The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 18 - Bunny Is Missing Down by the Lake - full transcript
Oscar and Felix go into the woods and are interrupted by a girl's group.
OSCAR: I'm going fishing.
Yeah, the "Trout and
Stream" editor at the paper,
he lent me his cabin for the
weekend up in the mountains.
Oh, I'm gonna be all alone.
No sports column,
no Felix, no alimony.
No, Felix isn't coming.
He hates the mountains.
Hi, Felix.
Mother nature makes him sneeze.
Besides, it'll be good for
me to be alone for a while.
( Felix sobbing )
Did you take a wrong turn?
No, I needed a moment alone.
With your coat?
What's the matter?
I just saw my ex-wife.
Why did you go to see Gloria?
I went over to her house
to deliver her alimony check.
You went to deliver
her alimony check
in person?
Felix, I wouldn't deliver
Blanche's alimony check.
I even blur the
address when I mail it.
Blanche lives in California.
What's your hat doing there?
Yeah, but that's
not the point, Felix.
The point is that Gloria's
seeing another man.
What do you think of that?
What's to think?
You're separated.
Felix.
Felix?
I don't want to talk about it.
So she had a date this one time.
You know what
her date called her?
"Honey."
Felix, why did
you torture yourself
by hanging around
the house to meet him?
I didn't hang around the house.
I hid in the bushes.
Felix, you've got to
stop putting yourself
through all this agony
and all this jealousy.
Now nobody wants to see you
get back with Gloria
more than I do.
But you can't keep
letting her bring you down.
An ex-wife is not something
you can neatly tuck away
in the back of your mind.
If anybody can tuck it
away neatly, Felix, it's you.
Come on, buddy, it'll work out.
Everything does.
You'll cheer up.
( sighs )
You won't cheer up.
You're doing it to me
again, you know that, Felix?
How am I supposed to go
up and relax in the mountains,
you lying here with
your face down?
Don't worry about me.
If I do anything rash,
I'll leave you a note.
I can't leave you like this.
You're coming up to
the mountains with me.
You want to go up there alone.
So we'll have a lot of laughs.
We'll keep score on how
many things you're allergic to.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Here's a nice drawer
I cleaned for you.
Look at that, he
just throws stuff in.
Forget about this, Felix.
Think about the great outdoors,
rippling lakes, fresh air.
Dirt, dirt.
( sneezes )
Bless you.
You're the one
that should love this.
Pure, clean, fresh air.
You call this clean?
So it's a little rustic.
To you, a garbage
scow is rustic.
Abraham Lincoln lived like this.
That's why he wanted
to be president so much,
so he could move.
Felix, where's
your pioneer spirit?
Didn't you ever
fight the elements?
Yeah, and they always
beat me badly, too.
I'm sorry.
I'm being terrible, huh?
Yes, you are.
Come on, I want
you to enjoy yourself.
Would you be happy
if I let you dust a little?
I didn't bring any dust cloths.
Here, use my support hose.
I'll be different.
I'll be a regular Daniel Boone.
He was such a messy dresser...
That sloppy buckskin,
always chewing on a dirty twig.
What are you doing?
Brushing my teeth.
On your knees?
This is the only outlet
in the whole cabin.
That is the ugliest
thing I've ever seen.
He probably shot it.
Who would shoot paper-mache?
It's decor.
I can't even look at the thing.
What did he use
for a mating call?
The rustle of paper?
That was a great dinner.
Real mountain cooking.
It's fun cooking out of a can.
Makes me feel
like Davy Crockett.
You like Davy Crockett
better than Daniel Boone?
Yeah... history has it
that he was an excellent cook.
Davy Crockett?
Come on, Felix.
And despite what
happened at the Alamo,
his specialty was Mexican food.
( sneezes )
Bless you.
Hey, in between
sneezes, you can laugh.
Well, I don't want to
ruin your weekend.
It's not so bad up here.
I have plenty of tissues.
That's the way I
want to hear you talk.
You know, Felix,
I don't even know
if I'm going to be
able to get some sleep.
I'm as excited as a kid.
I set the alarm for 5:00,
'cause I hear the fish
are biting like crazy.
What is it, Felix?
You know I've got
to sleep down here.
I thought you'd
rather sleep up there...
Better for your sinuses.
Better for my sinuses,
but worse for my ears.
They get plugged up.
Okay, Felix.
If your ears are plugged up,
you won't be able
to hear the fish bite.
( sneezes )
Is that the alarm?
No, just a sneeze.
Go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep.
Don't forget to
wake me up at 5:00.
It's after 5:00.
Yeah, what time is it?
It's 10:30.
10:30?
10:30!
10:30!
I told you to wake me up.
You were sleeping so peacefully.
You need the rest.
You came up here for rest.
I can always rest.
I can always sleep!
I wanted to go fishing!
Why can't you go fishing now?
Because all the
fish are asleep now.
Maybe I'll be lucky,
maybe I'll catch one
that has insomnia.
You were going to wake me up.
Sorry.
Where are my worms?
I freed them.
You what?!
Well, they were so
miserable in that can
all twisted up together.
I threw them out in the woods
where they belong.
They were born free.
Worms are not born free!
