The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 19 - You've Come a Long Way, Baby - full transcript
Oscar is all set to go to a sportswriter's dinner, but Felix can't leave since he found a baby.
( phone ringing )
I'm sorry, just one minute.
Just one minute.
Felix Unger Studio.
This call is being
answered mechanically.
When you hear the tone, you
may leave a brief message.
( imitates beep )
Cut it out, will you, Felix?
I know it's you.
That beep usually
fools everybody.
Yeah, well, I know beeps.
And what are you
doing at work, anyway?
You should be on your way home.
The toast-and-roast dinner
starts in a couple of hours.
You know I want
to rehearse that skit.
I know, I know.
I also know
that the International Daisy
Damper account was today.
So?
So I've had over two dozen
babies of every nationality
howling in my ear all day long.
Yeah, I understand.
What you don't understand
is that for each and
every howling baby,
there was one howling mother.
Felix, I'm very sorry
about your brutal day,
but I'm more
concerned about tonight.
Do you know what an
honor it is to be chosen
to do a skit at the
sports writers' dinner?
I want to do the skit,
and I will be ready.
You'd better. We got
a tough act to follow.
Ten of the Jet
football players...
They're gonna put on dresses,
and they're gonna imitate
the Radio City Rockettes.
Yeah? We'll top
them. ( baby crying )
You know, I think
I'm losing my mind.
I'm still hearing babies crying.
It's impossible.
Everybody's left.
What?
Hold on for just a minute.
What, "hold on"?
What is that... "hold on"?!
Like I haven't been
waiting 20 years
to do the skit, to be chosen!
"Hold on"?! You're
cra... Felix! Felix.
Oscar, you'll
never believe this.
Felix, I want you to
come home right now.
Now, this night is
too important for me.
I don't want you to louse
it up like you always do,
and no surprises.
No surprises.
( babbles )
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday, he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
"I would humbly
like to thank you
"for this award
for the best skit
"and humbly thank
my partner, Felix Unger,
for humbly helping me."
And there goes
the humble bottle...
( doorbell buzzes
) All right, all right!
Yeah, Felix, what'd you do?
Forget your key,
tonight of all nights?
I need all kinds of help.
Oh, boy.
Hello, Mr. Madison.
Hello, Phillip.
I told your mother we
were going out tonight.
If she needs
somebody in the building
to check on you, you
got to get somebody else.
Oh, that's all right.
They arranged it with
Mrs. Ferguson of 14C.
Do you have a flashlight?
No, I don't have a flashlight.
There's one on the shelf.
So I'm a liar.
I'm great at finding things.
I really am a good detective.
Really? I don't
want to hear about it.
We had this theft at school.
Somebody took Wilbur
Middleman's galoshes.
But I exposed the guilty party.
You turned in one
of your classmates?
You'll get the
mark of a squealer.
Oh, no, I wouldn't
turn in a classmate.
This thief was an enemy agent
here on an espionage
mission from Shanghai.
Phillip, will you stop
with the Shanghai
and Middleman's galoshes?
You got a wild imagination.
Your parents told me about it.
My parents are very
nice middle-class people,
but they can't face what's
going on in the world today.
I don't think I can
face you today.
Look, take the flashlight
and beat it, will you?
This is my partner, 007.
Yeah. I'll bet he's
great at disguises.
Phillip, it's late.
I don't have time to talk to
you about-about Shanghai,
and Middleman's galoshes,
and secret dog agents.
You don't know how busy I am.
I just hope I can make
it back across the hall.
I think I was followed here.
I hope he catches you.
I humbly acc... Wait a minute.
Why do I have to be humble/warm?
Maybe I could be,
uh... dignified/classy.
That you, Felix?
It's me... Felix.
Oscar?
Yeah.
We've got a little problem.
I don't want to hear
about problems, Felix.
Nancy just called.
She'll be here any minute.
You'd better get
dressed. Good, good.
Felix, look, I got the
hats and everything.
Oh, cute.
I wrote three different
kinds of speeches
in case we win the
award for the best skit:
that humble/warm,
cocky/funny and dignified/classy.
How about honest?
That's a fourth possibility.
I want to have a
little talk with you.
Well, Felix, we don't
have time to talk...
but we do have time
to rehearse the skit,
after you get dressed.
Felix, I don't see how
we can lose unless...
What are you holding?
You got your hands on something.
What is that? It's a bassinet.
Bassinet? There's no
bassinet in the sketch.
What's it for?
It's a baby.
Baby? But there's no baby
in the sketch, either.
Felix, I don't have time
to get a teeny-tiny
hat for a baby.
What is it?
His mother left
him at my studio.
Isn't that perfect?
Isn't that beautiful?
The biggest night of my life,
you come home with
an abandoned baby.
He's not abandoned.
OSCAR: An abandoned
Oriental baby!
Isn't he cute?
Cute won't get us
laughs tonight, Felix.
I'm sure his mother
left him by mistake.
Maybe she thought
he was one of my dolls.
Felix, I knew you
had a teddy bear.
I didn't know you had a doll.
At my studio,
I use dolls to set the lighting.
Then I put in the real baby.
But they're both
bundled up in blankets.
It could happen.
A mother can make
an honest mistake.
Come on, Felix, I doubt that.
I told you, I begged
you, no crazy surprises.
He's not a crazy surprise.
No? You bring
home a Chinese baby
to your average bachelor.
I bet ten out of ten
times, it's a crazy surprise.
Unless your bachelor
happens to be Chinese,
which means he's
in a lot of trouble.
( baby crying ) Oh,
you woke the baby.
You made him cry.
Now we're even.
He's making me cry.
He's ruining my evening.
He's not ruining your evening.
You always overreact
to everything.
I'm going to do the sketch.
I'll wear the funny hat.
His mother will be here.
Take things in your stride.
Felix, the only thing I can't
take in my stride is you.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, come on, look at him.
See his little teeth?
He's going to bite you.
Hold him, hold him, hold him!
