The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 7 - I Do, I Don't - full transcript

Boy, am I nervous.

How do I look?

Wow! Sensational.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I can't believe
how nervous I am.

Why? Haven't you ever
been a best man before?

No.

Just a groom and an usher.

Well, I know you
failed as a groom.

How'd you do as an usher?

That's very funny.



Weren't you nervous
at your wedding?

No, I was too mad to be nervous.

Mad?!

Yeah. Blanche purposely
scheduled our wedding

on the same day as an
all-star baseball game.

I'm probably the
only man in America

who prayed for his
wedding to be rained out.

What are you going
to do this afternoon?

Oh, I got a great day
planned without you.

I'm gonna hang around
for a couple of hours,

then I'm gonna
have a few beers...

and then I'm going to
watch the ball game.

That sounds nice.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.



You know the rules:
No golfing on the carpet.

That's what I
mean... Without you.

Come on, Felix, please, please!

No, put it away. Put
it away... in the closet.

Will you go to the
wedding already?!

I'm going to be late.
Now, don't forget:

You'll water the plants
and you'll put out the trash.

Yeah, and don't forget
to congratulate the groom

and kiss the bride
for me, all right?

And Felix... try not to cry.

You know what the problem is?

This living room
has a downhill lie,

then breaks to the left.

You'd think, for the
kind of rent I pay,

they'd keep the greens
in better condition.

( doorbell buzzing )

( Odd Couple theme playing )

( gasps ): Oh, I'm so sorry.

I thought that you
were Felix Unger.

I can't see through this veil.

I'm not Felix Unger.

I can see that.

Where is he?

Where is he?! That rat!

That rat, he ruined my marriage!

You come out of there, Felix!

Oh...

He ruined my marriage
before it even was a marriage.

Come on, where is he?!

He's supposed
to be at a wedding.

Oh, your wedding
is the wedding, huh?

I'm Phyllis Parker.

How do you do? Oscar Madison.

I would've been Mrs.
Harvey Bixley by now

but Felix ruined all that.

What do you mean...
He didn't show up?

That's what I mean.

That's terrible.

Felix knows you
can't have a wedding

without a best man.

It's even harder
without a groom.

You mean Harvey
didn't show up, either?

You sure you put
the right church

on the invitation?

I put the right church!

I printed it myself!

Okay, calm down.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

A drink?

Would you like to putt a little?

Oh... they knew when
it was supposed to be.

It was supposed to be today

and they didn't show up

and it's all Felix's fault.

No, it breaks to the left.

You have to compensate.

Thanks.

Now, if you could tell
me what Felix had to do

with Harvey not showing
up for the wedding.

He had everything to do with it.

This is not the first time that
I've been stood up at the altar.

Really?

I'm not as young as I look.

Seven years ago, exactly,
the same thing happened to me.

Only then I had
a beehive hairdo.

( shrieking )

Oh, I can't concentrate

when my whole
world is falling apart!

( sighs )

I'm 30 years old.

And if I've lost Harvey Bixley

then it's all over for me.

Oh, come on, Phyllis.

You're a very attractive girl.

Would you like to marry me?

This is so sudden...
I hardly know you.

Phyllis, that's
a silly question.

Oh, see? That's what I mean.

Harvey was my last shot.

Besides... I love him.

Oh, if Felix blew this...

I'm going to get him!

I'm going to get him...

Look, maybe if you told me

what Felix has to do with Harvey
not showing up at the wedding,

I could understand it better.

It was last evening.

We were having a
wedding rehearsal.

The minister was
there, Harvey was there.

And my third cousin, who
I'm not too crazy about.

She's the maid of honor.

I didn't want her to
be the maid of honor.

No, I wanted Ruth
Kulick, but Miss Big Shot

was all tied up with
a Tupperware party

and she couldn't make it...

Whoa, do-do-do.

Get to Felix.

Was he there last night?

He was there.

We were in the
minister's study, see?

We were right in the
middle of a dress rehearsal...

All right, we'll pretend
the singer has just finished

"Red Sails in the Sunset."

