The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Blackout - full transcript
Oscar gets accused of stealing $50 from the poker pot during a blackout.
Oscar, I'm going to be...
Very frank with you. I know.
The guys are getting
nervous about playing with you.
What do they got
to be nervous about?
They've been beating
out my brains...
They're nervous about
getting their money.
What?!
That's the truth, and
you can't blame them.
Sure I can blame 'em, Felix.
Why, I never welshed on
a gambling debt in my life.
Except one time, in Philly, a
small debt with Henry Diamond.
And you're going
to play tonight.
Positively.
And if I don't start winning,
I may use this razor.
Come with me, I want
to show you something.
What's that?
A worthless check
signed by you to me
from last week's poker game.
Let me look at that.
You'll notice it's stamped
"insufficient funds."
When you write a check,
you're supposed to
have enough money
in the bank to cover it.
So I made a little mistake.
If another check bounces,
they'll take away
my scenic checks.
Oh, Oscar.
Felix, will you relax,
I'm really not in
bad shape, honestly.
You mean if you
write a check tonight
the bank will cash it tomorrow?
Positively, and if they
don't, may a bolt of lightning
come down and strike me dead.
( crackling )
( Odd Couple theme playing )
This is not where
the trouble is.
That's where the
terrible flash came from.
Well, it happens
sometimes like that,
even when the trouble
is someplace else.
Why?
If I knew that, I'd
be an electrician,
getting ten bucks an hour,
instead of being a handyman.
I'll have to check out the
fuse box in the basement.
Now that the lights are back on,
can I at least finish vacuuming?
Uh-uh, no vacuuming until I
find out where the trouble is.
I've got company coming in.
I can't have them seeing
the place look like this!
You want them to see
this place in ashes?
Hey, Lambretti!
Hey, did you find out
what the trouble was?
I replaced the socket.
Look, if anything
else goes wrong,
don't call me.
What do I know?
I'm just a handyman.
Whoa, Lambretti, whoa... you
remember the dough you borrowed?
Yeah.
Well, I hate to bring this up,
but could I have some of it now?
I'm a little short.
How much? Oh,
about 50 bucks will do.
I only borrowed 50.
You're calling in
100% of a loan?
I'm not calling in
anything, I'm begging.
You know when I'll
give it to you? When?
When I get it.
Felix?
Absolutely not.
That was a mean
and childish thing to do.
Well, first, I had to
get your attention.
I want to ask you
a question. No!
It has absolutely
nothing to do with the $50.
What is it?
Can you lend me $40?
I've only got $15
to play with tonight!
( door buzzer )
( grumbling under his breath )
Hi, Oscar.
Tonight's my night.
Hey, where is everybody?
You know, Speed, you're
always the first one here,
and you always say,
"Where is everybody?"
You're a very funny guy.
Hey, did I see a beautiful
blonde on the elevator.
Yeah?
That's the Novaks' new maid.
I've seen her in the
supermarket... very, very beautiful.
How are you, Speed?
Oh-ho, you ain't kidding.
I couldn't take my eyes
off her on the elevator.
Wound up missing my floor.
Missing your floor.
You know something, Speed?
If you weren't married, I'll
bet she'd go out with you
because you're a good-looking
guy, you know that?
Oscar, whatever it is, no.
( door buzzer )
Come in!
Hi, Speed. Hi, Oscar.
SPEED: What's news, Murray?
What's new?
I got talked out of
writing a parking ticket,
that's what's new.
Hey, Murray, Vinnie.
Let's play poker.
Hey, Felix, I don't
hear these guys
talking about my credit.
There's nothing to talk about.
FELIX: Fellas,
the bar is set up.
Make yourself drinks.
I ask only that
you use coasters.
Come on, Oscar.
Will you ante up?
I already did ante.
No, you didn't.
You rattled some
chips, but you didn't ante.
All right, copper, I'll
ante again, all right?
You took a chip out.
I'm going light.
And shut up and deal already.
Eight, six, ace, eight, king.
Ace bets.
Ace bets a dollar.
Can't make the bullet
toward the buck, right?
Yeah, if you got another
little bullet underneath there.
What are you going to do, Roy?
My, my, isn't he impatient?
Um, well, I guess I'll, uh...
You'll what? Make
a decision, already.
What's the big deal?
Here we go.
Come and get it.
Hold it, wait a minute,
we're right in the
middle of a poker game.
I'm a bluffer. Where you going?
It's time to eat.
You know I always bluff.
You probably got a dynamite
card the whole evening.
Oh, look what you've done.
Do you know that you're a slob?
Can't you be a little
bit more careful?
Come on, Roy, you know me.
FELIX: Look at this.
You're not bluffing.
Felix, that was my
first shot at a pot.
I had aces wired.
I'm sorry, I blew it for you.
Make yourself a
sandwich, you'll feel better.
Poker face.
Hey, come on, eat, eat.
You'll feel better.
Hey, what's the matter?
It's a blackout,
a power failure.
No, no, there's lights
across the street.
It must be just here.
No, look, we had a
little trouble before.
The super's down fixing a fuse.
