The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 12 - Scrooge Gets an Oscar - full transcript

You in this game,
Vinnie, or not?

Yeah, I'm in.

Put in!

Gee, Oscar, please,
ooh, take it easy.

Boy, you been nasty,
screaming all evening.

Well, I'm sorry, fellas,

but you know how the
holiday season depresses me.

Oscar, just because
you and your ex-wife

were married on
December 25, is no reason

to hate Christmas.

Well, it's a pretty
good start though, huh?



You want another
reason why I'm so jolly?

Blanche and that guy she was
all set to marry, they broke up.

You mean she and
that retired general split?

Yeah.

Wow, what happened?

Last weekend, she took
him home to meet her folks.

Monday morning, he
put his uniform back on

and he volunteered
for combat duty.

( all laugh but Oscar )

That's very funny?

Very funny, the alimony goes up.

Don't talk to me about
Christmas, will ya?

All that sticky, phony goodwill.

I'd like to get a
giant candy cane



and beat the wings off a
sugar plum fairy. I'm out.

Felix was right.

Oscar will make a perfect
Scrooge for our play.

He won't even have to act.

What, Murray, what?

It's for Murray's
police charity.

We're all doing Charles Dickens

Christmas Carol at the
Midtown Orphanage.

I'm all choked up.

Felix is directing

and he picked you to
be Ebenezer Scrooge.

Didn't he tell you about it?

Yeah, he told... Did he tell
you what I told him back?

FELIX: ♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪

ALL EXCEPT OSCAR: ♪
'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la... ♪

Gentlemen, partake
of Christmas cheer.

Felix Unger's homemade eggnog
and low-cal Christmas cookies.

Felix, you did it again!

I've never seen this before.

What is it, a
gingerbread octopus?

No, it's a reindeer
with antlers.

You're eating it upside down.

Oscar, have a cookie.

I have all the Christmas
colors, red, white, green.

You got any black cookies?

I like black cookies.

I'm not doing your dumb play.

Of course you are...
You're the perfect Scrooge.

I told you I'm not gonna do it!

I'm going to spend all my
time trying to find a love potion

that will make Blanche
fall in love with anybody.

Look, I pay alimony, too,

and I don't take it
out on all the guys.

Besides, it's deductible.

I've got nothing
to deduct it from!

You better be good,

or Santa isn't gonna
bring you anything.

Santa, are you kidding?

Santa wouldn't... If he
came down that chimney,

you'd have him
cleaned and pressed.

I'm not doing your dumb play.

Please, Oscar, the kids need

a Scrooge they can hate.

You'd be perfect.

Oh, you want hate, fellas?

Why didn't you... I'm
gonna give you hate.

I'm gonna give
you all kinds of hate.

( all yelling )

Don't tell me to hate hate.

Oh, you don't mean that.

You're sloppy,
but you're not cruel.

Don't test me, Felix.

Oscar, in these troubled times

what do the words
"Peace on earth

goodwill toward
men," mean to you?

They mean, Felix,
I've had you up to here.

I'm going to bed.

You can't, you've got
to help me trim the tree.

Take the tree with
you and trim it outside

because I'm throwing
you out, Felix.

That's your Christmas present.

It's snowing outside.

That's perfect for
you, it'll hide the dirt.

Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho...
That's our Scrooge.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

I think these belong to you.

If they're not stained,
crumpled or smelly,

they probably do.

Look, why don't you take
what you need for the night,

send for the rest tomorrow.

You're impossible to live with

at this time of year.

You said you wanted me
to leave and I'm leaving.

I presume that's the
way you still want it?

That's exactly
the way I want it.

Soon as I get my
overcoat and galoshes,

I'll trouble you no more.

Wait a minute, I
just threw you out.

Why are you giving me a gift?

It's your Christmas present.

Yeah, well, I don't want it.

Neither do I.

I got a gift for you,
too. It's under the sink.

Yes, I know, I found
it there last week.

What were you
doing under the sink?

Some people are known
to clean under there.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Good-bye forever, old buddy.

Peace on Earth.

After that speech, I thought
you'd leave by the chimney.

If anybody should
wish to contact me,

I'll either be at my studio
rehearsing the play,

or whatever hotel has a
vacancy this time of year.

Hold it, Felix.

Take this with you.

You know, I was wrong
to ask you to play Scrooge.