Our groom and best man
have moved into position,

and now the organ starts
"Here Comes the Bride."

All eyes turn toward the rear...

Excuse me.

Yes?

You say we enter after
"Red Sails in the Sunset"?

Yes, the singer finishes...

( humming "Red
Sails in the Sunset" )

♪ La-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ ...safely to me. ♪

And the groom
and best man enter.

Something wrong?

No, it's just that in other
weddings I've been in,

we entered during
"Red Sails in the Sunset."

Well, actually, it was
"I Love You Truly,"

but what's the difference?

The song is different but
the principle is the same.

Felix, um... What
church was that?

I think that was Methodist.

Here you enter after the song.

All right.

The organ starts to
play "Here Comes..."

I'm sorry. Yes?

You're right. You're
right and I'm wrong.

No, in those other weddings
I did enter during the song,

but I wasn't the best
man, I was an usher,

and I lit candles
during the song.

You're right and I
was wrong. I'm sorry.

Fine.

Now we'll pretend the organ is
playing "Here Comes the Bride."

All eyes turn toward the back.

( humming melody )

Will the maid of honor
start down the aisle, please?

( continues humming )

♪ The bride and the father... ♪

( resumes humming )

Fine, fine, fine.

Now here, I'll make a
few general remarks.

Dearly beloved,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then the father steps back.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah...
and the best man

gives the ring to the groom.

I don't have it.

You're not supposed to have it.

It's only the rehearsal. Right.

Just pretend, you
know, pantomime.

Now, just repeat after me:

"With this ring, I thee wed."

BOTH: With this
ring... I thee wed.

I think it would be better

if we limited participation
to the groom, hmm?

( starts crying ) ( chuckles )

I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry.

"With this ring, I thee wed."

With this ring I thee wed.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Um... Felix... Oh, I'm sorry.

W-w-what's wrong?

( honks loudly )

What's going on here?

It's all my fault.

Well, we know that.

Shh! Don't shh
me, it's my wedding!

What is that awful
noise he's making?

It's his sinuses. He's always
done that. ( honks again )

He's always done that

and you asked him
to be our best man?

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right, Felix.

Don't tell him it's all right.

What if he does that tomorrow?

My sister isn't
flying in from Tulsa

to hear that awful noise.

I'm sorry, Phyllis.

It's just that I...

You could've had Norman Sinclair

as your best man.

He has a sinus condition,

but all he does
is blow his nose.

The man is upset.

Can't you see that
the man is upset?

I can hear that.

Uh, Felix?

Hey, Felix, uh...

what's the matter with you?

Just this lovely ceremony.

Reminds me of the
one Gloria and I had.

Gloria?

Gloria's his ex-wife.

Oh, no wonder.

He probably made
that awful noise

at his own wedding.

Such a lovely wedding.

I remember the
beautiful little flower girl...

who later testified
against me at the divorce.

I wish you could have
been at our wedding.

Even the caterer said
it was a lovely wedding

and he knows weddings.

Oh, it's so sad.

Everything begins so beautifully

and ends so badly.

( sighs )

Felix depressed everyone so much

with the description
of his own marriage,

that he even had my own parents

contemplating divorce.

Come on, Phyllis,

I know Felix better than anyone.

And he's a pain,
but I can't believe

it's all his fault.

Well, it had to be
him because, well,

Harvey's never made
a decision on his own

in his whole life.

Harvey... well,
he's a jellyfish.

But he's the only
jellyfish in my sea.

( door opens )

Hello, Phyllis.

Oh! Where is he?!

What have you done with Harvey?

I'm sure we can settle
this in a civilized manner.

I'm sorry.

Yesterday you were
sorry about the rehearsal.

Today you're sorry
about the wedding.

Would you like to stick
around and try for the children?

Phyllis, what can I say?

You can say that Harvey
is ready to get married.

I can't say that.

Oh... where is he?!

I went by his
apartment this morning

to pick him up,
and he wasn't there.

Where was he?

I didn't know.

Even his mother didn't know.

( gasps )

And then it came to me...

