The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 11 - Felix Is Missing - full transcript
When Felix leaves on a sudden out of town assignment, their friends think he died at Oscar's hands.
Is that you putting a flower
in your buttonhole?
Yeah, you like it?
Yeah, but aren't you afraid
the jacket'll wilt the flower?
What are you talking about?
I just got it cleaned.
You should have had it
pressed while you were at it.
What are you doing
in your pajamas?
I thought you had a
date with Geraldine.
Geraldine and I had a tiff.
We are no more.
Oh, a tiff, huh?
Took her to a cocktail
party last night,
I ended up taking
another girl home.
Why'd you do that?
Because she put a
lampshade on her head...
She can't handle her liquor.
Hey, what's Geraldine's
phone number?
Oh, come on.
Oh, I'm only kidding.
I got a date with
Gwen Pigeon tonight.
When she drinks,
she gets frisky.
Have fun.
I will.
Oh, come on, call
Geraldine, will you?
Lampshades aren't so bad.
When my ex-wife used
to have too much to drink,
she'd put on her ballet
shoes and do Swan Lake.
How I used to
pray for a real lake,
so she would fall in!
And a hungry crocodile
would come along...
( phone rings )
Hello.
Unger. Rudy Mandell.
How you doing, man?
Listen, I'm really on a bummer.
I'm stuck in Canada
and my photographer
copped out on me.
Now, can you catch
Canadian flight 306 to Quebec?
For what?
To do a cover for
Lifestyle Publications.
Wow!
I left a ticket for
you at the airport.
The plane leaves in 68 minutes.
Tonight? You couldn't
have called a little later?
Unger! This is a
fast-paced, happening world.
There are no
time for formalities.
Why do you think advertising
has accepted me
in such a big way?
Because your father-in-law
owns the agency.
Yeah, but he knows his
daughter married a today guy.
Now, what do you say, Unger?
Will you take the job?
Look, if I'm going
to make that plane,
I've got things to
do... I've got to pack,
I've got to cancel
an appointment,
I have to buy cold pills.
Unger, you stick with me,
I will make you a giant
on Madison Avenue.
I'm where it's at and
I want you with me.
That's not exactly
where I want to be,
but for a Lifestyle
cover, I'll do it.
Oh, right on!
Right off!
( Odd Couple theme playing )
"Oscar, leaving for Canada...
( mumbling ): "Would you call...
"48 hours... Cancel
model for Thursday."
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Traffic on the East
River Drive was brought to a standstill
at the rush hour this
evening by a pet ocelot,
which was said to have escaped
from a Sutton Place townhouse.
The driver of the car
responsible for the pile-up
is threatening to sue
the owners of the ocelot...
( phone rings )
for whiplash and possession
of a dangerous animal.
( rings again )
( continues ringing )
Yeah.
Oh, hi, Vinnie.
Yeah, just a minute.
( yells ): Felix! For you.
Wait a minute, Vinnie.
Felix!
Oh! No, he's not.
No, his bed hasn't
been slept in.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe he got lucky.
Yeah. I'll tell him.
So long, Vinnie.
Go get 'em, Felix.
Hello? Hello?
Nothing.
Wouldn't you know it?
The phone is snowbound, too.
Boy, that's the topper.
I lost my wallet.
I was so rushed,
I left it at the
airline counter,
along with my toilet
articles, my cold pills.
You know, I once had
the Victor cold pill account.
But they fired me.
Said the ad campaign
was too far out.
I remember that ad.
The nude with the runny nose.
That was in questionable
taste, don't you think?
No. It was heavy.
Felix is right, it was
in questionable taste.
I know. I was the nude.
I thought you looked familiar!
Felix is missing?
He can't be,
I just dealt him in.
Just like that, huh?
He's been gone since Wednesday
night, no phone calls, nothing.
That's why I'm waiting
for Murray to get here.
Come on, sit down, Oscar.
We can play without Murray.
Speed, for goodness
sakes, didn't you hear?
Felix is missing.
Yeah, so we can play with four.
Look, what do you want
to bet he shows up tonight.
All I have to do is
deal him a hand,
he'll show up.
Speed, somebody deals
a hand, you show up.
But it happens Felix is
the one that's missing.
What about work?
Hasn't he been to work?
That's what worries me.
One of his models
called me up today,
told me she had an appointment
with him and he didn't show up.
Now Felix never
misses an appointment!
Especially with a model.
Are you guys gonna play poker?
Speed, will you
hold it a minute?
This is the last time
I'm playing poker
at a missing persons bureau.
It's not like Felix
to drop out of sight.
Drop out of sight.
Oscar!
Remember that time...
The night his wife
walked out on him?
And he got out on the
ledge and was going to jump!
You don't think...?
Down on the street,
with all that litter?
Felix wouldn't jump down there.
Yeah, Felix would
do it in a cleaner way.
Anybody beat aces?
What makes you guys
think he committed suicide?
