.
Well, let me go, I'm
lighter than you are.
No, this is no place for a lady.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
Now look, I'll tell you what.
What?
If I pull... ouch!
What's the matter?
You closed that on my tail.
I hurt your tail?
Listen, if I pull
the rope once...
Yeah.
Pull me up.
Okay.
If I pull it twice, that
means pull me down.
But if I pull three times,
that means I'm in trouble.
Okay.
And if I pull four times...
Felix, will you
get out of there?
Close the door. If I pull...
All right!
You won't know what it means!
( grunting )
Who was that on the telephone?
Oh, Herman.
It was a man selling
magazine subscriptions.
Will you stop with the jealousy?
Magazine subscriptions?
You think I was born yesterday?
I know what you're up to, I
read The Sensuous Woman.
Oh, I should have had more sense
than to get mixed up
with a younger woman.
Baby doll, I love you.
Don't I always whisper sweet
nothings in your good ear?
FELIX: Hello?
Hello in there.
What, what is that?
Hello, anybody home?
What's going on here?
( knocking )
FELIX: Hello? Hello?
A little help, please?
Florence!
Am I glad to see you.
Who is this?
I'm Felix Unger from upstairs.
Listen, we're stuck
in the basement...
What kind of freaks are
you running around with now?
What are you supposed to
do, dress up like an angel?
No, actually Gloria's
going to be the angel.
Oh, Herman!
When will you learn to grow up?
Ooh!
( pounding on wall )
I guess I just don't
turn her on anymore.
Oscar, there's a signal.
He wants you to
pull him up further.
Either that or he's
polishing the rope.
( knocking )
FELIX: Hello? Hello?
Anybody home here?
Anybody here?
Hello?
I'm sorry to bother... Phillip.
Ah, Igor... welcome
to my laboratory.
Phillip, listen...
Good disguise.
We're in big trouble here.
There's no time.
I must drink the potion.
Phillip, are your folks home?
Phillip?
Hey, what are you doing?
Mr. and Mrs. Wexler!?
Hello?
Hey, don't drink that.
That's dangerous!
Don't do that, Phillip.
Phillip?
Phillip, are you all right?
Are you all right?
Hello?
Hello? Anybody else home here?
Science marches on.
Phillip this is serious,
no more kidding around.
Come on.
You must not reveal
my true identity.
Mr. and Mrs. Wexler?
Oscar!
Oscar, lower me slowly.
Oh.
I'm going to put him on a diet.
Are you being careful?
Don't worry, buddy, I got you!
You'll be down in a second!
( rope snaps )
( rattling )
( crashing )
Sorry, buddy.
You only dropped
a couple of feet.
What did you do, cut the rope?
Oh, oh...
Only dropped a couple of feet.
The rope broke, don't overreact.
I'm not overreacting.
If you say that again,
I'll bash your skull in.
Oh...
I'm a doctor, tell
me where it hurts.
It hurts every
place I can mention
and a couple I can't mention.
Oh, what's the difference?
We're never going to
see the light of day again.
Felix, I got a great idea.
What?
We'll go back to yelling.
Help! Help! Help!
Hey, Felix, there's
a stoplight out there.
That's right.
And there's a fire
hydrant out there
and there's a mailbox...
Oh, that's very funny, Felix.
I break the light, they
come to fix the light.
When they come to
fix the light, we yell.
Then they come and they save us.
Oscar, that light's
30 feet away.
No trouble for old fireball.
Oscar, in New York it takes
ten days to fix a stoplight.
Why are you so negative?
I've stood up my ex-wife.
My entire body is hurting me.
I'm standing in a
freezing basement
with no hope of survival.
And a man is going to save me
by tossing a
little piece of coal
through a grate
at a light this big
30 feet away.
That's why I'm negative.
Just step back.
Good luck, honey.
Thank you, baby.
( pinging and bouncing )
That was low and inside.
Now he's giving us
play-by-play coverage.
( pinging )
Ball two.
Yeah, but I'm getting closer.
Banzai, yo!
( glass breaking )
You did it!
