The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 16 - Lovers Don't Make House Calls - full transcript

Hey, there's a fire.

This joint's on fire.

Whew!

Hey, there's a fire.

Run for the exit,
little old lady.

I got to save Felix.

Oscar, go back to bed.

There is no fire.

What's the matter?

There's smoke
all over the place!

It's not smoke, it's medicated
vapor for my allergies.



I put too much oil of eucalyptus

in my croup kettle.

Oh, boy... I can see
the headlines now:

"Oscar Madison dies
in freak croup kettle fire."

I apologize for
having allergies.

Why don't you go smoke a cigar

until the smoke clears?

Felix, it's the
middle of the night.

I got to get up
early in the morning.

I'm talking to a man

who looked like
a little old lady,

making sounds like
a dying water buffalo.

That does it, Felix.

In the morning, I'm
putting you up for adoption.



How come you got an attack?

I thought you went out

with your ex-wife tonight.

I did, I went out with Gloria.

You allergic to her now?

Humor, that's
what I need, humor.

I'm sorry, I lost my head.

Hey, what really happened?

What didn't happen?

I wanted it to be
a great evening...

It was the anniversary
of our first date.

I made a reservation
for the same table

in the same restaurant.

We even had the same waiter.

Claude, he remembered me.

No kidding, after
all those years?

When a waiter has to give a
customer artificial respiration,

he remembers him.

He had to do it again tonight.

Felix, you know
what you're allergic to.

Why would you eat something

that's gonna give
you another attack?

I wanted to show Gloria

I wasn't the same
picky fuss-budget

who used to drive her crazy,

so I came on strong,
casual, witty, devil-may-care

and I forgot myself
and ate mayonnaise.

I can hardly breathe.

I'm going to call Dr. Melnitz.

No, Dr. Melnitz is out of town.

How do you know that?

He always calls me
before he leaves town.

He figures it's the
least he can do,

considering all the
business I give him.

Felix, you're sick and
you need a doctor.

Now you get into bed.

Probably send some young
punk fresh out of medical school.

I want my doctor to be a kindly,
gentle, gray-haired old man.

In the middle of the night,

you can't get Marcus Welby.

( door buzzer rings )

FELIX: Is that the doctor?

It's either the doctor
or a very polite burglar.

I hope he's a good doctor.

Probably some
gray-haired old man.

DOCTOR: Hello.

I'm Dr. Cunningham.

Is anything wrong?

No, no, nothing's wrong.

Are you Mr. Unger?

No... but it's the
first time in my life

I wish I was.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

( Odd Couple theme playing )

Have I got a doctor for you!

Dr. Cunningham, Felix Unger.

How do you do?

He's a woman.

Don't worry about
that, Mr. Unger.

I'm here as your
physician, not your date.

Open, please.

Who knew that Dr. Melnitz
had a female associate?

I'm new in the office.

I don't need a doctor, I'm fine.

( hacking )

Felix, stop being so
stubborn, will you?

Let her examine you.

She came here in
the middle of the night.

I think maybe it would
be easier for Mr. Unger

if you left the room.

I'm not shy.

I've just never been examined

by a beautiful
female doctor before.

So you got lucky!

I'll be in the living
room if you need me.

Right. Under the tongue, please.

Before you examine me,

I want to ask you something.

I'm not married, is that
what you wanted to find out?

Certainly not.

I'd never dream of asking a
physician a question like that.

Patients have their
ethics too, you know.

Oh, I think I understand what
you mean now, Mr. Unger.

I'm an honor graduate

of an accredited medical school.

I am a qualified specialist
in internal medicine

and for the last three years,

I've practiced general
medicine and orthopedics.

Where's the upper maxillary?

Here.

Correct.

Now may I take your temperature?

How is he, Doc?

Oh, he'll be fine
in a day or so.

I gave him something
to relieve his symptoms

and some prescriptions
he can fill in the morning.

Listen, would you
like some coffee?

It's probably rotten,
because I made it, but it's hot.

Okay.

It's been a rough night

with Dr. Melnitz unavailable

and the virus all over town.

There's cream,
sugar and cookies.

No, thanks, I take it black.

