The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Big Brothers - full transcript

FELIX: Oscar?

Yeah.

Pick up your coat.

Listen, I'm glad you're home.

Something happened today.

I need a beer.

This is important.

I had quite a day.

A beer is important right now.

Mmm, oh, I needed that.

How are you, Felix,
how you feeling?



Something happened today

that I have to tell you about.

Felix, wait a minute.

How come I always have
to hear about your day?

How come you never
ask me about my day?

I'm sorry. How was your day?

Don't ask.

You know, you're not the
easiest man in the world to talk to.

I'm sorry, Felix. What is it?

You're not gonna like this.

( chewing ): Well, I'll never
know if you don't get to it.

Please don't talk with
your mouth full of food!

Let her tell you tomorrow
when she gets here.

Her? Who's her?



The mother.

Oh, I get it

it's a new word
game you're trying out.

No, I'm not playing any games.

Then what is it?

Tomorrow morning,
you're going to be a father.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

A father?

Ahh... you're
surprised, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm a little surprised.

If I'm supposed
to be the father,

who's supposed to be the mother?

Mrs. Grainger.

Nice lady, I don't even
know a Mrs. Grainger.

Will you stop, Felix,
tell me what it's about?!

The Big Brothers of America.

Yeah?

Where men act as father
to boys who don't have one.

Yeah, well, I know what the
Big Brothers of America are.

Good... the boy's
name is Randy Grainger.

Nice name.

We only take him one day a week.

His mother works on Saturday,

so we're signed up
to be his big brothers.

We're signed up?

Well, I signed the papers,

but you live here, too.

Yeah, but living here
doesn't make me a volunteer.

Besides, we have a picnic with
the Pigeon sisters on Saturday.

I fixed that up,

I changed the date to Sunday.

You what?

Oscar, this is a chance for us

to do something
useful with our lives.

I gave at the office.

You think that's the same thing

as serving on a
one-to-one basis?

Felix, I'm no good with
kids on a one-to-one basis.

Nonsense, you
have natural charm.

You have warm eyes.

I don't have warm eyes.

Don't con me, Felix.

You know me with kids.

I stare at them, waiting
for them to say something.

They stare back, waiting
for me to say something.

And from there it
goes right downhill.

In other words,
you're not interested.

Not in other words,
those are the exact ones.

I'm not interested.

Never mind.

I'll do it myself.

When the boy gets here,

I'll play with him,
and I'll guide him.

And I'll lend him a
helping hand in life.

Felix, someday they're
going to carve your head

on Mount Rushmore...

if I don't do it first.

( door buzzer )

Mr. Unger?

Mrs. Grainger, yes.

This must be Randy.

Yes, sir.

How do you do? I'm Felix Unger.

How do you do, sir?

I certainly appreciate
your doing this, Mr. Unger.

It's my pleasure.

I always wanted
to be a big brother.

Unfortunately, I was the
youngest in my family,

so I was always
the little brother.

We'll have fun, won't we?

Yes, sir.

Well, I have to get to work.

You be a good boy now.

I will mother.

Here's your toothbrush.

Be sure and brush after eating.

Yes, mother.

And keep out of drafts.

Not too many sweets now.

Oh, don't worry.

I've planned a balanced diet.

Good.

Well, bye, dear.
I'll see you at 6:00.

Bye, Mom.

I hope I'm doing
the right thing.

Don't worry, I've got a
lot of activities planned.

A lot of man-to-man stuff.

Nothing too rowdy.

Well, fine. Thank you again.

You bet. Bye-bye.

Well... here we are.

Yes, sir.

You don't have to call me sir...

I'm your big brother.

Call me Mr. Unger.

Yes, sir, Mr. Unger.

Let's not be formal.

Sit down, sit down.

Make yourself at home.

Don't sit there, sit here.

I think you'll find it
more comfortable.

Comfortable there?

Yes, sir.

It's a good sofa.

Don't do that.

Well, what would you like to do?

Anything you say, Mr. Unger.

I was trying to remember

what I enjoyed doing
when I was your age.

How would you like to run the
vacuum cleaner all by yourself?

There's... Martinique,
Mauritania, Mexico, Mexico...

Monaco! Now look...
you see the prince?

Yeah?

You can hold it.

Now, you see the
mark near his eye

that looks like a sty?

That makes it very valuable.

Because the prince has a sty?

No, it's not a
sty, it's a mistake.

Don't you understand that?

That's what makes it valuable.

Hmm, I guess so.

Sure is a lot of adventure
in stamps, isn't there?

Yeah.

I've got them all categorized.

Natural wonders,
flowers, jungle beasts.

Wait, you want to see my
Mexican special delivery?

It's a picture of the
Postmaster General asleep.

You already showed it to me.

I did?

Don't play with
that, that's not a toy.

