The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 23 - What Does a Naked Lady Say to You? - full transcript
How does Felix tell Oscar that his new girlfriend is in a nude play?
Up to you, Murray.
This would be a great
hand if we were playing gin.
Be a great game if
you played your hand.
A cop just can't get
a break nowadays.
Cards, Vinnie.
Will you wait a second?
I don't want to lose count.
It's a real joy to play
with you, you know that?
Like playing with
an adding machine.
Will you say how
many cards you want?
All right, give
me... give me two.
Two. Dealer takes one.
I'll bet $2.
You see me?
I see you.
What do you got?
Beat three sevens.
That's what I figured.
You know why?
'Cause I've got a poker face.
You don't have a poker face.
Oh, go write a book.
You know what I hate
worse than a poor loser?
An obnoxious winner.
Take your money.
Cash me in, fellas.
Hey, wait a minute,
what do you mean?
It's still early.
I've got a date.
She won't mind if you
pick her up a few hours late.
She's picking me up.
Good, we'll deal her in.
Oscar, appeal to him, will ya?
He's your friend!
I can't say anything to
him, he really digs this girl.
In fact, he hasn't moaned
about his ex-wife for weeks now.
( door buzzer )
There she is.
Now, fellas, when she
comes in, put on your coats.
What do you mean
put on your coats?
We're playing poker.
All right, but please
watch your language
and stand up like
nice gentlemen.
Who is she, anyway,
Princess Grace?
Hello, darling.
Right on time.
I want you to meet my friends.
Fellas, this is Madelyn.
I think you know Oscar.
Speed, Vinnie and Murray.
Hello.
Nice to see you again,
Madelyn, I'd keep standing,
but it's my deal.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I just hope I'm not
interrupting your game.
What's there to interrupt?
No one's got any money.
Nobody but Felix.
Why don't you help
yourself to some sandwiches.
No. That's poker food.
I'm going to take you
to a nice restaurant.
Come into the kitchen, I
have a surprise for you.
How do you like that?
Poker food's good enough for us.
Gee, that Felix
is doing all right.
Well, I'm not.
Come on, let's play cards.
I've seen that girl somewhere.
She works at the library.
How would you ever see her?
No, no, that's not it.
But I'm sure I've seen her.
Will you ante, please?
Felix, you're always
luring me into the kitchen.
Kitchen is the most
romantic room in the house.
Food is sensual.
Well, where's my surprise?
Ah.
Felix Unger's special
homemade oatmeal cookies
for you to take home.
Oh, Felix, that's so sweet.
Well, you don't always get
enough time to eat, I think.
You're too thin.
Don't have one now.
It'll spoil your appetite.
Just a bite.
Mmm. Delicious.
You're right.
Murray,
I got four beautiful cards,
but I need one more.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where was it? Where was it?
Buy me.
I got it!
It's not your turn.
No. I mean, I remembered
where I saw that girl.
It was only last week.
I arrested her for
indecent exposure.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
You arrested her for what?
On a morals charge...
Indecent exposure.
Boy, what a relief.
A relief?
Yeah. If I hadn't
remembered, I'd be up all night.
Hey, I wonder if Felix knows.
There's nothing to
know. She's a librarian.
Let's play cards.
Hey... maybe she's
a topless librarian.
You're crazy. Madelyn's
a sweet lovely girl.
Come on, will ya?
Oscar's right.
A nice girl like that wouldn't
get indecently exposed
unless it was for a
very good reason.
Listen, you heard of
those off-Broadway plays
where nobody wears any clothes?
She's in one of those?
She's the lead in one of those.
I don't believe that.
Me neither.
Hey, what's the
name of the play?
Bathtub.
Well, that don't
sound so dirty to me.
I've heard of that play.
It's not a dirty play.
One reviewer said
that it was a stunning
reappraisal of social values.
Looked more like a naked
reappraisal of social values.
Are you trying to tell
me that sweet librarian
is the lead in a nude
off-Broadway show?
Oscar, we raid the
place every week.
VINNIE: Yeah, but Murray,
it's a very moral play.
I understand that they
have this huge bathtub
that symbolizes the world
and then the actors
symbolize humanity
cleansing themselves.
Nude?
You can't take a bath
with your clothes on.
You're crazy.
It just doesn't fit.
I never forget a face.
In a play like that,
who looks at a face?
( all laughing )
Well... oh, Vinnie,
where's my money?
Oh.
We have to go, fellas.
Feel free. We don't
want to keep you.
We don't want
to rush you either.
We don't want to keep you
and we don't want to rush you.
It was nice to meet you all.
Have a good game.
Thanks a lot, Felix.
