The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 15 - The Hideaway - full transcript
While Oscar thinks his Eskimo friend would make a great quarterback, Felix wants him to follow his cello talents.
Who was that?
Who was what?
The furry object you
just put back there.
Nobody. It was nobody.
You put a polar bear
in the guest room
and you say that's nobody?
Oh, Felix, I was going
to spring it on you gently,
but you got to
promise to keep it quiet.
The kid in there
is Ernie Wilson.
I'll keep it quiet.
Good.
Who's Ernie Wilson?
Who's Ernie Wilson?
He just happens to be
the greatest quarterback
in college football
today, that's all.
Why does he dress so funny?
He's not dressed
funny, he's an Alaskan.
He's the greatest
Eskimo athlete of all time.
So what's the big secret?
Felix, he just
graduated from college,
which means he's
ready for pro football,
which means that every pro
team in the country wants him.
Which means he's
worth about $1 million.
Then why can't he
afford a hotel room?
Felix, every team in the
country is pressuring him to sign.
He came to me for advice
because he's confused.
If he came to you for advice,
he must be very confused.
That's very clever.
It just so happens, I'm the one
who discovered
him at Alaska A&M.
I used to write about
him in my column.
His college statistics
are staggering.
He could run the 100-yard
dash in 9:06... in snowshoes!
So, Ernie's staying
with us a couple days.
Well, I have to make
sure he gets the right deal,
before he signs
with a team, don't I?
What's your cut?
Felix.
Oh, I'm sure your motives
are beyond reproach.
You're a friend, an older man,
who wants to help him, get
the happiness that's truly his.
That's it exactly.
What's your cut?
Ten percent.
Oscar.
Felix, I wanted to do it for
nothing, but Ernie insisted.
You want your merit badge
now or at the jamboree?
You don't seem to understand,
this is a big
chance for the kid.
Now if he listens
to the right person,
he could make a lot of money.
But if he listens to
the wrong advice,
why he could be used,
he could be twisted,
he could even end up in
the hands of gangsters.
Do I look dumb?
I don't believe that.
Well, you better believe it.
They've already
tried to contact him.
Felix, just because
they wear plaid suits
and they have
houses in the suburbs,
doesn't mean they've
changed their work habits.
Didn't you read The Godfather?
No, of course not,
I put it down when it
reached the violent part.
Well, their national pastime
is still trying to
fix ball games.
You see? Now you're
mixed up with hoodlums!
You're going to get hurt!
Are you listening to me?
Felix, don't be silly.
There's nothing
really to worry about.
Just make sure that all the
doors and windows are locked.
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Felix, I figured it's
time you two met.
Ernie, Felix Unger.
Felix, Ernie Wilson.
Hello, Mr. Unger.
Nice to meet you, Ernie.
Call me Felix.
Have a strong grip, haven't you?
Guess that comes from
years of making snowballs.
You don't care for jokes
about coming from Alaska?
I get lots of them.
Like, uh, being called
"Frosty the Snowman."
Or saying that, uh,
I shouldn't sign
with a southern team
because hot weather might
make me melt, you know.
Those were some of the
best gags in my column.
Look, I got to get down to work,
get the ball rolling and
make you a rich man, huh?
Felix.
You keep your eye
on him all the time,
and keep the doors and
windows locked, okay?
You two get to know each other.
Sala ba tuit.
Ta.
What's that? "Ta"?
Oh, that means
good-bye in Eskimo.
Old Oscar there, he,
he's really learned it.
Well, make yourself at home.
Want to have a snowball fight?
I did it again, I, I'm sorry.
You hungry?
No.
I can open a can of sardines.
I hate fish.
I hated it ever since
I was a little kid.
See, in Alaska, that's all
Eskimo babies eat, you know...
Strained cod, strained salmon,
strained herring.
Blubber.
No, not too much blubber.
It's horrible.
Yeah.
You want some shish kebab?
I've got shish kebab ready.
Okay.
Pour yourself a glass
of milk in the ice box.
I guess you don't get
much milk up there, do you?
No, sir.
Not a very good
climate for cows.
I guess the milk would
come out ice cream.
I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Boy, that was great.
How could you tell?
You know, football
gives you a big appetite.
And in Alaska, you have
to eat all your food quick.
Before it freezes.
That's right, yeah.
I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Well, um, I think
I'll go for a walk.
No, no, you don't
want to do that.
Why not?
It's dangerous out there.
Muggers.
Sir, I'm not afraid of muggers.
Heck, when I'm
playing ball, you know,
sometimes I'm in there
against guys 300 pounds
clutching at my throat.
They carry switchblades?
( doorbell buzzing )
I'll get it, you stay here.
Eat another shish kebab.
I'm looking for Ernie Wilson.
I never heard of him.
I heard he's here.
How could anybody be
here I never heard of?
You Ernie Wilson?
Yes, sir.
Might be a different
Ernie Wilson.
You Ernie the Eskimo?
Yes, sir.
I was told I'd find you here.
I'm Effram Goodchild.
From the Eastern
Conservatory of Music.
Eastern Conservatory of Music?
What do you want with Ernie?
We'd like to have him
as one of our students.
The Eastern Conservatory
has a football team?
Oh, no.
We do have a very
husky bassoon player,
but he's hardly a team.
Listen, Ernie, we know
you're a very gifted athlete.
