The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 17 - Engrave Trouble - full transcript
In Felix's latest attempt to get back together with his ex, Oscar suggests he get the watch he gave her which he engraved with a lame inscription and re engrave it with a more romantic one and invite her for dinner and give her the watch. So he gives the watch to Oscar who gives it to a friend to re engrave it. When they go to pick it up, they discover the man's store's been robbed. To try and get it back Oscar asks a friend whom he knows "knows" people who might be able to help them get it back.
( tango playing on phonograph )
Oh, Felix, sorry I'm...
I hate to break
it to you this way,
but the tango went
out a long time ago.
I'm bringing it back tonight.
Pick up your coat, hang it up.
We're going right out.
Okay.
Okay?
Felix, it's so good
to see you happy for a change.
I'm looking forward to this
blind date tonight, I really am.
Good, good.
Now Nancy says you and this girl
should get along great
unless you take out your wallet,
start showing pictures
of your ex-wife and kids
and depress everybody.
No, no, no.
Tonight, you're going
to see a new Felix Unger.
I'm going to be
a million laughs,
I'll be a laugh a minute.
I'll settle for a
chuckle an hour.
Listen, as a
precautionary measure,
why don't you leave
your wallet at home.
But I have to pay for
dinner. No, I'm so happy
that you're happy and not
moping around, dinner's on me.
No, no. Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay.
All right, I'll
shower and shave.
I'll be with you in ten minutes.
Let's go get 'em, tiger.
We don't want to
keep them waiting.
I'm not going.
What did you say?
I said I'm not going.
That's what I thought you said.
Called my date and
told her I can't make it.
I knew I shouldn't have spent
so much time in the shower.
Felix, ten minutes ago,
you told me you were
going to be a ball of fire.
What happened to
Mr. Laugh-a-minute
and the dancing fool?
They've all left.
Where'd they go?
On the radio, one of the songs
they happened to be playing
was "Just One More Chance."
So?
That was our song...
Gloria's and mine.
And I remembered
that our anniversary is
the day after tomorrow.
Okay, Felix, this is it!
I've had it.
No matter what you say
or what you do, when I
get back from my date,
I'm going to fix it so you
go back with your ex-wife!
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Okay, everybody up, here we go.
What! Oh! What!
Oh, what's going on?
You're scaring me to death, why?
That's nothing compared
to what you did to me.
Come on, I want to talk to you.
Where are my slippers?
You don't need your slippers.
You washed the rugs
this morning, remember?
What's the matter?
First you broke the date
with Nancy's friend, didn't you?
I called her.
Sure, you called her,
20 minutes before
you were supposed
to pick her up, you called.
Nancy felt so guilty,
I got stuck with two dates!
Oh, that's awkward, isn't it?
Yes, it's awkward, since they
both wanted to go dancing.
Come on, I want to talk to you.
Felix, haven't you
ever done anything...
silly-romantic,
like, uh... send her a ring
from a box of popcorn, say, huh?
Why would I do a messy,
sticky thing like for?
What's the matter, you
don't believe in saucers?
I believe, I believe
in saucers, I forgot.
I gave her a beautiful present
on our first anniversary.
Yeah, what?
It was a beautiful
wristwatch with a bracelet.
On the bracelet
was a little bear
holding a jar of honey.
I thought that was romantic.
Why, was it symbolic?
Yeah...
She used to call
me her honey bear.
That was before she
started calling me Mr. Clean.
Want sugar?
Sure, but I didn't
even want the cocoa.
Felix, I got important
things to talk to you about.
Tell me something, about
the watch... did she like it?
Did she like it... She
never even wore it.
She hated the engraving
I had put on the back.
It simply said:
"To Gloria, a good sport."
You know what
surprises me, Felix?
That she didn't
kick you out sooner.
To be a good sport
is very important.
Yeah, if you're dating
a female shot-putter.
No, no, no, look, I
got an idea, Felix.
I got an idea.
Look, you get the
watch back from Gloria,
without her knowing about it.
Then you invite Gloria over to
one of your sumptuous dinners.
Candlelight, champagne,
all the good food.
Then you give her the watch.
You don't think she'd catch on?
To what?
That I'm giving her a
watch I already gave her?
She's not a dummy, you know.
She may have memory lapses...
Will you listen to me, Felix,
when you get the watch back
you put a romantic
engraving on it.
"To a good sport" is nice.
Nice, nice doesn't get
you back with Gloria, nice.
I mean a really
romantic engraving like:
"Love me truly,
you're my everything."
Or "'Just One More Chance'!"
The song, that's perfect!
That is a superb idea!
How will I ever
get the watch back?
Break in.
I could never do
a thing like that.
You still have a key?
No, no, she changed the lock.
I used to go in and
rearrange the furniture.
Consuela!
Who's Consuela?
Consuela, the maid...
She's crazy about me.
I used to clean up after her.
She'll get me the watch.
Hey, you're all set.
I'll have a friend of mine
engrave it to avoid any delay.
You're set up, all you
have to do is call Gloria...
Now, at this hour of night?
It's so late. It's
more romantic.
No, no, no...
What's your number?
No, no, no, 724-7069.
I don't like this.
I'm getting a sinus attack.
Well, don't worry,
you'll be fine, here.
No, no... Take the
phone, will you?