They'll be on in a
couple of minutes.
Have you got any candles, Felix?
I've got some on the chiffonier
but I was saving them
for a candlelight dinner.
So have them for
candlelight poker.
What's the difference?
No, no, we don't
need any candles...
I got a flashlight.
Wh-Where's my flashlight?
Okay, who took my flashlight?
Light a candle, so I can
find my flashlight, will you?
Don't try to switch
on your gun, Murray.
Oh, there it is.
It was in my coat
pocket all the time.
You're a great cop,
you know, Murray?
( door buzzer )
OSCAR: That must
be the super now.
FELIX: I'll get it.
Well, come in.
Come in, come in.
( Swedish accent
): Oh. I'm sorry.
I must be in the
wrong apartment.
I hope not.
Well, all the lights are out
and I could not
tell where I was.
Come in.
Do you mind if I stay
for a few moments?
FELIX: No, of course not.
Nah! Somebody
blow out the candles.
I'm Felix Unger.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Inga Virklund,
the Novaks' new maid.
I know, I saw you
in the supermarket.
SPEED: I saw
her in the elevator.
This is Speed, and this is Roy.
This is Oscar.
This is Vinnie
and this is Murray.
Hello.
May I take your bag?
Thank you.
Ah. Avocados.
They were on special
at the supermarket.
I know, two for $1.05, starts
Wednesday, ends Friday.
I'm so glad all
you men are here.
I feel so much safer.
( shrieking ): Who did that?
Did what?
Well, somebody did
a very naughty thing.
Okay, don't anybody move.
Now, who did that?
Do you want us up
against the wall, Murray?
Ahh!
( all talking excitedly )
Fellas, fellas.
Aren't we being a
little rude to our guest?
You're absolutely right.
Maybe she'd like
to join the game?
No, thank you, I must be going.
Why so early... The
shank of the evening?
I'm sorry, but I must
get back to work.
Hey-hey!
ALL: Hey-hey! Hey-hey!
Wow! Hey-hey!
Well, let's hope for
another blackout real soon.
Hey-hey.
Hey-hey.
Hey, Felix, how come you never
introduced her to me before?
I didn't think
you'd be interested
in somebody who cleans house.
Very funny.
Okay, fellas, let's play.
Yeah, that's what I say.
Everybody shut up and deal.
Hey, somebody ought to count
the money in the
bank before we start.
I've told you guys 100
times to use napkins.
Whose deal?
Mine. Five card stud.
Hold it! There was a
$50 bill right on top.
Well, it's not there now.
Okay, don't anybody move.
How we gonna find it if
we don't move, dummy?
It probably fell on the floor.
Look on the floor,
that's what it is.
Under the rug?
Somebody must
have taken it as a gag.
Okay, the joke's over,
put it back. Come on.
Yeah, put it back
and we'll all laugh.
All right?
Come on, now, one more
second, guys, and it's no joke.
Of course it's a
joke, we're all friends.
Who's going to steal $50?
It's a gag.
What kind of a gag is that?
Somebody stole $50.
Will you stop being
a cop for a minute?
Somebody's got
to enforce the law.
If we took crime as a joke,
we'd be clowns
instead of policemen.
Well, we would.
All right, whoever
took it, put it back.
Come on, we're
wasting valuable time.
You know what I think?
I think somebody must
have taken it as a gag
and now they're too
embarrassed to put it back.
I don't think so, Felix.
No one here ever
gets embarrassed.
Vinnie, you asked
about the bank.
Was it your little joke?
FELIX: No, I'm
sure it wasn't Vinnie.
I tell you what I'd like to do.
We'll put the lights out
and whoever took the
money will put it back again,
and nobody will be
any the wiser, all right?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I'll try anything.
Come on, let's
go, get it over with.
I'm going to count to ten.
And then you'll
put them back on.
Off.
One...
Hey, who's watching
the rest of the money?
That's liable to be
gone, too, you know?
If it is, you can shoot to kill.
Seven, eight... nine, ten.
There it is.
SPEED: There it
is $50 right on top.
It's funny how it disappeared
and now it's back.
Hilarious.
I mean, it's strange, like...
maybe it wasn't a joke.
Of course it was a joke.
But it wasn't funny.
Stealing never is.
VINNIE: Yeah, but, Felix,
don't you think we ought to...
I think it's water
under the bridge.
I say let's forget it.
Come on, will ya? Let's play.
Put the money by the gun.
Let's play, or does somebody
want to pick my pocket?
Five card stud.
Wait a minute! My watch is gone!
ALL: What?!
Really, somebody stole
my watch, 185 bucks.
You've got to be kidding.
What kind of a night is this?
Oh, oh, wait a minute.
I, I'm sorry, I left it home.
I'm sorry, fellas.
Oh, Vinnie, you gave
me a heart attack.
We've been playing
together for seven years.
Nothing like this has
ever happened before.
It gives you an eerie feeling.
I'd like to solve this mystery.
Will you conduct these
investigations after the game?
Yeah. Big ace bets two dollars.
What time is it?
It's 10:15, and
the bet is $2, Roy.