Oscar, I love you, oh!
Yeah, but I don't think
the guy across the street
is going to love me.
( alarm ringing )
'Cause I just broke his window.
Nice going, fireball.
It was so nice of that old man
not to press charges.
Do you think the officer
will make out a report?
No, it'll take all night.
Don't worry about that.
I don't have my
tickets to the party.
Did you lose them?
No. Vern stole them.
What if he goes to the party?
He'll sit with Gloria.
She'll be sitting with a bandit.
Felix, will you relax?
He's not going
to go to the party.
I hope not.
Everything's going to be fine.
I wonder why it's
taking Oscar so
long with his costume.
Here, let me help you.
Can you fix this?
Oscar, what's
taking you so long?
I'm ready, I'm ready.
( all talking rapidly )
One at a time!
( blowing whistle )
Hold it, hold it. All right.
Now, let's hear
from the devil first.
Why were you all in the
basement in the first place?
It's very simple.
We went... Oh! My back is...
Officer, let me explain.
We were on our
way to a dinner party.
In the basement?
It must not be a
very elegant affair.
Let me explain.
You take care of Felix.
See if you could
straighten him out.
You mean, she's really a nurse?
She's a doctor.
Oh, and I suppose you're
really King Arthur, right?
Do you think this is
the best time possible
for your funny jokes?
Just explain this
to me, will ya?
Where did you all get
those ridiculous outfits
and why did you
deliberately break
the shoe-store window?
Oh, I can explain that.
Officer, officer,
arrest that man!
He tried to molest my wife!
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he knew she was right
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Who asked you to
bust in here anyway?
I got a perfect right!
( blowing whistle )
Hold it, hold it! Quiet!
I'm fed up with all of you!
Somebody better tell me
everything that happened fast,
or else you're all under arrest.
On what charge?
Breaking and entering,
disturbing the peace,
possible assault,
indecent exposure...
Officer, could I make
one final attempt
to explain what happened?
Okay, devil.
At 7:00 this evening, I was
peacefully getting dressed.
I was putting my cape on...
( laughing evilly )
( key turning in lock )
Hiya, buddy, what's new?
Felix, I just covered
the greatest fight.
They have fights in the
middle of the afternoon?
Not a boxing match.
I covered a brawl
in a hockey game.
( laughing evilly )
You look good...
I like your hair.
FELIX: Pick up your coat.
I'm not going to say anything
about your cockamamie costume.
You'll go to any
extreme, won't you?
You'll be my conscience and
I'll clean up my room, right?
This is my costume for tonight.
Tonight? What's tonight?
Oscar, you know perfectly well.
Tonight Gloria's women's club
has its annual costume party.
I thought that was
tomorrow night.
How could you think
it was tomorrow night!?
I reminded you this morning
before you went to work!
Felix, you know I never
listen to you in the morning.
Where's your costume?
I'll go get it.
Listen, I want to go, too, it
cost me $100 for two tickets!
No, it's too late!
The costumer closes at 6:00.
You sure?
Oh! I'll go by myself!
What are you going
to do about Nancy?
Nancy? Hey, she thinks
it's tomorrow night, too.
No, she doesn't.
I phoned her at the hospital.
She listens to me.
Thanks a lot, Felix.
I just lost a 100
bucks and my girl.
"Thanks a lot, Felix"?
You know I hate to go
to these stupid affairs.
I asked you to buy tickets
as a favor to me as a friend.
For the last two years,
Gloria has invited
somebody else as her escort.
I thought if I sold
a lot of tickets
she'd ask me, and she did.
Yeah, listen, Felix, can
I get my money back?
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
This is a charity benefit.
Your hundred dollars
has gone to help needy orphans.
All right.
Never mind, we'll
find ten orphans
who'll give you a dollar
apiece a year for ten years.
Oh, come on.
Only, don't feel too bad
if you get it in pennies.
Felix, come on.
Devils don't cry.
Felix, look, I don't
have to go as Peter Pan.
Look, we'll find me a costume.
Come on, I know there's
something in my
room we can find.
