The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 14 - They Use Horse Radish, Don't They - full transcript
Besides his bad back, Felix thinks he'll have trouble with the cooking contest after Oscar gave away his secret ingredients to his competitor.
♪ Felix Unger made a gravy ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o... ♪
Mmm.
♪ And in that gravy,
he needed salt ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪
Felix, keep it down, will ya?
I'm trying to write something
that could mean a
lot of money to me.
Writing your column
for the paper?
No, I'm writing to Blanche
asking her to lower her alimony.
Mmm.
Oscar, taste this.
For the last three days,
it's been, "Oscar, taste
this, Oscar, taste this."
Oscar, taste this.
No! I weighed my tongue this
morning, it weighed 22 pounds.
I have to test my recipe
on somebody, don't I?
You want me to win the
cooking contest, don't you?
Yeah, win, win, win already.
The semifinal is this afternoon.
Standing before you may be
the winner of the Golden Apron.
Good. How do you
spell "destitute"?
D-e-s... Never mind,
I'll write "broke."
Big words always make her mad.
First prize is a new
kitchen worth $1,389.
That's exactly what I need:
A brand-new kitchen
to make my bologna
sandwiches in.
Even "broke" doesn't work!
Needs something.
"Dear Blanche...
"Blanche...
"Please note that
I have not included
"your monthly alimony check.
"However, I have
enclosed the three 10s
"that caused me to lose
this month's alimony.
Sincerely yours, Oscar Madison."
( Felix yelps )
Oscar, come here!
I refuse to taste
any more gravies.
It's my arm!
You cooked your arm?
What are you pointing at?
Don't start with "we got
to wash the ceiling" again.
I reached for the mustard,
and I pulled my arm,
I can't get it down.
Again?
I know.
See, this always happens
when you're nervous.
If it's not your
arm, it's your back.
If it's not your back...
It's a nerve in my neck.
Okay, you do this a
couple more times,
I can get a
chiropractor's license.
I can't win a golden
apron with one hand.
I think I got it. Hmm?
The spot.
Go, go, go.
( yelps ) ( cracking )
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Oh, thanks.
How can you pull
a muscle cooking?
You know why I'm so excited?
I think I found the perfect
ingredient for my gravy.
Another gravy.
You better leave me
out of the gravy, Felix.
I've got a whole battle plan.
This afternoon,
at the semifinals
I'm gonna dazzle them
with my fancy tuna casserole.
What do I do, applaud
or wave a napkin?
Listen to my strategy.
Then, at the finals, all
the other contestants
will pull out all the stops
with fancy continental cooking.
By the time the
judges get to me,
their taste buds will be cloyed.
And then I hit them with
a simple American classic.
You're going to
make a TV dinner?
Will you be serious?
Roast beef.
It could win!
And the clincher...
is Gravy à la Felix.
The secret ingredient...
I can hardly wait.
A cup of beer and a
teaspoon of dry mustard.
Felix, my only interest
in beer and mustard
is with a hot dog.
( whispers ): Taste.
( whispers ): No.
I refuse to accept that.
You refuse to accept?!
Would you accept if I
poured it down your back?
I have no time to play games.
Taste it, I respect
your opinion.
That's the worst
thing I ever tasted.
What do you know?
( doorbell buzzing )
That's my friends
from the contest.
Open the door, will
you? I've got to get ready!
Felix, you're going to ruin
my life with this cooking.
You think that's
all I got to do?
"Answer the door,
taste this, taste that."
You taste all the gravies
you get to look
like an elephant.
I hate cooks! I hate cooking!
I hate everything
connected with it.
Hi. Is Felix here?
Come on in.
I can't tell you how closely
I have followed
the cooking contest.
It's fascinating.
It's absolutely fascinating.
Oh, you must be Oscar.
Felix told us all about you.
Yeah, but he didn't
tell me about you.
I'm Sharon and that's Doria.
Hi. Hi.
We're going to
the cooking contest
and we came to pick up Felix.
Yeah, well, he'll be ready
in a couple of minutes.
I'll bet your husbands
are very excited
about the new recipes
you're coming up with.
Sharon's not married, only me.
Oh, I see.
Well, why don't we sit
down and chat about that?
You, too, honey, right there.
Your roommate,
Felix, is so, so sexy.
He is?
The way he tosses a match
on the cherries flame-ay.
He flings it in with
such confidence.
It turns me on.
Tossing a match turns you on?
Oscar? You know
where my brown tie is?
Yeah, in my room, buddy,
In my room, I borrowed it.
Be right with you, girls.
What a voice.
And he cooks, too.
Yeah, well, look,
you girls just sit here.
Don't move for one...
Tossing a match turns you on?
Felix. Felix! Felix.
There's my brown
tie, in your brown shoe.
Oh, yeah, I put it there so
I'd remember they match.
Felix, I know this
is gonna sound silly,
but I'd like to come
down there and watch you,
you know, cheer you on.
Aren't you afraid the
guys will tease you?
No, I changed my mind.
Come on, I tasted your
stupid gravy, didn't I?
I helped fix your arm, didn't I?
Can I come with you now?
I want to meet the girls.
Yeah, yeah, that's
your interest in cooking.
You want to meet girls.
What are friends for?
This mirror needs
a windshield wiper.
And I'll tell you what,
I'll even help you to cook.
The girls said you could
have an assistant in the finals.
