The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 6 - Oscar's Ulcer - full transcript

FELIX: I'm warning you, Oscar,

you can't go on this way.

Working till all hours...

rushing from here to there...

gulping down your meals...

It's not healthy.

Mark my words.

It'll catch up with you.

( men talking quietly )

How's your stomach?

It hurts, doesn't it?



No, it's okay.

But what's with the cafeteria
in the middle of a poker game?

It's a buffet.

This is a poker game.

And so far, you're
the only winner.

Now, come on,
sit down. Let's play.

How much do I owe?

I put in for you.

Murray, keep your
hands off of my chips.

He doesn't trust me.

Last hand I held worse
than this was my wife's.

Give me two.

( ringing bell )

Felix, we're five grown men.



Why don't you
just say, "Let's eat"

instead of playing Tinker Bell?

( ringing )

That looks great. I'm out.

I'm out.

Where did you get that?

It was a wedding gift.

I used to call Gloria
to dinner with it.

( ringing )

I think I will
have a bite to eat.

If you can get over
there on two broken legs.

I'm out, okay.

SPEED: It's one
of nature's laws.

Speed gets hot,
everybody gets out.

I see you, I... Ooh.

Hey, you all right?

Yeah.

Your face looks
as if it's in a vise.

I'm okay! What have you got?

Aces up.

Okay.

Whew! I think I'm
going to lay down.

Hey, he looks sick.

Ah, he's faking.

He always does that
when he's winning.

No, he's not faking.

He folded with a full house.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

I just turned it on.

And I just turned it off.

Get back in bed.

You're supposed to be sick.

I feel better now.

You can't feel better.
I called the doctor.

You know how they
are about house calls.

I had to tell him it
was an emergency.

Call them back, tell
them you were lying.

I feel fine.

( door buzzer )

It's him. Please,
at least act sick.

I'll never get another
doctor to trust me.

Felix, doctors mean a
great deal to you, don't they?

Yes. Now will you get in bed?

( whistles )

Uh-huh, you see, it does hurt.

Oh, I'm all right.

But just so you won't look bad,

I'll give you a pain.

( moaning and groaning )

( door buzzer )

I'm, I'm Dr. Melnitz.

How do you do,
Doctor? I'm Felix Unger.

I appreciate your coming.

( loud moaning )

It must be the patient.

I certainly hope so.

This way, Doctor.

Hold it, hold it.
Slow down a second.

I'm not a well man.

I've got a nervous condition.

My doctor says I've
got to take it easy.

Your doctor?

Doctors can't have doctors?

Let's just take it easy.

Let's see the patient.

Oh, I've been in
sickrooms before,

but this is a sick room.

Are you sure that this room

is part of that clean
apartment outside?

I've been too sick
to clean up, doc.

Where does it hurt?

Right here.

You sure it wasn't on the left?

No. No, it's right here.

Was it a throbbing kind of pain?

No, it's a short,
stabbing kind of pain.

You get these pains
before you eat, or after?

Before.

Sometimes after, too.

A couple hours after he eats.

You tell me when it hurts.

This hurt?

No.

No.

Would you please wait outside?

Why? What?

Is there something I'm
not supposed to know?

I can take it.

I want you to leave the room.

Can you take that?

Felix, I'm the patient.

If it's anything fatal,
it's me he'll keep it from,

remember?

Oh, yeah. Oh.

I'll, I'll be right outside
if you need anything.

Well, Doctor?

You know the air is

completely different out here?

How is he, Doctor?

I can't say for sure

until he comes
in for further tests.

I told your friend that he may
have the beginnings of an ulcer.

No!

No?

You may be right.

At this point, your
guess is as good as mine.

Oh, and one other thing.

I won't make another house
call unless he cleans his room.

Just in the nick of time.

Are you trying to
commit suicide?

No, but you will be

if you ever do that to me again.

I just phoned Dr. Melnitz.

Your tests definitely show
the beginnings of an ulcer.

Good.

It's a thrill to know
what you're dying of.

That's my lunch.

No!

This is your lunch.

Milk to coat the lining.

Creamed corn.

Strained spinach.

And applesauce.

Felix, that's baby food.

I know what it is. I bought it.

Well, then you
also ought to know

that I'm not going to eat it.

Oscar, you have the
beginnings of an ulcer.

That's your body's
way of saying to you,

"Be good to me, Oscar.

Treat me gently or I'll
make you pay for it."

My body's beginning to sound
an awful lot like my ex-wife.

No.

Try it.

You're out of your mind.

Mmm... mmm!

It's delicious. Try it.