Felix didn't commit suicide.
I'm gonna take the pot.
Take the pot, it's your
money! Take the pot!
Oscar, how do you know
he didn't commit suicide?
All right!
All right, that proves it.
You satisfied? Felix
didn't commit suicide.
It's a black suit,
what does that prove?
Felix always
wears his black suit
for formal functions
like funerals,
weddings and suicides.
Well, here we are
under the worst
possible conditions.
We're snowbound, no
phone, no wallet, he's here.
Let's have fun!
You know, there must be
ten feet of snow out there.
We're really snowbound.
I just don't believe
it... Snowbound.
MANDELL: This is
really getting me uptight.
Look, I have got people to see,
and deals to make.
We could be trapped
up here a week,
away from everything
that's happening.
By the time we get back,
you won't be happening.
Felix, are you saying
we're all going to
be trapped in here?
Yes, that's exactly
what he's saying.
My father-in-law will
not understand this.
When I get back,
I'll probably find my
desk in the mailroom.
MODEL: I just don't believe it.
Snowbound.
Well, we have plenty of food,
but we're almost
out of firewood.
We've got brandy!
That's a great warmer-upper!
All right, freeze.
I haven't said
anything up till now.
I think now it's serious.
We will not be able
to shoot this layout.
Oh, of course we will.
We'll shoot it in here.
We'll pose the girls
around the fireplace
in front of the window...
We'll call the
layout "Snowbound."
Snowbound.
Unger! That's now thinking.
Go, now, in the other room.
Watch Sesame Street.
I don't think there's a TV.
Pretend.
Oh. Can I watch...?
Well, I can watch
anything I want.
I don't have to ask you.
What are we going to do
when the brandy and
firewood are gone?
There's always the
old Eskimo custom
of huddling close
together for warmth.
Maybe we ought to
practice the Eskimo thing now
in case, we have
to, uh... do it tonight.
That's now thinking.
( chuckles )
Besides, if Felix
was going to end it all,
he'd leave a note, neatly
typed and in three volumes.
He leaves a note when
he goes to empty the trash.
Hey, my wife always
leaves a note for me
in the refrigerator
on top of the six pack.
All right, we'll try it.
SPEED: Oscar!
In a minute.
I can't believe it.
What?
There's no beer.
And no note, either.
Here, here, I found
it. Here's a note.
Let me see, let me see.
"Pick up some tuna, cheese
and a six pack of beer."
Done! I finally won one.
Do you believe this man?
What about your bedroom?
Nah, Felix never
goes into my bedroom.
It makes him sick.
He could have left
a note on your pillow.
I'm telling you, he didn't
leave a note on my...
I tell you, there's
nothing in here.
Nothing here?
It looks like Wall Street
after a ticker tape parade.
I've been so
worried about Felix,
I haven't had a
chance to clean up.
Hey, hey, what's this?
I think I found it.
Let me see.
Hey!
"Oscar, this is the end.
"We're finished.
"I can't stand it another
second, picking up after you,
"your running around,
your coarse, loud-mouthed
poker-playing friends..."
BOTH: Coarse?!
"By the time you read
this, I'll be in Reno."
Reno?
This isn't from Felix,
it's from my ex-wife.
What do you know?
Blanche left me a note
when she walked out on me.
Oscar, she walked out
on you two years ago.
Yeah, I didn't even
know she could write.
Look, I told you Felix
didn't leave a note here.
Bet.
Bet, bet, bet your brains out.
Have you checked
with the police?
I'm waiting for
Murray to get here.
You think Murray
is missing, too?
Will you guys stop
playing Dick Tracy
and let's play poker?
Speed, I don't believe you.
You'd miss your own funeral
to play poker.
Just bury me with openers.
Murray.
Hey!
Hi! Listen, I want
to talk to you.
Hold it a minute, Oscar.
Felix isn't here, right?
That's what we want
to talk to you about.
I know. How could you know?
I've had a lot of
tough assignments
since I've been on the force,
but this is the toughest.
Guys?
Men... I don't know
how to say this.
Say what?!
I got a car downstairs.
I want all of you to
come downtown with me.
What for?
To identify Felix.
Identify Felix? I
can identify him...
A nice-looking guy
a pain in the neck
about cleaning up, but...
Oscar, this is no joking matter!
Why are you so upset?
He's in the morgue.
Felix?
It's Felix's wallet, all right.
That was once the picture
of his ex-wife and his ex-dog.
And his credit cards.
Cards?
Oh, credit cards.
You're sure?
Oh, I'd know Felix's
wallet anyplace,
without the dogs,
without the ex-wives...
Yeah, how would you know that?
'Cause his name is
stamped in gold there.
Oh, you're right.
It's your Unger's wallet.
Uh, let's see the body.
( moaning )
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Vinnie?
What is it?
Vinnie, come on, boy.
You know, he
looked like a fainter.
Better get him out of here.