It's really... it's
really not that bad.

Aw, it's probably lousy.

My specialty is sardines

on raisin bread
toast and ketchup.

I know it's too late for that.

Besides, we're out of ketchup.

You have some very
interesting pictures

in the hallway.

Oh, the sports room?

Mostly baseball, hall-of-famers

and we have some football,

but that's my
favorite over there.

I call it "pug corner."

Come here, I'll show you.

It's mostly old fighters

that nobody remembers anymore,

but I love them.

Gus Lesnevich... Lee Oma...

Stanley Ketchel...

Tammy Moriello
and Fritzie Zivic.

I don't believe it.

You only missed one.

Which one?

That one.

Al "Bummy" Davis.

That's incredible.

This is incredible,
it is Bummy Davis.

You weren't even born when
most of these guys were fighting.

How do you know them?

I was a tomboy in a
family of sports nuts.

I beat up Tiger Stakowski.

He was middleweight champ.

He was four and I was six.

Hey, I better be
going, it's late.

Oh, okay.

Do you like hockey?

I love it. I try to get out
to see the Rangers play

as often as I can.

Well, I get great seats

for all the Rangers' games.

See, I'm a sportswriter.

I know, you're a very fine
sportswriter, Mr. Madison.

I always read your column.

You do?

Yeah.

That's very nice
of you to say that.

Well... I was wondering...

I better be going.

I have two more calls to make.

Listen, I can't tell you how
much I appreciate your coming.

It was very nice meeting you.

It was a pleasure

meeting you, too, Mr. Madison.

Good-bye.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Bye.

Bye.

Al "Bummy" Davis...
How about that?

You should have
asked her to the game

right then and there.

You had the stage all set,
but then when you got your cue,

you didn't say your line.

You jumped into
the orchestra pit.

I got a little stage
fright, Mr. DeMille.

It can happen, you know.

I mean, the woman's a
doctor and everything.

She's in a different
league than I am.

Don't drink milk
out of the bottle.

If you want a glass
of milk, use a glass.

It doesn't taste
good out of a glass.

What do you mean,
you're in a different league?

You're a nice person.

Sloppy, but you're nice.

You must have
something in common.

We do!

I never met anybody like her.

Please, sit down
and eat your breakfast

before it gets cold.

You're right, Felix, I
should have asked her

to the hockey game.

Eat!

Do you think it's too
late to ask her now?

You're a grown man.

You know the answer
to your own question.

Eat!

Yeah, but how am I
supposed to call her?

I don't know her number.

I don't know where she lives.

Oh, I better forget
the whole thing!

How'd you call her last night?

I called Dr. Melnitz...

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Dr. Melnitz!

You going to call her now?

Eat your breakfast
and call her later.

Uh, Dr. Melnitz's office?

I'd like to speak to
Dr. Cunningham, please.

Well, this is Oscar
Madison. I know Dr. Melnitz.

Well, can she come to the phone?

It'll only take a minute.

You like ice-cold eggs?

Will you, Felix?

No, I was speaking... 3:00?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

Well?

The nurse misunderstood.

She made an
appointment for me at 3:00.

So?

Why be unhappy?

Go to the office

and you'll ask her
to go to the game.

At her office?

Yes, if you're going to see
a doctor, I think an office

is a very good place to see one.

You really think I ought to go?

How do you feel?

Terrible.

Go.

Mr. Skidacker, would
you hurry up, please?

We have another patient
waiting to get in this room.

Remove your clothes, please,

put on the examination robe

and we don't validate parking.

Remove my clothes...
Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious.

You don't expect the
doctor to examine you

through the coat, do you?

Yeah, but see, there's really
no need for an examination.

Can you tell
Dr. Cunningham to come in...

Just for a second,
it's kind of personal.

Listen, we have
sick patients outside!

If you're ill, the
doctor will see you.

Look...

I hope she has a sense of humor.

( muffled ): Who put
the ties in the back?

NURSE: Mr. Madison is
waiting in Room 23, Doctor.

These are for you.

You brought me flowers?

Dr. Melnitz, what
are you doing here?

This is my office. I'm a doctor.

