The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Breakup - full transcript

( loud mechanical whirring )

( electric blender whirring )

( vacuum cleaner buzzing )

( whirring, buzzing continuing )

( whirring stops )

( buzzing continuing )

Felix, I got a
hangover, will ya?

( turns off vacuum cleaner )

You're defrosting my freezer.

I was frappéing this for you.

A little waker-upper.



( blender whirring )

How about a little
shutter-upper?

I was just trying to be nice.

I know you have a
hangover this morning.

It's because of you
I have a hangover.

Now leave me alone

before I do something
I may regret.

I said I was sorry
about last night!

You're shouting, Felix.

What's to be sorry?

I love to stay in a bar
till 4:00 in the morning,

because my roommate locked
me out of my own apartment.

Aren't you forgetting
our little pact?

I'm running out
of patience, Felix.



When the mat is turned over,

that means one
of us has got a girl.

The other guy is on his own.

Yeah, but the mat's
been turned over

four times already this week.

I'm on a hot streak
with the ladies.

Warren Beatty was never on
such a hot streak with the ladies.

What were you
doing till 4:00 a.m.?

I was showing
slides of Atlantic City.

Now I get it.

First you bore them to death,

then you make your move.

Get out of my life, Felix.

Look, the pact was your idea.

Do you want to
draw up another one?

I'm more than
willing to sign it.

All I want you to do is
shut up and leave me alone.

Oscar.

Shut up, Felix.

Here, drink this.

Oh, Oscar, even
animals... Shut up, Felix.

That's two "shut up, Felixes."

No, that's three "shut up,
Felixes"... you miscounted.

Get out of my room, now!

( blender whirring )

I'm frappéing one for myself.

I just frappéed it.

And you're next!

I was only trying to help you.

Do you want to help me, Felix?

Yes. Really help?

Yes!

Get out!

Do you realize you're
practically telling me

you don't want me here anymore?

What "practically"?

I'm saying it: I don't
want you here anymore.

What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Keep it up, Oscar, keep it up.

I'm likely to take you up on it.

Take me up on it.

You know, I've got a
good mind to really leave.

You have no choice,
Felix... you're out!

Just remember the old adage:

"Laugh before breakfast
and you'll cry before dinner."

No, no, you have it all wrong:

"Cry when you're here,
laugh when you're out."

Fine!

Let it be on your head.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

That's right, Gwen,

and now the place is mine.

Yeah, I mean it's all mine.

What do you say we
have dinner tonight?

You like Chinese food?

Great, we'll have a feast.

Ciao.

( phone ringing )

Madison Manor, Oscar
the Beautiful speaking.

It's me.

I don't want to talk and
I'm not trying to make up.

Kindly forward my
mail to Murray's.

Does Murray know
what he's doing?

Murray and Mimi are
not fair-weather friends.

Please remember
to water my fern.

And the sink's been
giving me trouble.

If it backs up...

OSCAR: Felix...

I intend to sell the sink.

( slams phone down )

Hey, you did a great job

straightening up my closet.

Thank you, Murray.

Huh?

Felix did it.

Oh, thanks, Felix.

Isn't he something?

I think he's charming.

He pulls out a chair for a lady,

opens a door, cooks like a chef.

And he doesn't mind
doing the dishes.

Murray, we'll have you
doing the dishes yet.

Listen, Gwen, I'm sorry
about the chow mein.

I didn't know Felix had
taken his soy sauce with him.

Oh, that's all right.

It's not just the
soy sauce, Oscar.

I just don't like
eating out of cartons.

It makes the egg rolls
taste like cardboard.

There's nothing
I can do about it.

See, I'm out of plates
and the sink is full of them.

I'm going to sell that sink.

Hey, try some
sweet and sour duck.

No, no, I don't think I will.

Oh, go ahead,
really, it's really good.

No, really, I don't
crave any now.

And I'm sure I won't crave
any an hour from now.

Oh, what difference
does it make?

Gwendolyn, do you realize

this is the very first time

you and I have been ever
alone in this apartment...

Without Felix, I mean?

Yes.

I miss him.

You miss Felix?

Why? He was always in the way,

cleaning and tidying
and vacuuming.

Dusting.

Do you know, he never
even kissed me good-bye.

How about kissing me hello?

No, I really don't
think I should.

I mean, after eating
from those cartons,

I think I've got
cardboard on my breath.

No, you don't. No,
you really don't.

You know, it's really so sad

about you and Felix.

What is?

I mean, how could
you throw him out

into the cold, dark night?