I'll be your assistant.
You may come.
But understand this.
When Felix Unger stands
before a flame with a sauce pan,
he's a solo artist.
Thank you, Mister Six.
Do you have a
friend in this con...
Ow!
Ladies and gentlemen.
The judges have
arrived at a decision.
The winners...
of the casserole event are...
Numbers one... six... and eight.
( audience applauding )
The Williamson Flour Company
congratulates
our three finalists.
As you know, you are to
come back tomorrow night
to compete for the
Golden Apron Award
and to win the all-
new electric kitchen.
Worth... $1,389, uh... plus tax.
To all the others,
a set of cookware
and our new book,
Fun With Flour.
( audience applauding )
FELIX: Barbara, very
much congratulations to you.
Aw, I'm sorry.
Well, we all can't be winners.
Congratulations.
You're a real competitor.
Felix. Excuse me.
Listen, I want you to
introduce me to number eight.
Huh?
Yeah, tomato surprise.
She's been smiling
at me all evening.
Aren't you going
to congratulate me?
Oh, yes, congratulations, pal.
Come on, let's meet her.
She even waved a ladle at me.
I think she likes me.
I know her.
Good, I'd like to
know her... Felix!
Mmm.
You were magnificent.
Thank you, Sharon.
I'm sorry you didn't
make the finals.
Oh, that's all right.
We are going to go out
together soon, aren't we, Felix?
Yes.
Wait right here.
I'm going to wash the
mayonnaise off my hands,
so I can write down
my phone number.
Don't go away.
I won't.
Felix, you were gorgeous.
Thank you, thank you.
Just gorgeous.
Thank you, Dorie.
You get them all, don't ya?
Well, come on, let's
meet number eight.
That's Barbara Arcola.
I don't think it's a good
idea for you to meet her.
Felix, what are you doing?
You want them all for yourself?
No, no, it's just that...
What does that mean?
Congratulations, Mr. Unger.
Oh, I'll handle it myself.
Thank you, sir.
Hello. I'm Oscar Madison.
I'm a friend of
tuna the casserole?
You know, Felix Unger?
Yes, I know who you are.
I'm Barbara Arcola.
How are you?
Over the years,
we had several men
win the Golden
Apron Cooking award.
This time,
you're the only one
to reach the finals!
Do you think you could
defend the title for the men?
I'll do my best.
Doesn't matter whether
you win or lose...
It's how you ladle the gravy.
( laughing )
The gravy!
OSCAR: Felix! Where's
the king of the kitchen?
Doing the laundry.
Felix, today you were
king of the casserole,
tomorrow, the world!
I looked for you after the
contest and you were gone.
Where were you?
I had to take Barbara Arcola out
for a cup of coffee.
Don't get mad, I
had to take her out.
Yeah? What did she say?
A lot of things.
And I want to tell you,
your word is magic
amongst the cooking chefs.
See, she knew we were friends,
but when I told her
we were roommates,
she was mine!
I thought so.
I'm going to her house tonight.
I don't want you
to go out with her.
What are you talking about?
What did you do, hit
yourself in the head
with one of your frying pans?
No, I'm serious.
Everybody down at the
contest knows all about her.
Good, I like a girl
that's been around.
She's known as
"Béarnaise Barbara."
You say that like you expect
a whole western town to freeze.
What are you talking about?
She was accused...
Now, I can't prove this...
But she was accused of stealing
another contestant's
recipe for Béarnaise sauce.
Now do you see why she
wants to go out with you?
She wants to steal my
Béarnaise sauce recipe?
Felix, maybe she wants me.
Did you ever stop
to think of that?
No! She wants my secret gravy
for the finals tomorrow.
She's trying to get
at me through you.
Well, I'm sorry, Felix,
I have a date with her.
I'll be in her house soon
and the temperature
will be 300 degrees.
Ciao, king.
Cooking contests are a jungle.
Mmm, boy, this is the life.
You know, that's one of
the best meals I ever had.
Oh, Oscar, you're
just saying that.
You must eat very well
with Felix doing your cooking.
Oh, yeah, Felix is a great cook.
But somehow, food tastes better
when you're sitting
next to a gorgeous girl.
Mouths are good for other things
besides tasting food, too.
Mmm. I'll pour you a coffee.
Mmm, mmm.
You're a friendly little thing,
you know that?
Felix didn't even
want me to come here.
Why not?
Oh. Oh, nothing, it's nothing.
No, tell me.
Mind you, he's
getting a little paranoid
about this chef stuff...
Oh, it's not even
worth bringing up.
No, come on, tell me.
He thinks you want
his secret gravy recipe.
Oh, that's silly.
I invited you to my
house, not a recipe.
That's exactly what I told him.
I mean, your roommate
is very talented,
but he's just making a roast.
How you know
he's making a roast?
We all announced to the judges
what we were
making for the finals.
Oscar, you're suspicious of me!
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, you believe
what Felix and the others
are saying about me...
"Béarnaise Barbara."
I don't even know
what a Béarnaise is.
I trust you, honest,
I really do trust you.
No, you don't.
I do.
Look, I'll prove
that I trust you.
I'll tell you Felix's
stupid recipe.
He-he's using a cup of beer
and a teaspoon of dry mustard.
Hey. Now, would I confide
in somebody I didn't trust?
No.
Then let's go back
to where we were.