See my stethoscope?

I wanted to talk to
Dr. Cunningham.

You know?

Oh... All right, I'll get Nancy.

But believe me, in the
middle of a flu epidemic,

a doctor's office is
no place for sweet talk.

Uh, Dr. Melnitz,
this is the lab report...

Hi.

Well, hi, Mr. Madison.

Did you come down with something

since last night?

Well, it was, um...
Have a nice time.

Then give old man Colucci
a nice basal metabolism.

Well...

what seems to be the trouble?

Well, I, uh... I have
this pain in the arm

and whenever I, uh...

Whenever I tell a lie,
which is what I'm doing now.

There's nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you?

No, no, I'm fine.

Oh, these are for you.

Excuse me, Dr. Cunningham,

I, uh, thought this room

would be vacant by now.

Come on, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Madison, we're busy
here, we're really busy.

I can't be entertaining
gentlemen callers.

Well, I tried to talk to
you on the telephone,

but they wouldn't
put me through...

See, I thought since we had
so much in common that...

Mr. Lavrano's waiting
for his penicillin shot.

Oh, I'll be right with him.

There's a great hockey
game next week...

I thought if you
weren't doing anything...

Oh, and Mrs. Davis just called.

Her kid has had the
hiccups for ten hours.

She's bringing him right over.

Well, what were you saying?

Nothing, I wasn't
saying anything.

Oh, yes, um... no, I'm
sorry, I don't date my patients.

I'm not sick, I'm
healthy as an ox.

Dr. Cunningham,
you're needed in X ray.

Oh, right away.

It's a madhouse.

Thanks for the flowers.

You can get dressed
now, Mr. Madison.

Dr. Cunningham's
through with you.

Don't rub it in.

Murray, is Oscar down
there at the station

playing poker with you guys?

No, it's just that
it's not like him

to be this late and not call.

( thunder cracks )

No, Murray, I think
that an all-points bulletin

would be a little bit premature.

( door opens )

Here he is!

Never mind,
Murray. Thanks a lot.

Well, the prodigal...

Where have you been since
you left the doctor's office?

I took a walk in the park.

Listen, Felix...

In this deluge, for five hours?

Are you out of your mind?

I wanted to commune with nature

without the threat of muggers.

I wanted to think,
and I got it, Felix!

You got pneumonia?

No, I got a way to get to Nancy.

She wouldn't give you a date?

Give me a date?

She was too busy to
even take my pulse.

Don't sit there, you'll
mildew the velour.

Forget about the velour.

You can't, the
smell reminds you.

Felix, my great idea is you.

Look at him dripping... Me?

Yeah. See, I think
Nancy likes me,

but she is so wrapped
up in her work,

I can't get a chance
to talk to her, see?

Yeah? What do you say?

What do you want me to do?

Get sick.

What?

You're gonna sit on the
bed in your wet clothes?

Look at this.

Look, if you get sick, right?

Then you call the doctor.

Nancy makes the house call.

I get her alone, I get
a chance to talk to her.

How about it?

The woman almost
got me 100% well

and now you want
me to lie to her?

What are you making
such a big deal out of it for?

Getting sick is as natural
for you as breathing.

You do it for nothing.

What's wrong with
doing it for a friend?

Friendship is friendship,

but I'm not going to
make my good health

a pawn in your game of love.

This whole conversation's
making me sick.

Oh, boy, it's not
going to kill you, Felix.

You're allergic
to a million things.

Listen, why don't
you do me a favor?

Go pet Mrs. Glick's cat

or drink some delicious
raspberry soda.

Wear wool.

Eat mayonnaise, huh?

Why don't you take
a gun and shoot me?

( sneezes )

You're catching cold.

Hey, smell paint.

Felix, they're painting 4J.

Come on, one sniff and
you'll swell up like a toad.

( sneezes )

( thunder cracks )

( knock at door )

Hi.

Okay, I was a rat.

I know how you hate to get sick

and I shouldn't have asked you.

I'm sorry.

I haven't even
completely recovered

from yesterday's attack.

I still have a
buzzing in my face.

You're smoking a
cigar in a sick room?

I've got no place to put it.

