The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 8 - Oscar, the Model - full transcript

No, Unger, these are the
same old models' faces.

I've seen these faces.

I've seen these
guys in a million ads.

They're very professional.

I've used them in a million ads.

That's why you've seen them.

Look, you see this, Unger?

Vividly.

The ad you're shooting
for Mandar Cologne

really has to be
something special.

Something today,
something happening.



Happening?

You know what the
word Mandar means?

Uh, it's a Spanish
word, isn't it?

It means "to control."

Right on. It's the
symbol of masculinity.

And if Mandar
Cologne catches on,

the company will come out

with a whole line of
masculine products.

We'll have soap and face
bronzer and skin conditioner.

We'll even have a
Mandar men's hair spray.

That sounds masculine.

Right on.

But the company
wants a new face.

Now, I'm a happening guy



and they want a
happening ad campaign.

Something now, something today,

something that's really
right there, and heavy.

Do you understand?

To tell you the truth, I
was just getting used

to "run it up the flagpole"

and whatever it is the
guy before you used to say.

Well, forget those
guys, they're all clichés.

You're not a cliché?

Right on.

I got this job as
account executive

because I'm a "now" thinker.

Haven't you got any other faces?

Something "today"?

I used three of
these models today.

No, no, no, this is not
professional models.

This is my portrait work...
Families, children, pets.

That's yesterday.

Anything today in here?

No, no, I...

I have a lot of allergies.

Being sick isn't today, is it?

Wait a minute.

What?

Heavy.

What?

Heavy.

What's heavy?

That's a great face.

That's Oscar
Madison, my roommate.

Why didn't you show
me this right away?

I haven't even
shown them to Oscar.

Those are proofs.

That's a "now" face.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

This is a "now" face?

I've known Oscar 15 years

and his face wasn't
even "now" then.

It's all happening.

My whole head is happening.

All right. The slant
of the campaign is:

That any man can get
girls if he uses Mandar.

And this is the face of any man.

It's perfect,
it's... It's today.

It's more than today.

It's tomorrow.

But Oscar isn't a
professional model.

He's a sports writer.

That's why I made
those portraits...

To go on his column.

I love it that he's not a model.

Yeah?

People want to look at people

who look like themselves...
Plain, ordinary.

That's it, Unger, that's
what's happening.

I want to use this
man in the ads.

Oh, no, no, no,
Oscar's my best friend,

but when it comes
to working together...

Unger, our agency is
your biggest account.

Don't threaten me.

Who's threatening?

I'm just telling you I
know what's today.

And I'd hate for you
to lose this assignment.

And all the others
that we ever do.

Hi, Oscar, old buddy.

Where did you get
all the dustcloths?

It happens to be my laundry.

Here are the proofs
of your pictures.

Oh, I hope they came out well

after all the trouble
we went through.

Looking back, it wasn't so bad.

You said I was the worst
subject you ever had.

Artists say a lot of
things they don't mean.

Didn't they come
out nice, look at that.

Nice? Look at that,
I look like a beagle.

No.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm going to
have a drawing under the byline.

Don't be silly.

You know, when I looked
at these I realized something.

What?

You've got a marvelous face.

Oh, come on.

No, you have a groovy, in look.

You're what's happening.

You been watching
Mod Squad again?

No, I'm serious.

You know, I realized you
could have a career as a model.

Felix, don't ever
go into spy work,

'cause you're one rotten liar.

All right, I don't think

you have the world's
most fantastic face,

but Rudy Mandell does.

Why are you showing
my face to Rudy Mandell,

and who is Rudy Mandell?

He's the ad agency guy
on this campaign I'm doing.

He wants to use
your face in his ads.

He wants to use
my... you're kidding.

No!

He wants an average-looking guy

for a cologne
ad... That's "today"!

That's crazy!

I-I-I think you'd have

an awful lot of
fun doing it, Oscar.

The job means a lot to me.

Felix, our friendship
means a lot to me.

We barely get
along living together.

How we going to work together?

We wouldn't fight, I promise.

Felix, the answer is no.

That's a pair.

$30 an hour for the job?

$30 an hour it pays?
What good is it?

My ex-wife would
get three-fourths of it.

Oscar, listen...

No, Felix, the answer is no.