Hmm... let's not
bring it to a boil, Oscar.
I mean, things are better
if you let them simmer awhile.
You make me sound
like a can of onion soup.
I mean, why rush things, Oscar?
And besides, I've got
to get up early tomorrow
to get ready for the contest.
I think you better go, hmm?
It's kind of late.
When am I gonna see you again?
Oh, soon.
Hey, tomorrow night
after the cooking thing?
Hmm, very possible.
( whistling )
Listen, most girls don't
even care about cooking.
How did you get
so involved in it?
I don't know, I needed a way
to use up my excess energy.
Excess energy?
What about I see you
tomorrow morning?
I'll sit outside the door,
and when I hear your alarm,
I'll come in with a
paper between my teeth.
I'll bark a lot.
Good night, Oscar. Good night.
Look at this.
Who is it?
Superintendent.
The napkin was...
Oh! No, I'll
get it, I'll get it.
"Cup of beer, teaspoon
of dry mustard."
Oscar, Oscar,
Oscar, how could you?
I don't know, Felix.
One minute, her
lips were on my lips.
The next minute, your
recipe was on my lips.
She tricked you.
I know.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar.
Aw, wait a minute, Felix,
let's not get carried away.
I mean I didn't give away
the secret to the hydrogen bomb.
It was just a
stupid gravy recipe.
Just a stupid gravy recipe.
It's only worth a
Golden Apron to me,
and a new kitchen worth $1,389.
Well, it just didn't
seem that important.
It didn't seem important to you!
It's important to me!
Aren't you my friend?
Does that mean nothing to you?
Does now.
It is now after 12:00.
I'm so tired I could drop.
My nerves are at
the breaking point.
My arm is killing me.
But I'm going in that kitchen,
and I'm going to make a
new gravy recipe if I die.
Seems to me the least
you could say is you're sorry.
I'm sorry, Felix.
Hmm.
Being sorry solves nothing.
FELIX: Barbara Arcola.
I know her kind.
Tried every trick in the
book on Felix Unger,
but it's not going to work.
( grunting )
Oscar!
Oscar?
Oscar.
Oscar.
Don't hit me, Felix, I didn't...
I told you not to reach.
I know, I know.
All right, I've got the spot.
I can't bring it down.
It's like a rock.
Take a deep breath.
Oh!
It's all in your head, Felix.
Oscar.
What?
I can't move my arms.
So what? They're both down.
Yeah, but I can't get them up.
It must be that nerve
in my neck. Oh, my!
You've got to learn
to relax, Felix, relax.
I'm in a cooking
contest with no arms.
Oh, isn't that great?
If I won the Golden Apron,
I wouldn't be able to
tie it around my waist.
Just take it easy,
I'll call the doctor.
No! No doctor!
Because I know what he'll do.
He'll put me in
traction like last time.
Then I won't be able
to be in the finals.
Okay, look, sit down.
Remember, Halloween?
We tried, remember?
You were stuck, Halloween?
You still went
trick-or-treating.
We got lucky, maybe
we'll do it again tonight.
All right? You
ready? Piece of cake.
It's unbelievable.
Now you tell me if this hurts.
I'm a maniac, I'm crazy.
I don't know what I'm doing.
( grunting )
Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
One more time,
remember Halloween.
Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, Oscar,
I'm a raving maniac.
Now the big hurt.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
( grunting )
Oscar!
Felix?
Felix!
You all right, Felix?
Why don't you kill me?
You've tried everything else.
Don't go into one of
those deep depressions.
I'm not.
It's all my fault, huh?
I didn't know the contest
meant that much to you.
No, it's silly, but I've never
won anything in my life.
Oh, in school once I won
a trophy in a spelling bee.
I was the only one in class
who knew how to spell zeppelin.
You won awards
for your photography.
Once I won a first
place with that picture
of slum living conditions
in New York City.
You never told me you won that.
I was ashamed.
I won it with a
picture of your room.
Oh, what's the difference?
On my tombstone, they'll write
"Here lies a man who
could spell zeppelin."
Felix, you're going
to win that contest.
( tearfully ): I can't
move my arms.
I'll be your arms.
You're allowed
an assistant, right?
I'll be the assistant.
I'll do the cooking for you!
Oh, you don't have
to thank me, Felix.
What a great... BOTH: Ow!
No.
No funny hats.
Too bad to hear about
your accident, Mr. Unger,
but I'm so glad
you found a helper.
Yes, sir, thank you.
Well, you know the
rules, Mr. Madison.
It was so very kind
of you to help out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are ready to
start the finals.
OSCAR: Hey,
we're on a time limit.
We better hustle.
I don't know if this is
going to work, Oscar.
We've settled that.
You give the orders.
You tell me what
to do, I'll just do it.
Well, for openers, your
apron's on backwards.
Oscar.
What do you want?
You want to borrow
some beer and mustard?
Give me a couple hugs,
I'll let you have
the whole roast.
Mr. Unger... I
don't want to stand
next to the same stove
as you, Miss Arcola.
I came to apologize.
Please, let me explain.
What's to explain?
You did the worst
thing a woman could do,
you tried to take
advantage of the fact
that I was trying to
take advantage of you.
I thought the whole thing over,
and it was a stupid thing to do.
You see, my
boyfriend, Sam, thinks
I'm a rotten cook,
because Rhoda, who used to
go out with Sam, was a great cook.