Well, hold it,
but don't puff it.

Felix, what can I
do to make it up?

You haven't had supper,
do you want a sandwich?

I'm exhausted, but I'm starved.

What kind of sandwich you want?

Tuna fish on whole wheat.

Great.

Oscar!

Yeah?

FELIX: Wash the
cigar off your hands

before you make it.

I'll scrub up, I'll scrub up.

Oscar, toast the bread.

Slice off the edges.

Butter one piece

and then salt it lightly.

Yeah, you won't
even taste the salt.

Oscar?

Yeah?

Be sure you drain
the tuna fish thoroughly

and then mash it with a fork

when you put it on the bread.

We aim to please, buddy.

You won't taste a drop of oil.

Don't forget the fork!

Isn't that funny?

That's just what I'm doing,
mashing it with a fork.

Oscar?

Yeah!?

Put a crispy piece of lettuce
in the sandwich, please...

An inner leaf.

Is there any other kind?

And Oscar!

What?!

And squeeze some
lemon on the tuna.

Un soupcon a limon.

Oscar!

Yeah!

Hold the mayo!

Here, I'm holding it.

I'm holding the mayo, all right?

Isn't that a crime that I can't

enjoy mayonnaise
like everybody else?

Oh, no, I couldn't
do that to him.

Oscar!

Yes, Felix?

Put a couple of
olives on the side

and a stalk of celery,
if you don't mind.

And Oscar!

Hurry up, I'm starved!

It's really a nice gesture
on your part, Oscar.

Gave me quite a start there.

Here's your sandwich, Felix,

like you ordered.

Ah... Oh, it looks perfect.

( chuckles )

This is odd, isn't it?

What's odd, buddy?

If I got sick again,

you'd see Nancy again.

And there you were in
the kitchen, out of my sight,

preparing this sandwich.

What are you talking about?

Just an odd
situation, that's all.

Can I have a glass of milk?

Sure, a glass of
milk, on the double.

You're a good friend, Oscar.

Don't eat that sandwich!

What's the matter?

I spiked it with mayonnaise.

Oh, no, no.

Yeah, I got enough
mayonnaise in there

to wipe out the house of Unger.

You can't find it.

I cleverly hid it
under the lettuce leaf.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How could you?

It was a rotten thing to do.

That Nancy girl's got me crazy.

I can understand the
torment that brought you to this

and I appreciate
that you stopped me

before it was too late.

And I forgive you.

Thank you, Felix.

But I am appalled

that you would even
consider such a thing.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I must be in love... ( sneezes )

You're not in love, you're sick.

Hey... you're
burning up with fever.

You've got the
bug. Get into bed.

No, I don't have the bug.

Get into bed.

I'm gonna call a doctor.

No, no, don't call a doctor.

Don't call Nancy! She
wouldn't come anyway.

All right, I'll call
another doctor.

Now get in to bed!

Wow, Felix, you're
right, I do feel lousy.

Even my fingernails hurt.

No wonder you're
sick, living in this room.

Come on, get out of
your clothes properly.

Felix, do me a favor, will ya?

The phone book's under the bed.

Look in the Yellow
Pages for a doctor.

You'd select a physician at
random from the Yellow Pages?

You wouldn't choose a
TV repairman that way.

The TV is a delicate
instrument. I'm not.

Flip through the pages and
find me a pill pusher, will you?

I don't care what his name is,

as long as its not
Nancy Cunningham.

Is this Dr. Melnitz's service?

This is Felix Unger.

Oh, hello, Elizabeth.

Much better, thank you.

Elizabeth, it's very important

that I get in touch with
Dr. Cunningham right away.

Well, you must know
where to reach her.

Could you put me through to her?

( dance music playing )

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Unger.

Oscar needs a doctor right away.

I'm sorry, but I'm not on
call tonight, Mr. Unger.

As a matter of fact, I'm already
out having dinner with someone.

But this is not for a date.

There's another doctor on call.

I don't want another doctor.

It's very important
that you come.

You're making a very
large mistake, Doctor.

Good night, Mr. Unger.

Cunningham, your
attitude is not acceptable.

Dr. Cunningham?