( breathing heavily )
Give me that...
Hello, Gloria? This is Oscar.
Yeah, I know it sounded
like an obscene phone call.
Don't mention my
sinuses, she hates that.
Yeah, it was Felix,
he had a sinus attack.
Oh, he's fine now.
I'm not fine, I'm
a nervous wreck.
Listen, he told
me, well, he told me
your anniversary was coming up
and he'd like to invite
you over for dinner.
Next month.
Friday.
Yeah, you could?
Hey, that's marvelous.
I don't have a menu planned.
He's got a great menu planned
around everything you like.
He remembered all your goodies.
Hey, that's marvelous.
He'd like to have
you come about...
What time?
Seven, 7:00, okay.
No, erase that, erase that.
Seven, eight, 8:00, okay.
No, erase that one, too.
That's seven, seven and a half.
He'd like you at...
seven and a half?
7:30, 7:30, 7:30.
Oh, that's marvelous.
It's great talking to
you, Gloria. Good.
You did it, buddy!
She didn't even ask
time to think it over.
She still likes you.
Maybe she's half asleep.
She's not coherent
when she's sleepy.
She once invited a
wrong number to dinner.
I'm telling you, she heard me.
She still likes you.
You're on your way.
All you need is a
good night's sleep.
I'll never be able to sleep.
I've got a million
things on my mind.
I've got to plan my menu.
I've got to get the
watch from Consuela...
You do all that, I'm
going to go to bed.
Good night. Oscar?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Consuela... donde el
wristwatch de la senora Unger...
Oscar! Oscar!
What, what?
I got it!
What?
I got it. Look, look.
Isn't that a beauty?
See the little bear
and the jar of honey?
See it?
It looks like a little
puppy with a bone.
Aw, come on,
isn't that beautiful?
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
Look at that.
Oh, Consuela was
so glad to see me.
She even let me take
a spot out of the carpet.
That's great, that's great.
Come on, don't go back to sleep.
You promised to
have it engraved.
Felix, I want to sleep an
extra hour this morning.
I'll drop it off on
my way to work.
Let me sleep.
You promise?
Oscar?
Would it be too much to
have it cleaned as well?
No, no, it's not too much.
Go back to sleep.
Where will I leave it?
Oscar?
I put it right here
by your phone.
Go back to sleep.
You've got another hour.
( muttering )
FELIX: You did remember
to leave the watch
with the jeweler this
morning, didn't you?
OSCAR: Of course I did.
It's been three hours.
Do you think he'll
have it ready?
When Louie says he'll
deliver, he delivers.
( door bell jangles )
Louie?
Louie?
Must be in the back.
This doesn't look like
much of a jewelry store.
Well, what did you expect...
Breakfast at Tiffany's?
I wouldn't even chew
gum in a place like this.
Not in the back.
Well, this is a disgrace.
Leaving a place
like this unattended.
Any bum on the street
could come in and
clean everything...
Louie!
He's been robbed.
Oh, my... did they
take my watch?
( mumbling )
Doesn't he speak English?
Felix, he's got a gag
around his mouth.
Did they take my watch?
They took everybody's watch.
Oh, my, oh, my.
The little one with the bear?
I didn't have
anything like that.
Oscar, he says he didn't
have anything like that.
Yes, you did, Louie,
the one I gave you.
Oh, I thought that was a rabbit.
I wondered why he
had that jar of honey.
It was so small,
maybe they missed it.
Look, pal, they cleaned
me out, everything:
All the rings, all the watches,
all the bracelets, everything!
What did they look like?
Who knows? They had nylon
stockings over their faces.
Aha! What size?
What difference does that make?
Clues.
Felix, will you leave the
clues to the police, please?
LOUIE: I'm calling them now.
After 13 robberies,
you'd think I'd have a hotline.
13 robberies, that's terrible.
Why don't you move to
a better neighborhood?
Because, the nearest better
neighborhood is in Ohio.
( ballad begins )
MAN ( on phonograph ):
♪ Just one more chance ♪
♪ To prove it's you
alone I care for ♪
♪ Each night I say
a little prayer for ♪
♪ Just one more chance... ♪
Leave the record alone.
It's making you miserable.
I enjoy being miserable.
Felix, I'm sorry
about the watch,
but you can still have a
fun evening with Gloria.
Sure, now I don't
have to worry about
giving her the watch with
the appetizer or entree.
Forget the watch,
concentrate on fun.
How can I have fun
when you're dripping
crumbs on my shoulder?
Sit down and eat like
a normal human being.
Oh, it's all over the couch...
I steal a watch and
then it's stolen from me.
Some romantic I
turned out to be.
You tried.
Did Cyrano write love letters,
and then lose them?
Did Romeo go to
the wrong balcony?
If they had Oscar
Madison for a friend,
they probably would have.
It's not your fault.
Thanks for that, Felix.
Of course, you
could have told me
that your friend
Louie's pawnshop
had been robbed 13 times.
Ah... it's not your
fault, it's not your fault.
Maybe we should
call Murray the cop.
What for, poker?
I'm going to call up Gloria.
That's what I'm going to do.
No, no, don't do that, Felix.
Don't do that.
No, I want to help you.
You want to help me?
Don't help me.
What about a chance
to get even, will ya?
I want to get the watch back.
How? It was stolen
by common thieves.