We also know you
have musical talent.
And are prepared to offer
you a full musical scholarship.
A scholarship!
Are you a, a prodigy?
No, I'm not a prodigy.
Oh, he's being modest.
Actually, I understand
he's a very gifted cellist.
No kidding, you never told
us you were a gifted cellist.
Well, it's not the sort of thing
that comes up in normal
conversation, you know.
Listen, Ernie, I know
it's a difficult decision.
But we hope you'll see
your way clear to consider us.
Well... I don't
know... I mean...
I understand.
Take a little
time, think it over.
Well, as Schumann, the
clown of classical music
always said before
he left the room
"I'll be Bach."
Schumann, the clown
of classical music?
Ernie, I never dreamed
you were a musician.
Well, I know I don't
look like a cello player.
Not just a cello player, The
Eastern Conservatory of Music
doesn't offer scholarships
to just cello players
only to very gifted musicians.
Well...
You are going to
consider it aren't you?
Well, I'll think about it.
Look, I don't want
to put down football,
but to be a symphonic musician,
that's, that's, that's
a different world.
Yeah, it's always been one
of my dreams, you know?
Then do it!
Well, suppose I'm
not very good at it?
You're good enough
for Ephram Goodchild.
If you're good
enough for Goodchild,
you ought to be
good enough for, uh...
Aw, come on, think
about it, won't ya?
Yeah, I will.
Oh, great! You want
something to eat?
Yeah, let's go see
what you got in the refrig.
No, I don't want you
to look in my icebox.
Might make you homesick.
I'm sorry.
Felix!
Oh, there you are.
Felix, you wouldn't believe it.
I've been on the phone all day.
I got three firm
offers for Ernie.
All of them unbelievable.
The best one came
from Slim Daniels,
so I told him we'd take it.
Slim Daniels. Mm-hmm.
The old cowboy star?
Yeah.
What's he got to
do with football?
Are you kidding,
besides owning hotels,
chicken franchises,
mod boutiques,
he owns the Fort
Worth Longhorns.
That's a football team.
Big deal.
Boy, it's cold in here.
I turned up the
air conditioning,
I thought it would
make Ernie feel at home.
Where is he? He's
in his room, resting.
Good, listen, I'm gonna
finalize the deal tonight,
go over the details with
Ernie tomorrow morning.
He's going to be one
very rich fellow... uh-huh.
Okay, Felix, what's wrong?
Why should anything be wrong?
You're changing shelf paper.
When I get upset, I kick things.
When you get upset,
you change shelf paper.
Maybe the paper needs changing.
Come on, Felix,
you just changed it.
And remember when
your ex-wife left you?
You changed the kitchen
shelf paper so often
even the ants got confused.
All right, I'm upset.
You want to know why I'm upset?
Your ex-wife stopped by today.
Boy, it's cold in here.
What's the matter, Felix?
It's you.
You've slammed the
door in the face of decency.
I've slammed the door
in the face of decency?
Felix!
Now what is that
supposed to mean?
Only that you're
totally insensitive.
Will you tell me
what's bugging you?
That young man back there
has placed his future
completely in your hands,
but you don't care,
all you care about is what's
in it for Oscar Madison.
That's not true, Felix.
Now I'm doing it for sports!
I'm doing it for football!
Ernie could be a
sensational athlete!
The world doesn't
stop at kickoff time.
Where you going?
To rent a cello.
You're going to rent a cello?
Why are you going
to rent a cello?
Because that's what he plays.
Ernie plays a cello?
That's right.
Does he play it well?
He's been offered
a full scholarship
by the Eastern
Conservatory of Music.
Wow, and that's why
you're mad at me?
The Eastern
Conservatory of Music
only offers scholarships
to gifted musicians.
Yeah, but Felix, what
are you trying to tell me?
That Ernie Wilson would
rather be a concert cellist,
than a professional
football player.
How do you know that?
I can feel it.
Yeah? How much does it pay?
If Ernie Wilson makes it
in a symphony orchestra,
it will open the door for
other young Eskimos.
Other young Eskimos
will receive a message
of human dignity
that they'd never have
considered otherwise.
And they'll owe it
all to Ernie Wilson.
And maybe to Oscar Madison.
Oh, I don't know, Felix.
Oscar, this is the big leagues.
It's bases loaded,
two outs, ten yard line,
Oscar Madison's on the foul line
awaiting a free shoot.
Felix, every time
you talk sports,
my ulcer acts up.
You're really serious
about this, huh?
All right, go on
and rent a cello.
And while you're there,
pick up a bulletproof
vest for me, will you?
I hope you're kidding.
No, I'm gonna make
a lot of enemies
when certain people find
out that Ernie's not for sale.
You're making me
very proud of you. Yeah.
Underneath that wrinkled shirt,
you're fallible.
( playing discordant notes )
I thought your sinuses
were bothering you again.
Isn't this a beauty?
Is it good enough?
The man at the music store said
it's the same
model Casalls plays.
Yeah, but is it good
enough for Ernie?
Casalls is the Joe
Namath of strings.
Yeah, well, I'll leave
that stuff to you.
Right now, I have
to unmake a deal.
Hey, Felix, you know, I'm glad
that Ernie chose
music instead of football,
and I can't wait
to tell Slim Daniels
that Ernie's not for sale.