With what you left us,
we might just as
well play strip poker.
Hi.
What are you doing up so early?
Don't sit there. You
know better than that.
I couldn't sleep.
Had your breakfast?
No, I'm not hungry.
I'm just gonna nibble.
Have a good time last night?
Fantastic.
I always have a good
time with Madelyn.
You really like her, huh?
She's the greatest
girl I've ever met.
Wow, that's a
pretty big statement
for a girl you don't
know very long.
How long does it take?
I've dated enough girls
to know when it's right.
It's right.
She's done the impossible.
What's that?
Made me stop
thinking about Gloria.
Has it ever occurred
to you to use a napkin?
Hold that over the sink.
I hope you're not
rushing in to anything.
You know, I dated my
ex-wife for six years.
Still turned out
that I was rushing.
How can you eat a
pickle, chocolate cookies
and beer for breakfast?
Are you kidding?
Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.
Besides, I want to
talk about Madelyn.
I thought you liked her.
I do, I do, but I'm a reporter
and I'm curious.
She has no sisters
or eligible girlfriends,
so if you think you're
going to horn in on that...
That's not what I was thinking.
For instance, like,
what does she do
when she's not with
you for instance?
She does the laundry.
She cleans her apartment,
she works at the library.
She depends on
me for excitement.
Oh, do you use her library?
I mean, do you
ever see her at work?
Nah, the branch is too far away.
Where is it?
I don't know, somewhere
off Broadway she said.
MAN: Pardon me, please.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir.
Vinnie.
Oscar.
Hey, Vinnie, Oscar.
What are you doing here?
Same thing you're doing here.
I'm here because
my best friend's girl
may not be on the level.
SPEED: Well, that's part
of the reason I'm here.
Let's face it, Oscar,
we're all dying of curiosity.
Hey, don't I know you
from the peekaboo movie houses?
Your name's Mel, right?
You got the wrong guy.
Turn around, will you?
I want to just make
sure it's Madelyn.
Well, even if it isn't,
we're still in for a great
evening at the theater.
Watching your best
friend's girl take a bath
is great theater?
You said it, buddy.
It's aesthetic.
You going to turn around, Mel?
What are you going to do?
You have to give this
new theater a chance
before you condemn it.
Besides, this sort of thing
is making a lot of money.
It's got to.
They don't spend a
dime on wardrobe.
See? There's nothing
wrong with that.
Look, I think that the
actors are holding hands
to symbolize the
brotherhood of man.
They're stark naked.
My brother's 41 years old.
I never saw him naked.
There they go in the tub.
( splashing into water )
What was that?
Audience involvement.
WOMAN: The water
of life seeps over me,
but it does not cleanse.
Why? Why?
MAN: It cannot cleanse
without the soap.
We're all waiting
for the soap of life.
I'm waiting for
the towel of life.
When will the
soap of life arrive?
Who knows?
No one knows.
Wonder when
they'll stand up again.
Will you get out
of... ( cawing )
Do you know what I am?
Crazy. Get off me, will you?
I am the rubber ducky.
You look like a penguin.
Don't be a wise guy. I
am the rubber ducky.
Somebody get the
rubber ducky off me?
Relax, Oscar. He's
part of the play.
Yeah, relax.
I am a messenger
from the bathtub.
I accuse you, sir, of
war, poverty and pollution.
Come cleanse
yourself in the tub.
Come on, give me a
break, will ya, rubber ducky?
All right, stay dirty.
Madam, how about you?
Whatever happened to
plays like Timeout For Ginger?
MAN: Hello, hello.
Who else will come
into the bathtub?
Oh, boy.
MAN: Come on in.
The water of life is great.
What's the matter, Oscar?
Take a look over there.
Please help me.
I'm wrapped in a
towel of indifference.
Hey, that's Madelyn.
MAN: Shed your indifference
and join us in the bathtub.
Oh, but I don't
know if I should.
Take it off, baby.
Be aesthetic.
That's what she's doing.
She's throwing in the towel.
Hey, aren't you the
rubber ducky from the play?
No, I'm a maitre d'
from the North Pole.
Oh, fella, listen,
do you work here?
Yeah, I'm the producer
and you can't see
any of the girls.
And if you want a program,
it'll cost you a buck and a half.
No. I'm a personal
friend of Madelyn Waters.
Could you tell me where
her dressing room is?
What would she need
with a dressing room?
Will you stop with the
jokes, Speed, this is serious.
Sure, it's serious,
but it's also comical.
What is?
Avant-garde theater.
All I know is this is the
first play I've ever seen
that left a ring
around the stage.
Another joke, huh, Speed?
Miss Waters' dressing
room is right over there.