So when I invited Sam over
for dinner with Dick and
Pat, who also know Rhoda,
I made a fool of myself
because I couldn't
cook as well as Rhoda.
So I thought if I
could win this award,
I'd show Sam I could
cook as well as Rhoda,
and I thought if I could
win an all-new kitchen unit
he might even marry me.
He's been so cold to me.
I got as far as Sam and Dick.
I couldn't sleep all night.
I can't win by cheating.
Mr. Unger, I promise not
to use your gravy recipe.
I'm going to do
it all on my own.
That's all I wanted to say.
( tearfully ): I'm sorry.
That's the saddest
thing I ever heard.
Yeah.
Imagine, she's got a boyfriend.
I was going to
ask her out again.
After she tricked you?
Sure, I don't hold a grudge
against a figure like that.
You're hopeless.
But at least I can go
back to my original gravy.
What do I do, chief?
Well, I want those
potatoes mashed.
I'll check my ingredients.
I'll never complain about
mashed potatoes
again being lumpy.
Oscar.
What?
Pick up the electric knife.
Oh, good. I like
to work with this.
What do I do?
Turn it on.
Now press it
against your throat.
Okay, Felix, the roast is ready.
I tied it just like
you told me to.
That's how you tie a roast?
I said tie it, not
take it prisoner.
I've seen mummies
wrapped looser than that.
I'll take off some string.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
What is that? What is that?
I ran out of string.
That's my shoelace.
Well, I sterilized it.
That's it. Call the judges.
Judges, I'm quitting!
Felix!
I don't want to be here
when you ladle the
gravy with your shoe.
Oh, come on, Felix,
give me a chance.
I'm just learning.
We're going to be a
great cooking team.
Come on, please.
All right. But now
anything you do,
you must tell me beforehand.
I promise. Okay.
Turning right,
going to the stove.
Picking up the boiling potatoes
and burning fingers on hot pot.
Yelling, "Ow."
Ow!
I'm going to scrape the carrots.
Not with the electric knife.
Oh, I like to use this thing.
I cut the fat away from the
roast good with it, didn't I?
Like Jack-The-Ripper.
Scrape with this
little knife here.
This one?
Did I say "whittle"?
I said "scrape."
Like that?
That's "scrape."
Okay. Good.
Where's the eagle?
Where's the eagle?
You going to cook an eagle?
No, it's to decorate.
The classic American
roast, take these.
A meal should
not only taste good,
it should look good.
The way you're
cooking that roast,
we'll not only need the eagle,
we're going to need you
standing there singing
"Columbia, The
Gem of The Ocean."
Slow and easy,
nothing to be afraid of.
Now close the
door with your foot.
( sniffing ): Not bad, not bad.
Put her down.
I think I can cover
the rope burns
with bay leaves.
Now we're gonna pour off
the juice and make gravy, right?
In a minute, first we're
going to stir some flour
into the gravy.
Okay.
Not with the electric knife.
I like this thing.
Get the flour and a tablespoon.
And a tablespoon.
Now you sprinkle a
tablespoon of flour into the gravy.
( knife buzzing )
What's that sound?
I left the electric knife on.
Oh!
Oh, no.
It's stuck.
You're mutilating my roast!
Eh, it's all right.
Look at that!
How can I serve that
with a gaping
hole like that in it?
Look, I'll shove...
No, you won't!
I wouldn't permit
the American eagle
to sit on a mess like that.
You mean you can't serve it?
Of course not! It
has to be perfect!
JUDGE: Ten minutes to go.
Pick me up.
What?
Pick me up, do as I say.
Take me over to the
pepper on the table.
Lower me, lower me.
Pick me up, take me to the salt.
Closer, closer.
Higher, higher.
That's it.
Pick me up.
Pick you up, put you
down, what, what?
Take me back to the meat.
You going to use
the electric knife now?
No, get me a ladle!
But is that allowed?
I don't know.
Here we go.
Higher, higher, okay.
I need a bowl.
A bowl.
No, not there, over here, yes...
Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of the Golden
Apron cooking award
is Mr. Felix Unger
for his old favorite
American beef stew
with Gravy à la Felix.
We won, Felix, we won!
The second prize goes
to Miss Barbara Arcola
for her shrimp diablo.
Excuse me, Judge.
There's been a mistake.
What?
Please.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my assistant and I
won for beef stew.
But we didn't set out
to make beef stew.
It was a fluke.
We did it to save a roast.
And that isn't fair to all the
other fine culinary experts.
I relinquish my prize
to the runner-up.
I do this because
cooking is my love.
And I cannot accept any
award I haven't won honestly.
Because in this world, where
there's lying and cheating
and stealing in
every walk of life...
Felix, you made your point.
I say, can't we at least
have honesty in the kitchen?
Magnificent!
Ow! Ow!
Oscar?
( sighing ): Oh... Oscar.
Hey, Felix, old buddy,
how you feeling?
Oh, I'm exhausted.
I put in the most
tiring day at my studio.
Oh...
Just let me get my
breath and I'll fix dinner.
Felix, you don't
have to fix anything.
Tonight you're
going to be treated
to the Oscar Madison specialty.
You cooked dinner?
Yeah, but like you said,
it's not what you present,
but how you present it, right?
Well, I'm going to give
you such a presentation.
I'm telling you...
