The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 10 - It's All Over Now, Baby Bird - full transcript

OSCAR: Open up,
I can't find my keys!

Felix, open up!

( banging on door )

Felix!

I'm coming.

( banging continues )

Stop yelling, I'm coming!

Do you know what time it is?

Don't quiz me, I'm exhausted.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

Where have you been
for the last two days?



Canada.

Canada?

Yeah.

What were you doing there?

Visiting our American youth.

Not funny.

They sent me to Ottowa
to cover the international

curling championship.

Curling, I didn't know
hairdressers have their own sport?

Not that kind of curling.

A guy slides what
looks like a big rock

with a handle across the ice

and two guys sweep
stuff away from it.

That certainly
sounds fascinating.



Yeah, I knew you'd love
it if it involved sweeping.

At least you could have called
me, told me where you were.

Felix, don't start
with me, will ya?

I've spent two sleepless nights

in a cold Montreal hotel.

I'm gonna get a cup of
coffee, I'm going to bed.

I got to be up by 4:00,

cover a twi-night double header.

If you're so tired, you
shouldn't be drinking coffee.

I need the energy
to go to sleep.

Felix...

your clothes are wrinkled.

I fell asleep in them.

I've never seen your
clothes wrinkled before.

Oscar, I know this isn't
the best time to tell you.

You're tired...

No, no, no, I want
you to tell me.

If it's important enough for
you to wrinkle your clothes

I want to know what it is.

It's Albert.

He's taken sick.

He may not make it.

Albert's sick, he
may not make it?

Oh, my gosh, poor Ethel.

Ethel who?

Albert's wife.

Albert who?

Albert Firthstead.

Oh!

I'm talking about
Albert, my parrot.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

Your parrot?

You scared me half to death.

You got yourself
wrinkled all over

because of a parrot?

Well, I'm terribly sorry
if you're disappointed

that it isn't Albert Firthstead.

( Albert cawing )

This Albert happens to
mean an awful lot to me.

Yeah, but he's a parrot!

And he's sick.

Ah, just look at him.

Well, if he's sick,
take him to a vet.

I did.

The vet said there's
nothing to worry about.

I don't like the way he looks.

I told you that the
day you got him.

You never liked Albert, did you?

What's to like?

From the day he arrived,

he took over our house.

You never cook our dinner
until you cook his dinner.

You put the evening paper

in his cage before I get at it.

You ever try reading the
paper after a parrot's been at it?

You want to talk

about the time
your precious Albert

took a piece out of my ear?

A little nip. A little nip!

I had to wear a corn
plaster for a week.

The vet gave me medicine for
him but... he keeps getting worse.

It doesn't look good. Good!

You know you're a cruel man?

I'm cruel?!

I'm... Ah, listen, Felix,

if you cared about this bird

I mean, if you really
cared about him,

you'd give him his freedom.

Here. You just
give him a little toss

let him fly out to his freedom.

He's too sick to fly, he'd fall.

So much the better.

I just don't understand

how a big man can
hate a little parrot.

You know, its not so much
that that bird nips my ears,

it's that you pamper
him too much.

I don't pamper him.

Yes, you do.

Drink out of a glass
for goodness sake.

What are you
baking at this hour?

Nothing.

Oh, it's something, what is it?

It's nothing, it's nothing.

Come on, what are you... Aww...

A little birdseed cupcake

in the shape of a heart.

I thought it might
encourage him to eat.

Then you should have
made it in the shape of an ear.

Those I know he's partial to.

You know, your sadistic tendencies
come out when you're tired.

Good night, Felix.

( buzzing )

Morning already?
Gee, I feel like

I didn't have any sleep at all.

Time for Albert's medicine.

Every hour on the hour.

Yeah, well, don't
set the alarm for me.

I'm going to sleep till I hear
the ump yell, "Play ball!"

No, you can't go to sleep.

Can't? You watch me give
the best imitation you ever saw.

No, I need you to help me.

Please, you've got to help
me give Albert his medicine.

It's too difficult
to do by myself.

You're always telling
me how smart that bird is.

Get him to give you
a hand. Good night.

I'm not asking this for myself

I'm asking it for Albert.

He hates his medicine
and he bites at the dropper.

Ah, then you know
what he did to my ear.

Then it's on your head.

Felix, that quack vet
said he was all right.

You take the word of a quack?

He's a professional quack.

Listen, that bird will
live just to spite me.

But I'll tell you something,

I don't care whether
he lives or not.

I want to get some sleep.

Good night.

Is that your last word?

"Good night" was my last word.

And what about my bird?