Fellas, whoa, whoa.
Come on, now, look,
I don't think it's right
for all of us to go
and see Madelyn.
Oh, you think she might
feel like she's facing a jury?
Right. You know, I think I
should just go see her alone.
Look, Oscar, we don't
want to put you on the spot,
but Felix is our friend, too.
Yeah, but he's always
used to me butting in.
Oscar's right.
I mean, if he's going to
hate somebody for interfering,
he might as well
hate his best friend.
Thanks a lot, Vinnie.
Okay, let's wait outside.
You know, I wonder why
she's keeping things from Felix.
I don't know.
But she didn't keep
anything from us.
( both laughing )
MADELYN: Oh, just a minute.
I'm not dressed.
Yes?
Oh, Oscar.
Hi, Madelyn.
Hello.
Did you see the play?
Yeah, I saw the play.
Were you shocked?
No. I understand avant-garde.
Some of it's serious,
some of it's comedy.
You were shocked.
I was shocked.
Well, you shouldn't be, Oscar,
after all, it's a
perfectly legitimate play.
It even won an award.
I'm a sportswriter,
not a drama critic.
I tell you one thing, I know I
don't like the rubber ducky.
I thought you were a librarian.
Yes...
I know. You work at the
library during the day...
No. Three days a week you
work at the library, and then you...
Do you have a library card?
Oscar, I'm an actress.
There is no library.
That means you lied to Felix.
No!
I... well, I meant...
I meant to tell him,
but I-I just wanted
to make it gradual.
Well, what do you call gradual?
"Felix, I'm a librarian."
"Felix, I'm a librarian
in the anatomy section."
No, no, look, Oscar, I
really do care about Felix.
I mean, he's so sweet
and he's understanding,
but I just don't think
he'd understand this.
I mean... you see,
I just wanted to wait
until we got to know
each other a little better.
That your costume, huh?
Yeah.
You know him six weeks.
Were you going to wait until
you were walking down the aisle
and then say, "Felix, I'm
an actress in a nude play"?
I want to tell him, Oscar.
You got to tell him.
I mean I can't
let you lie to him.
Oh, you're right.
You're right, Oscar.
I'll tell him on our next date.
Attagirl. The truth
is always better.
When my ex-wife
finally told me the truth,
it solved all our problems.
What did she tell you?
That she wanted a divorce.
No, Murray. I'm
glad you told me.
This way I was able
to talk to Madelyn.
I told her she had
to tell Felix the truth.
Of course she was
wearing clothes.
Listen, I better call you back.
Felix is home. Bye-bye.
Hi, buddy. You're home early.
How you feeling?
What is it, Felix?
Oh, boy, something's the matter.
I never saw you make
a sloppy drink before.
It's Madelyn, huh?
I'd rather not talk about it.
She told you...
I mean, I bet she
told you something.
She told me something.
It's destroyed me.
Felix, whatever she told you,
Madelyn is still a
sweet, lovely girl.
Nothing has changed.
Everything's changed.
She told me the truth.
The truth is better
than a lie, Felix.
Not this time.
Her ship sails tomorrow.
"Her ship sails tomorrow"?
What are you talking about?
Madelyn took a job
at a library in Peru.
In Peru?
Felix.
( Felix grunting )
Felix?
You're going to mess up my room.
What are you doing?
I don't want to mess up my room.
I have to throw things.
Not the sandwich.
I'm not through with it yet.
My midnight snack.
She never cared for me.
Of course she cared for you.
That's why she told you
she was going to Peru.
Bringing the Dewey
decimal system to the Incas.
How can you believe
such a wild story, Felix?
Will you tell me that?
Not so wild.
The Incas will love her.
Felix, the truth
is much simpler.
See, Felix...
she's a naked actress
in an off-Broadway play.
Oh, Oscar, this is no
time to be kidding me.
Why would I kid
about a thing like that?
Felix.
Felix, listen to me.
Felix, she was
afraid to tell you.
She's working in a
play called Bathtub.
That's the lowest,
most abominable thing
you've ever said to me.
Some people think it's art.
Please don't sit on my bed.
What are you worried about?
It's a terrible thing to say.
A woman I care for...
even if the play
got good notices.
Felix, it's not such
a terrible thing,
and that's why she's
afraid to tell you.
You're such a Boy Scout.
You think by putting her down,
you're gonna make
me feel better?
It's not going to work.
Felix, I am not trying
to put her down.
I just want you to know
she is not a librarian,
she's an actress... nude.
You're pushing me
too far, Oscar Madison.
All right, killer, that's it.
Let's go.
We're getting out of here.
Where we going?
Visit the Incas.