I've got to make
him some hot milk.
That's it.
When is his mother
going to come?
I left a note on
the studio door.
She'll be here any
minute. You'll see.
Pat him, pat him nice.
Pat him? Pat him where?
Under here? Where do you think?
I don't know...
Felix?
Yes.
I've only got one dress shirt.
How many do you need?
Two.
( hiccups )
FELIX: Say "excuse me."
Don't forget, don't
mention that baby
when Nancy gets here. Why not?
Well, she's a doctor,
but she's also a woman.
She'll want to take
care of the baby.
We'll never get to
the dinner on time.
That's perfect.
What's perfect?
If the mother's late,
Nancy can baby-sit
while you and I go on to
the dinner and do the skit.
Are you crazy?
It's a big, formal affair.
I want my girl there.
Besides, it'd be the
first place I ever took her
where she could
get all dressed up.
Oh, that's nice.
You're a real romantic.
Well, I want her
to see the skit.
She's never seen me hilarious.
She ever seen you cocky/funny?
( baby whining )
Ooh, you are
dribbling on your chin.
You're dribbling.
Test the temperature
of the milk, please.
( shouts ): Ow!
What'd you do?
Well, you told
me to test the milk.
That's the way you
test bath water, not milk.
Where's the butter?
The milk burned my elbow.
Your elbow poisoned the milk.
You don't put butter on a burn.
You put cold water.
Not ice water.
Cold water from the tap.
Everybody I know uses butter.
Then everybody
you know is wrong!
Felix, every day, in every way,
I know why your wife left you.
Listen, don't you have
the mother's name
in a record so we
can call her up?
I think her name
is Mrs. Sammy Lee,
but I don't know her number.
I tried to call the agency
that sent her over.
It was too late. They're closed.
What do you mean, you think
her name was Sammy Lee?
I have a list of the mothers.
I have a Mrs.
Rosenberg, a Mrs. Lopez,
a Mrs. This, a Mrs.
That, and a Mrs. Lee.
So... I don't know her address.
Do you know how many Sammy Lees
there must be in the phone book?
You know what time it is?
It would take us all
night to call them!
Take it easy.
There's nothing to worry about.
Oh, really?
You can handle
everything, everything.
How are you going
to feed the baby?
What are you going
to use for a bottle?
And a nipple?
Five nipples, assorted sizes.
I'll sterilize them.
Kid, you couldn't
be in better hands
if you were with Dr. Spock.
My, you're a nice
little boy, aren't you?
Aren't you a nice little boy?
Do you know that I
have a little boy and girl?
They were once
pretty babies like you.
Their names are
Leonard and Edna.
Want your milk?
Yes, they live
with their mother.
That's because I'm separated.
Believe me, divorce
is no laughing matter.
Look at this!
Cleaning woman comes in,
and you can't find anything.
I had a tie!
I knew I had a tie
here somewhere.
Well, see, now
look, I'll show you.
Look. See?
There's Leonard.
Isn't he a nice-looking boy?
He's nine years old.
He does very well in school.
There's his sister Edna.
She's seven.
There's my wife Gloria.
She's 35.
( doorbell buzzes )
I'll get it!
Now, listen, that's Nancy.
Don't you make a sound.
And don't forget, hustle
over to the banquet
as soon as the kid's
mother gets here.
I'll have the funny
hats set up. Right.
I don't want Nancy to
know there's a baby here.
( doorbell buzzes )
Hi, honey, I'll
be right with you.
Oscar, is something wrong?
Oh, no, I'm sorry I did that.
We're ready to go. Let's go.
Listen, where's Felix?
Oh, he-he's okay.
He's, uh, with
one of his models,
and he's going to join us later.
Are you nervous? Oh, yeah.
Honey, you look so
wonderful. Thank you. Let's...
Nancy... come take
a look at this baby.
Felix!
NANCY: What's going on?
The mother left the baby
in my studio by mistake.
I brought him home.
He was perfectly
fine; now he's sick.
( whining )
Oscar, the baby's sick.
The baby's sick?
He's not sick.
FELIX: Feel his face.
He's burning up.
Of course. You forgot to
turn off the electric blanket.
( Felix sighing with relief )
Boy, I tell you.
It's great to have a
doctor in the house.
False alarm.
I'm going to have to
give you a false alarm.
And you don't like sitting
around in dirty clothes,
drinking out of
an old beer bottle.
It's a great combination.
I'm glad the baby's not sick.
Why don't we go, Nancy?
Listen, I have an idea.
You two go on ahead.
I'll wait here for the mother.
No! Sure! Yes.
No!
Well, you don't have anything
the baby will need.
You don't have diapers,
or food, or anything.
At least let me go
out and get that.
But, Nancy, look at the time!
Oscar, don't worry.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
Cuddle him. Go on. Cuddle him.
It'll make him feel happier.
Cuddle him. Cuddle
him, cuddle him.
He's crying. Nobody
wants to cuddle me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh... Here we are.
Boy, oh, boy.
You said everything
would be all right;
you would take
care of everything.
Well, I didn't think.
I know you didn't think.
Look at that... 7:30.
The mother's not here yet.
I'm gonna call the police.
What police? Why?
Well, you don't think I
buy that story about a...
a-a-a doll!
I just said it
was a possibility.
It is not a possibility.
Don't you understand?
The woman has
abandoned the baby,
and I'm going to
call Murray the cop.
How can you
humiliate a poor woman
whose only crime is that
she may be held up in traffic?
I don't believe that.
Oscar, I'm warning you,
the police will
have to rip this child
out of my arms.
Felix, I'm going to help them.
At least wait until
Nancy gets back.
No!
Oscar, look.
Look at the nice little fellow.
Yeah, I know he's cute.
Look how he likes you.
Look at that-that face,
those chubby cheeks...
I like the kid.
Don't do that.
How could you squeal to the cops
on chubby cheeks like this?
Felix, how do you
manage to do this to me?