Stuff him.

I hope you're happy.

( mumbling ): What
is this? What is it?

You heard me.

I hope you're happy.

You got your wish.

I got my wish? What
wish, what wish?

What time is it?

Albert... passed on.

Did you hear what I said?

Albert has passed on.

Oh, the parrot.

Is that 6:00 in the morning?

You wished him dead
and now he's dead.

And you don't feel the
least bit guilty, do you?

Oh, I feel very
sorry about your bird

but I got to get some sleep.

You can go back to sleep
like nothing's happened?

It's 6:00.

You said it would
make you happy,

and I hope it makes you happy.

Go on, go back to sleep.

Live it up!

I need some coffee.

No, no, that's all right.

I've got to keep busy.

I understand.

OSCAR: Ah, my
beautiful Pigeon sisters.

Three hours of sleep
never seems to be enough.

Oh, is that a single?

Excuse me.

Hey, what's the matter?

You look great.

And you smell marv...

Hey, what do you say if
tonight I drop by your place

we have a couple of
drinks a few laughs?

You can laugh
at a time like this?

Not at a time like
this, a time like tonight.

What do you say?

That's the most
insensitive, unfeeling thing

I've ever heard in my life.

OSCAR: What is it? A
guy gets up in the morning

two of his best
friends hate him.

Felix, will you tell them
I'm not such a monster.

I'm afraid I can't
do that, Oscar.

Will somebody tell
me what's going on?

Have you forgotten about Albert?

( whistling softly )

I forgot, yeah.

I'm sorry, Cecily.

I'm sorry, Gwen, I just forgot.

You know how a guy tries
to push out bad thoughts,

unpleasant thoughts,

he wants to push them out.

I'm sorry.

Well, I suppose I understand.

Good, now about tonight.

I'll bring up a couple
of bottles of wine.

Oscar Madison!

You're not a nice person!

You really had me fooled.

You always presented
this cold, heartless exterior.

I never realized before that
you were just being honest.

Wait a minute!

I got feelings here, too.

Yes, yes, oh, yes.

You better exercise your
feelings with somebody else.

You never liked Albert
from the very beginning.

It's been the talk of
the apartment building.

I never wanted any
harm to come to Albert.

You got to believe me.

Please, don't try
to get round me.

Look, a guy says
things he doesn't mean.

I didn't mean those
things I said about Albert.

Don't alibi.

It's yourself you
have to live with.

Oh, so true.

That was a good one, Felix.

Ah, leave me alone.

What do I have to
do to prove I'm sorry?

Sadness ought to
bring people together.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

All right, we forgive you, too.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

OSCAR: Thanks, Felix.

Have you made any arrangements

for the, uh... funeral?

Hmm?

The funeral.

No, I hadn't.

( chuckles grimly )

I just hadn't th...

What do you... what do
you do with... you know?

Most people just...

Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

GWEN: What she means is, uh...

You know.

No, I don't know.

They mean throw him away.

You said it first!

I-I-I suppose
that's all we can do.

Where is he?

Oh...

The bag you bought
his bird seed in.

Oh, he'd have loved that.

Well, come on.

Let's get it over with.

Albert would have
wanted it that way.

( organ music playing )

So this is how it all ends?

In the garbage.

Oh, don't think of
it like that, Felix.

Just think how
happy Albert will be

up there in parrot paradise.

Well.

Shouldn't we say
something first?

Oh, yeah.

Look out below!

You never did like Albert.

Now, look, I feel
guilty enough as it is.

This whole thing is wrong.

He shouldn't just be
thrown into the garbage.

How would you like to be
dumped into the garbage?

He'd feel comfortable
in familiar surroundings.

Why am I always the heavy?

It wasn't my idea to
put him in the trash.

What would you do with him?

Me? I'd put him in the trash.

What else are we supposed to do?

We can give him a decent burial.

That's right. Albert would
want a decent burial.

Oh, you want a decent burial?

Yes.

Fine, there's only
one problem. What?

In all of New York,

I can't think of one
piece of unpaved ground.

You'll find somewhere,
I know you will.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't
have the time for this.

By 4:00 I got to
be at the ball park

I got to watch the Mets
slaughter the Cardinals.

Oh, it's a baseball team.

But you've got to help Felix.

He can't do it alone.

What about you?

Oh, we'd do anything
in the world for you,

Felix, you know we would.

But?

It's just that we
have an appointment

with the hairdresser.

I understand.

I understand, too,
it means I'm stuck.

Ah, you don't have
to do anything...

I want to. I want to.

Listen, we can't keep
the manicurist waiting.