I'm going to do something
I never thought I would
do before... What?
Get involved with
common thieves.
FELIX: Why are we
going to a flower shop?
OSCAR: Because the
florist is my main contact.
He's one of the boys.
What boys?
The boys your mother
wouldn't let you play with...
grown up.
Only you would
know a thug florist.
Watch what you say,
this guy is very dangerous.
FLORIST: I'll be right with you,
boys, soon as I put these things away.
Okay, Wally.
How could a nice florist
like that be dangerous?
Are you kidding?
They say his father made
the flower arrangements
for the St. Valentine's
Day Massacre...
Hiya, Wally, how are you?
I'd like you to meet a
friend of mine, Felix Unger.
How do you do?
Oscar, nice to see you.
Did your father
really make the...
Felix!
Wally, listen, I want to ask you
a special kind of a thing, see.
Sure...
Um... how about
a lovely, lovely...
( sneezes violently )
My friend's allergic to flowers.
Only certain flowers.
Does he like artificial flowers?
He thinks they're gauche.
All right, I'll take
an antihistamine.
Wally, I need a favor
from your other line of work.
Louie's pawnshop was
robbed this afternoon.
Again?
Yeah.
I need some water.
Here.
And my friend had
something taken out of it.
He has to get it back.
OSCAR: You got enough?
Yes.
Well, I don't know, Oscar.
You'll find most of
your serious thieves
are reticent to
give things back.
You see, they go to all
the trouble of stealing.
Oh, come on, Wally,
give me a break, will ya?
I give you good tips
at the races, don't I?
Well, yes, and you
always say such nice things
about my flowers on
the winning horses.
Are you kidding?
Horses win races
just so they can wear
your wreaths of flowers.
You're lying, but I love it.
Yes, yes, I have some contacts.
Good, good, listen,
give me a couple, will ya?
Oscar, when one writes things
down, other ones can read them.
One is sorry.
I lost my head.
You almost did.
Yes, I think Bill Green
might know who
pulled this heist.
That's his neighborhood.
He likes it because
it's near the dog pound.
The dog pound?
Yes, he's crazy for
dogs... Dogs and money.
We have to have the watch
in two or three hours.
Everybody's in a
rush except flowers.
I'll do my best, hmm?
Thank you...
thanks for the water.
That's a very cute cup.
Ah, thank you, yes,
I had that made.
Really? Where?
I have a cup maker
on Third Avenue.
Oh, will you stop that?
Thanks, Wally.
( Oscar scolding
Felix indistinctly )
Are you in the right apartment?
I must be in the
wrong apartment.
You're Unger, right?
You know me?
I already met Madison.
You did?
Oscar, are you all right?
OSCAR: Oh, I see
you two have met.
Bill Green, this is Felix Unger.
You remember, Wally said
he was gonna send over
a nice guy for us to meet.
Oh, how good of you to come
on such short notice.
Cigar?
What about it?
I, uh...
think it's gone out, that's all.
No, it hasn't.
I guess, I'm wrong.
Let's get down to business.
Okay, I know who
took your watch.
You do?
He does.
Oh, that's great...
Give me his number
and I'll call him.
Your friend hasn't been
around too long, has he?
Felix, I'm afraid
it's not that simple.
Why not?
I'm a businessman, Unger!
Listen, people lose
things, I find them.
They pay me for them.
That's capitalism!
I dig.
I'll bet you want a
reward, don't you?
I'm going to give it
to you... in advance.
Small bills, please.
Five fives small enough?
Yeah.
Where's... where's the zeros?
Zeros?
Zeros!
$25 pays for a couple
minutes of my time.
You want the watch,
it'll cost you $2,500.
The whole watch
didn't cost $2,500.
Now, wait a minute.
Look, he doesn't
have much money.
Give him a break.
Give him a break?
Oh, that's great,
give him a break.
I wish somebody would
give me a break some time!
What, do you think
guys in my profession
ain't hit by inflation?
You know how much money it costs
to store stolen goods?
Money is tight!
We understand that,
but this may be his last chance
to get back with Gloria.
Who's Gloria?
The sweetest, most
wonderful woman
who's ever lived.
His ex-wife.
See, he gave her the watch
on their first anniversary.
FELIX: 12 years we
were happy together.
12 years.
And then one day
the whole thing... over.
I'm sorry, Unger, but...
You know what
that does to a man...
To lose his wife and the
home they built together?
Tell him about your dog, Felix.
I wish you could've
seen my family.
I'll show you a picture.
Show him a picture of your dog.
Show me the dog.
Look at that.
Aw... aw, that's nice.
He's got a snapshot of his dog.
I love dogs.
Here's a picture
of my wife and kids
in front of the Christmas tree.
Isn't that a lovely family?
And a beautiful dog.
Cute kids... What
are their names?
Leonard and Edna.
And Spot.
( mock growls )
That's my wife, Gloria
and our new
wall-to-wall carpeting.
Where's the dog?
Felix never lets the
dog on the carpet.
You know something?
I just went through a divorce.
I sure miss my family.
You have a family?
What?
Crooks can't have a family?
If you prick us,
do we not bleed?
If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?
If we miss an alimony payment,
do we not hear
from our ex-wives?
Oh, he was... Oh,
boy, was he married.
Sure like to get
back with my ex.