I don't think he can take it.
He'll be okay.
Man of iron.
( mumbles ): I knew
he couldn't take it.
Clean one, all right.
You hear that, Roy? Clean.
That's Felix.
That's Felix?!
They found him in the river.
It changes people.
I don't care, that's not Fe...
How long was he in the water?
Last night. Possibly
Thursday morning.
I don't care how long
he was in the water,
I tell you, that's not Felix!
Poor Felix.
Your little heart
is pounding away.
( giggles )
It's hard to believe.
He laid out his last buffet.
That's him! That's him!
That's Sam, all right.
Poor Sam.
He looks so peaceful.
Like he was lying on a bench
sleeping it off.
You see, a reliable source
agrees with me that's not Felix.
But he had Felix's wallet!
He was my best friend.
How long did you know him?
Since about 12:00 last night.
Where'd he get Unger's wallet?
I never saw that before.
Then why did you push
your friend Sam in the river?
Who, me?
Now why would I do that?
He had the wine.
We were pals.
We were gonna open
a business together.
Cassettes.
Take him up.
I want to find out what he knows
about this Sam character.
And you, all of you.
Let's go upstairs.
I want a few answers from you.
To what questions?
Like where's Felix Unger?
That's a good question.
What are we doing here?
This is crazy,
we're wasting time.
We should be out
looking for Felix!
All of you, sit down here.
Murray.
Over here.
Hey, Sarge, you
don't happen to have
an extra deck of
cards around, do you?
Speed. This is headquarters,
downtown.
Thanks.
See, he gives me
a deck of cards,
you give me the address...
That's why he's a sergeant.
Don't be nervous.
VINNIE: I'm not
nervous, I'm cold.
You knew Unger
pretty well, didn't you?
Uh... yes.
We used to go over
to his house to play...
to play... Poker, right?
I know all about
your weekly game.
Murray told me.
Why do you think
he was in your game?
'Cause I didn't
want him in mine.
Till I get my promotion.
Right, Sarge?
We'll see.
Did he have any enemies?
Who?
Unger!
Felix?
That's who we're talking about.
No one ever threatened him?
Felix?
Oh-oh, no.
Oh, well, uh... Someone
did threaten him?
Felix?!
Well, not really.
Suppose you
tell me all about it.
Yeah, tell us, Vin.
Who threatened him?
W-well, it was, uh, just
a couple of days, uh,
after Felix moved
into Oscar's apartment.
Let's see... I had
just gotten there.
Hi, anybody home?
Hi, Vinnie, come on in.
Hi, Felix. Hey,
does that stuff work?
Very efficient.
Hi, Oscar.
Hey! You notice anything?
What happened to the wall?
I scrubbed it.
What do you mean,
you scrubbed it?
It was filthy.
It was a mess...
Especially right over
here near the phone.
Felix, that was not a mess,
those were my hot numbers!
This is no place
to put them down.
Well, some people
have little black books,
but you could lose
little black books.
I never thought I
could lose a wall!
You scrubbed out Loretta
and Shirley and Marie...
Keep your hands off there!
Felix, I could kill you!
"Felix, I could kill you!"?
Wait a minute.
Vinnie, you make it sound
like I was sore at Felix.
You were.
Yeah, but tell him
we made up later.
They made up later.
Yeah and tell him
what good friends we
are, in spite our fights.
They're good
friends in spite of...
Quit leading the
witness, Madison!
Sit down, I'm running
this show... now!
Better sit down, Oscar.
Oh, I'll remember
this, Judas, oh...
( mumbling )
Copper.
What about you?
You ever hear anyone
threaten Unger?
Come to think of it.
One of the guys
did threaten Felix.
But Oscar didn't mean it.
"Oscar didn't mean it"?
Sit down, Madison.
But... Now!
Tell your story and
don't be intimidated.
Well, I know those two guys
like I know a ledger sheet.
And they balance each other.
One night, after
the game was over...
SPEED: What time is it, Vin?
Quarter to 12:00
Why are we quitting so early?
Felix, did you see the piece of
paper I had next to the pickle?
The score sheet?
Yeah, I need it to settle up.
I'm the big winner this week.
No, you're not, I am.
This is the first time
I've won in six weeks!
You're out of your mind.
I won every other pot.
You telling me now
that I'm not the winner?
Speed's right.
Besides, I threw it away.
You threw it away? Why?
Because it was
green with pickle juice.
To you that was pickle juice,
to me it was money!
Well, who needs it? I
remember who took what.
I don't trust your
memory. Now, where is it?
I threw it down the trash chute.
And that's when Madison
wanted to kill Unger, hmm?
No, no, it wasn't
until after he ran
down to the basement
and dug through all that garbage
and found the paper.
Felix remembered
everything exactly right.
Speed was the big
winner, Oscar the loser.
That's right, Murray.
It was an honest mistake.
I've heard that one before.
Inspector Flanigan, you're
a poker player, aren't you?