They're born to
be put on a hook!
I can't stand to see
any little creatures suffer.
I'd like to see...
I'd like to see you suffer.
You should be ashamed
deep in your soul,
talking to me like that.
I'm going fishing,
that's what I'm doing.
I'm going fishing... ( yells )
Aha! God punished you.
Will you cut that out?
I'm sorry, Felix.
I shouldn't have got mad at you.
Well, I'm sorry if your
vacation is spoiled,
but you don't have
to try to kill me.
At least the rain has
stopped my sneezing.
Hey, you cleaned up the cabin.
Where'd you find the time?
I moved fast.
A rat was chasing me.
( chuckles )
Felix, we're going
to have a good time.
What would you like to do?
Anything. Anything at all.
You know me, I'm
game for anything.
What do you want to do?
Well, what are you reading?
Shakespeare.
I found a volume here.
I think you have a very
literate fishing editor.
"But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?
"It is the east and
Juliet is the sun.
"Arise... That's not fun.
I think it's fun.
I used to read
Shakespeare to Gloria.
Oh, Felix, now don't go down
in the sewer again, will ya?
Tell me a joke.
A joke?
A joke, a joke.
There were two guys in a
bar, see, and they were talking.
And the first guy says,
"I've got laryngitis, see?"
Now the second guy says,
"Hey, when I have laryngitis,
"I go home, I tell my wife, and
she gives me hugs and kisses
"and she whispers sweet
nothings in my ear and it goes away.
You ought to try it sometime."
And the first guy says,
"Okay, what's your address?"
( laughing )
Doesn't make sense.
What doesn't make sense?
How would hugging and kissing
and sweet nothings
cure his laryngitis?
I don't know how hugging
and kissing... ( mumbling )
I don't know!
You're not supposed
to analyze a joke, Felix.
You laugh at a joke!
Tell me a funny one
and I'll laugh at it.
You can hang by your nose
till I tell you another joke!
What kind of reaction is that?
Why does nothingness...?
I give up.
Can't cheer you up.
You're worse than a soap opera.
Yeah, here we are, like two guys
stranded on a desert island.
So where's the beautiful girl
that's supposed to
be washed ashore?
You see how upset I am?
I just saw a mirage.
Beautiful girl, had a blue thing
and a yellow sailor hat... Hi.
Hi.
You're not a mirage?
What?
Come in, come in, come in.
Oh, listen, I'm awful
sorry to bother you.
I know everyone says
that, but I really am sorry.
Oh, it's no bother,
no bother at all.
I'm Julie Thompson.
Hi. I'm Oscar Madison.
My friend, Felix
Unger. How do you do?
I suppose you're wondering
what I'm doing here.
Yeah, I am. What
are you doing here?
Well, you see, I was
on this nature excursion
with three other girls
and we got caught
in the downpour.
Three other girls?
GIRL: You see, we
tried to make it back,
but the bridge was
out so I took a chance
and came running on ahead
to see if I could
find some shelter.
You found it,
Julie, you found it.
It is simply pouring out here.
I hope those other
girls are all right.
Oh, I'm sure they are.
They're just down the road.
I better go get them.
Oh, no, no, I
wouldn't think of it.
You're liable to catch cold.
That's true... no, I insist.
Oh, no, I insist.
Listen, I know
exactly where they are.
I'll just be a minute.
Okay. Thanks.
Felix... you, me
and four chicks!
Are you sure this won't
be an inconvenience?
Oh, absolutely not
an inconvenience.
You're both very sweet.
Thanks.
You talk about luck!
You call this luck?
I call it depression.
She made me think of Gloria.
Are you crazy, Felix?
This is exactly what you need:
Another girl to take
your mind off Gloria.
I tell you what, I'll give
you the pick of the three.
I'll take Julie.
I don't want my
pick... I want Gloria.
Felix, they're here.
Come on, cheer up, will you?
Remember, I got Julie.
You got Julie.
You probably have Gloria.
She dates everybody.
JULIE: Hurry up, girls.
Girls...
These gentlemen
are going to put us up
until the rain stops.
This is Mr. Madison
and Mr. Unger.
This is Bunny, Cindy and Lois.
Hi.
Come on over by the fire.
What's the matter with you?
Now I'm depressed.
I finally found a beautiful
girl in this wilderness
and she comes up here
with the Brady Bunch.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Cheer up.
Put on your happy hat.
What's a happy hat?
How are you, girls?
Happy hat?
Hey, how do you like our cabin?
Oh, it's groovy.
Having fun?
No, I'm bored.
How about a game of charades?
Yech!
That's for squares.
Hey... whose camera is this?
Miss Thompson,
Cindy is touching
the man's things.
That's all right.
I'm a photographer.
Is it a good job?
It's a jungle... but I love it.
You're a very quiet little girl.
Don't you want to
look at my camera?
No, thank you.
I'd rather look at this book.
May I?
Sure.
Thank you.
She reads all the time.
She's weird.
She never plays with anybody.
We all hate her.
Why, that's terrible.
Wait till you get to know her.
You'll hate her, too.
FELIX: Maybe she's lonely.
I'm not.
I have a boyfriend.
You see?
I carry his tooth
around my neck.