Next to you, he was a saint.

Aah, hope you get
mugged by an orphan.

Boy, that Charles
Dickens was sure a genius.

This is a wonderful play.

Yes, but without the right
person playing Scrooge,

it could be a bomb,
Don't you agree, Speed?

Hey, Speed?

He must love the writing.

Hey, come on.

Lolita and The Naked Pharmacist

Or Happiness Is A Hot Drugstore

It got terrific reviews, really.

Besides, I read this
Dickens story. Let me have it.

Hey, Murray, where you been?

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Some wino got tangled up

in a Christmas display window.

We booked him on a
charge of assaulting an elf.

( chuckles )

Hey, where's Felix?

He's back there, pacing.

You know him, he
always gets so involved.

Yeah, well, he'd better
really get involved in this play,

'cause without Oscar playing
Scrooge, we're in deep trouble.

FELIX: No, we're not.

We don't need Oscar
Madison to make this show a hit.

The theater is a
collaborative effort,

not a vehicle for the
talents of an individual.

Orson Welles said that.

Fellas, if we pull together,

we can make this
a heck of a show.

Yeah, let's all work hard.

I want to invite the
police commissioner.

But, Felix, you make
it sound so serious.

It's only a little
play for kids.

Oh, if that's your
attitude, forget it.

I mean, why do you
have me to direct it?

Let, let Speed direct it.

ROY: Come on, Felix.

We want you, Felix.

But wouldn't it be better
if Oscar played Scrooge?

No, Oscar said he doesn't
want to play the part.

I, for one, refuse to beg him.

We'll find somebody
else to play the part.

Roy, read for the part.

Oh, j...

Felix, I can't play Scr...

Trust me. I don't have the...

Trust me. Read. But...

( stiffly ): "Christmas...
bah... humbug.

"If I had me way,

"every fool that goes about
shouting 'Merry Christmas'

should be boiled
in a plum pudding..."

There are no small
parts, only small actors.

Remember that.

You're going to be
marvelous on the snow.

I guess that means
you were lousy.

Uh-uh-uh!

We've only
scratched the surface.

We'll find the right
man for the job.

Murray.

Felix... you want me
to try for Scrooge?

No, Murray, you're
too full of humanity.

Nobody would ever believe
you were a mean person.

Even if you kicked
a dog on the stage,

nobody would ever believe it.

I would never kick a dog, Felix.

I know that, Murray.

Directors sense these things.

Really?

You are Ebenezer Scrooge.

You hate everything
that is warm and decent,

because you've never
known warmth and decency.

Other people are having
the fun you should be having

and you despise them for it

and you'll make them pay.

Now read Scrooge!

( laughing wildly )

Christmas, huh?

Bah, humbug on Christmas!

Who needs it?

You fools, you pigs!

( laughs ) If I had me way,

I'd have you all
flogged, you hear?!

( laughing dementedly )

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Vinnie!

Vinnie... ( laughter stops )

Vinnie...

I-I guess I was pretty bad, huh?

Come on, sit down. Come on.

You have a... an
unusual gift, Vinnie.

If we ever do Scrooge
as an ax-murderer,

you've got the job.

Speed?

Hmm? It's your ball.

What do you want?

I want you to read.

Oh, read this? No,
Felix, I'd get embarrassed.

You're among friends,
Speed. Don't be coy, come on.

Come on, read.

Okay.

"Waldo the soda jerk

"took Lolita behind
the prescription counter.

"With him he brought a crutch,

"two thermometers
and a banana split to go."

Charles Dickens
never wrote that.

I didn't say he did.

Where it says "Scrooge," read.

Oh.

( quickly ): Christmas bah humbug
humbug I say if I had my way I would...

Thank you very much,
that's the first time

I've ever heard Scrooge
performed as an auctioneer.

You don't get the part.

VINNIE: I told you that.

Felix, we're in big trouble.

We'd better beg
Oscar to reconsider.

Nobody here can play Scrooge.

Not everyone here has
auditioned for the part.

Right, Felix hasn't
auditioned yet.

Yeah, I'll bet he can do it.

Fellas, I appreciate
your thinking of me, but...

I could, I could,
I could play it

but if I did, we wouldn't
have a show for the kids.

Somebody's got to be backstage

and run all the
technical things.

It's very difficult.

I can't do it.