Come on.
Why don't you go
as a stale cracker?
That's not clever enough.
I got it, listen...
I'll put on my hat,
I'll put a pencil behind my ear,
and go as a sportswriter.
That's clever?
You don't like that one?
I tell you what I could do.
I could wear the
bedspread, go as a germ.
Why don't you wear the whole
room, and go as the plague?
Oh, what's the use?
I can just see Gloria,
dressed as an angel
with a shining halo
and dainty little wings...
hating my guts.
Come on, Felix,
you're overreacting.
Look, I'll help you out.
Have I ever let you down before?
How many times have I tried
to bring you and
Gloria together...
and I just sat on a banana.
Would you believe it?
Ech!
I've begged you
not to eat in bed.
Why do you sleep with your food?
Coyotes sleep with their food.
How do you take
bananas off pants?
Why don't you call a monkey?
Felix... I could go
nude as Mr. Godiva.
Another joke, huh?
That's it, I'm going by myself.
You're going to
break Nancy's heart,
you're going to
ruin Gloria's evening
and you're going
to ruin my evening.
I hope you're happy.
What is it, Felix? What?
You look like you have
a light bulb on your head.
What is it?
There's a suit of
armor in the basement.
What were you doing
down in the basement?
I noticed it when I was
cleaning the basement last year.
You cleaned the basement?
I had a day to kill.
It was a little big on me,
so it'll be perfect for you.
( buzzer sounds )
Nancy.
There she is!
I hope I'm not late.
You're exactly on...
You forgot your costume.
I didn't, Felix.
It's right here in this box.
Oscar, where's your costume?
Oscar is going to be a
knight in shining armor.
His costume is in the basement.
We're going down
there to get it now.
Oh, all right, I have
to get into my costume
and put on my makeup.
Be back for you
in seven minutes.
Good, perfect... Oscar?
You've got mashed
potatoes on your pants.
No, they're bananas.
FELIX: Just a minute.
There...
Oh, no, will you
look at this place!
One year ago, this
place was spotless.
( honking )
Stop carrying the
world on your shoulders.
Just find the armor, Felix.
Felix, your tail's
getting dirty!
Boy, the owner of this place
certainly collected a lot
of memorabilia, didn't he?
In my room it's junk,
down here it's memorabilia.
Because the owner
doesn't sleep down here.
( honking )
My sinuses won't
take much of this.
I can't take much
of the honking.
Take your tail, please.
There it is.
There it is!
Oh, boy! Isn't that a beauty?
The knight who wore this
must have corroded to death.
Oh, just a little bit of rust.
Take your shirt off.
Shirt off? Why?
Oh, this has a lot of character.
What do I do?
This is beautiful.
I wouldn't wear
it, but it's you...
It pinches, it pinches!
Now I know how a sardine feels.
There you go.
What is that?
It's your collar.
I saw that picture
with Louis Hayward.
What do I get a
tin necktie with it?
Give me your arm.
What do I do, put it in there?
Okay, here we are.
Isn't that nice? Isn't
that comfortable?
Yeah, it's very comf...
A little polish, and we'll
have you in perfect shape.
Look out, Felix,
I'm unbalancing!
Give me your hand.
You better be
quick, grab it, will ya?
Got you.
You look like a million bucks.
Yeah.
Now take your pants off.
Take my pants off?!
Take your pants off.
Why do I have to
take off my pants?
Because I don't
want to get banana
all over the inside of
this beautiful armor.
Come on, take them off.
You're worried about
the cockamamie rusty tin!
What if I catch pneumonia here?
You're going to put
these on, understand?
Tell the rats to turn their
heads. Never mind that...
Hurry up, I'll meet
you in the lobby.
I'll get Nancy, I'll
get a bottle of polish
and we'll polish
you up in the cab.
Pants off, are they off?
This is going to be fun!
I hope I don't get an itch.
That's a big help.
Princess Grace...
eat your heart out.
Oh, boy.
I can walk perfectly well if
somebody would wind me up.
Whoa, whoa!