Gwendolyn, it was 10:00 in
the morning on a sunny day.

Besides, it was the
best thing for both of us.

Why?

Why? Because we were driving
each other crazy, that's why.

Heaven knows, I really tried.

Oh, now I think I understand.

Do you? Yeah.

Do you know, I... I
remember my first fiancée.

We got a little tipsy one night

and I really told him off.

And then he bit my ankle.

He bit your ankle?

Yeah.

Oh, well, he was lying
under the table at the time.

Ooh, he was a terrible
drinker, that one.

Do you know, about
a month after that,

he got discharged
from the Queen's guards

because they found a
bottle under his busby.

Busbies, bottles, what
are we talking about?

We should be talking about us.

A man and a woman,
alone, finally, in the apart...

Oscar, what's that?

That's a turkey leg.

I know it's a turkey leg.

What's it doing stuffed
down behind the settee?

I was gonna have it for
lunch, on Tuesday, but I lost it.

You lost a turkey leg?

You're crying because
I lost a turkey leg?

( sniffling ): No...

You reminded me of Felix.

A turkey leg
reminded you of Felix?

No, well, it just seemed

so lost and disjointed.

I mean, the place isn't
the same without him.

That's right, it's better.

I mean, I can still feel

his presence
through all the dirt.

Well, look, I'll
clean it up, hon!

Well, you can't clean
away his memory.

( sniffling )

It's on your head, Oscar.

That's fascinating.

Did you use it today?

Nah.

I'm just getting it in shape

for tomorrow's inspection.

It's a rule.

They have to clean
their guns every day.

Every day?

Our police commissioner's
a real crackerjack.

Yeah, it's too
bad he's resigning.

He's resigning?

Yeah, he's getting his
own talk show next year.

You missed a little
spot on the barrel.

Yeah, well, just
watch it, Felix.

You know, that's...

Is it loaded?

It's loaded.

Oh, Murray, he got
your number painting.

Felix shot Daphne
right between the eyes.

MIMI: He loved it so.

It took him six
months to fill her in.

She was just like a
member of the family.

What can I say?

Aw, don't say
anything. Just forget it.

Are you sure it's all right?

Yeah, it's okay,
Felix. It's all right.

Well, good, then I'm going

to speak with complete
frankness to you, Murray.

I think it's deplorable
that a police officer,

with your background,

would clean a loaded
pistol in his own home.

I know it's a violation,

but I'm not going to
report you this time,

because you've been a
very good friend to me.

But from now on,
I'm warning you:

watch your step.

Good night, Mimi.

Thanks, Felix.

Mimi... take the gun
away from me, please.

Oh, Murray.

$350 a month?!

For what?

All the place needs
is a little sprucing up.

Mister, you need
the sprucing up.

This place could use
the National Guard.

Aw, come on, lady.

You could clean this place
up with your eyes closed.

I'd have to do it with my eyes,

ears, nose and throat closed.

This place is cursed.

Where are you going?

I'd never take this job.

I'd sooner clean up the zoo.

Yeah, well, don't come
begging for a second chance.

( Felix singing Italian opera )

Mimi, you know, I'm as
fond of Felix as you are,

but I can't take this anymore.

( Felix continues singing )

You know what he did last night?

You went to your
bridge club, you know?

I decided to get to bed early.

Well, about 11:30, I woke
up to get a drink of water.

When I got back to the
bedroom, my bed was made up.

( whispering ): He's
driving me crazy.

Well, Murray, I'll
be honest with you.

He's driving me crazy, too.

Well, that did it.

Just going to have to tell him

he's going to have to leave.

Good.

When he comes in, you tell him.

Me?

You're the man in the family.

But, Felix is my friend.

I can't just tell him...

Put on your badge and
gun, maybe that'll give you

some courage.

Good morning, all!

Oh, you're having
your breakfast.

Darn, I was going to fix you

one of my specialties:

Omelet a la Unger.

MURRAY: Ah, that's
nice of you Felix.

Nice of me. Don't be silly.

It's the least I can do.

I'm not a sentimental man,

but you two have been
so wonderful to me.

Unlike certain others who
shall remain nameless.

Words can't express my feelings.

Well, Felix, the
feeling is mutual.

Right, Murray?

Right, Felix.

( choking up ): I better
get ready to go to work.

( Felix blows his nose )

One thing... since we're going

to be together for some time,

I thought maybe we better do
something about the bathroom.

What's wrong with the bathroom?

Nothing's wrong with
your bathroom, per se.