Wouldn't you be furious
if somebody threw
away the score sheet?
Maybe. But I don't think
I'd threaten to murder him.
I didn't... Sit down, Madison.
Oscar, do what he says.
What about you?
You ever hear Madison
threaten to kill Unger?
No, I never heard him
threaten to kill Felix.
All I heard was Oscar once
was threaten to
break Felix's neck.
Which has been proven
by medical authorities
not to be fatal...
in some cases.
Thanks a lot, Speed.
Tell me what you
remember about the incident.
Better tell him, Speed.
Yeah. Go on, bury me.
Let's see.
It was during one of our regular
friendly games, you know?
( phone rings )
Come on, Roy! How many cards?
I'm just trying to
decide what to do.
Hello?
Just a moment, please.
Oscar, it's for you.
I'm busy.
( whispers ): It's a girl.
Take my hand, will you?
Okay, I think I'll take three.
Three.
Cards?
FELIX: Hmm.
Felix, you can't
draw five cards.
I know that.
( laughing )
FELIX: I'll take one.
SPEED: Dealer takes two.
Call you right back.
Felix, what did you do?
Well, I, I...
You broke up a pair of kings
to draw to an inside straight?
I remember that.
And he drew another king.
I could have killed him!
This is a frame-up.
I'm being framed by myself.
And my ex-best friends.
I don't believe it!
All right, I've heard enough.
So have I, this
is the craziest...
Hold it right there,
Madison, not another word.
You needn't make any
statement or answer any questions
without your lawyer present.
Thank you, but they
didn't ask for their lawyers.
They didn't need one.
Needless to say, Madison,
you're my prime
suspect in the case.
Would it be unconstitutional
to ask what case?
All you have so
far is a wet wallet!
At this point, who knows?
Missing person, kidnapping,
maybe even murder.
Murder?
But it wasn't Felix down there.
You can't hold me for that!
Well, it can't be too serious.
He didn't ask me
not to leave town.
Madison! Don't leave town.
( mumbles )
Boy, you guys did it to me, huh?
When a guy's got
friends like you,
he also needs a
very good lawyer!
Look, you were always saying
things like that, weren't you?
I mean, we told the sergeant
you didn't mean a word of it.
Didn't we?
Oh, that made
all the difference.
Thanks, Roy.
You know it, it
makes a difference
between first-degree
and third-degree murder.
If Truman Capote
would write this,
it'd be a best-seller.
It's hard to believe
Felix is really gone.
Felix isn't gone!
I mean, yes, he's gone,
but he's not really gone.
I don't know what I mean.
Come on, everybody,
let's play a few hands, huh?
Listen to that!
How can he think of
cards at a time like this?
You should be thinking of Felix!
I am thinking of Felix.
This could be a
memorial poker game.
What are you doing?
It's in Felix's memory.
Put it down!
You shouldn't always
have been saying
you were gonna kill him.
That was wrong.
It's an expression!
I'd have to be crazy
to mean a thing like that!
Hey! I got a great idea.
What's a great idea?
Temporary insanity.
You better sit down.
Don't think I forgot, Judas.
Hey, the winners could
chip in for Oscar's lawyer.
Oscar doesn't need a lawyer!
'Cause Felix isn't dead...
He's missing, that's all!
I don't want to hear
about it anymore.
I don't even want to hear
his name mentioned anymore.
Remember that funny
sound that Felix used to make
when he tried to clear his ears?
Yeah.
I can almost hear it now.
( nasal moaning )
I did hear it!
So did I.
I wonder what causes that?
Mass hypnosis
brought on by grief.
( louder nasal moaning )
That's not mass hypnosis
brought on by grief,
that's... ALL: Felix!
I knew it was him!
They were right.
I thought I heard
voices out here.
Felix, we were worried sick!
We thought you were dead!
Oh, I am. I really am dead.
Absolutely exhausted!
Felix, where have you been?
What have you been
doing? What happened?
Where haven't I been?
What haven't I been doing?
What didn't happen?
Felix, answer...
I lost my wallet,
I lost my nasal spray...
Didn't you get my note?
What note?
You didn't leave a note!
We looked high and
low, we couldn't find...
I left you a note
on your bed table.
I better call in
and tell them we
found the body...
Alive and honking.
Don't tell me I didn't
leave you a note.
Felix, you got this out of
your bedroom, not mine.
It's my file copy.
Your file...?
Murray...
I'll give you $200 for your gun.
Hi. Sorry I'm late,
but the meeting with Lifestyle
ran longer than I expected.
That's okay.
At least you called.
Well, if I missed you,
I was gonna leave a
message at the morgue.
Oh, that's very funny.
Look at these pictures.
Wow!
These the ones you
shot for the magazine?
Yeah, look at the style.
Look at this one.
See how I used the
snow as a backdrop?
Yeah, that's some backdrop.
What are their names, Felix?
Priscilla and Jeannie.