That's very romantic.
You have a girlfriend?
Yes.
What's her name?
Gloria... I call her Gloria.
Mr. Unger is a
great photographer.
He's going to take
your picture later.
You look sad, Felix.
Could I talk to you
for a minute alone?
Oh, sure, yeah.
What's in the kitchen?
Where you going?
Nothing's in the kitchen.
Nothing's in the kitchen.
Mr. Unger's going to put on
his happy hat and entertain you.
Read something funny
in Shakespeare to them.
I'll try.
Julie, I'm gonna level with you
because you seem like
very considerate person.
I love helping my fellow man.
I could tell that about
you when we met.
Well, I know somebody
that really needs your help.
Oscar, I sense a come-on.
Well, I bet you never
heard one like this before.
I want you to convince
Felix that he's lucky in love.
I don't want you to really
throw yourself at him.
Just kind of throw
yourself at him.
Now wait a minute, I
love helping people,
I mean, I really do,
but I draw the line...
Shush, will you?
Julie, wow!
I just want you to talk to him.
The man is depressed.
Yeah, I noticed.
I hope it's not because of us.
Oh, no, no, no,
it's his ex-wife,
and with him,
it's a catastrophe.
See, he's very emotional.
Do you know to this
very day, he still mopes
on the anniversary
of Eddie Fisher and
Debbie Reynolds' divorce.
They were a cute couple.
"How silver sweet sound
lovers' tongues by night
"like softest music
to attending ears.
"Romeo?"
"My sweet."
"At what o'clock tomorrow,
shall I send to thee?"
"At the hour of 9:00."
"I will not fail.
"'Tis 20 years till then.
I have forgot why I
did call thee back."
"Let me stand here
till thou remember it."
That was beautiful.
Beautiful?
That was sad.
Do you realize
that guy is laughing
on the outside,
but he's crying on the inside?
Come here, Julie.
Julie, he needs a
woman to talk to.
Okay, okay, I'll volunteer.
You will?
Yeah. I know this sounds silly,
but I really do love
helping people.
And I can tell that man
out there needs help.
You're a great
humanitarian, Julie.
Oscar, this was your idea.
I think I just cut my throat.
You know, you're
very good, Bunny.
You show real
feeling as an actress.
Thank you.
I still think she's weird.
I don't.
I think you're a
little weird, too.
Miss Thompson!
Cindy just insulted
the man again.
FELIX: That's all right.
I'm used to it.
Mr. Unger, I think
you're a great actor.
Better than Bobby Sherman.
Okay, come on, girls.
Let's feed the fire.
I don't want to.
Who asked you?
Hey, would you like to
try on my new fishing cap?
The one with all the
colorful hooks in it?
I, uh, couldn't help overhearing
your little scene with Bunny.
You're really quite good.
Thank you, thank you.
I enjoy tragedies.
I want to double-cut them
after you finish shuffling.
My first real job,
the first job I ever
made any money from
was photographing our
high school graduating class.
Then I moved on and started
doing junior colleges, you know.
That's where I met my ex-wife.
But that's another story.
Well, I think
that's fascinating.
Listen... the rain stopped.
Oh, come on, let's go outside.
Show me how to set up a shot.
Can I go, too?
Oh, no, Bunny.
Aw, please?
Mr. Unger and I want to
be alone for a few moments.
Mr. Madison's going
to take care of you.
This isn't right.
You wanted to be with Julie.
Forget it.
Listen, it's obvious
she digs you.
That happy hat
routine must work.
You see, we have all kinds
of modern lighting techniques,
but we haven't been
able to beat mother nature,
who supplies only
one source of light.
Felix, I really don't want
to talk about photography.
I'd rather talk about you.
I was just getting rolling.
Oh, come on now, I know
something is bothering you.
Oscar's a good friend,
but he's got a big mouth.
Now he knew you were down
so he just asked
me to cheer you up.
You really want to talk?
Sure... come on,
let's sit down and talk.
( growling goofily )
Ow!
I'm bored.
Kids don't laugh at that
kind of junk anymore.
It's not what's happening.
You should watch
Sesame Street, Oscar.
Okay, wait till you
see my impression.
You'll guess who
this is in a second.
Wait till you see... All
right, ready, here we go.
I'm gonna go feed the chickens
and then I got to feed the cows
and then I'm gonna milk the cows
and then I'm gonna go down
and see my old friend, Cooper.
Donald Duck?
That ain't Donald Duck,
it's Walter Brennan!
Don't you remember
Walter Brennan?
With the shoulders and the leg?
And look at me trying to explain
to them who Walter Brennan is.
Felix is out there
with a beautiful blonde
and I'm in here
getting bad reviews.
When I went to Gloria's
to deliver the alimony check...
You deliver your alimony check?
That's when I saw
her with another man
and got jealous.
I know the break-up
was my fault.
I'm compulsively neat,
I have a million allergies...
I thought I'd outgrown jealousy.
Oh, I don't think any of
us ever outgrows jealousy.
In fact, I can see Oscar
jealously watching
us from the cabin.
LOIS: What are you
staring at, Mr. Madison?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Hey, girls, I've
got a great idea.
How about something to eat?
Come on, we'll raid the ice box?