It dawned like a flash
of lightning from the sky.

Where has he gone all his life
whenever he had a problem?

To the movies.

Yes, he proposed to me

during the intermission
of Dr. Zhivago.

And sure enough, there he was,

in the loges of the
One More Time.

"One more time?"

It's the name of the theater.

They show old classic films.

Will you put these away?

Did you ask him why he
didn't show up at the wedding?

I tried, but people wouldn't let
us talk; they kept shushing us.

They made us
move to the balcony.

Will you wait'll I
get a tape recorder?

Because nobody's going to
believe this entire conversation.

BOTH: Shh!

What did he say in the balcony?

Well, not much at first.

The movie was A Man And A Woman.

That's a classic film, Oscar.

It's a beautiful
love story about...

A man and a woman.

I picked it up from the title.

He just kept staring at
the screen and saying,

"Why can't it be
like that for me?"

I she still doing that?

Oh, that picture
has ruined my life.

Will you tell us what Harvey
said about the wedding!

He said he didn't
want to get married.

I tried, Phyllis, I tried.

Oh! Felix Unger,
I'll never forgive you!

Only two other people
in the whole world

have said that to me:

You and my ex-wife.

Yeah, but I didn't
really mean it, Felix.

Well, that's it, I may as well

check out of the human race.

Having Felix Unger
for a friend is a jinx.

Well, Felix, having you
for a friend is not exactly

like having a rabbit's
foot in your pocket,

but it's not a jinx.

( door opens )

Well, that's it.

It's all over for me.

I have no place to go.

I realized that

when I rang for the elevator.

My lease on the apartment
was up this morning.

I already moved
my stuff to Harvey's.

The only place that I fit in is
the front window of a bakery.

Oh... ( shrieks )

Don't you touch me, you jinx!

Phyllis, you're overexcited.

Why don't you go in the
bedroom and lay down?

Because I don't want
to mess up my hairdo.

It cost me $12.50.

That crummy hairdresser.

He wouldn't even give
me a bridal discount.

Yeah, but if you
rest, you'll feel better.

Come on, lie down. Come on.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right.

Okay. Right down the hall.

Okay. I hate you.

Maybe if she eats something.

( Phyllis screams )

She's killed herself.

Phyllis!

Phyllis, what is it?

This room, it's so dirty!

How many times...?

Oh, it's not so bad.

It's just that she's in white.

Look, why don't you go

in Felix's room?

It's a little cleaner there.

This is terrible. Terrible!

We've got to do something.

What do you mean,
we've got to do something?

Oh, Oscar, I have
messed up so badly.

Will you please go back to
the theater and talk to Harvey?

Come on, Felix, I don't
even know this guy.

Never mind.

I'll do it my...
All right, all right,

all right, if my best
friend is this upset,

it's my problem, too.

Besides, I want to get out of
here... I'm going to go crazy.

I'll change and then I'll go.

Oscar... What?

Thank you.

That's all right.

Listen, how will I know
this guy when I see him?

He's the only one in the balcony

in a top hat and striped pants.

( groans )

OSCAR: Harvey?

Harvey?

Harvey Bixley?

Harvey, for heaven's sakes,

answer this loudmouth.

I'm Harvey Bixley.

Hooray, he found him!

I'm Oscar Madison,
Felix Unger's roommate.

Oh.

I came to talk to
you about Phyllis.

Oh, I already talked
to Felix about Phyllis.

Yeah, well, look, since
I'm not as involved as Felix,

maybe you and I
could talk about it, huh?

Like Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan?

Oh, in all those old movies,

he was always
the one you went to

when you had troubles.

You always went
to Ronald Reagan.

Well, times have changed.

Actually, you should
be talking to Phyllis.

It's not that easy for
Phyllis and me to talk.

Oh, look, see,

this is one of my
favorite parts...

Where the man drives
hundreds of miles

through the night,
just to see the woman.

Now that's love, you see.

Did you know I worked

at the unemployment office?

Harvey, maybe you
ought to snap your fingers

when you're gonna
change the subject.

Oh, I'm sorry, but
it's all tied together.