Why don't you get back with her?
She's in prison.
All right, Unger.
I don't know how much good
it's going to do with your ex,
but I'll do my best
with the watch.
Well, like I said, he
doesn't have much money.
What's the matter with you?
Money ain't everything,
even to a capitalist.
I'll keep the five
fives for expenses.
That's very decent of you.
Just don't spread it around.
When do you think
I could get the watch?
I need it tonight.
I'll... I'll try for tonight.
There's a little problem.
The guy that stole it
gave it to his girlfriend.
When she hears my story,
don't you think she'll
want me to have it back?
Yeah, I think so.
But she really likes that mouse
with the cheese, you know?
That's a bear
with a jar of honey.
That's what I
said, whatever it is.
I don't know, I only know dogs.
Listen, um... 5:00.
Yeah?
You be in your elevator.
Your watch will be there.
Why do you leave
it in the elevator?
Why don't you bring it up to...?
What am I, a delivery boy?
I got other things
to do to make money
to make up for my
sentimental gestures.
Five fives... what is that?
Oh, another thing.
Uh, listen.
You know, uh...
you shouldn't keep
the dog off the carpet.
It's discrimination.
They sense that.
Nice.
Come on, Felix,
will you hurry up?
Come on, come on.
Where is he? Where?
He's not here.
Will you take
off that stupid...?
What do we do, push a button?
No, don't push anything.
He said be here,
don't do anything.
Why do you suppose
he's being so secretive?
The guy who stole
it is probably hot.
He's got to lay low for awhile.
Just be thankful you're
getting the watch back.
Be cool, Felix, be cool.
Oh...
FELIX: Where do
you think we're going?
The contact's probably waiting
on another floor.
When the elevator stops,
the door's will open.
The contact will come
in and give us the watch.
Felix, will you relax?
I've never done
anything like this before.
I don't usually hold business
meetings in elevators myself.
This elevator's tacky and drab.
FELIX: We're not
getting anywhere.
I've got $9.34 worth
of meat up there
that's going to be ruined.
Take it easy, will you, Felix?
Now this may be it,
but we've got to be cool,
now really cool this time.
Okay?
Do you guys live
in the building?
BOTH: Yes, yes, we do.
Good, I have something for you.
Ooh, I told you
we'd get it, didn't I?
Thank you. Thank you.
That's a toothbrush.
He's a salesman!
I've heard of these brushes.
These are excellent.
Thank you!
Hurry up, will you, Felix?
Somebody might push the buzzer.
I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry
but I had to baste.
Who cares about basting when
we don't have the watch yet?
We've just been
going around in circles.
No, we haven't, we've
been going up and down.
That's clever.
I've counted 15 people
who have come
into this elevator.
The next person's
going to be Gloria.
( sneezes )
Oh, boy.
Come on, let's give up.
No, I'm not going to give up
till we get the watch
back, I feel responsible.
I'm taking the next
round sitting down.
( object hits floor )
What's that?
It's the watch.
It's been there all the time.
Oh, I'm going to
give your Mr. Green
a piece of my mind.
This is a disgrace...
Leaving an expensive
piece of jewelry
right out here in the open
where any bum could steal it.
Felix, don't press your luck.
The price was right.
Come on, get back
to your basting.
Gloria's going... ( sneezes )
Felix, Do you know
why you're sneezing?
Why?
Because you're tense
and you're anxious about
your dinner with Gloria.
( sneezes )
You see?
Everything's gonna
turn out great.
Oh, I hope so, I hope so.
Don't forget to use
your nasal spray.
I haven't been alone
with Gloria in two years.
I don't know what to say to her.
What's wrong with,
"I've missed you"?
You're a good writer. Thank you.
Where are you going?
I don't know, I figured I'd
catch a gangster movie.
Good luck.
( soft music playing )
Felix.
What happened?
You know...
I was just sitting here thinking
all you've done on my behalf.
You're a real friend.
What are you talking about?
Didn't Gloria show up?
Oh, yes, she was right on time.
Oh, she looked so beautiful.
She had her hair
in a French twist.
She had a lovely
green silk dress.
Felix, give me
the details later.
Now, what happened?
No food was eaten,
what happened?
Oh, first we had a
glass of champagne.
Then we sat down,
it was beautiful.
Oh, you should've
seen my soufflé
before it fell... perfect.
Oh, I'm sure it was
a sight to behold,
now will you get to the point?
Well, I thought I was
being very romantic.
I served the watch
along with the roast.
She ate the watch?
She read the inscription
and she ran out sobbing.
She was that touched.
Your friend Louie never
had the watch engraved.
The guy who stole it
had it engraved
for his girlfriend.
Read.
"You're built like a..."
Isn't that romantic?
FELIX: That's right,
Murray, I want you to get
every available man
in the police force on it.
Well, how many can you get?
Well, then you try hard
by yourself, Murray.
Thank you.
What's the matter?
I'm so aggravated.
Why?
Today, you told me
Gloria forgave you.
There's a chance you
might get together again.
That's not why I'm aggravated.
Those underworld
friends of yours...
They're not to be trusted.
Of course not, they're crooks.
Bill Green with
his heart of gold.
Nonsense.
People want to believe
gangsters are sentimental...
Let me tell you, they're not.
He got you your watch back.