Here's my National
Park Series...

You'll love these.

Look, there's the Grand
Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone...

Looks like one's missing.

Where's Zion Canyon?

Oh, if I've lost Zion Canyon,
I'll never forgive myself.

OSCAR: Felix?

You should have been
there, I was beautiful.

Three all, the
bottom of the ninth.

I laid down this beautiful bunt

and I scored Ziggy
with the winning run.

Wow!

In case you're wondering

who that is, he lives here, too.

What in the world...

Hey, whatever happened
to Zion Canyon?

Oh, he couldn't hit a curve,

so they sent him
back to the minors.

Hey, come here, I want
you to meet somebody.

This is Randy Grainger.
Oscar Madison.

Hi.

Sure.

Okay, listen, I was
sensational, Felix.

I may get the most
valuable player award.

I know where it is.

You two talk to each other.

How are you?

Fine.

What are you staring at?

Oh, not much.

Uh-huh.

FELIX: I've got it!

I got it.

What a relief.

It's in this album.

How are you two getting along?

Like I said, remember?

Downhill.

Come on, I want
to show you this.

Here, hold this.

Look... see the colors?

Isn't that marvelous?

( classical music playing )

Isn't that beautiful?

Yes, sir.

It's called "The Dance
of the Russian Peasants."

It tells a story...
Hear the oboe?

That's the little Russian girl

and she's running
through the wheat fields

on the way to meet
her Cossack fiancé.

He's played by the bassoon.

When they meet, you'll
hear a trill on the woodwinds.

Coming into the stretch,
it's Beeline on the rail...

Come on, Masky!

Do you mind
turning that thing off?

Are you kidding?

I got ten bucks on the
schnoz of that horse.

Why don't you listen on
the set in your bedroom?

The battery's dead.

Here comes Jubal on the outside.

( turns up music )

( turns up radio )

Come on, Masky!

Listen to the Cossack!

Come on, Cossack! Shh!

Shh!

And Jubal... Come on, Masky!

( yelling angrily )

Do you mind?

We're trying to listen
to something worthwhile.

And clean up that mess.

( turns off radio )

Listen to the Cossack.

Listen to the bassoon now.

Do you like to bet on horses?

Yeah, sure.

French horn.

How do you know
which one to bet on?

That's a good question, kid.

I use a scratch sheet.

What's that?

Can't you just see
the Cossack's horse?

It's a kind of letter that
handicappers put out.

Could I see one?

Are you really interested?

Yeah.

Okay, sure, come on.

( music swells to climax )

Now, that's really
living, isn't it, Randy?

Randy?

I know there's one
someplace here.

FELIX: Randy?

Wow, look at this room!

Isn't this disgusting?

I think it's neat!

Neat?

He doesn't mean neat neat.

He means groovy neat.

Do you know Willie Mays?

Sure, I know all these guys.

I'm a sportswriter.

Really? Do you know Tom Seaver?

Know him? Who do you think
taught him how to throw a curve?

Can I look at these pictures?

Sure, you can have
one if you want.

And here's a scratch sheet.

Hey, but not the
Raquel Welch, all right?

What are you doing?

Getting things shipshape.

Felix, you were in
the army four years.

Why suddenly
"shipshape" all of a sudden?

It's an expression.

All right, Felix, what is it?

"What is it?" He
asks. What is it?

He knows perfectly
well what it is.

What?

It's Randy.

Yeah?

Well, isn't it obvious?

If you mean there's
a kid named Randy

in my room looking
through my scrapbook.

That's obvious to me.

What's obvious to you?

That he likes you... very much.

Oh, you're crazy.

Oh, come on, I can tell.

He prefers your company to mine.

You really think so?

I know so.

That's why I think you
ought to be his big brother.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you're
not going to lay him off on me.

All I'm asking you
to do is take him out.

Are we not our brother's keeper?

Felix, why do you always
quote the Bible at me

when you want me to do something

I don't want to do?

I'm appealing to
your better nature.

You're appealing to
my guilty conscience.

You got to do it.

The kid isn't having
any fun with me.

Neither am I.

I'll pay for the cab.

I'll pay for the lunch.

Spend a little time with him.

I've even got tickets...

Forget it, Felix, I'm not...

Could you get me an
autographed baseball like this?

Sure, you can have
that one if you want it.

Gee, thanks. What
are we going to do now?

First I'm gonna get changed.

Then I'm grabbing a
cab, then some lunch.

I even have some tickets here...

For the opera?

Oh, look at that smile.

Did you have a good time?

I got to admit, we did.

Where's Randy?

He's up on the roof.

You let him go on the roof?

Don't panic, he's a
kid. Kids love roofs.

I got to admit, we
got along just great.

You're a nice man.

I know.

Did he enjoy the opera?