( surprised ): Dr. Melnitz.

I don't know why,

but I had a feeling I was
gonna see you tonight.

Mr. Unger, I told you on the
phone I was having dinner.

So I see.

Well, I never thought I'd
see my own doctor cavorting.

What cavorting?

Two doctors put
in a 14-hour day,

stop in for a nice meal,

and all of a sudden,
it's Peyton Place?

Well, sorry if I... if I
jumped to conclusions,

but the indications...

The indications
were hunger, Unger.

Now, what's the problem?

Nerves? Sinuses? Backache?

No, it's not me, it's Oscar.

His flowers wilted?

Forget it, Dr. Melnitz.

Mr. Madison and
his friend are playing

romantic games.

No, we're not. He's really sick.

He's got a 103 fever.

He's got to have a doctor.

All right, what's one more hour?

I was too tired to eat anyway.

No, no, no, not you.

It's got to be Dr. Cunningham.

Now look, Mr. Unger, I
told you on the phone,

if your friend is really sick

there's another doctor on call.

Excuse me.

Let's dance.

Dance?

Why would I want to dance?

I'm not gonna take
no for an answer.

It's your fault that he
got sick in the first place.

My conscience
is perfectly clear.

No, it's not.

You know perfectly well
he's infatuated with you.

He humiliated himself
by coming to your office.

It was the only place
where he could see you.

And then after you rejected him,

he went for a walk in
the rain for five hours

and that's how
he caught the bug.

He did?

All right, I'd rather
make a house call

than keep on dancing.

No, no, Dr. Melnitz.

I'll go.

If this is a trick...

I swear on my
hypochondriac oath.

You sure you don't mind

being left alone?

My ambition for 60 years
has been to be left alone.

Hmm... 103.

You got the bug, all right.

Yeah, I'd have to be a heck
of an actor to be faking this.

Listen... I'm sorry the
room is such a wreck,

but, you know, what with
being sick and everything...

I'm telling you another lie.

'Cause my room is always a mess.

So is my office.

No kidding?

No kidding.

Listen, I want you to take
two of these every four hours.

It won't make
much of a difference,

but it'll give you
something to do.

Nancy... I'm sorry

about coming to
your office yesterday

like I did.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sorry I was so abrupt.

No, you were
right, you were right.

You know, I'm worried
about something.

What? I've got
something serious, right?

No, no, no, you've just got

a good case of the flu.

I'm worried you won't
be well by Wednesday.

What's Wednesday?

My next night off.

And if you're sick, you
can't take me to dinner.

Yeah?

Yeah, I bet I look so
handsome and debonair,

you can't resist me, huh?

I could resist you.

You rest now.

Wednesday.

Wednesday.

And you better be well.

I told you I don't
date my patients.

Are you kidding?

I'm as healthy as
an... ( sneezes )

Hey, that looks great.

I hope you like it.

Felix gave me the recipe.

Felix? Are you kidding?

I'm still working on

how you got him to
let you in the kitchen.

I have to knock before entering.

You all right?

Excuse me.

Here we go.

I usually taste it first,

but I know this is good wine.

There we go.

( door opens )

Felix, what are you doing home?

You were said you were going

to stay out late
with Gloria tonight.

I tried to call you.

The phone's out of order.

I took it off the hook

because I didn't
want be disturbed.

What's the matter, Felix?

Gloria's sick.

She's got the bug.

Call a doctor.

I tried... Melnitz is out.

She's really sick.

She's burning up with fever.

Felix!

She's got to have a doctor.

I'm sorry, Oscar, it
shouldn't take too long.

Why don't you and
Felix eat the dinner

and I'll come back
for a nightcap.

No, I'll take you
over there in a cab.

That's not necessary.

Don't be silly, this
is an imposition.

I'll go along with you

and I'll tell you
exactly what to do.

Gloria's a very
delicate woman...

but she responds
well to medication.

However, she does have
a sensitivity to penicillin...

Felix... So my advice...

Just give me the address.

145 Central Park West.

Thank you.

Hurry back.

Well, that's a load off my mind.

Oh...

Mmm.

Aren't you going
to light the candles?

No.