Phyllis works there, too.

For years we've been working
together during the days

and going to the
movies together at night.

Harvey, you're
not going to tell me

about your childhood,
are you? No.

Thank goodness!

But in the early years,

we saw a lot of Rock
Hudson-Doris Day movies.

You know, Rock was always
the handsome bachelor

and Doris was the girl

that wouldn't even kiss anybody

until she was married to them.

You know those movies?

Oh, how movies have changed.

Well, that was fine.

I mean, I'd look at those movies

and I'd think, well,
they're make-believe

and that Phyllis
and I were reality.

Then we saw A Man And A Woman,

and it was, uh...
something else.

The passion, the sensitivity,

the ecstasy of victory,
the agony of defeat...

That wasn't Man And A Woman,

that was the Wide
World of Sports.

Anyway, after we
saw this picture,

uh, it seemed like

Phyllis and I were make-believe.

It just... messed up our lives.

Harvey, now, look...
You listen to me.

You're real, and
Phyllis is real.

The picture is nice but
that's not the way life is.

I know, but that's
the way life should...

That's the trouble with
a lot of marriages today.

They expect it to be
like it is in the movies,

but it never is.

I mean, if you don't like a
movie, you can walk out on it.

But it's not that easy in life.

And somebody just
hit me with a gumdrop.

Harvey...

there's a girl waiting
back in my apartment

who expected to
get married today.

The least you could
do is talk to her.

I guess you're right.

Great, let's go.

Oh!

After the scene at the beach.

Listen, you want to
play musical chairs,

sit downstairs.

Shh!

( muttering )

( man on screen
speaking French )

Hey!

Have I got a boy for you!

Hi.

I want to get married.

Hmph! Well, I don't
want to marry you.

Good-bye, Harvey.

How do you like that?

A man pours his
heart out to a woman

and she just walks out on him.

Hey... I wonder why, Felix.

Oh, it doesn't matter why.

She's gone, isn't she?

Anouk Aimee would
never do anything like that.

Wait a minute, Harvey,
where are you going?

To the movies?

Felix... I left a woman

that wanted to get married,

to find a man that didn't
want to get married.

I came back with a man

that wanted to get married

to find a woman that
didn't want to get married.

Now, somewhere in there,
something went wrong.

Do you have any idea why?

Could've been
lots of things, I...

Oh, I know it could've
been lots of things

but I'm looking for the thing

that happened between
the time I left and came back.

I... maybe this had
something to do with it... I...

What's that?

A transcript of
my divorce trial.

You had it bound?

I know you're entitled
to an explanation.

I'm entitled to your
head on a stick

but I'll settle for
an explanation.

We got to talking about marriage

and I showed her
my wedding pictures,

I showed her the slides
of my honeymoon...

Ooh, I'll bet she was thrilled.

Oscar, my shot of
Niagara Falls by moonlight

made the cover of Newslife.

I'm sure, Felix.

But did you ever stop to think

that maybe your marriage
started to fall apart

when you decided
to start taking pictures

on the first night of
your honeymoon?

Phyllis asked about that

and I told her that Gloria
mentioned it at the divorce

and that's when I
took out the transcript...

Felix!

I'm a fool!

No, no, you're not a fool.

Yes, you're a fool.

Oh, I've made such
a mess of things.

I'm going to
straighten this out.

Where you going?

To straighten this out.

How? I don't know!

Look, we have to
get 'em in a place

where neither of
'em can walk out.

They work together at
the unemployment office.

That's the place.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanchez,

but you must realize

we don't get too many
calls for flamenco dancers.

( stomps loudly )

Hi, Harve.

Felix, Oscar.

Any luck?

No. I tried to talk
to her this morning.

She threw a 38-dash-22 at me.

That's one of our forms for
non-English speaking aliens.

It was... humiliating.

In other words, no talking?

No talking, just... throwing.

But if we can get
her to talk to you,

you'll talk to her, right?

Of course. All I
need is a chance.

Okay, wait here.

HARVEY: Uh, well...

I'm supposed to start
my coffee break now.