I'll try it, if you promise

to leave me alone afterwards.

Open the doors.

Open the doors?

MAN: Hey!

Are you Oscar Madison?

That's right. Who are you?

I'm McClosky, Louis
Sanchez' trainer.

Did you write, "Sanchez
moves with all the grace

of a three-legged elephant"?

It's a great line, isn't it?

Listen, you wouldn't know

a three-legged elephant
if it stepped on you!

Can you hold this down a bit?

Mr. Madison is having his lunch.

Who's he, your nanny?

Felix, stay out of this.

Listen, you got a complaint,
get yourself a crayon

and write a letter
to the editor.

It's guys like you that give
the fight game a bad name.

Want to help the fight game?

Get your boy into
another racket!

Aah!

Maybe he'll become
a sportswriter.

Oh, very funny!

Out, out, you bum!

Stubborn, pigheaded man.

Oh, he's a creep.

You!

This whole office is filled

with such disorganization
and tension.

That's the reason
you've got pain.

No, Felix.

You're the reason I have pain.

The whole point in these
cases is to avoid excitement.

I think we should cancel
our date with the girls tonight.

They're very exciting.

Felix, the kind of
excitement the girls give me,

I can live with.

The kind of
excitement you give me,

I'm not very sure.

Good-bye, Felix.

Good-bye!

I sense you're in no mood

to discuss this intelligently.

Drink your milk,
it's good for you.

Here we go.

( humming )

FELIX: We do have neighbors.

( laughing )

We can only have a short one.

We're working girls, you know.

Anything you say, but I thought

it'd be better to
have a drink up here

than in that crummy bar.

I like bars.

They're so plastic.

Yeah, come on in, come on in.

Hmm, this room has
definite possibilities.

Sit down, sit down.
What'll you have?

A double scotch on the rocks.

A vodka martini, and no olive.

Unless it's dietetic.

I've been watching my figure.

So have I.

( guffawing )

Felix, that's a double
scotch on the rocks

and a vodka martini
with a dietetic olive.

Will you get the
drinks for the girls

while I get to know them better?

Will you get the drinks
for the girls, Felix?

What do you think of the place?

I'd say this room
does have possibilities.

Wouldn't you, Marilyn?

It has a lot more possibilities

since you girls got here.

( laughing )

I read the most interesting
book in the world last week.

Lust in the Suburbs.

MARILYN: You read that book?

OSCAR: Every filthy word.

Party time.

My martini!

Yes, with a dietetic olive.

What's this?

It looks like milk.

You're having milk, Oscar.

I feel like a lush
drinking liquor

while you're drinking milk.

Well, here's to a great evening.

( glasses clinking )

Oh, are those ladyfingers?

Mm-hmm, I don't suppose

you'd want one with a martini?

No, thanks.

They go great with milk.

Remember the part
in Lust in the Suburbs

where the pilot puts the plane

on automatic
pilot... I made them.

Yes, it's good.

The ladyfingers.

You know, the
part where he walks

in the passenger section
just with his raincoat.

You made them?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't think anybody
made ladyfingers.

Oh, there are a few of us left.

What time is it?

What time is it?

It's early, that's
what time it is.

Felix, I want some more milk.

Would you come in the kitchen

and show me how?

He sure must like milk.

Excuse me.

I guess you could get hooked

on anything nowadays.

What are you trying to do to me?

What, what, what?

I don't want any milk.

I'm out there. I'm
pitching my heart out.

I've got them talking
about Lust in the Suburbs.

You know what that means.

You blow it all
with ladyfingers!

I didn't mean... Look, look.

Look, you're doing it to me.

I don't want any
milk, I want affection.

The minute I know

whether it's gonna be
yes or no with Marilyn,

my stomach will be okay.

So stay out of the
way with your recipes.

Shh.

Where's your milk?

I decided against it.

Two glasses, I
turn into an animal.

( growling )

( laughing )

I dig lies.

They're so plastic.

Yeah, where were
we in our discussion

about Lust in the Suburbs?

You certainly have
a one-track mind.

I'm talking about literature.

But I'm thinking
about your neck.

Mr. Madison, I hardly know you.

Yeah, but what do you say
we get better acquainted?

What is it, Felix?

Oscar, this is
wrong. It's wrong.

Look at you.

You're holding your
stomach with one hand,

you're reaching for
her with the other.

It's partially your
fault, too, you know.

Mine?

Yes, Oscar is sick.

And the suspense is killing him.

Felix!

No, we're going to
settle this once and for all.

You're the one who
mentioned uncertainty.

Felix!

You can save Oscar a lot
of pain if you'll tell him now.