I accuse you of causing
war, poverty and pollution.
Cleanse yourself in the tub.
I'm glad we got here
after the rubber ducky.
Looked more like a penguin.
Shh. Don't be a wise guy.
This is dumb.
I was going to see this
with my theater group, anyway.
Will you just watch the play?
MAN: Hello, hello.
Who else will come
into the bathtub?
Come on in.
The water of life is great.
Hiya, Mel. It's good
to see you again.
Shh.
What's this "Mel" business?
You leading a secret life I
don't know anything about?
I'm not the only one, Felix.
Prepare yourself.
Please, help me.
I'm wrapped in a
towel of indifference.
Shed your indifference
and join us in the bathtub.
Oh, but I don't
know if I should.
Don't!
Felix.
Don't!
Oh! Oh!
Hey! He put his coat
over the best part!
( people bickering )
Oh, leave him alone.
Don't hurt him.
Stop it.
Oh, let him alone.
Come on, let him alone.
Let him alone? Why?
So he can put clothes
on the rest of my actors?
He didn't hurt anybody.
Are you kidding?
I've got to give everyone
their money back.
Give him a break. He loves her.
So does everyone else,
but they don't drag
her off the stage.
It's all my fault.
No, it's not.
( blowing whistle )
Raid, raid!
Okay, line up. You
know the routine.
Murray. Murray.
Murray, you wouldn't do
this if I was David Merrick.
I didn't know you
guys would be here.
Neither did I.
All right, I'll take
charge of this group.
We got a complaint on a riot.
I started it.
I didn't hear that.
He said he started...
If he started the riot,
I got to arrest him.
So I didn't hear
he started the riot.
You've got a heart of gold.
That's very nice, Murray.
I'll just arrest Madelyn.
How can you do that?
Easy. I do it once a week.
It's my duty.
Don't worry, Felix, I'll be
out in a couple of hours.
I can't wait a couple of hours.
I want to talk to you now.
How could you
do a thing like that?
I'm supposed to
take in the whole cast.
She's the lead.
You want me to get in
trouble with the actors' union?
Who's gonna know about it?
Give them ten minutes alone.
All right, men, let's
search the dressing rooms.
Pig!
Penguin.
Mel, what's going on?
None of your business.
Oh, yes, it is.
Why?
Because, I'm the
author of this play.
Where's my producer?
Bruce, I'm sorry.
Listen, get yourself
another duck.
And I want two weeks
severance pay from you.
Look, keep the costume...
Okay, load them up in the wagon.
Bruce, Bruce, we got a hit here.
No, no. He didn't mean me.
I'm a friend of Murray's.
I'm not in the play.
Stay out of show business.
Why don't you get
mugged by a walrus?
I'll hit you.
I'd like to give you one...
W-What do you want, Felix?
Do you want me to
give up my career?
No.
Why should I look
at you differently
just because you're
not wearing clothes?
But you're not the only one.
I wouldn't care if the
whole world went naked.
Might even be neater.
But, Felix, you and I
hit if off so well together
because you thought
I was a librarian.
No, not because I thought
you were a librarian.
Because you're you.
You mean, my being in the play
really doesn't bother you?
Absolutely not.
Oh, Felix. Then why did you
run up on stage and cover me up?
Just an impulsive action.
I suddenly saw a
naked librarian there.
I didn't see an actress.
But you lied to me.
You had no faith in me.
Why didn't you trust me?
Oh, but, Felix,
can't you understand
why I lied to you?
I'm ready, Murray.
Madelyn, keep the coat.
RUBBER DUCKY: You
idiot! You broke my beak!
OSCAR: If you don't get out of
my way, I'll pluck your feathers.
Thanks, officer.
And you, I hope
your igloo melts!
Hey, buddy.
How'd it go with Madelyn?
It's all my fault, isn't it?
No. No.
This looks like
the little theater
we had in college.
Yeah.
I played Jaques.
"All the world's a stage."
"All the world's a stage...
"and all the men and
women merely players
and each man in his
time plays many parts."
Hey, that's great.
No. I played the fool then
and I played the fool tonight.
Felix, in my opinion,
you were the best
thing in the show tonight.
Hi, Felix.
Hi, buddy.
( moans )
Next question.
Come on, Felix, there's
going to be a lot of other girls.
( phone rings )
If it's for me,
tell them I died.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Gloria.
Your ex-wife.
I'm not here. Not here.
Yes, he's here.
I won't talk to her.
I won't talk to her.
He says he's glad you called.
Tell her I'm going out,
got a date with the actress.
Nothing. He was sitting
around listening to music.
Dinner, tomorrow night at 8:00.
Absolutely not.