Yeah, listen, uh...

You know, when I was his age,

that's when I fell
in love with Norma.

What's Norma got
to do with the opera?

The name of the opera
you saw was Norma.

Oh, was that Norma?

Yeah, well... we really
didn't get to see Norma.

They canceled Norma?

No, we canceled Norma.

We got right to the door,

but, Felix, I couldn't
do that to the kid.

Where did you go?

Oh, a very nice place.

What? What?

A pool hall.

A pool hall?!

You took that nice, clean
young man to a pool hall?!

Hi, Mr. Unger!

Boy, Mr. Unger, did we have fun.

Uncle Oscar taught me how
to shoot pool and everything!

You should have seen
my two-cushion shot.

And Uncle Oscar won
five bucks off this...

What did you call him?

Pigeon.

Yeah, this pigeon.

And guess what, Mr. Unger?

I hit the spittoon three times.

Why don't you split
your beer with him?

And Mom, I played eight ball

and rotation and five-card stud,

and I learned about spittoons.

Want to see me spit?

What?!

We also listened
to classical music.

And guess what I had for lunch!

Beef jerky, pickled
eggs and candy bars.

He brushed his teeth
when he got back,

and washed his
hands, now didn't we?

Yeah, but Uncle Oscar
says germs are good.

They help build up resistance.

Don't worry.

Next week we'll be
much better organized.

I'm coming back aren't I, Mom?

I promise a balanced lunch.

Aren't I, Mom?

Well... I suppose
it'll be all right.

We better go now, Randy.

So long, Randy.

See you next week.

Bye, Mr. Unger.

Bye, Uncle Osc!

Bye, pal!

Uncle Oscar never makes his bed.

And he talks with
food in his mouth!

Boy, he's really neat.

You can come out now.

I ought to punch
you right in the nose.

Why? I didn't do anything.

If you didn't do anything,

why were you
hiding in your room?

I wasn't hiding in my room.

I was... tidying up.

You know what you did.

You turned a nice,
clean, decent kid

into a pint-size Oscar Madison.

What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that?

You want him to grow up a slob?

Felix, do you mind?

It's very hard to concentrate

with your finger in my face.

And I'm also not too thrilled

about being called a slob.

I didn't call you a slob.

Ah, you said I had

a slob-like
influence on the kid.

Ah. Ah.

Hardly a compliment, ah-ah-ah.

Oscar, Randy is at

a very impressionable age.

So am I!

For some peculiar reason,

you have become his hero.

And you're setting
a tragic example.

I'm not setting any example.

I just do everything
I feel like doing...

Except throw you out.

That's perfectly
all right with me.

But there's too much
at stake for the kid.

Suppose he wants
to become a surgeon.

Who wants a surgeon
with dirty hands?

Suppose he wants to become
President of the United States?

Who wants to see the
president address the Congress

in a dirty sweatshirt?

I'm not asking
him to do what I do.

He can't help himself.

What you do, he'll do.

He's putty in your hands.

Aw, Felix... Someday
he'll look back

and he'll say, "I owe
it all to Uncle Oscar."

Now, do you want
him to look back

from a pool hall or
from the White House?

By the time he
gets to be president,

the White House
may be a pool hall.

I thought you said
you liked the kid.

I do!

Then give him a break.

He's a nice kid, huh?

Yes.

Calls me Uncle Oscar.

Nobody's ever called
me Uncle Oscar.

Not even my nephew.

You really think I'm
setting a bad example?

Yes.

I mean, I don't
want to do anything

to hurt that kid, Felix.

Next time he comes
over, I'll cut out, that's all.

You've got to be here.

He's coming here to see you!

You're his hero.

Then what am I supposed to do?

It's not very difficult.

All you have to do
is change completely.

You'll make your bed.

You won't talk

with your mouth full of food.

You'll clean up your room.

You won't drink
beer out of the can.

You won't take your shoes off

and walk around in dirty socks.

I thought you said you
were going to make your bed.

I just did.

It looks as though
it has the hives.

What are the lumps?

Well, these are my slippers,
and those are some books,

and my thermal socks
and a box of crackers.

Everything I need in bed.

Is this an example for Randy?

These things belong
in your night table.

Where's your night table?

It's under there somewhere.

( classical music playing )

You see, Oscar?

Classical music is exciting.

Now honestly,
isn't that beautiful?

At the far turn, it's Moonbeam
with Epsilon on the outside!

Beautiful.

You've done a beautiful job.

Smells like a hospital.

How does it feel to know

that your room is free of germs?

Lonely.

Calm down.

Randy's going to love
the new Uncle Osc.

I greet them at the door.

I say, "Good morning,
Mrs. Grainger, Randy.

"How are you?

Won't you come in?"

And I say, "It's
a beautiful day."

And she says, "yes."