( whistles )
Can you ever forgive me?
For what?
For trying to find you.
in your buttonhole?
Yeah, you like it?
Yeah, but aren't you afraid
the jacket'll wilt the flower?
What are you talking about?
I just got it cleaned.
You should have had it
pressed while you were at it.
What are you doing
in your pajamas?
I thought you had a
date with Geraldine.
Geraldine and I had a tiff.
We are no more.
Oh, a tiff, huh?
Took her to a cocktail
party last night,
I ended up taking
another girl home.
Why'd you do that?
Because she put a
lampshade on her head...
She can't handle her liquor.
Hey, what's Geraldine's
phone number?
Oh, come on.
Oh, I'm only kidding.
I got a date with
Gwen Pigeon tonight.
When she drinks,
she gets frisky.
Have fun.
I will.
Oh, come on, call
Geraldine, will you?
Lampshades aren't so bad.
When my ex-wife used
to have too much to drink,
she'd put on her ballet
shoes and do Swan Lake.
How I used to
pray for a real lake,
so she would fall in!
And a hungry crocodile
would come along...
( phone rings )
Hello.
Unger. Rudy Mandell.
How you doing, man?
Listen, I'm really on a bummer.
I'm stuck in Canada
and my photographer
copped out on me.
Now, can you catch
Canadian flight 306 to Quebec?
For what?
To do a cover for
Lifestyle Publications.
Wow!
I left a ticket for
you at the airport.
The plane leaves in 68 minutes.
Tonight? You couldn't
have called a little later?
Unger! This is a
fast-paced, happening world.
There are no
time for formalities.
Why do you think advertising
has accepted me
in such a big way?
Because your father-in-law
owns the agency.
Yeah, but he knows his
daughter married a today guy.
Now, what do you say, Unger?
Will you take the job?
Look, if I'm going
to make that plane,
I've got things to
do... I've got to pack,
I've got to cancel
an appointment,
I have to buy cold pills.
Unger, you stick with me,
I will make you a giant
on Madison Avenue.
I'm where it's at and
I want you with me.
That's not exactly
where I want to be,
but for a Lifestyle
cover, I'll do it.
Oh, right on!
Right off!
( Odd Couple theme playing )
"Oscar, leaving for Canada...
( mumbling ): "Would you call...
"48 hours... Cancel
model for Thursday."
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Traffic on the East
River Drive was brought to a standstill
at the rush hour this
evening by a pet ocelot,
which was said to have escaped
from a Sutton Place townhouse.
The driver of the car
responsible for the pile-up
is threatening to sue
the owners of the ocelot...
( phone rings )
for whiplash and possession
of a dangerous animal.
( rings again )
( continues ringing )
Yeah.
Oh, hi, Vinnie.
Yeah, just a minute.
( yells ): Felix! For you.
Wait a minute, Vinnie.
Felix!
Oh! No, he's not.
No, his bed hasn't
been slept in.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe he got lucky.
Yeah. I'll tell him.
So long, Vinnie.
Go get 'em, Felix.
Hello? Hello?
Nothing.
Wouldn't you know it?
The phone is snowbound, too.
Boy, that's the topper.
I lost my wallet.
I was so rushed,
I left it at the
airline counter,
along with my toilet
articles, my cold pills.
You know, I once had
the Victor cold pill account.
But they fired me.
Said the ad campaign
was too far out.
I remember that ad.
The nude with the runny nose.
That was in questionable
taste, don't you think?
No. It was heavy.
Felix is right, it was
in questionable taste.
I know. I was the nude.
I thought you looked familiar!
Felix is missing?
He can't be,
I just dealt him in.
Just like that, huh?
He's been gone since Wednesday
night, no phone calls, nothing.
That's why I'm waiting
for Murray to get here.
Come on, sit down, Oscar.
We can play without Murray.
Speed, for goodness
sakes, didn't you hear?
Felix is missing.
Yeah, so we can play with four.
Look, what do you want
to bet he shows up tonight.
All I have to do is
deal him a hand,
he'll show up.
Speed, somebody deals
a hand, you show up.
But it happens Felix is
the one that's missing.
What about work?
Hasn't he been to work?
That's what worries me.
One of his models
called me up today,
told me she had an appointment
with him and he didn't show up.
Now Felix never
misses an appointment!
Especially with a model.
Are you guys gonna play poker?
Speed, will you
hold it a minute?
This is the last time
I'm playing poker
at a missing persons bureau.
It's not like Felix
to drop out of sight.
Drop out of sight.
Oscar!
Remember that time...
The night his wife
walked out on him?
And he got out on the
ledge and was going to jump!
You don't think...?
Down on the street,
with all that litter?
Felix wouldn't jump down there.
Yeah, Felix would
do it in a cleaner way.
Anybody beat aces?
What makes you guys
think he committed suicide?
Felix didn't commit suicide.
I'm gonna take the pot.