I'm cashing in, I told my
wife I'd be home early tonight.
How come you didn't say that
before I got the ace up here?
I'm sorry, Oscar.
I, I got to go.
Me, too, this may sound
like a phony coincidence,
but I did promise a guy
I would take his beat tonight.
Sounds like a phony coincidence.
You, too?
I got to go.
Well. I guess that's the game.
Come on, Speed, you'd
stop a funeral procession
to play another hand.
Look, I'll get rid of the ace.
I'll take this... here, three.
Look, what are you
panicking about?
There. There's always next week.
Oh. The pot owes me 50 cents.
See you next week.
Hey, Murray, wait up!
( door closing )
How do you like that?
Those guys ran out of
here like I had the plague.
I wonder why they
rushed out like that.
Do you really wonder why, Oscar?
You know, Felix, the
more I think of the dummy
who played that practical joke
with the $50, the madder I get.
Oh?
You notice how much
trouble it caused?
How we started to
mistrust each other?
That's why the
game broke up early.
It wasn't a joke.
What?
There was a theft tonight.
You serious?
Very.
Really?
Who do you think did it?
Oh, come on, Oscar.
You know who did it.
No, I don't, I'm
trying to figure it out.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
What, what, what?
You think it was Speed?
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Well, Speed was the big winner.
He didn't need the money.
That's a perfect opportunity.
That's nonsense, the big loser
is the one who would take it.
No, Felix.
See, I was the big loser, see...
The big loser was me.
Felix, Felix, Felix.
You trying to say you
think I took the money?
Yes! That's why I
put it back for you.
You put the money back?
I took $50 out of my pocket,
and put it back in the box.
Why?
Because, I didn't
think you'd do it,
and I wanted to cover for you.
I can't believe it.
You just assumed I was...
Oh, Oscar, Oscar...
Never mind... no more
with the "Oscar-Oscar."
How dare you cover
for an innocent man.
That's insulting!
Oscar, I wasn't the only
one who knew you took it,
everybody knew you took it.
What?!
Everybody knew you took it,
you, whose checks have
been bouncing all over town.
Why do you think everybody
was looking at you?
I thought they were
looking to me for leadership.
They were looking
to you for $50.
Well, search
me. I don't have it!
If that's the way you want it...
That's the way it is, Felix.
Oh, forget it.
I'm too upset even to clean up.
I'm going to bed.
I'm shocked.
I'm really shocked to
think that they suspect me.
In my whole entire life,
I never took anything
that didn't belong to me!
Where could that money be?
Where could it be?
Look at this.
It's got to be the
only house in America
with no dust under the rug.
It's got to be here somewhere.
Blanche's wedding ring.
She never loved me.
How about this?
They got me crawling
around on the floor
in the middle of the night.
Some friends I've got.
There's no loyalty.
I'm going to sell
all my friends.
I'm going to buy a dog.
How would great detectives
like Perry Mason
and Charlie Chan...
How would they
prove I was innocent?
Charlie Chan's Last Chance.
The Murder of The Crazy Butcher.
Molly's First Love.
The Strange Case of Henry Adams.
I read this guy before.
It's pretty good.
Okay.
"And Henry Adams, the accused,
"was brought before
the bar of justice.
His friends looked
at him accusingly."
Sure they did.
"Yet pure of mind and
innocent in his heart,
he stood alone to
face the verdict."
That poor guy.
"And as sure as the
coming of the winter snows,
when all the evidence was
in and had been sifted..."
Oh, go get 'em,
Henry, go get 'em.
"Henry Adams was... guilty"?!
Ooh.
Science Versus
Crime, that's more like it.
"The science involved
was simple, almost primitive.
"If each of the suspects could
somehow be brought back
"to the scene of the crime
"and the strategic
questions put to them,
the guilty party would
have to reveal himself."
That's the way to
handle it, all right.
He even sleeps neat.
Hey!
Ah! What is it!? Who is it!?
Oscar!
Oscar?
Jeez, do you have to sleep
with those stupid things on?
This helps me sleep.
Yeah, but I don't feel
like telling my troubles
to the Lone Ranger.
What is it?
It's this money thing,
it's really bugging me.
Well, that's guilt.
What are you
talking about, guilt?!
I don't feel guilty because
I didn't take any money!
All right, then
what's bugging you?
What's bugging me is
that you think I took it,
and the other
guys think I took it!
All right, I don't
think you took it.
Oh, everybody up.
You do think I took it.
Look, I can't sleep until I
get to the bottom of this thing.
What time is it?
2:30.
2:30 in the morning?
What are you so excited about?
You've been up till 2:30
in the morning before.
Not when I have
to get up at 6:00.
Felix, I've got to get to
the bottom of this thing.
We'll do it tomorrow.
Now!
What do you mean now?
I'm calling all the guys here.
I'm going to get
them all in one room.
And nobody gets out until
the guilty party confesses.
You can't do that.
Why not?
I've nothing to serve.
Oscar, it's 3:15.
Good, Roy.
Every group needs
somebody who can tell time.
Where's Murray?