I can't take a job like that.

It's ridiculous,
I'm a sports writer.

You'd be surrounded by three
beautiful girls all day long...

Felix, you didn't tell me

what time you want me at
the studio tomorrow morning.

Yes, Rudy.

Yes, I'll send over the
film as soon as I shoot it,

and I'll shoot it as
soon as he gets here.

I can't.

Yes, Rudy, I want to be "today."

But even today you can't
shoot without a model.

Ah, here's Mr. One-hour-late-
never-looks-at-his-watch.

Good-bye, Rudy.

Hi, Felix.

One hour late
is not "Hi, Felix."

It's "I'm sorry, Felix,
I apologize, Felix."

"I beg your forgiveness, Felix."

But not "Hi, Felix."

I got tied up.
Where are the girls?

The models are in the
back waiting for you.

One is reading, one is
sewing, one is taking a nap.

And for this I'm paying
them $30 an hour.

Felix, you wanted a
common face like mine, right?

Well, a common face like
mine comes attached to a man

who had to take a
day off from work.

Day off began an hour ago!

Felix, the editor gave
me a hard time as it is.

I didn't rush into this.

You asked me to do it.

When you ask a
favor of a person,

you don't yell at that person.

I'm sorry you're late.

Good.

Let's get down to the girls.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

What are you doing?

You'll tear it.

You told me to wear
a jacket and a tie.

What did you do, mug
somebody to get this?

What are you talking about?

It's a little wrinkled.

But that's the common touch.

I'm supposed to
be the average man.

Those are not average clothes.

Go in the dressing room,

put on the clothes
I've got there for you.

Can I wear the tie?

If you wear it under your shirt.

Come on, girls.
Let's get to work.

Mr. Average Man is here.

Come on, come on!

Felix?

Aren't you going to introduce
me to my coworkers?

FELIX: This is Tracy
Keenan in the Dutch outfit.

Hi, I'm Don Quixote.

Hi, Don.

FELIX: This is Loretta
Steel in the Eskimo thing.

Hello, Nanook. You
want to rub noses?

Just try it if you
want a broken nose.

I don't fool around.

Loretta doesn't fool around.

This is Gabriella.

Gabriella what?

Just Gabriella.

A girl as pretty as you
can afford a last name.

Cute, a line for every country.

Now if the cocktail
party is over,

can we please get to work here?

Oscar! You don't
change under here.

You change in the dressing room.

I want to see how they look...

Let me make one
thing very clear.

At home, I'm a lot of
fun, I'm a barrel of laughs.

But this is a place of business.

We don't waste
time messing around.

Now let's go into this new
experience with a new attitude,

and change your clothes.

At home, he's a
barrel of laughs?

Oscar.

Oscar!

Oscar, you're
getting me irritated

and then my sinuses
start to act up.

I can't see to focus if
my eyes are tearing.

Oscar!

OSCAR: Coming!

FELIX: Oh, please,
come on, come on.

Where do I sit?

There is one stool on the set.

Take your pick.

Hi, girls, how are you?

Hi, Gretel, come
a little closer.

Oscar.

What?

Why are you wearing a mustache?

Oh, mustache!

Oh, well, it's Mandar, see?

It's Spanish, you
know, it's, uh...

Felix, the truth
is, I'm not sure

I want anybody to recognize me.

See, the guys down
at the newspaper,

they're going to rib me
being a model and everything,

so I thought I'd use a disguise.

Why don't you wear glasses
with a funny nose attached?

I got them. They're right here.

See? I didn't know whether
it was a comedy ad or what,

but I'll go with you, I'm game.

See? I'll black out my
teeth like Jerry Lewis.

( wheezing and honking )

That was a rough
couple of hours.

Hey, modeling must be very
tough on a nice little girl like you.

Oh, I'm not really a
model, I'm an actress.

I just do modeling on the side.

Well, you can be
on my side anytime.

Oh, Don.

No, it's Oscar, Oscar.

You said Don.

Yeah, well, you know,

Don Quixote and
the windmill and...

What's the difference?
Listen, wooden shoes,

why don't we go next
door for a little drinkie do?

Just you and me, we'll kick
up our wooden heels together?

Oh, wow, what a line.