Take the pot, it's your
money! Take the pot!
Oscar, how do you know
he didn't commit suicide?
All right!
All right, that proves it.
You satisfied? Felix
didn't commit suicide.
It's a black suit,
what does that prove?
Felix always
wears his black suit
for formal functions
like funerals,
weddings and suicides.
Well, here we are
under the worst
possible conditions.
We're snowbound, no
phone, no wallet, he's here.
Let's have fun!
You know, there must be
ten feet of snow out there.
We're really snowbound.
I just don't believe
it... Snowbound.
MANDELL: This is
really getting me uptight.
Look, I have got people to see,
and deals to make.
We could be trapped
up here a week,
away from everything
that's happening.
By the time we get back,
you won't be happening.
Felix, are you saying
we're all going to
be trapped in here?
Yes, that's exactly
what he's saying.
My father-in-law will
not understand this.
When I get back,
I'll probably find my
desk in the mailroom.
MODEL: I just don't believe it.
Snowbound.
Well, we have plenty of food,
but we're almost
out of firewood.
We've got brandy!
That's a great warmer-upper!
All right, freeze.
I haven't said
anything up till now.
I think now it's serious.
We will not be able
to shoot this layout.
Oh, of course we will.
We'll shoot it in here.
We'll pose the girls
around the fireplace
in front of the window...
We'll call the
layout "Snowbound."
Snowbound.
Unger! That's now thinking.
Go, now, in the other room.
Watch Sesame Street.
I don't think there's a TV.
Pretend.
Oh. Can I watch...?
Well, I can watch
anything I want.
I don't have to ask you.
What are we going to do
when the brandy and
firewood are gone?
There's always the
old Eskimo custom
of huddling close
together for warmth.
Maybe we ought to
practice the Eskimo thing now
in case, we have
to, uh... do it tonight.
That's now thinking.
( chuckles )
Besides, if Felix
was going to end it all,
he'd leave a note, neatly
typed and in three volumes.
He leaves a note when
he goes to empty the trash.
Hey, my wife always
leaves a note for me
in the refrigerator
on top of the six pack.
All right, we'll try it.
SPEED: Oscar!
In a minute.
I can't believe it.
What?
There's no beer.
And no note, either.
Here, here, I found
it. Here's a note.
Let me see, let me see.
"Pick up some tuna, cheese
and a six pack of beer."
Done! I finally won one.
Do you believe this man?
What about your bedroom?
Nah, Felix never
goes into my bedroom.
It makes him sick.
He could have left
a note on your pillow.
I'm telling you, he didn't
leave a note on my...
I tell you, there's
nothing in here.
Nothing here?
It looks like Wall Street
after a ticker tape parade.
I've been so
worried about Felix,
I haven't had a
chance to clean up.
Hey, hey, what's this?
I think I found it.
Let me see.
Hey!
"Oscar, this is the end.
"We're finished.
"I can't stand it another
second, picking up after you,
"your running around,
your coarse, loud-mouthed
poker-playing friends..."
BOTH: Coarse?!
"By the time you read
this, I'll be in Reno."
Reno?
This isn't from Felix,
it's from my ex-wife.
What do you know?
Blanche left me a note
when she walked out on me.
Oscar, she walked out
on you two years ago.
Yeah, I didn't even
know she could write.
Look, I told you Felix
didn't leave a note here.
Bet.
Bet, bet, bet your brains out.
Have you checked
with the police?
I'm waiting for
Murray to get here.
You think Murray
is missing, too?
Will you guys stop
playing Dick Tracy
and let's play poker?
Speed, I don't believe you.
You'd miss your own funeral
to play poker.
Just bury me with openers.
Murray.
Hey!
Hi! Listen, I want
to talk to you.
Hold it a minute, Oscar.
Felix isn't here, right?
That's what we want
to talk to you about.
I know. How could you know?
I've had a lot of
tough assignments
since I've been on the force,
but this is the toughest.
Guys?
Men... I don't know
how to say this.
Say what?!
I got a car downstairs.
I want all of you to
come downtown with me.
What for?
To identify Felix.
Identify Felix? I
can identify him...
A nice-looking guy
a pain in the neck
about cleaning up, but...
Oscar, this is no joking matter!
Why are you so upset?
He's in the morgue.
Felix?
It's Felix's wallet, all right.
That was once the picture
of his ex-wife and his ex-dog.
And his credit cards.
Cards?
Oh, credit cards.
You're sure?
Oh, I'd know Felix's
wallet anyplace,
without the dogs,
without the ex-wives...
Yeah, how would you know that?
'Cause his name is
stamped in gold there.
Oh, you're right.
It's your Unger's wallet.
Uh, let's see the body.
( moaning )
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Vinnie?
What is it?
Vinnie, come on, boy.
You know, he
looked like a fainter.
Better get him out of here.
I don't think he can take it.
He'll be okay.
Man of iron.
( mumbles ): I knew
he couldn't take it.