Yeah, when you want a
cop, you can never find one.
Don't worry, he'll
be here any minute.
I must be nuts to be here.
Five more minutes
and I'm going home.
Unless you want to
play a couple of hands.
Just relax, will you, Speed?
( door buzzer )
Ah, proud man in blue.
Come into the house
of Willie Sutton Madison.
Hey, you want to frisk me?
Oh, cut it out.
Now what's this all about?
And it better be good.
My wife thinks
I'm fooling around
with a meter maid.
Just sit down.
And don't forget, fellas.
Hold onto your watches
and your wallets.
Felix tells me that you, you...
My closest friends
in the whole world,
guys I went to school with,
we had our hands
stamped together
at the dances at Bayonne High...
That you think I
stole that money.
Don't bother to deny it.
The truth is the only
thing that matters.
Don't worry about my feelings.
You have to speak up,
no matter how
difficult it may be.
You have to speak
your true feelings.
Now, do you think
I stole the $50?
ALL: Yes.
Roy, would you stand up, please?
Please.
Roy, you're an old
and very dear friend.
You've been my
trusted accountant
for a lot of years.
I want your answer
without the pressure
of Felix's friends here.
And whatever your answer is,
there'll be no recriminations.
Now, you tell me,
dear, trusted friend.
Tell me to my face
that you think I
stole the money.
Oscar, I think you
stole that money.
I can't believe it!
Everyone here has said
they think you took
the money, Oscar.
I think you ought to believe it.
Look, do we have
to go through all this?
If Oscar didn't steal the money,
somebody else did.
Well, so what?
We're all friends.
It's ridiculous to
stay up all night
for a thing like this.
Yeah, let's forget
the whole mess.
Oscar probably isn't guilty
or he wouldn't have gone
through all this trouble.
FELIX: Right.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
Forget it!
Yeah, let's forget it.
And besides, you put
the money back, Oscar.
I didn't put the money back
because I didn't take it.
Felix put the money back.
ALL: Felix?
That doesn't make sense.
I put it back to
cover for Oscar.
ALL: That makes sense.
It was nice of
you to do it, Felix.
( door buzzer )
Hi, Inga. Come in.
What is the problem?
My boss does not want
me to get calls at this hour.
Hi, Felix.
You called her,
too? What is this?
I want everybody here so
we can reenact the crime.
Crime? What crime?
Someone only brushed me.
I would not call that a crime.
Me neither.
Never mind!
Where were you guys
when the lights went out?
Oh, Oscar, I don't remember.
Well, you better remember!
The sooner you get to it, the
sooner we can all go to bed.
Come on, guys.
( angry muttering )
And I remember Felix
was near the china...
Where were you, copper?
I was... Well, get over there.
All right, you were standing,
if I remember correctly,
you were standing by Murray.
Ohh!
Well, I'm just
reenacting the crime.
Okay. And I was over
here, if I remember.
Right here.
Okay, everybody freeze.
Ah. Ah.
Now I hope you've
learned your lesson.
As you can see,
you should never
jump to conclusions.
Never accuse unjustly.
Look. Here I am.
The only one who
was near the bank,
the only one who could
have taken the money.
Which certainly proves
that I am a rotten detective
and I shouldn't be listened to.
Murray, arrest Oscar.
I feel it's my duty to
inform you of your rights...
It's my duty to inform you
to shut your face, Murray.
Can we all go home now?
No, we're staying here
until we clear this up.
Wait a minute.
Who had a ham, corned
beef, salami, cream cheese
and tomato on rye?
With mustard or mayonnaise?
Mustard, of course.
I did, so what?
It proves, Oscar, beyond
a shadow of a doubt
that you took the money.
You mean... I mean
that, in the dark,
you made yourself a
very expensive sandwich.
Oscar ate the money?
Exactly.
Well, I hope this teaches
all of you a lesson.
Yeah. Not to make a
sandwich in the dark.
No... not to assume
someone is guilty
just because all the
evidence points to him.
Oscar Madison is innocent!
ALL ( subdued ): Yay.
Excuse me, but
it is getting late
and I must be
getting back shortly.
Besides, I don't
want my boss to think
that all Swedes do
like in the movies.
Good night, Felix.
Good night, Inga.
Hey-hey.
OSCAR: Hey-hey, baby.
Fellas, since we're
all here together,
what do you say?
One quick hand... before we go.
What else can it hurt,
except my marriage?
Felix, since we're here
and we're going to play...
What I mean is, uh...
could you lend
me a little money?
Want to go to the
supermarket with me?
Sure, Felix. That's
why I came home early.
You're being
sarcastic, aren't you?
I was only asking.
No, I'm going to hang
around the house,
have a couple of beers.
I'm going to turn
in early, I'm tired.
( door buzzer )
That's for me.
Have fun.
You, too, have a ball.
Ready, Felix?
Ready, Inga.
Hello.
Felix, what do you think?
I'm gonna go shopping with you.
No, Inga and I are going
shopping Swedish style.
You're going to the market nude?
No, alone.
Look, I could come with
you, I could push the carriage.
Hey-hey. Hey-hey.