He says he'd love to.
All right, dear. Bye-bye.
What are friends for?
This would be a great
hand if we were playing gin.
Be a great game if
you played your hand.
A cop just can't get
a break nowadays.
Cards, Vinnie.
Will you wait a second?
I don't want to lose count.
It's a real joy to play
with you, you know that?
Like playing with
an adding machine.
Will you say how
many cards you want?
All right, give
me... give me two.
Two. Dealer takes one.
I'll bet $2.
You see me?
I see you.
What do you got?
Beat three sevens.
That's what I figured.
You know why?
'Cause I've got a poker face.
You don't have a poker face.
Oh, go write a book.
You know what I hate
worse than a poor loser?
An obnoxious winner.
Take your money.
Cash me in, fellas.
Hey, wait a minute,
what do you mean?
It's still early.
I've got a date.
She won't mind if you
pick her up a few hours late.
She's picking me up.
Good, we'll deal her in.
Oscar, appeal to him, will ya?
He's your friend!
I can't say anything to
him, he really digs this girl.
In fact, he hasn't moaned
about his ex-wife for weeks now.
( door buzzer )
There she is.
Now, fellas, when she
comes in, put on your coats.
What do you mean
put on your coats?
We're playing poker.
All right, but please
watch your language
and stand up like
nice gentlemen.
Who is she, anyway,
Princess Grace?
Hello, darling.
Right on time.
I want you to meet my friends.
Fellas, this is Madelyn.
I think you know Oscar.
Speed, Vinnie and Murray.
Hello.
Nice to see you again,
Madelyn, I'd keep standing,
but it's my deal.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I just hope I'm not
interrupting your game.
What's there to interrupt?
No one's got any money.
Nobody but Felix.
Why don't you help
yourself to some sandwiches.
No. That's poker food.
I'm going to take you
to a nice restaurant.
Come into the kitchen, I
have a surprise for you.
How do you like that?
Poker food's good enough for us.
Gee, that Felix
is doing all right.
Well, I'm not.
Come on, let's play cards.
I've seen that girl somewhere.
She works at the library.
How would you ever see her?
No, no, that's not it.
But I'm sure I've seen her.
Will you ante, please?
Felix, you're always
luring me into the kitchen.
Kitchen is the most
romantic room in the house.
Food is sensual.
Well, where's my surprise?
Ah.
Felix Unger's special
homemade oatmeal cookies
for you to take home.
Oh, Felix, that's so sweet.
Well, you don't always get
enough time to eat, I think.
You're too thin.
Don't have one now.
It'll spoil your appetite.
Just a bite.
Mmm. Delicious.
You're right.
Murray,
I got four beautiful cards,
but I need one more.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where was it? Where was it?
Buy me.
I got it!
It's not your turn.
No. I mean, I remembered
where I saw that girl.
It was only last week.
I arrested her for
indecent exposure.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
You arrested her for what?
On a morals charge...
Indecent exposure.
Boy, what a relief.
A relief?
Yeah. If I hadn't
remembered, I'd be up all night.
Hey, I wonder if Felix knows.
There's nothing to
know. She's a librarian.
Let's play cards.
Hey... maybe she's
a topless librarian.
You're crazy. Madelyn's
a sweet lovely girl.
Come on, will ya?
Oscar's right.
A nice girl like that wouldn't
get indecently exposed
unless it was for a
very good reason.
Listen, you heard of
those off-Broadway plays
where nobody wears any clothes?
She's in one of those?
She's the lead in one of those.
I don't believe that.
Me neither.
Hey, what's the
name of the play?
Bathtub.
Well, that don't
sound so dirty to me.
I've heard of that play.
It's not a dirty play.
One reviewer said
that it was a stunning
reappraisal of social values.
Looked more like a naked
reappraisal of social values.
Are you trying to tell
me that sweet librarian
is the lead in a nude
off-Broadway show?
Oscar, we raid the
place every week.
VINNIE: Yeah, but Murray,
it's a very moral play.
I understand that they
have this huge bathtub
that symbolizes the world
and then the actors
symbolize humanity
cleansing themselves.
Nude?
You can't take a bath
with your clothes on.
You're crazy.
It just doesn't fit.
I never forget a face.
In a play like that,
who looks at a face?
( all laughing )
Well... oh, Vinnie,
where's my money?
Oh.
We have to go, fellas.
Feel free. We don't
want to keep you.
We don't want
to rush you either.
We don't want to keep you
and we don't want to rush you.
It was nice to meet you all.
Have a good game.
Thanks a lot, Felix.
With what you left us,
we might just as
well play strip poker.
Hi.
What are you doing up so early?