You must have picked
up a lot of girls on V.J. Day.

Why don't you go
hug a polar bear?

I don't think Mr. Unger
would let us go anyways.

He doesn't like us to
leave the studio on breaks.

Are you kidding?

I happen to be very
in with Mr. Unger.

You just sit there.

Hey, dummy, don't go in there.

He's developing!

Oh, go rub noses
with a walrus, will you?

Peek-a-boo.

Is that film?

Not anymore. Now it's garbage.

You just ruined two hours' work.

I'm sorry, Felix, I really
am, I wasn't thinking.

What can I do to
make you feel better?

Why don't you put on the
glasses and the funny mustache.

Close the door.

What are you going to do?

Close the door. You
know how to do that?

Same as opening the door.

Only you do it backwards.

( Felix sobbing )

( honking )

OSCAR: Felix?

Felix!

Felix, come on, it's me.

Look, Felix, I'm sorry
about what happened.

Hey, I got some pepperoni
sticks... you want some?

Go away, I told
you, you're fired.

Oh, I don't care about that.

I just want to
apologize, okay, Felix?

I told you, leave me alone.

I'm sorry I ruined your
film, but you knew I was

an inexperienced model.

An experienced idiot would know

not to open a darkroom door.

Oh, Fel... ( rattles doorknob )

When did you put
a bolt on your door?

Soon as I got home.

And tomorrow I'm putting
one on my darkroom.

Felix, how long do I have
to keep saying I'm sorry?

You can quit anytime now!

Okay!

I told you I didn't want to
do this stupid thing anyway,

so forget it!

( door slams )

Are you walking
away from this thing?

I want you to know
that you have given me

a day that will live in infamy!

I'll never forget it!

Okay, so don't pay me!

I was expecting that.

There's your check.

A day's pay for
a day's disaster.

Now, you're officially fired.

And you'll notice there are
no deductions on that check,

though not one iota
of film was useable.

Well, here's what I
think of your check.

That was a 12-cent scenic check,

but that's all right.

I'll write you another one.

I'll tear that up, too!

And now I'll tell you
what you are. What?

You are a tasteless clown.

Oh, yeah?

You did what?

I fired Oscar.

He ruined a whole
morning's shooting.

I wouldn't work with him
again if he was the Mona Lisa.

Unger, do you realize
what you've done?

I took those first few
shots you sent me

right to old man
Whitehill's office.

Whitehill is the president
of Farko Enterprises.

Farko Enterprises owns
Mandar Men's Products, get it?

No.

Whitehill flipped over
Oscar Madison's face.

He thinks it's the best image
his company has ever had.

Now do you get it?

Whitehill thinks
Oscar's good-looking?

Did you ever see Whitehill?

He's no Robert Redford, either.

I knew he'd
respond to this face.

That's why I'm where I'm at.

That's why I'm happening

and that's why you've got to get

Madison back down here.

Impossible, we're not
even talking to each other.

You don't have to talk to him!

Just take his picture!

Who was one of the world's great
photographers, Mathew Brady.

He took great pictures
of General Grant.

You think he was
in love with the man?

A drunk who kept
falling off his horse?

I'm sorry, I won't
work with Oscar.

Unger, I hope you realize
what I'm about to say.

You see this bottle of Mandar?

Mm-hmm.

Right now, this
is my only interest.

I want to make every
American male believe

this will make him
strong and powerful.

And I will do anything

to get that point across.

And Unger, "anything"
means keeping Oscar Madison,

firing you, and making sure you

never do another
ad for our agency.

I think you're
threatening me again.

I don't like being
threatened by a teenager.

Threatening?

Unger, baby, I love your
work, you're an artist.

But you're letting
personal hang-ups

get in the way of your art.

Now, if you won't do it for me

at least do it for Mandar.

I'm not even sure
I can get Oscar

to come back to work for me.

I'll go talk to Madison.

I'm a happening
guy, he'll listen to me.

I'll talk to him.

I'll save you for
my ace in the hole.

Oscar?

Are you home?

He's home.

Oscar?

Hi, Osc!

Still not talking to me, huh?

Don't you think you're
being a little silly?

Oscar, you have to listen to me.

TV ANNOUNCER: Now we're ready.

You're acting so childish.