Take care of the avocadoes.
Hey-hey.
Very frank with you. I know.
The guys are getting
nervous about playing with you.
What do they got
to be nervous about?
They've been beating
out my brains...
They're nervous about
getting their money.
What?!
That's the truth, and
you can't blame them.
Sure I can blame 'em, Felix.
Why, I never welshed on
a gambling debt in my life.
Except one time, in Philly, a
small debt with Henry Diamond.
And you're going
to play tonight.
Positively.
And if I don't start winning,
I may use this razor.
Come with me, I want
to show you something.
What's that?
A worthless check
signed by you to me
from last week's poker game.
Let me look at that.
You'll notice it's stamped
"insufficient funds."
When you write a check,
you're supposed to
have enough money
in the bank to cover it.
So I made a little mistake.
If another check bounces,
they'll take away
my scenic checks.
Oh, Oscar.
Felix, will you relax,
I'm really not in
bad shape, honestly.
You mean if you
write a check tonight
the bank will cash it tomorrow?
Positively, and if they
don't, may a bolt of lightning
come down and strike me dead.
( crackling )
( Odd Couple theme playing )
This is not where
the trouble is.
That's where the
terrible flash came from.
Well, it happens
sometimes like that,
even when the trouble
is someplace else.
Why?
If I knew that, I'd
be an electrician,
getting ten bucks an hour,
instead of being a handyman.
I'll have to check out the
fuse box in the basement.
Now that the lights are back on,
can I at least finish vacuuming?
Uh-uh, no vacuuming until I
find out where the trouble is.
I've got company coming in.
I can't have them seeing
the place look like this!
You want them to see
this place in ashes?
Hey, Lambretti!
Hey, did you find out
what the trouble was?
I replaced the socket.
Look, if anything
else goes wrong,
don't call me.
What do I know?
I'm just a handyman.
Whoa, Lambretti, whoa... you
remember the dough you borrowed?
Yeah.
Well, I hate to bring this up,
but could I have some of it now?
I'm a little short.
How much? Oh,
about 50 bucks will do.
I only borrowed 50.
You're calling in
100% of a loan?
I'm not calling in
anything, I'm begging.
You know when I'll
give it to you? When?
When I get it.
Felix?
Absolutely not.
That was a mean
and childish thing to do.
Well, first, I had to
get your attention.
I want to ask you
a question. No!
It has absolutely
nothing to do with the $50.
What is it?
Can you lend me $40?
I've only got $15
to play with tonight!
( door buzzer )
( grumbling under his breath )
Hi, Oscar.
Tonight's my night.
Hey, where is everybody?
You know, Speed, you're
always the first one here,
and you always say,
"Where is everybody?"
You're a very funny guy.
Hey, did I see a beautiful
blonde on the elevator.
Yeah?
That's the Novaks' new maid.
I've seen her in the
supermarket... very, very beautiful.
How are you, Speed?
Oh-ho, you ain't kidding.
I couldn't take my eyes
off her on the elevator.
Wound up missing my floor.
Missing your floor.
You know something, Speed?
If you weren't married, I'll
bet she'd go out with you
because you're a good-looking
guy, you know that?
Oscar, whatever it is, no.
( door buzzer )
Come in!
Hi, Speed. Hi, Oscar.
SPEED: What's news, Murray?
What's new?
I got talked out of
writing a parking ticket,
that's what's new.
Hey, Murray, Vinnie.
Let's play poker.
Hey, Felix, I don't
hear these guys
talking about my credit.
There's nothing to talk about.
FELIX: Fellas,
the bar is set up.
Make yourself drinks.
I ask only that
you use coasters.
Come on, Oscar.
Will you ante up?
I already did ante.
No, you didn't.
You rattled some
chips, but you didn't ante.
All right, copper, I'll
ante again, all right?
You took a chip out.
I'm going light.
And shut up and deal already.
Eight, six, ace, eight, king.
Ace bets.
Ace bets a dollar.
Can't make the bullet
toward the buck, right?
Yeah, if you got another
little bullet underneath there.
What are you going to do, Roy?
My, my, isn't he impatient?
Um, well, I guess I'll, uh...
You'll what? Make
a decision, already.
What's the big deal?
Here we go.
Come and get it.
Hold it, wait a minute,
we're right in the
middle of a poker game.
I'm a bluffer. Where you going?
It's time to eat.
You know I always bluff.
You probably got a dynamite
card the whole evening.
Oh, look what you've done.
Do you know that you're a slob?
Can't you be a little
bit more careful?
Come on, Roy, you know me.
FELIX: Look at this.
You're not bluffing.
Felix, that was my
first shot at a pot.
I had aces wired.
I'm sorry, I blew it for you.
Make yourself a
sandwich, you'll feel better.
Poker face.
Hey, come on, eat, eat.
You'll feel better.
Hey, what's the matter?
It's a blackout,
a power failure.
No, no, there's lights
across the street.
It must be just here.
No, look, we had a
little trouble before.
The super's down fixing a fuse.
They'll be on in a
couple of minutes.
Have you got any candles, Felix?