Don't sit there. You
know better than that.
I couldn't sleep.
Had your breakfast?
No, I'm not hungry.
I'm just gonna nibble.
Have a good time last night?
Fantastic.
I always have a good
time with Madelyn.
You really like her, huh?
She's the greatest
girl I've ever met.
Wow, that's a
pretty big statement
for a girl you don't
know very long.
How long does it take?
I've dated enough girls
to know when it's right.
It's right.
She's done the impossible.
What's that?
Made me stop
thinking about Gloria.
Has it ever occurred
to you to use a napkin?
Hold that over the sink.
I hope you're not
rushing in to anything.
You know, I dated my
ex-wife for six years.
Still turned out
that I was rushing.
How can you eat a
pickle, chocolate cookies
and beer for breakfast?
Are you kidding?
Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.
Besides, I want to
talk about Madelyn.
I thought you liked her.
I do, I do, but I'm a reporter
and I'm curious.
She has no sisters
or eligible girlfriends,
so if you think you're
going to horn in on that...
That's not what I was thinking.
For instance, like,
what does she do
when she's not with
you for instance?
She does the laundry.
She cleans her apartment,
she works at the library.
She depends on
me for excitement.
Oh, do you use her library?
I mean, do you
ever see her at work?
Nah, the branch is too far away.
Where is it?
I don't know, somewhere
off Broadway she said.
MAN: Pardon me, please.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir.
Vinnie.
Oscar.
Hey, Vinnie, Oscar.
What are you doing here?
Same thing you're doing here.
I'm here because
my best friend's girl
may not be on the level.
SPEED: Well, that's part
of the reason I'm here.
Let's face it, Oscar,
we're all dying of curiosity.
Hey, don't I know you
from the peekaboo movie houses?
Your name's Mel, right?
You got the wrong guy.
Turn around, will you?
I want to just make
sure it's Madelyn.
Well, even if it isn't,
we're still in for a great
evening at the theater.
Watching your best
friend's girl take a bath
is great theater?
You said it, buddy.
It's aesthetic.
You going to turn around, Mel?
What are you going to do?
You have to give this
new theater a chance
before you condemn it.
Besides, this sort of thing
is making a lot of money.
It's got to.
They don't spend a
dime on wardrobe.
See? There's nothing
wrong with that.
Look, I think that the
actors are holding hands
to symbolize the
brotherhood of man.
They're stark naked.
My brother's 41 years old.
I never saw him naked.
There they go in the tub.
( splashing into water )
What was that?
Audience involvement.
WOMAN: The water
of life seeps over me,
but it does not cleanse.
Why? Why?
MAN: It cannot cleanse
without the soap.
We're all waiting
for the soap of life.
I'm waiting for
the towel of life.
When will the
soap of life arrive?
Who knows?
No one knows.
Wonder when
they'll stand up again.
Will you get out
of... ( cawing )
Do you know what I am?
Crazy. Get off me, will you?
I am the rubber ducky.
You look like a penguin.
Don't be a wise guy. I
am the rubber ducky.
Somebody get the
rubber ducky off me?
Relax, Oscar. He's
part of the play.
Yeah, relax.
I am a messenger
from the bathtub.
I accuse you, sir, of
war, poverty and pollution.
Come cleanse
yourself in the tub.
Come on, give me a
break, will ya, rubber ducky?
All right, stay dirty.
Madam, how about you?
Whatever happened to
plays like Timeout For Ginger?
MAN: Hello, hello.
Who else will come
into the bathtub?
Oh, boy.
MAN: Come on in.
The water of life is great.
What's the matter, Oscar?
Take a look over there.
Please help me.
I'm wrapped in a
towel of indifference.
Hey, that's Madelyn.
MAN: Shed your indifference
and join us in the bathtub.
Oh, but I don't
know if I should.
Take it off, baby.
Be aesthetic.
That's what she's doing.
She's throwing in the towel.
Hey, aren't you the
rubber ducky from the play?
No, I'm a maitre d'
from the North Pole.
Oh, fella, listen,
do you work here?
Yeah, I'm the producer
and you can't see
any of the girls.
And if you want a program,
it'll cost you a buck and a half.
No. I'm a personal
friend of Madelyn Waters.
Could you tell me where
her dressing room is?
What would she need
with a dressing room?
Will you stop with the
jokes, Speed, this is serious.
Sure, it's serious,
but it's also comical.
What is?
Avant-garde theater.
All I know is this is the
first play I've ever seen
that left a ring
around the stage.
Another joke, huh, Speed?
Miss Waters' dressing
room is right over there.
Fellas, whoa, whoa.