But we all take our
showers in the morning,

and we get jammed up.

I thought it might be better

if one of us took a
shower the night before.

Now, Murray should be allowed to
take a shower whenever he wants to,

because he works
irregular hours.

So that leaves you and me.

How would you feel

about taking your shower
the night before, Mimi?

Felix, we're really not going
to be needing a schedule.

No, we don't, it's just...
it's very simple to work out,

if you let me explain...

Well, that's not
what Murray means.

Is it, Murray?

Murray?

It's my mother.

Go on, Murray.

It's her mother.

She's coming to visit us.

Oh, wonderful.

Where's she going to sleep?

In your room.

You mean you want me to leave.

We're only thinking
of you, Felix.

I wouldn't wish my
mother off on anybody.

Except Murray,

and that's only
because I love him.

I've enjoyed my stay
with you very much.

And I thank you.

I'll pack.

We had to do it.

Well, maybe now,

he'll go back home to Oscar.

Yeah... poor Felix.

Poor Oscar.

Hey, Oscar, Tony
Ann in the third.

Oscar, I know you're
not burying a bone,

so you must be
looking for something.

Looking for my gray shirt.

Felix must have
hid it before he left.

Now, where would
he hide my gray shirt?

Maybe it's under your
other gray clothes.

Hey, Speed, what
does this look like?

Like a pajama top and tie.

Looks like you're going
to a formal slumber party.

Yeah.

I just wanted you to know,
that if there's any mail for me...

Felix, we had this
conversation three days ago.

I know, send it to Murray's.

No, to Vinnie's.

How come you're at Vinnie's?

Murray's mother-in-law
is coming to visit.

Vinnie has plenty of room,
his wife is visiting her mother.

Ah! She must've
heard you were coming.

( guffawing )

Shall we leave personalities
out of this, Mr. Madison?

Okay, listen, Felix, hey...

Now, where'd you
hide my gray shirt?

It's in the refrigerator.

( over phone ): It's
wrapped in a towel

with a couple of other shirts.

In the refrigerator?! Why?

That's the way you keep shirts
damp before you iron them.

I thought it was lettuce
wrapped in a towel.

Where'd you put the lettuce,
in the laundry hamper?

I didn't call for the purpose

of enjoying your
delicate sarcasm, Oscar.

I'm only concerned
about my mail.

What mail? The
only mail you ever get

is the National Geographic.

That came three days ago.

So you don't have to call
me for four more weeks.

Felix, will you please sit
down and give me a chance

to win some of my money back?

Ashes.

Isn't it enough that
you're cleaning up in gin?

Can't you clean up
just one thing at a time?

( coughs )

Felix, what kind of
air freshener is that?

Sea Wind... "makes every room
as fresh as the incoming tide."

What's wrong?

I don't like the smell
of the incoming tide.

I like green pine.

Green pine?

Am I to gather that you'd

prefer I freshen the
room with green pine?

No, no, you're my guest.

Freshen the air with
anything that you like.

But will you spray
fast and sit down?

You got me on a blitz.

Well, I've checked your books,

and you can continue to live
like a king... if you don't eat.

( grunting )

He did it to me.

The curse of the Felix,
it's on my head, he did it.

Look at that.

( dishes clatter )

( shoe squeaks
on slippery floor )

Isn't this ridiculous?

Not especially.

But that... that's ridiculous.

Vinnie, if I were
you, I'd speak to Bebe

about her furniture polish.

Whatever she's
using is leaving a film.

I polish the furniture.

Oh.

I don't see any film.

My ex-wife could
never see any film either.

Gloria had weak
depth perception.

I don't see it
because it's not there.

If you say so.

Not because I say so,
because it doesn't exist.

Fine. It doesn't exist.

But if you'd try Neverdust,

instead of whatever
it is you're using...

I tried Neverdust and
it had a funny smell.

You're telling me
my tables smell?

Felix, I... I never
smelled your tables.

Now, will you pick a card?

I don't need to.

Why?

Gin.

Why don't you admit
it: you miss him.

Are you kidding?

What's to miss?

This is living.

I'll tell you what I do miss:

a doctor, because I think

I shattered the whole knee.

( phone ringing )

( phone continues ringing )

( phone continues ringing )

Yeah?

Hi, it's me.

Oh, Felix the witch doctor.

I just wanted to tell you
where to forward my mail.

Oh, you got bounced
out of Vinnie's so fast?

My parting with Vinnie
was perfectly amicable.

Yeah, yeah, okay,
where are you now?

