The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Jury Story - full transcript

( women giggling )

Hey, girls, you
can't come in here.

Why?

There's a sex maniac in here.

You know, the last
time you said that

we ended up playing anagrams.

Don't remind me.

He doesn't worry me.

It wasn't my fault.

Felix wanted to try
out some new words

but there's no anagrams tonight.



Ooh, I just love this flat.

It's so much roomier than ours.

Yeah, it's always
so spotlessly clean.

What's your secret, Mr. Madison?

It's easy, I'm not allowed
to use the ashtrays.

All right, everybody
in, come on, come on.

Oh, not charades now,
what are you going to do?

Sit down, sit down.

Now girls, you want
a drink now or after?

After what?

After the 11:00 news.

The what?

11:00 news.

Girls, excuse me
a moment, will you?



I want to talk to Felix.

Felix, oh, Felix?

Felix. Felix.

Are you out of your mind?

What possible
reason could you have

for wanting to watch
the 11:00 news now?

For one thing, it's 11:00.

Felix, this may come
as a shock to you,

but I didn't lure the Pigeon
sisters here to watch the news.

I've got a reason.

What's your reason?

I can't tell you.

You can't tell me?

Girls, you don't mind if
we watch the news, do you?

Oh, no, we'd love it,
wouldn't we, Gwen?

And the embassy was surrounded

by 5,000 pacifists
who attacked guards,

broke windows and set
fire to three limousines.

That's your reason?

And now for the human
side of the news...

Released from
Sing-Sing prison today

after serving seven years
of a ten-year sentence

was the colorful underworld
figure, Leo Garvey.

Leo Garvey?

Shh-shh-shh-shh!

As you may recall,

Garvey was convicted of assault

and sentenced
after one of the most

controversial
trials of the decade.

While in prison, he
studied for the priesthood

and wrote the best
seller, God Is My Warden.

You son of a gun,
you remembered.

I knew you'd get
a kick out of that.

Do you boys really
know Leo Garvey?

Know him? Listen, if
it wasn't for that killer

Felix and I never
would have met.

Oh...

( Odd Couple theme playing )

Ooh, gosh, what a super story.

Is it really true?

Oh, yes.

Sure, it's true.

We were introduced
by a homicidal maniac.

No, no, we weren't
introduced by him.

We met because of Leo
Garvey, and he wasn't homicidal.

Well, I've heard prison life
can do strange things to men.

Well, like Uncle Ralph.

Shh.

No, no, what Felix means

is that he wasn't a killer.

He was very nasty,
but Leo wasn't a killer.

Let me explain something.

Oscar and I take
our duties as citizens

very seriously indeed, and
when this letter arrived...

Come on, will you?

We were called for jury duty.

We couldn't get out of it.

Besides, the trial
only lasted an hour.

It was an open-and-shut case.

MAN: Okay, now,
ladies and gentlemen

you've received
your instructions.

Now, select a
foreman, reach a verdict,

and in this case, it
shouldn't take you too long,

and if you should need anything,
I'll be right outside this door.

Oh, oh, dear, I meant to ask him

how many times that
prosecutor has been in prison.

No, no, not the prosecutor...

The defendant has
the prison record,

but don't worry about it.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Why did you shut
the window, buddy?

Pollen count is...

Well, it doesn't
make any difference.

We're not going to be
here that long anyway.

Why don't one of you gentleman
volunteer to be the, uh...

Shop steward?

You mean foreman?

Fore... that's it.

Oh, I knew it was
something industrial.

That's a good
idea, Mrs. Lachman.

Now who wants to be foreman?

I object.

Object to what?

We're doing this the wrong way.

The right way is that we
nominate a list of candidates

and then each candidate

makes a brief...
What's this guy's name?

Unger, Unger.

Qualifications for the job.

Then you have
the preliminary vote

narrowing the list down to two.

OSCAR: Wait a minute.

If we do it your way,
we'll be here all day.

Justice does not
punch a time clock.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that we
cannot reach a verdict

on the basis of expediency.

As well as considering
the prosecution's case

it is our duty

to be concerned with the
rights... of the defendant.

Now, the defense contends

that the accused was provoked

into the attack on his roommate.

Now, for all we know

the roommate may have
been the kind of man who...

who would drive anybody crazy.

Perhaps Mr. Unger has a point.

Maybe he'd like
to be our foreman.

Thank you, Mr. Welk.

If I were your foreman,

the first thing I would do,

would be to requisition
the testimony

of the court psychiatrist
for further study.

I believe we need to
know all we can know

about the emotional
state of the accused

at the time of
the alleged attack.

I don't want him to be foreman.

Then again,
Mr. Madison has a point.

I move we make Madison foreman.

All in favor, raise your hands.

Now, if Mr. Unger
will take a seat

we'll get on with the business.

Now, I mean, this is
not a very difficult case.