Clean one, all right.
You hear that, Roy? Clean.
That's Felix.
That's Felix?!
They found him in the river.
It changes people.
I don't care, that's not Fe...
How long was he in the water?
Last night. Possibly
Thursday morning.
I don't care how long
he was in the water,
I tell you, that's not Felix!
Poor Felix.
Your little heart
is pounding away.
( giggles )
It's hard to believe.
He laid out his last buffet.
That's him! That's him!
That's Sam, all right.
Poor Sam.
He looks so peaceful.
Like he was lying on a bench
sleeping it off.
You see, a reliable source
agrees with me that's not Felix.
But he had Felix's wallet!
He was my best friend.
How long did you know him?
Since about 12:00 last night.
Where'd he get Unger's wallet?
I never saw that before.
Then why did you push
your friend Sam in the river?
Who, me?
Now why would I do that?
He had the wine.
We were pals.
We were gonna open
a business together.
Cassettes.
Take him up.
I want to find out what he knows
about this Sam character.
And you, all of you.
Let's go upstairs.
I want a few answers from you.
To what questions?
Like where's Felix Unger?
That's a good question.
What are we doing here?
This is crazy,
we're wasting time.
We should be out
looking for Felix!
All of you, sit down here.
Murray.
Over here.
Hey, Sarge, you
don't happen to have
an extra deck of
cards around, do you?
Speed. This is headquarters,
downtown.
Thanks.
See, he gives me
a deck of cards,
you give me the address...
That's why he's a sergeant.
Don't be nervous.
VINNIE: I'm not
nervous, I'm cold.
You knew Unger
pretty well, didn't you?
Uh... yes.
We used to go over
to his house to play...
to play... Poker, right?
I know all about
your weekly game.
Murray told me.
Why do you think
he was in your game?
'Cause I didn't
want him in mine.
Till I get my promotion.
Right, Sarge?
We'll see.
Did he have any enemies?
Who?
Unger!
Felix?
That's who we're talking about.
No one ever threatened him?
Felix?
Oh-oh, no.
Oh, well, uh... Someone
did threaten him?
Felix?!
Well, not really.
Suppose you
tell me all about it.
Yeah, tell us, Vin.
Who threatened him?
W-well, it was, uh, just
a couple of days, uh,
after Felix moved
into Oscar's apartment.
Let's see... I had
just gotten there.
Hi, anybody home?
Hi, Vinnie, come on in.
Hi, Felix. Hey,
does that stuff work?
Very efficient.
Hi, Oscar.
Hey! You notice anything?
What happened to the wall?
I scrubbed it.
What do you mean,
you scrubbed it?
It was filthy.
It was a mess...
Especially right over
here near the phone.
Felix, that was not a mess,
those were my hot numbers!
This is no place
to put them down.
Well, some people
have little black books,
but you could lose
little black books.
I never thought I
could lose a wall!
You scrubbed out Loretta
and Shirley and Marie...
Keep your hands off there!
Felix, I could kill you!
"Felix, I could kill you!"?
Wait a minute.
Vinnie, you make it sound
like I was sore at Felix.
You were.
Yeah, but tell him
we made up later.
They made up later.
Yeah and tell him
what good friends we
are, in spite our fights.
They're good
friends in spite of...
Quit leading the
witness, Madison!
Sit down, I'm running
this show... now!
Better sit down, Oscar.
Oh, I'll remember
this, Judas, oh...
( mumbling )
Copper.
What about you?
You ever hear anyone
threaten Unger?
Come to think of it.
One of the guys
did threaten Felix.
But Oscar didn't mean it.
"Oscar didn't mean it"?
Sit down, Madison.
But... Now!
Tell your story and
don't be intimidated.
Well, I know those two guys
like I know a ledger sheet.
And they balance each other.
One night, after
the game was over...
SPEED: What time is it, Vin?
Quarter to 12:00
Why are we quitting so early?
Felix, did you see the piece of
paper I had next to the pickle?
The score sheet?
Yeah, I need it to settle up.
I'm the big winner this week.
No, you're not, I am.
This is the first time
I've won in six weeks!
You're out of your mind.
I won every other pot.
You telling me now
that I'm not the winner?
Speed's right.
Besides, I threw it away.
You threw it away? Why?
Because it was
green with pickle juice.
To you that was pickle juice,
to me it was money!
Well, who needs it? I
remember who took what.
I don't trust your
memory. Now, where is it?
I threw it down the trash chute.
And that's when Madison
wanted to kill Unger, hmm?
No, no, it wasn't
until after he ran
down to the basement
and dug through all that garbage
and found the paper.
Felix remembered
everything exactly right.
Speed was the big
winner, Oscar the loser.
That's right, Murray.
It was an honest mistake.
I've heard that one before.
Inspector Flanigan, you're
a poker player, aren't you?
Wouldn't you be furious
if somebody threw
away the score sheet?