Into the stretch.

Listen to me!

Oscar, I'm appealing to you

on the basis of
our long-standing

friendship.

Listen... ( TV crowd cheering )

Listen to what I have to say.

I want you to come
back to work for me.

I can't believe
what I just heard.

Well, maybe it got garbled
going through the filters.

You have the nerve to ask
me to come down to that studio

and go back to work...

After you yelled at me,
you screamed at me?

You insulted me in front
of three foreign girls?

They're local, local talent.

Whatever they are!

You threw me out of the
studio and you fired me.

Now you want me to come back.

Well, I know it sounds crazy.

Not crazy, Felix, ludicrous!

Oscar, anything
can be worked out.

Look how we're talking
to each other again.

A moment ago we
weren't doing that.

Anything can be worked out

if we keep the channels
of communication open.

Well, look at me, Felix.

I'm going into my room and
I'm going to close the door

and I'm going to close all
channels of communication.

Oscar, the president
of the Mandar Company

loved the shots
we took yesterday.

He fell in love with your face.

So did my ex-wife, we
know where that got me.

I'm serious, Oscar.

Mr. Whitehill feels
that your image

is the best his
company has ever had.

He's a very big man.

And Rudy picked your face.

You have a face that really
gets the message across.

Oh, come on, will you, Felix?

I got a plain face.

A beautiful soul,
but a plain face.

Lincoln had a plain face.

He made a strong
impression on...

Oh, will you stop it?

You're like Lincoln.

Don't con me with
Lincoln, already.

Would I lie about Honest Abe?

You've got that kind of face.

Four score and seven years ago.

Oscar.

Yes. Oh, Felix!

Look what you got
me doing, will you?

Oscar, the plain
look is in today.

Look at Humphrey Bogart,
he's a hero to today's kids.

That's what you are, Oscar.

You're a Humphrey Bogart!

Will you stop conning
me with Humphrey Bogart?

Oscar, this is the last
time I'm asking you!

Good, 'cause it's the last
time I'm answering you.

The guy's crazy.

Humphrey Bogart,
Abraham Lincoln.

They're...

( bad Bogart imitation
): Play it again, Sam.

Hey, maybe my face
does communicate.

Felix, if you want me at
the studio tomorrow morning,

just whistle.

Four score and seven...
Oh! What am I doing?

Uh-oh, here comes King Klutz.

Shh.

Girls, be nice to Oscar.

He's very important to this ad.

What makes him so important?

I'll give you each $10 a
session extra if you're nice to him.

Oh, hi!

Hi, Oscar.

Hi, doll.

Okay, girls, take a break.
I want to fill Oscar in.

Bye-bye, Oscar.

Hey, it's funny how the
girls are starting to like me.

Yeah. Go change your clothes.

It must be my face...

It communicates.

It kind of grows on you.

I told you you had it.

Well, it's a kind of a
gift, you know, Felix?

Where is he?

Felix, I think we
should get double pay

for working with that idiot.

Right, double.

Oh, all right. Double, double.

Oscar, nearly ready?

I want to get some work done

before old man
Whitehill arrives.

Ha! Olé, olé!

( fake Spanish exclamations )

How's that? How
do I look, Felix?

Great, now come
up and get... wait.

You have something
on your cheek.

You got a spot on your cheek.

Felix, that's not a spot,
it's a, it's a beauty mark.

It's a fake.

See, I thought it
would be a good idea.

FELIX: You did?

I read somewhere
that models use them

to highlight certain
parts of their face.

See, I thought it would
help you catch my eyes, see?

You want me to take
the dot off my face.

I want you to take the
dot out of my studio.

The best models aren't
doing that anymore.

They aren't?

No. Besides, what
do you need it for?

Your face is a natural.

Did Lincoln need a dot?

You're right, Felix!
I don't need it.

Okay, up we go.

Oh, Don, you look so cute.

( admonishment )

We're working here.

Way, Toro, a Picasso, hey-ya.

All right, here we go.

( yelling pseudo Spanish )

Here we go.

Hey-oh, no, no.

There's a shadow
crossing my face.

The shadow is from your hands.

You do your job, I'll do my job.

Listen, you don't want a shadow

coming between my eyes
and the old public do you?