I'd like to show you how it
ought to be done, though.

( melodramatically ):
Christmas? Bah, humbug!

If I had my way, every fool
that shouts "Merry Christmas"

"should be boiled
in a plum pudding

and buried with a sprig
of holly through his heart."

We'd better get Oscar, huh?

You're the only one
who can play the part.

Hey, Felix!

Speed: Felix, will you tell
Oscar he's the only one?

Gone 24 hours, and
already this lovely apartment

has reverted to a jungle.

Yep, the Board of Health

is going to take
away your gold star.

This is my apartment
and this is the way I like it!

I didn't come to bandy
words with you, Oscar.

FELIX: I'm here solely
on behalf of those children.

Hold it a minute,
will you, Felix?

I can't take a sob story
on an empty stomach.

Vinnie, would you get
up a minute, please?

You're sitting on the meat loaf.

Oscar, we need you for the play.

Now, what do you say? Come on.

No chance.

That spicy food will
bring back your ulcer.

You're not going to
sleep a wink tonight.

Oscar, maybe the reason
Christmas gets you down

is because you just
think about yourself.

But if you do the play for
those kids at the orphanage...

FELIX: Murray is making a
very solemn, psychological point.

If you would do
something for others,

you would find you were
doing something for yourself.

Oh, forget psychology, Oscar.

Look, it would be
just a nice thing to do.

Just plain nice.

( doorbell buzzing ) Especially
at Christmastime, Oscar.

I mean, It can be the loneliest
time of the year for a person

if he doesn't have a little
love in his heart. Yeah.

Fellas, I'd like
to help you out...

I feel for the kids,
I really like kids...

But I'm just not in
the mood, that's all.

Mr. Oscar Madison? Yeah.

You have a singing telegram.

Lay it on me, kid.
( clears throat )

( to tune of "God Rest
Ye, Merry Gentlemen" ):

♪ Season's greetings,
Oscar boy, my alimony's due ♪

♪ If you don't pay
up right away ♪

♪ I'll get the cops on you ♪

♪ And you'll spend
Christmas in the clink ♪

♪ With other bums like you. ♪

Signed, "Your former
wife, Blanche Madison."

You expect a tip
from me for that?

What tip? She sent it collect.

( laughing )

You were talking
about love in the heart?!

Aw, Oscar.. Oscar...

Come on, don't let a
couple of bad breaks

turn you against Christmas.

Don't give me any of that
Christmas jazz, Murray!

Now clear out, everybody!

I'm not going to do
the play, that's final.

All right, all right,
come on, come on.

Get out of here!
Let's go, let's go.

Merry Christmas,
sir. Everybody...

Get him out of here!

Stay out of his way.

He's dangerous
this time of year.

In case you don't recognize
him, that's Ebenezer Scrooge.

Oh, save your breath.

That's who you are...
The real Scrooge!

You'd better get out of here!

( door slammming ) Huh?!

( "Joy to the World"
playing in distance )

Bunch of bleeding
hearts, that's what they are.

Just because I'm realistic about
Christmas, they call me Scrooge.

I'd like to give 'em a...

What's that noise?

( music gets louder )

Hey, keep it down!

People are trying to rest!

I'm going to call the cops!

That's right!

( window slamming )

Look at this.

Look at this. Merry Christmas.

( huffing )

Bunch of bleeding hearts.

Oh, boy. Whoo...

( "Joy To The World"
continues playing in distance )

( remote clicking )

( "God Rest Ye, Merry
Gentlemen" plays on TV )

I don't think I should
have had that meat loaf.

Not after the chili
and liverwurst.

TV ANNOUNCER: For
tonight's television special,

we proudly present

Charles Dickens'
immortal Christmas Carol.

Sure, Christmas Carol
preempts the roller derby.

That figures for me, right?

That figures...
That really figures...

NARRATOR: Marley was
dead, dead as a doornail.

Of that, there was no doubt.

Yet before the night
was out, his apparition...

FELIX ( as Marley ):
my apparition will appear

terrify and change the
hated, crotchety, sloppy...

Ebenezer Madison.

Bah, humbug.

Christmas is humbug.

Ebenezer Madison...
( Marley screeching )

What was that?

Look at your television set.

( startled yell )

That's the lousiest
commercial I ever saw

MARLEY: Don't touch
that remote control device!

How'd you do that?