Did he? I spent the whole
day having it engraved
"Just One More
Chance," yesterday.
I gave it to Gloria
and she loved it.
Then, last night, burglars
broke into her house
and stole it back again.
How do you know
Bill Green did it?
He left a note.
"I fed your dog."
Oh, Felix, sorry I'm...
I hate to break
it to you this way,
but the tango went
out a long time ago.
I'm bringing it back tonight.
Pick up your coat, hang it up.
We're going right out.
Okay.
Okay?
Felix, it's so good
to see you happy for a change.
I'm looking forward to this
blind date tonight, I really am.
Good, good.
Now Nancy says you and this girl
should get along great
unless you take out your wallet,
start showing pictures
of your ex-wife and kids
and depress everybody.
No, no, no.
Tonight, you're going
to see a new Felix Unger.
I'm going to be
a million laughs,
I'll be a laugh a minute.
I'll settle for a
chuckle an hour.
Listen, as a
precautionary measure,
why don't you leave
your wallet at home.
But I have to pay for
dinner. No, I'm so happy
that you're happy and not
moping around, dinner's on me.
No, no. Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay.
All right, I'll
shower and shave.
I'll be with you in ten minutes.
Let's go get 'em, tiger.
We don't want to
keep them waiting.
I'm not going.
What did you say?
I said I'm not going.
That's what I thought you said.
Called my date and
told her I can't make it.
I knew I shouldn't have spent
so much time in the shower.
Felix, ten minutes ago,
you told me you were
going to be a ball of fire.
What happened to
Mr. Laugh-a-minute
and the dancing fool?
They've all left.
Where'd they go?
On the radio, one of the songs
they happened to be playing
was "Just One More Chance."
So?
That was our song...
Gloria's and mine.
And I remembered
that our anniversary is
the day after tomorrow.
Okay, Felix, this is it!
I've had it.
No matter what you say
or what you do, when I
get back from my date,
I'm going to fix it so you
go back with your ex-wife!
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Okay, everybody up, here we go.
What! Oh! What!
Oh, what's going on?
You're scaring me to death, why?
That's nothing compared
to what you did to me.
Come on, I want to talk to you.
Where are my slippers?
You don't need your slippers.
You washed the rugs
this morning, remember?
What's the matter?
First you broke the date
with Nancy's friend, didn't you?
I called her.
Sure, you called her,
20 minutes before
you were supposed
to pick her up, you called.
Nancy felt so guilty,
I got stuck with two dates!
Oh, that's awkward, isn't it?
Yes, it's awkward, since they
both wanted to go dancing.
Come on, I want to talk to you.
Felix, haven't you
ever done anything...
silly-romantic,
like, uh... send her a ring
from a box of popcorn, say, huh?
Why would I do a messy,
sticky thing like for?
What's the matter, you
don't believe in saucers?
I believe, I believe
in saucers, I forgot.
I gave her a beautiful present
on our first anniversary.
Yeah, what?
It was a beautiful
wristwatch with a bracelet.
On the bracelet
was a little bear
holding a jar of honey.
I thought that was romantic.
Why, was it symbolic?
Yeah...
She used to call
me her honey bear.
That was before she
started calling me Mr. Clean.
Want sugar?
Sure, but I didn't
even want the cocoa.
Felix, I got important
things to talk to you about.
Tell me something, about
the watch... did she like it?
Did she like it... She
never even wore it.
She hated the engraving
I had put on the back.
It simply said:
"To Gloria, a good sport."
You know what
surprises me, Felix?
That she didn't
kick you out sooner.
To be a good sport
is very important.
Yeah, if you're dating
a female shot-putter.
No, no, no, look, I
got an idea, Felix.
I got an idea.
Look, you get the
watch back from Gloria,
without her knowing about it.
Then you invite Gloria over to
one of your sumptuous dinners.
Candlelight, champagne,
all the good food.
Then you give her the watch.
You don't think she'd catch on?
To what?
That I'm giving her a
watch I already gave her?
She's not a dummy, you know.
She may have memory lapses...
Will you listen to me, Felix,
when you get the watch back
you put a romantic
engraving on it.
"To a good sport" is nice.
Nice, nice doesn't get
you back with Gloria, nice.
I mean a really
romantic engraving like:
"Love me truly,
you're my everything."
Or "'Just One More Chance'!"
The song, that's perfect!
That is a superb idea!
How will I ever
get the watch back?
Break in.
I could never do
a thing like that.
You still have a key?
No, no, she changed the lock.
I used to go in and
rearrange the furniture.
Consuela!
Who's Consuela?
Consuela, the maid...
She's crazy about me.
I used to clean up after her.
She'll get me the watch.
Hey, you're all set.
I'll have a friend of mine
engrave it to avoid any delay.
You're set up, all you
have to do is call Gloria...
Now, at this hour of night?
It's so late. It's
more romantic.
No, no, no...
What's your number?
No, no, no, 724-7069.
I don't like this.
I'm getting a sinus attack.
Well, don't worry,
you'll be fine, here.
No, no... Take the
phone, will you?
( breathing heavily )
Give me that...
Hello, Gloria? This is Oscar.
Yeah, I know it sounded
like an obscene phone call.
Don't mention my
sinuses, she hates that.
Yeah, it was Felix,
he had a sinus attack.
Oh, he's fine now.