That's a good idea.
Yeah, better than
a dancing moose.
Come on, Bunny.
No, thank you.
I told you she was weird.
I'm a little worried
about you, too.
You know, Julie,
you're a very nice girl.
Thank you.
You and Oscar could
get along very well.
Oscar and me!
I'm beginning to feel
like a bouncing ball.
Listen...
Oscar, I've got
something to tell you.
Yeah, well, I got
something to tell you.
Bunny is missing.
BOTH: What?
Yeah, she's gone.
After my James Cagney
impression of Bond,
well, we decided to
play hide-and-seek.
Later, I took a head
count and she was missing.
You're sure?
Felix, I can count to three.
Okay, what are we going to do?
You go back to the cabin.
Oscar and I will find her.
Well, listen, I'm
getting worried.
Bunny is a good camper,
but it's going to get dark soon.
We'll find her.
Listen, maybe she headed
back towards the camp.
All right, I'll go back and
stay with the kids at the cabin.
Oh, good luck.
Let's head east.
This way is east.
How do you know that?
Because the sun
rises in the east
and sets in the west.
How do you know that?
I just made it up.
Bunny!
Bunny!
Bunny... ha!
What's the matter?
Ooh, my foot.
It's caught in quicksand.
Help me, I'm
sinking, I'm sinking!
Your foot is stuck
in a wet chuck hole.
Pull it out.
Pull it out!
Bunny!
Now what?
I think I sprained
it, Felix, it hurts.
Then lean against the rock
and I'll come back
and pick you up
in a couple of days.
A couple of days?
You're going to leave me
here alone a couple days?
Felix, it's dangerous...
Mud, quicksand.
There's more mud
in your bedroom.
Bunny!
Bunny!
Bunny?
Not so fast, Felix, I
can't move that fast.
I've got to rest a minute.
Give me the compass.
I can't give it to you, Felix.
Why not?
Because, I lost it.
You lost the compass?
Yeah, I lost the compass.
Listen, I got scared when
that wild animal ran by.
I dropped it in the lake.
That wild animal was a rabbit.
Yeah, well, I hear
they're very poisonous.
( wolf howls )
( hooting )
Bunny!
Bunny!
How's your little foot?
It's getting better.
Can we rest now?
No.
Bunny!
BUNNY: Mr. Unger?
Bunny! Is that you?
BUNNY: Romeo, Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father!
Refuse thy name!
Whatever happened
to "Help, I'm over here?"
Bunny?
Bunny!
Bunny!
Felix!
( sobbing )
Hey... there, there.
Don't cry.
Oh, everything's all right.
Everything's going to be fine.
Are you still doing
Walter Brennan?
No, I hurt my foot.
Don't worry about him.
Yeah, don't worry about Oscar.
He's just a humanitarian.
I think you and I better have
a private little
talk, young lady.
You're going to have
a private little talk
with a ten-year-old in the
middle of this wilderness?
That's right, do you mind?
No, be my guest.
You know, you
gave us quite a scare.
I could shake you.
Even you?
Of course even me.
Why did you run away?
Because you were
jealous of somebody?
We were just beginning
to know each other
when Julie took you away.
Aw, Julie didn't take me away.
Anyway, I think...
I think I'm a little old to
be your Romeo, don't you?
Although I'm very flattered.
That's how Todd
Anderson felt, too.
Who?
Well, he was my boyfriend,
but he broke up with me.
He said I was too young.
He thinks he's really neat
just because he's an A-9.
So he gave his
ring to Karen Foley.
She just got her braces off.
Well, that will age a
young lady, won't it?
I-I... I guess it's
immature to be jealous.
I think it is.
When you're jealous,
you only hurt yourself.
You know, you're very wise.
I'm not so sure.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Now I'm through
being a humanitarian.
It's freezing cold.
I got an ant in my pocket
that's eating me up alive.
It's time to help Oscar.
Ready to face the world?
Okay, let's go.
Mr. Unger?
Could we make a pact?
A pact?
20 years from today,
if neither one of us is married,
could we meet in front
of the Central Park Zoo
at midnight?
It's a date.
Now all we have to do
is find our way
back to the cabin.
Yeah.
BOTH MEN: Julie!
ALL THREE: Julie!
I hope you'll call me up next
time you're in the mountains.
How about the next
time you're in the city?
Oh, great, let's
exchange numbers.
I happen to have
mine all written out.
I do, too.
Okay, girls.
The zoo in 20 years?
Oh, I'll be there.
He won't.
He'll be about 80 by then.
Cindy, I want to
take your picture.
Will you send me a copy?
No.
Good-bye, girls.
Good-bye, Julie.
Oh, Felix. Thank you very much.
Bye, Oscar... thanks, fellas.
So long, kids. Take care now.
Good-bye, Bunny.
Isn't that Julie a
wonderful person?
Yeah, she makes you
want to help your fellow man.
You helped me this weekend.
Thanks a lot.
You made me forget, you know.
It's okay for you.
I just happened to
think about Blanche.
And that made you sad?
No, it made me mad.
I just remembered
I'm behind on my
alimony payments.
Knowing Blanche, that
means I could end up in jail,
which means I won't see Julie
when I get back to the city.