Come on, now, look,
I don't think it's right
for all of us to go
and see Madelyn.
Oh, you think she might
feel like she's facing a jury?
Right. You know, I think I
should just go see her alone.
Look, Oscar, we don't
want to put you on the spot,
but Felix is our friend, too.
Yeah, but he's always
used to me butting in.
Oscar's right.
I mean, if he's going to
hate somebody for interfering,
he might as well
hate his best friend.
Thanks a lot, Vinnie.
Okay, let's wait outside.
You know, I wonder why
she's keeping things from Felix.
I don't know.
But she didn't keep
anything from us.
( both laughing )
MADELYN: Oh, just a minute.
I'm not dressed.
Yes?
Oh, Oscar.
Hi, Madelyn.
Hello.
Did you see the play?
Yeah, I saw the play.
Were you shocked?
No. I understand avant-garde.
Some of it's serious,
some of it's comedy.
You were shocked.
I was shocked.
Well, you shouldn't be, Oscar,
after all, it's a
perfectly legitimate play.
It even won an award.
I'm a sportswriter,
not a drama critic.
I tell you one thing, I know I
don't like the rubber ducky.
I thought you were a librarian.
Yes...
I know. You work at the
library during the day...
No. Three days a week you
work at the library, and then you...
Do you have a library card?
Oscar, I'm an actress.
There is no library.
That means you lied to Felix.
No!
I... well, I meant...
I meant to tell him,
but I-I just wanted
to make it gradual.
Well, what do you call gradual?
"Felix, I'm a librarian."
"Felix, I'm a librarian
in the anatomy section."
No, no, look, Oscar, I
really do care about Felix.
I mean, he's so sweet
and he's understanding,
but I just don't think
he'd understand this.
I mean... you see,
I just wanted to wait
until we got to know
each other a little better.
That your costume, huh?
Yeah.
You know him six weeks.
Were you going to wait until
you were walking down the aisle
and then say, "Felix, I'm
an actress in a nude play"?
I want to tell him, Oscar.
You got to tell him.
I mean I can't
let you lie to him.
Oh, you're right.
You're right, Oscar.
I'll tell him on our next date.
Attagirl. The truth
is always better.
When my ex-wife
finally told me the truth,
it solved all our problems.
What did she tell you?
That she wanted a divorce.
No, Murray. I'm
glad you told me.
This way I was able
to talk to Madelyn.
I told her she had
to tell Felix the truth.
Of course she was
wearing clothes.
Listen, I better call you back.
Felix is home. Bye-bye.
Hi, buddy. You're home early.
How you feeling?
What is it, Felix?
Oh, boy, something's the matter.
I never saw you make
a sloppy drink before.
It's Madelyn, huh?
I'd rather not talk about it.
She told you...
I mean, I bet she
told you something.
She told me something.
It's destroyed me.
Felix, whatever she told you,
Madelyn is still a
sweet, lovely girl.
Nothing has changed.
Everything's changed.
She told me the truth.
The truth is better
than a lie, Felix.
Not this time.
Her ship sails tomorrow.
"Her ship sails tomorrow"?
What are you talking about?
Madelyn took a job
at a library in Peru.
In Peru?
Felix.
( Felix grunting )
Felix?
You're going to mess up my room.
What are you doing?
I don't want to mess up my room.
I have to throw things.
Not the sandwich.
I'm not through with it yet.
My midnight snack.
She never cared for me.
Of course she cared for you.
That's why she told you
she was going to Peru.
Bringing the Dewey
decimal system to the Incas.
How can you believe
such a wild story, Felix?
Will you tell me that?
Not so wild.
The Incas will love her.
Felix, the truth
is much simpler.
See, Felix...
she's a naked actress
in an off-Broadway play.
Oh, Oscar, this is no
time to be kidding me.
Why would I kid
about a thing like that?
Felix.
Felix, listen to me.
Felix, she was
afraid to tell you.
She's working in a
play called Bathtub.
That's the lowest,
most abominable thing
you've ever said to me.
Some people think it's art.
Please don't sit on my bed.
What are you worried about?
It's a terrible thing to say.
A woman I care for...
even if the play
got good notices.
Felix, it's not such
a terrible thing,
and that's why she's
afraid to tell you.
You're such a Boy Scout.
You think by putting her down,
you're gonna make
me feel better?
It's not going to work.
Felix, I am not trying
to put her down.
I just want you to know
she is not a librarian,
she's an actress... nude.
You're pushing me
too far, Oscar Madison.
All right, killer, that's it.
Let's go.
We're getting out of here.
Where we going?
Visit the Incas.
I accuse you of causing
war, poverty and pollution.
Cleanse yourself in the tub.