I'm not fine, I'm
a nervous wreck.
Listen, he told
me, well, he told me
your anniversary was coming up
and he'd like to invite
you over for dinner.
Next month.
Friday.
Yeah, you could?
Hey, that's marvelous.
I don't have a menu planned.
He's got a great menu planned
around everything you like.
He remembered all your goodies.
Hey, that's marvelous.
He'd like to have
you come about...
What time?
Seven, 7:00, okay.
No, erase that, erase that.
Seven, eight, 8:00, okay.
No, erase that one, too.
That's seven, seven and a half.
He'd like you at...
seven and a half?
7:30, 7:30, 7:30.
Oh, that's marvelous.
It's great talking to
you, Gloria. Good.
You did it, buddy!
She didn't even ask
time to think it over.
She still likes you.
Maybe she's half asleep.
She's not coherent
when she's sleepy.
She once invited a
wrong number to dinner.
I'm telling you, she heard me.
She still likes you.
You're on your way.
All you need is a
good night's sleep.
I'll never be able to sleep.
I've got a million
things on my mind.
I've got to plan my menu.
I've got to get the
watch from Consuela...
You do all that, I'm
going to go to bed.
Good night. Oscar?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Consuela... donde el
wristwatch de la senora Unger...
Oscar! Oscar!
What, what?
I got it!
What?
I got it. Look, look.
Isn't that a beauty?
See the little bear
and the jar of honey?
See it?
It looks like a little
puppy with a bone.
Aw, come on,
isn't that beautiful?
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
Look at that.
Oh, Consuela was
so glad to see me.
She even let me take
a spot out of the carpet.
That's great, that's great.
Come on, don't go back to sleep.
You promised to
have it engraved.
Felix, I want to sleep an
extra hour this morning.
I'll drop it off on
my way to work.
Let me sleep.
You promise?
Oscar?
Would it be too much to
have it cleaned as well?
No, no, it's not too much.
Go back to sleep.
Where will I leave it?
Oscar?
I put it right here
by your phone.
Go back to sleep.
You've got another hour.
( muttering )
FELIX: You did remember
to leave the watch
with the jeweler this
morning, didn't you?
OSCAR: Of course I did.
It's been three hours.
Do you think he'll
have it ready?
When Louie says he'll
deliver, he delivers.
( door bell jangles )
Louie?
Louie?
Must be in the back.
This doesn't look like
much of a jewelry store.
Well, what did you expect...
Breakfast at Tiffany's?
I wouldn't even chew
gum in a place like this.
Not in the back.
Well, this is a disgrace.
Leaving a place
like this unattended.
Any bum on the street
could come in and
clean everything...
Louie!
He's been robbed.
Oh, my... did they
take my watch?
( mumbling )
Doesn't he speak English?
Felix, he's got a gag
around his mouth.
Did they take my watch?
They took everybody's watch.
Oh, my, oh, my.
The little one with the bear?
I didn't have
anything like that.
Oscar, he says he didn't
have anything like that.
Yes, you did, Louie,
the one I gave you.
Oh, I thought that was a rabbit.
I wondered why he
had that jar of honey.
It was so small,
maybe they missed it.
Look, pal, they cleaned
me out, everything:
All the rings, all the watches,
all the bracelets, everything!
What did they look like?
Who knows? They had nylon
stockings over their faces.
Aha! What size?
What difference does that make?
Clues.
Felix, will you leave the
clues to the police, please?
LOUIE: I'm calling them now.
After 13 robberies,
you'd think I'd have a hotline.
13 robberies, that's terrible.
Why don't you move to
a better neighborhood?
Because, the nearest better
neighborhood is in Ohio.
( ballad begins )
MAN ( on phonograph ):
♪ Just one more chance ♪
♪ To prove it's you
alone I care for ♪
♪ Each night I say
a little prayer for ♪
♪ Just one more chance... ♪
Leave the record alone.
It's making you miserable.
I enjoy being miserable.
Felix, I'm sorry
about the watch,
but you can still have a
fun evening with Gloria.
Sure, now I don't
have to worry about
giving her the watch with
the appetizer or entree.
Forget the watch,
concentrate on fun.
How can I have fun
when you're dripping
crumbs on my shoulder?
Sit down and eat like
a normal human being.
Oh, it's all over the couch...
I steal a watch and
then it's stolen from me.
Some romantic I
turned out to be.
You tried.
Did Cyrano write love letters,
and then lose them?
Did Romeo go to
the wrong balcony?
If they had Oscar
Madison for a friend,
they probably would have.
It's not your fault.
Thanks for that, Felix.
Of course, you
could have told me
that your friend
Louie's pawnshop
had been robbed 13 times.
Ah... it's not your
fault, it's not your fault.
Maybe we should
call Murray the cop.
What for, poker?
I'm going to call up Gloria.
That's what I'm going to do.
No, no, don't do that, Felix.
Don't do that.
No, I want to help you.
You want to help me?
Don't help me.
What about a chance
to get even, will ya?
I want to get the watch back.
How? It was stolen
by common thieves.
I'm going to do something
I never thought I would
do before... What?
Get involved with
common thieves.
FELIX: Why are we
going to a flower shop?
OSCAR: Because the
florist is my main contact.
He's one of the boys.
What boys?