I'm upstairs at
the Pigeon sisters'.

They insisted I come.

And in a few hours,
they'll insist you go.

This is ridiculous, Oscar.

Same to you, pal.

You're really sure I won't
be in the way, aren't you?

Oh, of course not.

It'll be great fun having you.

Really? Yes!

It'll be like one big party.

Oh, wonderful. And
I'll do all the cooking.

No, no, no, no.

I do all the cooking
in this house.

Oh, there I go, I'm awful.

Of course you'll
do all the cooking.

I'll just cook for myself.

Oh, no, I can prepare
all your favorite dishes.

Oh, yes, Gwen's marvelous.

You should see her late husband.

He was as thin as a rail.

She had him stout in no time.

He wasn't stout.

Oh, if that Sidney wasn't stout.

No.

He was... well-proportioned.

Oh, yes, well-proportioned,
for a big fat fellow.

Oh, stop it...

I make awful noises at
night with my sinuses.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well, that's all right.

Cessie and I are loud snorers.

Not as loud as big fat Sidney.

( giggling )

I just wanted to tell
you, I do strange things.

( both giggling )

Felix, I've told you before,

we're nice girls.

( mumbling, laughing )

FELIX: I know.

I just wanted to warn you

that it may not all
be one big party.

Some people seem to
find me difficult to live with.

Oh, that's silly.

I'm exhausted; I'm going to bed.

I'm tired out from
all this moving.

One thing: When
do you girls bathe?

Aren't you getting
a little personal?

We both bathe in
the morning, Felix.

Why?

Ah, that's bad, you
see, that makes three.

FELIX: It would
be so much better

if one of us took his bath
at night before going to bed.

Well, you two talk it over.

Good night.

He may be right, you know.

What? About the shower?

No, about it not
being one big party.

Don't you agree?

No, I don't agree.

And I don't agree

about what you said
about my Sidney, so there.

Oh, America's guest.

Just passing through.

On your way to where?

That's my business.

Oh.

Oh, I, uh... I forgot my keys.

And I guess that's my business.

I still have mine.

As I was passing through,

I thought I'd return
your key to you.

Thank you.

Here's your key.

Thank you.

Hey, what's happening?

About what?

You're obviously
not Willy Loman.

What are you doing
carrying those bags?

Just leaving.

How did you get the
Pigeon sisters mad at you?

It's impossible to get
them mad at anybody.

I'd prefer not to discuss
it, if you don't mind.

Well, what'll you do now, take
an ad in the paper: "Help offered"?

No, I'm going to a hotel.

( whistling )

( whistling )

You throwing out garbage?

Board of Health force you to?

Nah, I don't want things

to get piled up, you know.

How is everything with you?

Oh, fine, great.

It's a little
cluttered in there,

but that's the way I like it.

Cluttered.

Yeah, but it's going to be okay

'cause I'm gonna have somebody
come and clean once a week.

Get somebody to
do your laundry, too.

This is what they
call the casual look.

We've been friends a long
time... Oscar, we made mistakes.

What were you gonna
say? No, go ahead.

No, I was just gonna say that

I don't know what
I was going to say.

What were you going to say?

Something stupid, I'm sure.

Oh, no, Felix, no, you
say some bright things

and you do some bright...

Look, I'm telling you,
I'm the dumb one.

The truth is, I was
doing a lot better

when you were living here.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Since you left and you
put that curse on me,

everything's been going wrong.

Felix, what I mean
is, you don't have to go

to the hotel if
you don't want to.

You really mean it?

What do you want me to do,

give you a speech,
a ticker tape parade?

I don't have any more confetti.

Oh, I hate confetti.

It's perfectly useless
and it's messy.

( laughing )

Well, I'm glad you find
something funny to laugh at.

It's just it's the first time
I laughed since you left.

I just want to know
I'm welcome, that's all.

You're welcome.

My house is your
house, Felix... come on.

Felix?

Look, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...

would you remove the curse?

Oh, Oscar...

Please, will you?
It's on my head.

I mean it, Felix,
it's on my head.

I remove the curse.

Thank you, Felix.

( stifled sobbing )

Oh, come on, now,
don't get sentimental.

I'm not sentimental.

Who wouldn't cry
looking at this kitchen?

Good morning.

I bring you morning cheer.

Hi, Felix.

What is it?

Boysenberry and clam juice.

It's good, drink it.

Ew, it smells awful.

Mmm!

Mmm! That's good.

Open the doors.

Open the doors?!

Open the doors.

I'll drink it.

I really will, I'll drink it.