You will be haunted
tonight, Ebenezer Madison,

until the bitterness in
your heart is no more.

Haunteeeeeed... ( static )

Aah, it's just bad
reception, that's all.

Wait till that TV
repairman gets here,

I'm going to kick
him down the stairs!

Surprise! ( yells )

You're not really here.

I'm imagining it all.

It was all that
spicy food I ate.

You know, you're
nothing but a bad dream.

Wrong, Ebenezer.

Can a dream do this?

Look, pick a card, any card.

Oh, please, go away.

Ooooooooh... Come.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait, this is wrong.

I've read the story.

You're not really
Marley's ghost.

They couldn't get Marley.

It's his busy season.

Come, I'll show
you the first vision.

Are you crazy?
That's 12 floors down!

"Touch but my hand

and you will be upheld
in more than this."

Would I tamper with a classic?

Ooh! Oh! ( screaming )

I warned you, you nut!

Boy, that guy must be
some kind of dumb-dumb.

I tried to tell him.

Don't say a word. ( gasps )

We'll take an alternate route.

How? We'll take the elevator.

Come.

( "God Rest Ye, Merry
Gentlemen plays )

I think I saw this place in
a "Wolf Man" movie once.

I don't like it.

You think I like it?

Can you imagine what this
fog is doing to my sinuses.

( snuffles )

Aah!

Begone, fog, begone.

( shivers )

I'm shivering. Why
is it so cold here?

Because, Ebenezer Madison,

we are entering your
own coldhearted past.

Look back...

into your Christmas past...

"Dear Santy Claus:

"This Christmas I wanted a pony.

"That was the only
thing I asked for.

"Not a horsey,
just a little pony.

"I know Mommy and
Daddy said it was stupid

"to have a pony in
the Bronx, but I could...

( sniveling )

"I could...

"I-I could have kept
him in my bedroom.

"But Santy, you didn't
give me nothing. Just a...

"Just an old ugly rubber duck
here with a busted honker!

"So I hope your stupid reindeers
attack you, you fat creep!

Yours truly."

I don't want to see anymore.

Perhaps a look into
Christmas present

will change your mind.

Come along, dear Tiny Tim.

Come along.

And don't touch the snow.

You don't know where it's been.

I know that face.

But I can't place it.

Who is it?

Your clerk, Bob Cratchit.

What clerk? I don't
have any clerks.

Merry Christmas!

( shivers ) What a joy it is

to be home in one's
hovel on Christmas day.

Come in, Tiny Tim.

God bless us all, every one.

Good. Hold that thought.

Are you hungry, poor
teeny-tiny Timmy?

God bless us all, every one.

Of course, you're
delirious with hunger.

I best call my
other poor children.

( thud ) Careful, Tiny.

Don't bang the
furniture with the crutch.

God bless us all, every one.

Keep saying that, and someday
you'll grow up to be a cop.

Children, your father is home

with your tiny
brother, Tiny Tim.

If we weren't so poor,
I'd change your name.

Children, Dada is home.

Come quickly, come
quickly, everybody. Dada!

Will you wager or not?

I'm in for a shilling.

Merry Christmas, Tiny
Tim, my sad brother.

God bless us all, every one.

Ah, shut up, and
let's play cards.

Come on, let's play cards.

I've seen enough of
this weird garbage.

I'm going home.

I want to get a seltzer.

My ulcer's acting up.

Look... Boys, come close.

Let's huddle for warmth.

Oh, how lucky we are to be
together on this day of days.

Yeah, we're lots luckier
than Ebenezer Madison.

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo! Boo!

CRATCHIT: Boys, boys, for shame!

It's a good thing
your mother isn't here

to hear you talking that way.

Where is Mommy, Dada?

I don't know.

All I know is that I put the
alimony check in the mail,

and the government
does the rest.

God bless us all, every one.

Poor Tiny Tim.

I'd like to lend him some money
so he could have his nose fixed.

Think of what an empty
Christmas he must be having

with nobody to care about
him but a dumb rubber duck.

I know! Let's sing him

"A Christmas Carol"
by Charles Dickens.

I'm in for eight bars.

I'll see that and
raise you 12 bars.

God bless us all, every one.

CRATCHIT: Boys,
let's hear it now

for Ebenezer Madison,

no matter how terrible
a person he may be.