Oscar, please,
don't be irreverent.

Bye-bye, Felix.

Good-bye, Felix.

Good-bye, Albert.

Good-bye, Oscar.

Hey, Felix.

Have I got a great idea.

We'll bury Albert at sea.

Parrots are supposed
to love the sea.

Now, that's a very
sensitive thought.

Yeah, you know what? We're
going to bury Albert in the East River.

That's a wonderful idea.

We won't even need the shovel.

Oh, yes we will, have you
seen the East River lately?

Do you want to
say any last words?

I don't know.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!"

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just
can't bury him.

Will you look at that water?

So it's dirty?

I won't do it.

( clank )

Oscar...

Oh, come on, will you, Felix?

What are you doing?

It's a bird.

Where else would you put him?

Pick him up.

Take him out of there, please.

Why didn't we think of the zoo

before walking
around for three hours?

I'm sorry, it was my fault

but I hated the river.

Forget it.

I just hated it...
I hated the river.

It'd be just like throwing
Albert in the garbage

only wetter.

Since we're here

let's get it over with, okay?

Oh, this is nice, isn't it?
Nice place, so serene.

But I don't think

it's going to matter to Albert.

He's as serene as
he's going to get, Felix.

I don't know, I don't know.

Well, I do... whoa,
I see a great spot.

Here, you take Albert,
I'll go get the spot.

MAN: Hey, knock it off.

Knock it off.

Ma'am?

Police.

Look, I don't make the laws,

I just enforce them.

And you can't do no...

digging in the... park.

( chuckles ): Oh... the clothes.

I have them on so much
I forget I'm wearing them.

I'm not surprised you'd want to.

I do my duty.

What is your duty?

I'm looking for sex maniacs.

This is supposed to fool them.

Fooled us.

I had no idea New York cops
still wore women's clothes.

I'm the only one left.

And the only reason I'm here is
because my sergeant hates me.

That's rough. I hate him.

But I get to deduct all the
dresses off my income tax.

How come you're
digging in the park?

I want to bury something.

What?

Albert.

Who's Albert? Where is he?

He's in here.

All of him?

He's a parrot.

Was.

Ah, your pet, huh?

Gee, that's a shame.

Poor, little guy.

Wish I could help you

but you can't bury
him in the park.

Oh, come on, give
us a break, will you?

We've been searching
for three hours.

It's the only soft spot
in all of New York.

You should take
him to a pet cemetery.

Take him to a what?

A pet cemetery.

Ah, come on, will you?

It's the nicest thing

and if you really
love your pet...

It's a great idea.

I think it's the stupidest
thing I ever heard.

I don't think it's stupid.

"I don't think it's stupid"

but I'll bet it's expensive.

You going to argue
with the officer

or you going to ask
directions to the mortuary?

I wonder if I can get Donald
Duck to do the eulogy.

Wow, what a
creepy looking joint.

Come on, Felix,

let's get out of here.

May I be of some service?

I am Mr. Humus, the director.

Yes, um, we've suffered a loss.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he a member of the household

or did you keep him in the yard?

Household.

A parrot.

Albert.

Mm-hmm.

( clears throat )

This way, please.

And now then,
what kind of service

did you have in mind?

Excuse me.

I just remembered, I
don't have money with me.

Can I borrow the money...?

Felix, this is insanity.

Why don't we drop
the bird on the desk

and get out of here.

Please?

Okay, but no
borrowing, I'll pay for it.

Oh, no, I wouldn't
think of it...

Felix, Felix, I want
to get it over with.

I'll give him the $25

and we'll get out of here.

There you go. Funeral's on me.

Okay, let's go, Felix.

Just one moment.

There are a few details.

What price range did you
have in mind for the casket?

Well, whatever price range
is included in the 25 bucks.

The price of the
casket is not included.

This is our, um, El Dorado line.

Now, that is made
of solid mahogany

with ivory handles.

This one is of pine
with brass handles.

We call it our executive line.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Is that the price?

Well, what's your cheapest one?

That one.

What do you call that?

Papier-mache, we don't
even bother to give it a name.

Well then, can I put
you down for the, uh...

Cheap one.

Medium-priced one.

Very well.

Okay, let's go, Felix.

One more thing.

Granite or marble?

Granite or marble what?

The headstone.

You're putting me on.

This is some kind
of a joke, isn't it?

Mr. Madison, you are
obviously not a pet person.

But I am sure there is
something that you care about

outside of money.

Well, which headstone is
included in the 25 bucks?

Neither one, I'm afraid.

The inexpensive one.

Is that it?