I'm glad we got here
after the rubber ducky.
Looked more like a penguin.
Shh. Don't be a wise guy.
This is dumb.
I was going to see this
with my theater group, anyway.
Will you just watch the play?
MAN: Hello, hello.
Who else will come
into the bathtub?
Come on in.
The water of life is great.
Hiya, Mel. It's good
to see you again.
Shh.
What's this "Mel" business?
You leading a secret life I
don't know anything about?
I'm not the only one, Felix.
Prepare yourself.
Please, help me.
I'm wrapped in a
towel of indifference.
Shed your indifference
and join us in the bathtub.
Oh, but I don't
know if I should.
Don't!
Felix.
Don't!
Oh! Oh!
Hey! He put his coat
over the best part!
( people bickering )
Oh, leave him alone.
Don't hurt him.
Stop it.
Oh, let him alone.
Come on, let him alone.
Let him alone? Why?
So he can put clothes
on the rest of my actors?
He didn't hurt anybody.
Are you kidding?
I've got to give everyone
their money back.
Give him a break. He loves her.
So does everyone else,
but they don't drag
her off the stage.
It's all my fault.
No, it's not.
( blowing whistle )
Raid, raid!
Okay, line up. You
know the routine.
Murray. Murray.
Murray, you wouldn't do
this if I was David Merrick.
I didn't know you
guys would be here.
Neither did I.
All right, I'll take
charge of this group.
We got a complaint on a riot.
I started it.
I didn't hear that.
He said he started...
If he started the riot,
I got to arrest him.
So I didn't hear
he started the riot.
You've got a heart of gold.
That's very nice, Murray.
I'll just arrest Madelyn.
How can you do that?
Easy. I do it once a week.
It's my duty.
Don't worry, Felix, I'll be
out in a couple of hours.
I can't wait a couple of hours.
I want to talk to you now.
How could you
do a thing like that?
I'm supposed to
take in the whole cast.
She's the lead.
You want me to get in
trouble with the actors' union?
Who's gonna know about it?
Give them ten minutes alone.
All right, men, let's
search the dressing rooms.
Pig!
Penguin.
Mel, what's going on?
None of your business.
Oh, yes, it is.
Why?
Because, I'm the
author of this play.
Where's my producer?
Bruce, I'm sorry.
Listen, get yourself
another duck.
And I want two weeks
severance pay from you.
Look, keep the costume...
Okay, load them up in the wagon.
Bruce, Bruce, we got a hit here.
No, no. He didn't mean me.
I'm a friend of Murray's.
I'm not in the play.
Stay out of show business.
Why don't you get
mugged by a walrus?
I'll hit you.
I'd like to give you one...
W-What do you want, Felix?
Do you want me to
give up my career?
No.
Why should I look
at you differently
just because you're
not wearing clothes?
But you're not the only one.
I wouldn't care if the
whole world went naked.
Might even be neater.
But, Felix, you and I
hit if off so well together
because you thought
I was a librarian.
No, not because I thought
you were a librarian.
Because you're you.
You mean, my being in the play
really doesn't bother you?
Absolutely not.
Oh, Felix. Then why did you
run up on stage and cover me up?
Just an impulsive action.
I suddenly saw a
naked librarian there.
I didn't see an actress.
But you lied to me.
You had no faith in me.
Why didn't you trust me?
Oh, but, Felix,
can't you understand
why I lied to you?
I'm ready, Murray.
Madelyn, keep the coat.
RUBBER DUCKY: You
idiot! You broke my beak!
OSCAR: If you don't get out of
my way, I'll pluck your feathers.
Thanks, officer.
And you, I hope
your igloo melts!
Hey, buddy.
How'd it go with Madelyn?
It's all my fault, isn't it?
No. No.
This looks like
the little theater
we had in college.
Yeah.
I played Jaques.
"All the world's a stage."
"All the world's a stage...
"and all the men and
women merely players
and each man in his
time plays many parts."
Hey, that's great.
No. I played the fool then
and I played the fool tonight.
Felix, in my opinion,
you were the best
thing in the show tonight.
Hi, Felix.
Hi, buddy.
( moans )
Next question.
Come on, Felix, there's
going to be a lot of other girls.
( phone rings )
If it's for me,
tell them I died.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Gloria.
Your ex-wife.
I'm not here. Not here.
Yes, he's here.
I won't talk to her.
I won't talk to her.
He says he's glad you called.
Tell her I'm going out,
got a date with the actress.
Nothing. He was sitting
around listening to music.
Dinner, tomorrow night at 8:00.
Absolutely not.
He says he'd love to.
All right, dear. Bye-bye.
What are friends for?