ALL: ♪ Jingle
bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Hey! Bum, bum,
bum, dee, dee, doo ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, da, dee... ♪

They're singing for me.

They don't hate me.

I've been so miserable to them.

Hey, ghost, is it... Hey, ghost?

Where are you?

Don't leave me alone now.

GHOST: Look upon Christma
yet to come, Ebenezer!

Oh, no.

It can't be, ghost.

I'm too young.

It's mine.

"This messy grave
marks the last resting place

of Oscar Madison."

Hey, listen,
ghost, that isn't fair.

You know, I don't
want to go this way.

With nobody remembering
me, nobody caring!

( rattling )

It's my only friend, ghost.

Listen, you got to give
me another chance.

Please, one more chance.

Please!

Please!!

Please...!

Please!

Oscar! Oscar! Please!

Please! Oscar, hey, hey.

What? What? Who? Who?
You're having a nightmare.

All that spicy food
you ate, no wonder!

Oh, yeah, yeah, you did
tell me my ulcer would act up.

Yeah, well, you should
have listened to me.

Got my things all packed, Oscar.

This is good-bye.

What do you mean,
good-bye? What good-bye?

The fellas are
outside waiting for me.

They wanted me to
make one last-ditch effort

to get you to play Scrooge.

We're rehearsing tonight
and you could make it.

But I said you'd
never be interested.

And I'll have to
play it myself, Oscar.

Good-bye. Oh, hold it, Felix.

Hey, hey, watch it,
watch yourself now.

I'm a former serviceman.
Don't do anything rash.

What? What are
you talking about?

You are the best friend I
have in the whole world.

I am? Yes.

I am? Yes!

And Roy and Speed
and Vinnie and Murray...

All my good friends, and what
kind of a friend have I been?

I wouldn't even be in a lousy
Christmas play for you guys.

This is the real you

that's underneath
the other real you.

Well, this real me
that's underneath

the other real me
is the only real me

you're ever gonna
see from now on.

I'm gonna make this the best
Christmas my friends ever had!

Will you do our play?

Of course I will.

Come on, I got
to learn my lines.

Wait a minute, I've got my
bags packed, I got everything...

What do you mean you're packed?

They're going to stay right
here where they belong.

You mean it? I mean it!

Come on, let's go.

What-what-what, what is that?

What is what?
Huh, huh, huh, huh.

If I knew... Oh,
that was nothing.

Let's go.

Felix!

There's Tiny Tim!

FELIX: Oscar! Oscar!

There's Tiny Tim.

It's Murray! Your old friend.

We're on our way
to costume rehearsal.

Murray. Oh, it is you!

Oh, you don't know what
kind of a scary dream I had.

That's from all that
spicy food you eat.

Yeah, listen, we're
going to go to rehearsal,

and I'm going to be the
best Scrooge there ever was!

( others cheering )

God bless you, Oscar,

and God bless us all, every one.

ALL: ♪ Hark the
herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled. ♪

You like the nightcap
I stole from the play?

Mm-hmm. It's
very nice, very nice.

I would have one minor note.

It's a little too nice.

I have the same note
about your performance.

You were just a little too nice.

The kids loved you, but if
you were a meaner man,

the transformation at the end

would have been
sharper, more effective.

Thank you, George Jean Nathan.

I'll wait to see what the
other critics have to say.

Right. What about the tree?

I helped to do that.
That's nice, isn't it?

Very nice. Very, very beautiful.

I have one minor
criticism here, too.

Not important, just a quibble,

but I do think that
your support hose's

not quite the proper
Christmas spirit.

Yeah, but I'm new
at this kind of thing.

Hey, Felix, I got something
I want you to open tonight,

I can't wait. Oh,
no, no, not tonight...

Why not? Tomorrow.

Oh. But I have to
give you one, too.

Okay, let's go.

All right. Now... all right.

"This gift certificate
entitles Mr. Felix Unger

"to select a superior,
all-new air-germ humidifier

and croup kettle
in choice of color..."

Oh, Oscar, it's what
I've wanted so badly!

I thought it would
help your allergies.

It will. Open.

Oh, Felix!

A garbage can
with my initials on it.

Where did you get it?

I had it custom made.

Open the top!
Open the top! Okay.

( music box tinkling a tune )

Merry Christmas, Oscar.

Merry Christmas, Felix.

( Odd Couple theme playing )