Oscar Madison presents
his new tomato surprise.
Hi, Felix.
Sharon!
Oh, oh... Okay, let's do it.
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o... ♪
Mmm.
♪ And in that gravy,
he needed salt ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪
Felix, keep it down, will ya?
I'm trying to write something
that could mean a
lot of money to me.
Writing your column
for the paper?
No, I'm writing to Blanche
asking her to lower her alimony.
Mmm.
Oscar, taste this.
For the last three days,
it's been, "Oscar, taste
this, Oscar, taste this."
Oscar, taste this.
No! I weighed my tongue this
morning, it weighed 22 pounds.
I have to test my recipe
on somebody, don't I?
You want me to win the
cooking contest, don't you?
Yeah, win, win, win already.
The semifinal is this afternoon.
Standing before you may be
the winner of the Golden Apron.
Good. How do you
spell "destitute"?
D-e-s... Never mind,
I'll write "broke."
Big words always make her mad.
First prize is a new
kitchen worth $1,389.
That's exactly what I need:
A brand-new kitchen
to make my bologna
sandwiches in.
Even "broke" doesn't work!
Needs something.
"Dear Blanche...
"Blanche...
"Please note that
I have not included
"your monthly alimony check.
"However, I have
enclosed the three 10s
"that caused me to lose
this month's alimony.
Sincerely yours, Oscar Madison."
( Felix yelps )
Oscar, come here!
I refuse to taste
any more gravies.
It's my arm!
You cooked your arm?
What are you pointing at?
Don't start with "we got
to wash the ceiling" again.
I reached for the mustard,
and I pulled my arm,
I can't get it down.
Again?
I know.
See, this always happens
when you're nervous.
If it's not your
arm, it's your back.
If it's not your back...
It's a nerve in my neck.
Okay, you do this a
couple more times,
I can get a
chiropractor's license.
I can't win a golden
apron with one hand.
I think I got it. Hmm?
The spot.
Go, go, go.
( yelps ) ( cracking )
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Oh, thanks.
How can you pull
a muscle cooking?
You know why I'm so excited?
I think I found the perfect
ingredient for my gravy.
Another gravy.
You better leave me
out of the gravy, Felix.
I've got a whole battle plan.
This afternoon,
at the semifinals
I'm gonna dazzle them
with my fancy tuna casserole.
What do I do, applaud
or wave a napkin?
Listen to my strategy.
Then, at the finals, all
the other contestants
will pull out all the stops
with fancy continental cooking.
By the time the
judges get to me,
their taste buds will be cloyed.
And then I hit them with
a simple American classic.
You're going to
make a TV dinner?
Will you be serious?
Roast beef.
It could win!
And the clincher...
is Gravy à la Felix.
The secret ingredient...
I can hardly wait.
A cup of beer and a
teaspoon of dry mustard.
Felix, my only interest
in beer and mustard
is with a hot dog.
( whispers ): Taste.
( whispers ): No.
I refuse to accept that.
You refuse to accept?!
Would you accept if I
poured it down your back?
I have no time to play games.
Taste it, I respect
your opinion.
That's the worst
thing I ever tasted.
What do you know?
( doorbell buzzing )
That's my friends
from the contest.
Open the door, will
you? I've got to get ready!
Felix, you're going to ruin
my life with this cooking.
You think that's
all I got to do?
"Answer the door,
taste this, taste that."
You taste all the gravies
you get to look
like an elephant.
I hate cooks! I hate cooking!
I hate everything
connected with it.
Hi. Is Felix here?
Come on in.
I can't tell you how closely
I have followed
the cooking contest.
It's fascinating.
It's absolutely fascinating.
Oh, you must be Oscar.
Felix told us all about you.
Yeah, but he didn't
tell me about you.
I'm Sharon and that's Doria.
Hi. Hi.
We're going to
the cooking contest
and we came to pick up Felix.
Yeah, well, he'll be ready
in a couple of minutes.
I'll bet your husbands
are very excited
about the new recipes
you're coming up with.
Sharon's not married, only me.
Oh, I see.
Well, why don't we sit
down and chat about that?
You, too, honey, right there.
Your roommate,
Felix, is so, so sexy.
He is?
The way he tosses a match
on the cherries flame-ay.
He flings it in with
such confidence.
It turns me on.
Tossing a match turns you on?
Oscar? You know
where my brown tie is?
Yeah, in my room, buddy,
In my room, I borrowed it.
Be right with you, girls.
What a voice.
And he cooks, too.
Yeah, well, look,
you girls just sit here.
Don't move for one...
Tossing a match turns you on?
Felix. Felix! Felix.
There's my brown
tie, in your brown shoe.
Oh, yeah, I put it there so
I'd remember they match.
Felix, I know this
is gonna sound silly,
but I'd like to come
down there and watch you,
you know, cheer you on.
Aren't you afraid the
guys will tease you?
No, I changed my mind.
Come on, I tasted your
stupid gravy, didn't I?
I helped fix your arm, didn't I?
Can I come with you now?
I want to meet the girls.
Yeah, yeah, that's
your interest in cooking.
You want to meet girls.
What are friends for?
This mirror needs
a windshield wiper.
And I'll tell you what,
I'll even help you to cook.
The girls said you could
have an assistant in the finals.
I'll be your assistant.
You may come.
But understand this.
When Felix Unger stands
before a flame with a sauce pan,
he's a solo artist.