Tell him what now?

Yes or no.

We better get out of here.

Oh, wow.

You guys are really smooth.

Why don't you put
a sign on the door...

"yes or no, check one."

A girl likes a little sweet
talk first, you know.

I mean, it's plastic,
but we love it.

Felix?

If I could take my
hands off my stomach,

I'd strangle you.

I was only trying to help.

Yeah, thank you...

Ooh... Felix, the
philanthropist.

Oscar, what am I supposed to do,

watch my best friend
destroy himself?

Put yourself in my
hands for one week.

No way!

One week,

and I guarantee
you'll be able to chase

all the girls you want.

Felix, you drive a hard bargain.

FELIX: One week, Oscar.

One peaceful and serene week.

An afternoon with Brahms.

You'll love the concert.

Gliding on the lake
with no distractions.

Sorry, Oscar, you
know our bargain.

No distractions.

Now isn't this relaxing?

A leisurely stroll
before dinner,

then a nice nap.

You can forget all your troubles

and sleep... sleep... sleep.

( Moonlight Sonata playing )

What are you doing now?

Just trying to raise your
feet higher than your head.

So that you won't have
any strain on your heart.

This whole week has
been a strain on my heart,

to say nothing about
my morale and my libido.

You haven't had an attack
all week, now admit it.

I admit it, I admit it.

What time are the
guys coming for poker?

We're not playing poker tonight.

What is it, Christmas Eve?

I just don't want
you to get excited.

You promised me a
whole week, didn't you?

I've got one more day to go.

Felix... ooh!

You see, even the
thought of poker is more

than your stomach can tolerate.

You mean the guys aren't coming?

They're coming, but
we won't play poker.

We'll have fun.

Don't you think it will
be fun to have company?

Company? That bunch can
be called a lot of things, Felix,

but company's not one of them.

( door buzzer )

They're here.

( chattering )

Hey, everybody.

Felix, we all rode here
in Murray's squad car.

Yeah, I was off-duty.

I thought I'd give
the guys a thrill.

Good evening, fellas.

Hiya, fellas.

ALL: Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Oscar, you, uh...

Yeah! Fine. I'm fine!

What's with the music?

He didn't die, did he?

No, no, Oscar's ulcer
is just great, isn't it?

You mean to tell me, I left

a perfectly unhappy
home to come to this?

As your accountant, I'm
happy you got an ulcer.

Doctor bills are deductible.

I always thought that only
sensitive people got ulcers.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Shut off the music, Felix?

Okay, let's get started.

Where are the cards?

SPEED: You can't expect
me to shuffle my fingers.

No poker tonight.

What? Are you kidding?

Your friend Oscar
happens to be very sick.

Now we can play poker

and we can get
Oscar all excited,

or we can sit around and talk

and help him on
the road to recovery.

Oh, Felix, will you...

Now, what's it
going to be, fellas?

Poker or Oscar's good health?

Oscar's good
health. Oscar's health.

Right.

Speed?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

All right, we won't play poker.

But just for tonight!

Felix, I promise not
to get over-excited.

No poker.

What's the matter with sitting
and talking for a change?

You mean, talk like
one of those talk shows?

Get the cards. We'll
draw for emcee.

Everybody let's form a nice

conversational
group around Oscar.

You'll see, it will be fun.

Murray, come on in.

You sit right down
here on Oscar's right.

Speed sits there.

Vinnie, on Oscar's left.

That's nice, no, Vinnie

no, Roy, you sit there.

That's it, good, good.

Vinnie, get a chair.

Good! Now isn't this fun?

Speed, you start.

What will I talk about?

Anything you like.

Oh, yeah.

When I was about ten years old,

I was in this game with
some of the older fellas

and I was drawing
to a full house.

I didn't have no money.

Speed, change the subject.

You said I could
talk about anything.

Anything but poker.

Well, then I got
nothing to talk about.

You don't have to
raise your hand, Murray.

If you want to talk, talk.

I thought this
would be interesting.

I was writing up a guy for
jaywalking the other day

when, all of a sudden,

this girl comes
driving by in a car

and I swear she didn't
have any clothes on.

You're kidding.

No, no clothes.

I'm sorry, Murray, no girls.

Those are the two
subjects... No girls, no poker.

Just a little too exciting
for Oscar's stomach.

Then what else is
there to talk about?

Would anyone be interested

in how I got rid
of our crabgrass?

Get the cards, Felix.

Roy, how about you?

I'm sure we'd all be interested
in what happened at work.

Wouldn't we, fellas?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Well, um... oh!

We finally got our
new L.M.X. Tabulator.