It means I could spend
the rest of my life in jail... ow!
Hold it, hold it.
Yeah, the "Trout and
Stream" editor at the paper,
he lent me his cabin for the
weekend up in the mountains.
Oh, I'm gonna be all alone.
No sports column,
no Felix, no alimony.
No, Felix isn't coming.
He hates the mountains.
Hi, Felix.
Mother nature makes him sneeze.
Besides, it'll be good for
me to be alone for a while.
( Felix sobbing )
Did you take a wrong turn?
No, I needed a moment alone.
With your coat?
What's the matter?
I just saw my ex-wife.
Why did you go to see Gloria?
I went over to her house
to deliver her alimony check.
You went to deliver
her alimony check
in person?
Felix, I wouldn't deliver
Blanche's alimony check.
I even blur the
address when I mail it.
Blanche lives in California.
What's your hat doing there?
Yeah, but that's
not the point, Felix.
The point is that Gloria's
seeing another man.
What do you think of that?
What's to think?
You're separated.
Felix.
Felix?
I don't want to talk about it.
So she had a date this one time.
You know what
her date called her?
"Honey."
Felix, why did
you torture yourself
by hanging around
the house to meet him?
I didn't hang around the house.
I hid in the bushes.
Felix, you've got to
stop putting yourself
through all this agony
and all this jealousy.
Now nobody wants to see you
get back with Gloria
more than I do.
But you can't keep
letting her bring you down.
An ex-wife is not something
you can neatly tuck away
in the back of your mind.
If anybody can tuck it
away neatly, Felix, it's you.
Come on, buddy, it'll work out.
Everything does.
You'll cheer up.
( sighs )
You won't cheer up.
You're doing it to me
again, you know that, Felix?
How am I supposed to go
up and relax in the mountains,
you lying here with
your face down?
Don't worry about me.
If I do anything rash,
I'll leave you a note.
I can't leave you like this.
You're coming up to
the mountains with me.
You want to go up there alone.
So we'll have a lot of laughs.
We'll keep score on how
many things you're allergic to.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
Here's a nice drawer
I cleaned for you.
Look at that, he
just throws stuff in.
Forget about this, Felix.
Think about the great outdoors,
rippling lakes, fresh air.
Dirt, dirt.
( sneezes )
Bless you.
You're the one
that should love this.
Pure, clean, fresh air.
You call this clean?
So it's a little rustic.
To you, a garbage
scow is rustic.
Abraham Lincoln lived like this.
That's why he wanted
to be president so much,
so he could move.
Felix, where's
your pioneer spirit?
Didn't you ever
fight the elements?
Yeah, and they always
beat me badly, too.
I'm sorry.
I'm being terrible, huh?
Yes, you are.
Come on, I want
you to enjoy yourself.
Would you be happy
if I let you dust a little?
I didn't bring any dust cloths.
Here, use my support hose.
I'll be different.
I'll be a regular Daniel Boone.
He was such a messy dresser...
That sloppy buckskin,
always chewing on a dirty twig.
What are you doing?
Brushing my teeth.
On your knees?
This is the only outlet
in the whole cabin.
That is the ugliest
thing I've ever seen.
He probably shot it.
Who would shoot paper-mache?
It's decor.
I can't even look at the thing.
What did he use
for a mating call?
The rustle of paper?
That was a great dinner.
Real mountain cooking.
It's fun cooking out of a can.
Makes me feel
like Davy Crockett.
You like Davy Crockett
better than Daniel Boone?
Yeah... history has it
that he was an excellent cook.
Davy Crockett?
Come on, Felix.
And despite what
happened at the Alamo,
his specialty was Mexican food.
( sneezes )
Bless you.
Hey, in between
sneezes, you can laugh.
Well, I don't want to
ruin your weekend.
It's not so bad up here.
I have plenty of tissues.
That's the way I
want to hear you talk.
You know, Felix,
I don't even know
if I'm going to be
able to get some sleep.
I'm as excited as a kid.
I set the alarm for 5:00,
'cause I hear the fish
are biting like crazy.
What is it, Felix?
You know I've got
to sleep down here.
I thought you'd
rather sleep up there...
Better for your sinuses.
Better for my sinuses,
but worse for my ears.
They get plugged up.
Okay, Felix.
If your ears are plugged up,
you won't be able
to hear the fish bite.
( sneezes )
Is that the alarm?
No, just a sneeze.
Go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep.
Don't forget to
wake me up at 5:00.
It's after 5:00.
Yeah, what time is it?
It's 10:30.
10:30?
10:30!
10:30!
I told you to wake me up.
You were sleeping so peacefully.
You need the rest.
You came up here for rest.
I can always rest.
I can always sleep!
I wanted to go fishing!
Why can't you go fishing now?
Because all the
fish are asleep now.
Maybe I'll be lucky,
maybe I'll catch one
that has insomnia.
You were going to wake me up.
Sorry.
Where are my worms?
I freed them.
You what?!
Well, they were so
miserable in that can
all twisted up together.
I threw them out in the woods
where they belong.
They were born free.
Worms are not born free!
They're born to
be put on a hook!
I can't stand to see
any little creatures suffer.
I'd like to see...