I think so.

Okay, Felix, let's go.

One more thing.

All we have to do now

is to decide on the
location of the lot.

Now, for just a few more dollars

we can have an
excellent view lot

overlooking the statue of Bambi

or perhaps somewhere
near Rin Tin Tin.

I think we'll take...

I think we'll take a walk is
what we're going to take.

There's a lot of extras
around here, Mister.

The only thing you get
here for $25 is a receipt.

Felix, no matter what

Albert is not going to get

a limousine procession.

Try to remember where you are.

I remember where I am.

I'm $150 in the hole!

Mr. Madison, I can understand

this is your hour of grief,
but you must be practical.

The shorter your outbursts

the quicker you can leave.

Next question.

Yes, when would you like to
have the deceased interred?

Soon as possible.

Good, immediately then.

Now, how many friends

of the deceased can we expect?

I beg your pardon?

How many mourners?

Well, there's, um...

I suppose the doctor...

Pigeon sisters.

Pigeon sisters?

They're people, they're people!

Well, it does seem so hollow

when the deceased
bids farewell to this world,

that his peers are not
there to see him off.

Did he have any bird friends?

Albert had no peers.

He was a giant among birds

and they resented him for it!

No mourners.

No mourners!

( organ music playing )

It's so sad.

What a waste.

Money down the drain.

Oh, Oscar!

I feel terrible.

I had no idea that his
illness was so serious.

Don't blame yourself.

But I obviously made
the wrong diagnosis.

We know so little.

( sighing )

( clearing throat )

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today

to bid farewell to... 150 bucks.

BOTH: Shh!

Shh!

To Albert, beloved
pet to Felix Unger,

friend of Oscar Madison,

Gwendolyn and Cecily Pigeon...

He remembered us.

And Dr. Maurice Schneider.

You did remember to give
him his medicine, didn't you?

Every hour on the hour.

The mysteries of life

have once again
reached full circle.

DR. SCHNEIDER: Every hour?

Four drops every hour.

Just as you instructed.

Hey, fellas, will
you keep it down?

It's a very expensive funeral.

I told you to give him

one drop every four hours.

No wonder.

He overdosed.

You mean it was my fault?

( clears throat )

What we must try to understand

is that death is part of life,

and that we, the living

must learn that death
is not the end of life

but merely a step,
a step toward a truer

richer, fuller ending.

And if we shed tears for Albert,

are we not only shedding
tears for ourselves?

( weak cawing )

( cawing )

Albert?

( squawking )

Albert!

Stop the funeral!

It's locked.

Must be stuck.
Locks costs extra.

He's standing up, he's alive!

It's a miracle.

He seems all right.

All that medicine you gave him

he must have been in a coma.

( squawking )

Albert... Albert.

Look out, the ear!

Come back, Albert.

Albert!

Albert, you come back here.

Albert.

I liked him better
when he was dead.

He's gone, he's gone.

What are you griping about?

Felix, he was a lot
goner a minute ago.

I'm, uh, sorry that things
didn't work out better.

It would have been
such a nice funeral.

Yeah, but since we're
not going to have a funeral

I'd like to have my
money back, please.

I'm sorry, it's not refundable.

But the bird's alive!

Well, you can hardly
blame me for that.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Hold it, nobody move.

Just hold it.

What are you doing?

It's my fly.

My pet fly.

On with the funeral.

Oh, come now,
this is ridiculous.

Oh, do you think the
Better Business Bureau

would find it ridiculous?

I see, did the
deceased have a name?

Sol.

Sol.

( clears throat )

( organ music playing )

( clears throat )

Ladies and gentlemen

we are gathered here
today to bid farewell

to Sol, beloved fly
of Oscar Madison.

Now, we all know that
life is not one long...

Good morning, Felix.

Boy, am I hungry.

How do you feel?

I didn't sleep 30
seconds last night.

Because of Albert?

Yeah, I haven't felt this rotten

since my divorce.

Oh, cheer up.

He was born free, and
now he can live free.

He was born in a pet shop

and he lived there all his life.

He's probably a
lot happier anyway.

Met a girl parrot,
fell in love, you know.

He was always happy here.

It's just not like
him to disobey, I...

( squawking )

Well, he's not in the
obituary columns anyway.

( squawking )

Did you hear something?

Yeah, my stomach's
growling, I'm starving.

Can it be?

No, it can't be.

Oh, Oscar! Oscar!

Albert's come back.

Look who's here!

Albert, hello...
Say hello to Oscar.

ALBERT: Oscar.

Hello, Albert, how are
you? Nice to see you.