Thank you, Mister Six.
Do you have a
friend in this con...
Ow!
Ladies and gentlemen.
The judges have
arrived at a decision.
The winners...
of the casserole event are...
Numbers one... six... and eight.
( audience applauding )
The Williamson Flour Company
congratulates
our three finalists.
As you know, you are to
come back tomorrow night
to compete for the
Golden Apron Award
and to win the all-
new electric kitchen.
Worth... $1,389, uh... plus tax.
To all the others,
a set of cookware
and our new book,
Fun With Flour.
( audience applauding )
FELIX: Barbara, very
much congratulations to you.
Aw, I'm sorry.
Well, we all can't be winners.
Congratulations.
You're a real competitor.
Felix. Excuse me.
Listen, I want you to
introduce me to number eight.
Huh?
Yeah, tomato surprise.
She's been smiling
at me all evening.
Aren't you going
to congratulate me?
Oh, yes, congratulations, pal.
Come on, let's meet her.
She even waved a ladle at me.
I think she likes me.
I know her.
Good, I'd like to
know her... Felix!
Mmm.
You were magnificent.
Thank you, Sharon.
I'm sorry you didn't
make the finals.
Oh, that's all right.
We are going to go out
together soon, aren't we, Felix?
Yes.
Wait right here.
I'm going to wash the
mayonnaise off my hands,
so I can write down
my phone number.
Don't go away.
I won't.
Felix, you were gorgeous.
Thank you, thank you.
Just gorgeous.
Thank you, Dorie.
You get them all, don't ya?
Well, come on, let's
meet number eight.
That's Barbara Arcola.
I don't think it's a good
idea for you to meet her.
Felix, what are you doing?
You want them all for yourself?
No, no, it's just that...
What does that mean?
Congratulations, Mr. Unger.
Oh, I'll handle it myself.
Thank you, sir.
Hello. I'm Oscar Madison.
I'm a friend of
tuna the casserole?
You know, Felix Unger?
Yes, I know who you are.
I'm Barbara Arcola.
How are you?
Over the years,
we had several men
win the Golden
Apron Cooking award.
This time,
you're the only one
to reach the finals!
Do you think you could
defend the title for the men?
I'll do my best.
Doesn't matter whether
you win or lose...
It's how you ladle the gravy.
( laughing )
The gravy!
OSCAR: Felix! Where's
the king of the kitchen?
Doing the laundry.
Felix, today you were
king of the casserole,
tomorrow, the world!
I looked for you after the
contest and you were gone.
Where were you?
I had to take Barbara Arcola out
for a cup of coffee.
Don't get mad, I
had to take her out.
Yeah? What did she say?
A lot of things.
And I want to tell you,
your word is magic
amongst the cooking chefs.
See, she knew we were friends,
but when I told her
we were roommates,
she was mine!
I thought so.
I'm going to her house tonight.
I don't want you
to go out with her.
What are you talking about?
What did you do, hit
yourself in the head
with one of your frying pans?
No, I'm serious.
Everybody down at the
contest knows all about her.
Good, I like a girl
that's been around.
She's known as
"Béarnaise Barbara."
You say that like you expect
a whole western town to freeze.
What are you talking about?
She was accused...
Now, I can't prove this...
But she was accused of stealing
another contestant's
recipe for Béarnaise sauce.
Now do you see why she
wants to go out with you?
She wants to steal my
Béarnaise sauce recipe?
Felix, maybe she wants me.
Did you ever stop
to think of that?
No! She wants my secret gravy
for the finals tomorrow.
She's trying to get
at me through you.
Well, I'm sorry, Felix,
I have a date with her.
I'll be in her house soon
and the temperature
will be 300 degrees.
Ciao, king.
Cooking contests are a jungle.
Mmm, boy, this is the life.
You know, that's one of
the best meals I ever had.
Oh, Oscar, you're
just saying that.
You must eat very well
with Felix doing your cooking.
Oh, yeah, Felix is a great cook.
But somehow, food tastes better
when you're sitting
next to a gorgeous girl.
Mouths are good for other things
besides tasting food, too.
Mmm. I'll pour you a coffee.
Mmm, mmm.
You're a friendly little thing,
you know that?
Felix didn't even
want me to come here.
Why not?
Oh. Oh, nothing, it's nothing.
No, tell me.
Mind you, he's
getting a little paranoid
about this chef stuff...
Oh, it's not even
worth bringing up.
No, come on, tell me.
He thinks you want
his secret gravy recipe.
Oh, that's silly.
I invited you to my
house, not a recipe.
That's exactly what I told him.
I mean, your roommate
is very talented,
but he's just making a roast.
How you know
he's making a roast?
We all announced to the judges
what we were
making for the finals.
Oscar, you're suspicious of me!
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, you believe
what Felix and the others
are saying about me...
"Béarnaise Barbara."
I don't even know
what a Béarnaise is.
I trust you, honest,
I really do trust you.
No, you don't.
I do.
Look, I'll prove
that I trust you.
I'll tell you Felix's
stupid recipe.
He-he's using a cup of beer
and a teaspoon of dry mustard.
Hey. Now, would I confide
in somebody I didn't trust?
No.
Then let's go back
to where we were.
Hmm... let's not
bring it to a boil, Oscar.
I mean, things are better
if you let them simmer awhile.