Is it all right if I wait
over by the doughnuts?

All right, sir, next
week, regular window.

Well, what do you want?

Phyllis, we thought...

maybe if you and
Harvey just talked.

Hmm. There's
nothing to talk about.

How do you know
if you don't talk?

Because, I thought
about it all last night.

Harvey is just the way I
was in my first marriage.

Your first marriage?

The first time that I
almost got married.

I was just a drippy kid.

See, I thought everything
was like it was in the movies.

And that's the way Harvey is.

He thinks everything is like
it is in A Man And A Woman.

I mean, the first time
he saw me in curlers,

the whole thing would be over.

No, I don't think so.

No, I think Harvey's got
more to him than that.

There is nothing to him.

That is why I'm leaving
him, this job, this town.

I am gonna work in
the unemployment office

in Albuquerque, New
Mexico, or any other place

where they've never heard of
Harvey Bixley... that jellyfish.

Maybe the old
Harvey's a jellyfish,

but the new Harvey may not be.

Hmph! New? What's new?

This morning, I threw
a 38-dash-22 at him,

he nearly fainted.

He's just a jellyfish.

FELIX: Phyllis...

why don't you talk to him?

He's over there
at the doughnuts.

Go ahead. Talk to him. Please.

Eh, I don't know.

Phyllis... there's a
man at the doughnuts

who loves you.

Does that mean nothing to you?

Yeah, well, all right, maybe,
maybe I could talk to him.

But he better have
something to say!

( slaps sign down )

Felix and Oscar said that you

want to talk to me.

Uh, yes.

Well... Now, look, Harvey,

I'm not going to mess around.

They say that you've changed.

For once in your life, be a man.

Do you or do you
not want to marry me?

Well... "Well, well?"

I ask you for a "yes" or a "no."

A "well" is neither of those.

Well, uh...

That's perfect, that's perfect.

A jelly doughnut,
for a jellyfish.

Well, you are never going

to see me again, ever.

You had your chance
and you blew it.

This is the last

that you'll ever
see Phyllis Parker.

Good-bye, Harvey.

It didn't work.

She walked out on me
the same way Lilli Palmer

walked out on John
Garfield in Body and Soul!

Harvey, you're out of your mind!

The girl is walking
out of your life!

This isn't a scene from a
movie, she's really leaving you!

Well, what do you
think I should do?

Stop her! How?

Go after her! Yell!

Phyllis!

W-w-what do I do now?

If you don't know
what to do now,

you're really hopeless.

Did you yell at me?

Shut up, Phyllis, and listen.

"Shut up, Phyllis"?!

"Shut up, Phyllis"?!

I tried to talk to
you yesterday,

and you wouldn't listen.

I tried to talk to you today,
and you wouldn't listen.

Now, you're going to listen.

First of all, Phyllis,
I have been a fool,

because, for as long
as I can remember,

I've been living in a
world that didn't exist!

I wouldn't say
that's... Shut up, Felix.

"Shut up, Felix"?

For me, it was always the movies

but that's all over now.

No more running along the ocean,

no more slow-motion kisses.

From now on... it's
going to be you and me

and a couple of babies

in some crummy apartment,
and you're going to love it.

Do you understand that, Phyllis?

Oh, Harvey.

MAN: Kiss her, Harvey!

( theme from A Man
And A Woman playing )

( crowd gasps happily )

( man in movie speaking French )

I'm really surprised
that you, of all people,

wanted to see this movie.

Well, sitting here with
Harvey, I got interested.

I want to see how it turns out.

Watch this.

This is the part where the man

tells the woman
about his first wife.

MAN: Hey, keep it down!

There's a lot of grouches
come to this theater.

Shh!

I wonder if they'll be happy.

I thought you saw the picture.

Harvey and Phyllis.

Oh, well, at least
they got married today.

Already that's an improvement.

And you got to go.

Yeah.

"Red Sails in the
Sunset" at a wedding?

I'm strictly an "I Love
You Truly" man myself.

I got a green one.
What'd you get?

A red one.

I'll trade you.

You got it.