That guy thinks the
whole world is for sale.
You know, giving up all that
money, that had to bother you.
I admire you more
than I can tell you.
No, it didn't bother me at all.
In fact, I feel good about it.
Felix, this is the first
decent thing I've done
since I gave
Blanche her divorce.
I'm off to get Ernie out
of the football business.
If you don't hear from me,
please, notify my
next of kin, will you?
How does it feel to be
a budding concert artist?
Well, to tell you the
truth, I don't know.
I mean, it's all
happened so fast.
Yeah. The transition
from the locker room
to Carnegie Hall
is... Yeah, just a little.
Listen, I want you to know
how much I appreciate
everything you and
Oscar are doing for me.
We're not doing
anything for you.
You're doing it all.
Go ahead, practice.
All right.
( plays note ) You
want something to eat?
You want me to fix
you a tuna casserole?
No, thank you.
I prefer not to have any fish.
That's right, you
don't like fish.
Go ahead, practice.
How about a sandwich?
No, thank you.
You want some
eggs? Bacon and eggs.
Um, I'll just have a
glass of milk, please.
You got it.
( cello playing poignant tune )
( cello playing sour notes )
( cello playing
more sour notes )
( honking )
( stops playing )
It's just a rented cello.
I guess you're used
to a better one, huh?
Oh, no, sir, this is the
best cello I ever had.
How's the rosin?
It's fine.
And the bow?
Perfect.
I suppose when
you lay off for a while
it-it takes some time
to warm up, huh?
Well, some-some cellists
have that problem, but not me.
You see, the first lesson
an Alaskan musician learns
is he's got to warm up fast.
You're all warmed up?
All grooving and swingy.
Carry on.
( resumes playing )
( playing sour notes )
( playing sour notes )
Hello, may I speak to
Mr. Effram Goodchild, please?
( playing sour notes )
( honking )
Mr. Goodchild?
This is Felix Unger.
Could I trouble you to
come over right away?
Thank you, and would you
please use the kitchen entrance?
( sour notes continue )
Yeah. That's what
I said, Mr. Daniels.
Ernie's not going
to play pro ball.
Oh, take it easy, will you?
Now he wants to
pursue a music career.
He's a gifted cellist.
Ah, it's a big fiddle,
you hold it betw...
Oh! He thinks it's a
hog calling contest.
Uh, uh, uh, you can yodel all
you want, he's not available.
I don't care if you
hired a polar bear
for Ernie to wrestle at
halftime, he's not available!
Besides, that's not
what he wants to do.
He wants to play in a symphony,
in a place like the
Hollywood Bowl.
You'll buy the Hollywood Bowl?
Anyway, he's not available, no.
Same to you, old buddy.
You go sit on a
red-hot branding iron.
( playing sour notes )
Well?
I hardly know what to say.
( honking )
What is that noise?
My sinuses, they start acting
up when I hear this stuff.
Well, you're the musical expert.
Isn't that terrible
cello playing?
Uh, he may be
wearing his mittens.
It sure is chilly in here.
He's not wearing his mittens.
Then as a musical
expert, I would say
that is terrible cello playing.
I don't understand, how can
you offer him a scholarship
when you've heard
playing like that?
The fact is, Mr. Unger,
we never actually
heard the lad play.
You never heard him play?
No, but it really doesn't
make much difference.
You see, Ernie Wilson
may not play well,
but he's the only Eskimo
cellist we found who plays at all.
You mean you offered
him a scholarship
because he's an Eskimo.
I think that's terrible.
A man should have a
chance because of his abilities
not because of his
ethnic background.
Well, I know, but
it's a beginning.
Out of these minority students,
a classical musician
may come out of it.
That's the breakthrough
we're looking for.
What about the Eskimos
who don't make it?
What about the Eskimos who think
they have talent because you let them in?
What are you going
to do, get them jobs
playing organ in
an ice-skating rink?
Please, Mr. Unger,
it's not our fault.
We're merely
victims of the system.
Well, I think it's
a rotten system.
And you're not going
to get Ernie Wilson.
He's one victim your
rotten system can't have.
Now, I'll thank you to
please leave my house.
You may have something to
eat if you wish before you leave,
but you're going
to have to leave.
( sour notes continue )
Terrible cello playing.
( humming )
Ta-da! The winner and still
champion of the underdog...
Oscar Madison.
Oh, I did it... Felix, I wish
you had been there to hear me.
I told the biggest
guys in sports
that Ernie Wilson
was not for sale.
I even told Slim Daniels to
sit on a red-hot branding iron.
Not many people can
say that to Slim Daniels.
That's nice. Where's Ernie?
I want to tell him
the good news.
I sent him out for
a walk. ( honking )
Good, a walk gets those
musical juices going, right?
( honking )
You're honking, Felix.
That's like changing
shelf paper.
Why are you honking?
What's wrong?
Why are you packing the cello?
I'm taking it back.
But you just rented it.
Why are you taking it
back now? ( coughs )
I'm not going to stand by
and see that kid's heart broken.
Hey, Felix, they
didn't take away
Ernie's scholarship, did they?
Those hypocrites wouldn't
have the decency to do that.
Will you get to the point.
Ernie can't play the cello.
When you say he
can't play the cello,
you don't mean he
can't play the cello.
You mean like his
plucking fingers...