I've got some on the chiffonier
but I was saving them
for a candlelight dinner.
So have them for
candlelight poker.
What's the difference?
No, no, we don't
need any candles...
I got a flashlight.
Wh-Where's my flashlight?
Okay, who took my flashlight?
Light a candle, so I can
find my flashlight, will you?
Don't try to switch
on your gun, Murray.
Oh, there it is.
It was in my coat
pocket all the time.
You're a great cop,
you know, Murray?
( door buzzer )
OSCAR: That must
be the super now.
FELIX: I'll get it.
Well, come in.
Come in, come in.
( Swedish accent
): Oh. I'm sorry.
I must be in the
wrong apartment.
I hope not.
Well, all the lights are out
and I could not
tell where I was.
Come in.
Do you mind if I stay
for a few moments?
FELIX: No, of course not.
Nah! Somebody
blow out the candles.
I'm Felix Unger.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Inga Virklund,
the Novaks' new maid.
I know, I saw you
in the supermarket.
SPEED: I saw
her in the elevator.
This is Speed, and this is Roy.
This is Oscar.
This is Vinnie
and this is Murray.
Hello.
May I take your bag?
Thank you.
Ah. Avocados.
They were on special
at the supermarket.
I know, two for $1.05, starts
Wednesday, ends Friday.
I'm so glad all
you men are here.
I feel so much safer.
( shrieking ): Who did that?
Did what?
Well, somebody did
a very naughty thing.
Okay, don't anybody move.
Now, who did that?
Do you want us up
against the wall, Murray?
Ahh!
( all talking excitedly )
Fellas, fellas.
Aren't we being a
little rude to our guest?
You're absolutely right.
Maybe she'd like
to join the game?
No, thank you, I must be going.
Why so early... The
shank of the evening?
I'm sorry, but I must
get back to work.
Hey-hey!
ALL: Hey-hey! Hey-hey!
Wow! Hey-hey!
Well, let's hope for
another blackout real soon.
Hey-hey.
Hey-hey.
Hey, Felix, how come you never
introduced her to me before?
I didn't think
you'd be interested
in somebody who cleans house.
Very funny.
Okay, fellas, let's play.
Yeah, that's what I say.
Everybody shut up and deal.
Hey, somebody ought to count
the money in the
bank before we start.
I've told you guys 100
times to use napkins.
Whose deal?
Mine. Five card stud.
Hold it! There was a
$50 bill right on top.
Well, it's not there now.
Okay, don't anybody move.
How we gonna find it if
we don't move, dummy?
It probably fell on the floor.
Look on the floor,
that's what it is.
Under the rug?
Somebody must
have taken it as a gag.
Okay, the joke's over,
put it back. Come on.
Yeah, put it back
and we'll all laugh.
All right?
Come on, now, one more
second, guys, and it's no joke.
Of course it's a
joke, we're all friends.
Who's going to steal $50?
It's a gag.
What kind of a gag is that?
Somebody stole $50.
Will you stop being
a cop for a minute?
Somebody's got
to enforce the law.
If we took crime as a joke,
we'd be clowns
instead of policemen.
Well, we would.
All right, whoever
took it, put it back.
Come on, we're
wasting valuable time.
You know what I think?
I think somebody must
have taken it as a gag
and now they're too
embarrassed to put it back.
I don't think so, Felix.
No one here ever
gets embarrassed.
Vinnie, you asked
about the bank.
Was it your little joke?
FELIX: No, I'm
sure it wasn't Vinnie.
I tell you what I'd like to do.
We'll put the lights out
and whoever took the
money will put it back again,
and nobody will be
any the wiser, all right?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I'll try anything.
Come on, let's
go, get it over with.
I'm going to count to ten.
And then you'll
put them back on.
Off.
One...
Hey, who's watching
the rest of the money?
That's liable to be
gone, too, you know?
If it is, you can shoot to kill.
Seven, eight... nine, ten.
There it is.
SPEED: There it
is $50 right on top.
It's funny how it disappeared
and now it's back.
Hilarious.
I mean, it's strange, like...
maybe it wasn't a joke.
Of course it was a joke.
But it wasn't funny.
Stealing never is.
VINNIE: Yeah, but, Felix,
don't you think we ought to...
I think it's water
under the bridge.
I say let's forget it.
Come on, will ya? Let's play.
Put the money by the gun.
Let's play, or does somebody
want to pick my pocket?
Five card stud.
Wait a minute! My watch is gone!
ALL: What?!
Really, somebody stole
my watch, 185 bucks.
You've got to be kidding.
What kind of a night is this?
Oh, oh, wait a minute.
I, I'm sorry, I left it home.
I'm sorry, fellas.
Oh, Vinnie, you gave
me a heart attack.
We've been playing
together for seven years.
Nothing like this has
ever happened before.
It gives you an eerie feeling.
I'd like to solve this mystery.
Will you conduct these
investigations after the game?
Yeah. Big ace bets two dollars.
What time is it?
It's 10:15, and
the bet is $2, Roy.
I'm cashing in, I told my
wife I'd be home early tonight.