You make me sound
like a can of onion soup.
I mean, why rush things, Oscar?
And besides, I've got
to get up early tomorrow
to get ready for the contest.
I think you better go, hmm?
It's kind of late.
When am I gonna see you again?
Oh, soon.
Hey, tomorrow night
after the cooking thing?
Hmm, very possible.
( whistling )
Listen, most girls don't
even care about cooking.
How did you get
so involved in it?
I don't know, I needed a way
to use up my excess energy.
Excess energy?
What about I see you
tomorrow morning?
I'll sit outside the door,
and when I hear your alarm,
I'll come in with a
paper between my teeth.
I'll bark a lot.
Good night, Oscar. Good night.
Look at this.
Who is it?
Superintendent.
The napkin was...
Oh! No, I'll
get it, I'll get it.
"Cup of beer, teaspoon
of dry mustard."
Oscar, Oscar,
Oscar, how could you?
I don't know, Felix.
One minute, her
lips were on my lips.
The next minute, your
recipe was on my lips.
She tricked you.
I know.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar.
Aw, wait a minute, Felix,
let's not get carried away.
I mean I didn't give away
the secret to the hydrogen bomb.
It was just a
stupid gravy recipe.
Just a stupid gravy recipe.
It's only worth a
Golden Apron to me,
and a new kitchen worth $1,389.
Well, it just didn't
seem that important.
It didn't seem important to you!
It's important to me!
Aren't you my friend?
Does that mean nothing to you?
Does now.
It is now after 12:00.
I'm so tired I could drop.
My nerves are at
the breaking point.
My arm is killing me.
But I'm going in that kitchen,
and I'm going to make a
new gravy recipe if I die.
Seems to me the least
you could say is you're sorry.
I'm sorry, Felix.
Hmm.
Being sorry solves nothing.
FELIX: Barbara Arcola.
I know her kind.
Tried every trick in the
book on Felix Unger,
but it's not going to work.
( grunting )
Oscar!
Oscar?
Oscar.
Oscar.
Don't hit me, Felix, I didn't...
I told you not to reach.
I know, I know.
All right, I've got the spot.
I can't bring it down.
It's like a rock.
Take a deep breath.
Oh!
It's all in your head, Felix.
Oscar.
What?
I can't move my arms.
So what? They're both down.
Yeah, but I can't get them up.
It must be that nerve
in my neck. Oh, my!
You've got to learn
to relax, Felix, relax.
I'm in a cooking
contest with no arms.
Oh, isn't that great?
If I won the Golden Apron,
I wouldn't be able to
tie it around my waist.
Just take it easy,
I'll call the doctor.
No! No doctor!
Because I know what he'll do.
He'll put me in
traction like last time.
Then I won't be able
to be in the finals.
Okay, look, sit down.
Remember, Halloween?
We tried, remember?
You were stuck, Halloween?
You still went
trick-or-treating.
We got lucky, maybe
we'll do it again tonight.
All right? You
ready? Piece of cake.
It's unbelievable.
Now you tell me if this hurts.
I'm a maniac, I'm crazy.
I don't know what I'm doing.
( grunting )
Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
One more time,
remember Halloween.
Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, Oscar,
I'm a raving maniac.
Now the big hurt.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
( grunting )
Oscar!
Felix?
Felix!
You all right, Felix?
Why don't you kill me?
You've tried everything else.
Don't go into one of
those deep depressions.
I'm not.
It's all my fault, huh?
I didn't know the contest
meant that much to you.
No, it's silly, but I've never
won anything in my life.
Oh, in school once I won
a trophy in a spelling bee.
I was the only one in class
who knew how to spell zeppelin.
You won awards
for your photography.
Once I won a first
place with that picture
of slum living conditions
in New York City.
You never told me you won that.
I was ashamed.
I won it with a
picture of your room.
Oh, what's the difference?
On my tombstone, they'll write
"Here lies a man who
could spell zeppelin."
Felix, you're going
to win that contest.
( tearfully ): I can't
move my arms.
I'll be your arms.
You're allowed
an assistant, right?
I'll be the assistant.
I'll do the cooking for you!
Oh, you don't have
to thank me, Felix.
What a great... BOTH: Ow!
No.
No funny hats.
Too bad to hear about
your accident, Mr. Unger,
but I'm so glad
you found a helper.
Yes, sir, thank you.
Well, you know the
rules, Mr. Madison.
It was so very kind
of you to help out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are ready to
start the finals.
OSCAR: Hey,
we're on a time limit.
We better hustle.
I don't know if this is
going to work, Oscar.
We've settled that.
You give the orders.
You tell me what
to do, I'll just do it.
Well, for openers, your
apron's on backwards.
Oscar.
What do you want?
You want to borrow
some beer and mustard?
Give me a couple hugs,
I'll let you have
the whole roast.
Mr. Unger... I
don't want to stand
next to the same stove
as you, Miss Arcola.
I came to apologize.
Please, let me explain.
What's to explain?
You did the worst
thing a woman could do,
you tried to take
advantage of the fact
that I was trying to
take advantage of you.
I thought the whole thing over,
and it was a stupid thing to do.
You see, my
boyfriend, Sam, thinks
I'm a rotten cook,
because Rhoda, who used to
go out with Sam, was a great cook.
So when I invited Sam over
for dinner with Dick and
Pat, who also know Rhoda,
I made a fool of myself
because I couldn't
cook as well as Rhoda.