I know the right thing to
do is to call Murray the cop,
but you make me feel guilty.
And I know that
that mother will come
the way I know that cold
water is good for burns.
I just said something amusing.
What happened
to your funny bone?
I burned it when
I tested the milk.
You know you'll have a
lot of girls chasing you,
but I want to warn you:
If you run across one like
my ex-wife Blanche, stay away.
She's murder.
( doorbell buzzes ) Here we go.
FELIX: I'll get it.
There... ( doorbell buzzing )
Hmm.
I never thought Oscar
would stoop that low.
( doorbell buzzing )
Hello, Felix.
Mind if I come in?
No. This is an unexpected visit.
This is not a
social call, Felix.
Where is it?
Where is what, Murray?
You remember at
the game last night,
you asked me to take off my gun?
Yes. You know how
I feel about guns.
Well, I forgot and left it here.
Oh, Murray. Oh, no.
( chuckling )
Murray. Oh, your gun!
You wouldn't believe
what happened today
because I didn't have it.
You've got a gun!
Two minutes before
inspection this morning,
I remembered I left it here.
It was too late to dash over,
so I bought this gun in
a store by the precinct.
Uh-huh. Wouldn't you know it?
Just as I'm walking
out of the store,
I run right into a
purse snatcher.
Oh, no.
I had to make the
arrest with a squirt gun.
I don't believe it.
It's good he didn't
give me resistance,
'cause I didn't get
a chance to fill it.
Oh, Murray!
At least nobody
will ever accuse you
of police brutality.
I don't like to be laughed at
when I'm in uniform, Felix.
( mumbling )
What's with the...
( mumbling ) Bad tooth.
Oh, yeah, listen,
I know all about...
Yeah.
Hey!
Oscar's drinking his
beer with a nipple on it?
It gives him a
feeling of security.
Is he here?
Uh, Oscar, Murray.
Oscar, Murray.
Oh, hi, Murray. Want a beer?
No, thanks.
Do you always drink
your beer like that?
Always? Not always.
Once in a while.
It gives me a
feeling of security.
Funny, I never noticed before.
Never at the games or anything.
And I notice things.
That's my job.
Well, you know, he spills
things sometimes when he drinks.
Who notices what he drinks?
( mumbling )
What's with the... ( mumbling )
You got a toothache, too?
No, earache. I got an earache.
Oh, an earache.
Okay, Murray,
time to hit the road.
Yeah, Murray,
nice talking to you.
Come around any time.
So you and Oscar are going to do
that old Abbott and
Costello comedy?
Yeah. Wha... What is it,
uh, "Who's on First"
or "What's on First?"
"What's on Second." Oh.
Who's on first?
I love that baseball routine.
Hey, Oscar, what are
you doing out here?
I want to make sure the
elevator's working for you.
Take care of your gun!
That was clever.
Hold the congratulations, Felix.
The baby's gone. Gone?
Yeah. I put him right
there, and now he's gone.
He's gone, gone. Gone.
The baby can't get
up and walk away.
I don't know; he's
a very strong baby.
Maybe he crawled away.
Carrying the bassinet
on his back like a turtle?
Are you sure you
put him out here?
Felix, I know where I put him.
I wasn't drunk; I had
one gloveful of beer.
( gasps ): Somebody stole him.
Who would take him?
He was only there for a minute.
Who would take...
Phillip. Phillip!
Phillip Wexler.
Phillip!
Oh... All right,
Phillip, open up!
I know you're in there!
My parents aren't home,
and I'm not allowed to open
the door without the safety chain,
unless it's Mrs. Ferguson.
Phillip, did you find a baby
out here in the
hall in a bassinet?
Could you describe it?
Phillip! Phillip!
How do I know it's your baby?
It could be a special
messenger from Shanghai.
He knows about
the galoshes thief.
What? What galoshes thief?
Well, Middleman had
his galoshes stolen...
What am I talking about?
Oscar, what are you
two doing out here?
Well, we were
there with Phillip.
You know, he lives next door.
He wanted to see the baby.
Yeah, we let him take it
inside, show it to his family.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, isn't it?
Why don't you
take the stuff inside?
We'll be right
in, dear. All right.
Very good.
( grumbling )
No. Maybe we should
call Mrs. Ferguson.
Maybe we should murder him.
Good. Okay. Phillip, hear this!
Now hear this!
If you don't open that door,
I'm going to bust it down!
Do you hear me?!
You see?
You got all excited for nothing.
Maybe he only wanted
to protect the baby.
Yeah. He's not a mean child.
Well, I'm gonna murder that kid!
( pounding on door )
Phillip! Phillip!
Now, I don't understand
about sports writers' dinners,
or stolen galoshes, or
Chihuahuas in baskets.
What am I doing
holding this foreigner?
It's very simple, Mrs. Ferguson.
It's a trade.
The dog is his, and
the baby is ours.
And the monster is yours.
Come on. Thank
you, Mrs. Ferguson.
Do you like my dog?
Looks like a rat.
Hello?
Ah, Mrs. Sammy Lee?
Hey, you found her?
Nancy, hurry up, will you?!
Call number 27.
Hello? Oh, Mr. Lee.
Is there a Mrs. Lee, please?
You're divorced.
Oh, believe me,
I know what you've
been going through.
Felix, don't get involved
with the guy's life, will you?
Hey, he's divorced.
Oh, hang up the phone.
Good luck, Sam!
Listen, I came through it.
You'll come through it, too.
Do you know that you
are a very rude man?!
This fella is going through
the same sort of
crisis that you and I...
Felix, if you didn't
get involved in other
people's problems,
we wouldn't have the baby here!
Condemn me for being
a concerned citizen!
Okay, you're condemned.
Face the facts: It's
an abandoned child.
It is not abandoned.
And we go on in half an hour.
Mom Lee will be here!
I can't risk it, so I
called Murray the cop...
He's on his way
here. Oh, you didn't!
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Yeah. Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...
( gasping )
Here he is, Felix.