No, the wrist is
sprained from the...
He can't play at all?
He's tone-deaf... and
the school still wants him.
Guess why.
They need a lousy cello player.
Guess again.
They need an
Eskimo cello player.
They want him to be
their token Eskimo.
Right, you know what that means.
That means I could have
had such a sweet deal for him
as a pro football player,
if you hadn't stuck your
allergy-ridden nose into things.
Just because I was wrong,
does that give you
the right to insult me?
What are you
going to tell the kid?
What am I going to tell
him?! ( buzzer sounds )
You better think
of something fast.
Howdy. You Oscar Madison?
No... Sidekick, huh?
No, I'm his roommate. Oh.
I'm Madison.
I assume from the
sequins you're Slim Daniels.
Slim Daniels!
You look different.
What do you mean?
In those old pictures,
you look younger. Felix.
Oh, you don't think I get
the girl anymore, huh?
Don't you let these
gray temples fool you.
Madison, you really got
yourself a nice spread here.
I think maybe I'll buy it.
Boys, make a note of that.
OSCAR: Who are those guys?
My attorney and my accountant.
Please don't sit like that...
It's the only way
I'm comfortable.
So you're the one who told me
to go sit on a
red-hot branding iron.
Figure of speech.
Nobody ever talked to
Slim Daniels that way,
but I'm gonna forgive you
because you're shrewd.
Also, you want Ernie
Wilson on your team?
That's right. Ernie don't
really play the fiddle, does he?
Uh, cello.
Well, what does the kid
want, another $100,000?
A snowmobile? His own talk show?
What, whatever it
is, I'll give it to him.
I'll even give him a
recording contract.
I think I own a record company.
Either that or a radio station.
My accountant will know,
if he don't the attorney will.
Don't make any difference,
I'll buy the one I don't own.
If that's your attorney
and that's your accountant,
who's that guy?
You don't recognize him, huh?
Come down here, little buddy.
Stand alongside of me.
Now take a good look at him.
Go on, little buddy,
tell him who you are.
( clears throat )
Where's your posse?
It's Grubby!
Your old sidekick
from the movies!
That's right, we
take care of our own.
Now, what about Ernie Wilson?
Look, Slim, he's not going
to sign for the highest bidder.
I want him to go where
he'll be appreciated.
He'll be appreciated.
My fans will really
appreciate him.
They're hankering for a winner.
Last week, we lost,
they got so mad, they
hung me and Jack in Effigy.
Who's Jack?
My horse.
Silver Jack, the only
horse in the world
that can count to 12!
Right! Beat Trigger by two.
Now, do we have a deal or not?
I don't know, I have
to talk it over with him.
It's still up to him, you know.
If you get him to sign, Madison,
you're going to make
me one happy buckaroo.
I want to make sure
Ernie's one happy buckaroo.
He will be.
Well, we got to go rehire
a polar bear, just in case.
Hi, fellas.
Hi, Ern.
Ernie, um, Oscar here
wants to tell you that, um...
I like you a lot, Ern.
Oscar means that, Ernie.
Thanks, Felix.
Well, I wanted to
talk to you about, uh...
About the cello.
The cello, yeah.
I wanted to tell you...
Is my cello playing
disturbing you?
Yes. No.
What Oscar's trying to say is,
that you're the kind of person
who sets extremely
high standards for himself.
You're a perfectionist
at anything you do.
Yes, see, that's what makes you
the greatest quarterback
in the country.
Oscar means that sincerely.
OSCAR: Maybe in the world, even.
What Oscar's trying to say is,
that you're not
the kind of person
who would ever accept
second-best at anything.
Well, Felix agrees
with me on that.
That's right.
It sounds like
you're trying to say
I'm a lousy cello player.
Not lousy.
Well, Mr. Goodchild
from the Conservatory
was here today, right?
What did he say?
He said lousy.
No, but he didn't say
you were good, Ernie.
Then why did they
offer me the scholarship?
Oscar and I want
you to know that...
the school still wants you.
They still want
me, and I'm lousy?
Let me take a guess here.
Uh, does the Conservatory
need a token Eskimo?
I know.
I was the only Eskimo
in my fraternity, too.
They felt so guilty,
they even elected me president.
Ernie, no matter what
your ethnic background,
people are going to lie to
you somewhere along the line.
Yeah, but, you know,
I was doing a
little lying, too...
to myself.
I mean, I convinced myself
I was a pretty good
cello player, right.
But I am a good quarterback.
You know it, and
there's nothing wrong
with throwing touchdown passes.
Look at how I'm begging a
man to make $100,000 a year.
For $100,000 a year, I could
take a lot of cello lessons
Right? That's right.
Okay, Oscar, you make
the deal and I'll sign.
Well, Slim Daniels
was just here, and...
Hey, you don't need me
to make any deals for you.
Listen, if I handled it,
you'd probably end up
furnishing your own uniforms.
Get yourself a good lawyer.
Gee, I don't know
how to thank you guys
for everything you've done.
We'd do anything for you.
Anything?
Anything.
Well, would you
turn up the heat?
It's freezing in here.
( on TV ): Ernie Wilson
takes it from center,
he drops back to pass.
He's being blitzed,
can't find anyone open,
he's going to run with it!
Oscar! He's at the 35...
You want me to go
out for the pass? Nope.