And then I make a
couple of phony remarks

about how nice she looks.

And she comes back

with a couple of dumb cracks.

And I say, "Would
you like to sit down?

Or would you like a snort?"

A snort?

Of coffee.

That's marvelous.

Marvelous, very thrilling.

Are my shoes shined enough?

My fingernails all right?

I feel like I'm back
in second grade.

Relax.

Sit.

What? And wrinkle my trousers?

You know your problem?

You're tense.

Enjoy being neat and clean.

I wish my mother
could see me now.

She spent the first
20 years of my life

trying to get me
to look like this.

She'd be very proud of you.

She wouldn't recognize me.

Felix, I can't go
through with it.

What?

I mean it, I really
can't go through with it.

I like that kid,
no, he gets to me.

What kind of example
would I be setting?

A very fine example.

No, no, a very phony example.

If I lied to the kid, he'd
see right through it.

See, kids aren't dumb today.

You have to be
truthful with them.

If I lied to him like this,

why Randy would
never trust me again.

( door buzzer ) Listen,
I'm getting out of here.

I will not lie to that kid!

What am I going to say to him?

Tell him I died.

( buzzing again )

Hello, Mrs. Grainger.

Well, hello, Randy!

Where's Uncle Oscar?

Randy, you didn't
say hello to Mr. Unger.

Hello, Mr. Unger.

Where's Uncle Oscar?

I'm not too sure he
can be with us today.

But don't worry,
we'll have a lot of fun.

I got some new record albums.

Oh, boy.

Won't you sit down,
Mrs. Grainger?

Well, just for a minute.

I'm sorry to miss Mr. Madison.

I wanted to talk to him.

Yeah. Well...

we weren't too well-
organized last week.

All I can do is apologize.

Mr. Madison has certain...
primeval characteristics.

But I promise you,
no more pool halls

and no more unbalanced meals.

That didn't worry me.

It didn't?

Well, a little at first

when Randy mentioned spitting.

But, after all, that's why

I entered him in this program.

To spit?

No, no, you know what I mean,

a boy who lives
alone with his mother

needs a man's influence.

And after a day
with Uncle Oscar,

Randy was all boy.

Of course, a few things

which had to be adjusted...

Like calling his grandmother
"a sweet old broad."

But I can handle that.

She straightened me out.

Well, I'm sorry to
have missed him,

but I'm sure you
two will have fun.

Yeah. We'll go
to an art gallery!

Maybe the zoo.

I'll be all right if I
take my allergy pills.

Come on, Randy,
we're getting out of here.

Uncle Oscar!

Hurry up.

You want to be bat boy
for the team, don't you?

How do you do?

Excuse me.

What gives here?

Well, I was sitting there and
it suddenly occurred to me...

What makes you so right?

Felix, there are a
lot of important things

going on in the
world, terrible things

like riots and taxes
and polluted air,

so who's going to care

if a kid washes
his hands or not?

We're going to play ball...

If that's all right
with you, ma'am.

Fine.

And may I say
it's a beautiful day

and you look very nice.

So that's Uncle Oscar.

Would you care for a snort?

I know I would.

Look at my records.

I have to put them away.

They'll be getting dusty.

Well, here, let me help.

That's all right...

Pick them up by
the edges, please.

Mr. Unger?

Yeah?

I'll be finished playing
ball in a couple hours,

and I thought maybe
I could come back

and listen to your records...

If you don't mind.

No, that'll be great.

I-I, I didn't really think
you were interested.

Oh, I am.

I'd love to see those
stamps again, too.

You would?

Gee, I've got a whole lot

I didn't even show you.

You'll be crazy about them.

That'll be great.

Yeah, they're marvelous.

I hope this proves
to your Uncle Oscar

that the finer things in life

do have some merit.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, son.

Bye, Mr. Unger.

Uncle Felix.

Uncle Felix.

Come on, Randy.

Felix, Randy and I both enjoyed

looking at your
stamp collection.

Aw.

I never knew the Prince
of Monaco had a sty.

I know you'd prefer playing
baseball, but you see?

There are other things in life.

Absolutely.

You know, it's nice
to have my room

clean for a change,
instead of sloppy.

And I have to admit
there are times

when dirty is better than clean.

Wow, Felix, that took a lot
of guts to say that, I know it.

Nope, it's not a matter of guts.

It's just a matter of
facing up to the truth.

A well-rounded human being

needs a little bit of
this, a little bit of that,

a little bit of everything.

Yeah.

Don't you agree?

Sure.

Am I right?

I just said you were right.

Well, it took of lot of guts
for you to admit I'm right.

And now, you shall
have your reward.

Look at this room!

I just left.

How could you get it
like this in 30 seconds?

I don't know.

You know, a little bit of this,

a little bit of that,

a little bit of everything.