I'd like to see you suffer.
You should be ashamed
deep in your soul,
talking to me like that.
I'm going fishing,
that's what I'm doing.
I'm going fishing... ( yells )
Aha! God punished you.
Will you cut that out?
I'm sorry, Felix.
I shouldn't have got mad at you.
Well, I'm sorry if your
vacation is spoiled,
but you don't have
to try to kill me.
At least the rain has
stopped my sneezing.
Hey, you cleaned up the cabin.
Where'd you find the time?
I moved fast.
A rat was chasing me.
( chuckles )
Felix, we're going
to have a good time.
What would you like to do?
Anything. Anything at all.
You know me, I'm
game for anything.
What do you want to do?
Well, what are you reading?
Shakespeare.
I found a volume here.
I think you have a very
literate fishing editor.
"But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?
"It is the east and
Juliet is the sun.
"Arise... That's not fun.
I think it's fun.
I used to read
Shakespeare to Gloria.
Oh, Felix, now don't go down
in the sewer again, will ya?
Tell me a joke.
A joke?
A joke, a joke.
There were two guys in a
bar, see, and they were talking.
And the first guy says,
"I've got laryngitis, see?"
Now the second guy says,
"Hey, when I have laryngitis,
"I go home, I tell my wife, and
she gives me hugs and kisses
"and she whispers sweet
nothings in my ear and it goes away.
You ought to try it sometime."
And the first guy says,
"Okay, what's your address?"
( laughing )
Doesn't make sense.
What doesn't make sense?
How would hugging and kissing
and sweet nothings
cure his laryngitis?
I don't know how hugging
and kissing... ( mumbling )
I don't know!
You're not supposed
to analyze a joke, Felix.
You laugh at a joke!
Tell me a funny one
and I'll laugh at it.
You can hang by your nose
till I tell you another joke!
What kind of reaction is that?
Why does nothingness...?
I give up.
Can't cheer you up.
You're worse than a soap opera.
Yeah, here we are, like two guys
stranded on a desert island.
So where's the beautiful girl
that's supposed to
be washed ashore?
You see how upset I am?
I just saw a mirage.
Beautiful girl, had a blue thing
and a yellow sailor hat... Hi.
Hi.
You're not a mirage?
What?
Come in, come in, come in.
Oh, listen, I'm awful
sorry to bother you.
I know everyone says
that, but I really am sorry.
Oh, it's no bother,
no bother at all.
I'm Julie Thompson.
Hi. I'm Oscar Madison.
My friend, Felix
Unger. How do you do?
I suppose you're wondering
what I'm doing here.
Yeah, I am. What
are you doing here?
Well, you see, I was
on this nature excursion
with three other girls
and we got caught
in the downpour.
Three other girls?
GIRL: You see, we
tried to make it back,
but the bridge was
out so I took a chance
and came running on ahead
to see if I could
find some shelter.
You found it,
Julie, you found it.
It is simply pouring out here.
I hope those other
girls are all right.
Oh, I'm sure they are.
They're just down the road.
I better go get them.
Oh, no, no, I
wouldn't think of it.
You're liable to catch cold.
That's true... no, I insist.
Oh, no, I insist.
Listen, I know
exactly where they are.
I'll just be a minute.
Okay. Thanks.
Felix... you, me
and four chicks!
Are you sure this won't
be an inconvenience?
Oh, absolutely not
an inconvenience.
You're both very sweet.
Thanks.
You talk about luck!
You call this luck?
I call it depression.
She made me think of Gloria.
Are you crazy, Felix?
This is exactly what you need:
Another girl to take
your mind off Gloria.
I tell you what, I'll give
you the pick of the three.
I'll take Julie.
I don't want my
pick... I want Gloria.
Felix, they're here.
Come on, cheer up, will you?
Remember, I got Julie.
You got Julie.
You probably have Gloria.
She dates everybody.
JULIE: Hurry up, girls.
Girls...
These gentlemen
are going to put us up
until the rain stops.
This is Mr. Madison
and Mr. Unger.
This is Bunny, Cindy and Lois.
Hi.
Come on over by the fire.
What's the matter with you?
Now I'm depressed.
I finally found a beautiful
girl in this wilderness
and she comes up here
with the Brady Bunch.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
Cheer up.
Put on your happy hat.
What's a happy hat?
How are you, girls?
Happy hat?
Hey, how do you like our cabin?
Oh, it's groovy.
Having fun?
No, I'm bored.
How about a game of charades?
Yech!
That's for squares.
Hey... whose camera is this?
Miss Thompson,
Cindy is touching
the man's things.
That's all right.
I'm a photographer.
Is it a good job?
It's a jungle... but I love it.
You're a very quiet little girl.
Don't you want to
look at my camera?
No, thank you.
I'd rather look at this book.
May I?
Sure.
Thank you.
She reads all the time.
She's weird.
She never plays with anybody.
We all hate her.
Why, that's terrible.
Wait till you get to know her.
You'll hate her, too.
FELIX: Maybe she's lonely.
I'm not.
I have a boyfriend.
You see?
I carry his tooth
around my neck.
That's very romantic.
You have a girlfriend?
Yes.
What's her name?
Gloria... I call her Gloria.