FELIX: Oscar?
Yeah.
Come on, what's holding you up?
We're out in the
lobby waiting for you.
I can't make it up the stairs.
I can't even make it up a stair.
Give me your hand.
That would be
nice, help a person.
Oscar, you look marvelous.
I feel like a giant
cigarette lighter.
But you look good.
I brought the polish.
( yelling )
FELIX: You know something?
You fall, the armor
will break your fall.
( laughing )
Just the kind of
reassurance I need.
I'd like to break your fall.
Here we go.
( groaning )
The door's locked.
What?
It's locked.
It's all right, I got
the key in my pants.
I'll go get them.
Your pants are
upstairs, soaking.
I had to get the banana out.
What did you do with the keys?
I took them out of the pocket.
Good. All right.
They're on the coffee table.
Thank you, Felix.
For saving my pants
and ruining my life.
I think I'd rather fall.
If we don't get to
Gloria's in ten minutes,
my whole life is shot to hell.
Well, you're dressed for it.
Help!
Hello!
Let us out please!
Hello!
( clanging )
Help!
Stop with the
hammering and yelling.
The only one who
can hear us is me!
It's giving me a
headache, honey.
Oh, I can hardly talk.
( honking )
You can still honk.
Look at this.
Now I know why they never had
a population explosion
in the Middle Ages.
It's killing me.
I'll get you some water, Felix.
( Felix honking )
There's a grate
under the street.
Where?
There.
Hey, yeah!
What do you see?
OSCAR: Can you see anything?
Yeah, I see some broken glass,
a couple of empty beer cans
and a lot of loose garbage.
This street is filthy.
It hasn't been cleaned in weeks.
Can you see any people,
human beings, passing by?
Hey, hey!
( all yelling )
Hold it, what's going on here?
Oh, are we glad to see you.
Oh, well, I glad
to see you, too.
You know, if you
hadn't pulled my pants,
I would have missed you?
Boy, these are
deplorable living conditions.
We don't live here.
We're on our way to a party.
Who's throwing
it, Bozo the clown?
We're locked in.
We can't get out.
Locked in? Yeah.
All alone? Yeah.
In that case... reach for it.
This is a stickup.
Listen, Mister, I
don't... Vern's the name.
Vern, I don't approve of this.
Oh, darn it.
And I was really
trying to impress you.
What is this?
Two watches and an empty purse?
Come on, where's the
wallet, where's the cash?
We don't have any cash.
She told you we're in costume.
What do you want us to do?
Carry our wallets in our teeth?
This wasn't even
worth bending down for.
Vern, I realize this is a
disappointment for you,
but why don't you turn
it into something good
and help us get out of here?
Look, bud, I'd love to help you.
But I'm stickups.
Escapes are not my bag.
Come on, be a sport.
Sorry. Peace!
Please, Vern!
Poor Gloria.
An angel alone
at a table for four.
Hey, Felix, give me a
hand with this, will you?
What is it?
Well, it's the main heater pipe
to all the apartments.
Bang on it! They'll
hear us upst...
Stop already with the banging,
we're not going to bang.
We're going to overheat
all the apartments,
one of them will
come down and fix it.
Sometimes I don't give
you the credit you deserve.
I got credit, give me a hand.
( both shouting )
Turn it, turn it
to the right, get...
OSCAR: I'm being dry-cleaned.
( Felix honking )
Stop with the honking, will ya?
Oh, there goes my hairdo.
I'll probably catch pneumonia.
NANCY: Look at your beard.
OSCAR: What are
you smiling about?
The steam cleared my sinuses.
Mmm.
Would you stop
playing with your tail!
This is just horrible.
What time is it?
I don't know, Vern
stole my watch.
Don't nod.
I know you think
I'm responsible
for this whole thing.
No, I don't think you're
responsible for the whole thing.
It's not your fault
that Vern robbed us.
Thank you, Felix.
Everything else
you're responsible for.
Whose idea was it to
come down in the cellar?
We came down here because
you forgot your costume.
That's why we came down here.