It's green and blue.

The old model was
a dull steel gray.

The new model is
a pretty little baby

and it goes like the devil.

( imitating tabulator )

The tabulator
key stuck at first,

but the company sent out a
man to fix it within an hour.

It was just a little adjustment.

Now, it goes like the devil.

( imitating tabulator )

Yeah, you know, we got

a brand new L.M.X. electric
typewriter at the station.

You ought to see
Sergeant Romero on it.

I'll tell you, he can
get out those reports

in half the time it took
him on the old typewriter.

Have you seen them?

All the letters are
on a little metal ball,

you see, and it
stays in one position,

but it spins around to
give you the letter you want

and it goes like the
devil... you know...

( imitating
electric typewriter )

Right, right.

( imitating electric tabulator )

Where are the cards, Felix?!

Where are the cards?

I hid them.

Then I'm getting out of here.

I can't take this
craziness anymore.

Tabulators and crabgrass

and... ( imitating
electric typewriter )

I want my freedom!

Oscar, we're going to have
icebox cookies and milk later!

Did you ever?

( cheering )

Oh, honey, come here.

I want you to see this hitter.

Come here.

TV ANNOUNCER:
Here's the situation.

Jones, who has been
nursing a three-nothing lead...

Hello, Oscar.

How did you know where I was?

You said you
wanted your freedom.

Freedom to you means
either a hot tamale

or a night baseball game.

The Mets are out of town.

Oh, look, honey!

Didn't I tell you he
was a beautiful hitter?

What a clean, beautiful hit,

I tell you!

That's poison!

You want to kill him?

No comprende inglese.

Honey, mas tamales, mas tacos.

Mucho mas tacos. Go.

I suppose you realize the reason

Mexico has never become a
world power is because of their food.

Look.

Open the door...

All right, Oscar, go ahead.

If you want to burn a hole

through the lining of
your stomach, go ahead.

Those beans will
form a cement block

in the bottom of your stomach.

( crowd roaring )

Sure, now the game's
getting exciting, isn't it?

Start a little acid
flowing over those rocks.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Acid on the rocks.

Oscar, your body is a time bomb.

Pretty soon, boom!

Felix, my body was
never a time bomb

until you moved in.

You, Felix, are the reason
for the pain in my stomach.

Oh, I'm the reason

for the pain in your stomach.

Don't start pouting.

Can't you take a little
criticism without pouting?

I'm not pouting.

Oh, yes, you are pouting.

You know how I
know you're pouting?

You're not nagging.

When you're not
nagging, you're pouting.

So it's out in the
open now, isn't it?

I guess so.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

Oh, yes, I'm saying
what you think I'm saying.

What do you think I
think you're saying?

You know what I think
you think I'm saying.

Well, you've made
it perfectly clear.

Tomorrow, I'll pack my bags

and I'll leave.

Another meal like that last one

and you'll turn your
body into a time bomb.

Pretty soon you'll...
I know... boom!

Not that I care anymore, Doctor,

but how is he?

If he doesn't
explode, he'll live.

Well, I'm all packed.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

You're leaving?

I don't stay where
I'm not appreciated.

Do you want me
to appreciate you?

All right, I appreciate it.

You gave me an ulcer, okay?

You pick up a loaded tamale,

you point it at your stomach

and you accuse me
of pulling the trigger.

You drove me to that tamale!

You and your nagging!

That did it.

I'm leaving.

Personally, I think it
would be a mistake

for you to leave.

Obviously, he's
what they call...

In medical terms... a yeller.

A yeller has got to have someone

to yell at.

FELIX: Think I should stay?

I do, if you behave yourself.

Don't be over-careful with him.

That's up to Oscar!

Why is it always up to Oscar?

Look, Felix, look.

I know you're
only trying to help

and, well, I do appreciate it.

I... I certainly
appreciate that...

that you appreciate it.

Oh, I'd appreciate
it a little more

if you didn't nag me so much,

but, well, I do
want you to stay.

I want to stay.

Good, then you'll both try

and I'll tell you what
I'd really appreciate.

Anything, Doctor,
you've been such a help.

I want you to both promise me

that, if this trouble
ever occurs again,

that you won't waste a minute,

that you'll pick up the phone,

and call another doctor.

Hey, congratulations.

What for?

Two weeks without pain.

Hey, that's right.

We're gonna celebrate.

You know what
we're going to have?

What?

A little light cream soup
to coat the stomach,

and then filet of sole veroni...

( groans )

Got a pain? No.

What, what? No.

Something I said? No!

What is it?

Dr. Melnitz' bill!