How come you didn't say that
before I got the ace up here?
I'm sorry, Oscar.
I, I got to go.
Me, too, this may sound
like a phony coincidence,
but I did promise a guy
I would take his beat tonight.
Sounds like a phony coincidence.
You, too?
I got to go.
Well. I guess that's the game.
Come on, Speed, you'd
stop a funeral procession
to play another hand.
Look, I'll get rid of the ace.
I'll take this... here, three.
Look, what are you
panicking about?
There. There's always next week.
Oh. The pot owes me 50 cents.
See you next week.
Hey, Murray, wait up!
( door closing )
How do you like that?
Those guys ran out of
here like I had the plague.
I wonder why they
rushed out like that.
Do you really wonder why, Oscar?
You know, Felix, the
more I think of the dummy
who played that practical joke
with the $50, the madder I get.
Oh?
You notice how much
trouble it caused?
How we started to
mistrust each other?
That's why the
game broke up early.
It wasn't a joke.
What?
There was a theft tonight.
You serious?
Very.
Really?
Who do you think did it?
Oh, come on, Oscar.
You know who did it.
No, I don't, I'm
trying to figure it out.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
What, what, what?
You think it was Speed?
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Well, Speed was the big winner.
He didn't need the money.
That's a perfect opportunity.
That's nonsense, the big loser
is the one who would take it.
No, Felix.
See, I was the big loser, see...
The big loser was me.
Felix, Felix, Felix.
You trying to say you
think I took the money?
Yes! That's why I
put it back for you.
You put the money back?
I took $50 out of my pocket,
and put it back in the box.
Why?
Because, I didn't
think you'd do it,
and I wanted to cover for you.
I can't believe it.
You just assumed I was...
Oh, Oscar, Oscar...
Never mind... no more
with the "Oscar-Oscar."
How dare you cover
for an innocent man.
That's insulting!
Oscar, I wasn't the only
one who knew you took it,
everybody knew you took it.
What?!
Everybody knew you took it,
you, whose checks have
been bouncing all over town.
Why do you think everybody
was looking at you?
I thought they were
looking to me for leadership.
They were looking
to you for $50.
Well, search
me. I don't have it!
If that's the way you want it...
That's the way it is, Felix.
Oh, forget it.
I'm too upset even to clean up.
I'm going to bed.
I'm shocked.
I'm really shocked to
think that they suspect me.
In my whole entire life,
I never took anything
that didn't belong to me!
Where could that money be?
Where could it be?
Look at this.
It's got to be the
only house in America
with no dust under the rug.
It's got to be here somewhere.
Blanche's wedding ring.
She never loved me.
How about this?
They got me crawling
around on the floor
in the middle of the night.
Some friends I've got.
There's no loyalty.
I'm going to sell
all my friends.
I'm going to buy a dog.
How would great detectives
like Perry Mason
and Charlie Chan...
How would they
prove I was innocent?
Charlie Chan's Last Chance.
The Murder of The Crazy Butcher.
Molly's First Love.
The Strange Case of Henry Adams.
I read this guy before.
It's pretty good.
Okay.
"And Henry Adams, the accused,
"was brought before
the bar of justice.
His friends looked
at him accusingly."
Sure they did.
"Yet pure of mind and
innocent in his heart,
he stood alone to
face the verdict."
That poor guy.
"And as sure as the
coming of the winter snows,
when all the evidence was
in and had been sifted..."
Oh, go get 'em,
Henry, go get 'em.
"Henry Adams was... guilty"?!
Ooh.
Science Versus
Crime, that's more like it.
"The science involved
was simple, almost primitive.
"If each of the suspects could
somehow be brought back
"to the scene of the crime
"and the strategic
questions put to them,
the guilty party would
have to reveal himself."
That's the way to
handle it, all right.
He even sleeps neat.
Hey!
Ah! What is it!? Who is it!?
Oscar!
Oscar?
Jeez, do you have to sleep
with those stupid things on?
This helps me sleep.
Yeah, but I don't feel
like telling my troubles
to the Lone Ranger.
What is it?
It's this money thing,
it's really bugging me.
Well, that's guilt.
What are you
talking about, guilt?!
I don't feel guilty because
I didn't take any money!
All right, then
what's bugging you?
What's bugging me is
that you think I took it,
and the other
guys think I took it!
All right, I don't
think you took it.
Oh, everybody up.
You do think I took it.
Look, I can't sleep until I
get to the bottom of this thing.
What time is it?
2:30.
2:30 in the morning?
What are you so excited about?
You've been up till 2:30
in the morning before.
Not when I have
to get up at 6:00.
Felix, I've got to get to
the bottom of this thing.
We'll do it tomorrow.
Now!
What do you mean now?
I'm calling all the guys here.
I'm going to get
them all in one room.
And nobody gets out until
the guilty party confesses.
You can't do that.
Why not?
I've nothing to serve.
Oscar, it's 3:15.
Good, Roy.
Every group needs
somebody who can tell time.
Where's Murray?
Yeah, when you want a
cop, you can never find one.
Don't worry, he'll
be here any minute.