Statue of Liberty play. Uh-uh.
What? Bursitis.
Who was what?
The furry object you
just put back there.
Nobody. It was nobody.
You put a polar bear
in the guest room
and you say that's nobody?
Oh, Felix, I was going
to spring it on you gently,
but you got to
promise to keep it quiet.
The kid in there
is Ernie Wilson.
I'll keep it quiet.
Good.
Who's Ernie Wilson?
Who's Ernie Wilson?
He just happens to be
the greatest quarterback
in college football
today, that's all.
Why does he dress so funny?
He's not dressed
funny, he's an Alaskan.
He's the greatest
Eskimo athlete of all time.
So what's the big secret?
Felix, he just
graduated from college,
which means he's
ready for pro football,
which means that every pro
team in the country wants him.
Which means he's
worth about $1 million.
Then why can't he
afford a hotel room?
Felix, every team in the
country is pressuring him to sign.
He came to me for advice
because he's confused.
If he came to you for advice,
he must be very confused.
That's very clever.
It just so happens, I'm the one
who discovered
him at Alaska A&M.
I used to write about
him in my column.
His college statistics
are staggering.
He could run the 100-yard
dash in 9:06... in snowshoes!
So, Ernie's staying
with us a couple days.
Well, I have to make
sure he gets the right deal,
before he signs
with a team, don't I?
What's your cut?
Felix.
Oh, I'm sure your motives
are beyond reproach.
You're a friend, an older man,
who wants to help him, get
the happiness that's truly his.
That's it exactly.
What's your cut?
Ten percent.
Oscar.
Felix, I wanted to do it for
nothing, but Ernie insisted.
You want your merit badge
now or at the jamboree?
You don't seem to understand,
this is a big
chance for the kid.
Now if he listens
to the right person,
he could make a lot of money.
But if he listens to
the wrong advice,
why he could be used,
he could be twisted,
he could even end up in
the hands of gangsters.
Do I look dumb?
I don't believe that.
Well, you better believe it.
They've already
tried to contact him.
Felix, just because
they wear plaid suits
and they have
houses in the suburbs,
doesn't mean they've
changed their work habits.
Didn't you read The Godfather?
No, of course not,
I put it down when it
reached the violent part.
Well, their national pastime
is still trying to
fix ball games.
You see? Now you're
mixed up with hoodlums!
You're going to get hurt!
Are you listening to me?
Felix, don't be silly.
There's nothing
really to worry about.
Just make sure that all the
doors and windows are locked.
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Felix, I figured it's
time you two met.
Ernie, Felix Unger.
Felix, Ernie Wilson.
Hello, Mr. Unger.
Nice to meet you, Ernie.
Call me Felix.
Have a strong grip, haven't you?
Guess that comes from
years of making snowballs.
You don't care for jokes
about coming from Alaska?
I get lots of them.
Like, uh, being called
"Frosty the Snowman."
Or saying that, uh,
I shouldn't sign
with a southern team
because hot weather might
make me melt, you know.
Those were some of the
best gags in my column.
Look, I got to get down to work,
get the ball rolling and
make you a rich man, huh?
Felix.
You keep your eye
on him all the time,
and keep the doors and
windows locked, okay?
You two get to know each other.
Sala ba tuit.
Ta.
What's that? "Ta"?
Oh, that means
good-bye in Eskimo.
Old Oscar there, he,
he's really learned it.
Well, make yourself at home.
Want to have a snowball fight?
I did it again, I, I'm sorry.
You hungry?
No.
I can open a can of sardines.
I hate fish.
I hated it ever since
I was a little kid.
See, in Alaska, that's all
Eskimo babies eat, you know...
Strained cod, strained salmon,
strained herring.
Blubber.
No, not too much blubber.
It's horrible.
Yeah.
You want some shish kebab?
I've got shish kebab ready.
Okay.
Pour yourself a glass
of milk in the ice box.
I guess you don't get
much milk up there, do you?
No, sir.
Not a very good
climate for cows.
I guess the milk would
come out ice cream.
I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Boy, that was great.
How could you tell?
You know, football
gives you a big appetite.
And in Alaska, you have
to eat all your food quick.
Before it freezes.
That's right, yeah.
I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Well, um, I think
I'll go for a walk.
No, no, you don't
want to do that.
Why not?
It's dangerous out there.
Muggers.
Sir, I'm not afraid of muggers.
Heck, when I'm
playing ball, you know,
sometimes I'm in there
against guys 300 pounds
clutching at my throat.
They carry switchblades?
( doorbell buzzing )
I'll get it, you stay here.
Eat another shish kebab.
I'm looking for Ernie Wilson.
I never heard of him.
I heard he's here.
How could anybody be
here I never heard of?
You Ernie Wilson?
Yes, sir.
Might be a different
Ernie Wilson.
You Ernie the Eskimo?
Yes, sir.
I was told I'd find you here.
I'm Effram Goodchild.
From the Eastern
Conservatory of Music.
Eastern Conservatory of Music?
What do you want with Ernie?
We'd like to have him
as one of our students.
The Eastern Conservatory
has a football team?
Oh, no.
We do have a very
husky bassoon player,
but he's hardly a team.
Listen, Ernie, we know
you're a very gifted athlete.
We also know you
have musical talent.