The boys your mother
wouldn't let you play with...
grown up.
Only you would
know a thug florist.
Watch what you say,
this guy is very dangerous.
FLORIST: I'll be right with you,
boys, soon as I put these things away.
Okay, Wally.
How could a nice florist
like that be dangerous?
Are you kidding?
They say his father made
the flower arrangements
for the St. Valentine's
Day Massacre...
Hiya, Wally, how are you?
I'd like you to meet a
friend of mine, Felix Unger.
How do you do?
Oscar, nice to see you.
Did your father
really make the...
Felix!
Wally, listen, I want to ask you
a special kind of a thing, see.
Sure...
Um... how about
a lovely, lovely...
( sneezes violently )
My friend's allergic to flowers.
Only certain flowers.
Does he like artificial flowers?
He thinks they're gauche.
All right, I'll take
an antihistamine.
Wally, I need a favor
from your other line of work.
Louie's pawnshop was
robbed this afternoon.
Again?
Yeah.
I need some water.
Here.
And my friend had
something taken out of it.
He has to get it back.
OSCAR: You got enough?
Yes.
Well, I don't know, Oscar.
You'll find most of
your serious thieves
are reticent to
give things back.
You see, they go to all
the trouble of stealing.
Oh, come on, Wally,
give me a break, will ya?
I give you good tips
at the races, don't I?
Well, yes, and you
always say such nice things
about my flowers on
the winning horses.
Are you kidding?
Horses win races
just so they can wear
your wreaths of flowers.
You're lying, but I love it.
Yes, yes, I have some contacts.
Good, good, listen,
give me a couple, will ya?
Oscar, when one writes things
down, other ones can read them.
One is sorry.
I lost my head.
You almost did.
Yes, I think Bill Green
might know who
pulled this heist.
That's his neighborhood.
He likes it because
it's near the dog pound.
The dog pound?
Yes, he's crazy for
dogs... Dogs and money.
We have to have the watch
in two or three hours.
Everybody's in a
rush except flowers.
I'll do my best, hmm?
Thank you...
thanks for the water.
That's a very cute cup.
Ah, thank you, yes,
I had that made.
Really? Where?
I have a cup maker
on Third Avenue.
Oh, will you stop that?
Thanks, Wally.
( Oscar scolding
Felix indistinctly )
Are you in the right apartment?
I must be in the
wrong apartment.
You're Unger, right?
You know me?
I already met Madison.
You did?
Oscar, are you all right?
OSCAR: Oh, I see
you two have met.
Bill Green, this is Felix Unger.
You remember, Wally said
he was gonna send over
a nice guy for us to meet.
Oh, how good of you to come
on such short notice.
Cigar?
What about it?
I, uh...
think it's gone out, that's all.
No, it hasn't.
I guess, I'm wrong.
Let's get down to business.
Okay, I know who
took your watch.
You do?
He does.
Oh, that's great...
Give me his number
and I'll call him.
Your friend hasn't been
around too long, has he?
Felix, I'm afraid
it's not that simple.
Why not?
I'm a businessman, Unger!
Listen, people lose
things, I find them.
They pay me for them.
That's capitalism!
I dig.
I'll bet you want a
reward, don't you?
I'm going to give it
to you... in advance.
Small bills, please.
Five fives small enough?
Yeah.
Where's... where's the zeros?
Zeros?
Zeros!
$25 pays for a couple
minutes of my time.
You want the watch,
it'll cost you $2,500.
The whole watch
didn't cost $2,500.
Now, wait a minute.
Look, he doesn't
have much money.
Give him a break.
Give him a break?
Oh, that's great,
give him a break.
I wish somebody would
give me a break some time!
What, do you think
guys in my profession
ain't hit by inflation?
You know how much money it costs
to store stolen goods?
Money is tight!
We understand that,
but this may be his last chance
to get back with Gloria.
Who's Gloria?
The sweetest, most
wonderful woman
who's ever lived.
His ex-wife.
See, he gave her the watch
on their first anniversary.
FELIX: 12 years we
were happy together.
12 years.
And then one day
the whole thing... over.
I'm sorry, Unger, but...
You know what
that does to a man...
To lose his wife and the
home they built together?
Tell him about your dog, Felix.
I wish you could've
seen my family.
I'll show you a picture.
Show him a picture of your dog.
Show me the dog.
Look at that.
Aw... aw, that's nice.
He's got a snapshot of his dog.
I love dogs.
Here's a picture
of my wife and kids
in front of the Christmas tree.
Isn't that a lovely family?
And a beautiful dog.
Cute kids... What
are their names?
Leonard and Edna.
And Spot.
( mock growls )
That's my wife, Gloria
and our new
wall-to-wall carpeting.
Where's the dog?
Felix never lets the
dog on the carpet.
You know something?
I just went through a divorce.
I sure miss my family.
You have a family?
What?
Crooks can't have a family?
If you prick us,
do we not bleed?
If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?
If we miss an alimony payment,
do we not hear
from our ex-wives?
Oh, he was... Oh,
boy, was he married.
Sure like to get
back with my ex.
Why don't you get back with her?
She's in prison.
All right, Unger.
I don't know how much good
it's going to do with your ex,
but I'll do my best
with the watch.
Well, like I said, he
doesn't have much money.
What's the matter with you?