Mr. Unger is a
great photographer.
He's going to take
your picture later.
You look sad, Felix.
Could I talk to you
for a minute alone?
Oh, sure, yeah.
What's in the kitchen?
Where you going?
Nothing's in the kitchen.
Nothing's in the kitchen.
Mr. Unger's going to put on
his happy hat and entertain you.
Read something funny
in Shakespeare to them.
I'll try.
Julie, I'm gonna level with you
because you seem like
very considerate person.
I love helping my fellow man.
I could tell that about
you when we met.
Well, I know somebody
that really needs your help.
Oscar, I sense a come-on.
Well, I bet you never
heard one like this before.
I want you to convince
Felix that he's lucky in love.
I don't want you to really
throw yourself at him.
Just kind of throw
yourself at him.
Now wait a minute, I
love helping people,
I mean, I really do,
but I draw the line...
Shush, will you?
Julie, wow!
I just want you to talk to him.
The man is depressed.
Yeah, I noticed.
I hope it's not because of us.
Oh, no, no, no,
it's his ex-wife,
and with him,
it's a catastrophe.
See, he's very emotional.
Do you know to this
very day, he still mopes
on the anniversary
of Eddie Fisher and
Debbie Reynolds' divorce.
They were a cute couple.
"How silver sweet sound
lovers' tongues by night
"like softest music
to attending ears.
"Romeo?"
"My sweet."
"At what o'clock tomorrow,
shall I send to thee?"
"At the hour of 9:00."
"I will not fail.
"'Tis 20 years till then.
I have forgot why I
did call thee back."
"Let me stand here
till thou remember it."
That was beautiful.
Beautiful?
That was sad.
Do you realize
that guy is laughing
on the outside,
but he's crying on the inside?
Come here, Julie.
Julie, he needs a
woman to talk to.
Okay, okay, I'll volunteer.
You will?
Yeah. I know this sounds silly,
but I really do love
helping people.
And I can tell that man
out there needs help.
You're a great
humanitarian, Julie.
Oscar, this was your idea.
I think I just cut my throat.
You know, you're
very good, Bunny.
You show real
feeling as an actress.
Thank you.
I still think she's weird.
I don't.
I think you're a
little weird, too.
Miss Thompson!
Cindy just insulted
the man again.
FELIX: That's all right.
I'm used to it.
Mr. Unger, I think
you're a great actor.
Better than Bobby Sherman.
Okay, come on, girls.
Let's feed the fire.
I don't want to.
Who asked you?
Hey, would you like to
try on my new fishing cap?
The one with all the
colorful hooks in it?
I, uh, couldn't help overhearing
your little scene with Bunny.
You're really quite good.
Thank you, thank you.
I enjoy tragedies.
I want to double-cut them
after you finish shuffling.
My first real job,
the first job I ever
made any money from
was photographing our
high school graduating class.
Then I moved on and started
doing junior colleges, you know.
That's where I met my ex-wife.
But that's another story.
Well, I think
that's fascinating.
Listen... the rain stopped.
Oh, come on, let's go outside.
Show me how to set up a shot.
Can I go, too?
Oh, no, Bunny.
Aw, please?
Mr. Unger and I want to
be alone for a few moments.
Mr. Madison's going
to take care of you.
This isn't right.
You wanted to be with Julie.
Forget it.
Listen, it's obvious
she digs you.
That happy hat
routine must work.
You see, we have all kinds
of modern lighting techniques,
but we haven't been
able to beat mother nature,
who supplies only
one source of light.
Felix, I really don't want
to talk about photography.
I'd rather talk about you.
I was just getting rolling.
Oh, come on now, I know
something is bothering you.
Oscar's a good friend,
but he's got a big mouth.
Now he knew you were down
so he just asked
me to cheer you up.
You really want to talk?
Sure... come on,
let's sit down and talk.
( growling goofily )
Ow!
I'm bored.
Kids don't laugh at that
kind of junk anymore.
It's not what's happening.
You should watch
Sesame Street, Oscar.
Okay, wait till you
see my impression.
You'll guess who
this is in a second.
Wait till you see... All
right, ready, here we go.
I'm gonna go feed the chickens
and then I got to feed the cows
and then I'm gonna milk the cows
and then I'm gonna go down
and see my old friend, Cooper.
Donald Duck?
That ain't Donald Duck,
it's Walter Brennan!
Don't you remember
Walter Brennan?
With the shoulders and the leg?
And look at me trying to explain
to them who Walter Brennan is.
Felix is out there
with a beautiful blonde
and I'm in here
getting bad reviews.
When I went to Gloria's
to deliver the alimony check...
You deliver your alimony check?
That's when I saw
her with another man
and got jealous.
I know the break-up
was my fault.
I'm compulsively neat,
I have a million allergies...
I thought I'd outgrown jealousy.
Oh, I don't think any of
us ever outgrows jealousy.
In fact, I can see Oscar
jealously watching
us from the cabin.
LOIS: What are you
staring at, Mr. Madison?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Hey, girls, I've
got a great idea.
How about something to eat?
Come on, we'll raid the ice box?
That's a good idea.
Yeah, better than
a dancing moose.
Come on, Bunny.