And are prepared to offer
you a full musical scholarship.
A scholarship!
Are you a, a prodigy?
No, I'm not a prodigy.
Oh, he's being modest.
Actually, I understand
he's a very gifted cellist.
No kidding, you never told
us you were a gifted cellist.
Well, it's not the sort of thing
that comes up in normal
conversation, you know.
Listen, Ernie, I know
it's a difficult decision.
But we hope you'll see
your way clear to consider us.
Well... I don't
know... I mean...
I understand.
Take a little
time, think it over.
Well, as Schumann, the
clown of classical music
always said before
he left the room
"I'll be Bach."
Schumann, the clown
of classical music?
Ernie, I never dreamed
you were a musician.
Well, I know I don't
look like a cello player.
Not just a cello player, The
Eastern Conservatory of Music
doesn't offer scholarships
to just cello players
only to very gifted musicians.
Well...
You are going to
consider it aren't you?
Well, I'll think about it.
Look, I don't want
to put down football,
but to be a symphonic musician,
that's, that's, that's
a different world.
Yeah, it's always been one
of my dreams, you know?
Then do it!
Well, suppose I'm
not very good at it?
You're good enough
for Ephram Goodchild.
If you're good
enough for Goodchild,
you ought to be
good enough for, uh...
Aw, come on, think
about it, won't ya?
Yeah, I will.
Oh, great! You want
something to eat?
Yeah, let's go see
what you got in the refrig.
No, I don't want you
to look in my icebox.
Might make you homesick.
I'm sorry.
Felix!
Oh, there you are.
Felix, you wouldn't believe it.
I've been on the phone all day.
I got three firm
offers for Ernie.
All of them unbelievable.
The best one came
from Slim Daniels,
so I told him we'd take it.
Slim Daniels. Mm-hmm.
The old cowboy star?
Yeah.
What's he got to
do with football?
Are you kidding,
besides owning hotels,
chicken franchises,
mod boutiques,
he owns the Fort
Worth Longhorns.
That's a football team.
Big deal.
Boy, it's cold in here.
I turned up the
air conditioning,
I thought it would
make Ernie feel at home.
Where is he? He's
in his room, resting.
Good, listen, I'm gonna
finalize the deal tonight,
go over the details with
Ernie tomorrow morning.
He's going to be one
very rich fellow... uh-huh.
Okay, Felix, what's wrong?
Why should anything be wrong?
You're changing shelf paper.
When I get upset, I kick things.
When you get upset,
you change shelf paper.
Maybe the paper needs changing.
Come on, Felix,
you just changed it.
And remember when
your ex-wife left you?
You changed the kitchen
shelf paper so often
even the ants got confused.
All right, I'm upset.
You want to know why I'm upset?
Your ex-wife stopped by today.
Boy, it's cold in here.
What's the matter, Felix?
It's you.
You've slammed the
door in the face of decency.
I've slammed the door
in the face of decency?
Felix!
Now what is that
supposed to mean?
Only that you're
totally insensitive.
Will you tell me
what's bugging you?
That young man back there
has placed his future
completely in your hands,
but you don't care,
all you care about is what's
in it for Oscar Madison.
That's not true, Felix.
Now I'm doing it for sports!
I'm doing it for football!
Ernie could be a
sensational athlete!
The world doesn't
stop at kickoff time.
Where you going?
To rent a cello.
You're going to rent a cello?
Why are you going
to rent a cello?
Because that's what he plays.
Ernie plays a cello?
That's right.
Does he play it well?
He's been offered
a full scholarship
by the Eastern
Conservatory of Music.
Wow, and that's why
you're mad at me?
The Eastern
Conservatory of Music
only offers scholarships
to gifted musicians.
Yeah, but Felix, what
are you trying to tell me?
That Ernie Wilson would
rather be a concert cellist,
than a professional
football player.
How do you know that?
I can feel it.
Yeah? How much does it pay?
If Ernie Wilson makes it
in a symphony orchestra,
it will open the door for
other young Eskimos.
Other young Eskimos
will receive a message
of human dignity
that they'd never have
considered otherwise.
And they'll owe it
all to Ernie Wilson.
And maybe to Oscar Madison.
Oh, I don't know, Felix.
Oscar, this is the big leagues.
It's bases loaded,
two outs, ten yard line,
Oscar Madison's on the foul line
awaiting a free shoot.
Felix, every time
you talk sports,
my ulcer acts up.
You're really serious
about this, huh?
All right, go on
and rent a cello.
And while you're there,
pick up a bulletproof
vest for me, will you?
I hope you're kidding.
No, I'm gonna make
a lot of enemies
when certain people find
out that Ernie's not for sale.
You're making me
very proud of you. Yeah.
Underneath that wrinkled shirt,
you're fallible.
( playing discordant notes )
I thought your sinuses
were bothering you again.
Isn't this a beauty?
Is it good enough?
The man at the music store said
it's the same
model Casalls plays.
Yeah, but is it good
enough for Ernie?
Casalls is the Joe
Namath of strings.
Yeah, well, I'll leave
that stuff to you.
Right now, I have
to unmake a deal.
Hey, Felix, you know, I'm glad
that Ernie chose
music instead of football,
and I can't wait
to tell Slim Daniels
that Ernie's not for sale.
That guy thinks the
whole world is for sale.