All fed, diapered,
and I cleaned the bassinet.
Here's some fresh diapers.
Now, just let him sleep
until his mother arrives.
I'm ready, Oscar.
Okay, honey, let's go.
Nancy cares about the baby.
Oh, Felix... Oscar
loves the baby.
Hmm. The old baby lover
just called for the police.
They'll be here any minute.
The police?
But then the mother
will get in trouble.
Honey, don't you see?
We could be arrested
for kidnapping.
I mean, Felix took that baby
without the mother's
knowledge or consent.
That is kidnapping.
I left a note!
Suppose it blew away?
Suppose you can't prove it?
It's your word against the
word of a hysterical mother.
I'll take that chance.
Oh!
And I'll take it with him.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Another member of the chorus.
Go on, do your
skit, win your award.
I want no part of it.
Ditto.
Nancy and I will stay here,
and we'll face the police alone.
Thank you, Bonnie and Clyde.
Okay!
Who needs you? I can do it.
Come on, what's the big deal?
Okay, I'm sorry, all right?
Besides, I didn't tell
Murray what I wanted.
I just told him that I had
something important to show him.
What are you gonna tell
him when he gets here?
I don't know, Felix...
( doorbell buzzing )
You better think
of something fast.
Okay, hide the baby.
I'll take care of Murray.
Thank you, Oscar.
( doorbell buzzing )
You're getting one
more chance, Oscar.
( doorbell buzzing )
Oh, hi, Murray.
Hi, Oscar.
Come on in, yeah, come on in.
Well, you know Nancy.
Oh, yeah, hi, Nancy.
Hello, Murray.
Well, Oscar. What
was so important?
Oh, uh... yeah.
Well, I thought maybe
you had taken the
wrong gun again.
No, this is mine.
I wouldn't make the
same mistake twice.
Just double checking, Murray.
You know, that's
not my gun, Oscar.
Are you just making fun of me?
Oh, no, Murray,
Oscar wasn't making fun, really.
Doctors don't lie.
They take the Hippocratic oath.
Hey, Oscar, what's this?
It's a rattle.
Uh, Felix's rattle.
You are making fun of me.
No I'm not, Murray,
that's Felix's rattle.
He had it when he was a kid.
You know what a
sentimental nut he is.
Come on, honey, we're going.
Did he save his diapers, too?
No, we're not going.
This is weird.
( baby cries )
Are you sure there's
not a baby here?
I guess you better
tell him, Oscar.
Okay, Murray,
there is a baby here.
You can come out
now, Felix, he knows.
The reason Felix
didn't tell you is
the child may be
an abandoned child.
He thought you
were gonna turn cop
and maybe take
the kid into custody.
Judas!
Judas!
Double Judas!
I didn't tell him, Felix.
He figured it out for himself.
He saw the rattle
and the diapers.
He heard the baby crying.
Any idiot could have
figured it out, right, Murray?
I'm sorry, Murray.
Oscar tried to cover.
Where'd the baby
come from, Felix?
Oh, Murray, you know
where babies come from.
Still making fun
of me, huh, Unger?
Oh, stop being a
cop for just a minute.
Come on, honey, we're going.
Hold it.
We're not going.
You're not going
anyplace, Oscar.
You're just going
to sit down and wait.
You're all material witnesses.
We are?
You realize that's
a missing person?
I got to make out a full
report and take you all in.
( doorbell buzzing )
Hold it, Oscar.
I didn't give you permission...
Okay, Murray... to leave.
That'll be the mother.
It better be.
Mr. Unger live here?
Yeah, Mr. Rungler.
Are you Mrs. Lee?
Here we are. My baby!
Oh, oh, oh!
Sit down, sit down.
FELIX: Oh, we were
worried about you.
Oh, I'm so happy my baby's safe.
I was so worried.
We knew you didn't abandon it.
What happened?
I had to leave
for a few minutes.
And while Mr. Runger
took picture of baby...
I remember when you left.
I have trouble.
My car make noise and die.
Car died.
I get to the drug store anyway.
I went in, and I came out
( speaking Chinese )
What...? Yes.
( speaking Chinese )
Would you talk more slowly?
( speaking Chinese
more rapidly )
Can you talk a
little more slowly?
I understand Chinese a little...
( speaking Chinese )
Uh, I think somebody
stole her purse...
or her nose.
Ah! Stole her nose.
Now, look, this
is a lovely story,
but we have five minutes
to make it to the banquet.
Please, please, if Murray
takes us in his squad car,
we could make it.
Let's go, come on, come on.
FELIX: We forgot the bassinet.
I'll buy her one. Please!
Oscar, please don't
be so depressed
just because you lost.
I'm depressed because
you didn't get to see it.
Oscar, I'm sorry I
didn't get to see it.
It's not her fault.
I'm a doctor. She's a doctor.
I had an emergency call.
She has emergency calls.
I had to go!
You blame somebody else
for your own things all the time.
Why don't you blame yourself?
It's your fault we didn't win.
You're kidding.
If you were interested
in good comedy
instead of good grammar...
"Whom's on first...
I didn't say a dumb thing
like "Whom's on first."
I admit I said, "You might
throw the ball to whom," but...
To whom, same thing.
But your timing was
so slow, so muddy.
Comedy has to be sharp...
I was going a mile... The
essence of comedy is fast...
Boys! Don't fight.
Don't fight. Do it!
All right!
Let Nancy be the judge.
Sit down, Nancy,
you be the judge.
Now strange as it may seem,
the players on
the St. Louis team
have some very strange names.
You have to listen carefully,
so you get the
names of the players.
Who's on first,
What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third base.
That's what I want.
I want you to tell me the names
of the players on
the St. Louis team.
That's what I'm telling you.
The names of the player's
on the St. Louis team...
Who's on first,
What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third base.
You know the fellow's name? Yes.
Well, then who's
playing first? Right.
No, I mean the fellow
who's playing first base.
Who? I'm asking
you. Who's on first?