Maybe. But I don't think
I'd threaten to murder him.
I didn't... Sit down, Madison.
Oscar, do what he says.
What about you?
You ever hear Madison
threaten to kill Unger?
No, I never heard him
threaten to kill Felix.
All I heard was Oscar once
was threaten to
break Felix's neck.
Which has been proven
by medical authorities
not to be fatal...
in some cases.
Thanks a lot, Speed.
Tell me what you
remember about the incident.
Better tell him, Speed.
Yeah. Go on, bury me.
Let's see.
It was during one of our regular
friendly games, you know?
( phone rings )
Come on, Roy! How many cards?
I'm just trying to
decide what to do.
Hello?
Just a moment, please.
Oscar, it's for you.
I'm busy.
( whispers ): It's a girl.
Take my hand, will you?
Okay, I think I'll take three.
Three.
Cards?
FELIX: Hmm.
Felix, you can't
draw five cards.
I know that.
( laughing )
FELIX: I'll take one.
SPEED: Dealer takes two.
Call you right back.
Felix, what did you do?
Well, I, I...
You broke up a pair of kings
to draw to an inside straight?
I remember that.
And he drew another king.
I could have killed him!
This is a frame-up.
I'm being framed by myself.
And my ex-best friends.
I don't believe it!
All right, I've heard enough.
So have I, this
is the craziest...
Hold it right there,
Madison, not another word.
You needn't make any
statement or answer any questions
without your lawyer present.
Thank you, but they
didn't ask for their lawyers.
They didn't need one.
Needless to say, Madison,
you're my prime
suspect in the case.
Would it be unconstitutional
to ask what case?
All you have so
far is a wet wallet!
At this point, who knows?
Missing person, kidnapping,
maybe even murder.
Murder?
But it wasn't Felix down there.
You can't hold me for that!
Well, it can't be too serious.
He didn't ask me
not to leave town.
Madison! Don't leave town.
( mumbles )
Boy, you guys did it to me, huh?
When a guy's got
friends like you,
he also needs a
very good lawyer!
Look, you were always saying
things like that, weren't you?
I mean, we told the sergeant
you didn't mean a word of it.
Didn't we?
Oh, that made
all the difference.
Thanks, Roy.
You know it, it
makes a difference
between first-degree
and third-degree murder.
If Truman Capote
would write this,
it'd be a best-seller.
It's hard to believe
Felix is really gone.
Felix isn't gone!
I mean, yes, he's gone,
but he's not really gone.
I don't know what I mean.
Come on, everybody,
let's play a few hands, huh?
Listen to that!
How can he think of
cards at a time like this?
You should be thinking of Felix!
I am thinking of Felix.
This could be a
memorial poker game.
What are you doing?
It's in Felix's memory.
Put it down!
You shouldn't always
have been saying
you were gonna kill him.
That was wrong.
It's an expression!
I'd have to be crazy
to mean a thing like that!
Hey! I got a great idea.
What's a great idea?
Temporary insanity.
You better sit down.
Don't think I forgot, Judas.
Hey, the winners could
chip in for Oscar's lawyer.
Oscar doesn't need a lawyer!
'Cause Felix isn't dead...
He's missing, that's all!
I don't want to hear
about it anymore.
I don't even want to hear
his name mentioned anymore.
Remember that funny
sound that Felix used to make
when he tried to clear his ears?
Yeah.
I can almost hear it now.
( nasal moaning )
I did hear it!
So did I.
I wonder what causes that?
Mass hypnosis
brought on by grief.
( louder nasal moaning )
That's not mass hypnosis
brought on by grief,
that's... ALL: Felix!
I knew it was him!
They were right.
I thought I heard
voices out here.
Felix, we were worried sick!
We thought you were dead!
Oh, I am. I really am dead.
Absolutely exhausted!
Felix, where have you been?
What have you been
doing? What happened?
Where haven't I been?
What haven't I been doing?
What didn't happen?
Felix, answer...
I lost my wallet,
I lost my nasal spray...
Didn't you get my note?
What note?
You didn't leave a note!
We looked high and
low, we couldn't find...
I left you a note
on your bed table.
I better call in
and tell them we
found the body...
Alive and honking.
Don't tell me I didn't
leave you a note.
Felix, you got this out of
your bedroom, not mine.
It's my file copy.
Your file...?
Murray...
I'll give you $200 for your gun.
Hi. Sorry I'm late,
but the meeting with Lifestyle
ran longer than I expected.
That's okay.
At least you called.
Well, if I missed you,
I was gonna leave a
message at the morgue.
Oh, that's very funny.
Look at these pictures.
Wow!
These the ones you
shot for the magazine?
Yeah, look at the style.
Look at this one.
See how I used the
snow as a backdrop?
Yeah, that's some backdrop.
What are their names, Felix?
Priscilla and Jeannie.
( whistles )
Can you ever forgive me?
For what?
For trying to find you.