Money ain't everything,
even to a capitalist.
I'll keep the five
fives for expenses.
That's very decent of you.
Just don't spread it around.
When do you think
I could get the watch?
I need it tonight.
I'll... I'll try for tonight.
There's a little problem.
The guy that stole it
gave it to his girlfriend.
When she hears my story,
don't you think she'll
want me to have it back?
Yeah, I think so.
But she really likes that mouse
with the cheese, you know?
That's a bear
with a jar of honey.
That's what I
said, whatever it is.
I don't know, I only know dogs.
Listen, um... 5:00.
Yeah?
You be in your elevator.
Your watch will be there.
Why do you leave
it in the elevator?
Why don't you bring it up to...?
What am I, a delivery boy?
I got other things
to do to make money
to make up for my
sentimental gestures.
Five fives... what is that?
Oh, another thing.
Uh, listen.
You know, uh...
you shouldn't keep
the dog off the carpet.
It's discrimination.
They sense that.
Nice.
Come on, Felix,
will you hurry up?
Come on, come on.
Where is he? Where?
He's not here.
Will you take
off that stupid...?
What do we do, push a button?
No, don't push anything.
He said be here,
don't do anything.
Why do you suppose
he's being so secretive?
The guy who stole
it is probably hot.
He's got to lay low for awhile.
Just be thankful you're
getting the watch back.
Be cool, Felix, be cool.
Oh...
FELIX: Where do
you think we're going?
The contact's probably waiting
on another floor.
When the elevator stops,
the door's will open.
The contact will come
in and give us the watch.
Felix, will you relax?
I've never done
anything like this before.
I don't usually hold business
meetings in elevators myself.
This elevator's tacky and drab.
FELIX: We're not
getting anywhere.
I've got $9.34 worth
of meat up there
that's going to be ruined.
Take it easy, will you, Felix?
Now this may be it,
but we've got to be cool,
now really cool this time.
Okay?
Do you guys live
in the building?
BOTH: Yes, yes, we do.
Good, I have something for you.
Ooh, I told you
we'd get it, didn't I?
Thank you. Thank you.
That's a toothbrush.
He's a salesman!
I've heard of these brushes.
These are excellent.
Thank you!
Hurry up, will you, Felix?
Somebody might push the buzzer.
I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry
but I had to baste.
Who cares about basting when
we don't have the watch yet?
We've just been
going around in circles.
No, we haven't, we've
been going up and down.
That's clever.
I've counted 15 people
who have come
into this elevator.
The next person's
going to be Gloria.
( sneezes )
Oh, boy.
Come on, let's give up.
No, I'm not going to give up
till we get the watch
back, I feel responsible.
I'm taking the next
round sitting down.
( object hits floor )
What's that?
It's the watch.
It's been there all the time.
Oh, I'm going to
give your Mr. Green
a piece of my mind.
This is a disgrace...
Leaving an expensive
piece of jewelry
right out here in the open
where any bum could steal it.
Felix, don't press your luck.
The price was right.
Come on, get back
to your basting.
Gloria's going... ( sneezes )
Felix, Do you know
why you're sneezing?
Why?
Because you're tense
and you're anxious about
your dinner with Gloria.
( sneezes )
You see?
Everything's gonna
turn out great.
Oh, I hope so, I hope so.
Don't forget to use
your nasal spray.
I haven't been alone
with Gloria in two years.
I don't know what to say to her.
What's wrong with,
"I've missed you"?
You're a good writer. Thank you.
Where are you going?
I don't know, I figured I'd
catch a gangster movie.
Good luck.
( soft music playing )
Felix.
What happened?
You know...
I was just sitting here thinking
all you've done on my behalf.
You're a real friend.
What are you talking about?
Didn't Gloria show up?
Oh, yes, she was right on time.
Oh, she looked so beautiful.
She had her hair
in a French twist.
She had a lovely
green silk dress.
Felix, give me
the details later.
Now, what happened?
No food was eaten,
what happened?
Oh, first we had a
glass of champagne.
Then we sat down,
it was beautiful.
Oh, you should've
seen my soufflé
before it fell... perfect.
Oh, I'm sure it was
a sight to behold,
now will you get to the point?
Well, I thought I was
being very romantic.
I served the watch
along with the roast.
She ate the watch?
She read the inscription
and she ran out sobbing.
She was that touched.
Your friend Louie never
had the watch engraved.
The guy who stole it
had it engraved
for his girlfriend.
Read.
"You're built like a..."
Isn't that romantic?
FELIX: That's right,
Murray, I want you to get
every available man
in the police force on it.
Well, how many can you get?
Well, then you try hard
by yourself, Murray.
Thank you.
What's the matter?
I'm so aggravated.
Why?
Today, you told me
Gloria forgave you.
There's a chance you
might get together again.
That's not why I'm aggravated.
Those underworld
friends of yours...
They're not to be trusted.
Of course not, they're crooks.
Bill Green with
his heart of gold.
Nonsense.
People want to believe
gangsters are sentimental...
Let me tell you, they're not.
He got you your watch back.
Did he? I spent the whole
day having it engraved
"Just One More
Chance," yesterday.
I gave it to Gloria
and she loved it.
Then, last night, burglars
broke into her house
and stole it back again.
How do you know
Bill Green did it?
He left a note.
"I fed your dog."