That's his name.
That's who's name?
Right. Well, go
ahead and tell me.
I'm sorry, just one minute.
Just one minute.
Felix Unger Studio.
This call is being
answered mechanically.
When you hear the tone, you
may leave a brief message.
( imitates beep )
Cut it out, will you, Felix?
I know it's you.
That beep usually
fools everybody.
Yeah, well, I know beeps.
And what are you
doing at work, anyway?
You should be on your way home.
The toast-and-roast dinner
starts in a couple of hours.
You know I want
to rehearse that skit.
I know, I know.
I also know
that the International Daisy
Damper account was today.
So?
So I've had over two dozen
babies of every nationality
howling in my ear all day long.
Yeah, I understand.
What you don't understand
is that for each and
every howling baby,
there was one howling mother.
Felix, I'm very sorry
about your brutal day,
but I'm more
concerned about tonight.
Do you know what an
honor it is to be chosen
to do a skit at the
sports writers' dinner?
I want to do the skit,
and I will be ready.
You'd better. We got
a tough act to follow.
Ten of the Jet
football players...
They're gonna put on dresses,
and they're gonna imitate
the Radio City Rockettes.
Yeah? We'll top
them. ( baby crying )
You know, I think
I'm losing my mind.
I'm still hearing babies crying.
It's impossible.
Everybody's left.
What?
Hold on for just a minute.
What, "hold on"?
What is that... "hold on"?!
Like I haven't been
waiting 20 years
to do the skit, to be chosen!
"Hold on"?! You're
cra... Felix! Felix.
Oscar, you'll
never believe this.
Felix, I want you to
come home right now.
Now, this night is
too important for me.
I don't want you to louse
it up like you always do,
and no surprises.
No surprises.
( babbles )
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday, he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
( Odd Couple theme playing )
"I would humbly
like to thank you
"for this award
for the best skit
"and humbly thank
my partner, Felix Unger,
for humbly helping me."
And there goes
the humble bottle...
( doorbell buzzes
) All right, all right!
Yeah, Felix, what'd you do?
Forget your key,
tonight of all nights?
I need all kinds of help.
Oh, boy.
Hello, Mr. Madison.
Hello, Phillip.
I told your mother we
were going out tonight.
If she needs
somebody in the building
to check on you, you
got to get somebody else.
Oh, that's all right.
They arranged it with
Mrs. Ferguson of 14C.
Do you have a flashlight?
No, I don't have a flashlight.
There's one on the shelf.
So I'm a liar.
I'm great at finding things.
I really am a good detective.
Really? I don't
want to hear about it.
We had this theft at school.
Somebody took Wilbur
Middleman's galoshes.
But I exposed the guilty party.
You turned in one
of your classmates?
You'll get the
mark of a squealer.
Oh, no, I wouldn't
turn in a classmate.
This thief was an enemy agent
here on an espionage
mission from Shanghai.
Phillip, will you stop
with the Shanghai
and Middleman's galoshes?
You got a wild imagination.
Your parents told me about it.
My parents are very
nice middle-class people,
but they can't face what's
going on in the world today.
I don't think I can
face you today.
Look, take the flashlight
and beat it, will you?
This is my partner, 007.
Yeah. I'll bet he's
great at disguises.
Phillip, it's late.
I don't have time to talk to
you about-about Shanghai,
and Middleman's galoshes,
and secret dog agents.
You don't know how busy I am.
I just hope I can make
it back across the hall.
I think I was followed here.
I hope he catches you.
I humbly acc... Wait a minute.
Why do I have to be humble/warm?
Maybe I could be,
uh... dignified/classy.
That you, Felix?
It's me... Felix.
Oscar?
Yeah.
We've got a little problem.
I don't want to hear
about problems, Felix.
Nancy just called.
She'll be here any minute.
You'd better get
dressed. Good, good.
Felix, look, I got the
hats and everything.
Oh, cute.
I wrote three different
kinds of speeches
in case we win the
award for the best skit:
that humble/warm,
cocky/funny and dignified/classy.
How about honest?
That's a fourth possibility.
I want to have a
little talk with you.
Well, Felix, we don't
have time to talk...
but we do have time
to rehearse the skit,
after you get dressed.
Felix, I don't see how
we can lose unless...
What are you holding?
You got your hands on something.
What is that? It's a bassinet.
Bassinet? There's no
bassinet in the sketch.
What's it for?
It's a baby.
Baby? But there's no baby
in the sketch, either.
Felix, I don't have time
to get a teeny-tiny
hat for a baby.
What is it?
His mother left
him at my studio.
Isn't that perfect?
Isn't that beautiful?
The biggest night of my life,
you come home with
an abandoned baby.
He's not abandoned.
OSCAR: An abandoned
Oriental baby!
Isn't he cute?
Cute won't get us
laughs tonight, Felix.
I'm sure his mother
left him by mistake.
Maybe she thought
he was one of my dolls.
Felix, I knew you
had a teddy bear.
I didn't know you had a doll.
At my studio,
I use dolls to set the lighting.
Then I put in the real baby.
But they're both
bundled up in blankets.
It could happen.
A mother can make
an honest mistake.
Come on, Felix, I doubt that.
I told you, I begged
you, no crazy surprises.
He's not a crazy surprise.
No? You bring
home a Chinese baby
to your average bachelor.
I bet ten out of ten
times, it's a crazy surprise.
Unless your bachelor
happens to be Chinese,
which means he's
in a lot of trouble.
( baby crying ) Oh,
you woke the baby.
You made him cry.
Now we're even.
He's making me cry.
He's ruining my evening.
He's not ruining your evening.
You always overreact
to everything.
I'm going to do the sketch.
I'll wear the funny hat.
His mother will be here.
Take things in your stride.
Felix, the only thing I can't
take in my stride is you.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, come on, look at him.
See his little teeth?
He's going to bite you.
Hold him, hold him, hold him!
I've got to make
him some hot milk.
That's it.
When is his mother
going to come?