You know, giving up all that
money, that had to bother you.
I admire you more
than I can tell you.
No, it didn't bother me at all.
In fact, I feel good about it.
Felix, this is the first
decent thing I've done
since I gave
Blanche her divorce.
I'm off to get Ernie out
of the football business.
If you don't hear from me,
please, notify my
next of kin, will you?
How does it feel to be
a budding concert artist?
Well, to tell you the
truth, I don't know.
I mean, it's all
happened so fast.
Yeah. The transition
from the locker room
to Carnegie Hall
is... Yeah, just a little.
Listen, I want you to know
how much I appreciate
everything you and
Oscar are doing for me.
We're not doing
anything for you.
You're doing it all.
Go ahead, practice.
All right.
( plays note ) You
want something to eat?
You want me to fix
you a tuna casserole?
No, thank you.
I prefer not to have any fish.
That's right, you
don't like fish.
Go ahead, practice.
How about a sandwich?
No, thank you.
You want some
eggs? Bacon and eggs.
Um, I'll just have a
glass of milk, please.
You got it.
( cello playing poignant tune )
( cello playing sour notes )
( cello playing
more sour notes )
( honking )
( stops playing )
It's just a rented cello.
I guess you're used
to a better one, huh?
Oh, no, sir, this is the
best cello I ever had.
How's the rosin?
It's fine.
And the bow?
Perfect.
I suppose when
you lay off for a while
it-it takes some time
to warm up, huh?
Well, some-some cellists
have that problem, but not me.
You see, the first lesson
an Alaskan musician learns
is he's got to warm up fast.
You're all warmed up?
All grooving and swingy.
Carry on.
( resumes playing )
( playing sour notes )
( playing sour notes )
Hello, may I speak to
Mr. Effram Goodchild, please?
( playing sour notes )
( honking )
Mr. Goodchild?
This is Felix Unger.
Could I trouble you to
come over right away?
Thank you, and would you
please use the kitchen entrance?
( sour notes continue )
Yeah. That's what
I said, Mr. Daniels.
Ernie's not going
to play pro ball.
Oh, take it easy, will you?
Now he wants to
pursue a music career.
He's a gifted cellist.
Ah, it's a big fiddle,
you hold it betw...
Oh! He thinks it's a
hog calling contest.
Uh, uh, uh, you can yodel all
you want, he's not available.
I don't care if you
hired a polar bear
for Ernie to wrestle at
halftime, he's not available!
Besides, that's not
what he wants to do.
He wants to play in a symphony,
in a place like the
Hollywood Bowl.
You'll buy the Hollywood Bowl?
Anyway, he's not available, no.
Same to you, old buddy.
You go sit on a
red-hot branding iron.
( playing sour notes )
Well?
I hardly know what to say.
( honking )
What is that noise?
My sinuses, they start acting
up when I hear this stuff.
Well, you're the musical expert.
Isn't that terrible
cello playing?
Uh, he may be
wearing his mittens.
It sure is chilly in here.
He's not wearing his mittens.
Then as a musical
expert, I would say
that is terrible cello playing.
I don't understand, how can
you offer him a scholarship
when you've heard
playing like that?
The fact is, Mr. Unger,
we never actually
heard the lad play.
You never heard him play?
No, but it really doesn't
make much difference.
You see, Ernie Wilson
may not play well,
but he's the only Eskimo
cellist we found who plays at all.
You mean you offered
him a scholarship
because he's an Eskimo.
I think that's terrible.
A man should have a
chance because of his abilities
not because of his
ethnic background.
Well, I know, but
it's a beginning.
Out of these minority students,
a classical musician
may come out of it.
That's the breakthrough
we're looking for.
What about the Eskimos
who don't make it?
What about the Eskimos who think
they have talent because you let them in?
What are you going
to do, get them jobs
playing organ in
an ice-skating rink?
Please, Mr. Unger,
it's not our fault.
We're merely
victims of the system.
Well, I think it's
a rotten system.
And you're not going
to get Ernie Wilson.
He's one victim your
rotten system can't have.
Now, I'll thank you to
please leave my house.
You may have something to
eat if you wish before you leave,
but you're going
to have to leave.
( sour notes continue )
Terrible cello playing.
( humming )
Ta-da! The winner and still
champion of the underdog...
Oscar Madison.
Oh, I did it... Felix, I wish
you had been there to hear me.
I told the biggest
guys in sports
that Ernie Wilson
was not for sale.
I even told Slim Daniels to
sit on a red-hot branding iron.
Not many people can
say that to Slim Daniels.
That's nice. Where's Ernie?
I want to tell him
the good news.
I sent him out for
a walk. ( honking )
Good, a walk gets those
musical juices going, right?
( honking )
You're honking, Felix.
That's like changing
shelf paper.
Why are you honking?
What's wrong?
Why are you packing the cello?
I'm taking it back.
But you just rented it.
Why are you taking it
back now? ( coughs )
I'm not going to stand by
and see that kid's heart broken.
Hey, Felix, they
didn't take away
Ernie's scholarship, did they?
Those hypocrites wouldn't
have the decency to do that.
Will you get to the point.
Ernie can't play the cello.
When you say he
can't play the cello,
you don't mean he
can't play the cello.
You mean like his
plucking fingers...
No, the wrist is
sprained from the...
He can't play at all?