No, thank you.
I told you she was weird.
I'm a little worried
about you, too.
You know, Julie,
you're a very nice girl.
Thank you.
You and Oscar could
get along very well.
Oscar and me!
I'm beginning to feel
like a bouncing ball.
Listen...
Oscar, I've got
something to tell you.
Yeah, well, I got
something to tell you.
Bunny is missing.
BOTH: What?
Yeah, she's gone.
After my James Cagney
impression of Bond,
well, we decided to
play hide-and-seek.
Later, I took a head
count and she was missing.
You're sure?
Felix, I can count to three.
Okay, what are we going to do?
You go back to the cabin.
Oscar and I will find her.
Well, listen, I'm
getting worried.
Bunny is a good camper,
but it's going to get dark soon.
We'll find her.
Listen, maybe she headed
back towards the camp.
All right, I'll go back and
stay with the kids at the cabin.
Oh, good luck.
Let's head east.
This way is east.
How do you know that?
Because the sun
rises in the east
and sets in the west.
How do you know that?
I just made it up.
Bunny!
Bunny!
Bunny... ha!
What's the matter?
Ooh, my foot.
It's caught in quicksand.
Help me, I'm
sinking, I'm sinking!
Your foot is stuck
in a wet chuck hole.
Pull it out.
Pull it out!
Bunny!
Now what?
I think I sprained
it, Felix, it hurts.
Then lean against the rock
and I'll come back
and pick you up
in a couple of days.
A couple of days?
You're going to leave me
here alone a couple days?
Felix, it's dangerous...
Mud, quicksand.
There's more mud
in your bedroom.
Bunny!
Bunny!
Bunny?
Not so fast, Felix, I
can't move that fast.
I've got to rest a minute.
Give me the compass.
I can't give it to you, Felix.
Why not?
Because, I lost it.
You lost the compass?
Yeah, I lost the compass.
Listen, I got scared when
that wild animal ran by.
I dropped it in the lake.
That wild animal was a rabbit.
Yeah, well, I hear
they're very poisonous.
( wolf howls )
( hooting )
Bunny!
Bunny!
How's your little foot?
It's getting better.
Can we rest now?
No.
Bunny!
BUNNY: Mr. Unger?
Bunny! Is that you?
BUNNY: Romeo, Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father!
Refuse thy name!
Whatever happened
to "Help, I'm over here?"
Bunny?
Bunny!
Bunny!
Felix!
( sobbing )
Hey... there, there.
Don't cry.
Oh, everything's all right.
Everything's going to be fine.
Are you still doing
Walter Brennan?
No, I hurt my foot.
Don't worry about him.
Yeah, don't worry about Oscar.
He's just a humanitarian.
I think you and I better have
a private little
talk, young lady.
You're going to have
a private little talk
with a ten-year-old in the
middle of this wilderness?
That's right, do you mind?
No, be my guest.
You know, you
gave us quite a scare.
I could shake you.
Even you?
Of course even me.
Why did you run away?
Because you were
jealous of somebody?
We were just beginning
to know each other
when Julie took you away.
Aw, Julie didn't take me away.
Anyway, I think...
I think I'm a little old to
be your Romeo, don't you?
Although I'm very flattered.
That's how Todd
Anderson felt, too.
Who?
Well, he was my boyfriend,
but he broke up with me.
He said I was too young.
He thinks he's really neat
just because he's an A-9.
So he gave his
ring to Karen Foley.
She just got her braces off.
Well, that will age a
young lady, won't it?
I-I... I guess it's
immature to be jealous.
I think it is.
When you're jealous,
you only hurt yourself.
You know, you're very wise.
I'm not so sure.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Now I'm through
being a humanitarian.
It's freezing cold.
I got an ant in my pocket
that's eating me up alive.
It's time to help Oscar.
Ready to face the world?
Okay, let's go.
Mr. Unger?
Could we make a pact?
A pact?
20 years from today,
if neither one of us is married,
could we meet in front
of the Central Park Zoo
at midnight?
It's a date.
Now all we have to do
is find our way
back to the cabin.
Yeah.
BOTH MEN: Julie!
ALL THREE: Julie!
I hope you'll call me up next
time you're in the mountains.
How about the next
time you're in the city?
Oh, great, let's
exchange numbers.
I happen to have
mine all written out.
I do, too.
Okay, girls.
The zoo in 20 years?
Oh, I'll be there.
He won't.
He'll be about 80 by then.
Cindy, I want to
take your picture.
Will you send me a copy?
No.
Good-bye, girls.
Good-bye, Julie.
Oh, Felix. Thank you very much.
Bye, Oscar... thanks, fellas.
So long, kids. Take care now.
Good-bye, Bunny.
Isn't that Julie a
wonderful person?
Yeah, she makes you
want to help your fellow man.
You helped me this weekend.
Thanks a lot.
You made me forget, you know.
It's okay for you.
I just happened to
think about Blanche.
And that made you sad?
No, it made me mad.
I just remembered
I'm behind on my
alimony payments.
Knowing Blanche, that
means I could end up in jail,
which means I won't see Julie
when I get back to the city.
It means I could spend
the rest of my life in jail... ow!
Hold it, hold it.