I left a note on
the studio door.
She'll be here any
minute. You'll see.
Pat him, pat him nice.
Pat him? Pat him where?
Under here? Where do you think?
I don't know...
Felix?
Yes.
I've only got one dress shirt.
How many do you need?
Two.
( hiccups )
FELIX: Say "excuse me."
Don't forget, don't
mention that baby
when Nancy gets here. Why not?
Well, she's a doctor,
but she's also a woman.
She'll want to take
care of the baby.
We'll never get to
the dinner on time.
That's perfect.
What's perfect?
If the mother's late,
Nancy can baby-sit
while you and I go on to
the dinner and do the skit.
Are you crazy?
It's a big, formal affair.
I want my girl there.
Besides, it'd be the
first place I ever took her
where she could
get all dressed up.
Oh, that's nice.
You're a real romantic.
Well, I want her
to see the skit.
She's never seen me hilarious.
She ever seen you cocky/funny?
( baby whining )
Ooh, you are
dribbling on your chin.
You're dribbling.
Test the temperature
of the milk, please.
( shouts ): Ow!
What'd you do?
Well, you told
me to test the milk.
That's the way you
test bath water, not milk.
Where's the butter?
The milk burned my elbow.
Your elbow poisoned the milk.
You don't put butter on a burn.
You put cold water.
Not ice water.
Cold water from the tap.
Everybody I know uses butter.
Then everybody
you know is wrong!
Felix, every day, in every way,
I know why your wife left you.
Listen, don't you have
the mother's name
in a record so we
can call her up?
I think her name
is Mrs. Sammy Lee,
but I don't know her number.
I tried to call the agency
that sent her over.
It was too late. They're closed.
What do you mean, you think
her name was Sammy Lee?
I have a list of the mothers.
I have a Mrs.
Rosenberg, a Mrs. Lopez,
a Mrs. This, a Mrs.
That, and a Mrs. Lee.
So... I don't know her address.
Do you know how many Sammy Lees
there must be in the phone book?
You know what time it is?
It would take us all
night to call them!
Take it easy.
There's nothing to worry about.
Oh, really?
You can handle
everything, everything.
How are you going
to feed the baby?
What are you going
to use for a bottle?
And a nipple?
Five nipples, assorted sizes.
I'll sterilize them.
Kid, you couldn't
be in better hands
if you were with Dr. Spock.
My, you're a nice
little boy, aren't you?
Aren't you a nice little boy?
Do you know that I
have a little boy and girl?
They were once
pretty babies like you.
Their names are
Leonard and Edna.
Want your milk?
Yes, they live
with their mother.
That's because I'm separated.
Believe me, divorce
is no laughing matter.
Look at this!
Cleaning woman comes in,
and you can't find anything.
I had a tie!
I knew I had a tie
here somewhere.
Well, see, now
look, I'll show you.
Look. See?
There's Leonard.
Isn't he a nice-looking boy?
He's nine years old.
He does very well in school.
There's his sister Edna.
She's seven.
There's my wife Gloria.
She's 35.
( doorbell buzzes )
I'll get it!
Now, listen, that's Nancy.
Don't you make a sound.
And don't forget, hustle
over to the banquet
as soon as the kid's
mother gets here.
I'll have the funny
hats set up. Right.
I don't want Nancy to
know there's a baby here.
( doorbell buzzes )
Hi, honey, I'll
be right with you.
Oscar, is something wrong?
Oh, no, I'm sorry I did that.
We're ready to go. Let's go.
Listen, where's Felix?
Oh, he-he's okay.
He's, uh, with
one of his models,
and he's going to join us later.
Are you nervous? Oh, yeah.
Honey, you look so
wonderful. Thank you. Let's...
Nancy... come take
a look at this baby.
Felix!
NANCY: What's going on?
The mother left the baby
in my studio by mistake.
I brought him home.
He was perfectly
fine; now he's sick.
( whining )
Oscar, the baby's sick.
The baby's sick?
He's not sick.
FELIX: Feel his face.
He's burning up.
Of course. You forgot to
turn off the electric blanket.
( Felix sighing with relief )
Boy, I tell you.
It's great to have a
doctor in the house.
False alarm.
I'm going to have to
give you a false alarm.
And you don't like sitting
around in dirty clothes,
drinking out of
an old beer bottle.
It's a great combination.
I'm glad the baby's not sick.
Why don't we go, Nancy?
Listen, I have an idea.
You two go on ahead.
I'll wait here for the mother.
No! Sure! Yes.
No!
Well, you don't have anything
the baby will need.
You don't have diapers,
or food, or anything.
At least let me go
out and get that.
But, Nancy, look at the time!
Oscar, don't worry.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
Cuddle him. Go on. Cuddle him.
It'll make him feel happier.
Cuddle him. Cuddle
him, cuddle him.
He's crying. Nobody
wants to cuddle me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh... Here we are.
Boy, oh, boy.
You said everything
would be all right;
you would take
care of everything.
Well, I didn't think.
I know you didn't think.
Look at that... 7:30.
The mother's not here yet.
I'm gonna call the police.
What police? Why?
Well, you don't think I
buy that story about a...
a-a-a doll!
I just said it
was a possibility.
It is not a possibility.
Don't you understand?
The woman has
abandoned the baby,
and I'm going to
call Murray the cop.
How can you
humiliate a poor woman
whose only crime is that
she may be held up in traffic?
I don't believe that.
Oscar, I'm warning you,
the police will
have to rip this child
out of my arms.
Felix, I'm going to help them.
At least wait until
Nancy gets back.
No!
Oscar, look.
Look at the nice little fellow.
Yeah, I know he's cute.
Look how he likes you.
Look at that-that face,
those chubby cheeks...
I like the kid.
Don't do that.
How could you squeal to the cops
on chubby cheeks like this?
Felix, how do you
manage to do this to me?
I know the right thing to
do is to call Murray the cop,
but you make me feel guilty.