I can fix it in a second.

Here, you come over here.

Don't touch... Ow!

He burned me!

I'm sorry.

Take it easy, kids.

Go into the dressing room.

You'll find some ointment.

See what you've done.

I just wanted to
show off my face.

Your face?

All you think
about is your face.

You think your face
is more important

than that poor girl's...

Oscar, you're acting
like a spoiled child.

MANDELL: Attention, everybody.

Mr. Whitehill is here.

They know I'm
here, you hippy-freak.

They can see me.

Mr. Whitehill.

( congested sniffing )

Pleasure to meet you.

This is Felix Unger.
He's the photographer.

If you're a photographer,
why aren't you taking pictures?

That's what I'm
paying you for, isn't it?

We're on a break right now.

Oh, you're Madison, huh?

I like your face, Madison.

Thank you, I'm going
to try to live up to...

Don't get too choked up, I
just saw another face I like.

Hello, dear, I'm rich.

Is there any
particular expression...

I said I like your face.

Your mouth, I'm not
that excited about.

Maybe you'd like
me to explain...

I'd like somebody to explain.

All I get from this weirdo is
"it's happening, it's today!"

Oscar, I've been trying to get
this close-up for an hour now.

( honking )

Every time I'm ready
to take the picture,

you turn your face
away from the camera.

Why do you do that, Oscar?

I can't seem to get into it.

Get in to what, Oscar?

Felix, I'm supposed
to be a matador

who is getting
ready for the kill.

I have to sense the elation
and relate to the moment.

Why don't you relate to the fact

that my sinuses are killing me

and face the camera?

I can't do that, Felix.

If I don't feel the
elation, it won't radiate...

( honking )

Are there ducks in here?

I hear ducks.

It, it's his sinuses.

FELIX: Do you see
how I'm scratching?

You hear me honking?

Yeah, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

The black dot on the face,

the phony mustache,

the ruining the film, the
burning the girl's backside,

the hour-late "Hi, Felix."

Oh, I'm quitting.

MANDELL: You can't do
that, it's finally happening.

Don't ever say "happening"
in my studio again.

And as for you,
you're a dirty old man

and Mandar cologne smells
like a World War II undershirt.

Now all of you,
clear out of here,

and leave me
alone with my hives.

Unger, you're a real man.

Not many men talk up to me.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

I didn't think I did either.

I like a man with spirit.

That mean I can run things
my own way around here?

No, I like a man with
spirit but not on the payroll.

That's why I hire a
jellyfish like Rudy.

Thank you, sir.

Wait a minute.

You can't fire my buddy.

Madison, I can fire anybody
I want to, including you.

As a matter of
fact, I've decided

that your common face
is a little bit too common.

Good-bye.

Oh, wait a minute, sir.

Everything you saw
here today was my fault.

I got a swelled head, with
the modeling and everything.

I drove Felix crazy.

Look, you could
fire me, that's okay,

but don't fire Felix,

this job is very
important to him.

By jingo, I like that, too...

A man who sticks
up for his friend.

Then we can keep our jobs?

No, I like a man who
sticks up for his friend,

but I can't keep prima
donnas on the payroll either.

Come on, girls, I've got
a bar in my limousine.

Ooh!

I've never been in a
limousine, except at a funeral.

Leave the costumes.

I'll buy them.

Felix... Oscar.

Don't say anything.

You won't accept my apology?

I accept it.

As long as I don't
have to listen to it.

Guess what?

I made place cards

so the all guys will know where
they sit at the game tonight.

Goody.

Well, I think it's
a very nice idea.

Felix, this is not

the Daughters of the
American Revolution

getting together to have tea.

This is six animals
hunched around a table,

trying to grab money
from each other.

( doorbell buzzes )

Somebody's early.

Probably Speed.

Hey.

Felix yoon-ger?

Yeah.

Ah. Oh, thanks.

Uh, you gave me a pill.

I'm sorry.

What is it?

It's from Mandar.

It must be the ad campaign.

Hey, you mean they're
going to use the stuff you shot?

They used my layout all right.

What about that, Felix?

They couldn't pass
up a good thing,

no matter how
they felt personally.

They couldn't pass up

using a million dollar
face like mine, huh?

Oscar.