I must be nuts to be here.
Five more minutes
and I'm going home.
Unless you want to
play a couple of hands.
Just relax, will you, Speed?
( door buzzer )
Ah, proud man in blue.
Come into the house
of Willie Sutton Madison.
Hey, you want to frisk me?
Oh, cut it out.
Now what's this all about?
And it better be good.
My wife thinks
I'm fooling around
with a meter maid.
Just sit down.
And don't forget, fellas.
Hold onto your watches
and your wallets.
Felix tells me that you, you...
My closest friends
in the whole world,
guys I went to school with,
we had our hands
stamped together
at the dances at Bayonne High...
That you think I
stole that money.
Don't bother to deny it.
The truth is the only
thing that matters.
Don't worry about my feelings.
You have to speak up,
no matter how
difficult it may be.
You have to speak
your true feelings.
Now, do you think
I stole the $50?
ALL: Yes.
Roy, would you stand up, please?
Please.
Roy, you're an old
and very dear friend.
You've been my
trusted accountant
for a lot of years.
I want your answer
without the pressure
of Felix's friends here.
And whatever your answer is,
there'll be no recriminations.
Now, you tell me,
dear, trusted friend.
Tell me to my face
that you think I
stole the money.
Oscar, I think you
stole that money.
I can't believe it!
Everyone here has said
they think you took
the money, Oscar.
I think you ought to believe it.
Look, do we have
to go through all this?
If Oscar didn't steal the money,
somebody else did.
Well, so what?
We're all friends.
It's ridiculous to
stay up all night
for a thing like this.
Yeah, let's forget
the whole mess.
Oscar probably isn't guilty
or he wouldn't have gone
through all this trouble.
FELIX: Right.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
Forget it!
Yeah, let's forget it.
And besides, you put
the money back, Oscar.
I didn't put the money back
because I didn't take it.
Felix put the money back.
ALL: Felix?
That doesn't make sense.
I put it back to
cover for Oscar.
ALL: That makes sense.
It was nice of
you to do it, Felix.
( door buzzer )
Hi, Inga. Come in.
What is the problem?
My boss does not want
me to get calls at this hour.
Hi, Felix.
You called her,
too? What is this?
I want everybody here so
we can reenact the crime.
Crime? What crime?
Someone only brushed me.
I would not call that a crime.
Me neither.
Never mind!
Where were you guys
when the lights went out?
Oh, Oscar, I don't remember.
Well, you better remember!
The sooner you get to it, the
sooner we can all go to bed.
Come on, guys.
( angry muttering )
And I remember Felix
was near the china...
Where were you, copper?
I was... Well, get over there.
All right, you were standing,
if I remember correctly,
you were standing by Murray.
Ohh!
Well, I'm just
reenacting the crime.
Okay. And I was over
here, if I remember.
Right here.
Okay, everybody freeze.
Ah. Ah.
Now I hope you've
learned your lesson.
As you can see,
you should never
jump to conclusions.
Never accuse unjustly.
Look. Here I am.
The only one who
was near the bank,
the only one who could
have taken the money.
Which certainly proves
that I am a rotten detective
and I shouldn't be listened to.
Murray, arrest Oscar.
I feel it's my duty to
inform you of your rights...
It's my duty to inform you
to shut your face, Murray.
Can we all go home now?
No, we're staying here
until we clear this up.
Wait a minute.
Who had a ham, corned
beef, salami, cream cheese
and tomato on rye?
With mustard or mayonnaise?
Mustard, of course.
I did, so what?
It proves, Oscar, beyond
a shadow of a doubt
that you took the money.
You mean... I mean
that, in the dark,
you made yourself a
very expensive sandwich.
Oscar ate the money?
Exactly.
Well, I hope this teaches
all of you a lesson.
Yeah. Not to make a
sandwich in the dark.
No... not to assume
someone is guilty
just because all the
evidence points to him.
Oscar Madison is innocent!
ALL ( subdued ): Yay.
Excuse me, but
it is getting late
and I must be
getting back shortly.
Besides, I don't
want my boss to think
that all Swedes do
like in the movies.
Good night, Felix.
Good night, Inga.
Hey-hey.
OSCAR: Hey-hey, baby.
Fellas, since we're
all here together,
what do you say?
One quick hand... before we go.
What else can it hurt,
except my marriage?
Felix, since we're here
and we're going to play...
What I mean is, uh...
could you lend
me a little money?
Want to go to the
supermarket with me?
Sure, Felix. That's
why I came home early.
You're being
sarcastic, aren't you?
I was only asking.
No, I'm going to hang
around the house,
have a couple of beers.
I'm going to turn
in early, I'm tired.
( door buzzer )
That's for me.
Have fun.
You, too, have a ball.
Ready, Felix?
Ready, Inga.
Hello.
Felix, what do you think?
I'm gonna go shopping with you.
No, Inga and I are going
shopping Swedish style.
You're going to the market nude?
No, alone.
Look, I could come with
you, I could push the carriage.
Hey-hey. Hey-hey.
Take care of the avocadoes.
Hey-hey.