And I know that
that mother will come
the way I know that cold
water is good for burns.
I just said something amusing.
What happened
to your funny bone?
I burned it when
I tested the milk.
You know you'll have a
lot of girls chasing you,
but I want to warn you:
If you run across one like
my ex-wife Blanche, stay away.
She's murder.
( doorbell buzzes ) Here we go.
FELIX: I'll get it.
There... ( doorbell buzzing )
Hmm.
I never thought Oscar
would stoop that low.
( doorbell buzzing )
Hello, Felix.
Mind if I come in?
No. This is an unexpected visit.
This is not a
social call, Felix.
Where is it?
Where is what, Murray?
You remember at
the game last night,
you asked me to take off my gun?
Yes. You know how
I feel about guns.
Well, I forgot and left it here.
Oh, Murray. Oh, no.
( chuckling )
Murray. Oh, your gun!
You wouldn't believe
what happened today
because I didn't have it.
You've got a gun!
Two minutes before
inspection this morning,
I remembered I left it here.
It was too late to dash over,
so I bought this gun in
a store by the precinct.
Uh-huh. Wouldn't you know it?
Just as I'm walking
out of the store,
I run right into a
purse snatcher.
Oh, no.
I had to make the
arrest with a squirt gun.
I don't believe it.
It's good he didn't
give me resistance,
'cause I didn't get
a chance to fill it.
Oh, Murray!
At least nobody
will ever accuse you
of police brutality.
I don't like to be laughed at
when I'm in uniform, Felix.
( mumbling )
What's with the...
( mumbling ) Bad tooth.
Oh, yeah, listen,
I know all about...
Yeah.
Hey!
Oscar's drinking his
beer with a nipple on it?
It gives him a
feeling of security.
Is he here?
Uh, Oscar, Murray.
Oscar, Murray.
Oh, hi, Murray. Want a beer?
No, thanks.
Do you always drink
your beer like that?
Always? Not always.
Once in a while.
It gives me a
feeling of security.
Funny, I never noticed before.
Never at the games or anything.
And I notice things.
That's my job.
Well, you know, he spills
things sometimes when he drinks.
Who notices what he drinks?
( mumbling )
What's with the... ( mumbling )
You got a toothache, too?
No, earache. I got an earache.
Oh, an earache.
Okay, Murray,
time to hit the road.
Yeah, Murray,
nice talking to you.
Come around any time.
So you and Oscar are going to do
that old Abbott and
Costello comedy?
Yeah. Wha... What is it,
uh, "Who's on First"
or "What's on First?"
"What's on Second." Oh.
Who's on first?
I love that baseball routine.
Hey, Oscar, what are
you doing out here?
I want to make sure the
elevator's working for you.
Take care of your gun!
That was clever.
Hold the congratulations, Felix.
The baby's gone. Gone?
Yeah. I put him right
there, and now he's gone.
He's gone, gone. Gone.
The baby can't get
up and walk away.
I don't know; he's
a very strong baby.
Maybe he crawled away.
Carrying the bassinet
on his back like a turtle?
Are you sure you
put him out here?
Felix, I know where I put him.
I wasn't drunk; I had
one gloveful of beer.
( gasps ): Somebody stole him.
Who would take him?
He was only there for a minute.
Who would take...
Phillip. Phillip!
Phillip Wexler.
Phillip!
Oh... All right,
Phillip, open up!
I know you're in there!
My parents aren't home,
and I'm not allowed to open
the door without the safety chain,
unless it's Mrs. Ferguson.
Phillip, did you find a baby
out here in the
hall in a bassinet?
Could you describe it?
Phillip! Phillip!
How do I know it's your baby?
It could be a special
messenger from Shanghai.
He knows about
the galoshes thief.
What? What galoshes thief?
Well, Middleman had
his galoshes stolen...
What am I talking about?
Oscar, what are you
two doing out here?
Well, we were
there with Phillip.
You know, he lives next door.
He wanted to see the baby.
Yeah, we let him take it
inside, show it to his family.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, isn't it?
Why don't you
take the stuff inside?
We'll be right
in, dear. All right.
Very good.
( grumbling )
No. Maybe we should
call Mrs. Ferguson.
Maybe we should murder him.
Good. Okay. Phillip, hear this!
Now hear this!
If you don't open that door,
I'm going to bust it down!
Do you hear me?!
You see?
You got all excited for nothing.
Maybe he only wanted
to protect the baby.
Yeah. He's not a mean child.
Well, I'm gonna murder that kid!
( pounding on door )
Phillip! Phillip!
Now, I don't understand
about sports writers' dinners,
or stolen galoshes, or
Chihuahuas in baskets.
What am I doing
holding this foreigner?
It's very simple, Mrs. Ferguson.
It's a trade.
The dog is his, and
the baby is ours.
And the monster is yours.
Come on. Thank
you, Mrs. Ferguson.
Do you like my dog?
Looks like a rat.
Hello?
Ah, Mrs. Sammy Lee?
Hey, you found her?
Nancy, hurry up, will you?!
Call number 27.
Hello? Oh, Mr. Lee.
Is there a Mrs. Lee, please?
You're divorced.
Oh, believe me,
I know what you've
been going through.
Felix, don't get involved
with the guy's life, will you?
Hey, he's divorced.
Oh, hang up the phone.
Good luck, Sam!
Listen, I came through it.
You'll come through it, too.
Do you know that you
are a very rude man?!
This fella is going through
the same sort of
crisis that you and I...
Felix, if you didn't
get involved in other
people's problems,
we wouldn't have the baby here!
Condemn me for being
a concerned citizen!
Okay, you're condemned.
Face the facts: It's
an abandoned child.
It is not abandoned.
And we go on in half an hour.
Mom Lee will be here!
I can't risk it, so I
called Murray the cop...
He's on his way
here. Oh, you didn't!
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Yeah. Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...
( gasping )
Here he is, Felix.
All fed, diapered,
and I cleaned the bassinet.
Here's some fresh diapers.