He's tone-deaf... and
the school still wants him.
Guess why.
They need a lousy cello player.
Guess again.
They need an
Eskimo cello player.
They want him to be
their token Eskimo.
Right, you know what that means.
That means I could have
had such a sweet deal for him
as a pro football player,
if you hadn't stuck your
allergy-ridden nose into things.
Just because I was wrong,
does that give you
the right to insult me?
What are you
going to tell the kid?
What am I going to tell
him?! ( buzzer sounds )
You better think
of something fast.
Howdy. You Oscar Madison?
No... Sidekick, huh?
No, I'm his roommate. Oh.
I'm Madison.
I assume from the
sequins you're Slim Daniels.
Slim Daniels!
You look different.
What do you mean?
In those old pictures,
you look younger. Felix.
Oh, you don't think I get
the girl anymore, huh?
Don't you let these
gray temples fool you.
Madison, you really got
yourself a nice spread here.
I think maybe I'll buy it.
Boys, make a note of that.
OSCAR: Who are those guys?
My attorney and my accountant.
Please don't sit like that...
It's the only way
I'm comfortable.
So you're the one who told me
to go sit on a
red-hot branding iron.
Figure of speech.
Nobody ever talked to
Slim Daniels that way,
but I'm gonna forgive you
because you're shrewd.
Also, you want Ernie
Wilson on your team?
That's right. Ernie don't
really play the fiddle, does he?
Uh, cello.
Well, what does the kid
want, another $100,000?
A snowmobile? His own talk show?
What, whatever it
is, I'll give it to him.
I'll even give him a
recording contract.
I think I own a record company.
Either that or a radio station.
My accountant will know,
if he don't the attorney will.
Don't make any difference,
I'll buy the one I don't own.
If that's your attorney
and that's your accountant,
who's that guy?
You don't recognize him, huh?
Come down here, little buddy.
Stand alongside of me.
Now take a good look at him.
Go on, little buddy,
tell him who you are.
( clears throat )
Where's your posse?
It's Grubby!
Your old sidekick
from the movies!
That's right, we
take care of our own.
Now, what about Ernie Wilson?
Look, Slim, he's not going
to sign for the highest bidder.
I want him to go where
he'll be appreciated.
He'll be appreciated.
My fans will really
appreciate him.
They're hankering for a winner.
Last week, we lost,
they got so mad, they
hung me and Jack in Effigy.
Who's Jack?
My horse.
Silver Jack, the only
horse in the world
that can count to 12!
Right! Beat Trigger by two.
Now, do we have a deal or not?
I don't know, I have
to talk it over with him.
It's still up to him, you know.
If you get him to sign, Madison,
you're going to make
me one happy buckaroo.
I want to make sure
Ernie's one happy buckaroo.
He will be.
Well, we got to go rehire
a polar bear, just in case.
Hi, fellas.
Hi, Ern.
Ernie, um, Oscar here
wants to tell you that, um...
I like you a lot, Ern.
Oscar means that, Ernie.
Thanks, Felix.
Well, I wanted to
talk to you about, uh...
About the cello.
The cello, yeah.
I wanted to tell you...
Is my cello playing
disturbing you?
Yes. No.
What Oscar's trying to say is,
that you're the kind of person
who sets extremely
high standards for himself.
You're a perfectionist
at anything you do.
Yes, see, that's what makes you
the greatest quarterback
in the country.
Oscar means that sincerely.
OSCAR: Maybe in the world, even.
What Oscar's trying to say is,
that you're not
the kind of person
who would ever accept
second-best at anything.
Well, Felix agrees
with me on that.
That's right.
It sounds like
you're trying to say
I'm a lousy cello player.
Not lousy.
Well, Mr. Goodchild
from the Conservatory
was here today, right?
What did he say?
He said lousy.
No, but he didn't say
you were good, Ernie.
Then why did they
offer me the scholarship?
Oscar and I want
you to know that...
the school still wants you.
They still want
me, and I'm lousy?
Let me take a guess here.
Uh, does the Conservatory
need a token Eskimo?
I know.
I was the only Eskimo
in my fraternity, too.
They felt so guilty,
they even elected me president.
Ernie, no matter what
your ethnic background,
people are going to lie to
you somewhere along the line.
Yeah, but, you know,
I was doing a
little lying, too...
to myself.
I mean, I convinced myself
I was a pretty good
cello player, right.
But I am a good quarterback.
You know it, and
there's nothing wrong
with throwing touchdown passes.
Look at how I'm begging a
man to make $100,000 a year.
For $100,000 a year, I could
take a lot of cello lessons
Right? That's right.
Okay, Oscar, you make
the deal and I'll sign.
Well, Slim Daniels
was just here, and...
Hey, you don't need me
to make any deals for you.
Listen, if I handled it,
you'd probably end up
furnishing your own uniforms.
Get yourself a good lawyer.
Gee, I don't know
how to thank you guys
for everything you've done.
We'd do anything for you.
Anything?
Anything.
Well, would you
turn up the heat?
It's freezing in here.
( on TV ): Ernie Wilson
takes it from center,
he drops back to pass.
He's being blitzed,
can't find anyone open,
he's going to run with it!
Oscar! He's at the 35...
You want me to go
out for the pass? Nope.
Statue of Liberty play. Uh-uh.
What? Bursitis.