Oh, yeah, who was stupid
enough to lock us in here?
Me? You're blaming this on me?
Nobody's blaming you,
but it was you who
carelessly closed the door.
It's true, I did close the door
and perhaps that was
careless of me and I'm sorry.
But why is it that, every time
I walk into this
apartment building,
I walk into the middle
of a catastrophe?
Oh, that's not true.
Believe me, there is less
confusion in an emergency ward.
Now I won't be a part of
your craziness anymore.
Oh, Nancy... Oscar.
Where can she go?
Yeah.
I don't want to discuss it.
Oscar, you stay on
your side of the room.
Felix, you get over there
and we'll just leave
each other alone
until help arrives.
Again you play with your tail?
( whooshing noise in distance )
What's that?
Just stay on your own side...
Then go look before they go by.
You stay over on your side.
NANCY: Be careful, Oscar.
You got your wish, Felix.
They just cleaned the street.
Hey, you're on my
side of the room.
Ah, come on, honey, come...
Ow!
( laughing )
Oh, let's not fight, honey.
It's all right with
Felix, but not with you.
You're forgiven.
Good.
Let's make friends with Felix.
What for? Look how
nice and quiet it is.
I'd rather be his enemy.
( rattling and jingling )
Dinner is served.
What's he talking about?
Why don't you ask him?
What are you talking about?
A peace offering.
Come on, sit here.
Oh, how sweet.
Nancy, you sit here.
Oscar, be nice.
You see what you
find when you tidy up?
1923, Look.
Not a great year, but
good. Perfectly adequate.
Where did you get all this food?
Someone must have done
some canning and
they left it down here.
There's jam, Indian
chutney, kosher pickles.
That's great food if you're
a Jewish elephant boy.
I think it's nice,
let's have a toast.
Okay, what do we toast to?
A toast.
To what? Friendship.
And warmer basements.
Okay, here we go.
Mmm.
Good.
The piece de
resistance... music.
There are marvelous
old records here.
Felix, it's great how
you changed yourself.
Why brood?
I've lost the only
woman in the world I love,
we're trapped here
forever... Let's dance!
♪ La-da-da-da-da-dee-da ♪
♪ La-da-da-da-da... ♪
( all singing
along with record )
♪ ...We're just
prisoners of love... ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la... ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
FELIX ( tinnily ): ♪
My time is your time ♪
♪ Your time is my time ♪
♪ There's no
time like our time ♪
♪ And no one like you. ♪
( tinny ): You know something?
What?
You're cute.
You should see us
when we have our fights, Felix.
They're real beauts.
I don't believe you.
You know, Felix,
it's just remarkable
how you've cleaned up in here.
We might as well die clean.
You even hid the dirty dishes.
I put them in the dumb waiter.
The dumb waiter?
I didn't know they had
a dumb waiter here.
Yeah, it's right here.
Felix, does this dumbwaiter
go up to our kitchen?
You know it does.
It's boarded up, it's
behind our icebox.
Does it go up to all the
kitchens in all the apartments?
I know what you're thinking,
they're all boarded up.
What have we got to lose?
This thing is 100
years old, it isn't safe.
The worst that can happen,
I'll knock on a couple of walls,
they'll think I'm a termite.
Oh, no, Oscar,
it's 100 years old.
You can't do it.
We've got no alternative.
Well, let me go, I'm
lighter than you are.
No, this is no place for a lady.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
Now look, I'll tell you what.
What?
If I pull... ouch!
What's the matter?
You closed that on my tail.
I hurt your tail?
Listen, if I pull
the rope once...
Yeah.
Pull me up.
Okay.
If I pull it twice, that
means pull me down.
But if I pull three times,
that means I'm in trouble.
Okay.
And if I pull four times...
Felix, will you
get out of there?
Close the door. If I pull...
All right!
You won't know what it means!
( grunting )
Who was that on the telephone?
Oh, Herman.
It was a man selling
magazine subscriptions.
Will you stop with the jealousy?
Magazine subscriptions?
You think I was born yesterday?
I know what you're up to, I
read The Sensuous Woman.