So I thought if I
could win this award,
I'd show Sam I could
cook as well as Rhoda,
and I thought if I could
win an all-new kitchen unit
he might even marry me.
He's been so cold to me.
I got as far as Sam and Dick.
I couldn't sleep all night.
I can't win by cheating.
Mr. Unger, I promise not
to use your gravy recipe.
I'm going to do
it all on my own.
That's all I wanted to say.
( tearfully ): I'm sorry.
That's the saddest
thing I ever heard.
Yeah.
Imagine, she's got a boyfriend.
I was going to
ask her out again.
After she tricked you?
Sure, I don't hold a grudge
against a figure like that.
You're hopeless.
But at least I can go
back to my original gravy.
What do I do, chief?
Well, I want those
potatoes mashed.
I'll check my ingredients.
I'll never complain about
mashed potatoes
again being lumpy.
Oscar.
What?
Pick up the electric knife.
Oh, good. I like
to work with this.
What do I do?
Turn it on.
Now press it
against your throat.
Okay, Felix, the roast is ready.
I tied it just like
you told me to.
That's how you tie a roast?
I said tie it, not
take it prisoner.
I've seen mummies
wrapped looser than that.
I'll take off some string.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
What is that? What is that?
I ran out of string.
That's my shoelace.
Well, I sterilized it.
That's it. Call the judges.
Judges, I'm quitting!
Felix!
I don't want to be here
when you ladle the
gravy with your shoe.
Oh, come on, Felix,
give me a chance.
I'm just learning.
We're going to be a
great cooking team.
Come on, please.
All right. But now
anything you do,
you must tell me beforehand.
I promise. Okay.
Turning right,
going to the stove.
Picking up the boiling potatoes
and burning fingers on hot pot.
Yelling, "Ow."
Ow!
I'm going to scrape the carrots.
Not with the electric knife.
Oh, I like to use this thing.
I cut the fat away from the
roast good with it, didn't I?
Like Jack-The-Ripper.
Scrape with this
little knife here.
This one?
Did I say "whittle"?
I said "scrape."
Like that?
That's "scrape."
Okay. Good.
Where's the eagle?
Where's the eagle?
You going to cook an eagle?
No, it's to decorate.
The classic American
roast, take these.
A meal should
not only taste good,
it should look good.
The way you're
cooking that roast,
we'll not only need the eagle,
we're going to need you
standing there singing
"Columbia, The
Gem of The Ocean."
Slow and easy,
nothing to be afraid of.
Now close the
door with your foot.
( sniffing ): Not bad, not bad.
Put her down.
I think I can cover
the rope burns
with bay leaves.
Now we're gonna pour off
the juice and make gravy, right?
In a minute, first we're
going to stir some flour
into the gravy.
Okay.
Not with the electric knife.
I like this thing.
Get the flour and a tablespoon.
And a tablespoon.
Now you sprinkle a
tablespoon of flour into the gravy.
( knife buzzing )
What's that sound?
I left the electric knife on.
Oh!
Oh, no.
It's stuck.
You're mutilating my roast!
Eh, it's all right.
Look at that!
How can I serve that
with a gaping
hole like that in it?
Look, I'll shove...
No, you won't!
I wouldn't permit
the American eagle
to sit on a mess like that.
You mean you can't serve it?
Of course not! It
has to be perfect!
JUDGE: Ten minutes to go.
Pick me up.
What?
Pick me up, do as I say.
Take me over to the
pepper on the table.
Lower me, lower me.
Pick me up, take me to the salt.
Closer, closer.
Higher, higher.
That's it.
Pick me up.
Pick you up, put you
down, what, what?
Take me back to the meat.
You going to use
the electric knife now?
No, get me a ladle!
But is that allowed?
I don't know.
Here we go.
Higher, higher, okay.
I need a bowl.
A bowl.
No, not there, over here, yes...
Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of the Golden
Apron cooking award
is Mr. Felix Unger
for his old favorite
American beef stew
with Gravy à la Felix.
We won, Felix, we won!
The second prize goes
to Miss Barbara Arcola
for her shrimp diablo.
Excuse me, Judge.
There's been a mistake.
What?
Please.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my assistant and I
won for beef stew.
But we didn't set out
to make beef stew.
It was a fluke.
We did it to save a roast.
And that isn't fair to all the
other fine culinary experts.
I relinquish my prize
to the runner-up.
I do this because
cooking is my love.
And I cannot accept any
award I haven't won honestly.
Because in this world, where
there's lying and cheating
and stealing in
every walk of life...
Felix, you made your point.
I say, can't we at least
have honesty in the kitchen?
Magnificent!
Ow! Ow!
Oscar?
( sighing ): Oh... Oscar.
Hey, Felix, old buddy,
how you feeling?
Oh, I'm exhausted.
I put in the most
tiring day at my studio.
Oh...
Just let me get my
breath and I'll fix dinner.
Felix, you don't
have to fix anything.
Tonight you're
going to be treated
to the Oscar Madison specialty.
You cooked dinner?
Yeah, but like you said,
it's not what you present,
but how you present it, right?
Well, I'm going to give
you such a presentation.
I'm telling you...
Oscar Madison presents
his new tomato surprise.
Hi, Felix.
Sharon!
Oh, oh... Okay, let's do it.