Now, just let him sleep
until his mother arrives.
I'm ready, Oscar.
Okay, honey, let's go.
Nancy cares about the baby.
Oh, Felix... Oscar
loves the baby.
Hmm. The old baby lover
just called for the police.
They'll be here any minute.
The police?
But then the mother
will get in trouble.
Honey, don't you see?
We could be arrested
for kidnapping.
I mean, Felix took that baby
without the mother's
knowledge or consent.
That is kidnapping.
I left a note!
Suppose it blew away?
Suppose you can't prove it?
It's your word against the
word of a hysterical mother.
I'll take that chance.
Oh!
And I'll take it with him.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Another member of the chorus.
Go on, do your
skit, win your award.
I want no part of it.
Ditto.
Nancy and I will stay here,
and we'll face the police alone.
Thank you, Bonnie and Clyde.
Okay!
Who needs you? I can do it.
Come on, what's the big deal?
Okay, I'm sorry, all right?
Besides, I didn't tell
Murray what I wanted.
I just told him that I had
something important to show him.
What are you gonna tell
him when he gets here?
I don't know, Felix...
( doorbell buzzing )
You better think
of something fast.
Okay, hide the baby.
I'll take care of Murray.
Thank you, Oscar.
( doorbell buzzing )
You're getting one
more chance, Oscar.
( doorbell buzzing )
Oh, hi, Murray.
Hi, Oscar.
Come on in, yeah, come on in.
Well, you know Nancy.
Oh, yeah, hi, Nancy.
Hello, Murray.
Well, Oscar. What
was so important?
Oh, uh... yeah.
Well, I thought maybe
you had taken the
wrong gun again.
No, this is mine.
I wouldn't make the
same mistake twice.
Just double checking, Murray.
You know, that's
not my gun, Oscar.
Are you just making fun of me?
Oh, no, Murray,
Oscar wasn't making fun, really.
Doctors don't lie.
They take the Hippocratic oath.
Hey, Oscar, what's this?
It's a rattle.
Uh, Felix's rattle.
You are making fun of me.
No I'm not, Murray,
that's Felix's rattle.
He had it when he was a kid.
You know what a
sentimental nut he is.
Come on, honey, we're going.
Did he save his diapers, too?
No, we're not going.
This is weird.
( baby cries )
Are you sure there's
not a baby here?
I guess you better
tell him, Oscar.
Okay, Murray,
there is a baby here.
You can come out
now, Felix, he knows.
The reason Felix
didn't tell you is
the child may be
an abandoned child.
He thought you
were gonna turn cop
and maybe take
the kid into custody.
Judas!
Judas!
Double Judas!
I didn't tell him, Felix.
He figured it out for himself.
He saw the rattle
and the diapers.
He heard the baby crying.
Any idiot could have
figured it out, right, Murray?
I'm sorry, Murray.
Oscar tried to cover.
Where'd the baby
come from, Felix?
Oh, Murray, you know
where babies come from.
Still making fun
of me, huh, Unger?
Oh, stop being a
cop for just a minute.
Come on, honey, we're going.
Hold it.
We're not going.
You're not going
anyplace, Oscar.
You're just going
to sit down and wait.
You're all material witnesses.
We are?
You realize that's
a missing person?
I got to make out a full
report and take you all in.
( doorbell buzzing )
Hold it, Oscar.
I didn't give you permission...
Okay, Murray... to leave.
That'll be the mother.
It better be.
Mr. Unger live here?
Yeah, Mr. Rungler.
Are you Mrs. Lee?
Here we are. My baby!
Oh, oh, oh!
Sit down, sit down.
FELIX: Oh, we were
worried about you.
Oh, I'm so happy my baby's safe.
I was so worried.
We knew you didn't abandon it.
What happened?
I had to leave
for a few minutes.
And while Mr. Runger
took picture of baby...
I remember when you left.
I have trouble.
My car make noise and die.
Car died.
I get to the drug store anyway.
I went in, and I came out
( speaking Chinese )
What...? Yes.
( speaking Chinese )
Would you talk more slowly?
( speaking Chinese
more rapidly )
Can you talk a
little more slowly?
I understand Chinese a little...
( speaking Chinese )
Uh, I think somebody
stole her purse...
or her nose.
Ah! Stole her nose.
Now, look, this
is a lovely story,
but we have five minutes
to make it to the banquet.
Please, please, if Murray
takes us in his squad car,
we could make it.
Let's go, come on, come on.
FELIX: We forgot the bassinet.
I'll buy her one. Please!
Oscar, please don't
be so depressed
just because you lost.
I'm depressed because
you didn't get to see it.
Oscar, I'm sorry I
didn't get to see it.
It's not her fault.
I'm a doctor. She's a doctor.
I had an emergency call.
She has emergency calls.
I had to go!
You blame somebody else
for your own things all the time.
Why don't you blame yourself?
It's your fault we didn't win.
You're kidding.
If you were interested
in good comedy
instead of good grammar...
"Whom's on first...
I didn't say a dumb thing
like "Whom's on first."
I admit I said, "You might
throw the ball to whom," but...
To whom, same thing.
But your timing was
so slow, so muddy.
Comedy has to be sharp...
I was going a mile... The
essence of comedy is fast...
Boys! Don't fight.
Don't fight. Do it!
All right!
Let Nancy be the judge.
Sit down, Nancy,
you be the judge.
Now strange as it may seem,
the players on
the St. Louis team
have some very strange names.
You have to listen carefully,
so you get the
names of the players.
Who's on first,
What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third base.
That's what I want.
I want you to tell me the names
of the players on
the St. Louis team.
That's what I'm telling you.
The names of the player's
on the St. Louis team...
Who's on first,
What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third base.
You know the fellow's name? Yes.
Well, then who's
playing first? Right.
No, I mean the fellow
who's playing first base.
Who? I'm asking
you. Who's on first?
That's his name.
That's who's name?
Right. Well, go
ahead and tell me.