Oh, I should have had more sense
than to get mixed up
with a younger woman.
Baby doll, I love you.
Don't I always whisper sweet
nothings in your good ear?
FELIX: Hello?
Hello in there.
What, what is that?
Hello, anybody home?
What's going on here?
( knocking )
FELIX: Hello? Hello?
A little help, please?
Florence!
Am I glad to see you.
Who is this?
I'm Felix Unger from upstairs.
Listen, we're stuck
in the basement...
What kind of freaks are
you running around with now?
What are you supposed to
do, dress up like an angel?
No, actually Gloria's
going to be the angel.
Oh, Herman!
When will you learn to grow up?
Ooh!
( pounding on wall )
I guess I just don't
turn her on anymore.
Oscar, there's a signal.
He wants you to
pull him up further.
Either that or he's
polishing the rope.
( knocking )
FELIX: Hello? Hello?
Anybody home here?
Anybody here?
Hello?
I'm sorry to bother... Phillip.
Ah, Igor... welcome
to my laboratory.
Phillip, listen...
Good disguise.
We're in big trouble here.
There's no time.
I must drink the potion.
Phillip, are your folks home?
Phillip?
Hey, what are you doing?
Mr. and Mrs. Wexler!?
Hello?
Hey, don't drink that.
That's dangerous!
Don't do that, Phillip.
Phillip?
Phillip, are you all right?
Are you all right?
Hello?
Hello? Anybody else home here?
Science marches on.
Phillip this is serious,
no more kidding around.
Come on.
You must not reveal
my true identity.
Mr. and Mrs. Wexler?
Oscar!
Oscar, lower me slowly.
Oh.
I'm going to put him on a diet.
Are you being careful?
Don't worry, buddy, I got you!
You'll be down in a second!
( rope snaps )
( rattling )
( crashing )
Sorry, buddy.
You only dropped
a couple of feet.
What did you do, cut the rope?
Oh, oh...
Only dropped a couple of feet.
The rope broke, don't overreact.
I'm not overreacting.
If you say that again,
I'll bash your skull in.
Oh...
I'm a doctor, tell
me where it hurts.
It hurts every
place I can mention
and a couple I can't mention.
Oh, what's the difference?
We're never going to
see the light of day again.
Felix, I got a great idea.
What?
We'll go back to yelling.
Help! Help! Help!
Hey, Felix, there's
a stoplight out there.
That's right.
And there's a fire
hydrant out there
and there's a mailbox...
Oh, that's very funny, Felix.
I break the light, they
come to fix the light.
When they come to
fix the light, we yell.
Then they come and they save us.
Oscar, that light's
30 feet away.
No trouble for old fireball.
Oscar, in New York it takes
ten days to fix a stoplight.
Why are you so negative?
I've stood up my ex-wife.
My entire body is hurting me.
I'm standing in a
freezing basement
with no hope of survival.
And a man is going to save me
by tossing a
little piece of coal
through a grate
at a light this big
30 feet away.
That's why I'm negative.
Just step back.
Good luck, honey.
Thank you, baby.
( pinging and bouncing )
That was low and inside.
Now he's giving us
play-by-play coverage.
( pinging )
Ball two.
Yeah, but I'm getting closer.
Banzai, yo!
( glass breaking )
You did it!
Oscar, I love you, oh!
Yeah, but I don't think
the guy across the street
is going to love me.
( alarm ringing )
'Cause I just broke his window.
Nice going, fireball.
It was so nice of that old man
not to press charges.
Do you think the officer
will make out a report?
No, it'll take all night.
Don't worry about that.
I don't have my
tickets to the party.
Did you lose them?
No. Vern stole them.
What if he goes to the party?
He'll sit with Gloria.
She'll be sitting with a bandit.
Felix, will you relax?
He's not going
to go to the party.
I hope not.
Everything's going to be fine.
I wonder why it's
taking Oscar so
long with his costume.
Here, let me help you.
Can you fix this?
Oscar, what's
taking you so long?
I'm ready, I'm ready.