The defendant is
charged with assault.

There were eyewitnesses
to the incident.

The guy has got a
prison record that long.

He's got a history of violence.

How much more
do we have to know?

I think we can come
to a verdict right away.

Bearing in mind that justice
delayed is justice denied.

Right.

Okay, all those in favor

of voting guilty,
raise your hands.

Okay, I guess that does it.

I object.

What do you mean, you object?

I got a ball game
to catch at 2:00.

It's not quite that
simple, Mr. Madison.

This is still America, you know.

What should we do, Mr. Unger,
give the Pledge of Allegiance?

We should have a secret ballot.

( groaning )

Guilty... guilty, guilty...

and not guilty?!

Are you kidding?

What?

Why, that looks
like it's been typed.

I print neatly.

Would you mind telling us

without dragging
patriotism into it

why you think the
defendant is innocent?

I didn't say I thought
he was innocent.

You typed he was innocent.

I cannot permit us to
reach a hasty verdict.

I'm sorry, there may have
been mitigating circumstances.

He might be right, you know.

The only circumstance is that
Leo Garvey beat up this guy

and he sent him to the hospital.

That makes him guilty.

He may be right, you know?

Nevertheless, and
notwithstanding,

he may have been
provoked beyond the limits

of human endurance.

That still doesn't
give him the right

to go around being a big bully.

The law recognizes
various degrees of guilt.

And it's our job as jurors
to evaluate those degrees.

When we came into
this building today

we saw, standing
in front of the building

a beautiful statue of a woman...

deep within the
breast of every man

and every woman,

lurks the possibility
of committing

what the French call
a crime passionnel.

You have a question?

Just one.

Why are you doing this to us?

Mr. Madison, a man's freedom

is at stake here.

Unger, assuming...
assuming they let us go home

for Christmas and New Years,

when can we expect
to get out of here?

Right now.

I suggest we have
another ballot right away.

Well, now we're
getting somewhere.

Okay, everybody up.

Come on, pencils in
hand, let's go, let's go.

Guilty... guilty... guilty...

He did it again.

Oh, no.

Okay, Unger, I
hope you're satisfied.

I missed the ball game.

I won't get to see Stan Musial.

Stan Musial, which one's he?

Wait till my wife finds out

I didn't have time
to make the meatloaf

or do the shopping.

Take it easy.

They can't keep us here forever.

Yeah? ( knock at door )

Okay, folks, I guess
you're stuck here for tonight.

The court's adjourned.

Not much of a room, is it?

Well, at least it's got a TV.

Uh-uh, no TV.

No radio, and no telephone.

Why? Listen, I don't
want to discuss the case.

I just want to find out
who won the ball game.

I brought you a newspaper.

Oh, good, let me see
the sports page, will you?

Due to the nature of this case,

all references to violence
have been deleted.

Good.

Come on, will you?
Are you telling me

I'm going to be stuck
in this crummy hotel

with no telephone,
no television, no radio,

and a newspaper looks like it
was printed on Swiss cheese?

Swiss cheese? No,
you won't be alone.

We've assigned two
jurors to each room.

Good, at least I'll have
somebody to talk to.

Hi.

And here we go.

Thank you.

I think it's fascinating
that you two met on a jury.

Oh, I agree.

I mean, how many people

do you suppose
ever meet on a jury?

Twelve.

On each jury.

Now that's ancient history.

Here you go.

There, my pet is an
Oscar Madison martini.

If you like it, you can help
yourself to Oscar Madison.

GWEN: I want to hear the story.

But there's
nothing left to tell.

Oh, well, in that case,
Cessi and I better leave.

Come on, Cess.

Tell the story, Felix.

Well...

After what happened
in the jury room,

we weren't too happy

about being stuck in the
same hotel room together.

Actually, it was Oscar
who wasn't too happy.

I could get along with anybody.

Will you let me tell
the story, please?

There I was, stuck
in a hotel room

with Oliver Wendell Holmes here,

and having myself
a dreadful time.

All right, we're
stuck here together.

Now, I can get
along with anybody

but you seem to have some
sort of prejudice against me.

I'm sure you don't
intend it that way, but...

Check-out time is noon, Unger.

Get to the point, will you?

I'm merely suggesting
that we try to make

the best of a bad situation,
that's all, Mr. Madison.

You're right.

You know that, Unger?

You're absolutely
right, and I'm sorry.

You can start by cutting
out the "Mr. Madison."

You can call me Oscar.

Great, Oscar.

Now, what's your first name?

Felix.

Somehow, I kind of
sensed you were a Felix.

What business are you in, Felix?

I'm a photographer.

Hey! Children or chicks?

I don't understand.

What do you photograph?

Kids on a pony, naked girls?

Oh, no, no. No naked girls.

I'm a commercial photographer.

Oh!

Did you by any chance see

last month's edition of the
American Legion magazine?

Gee, I missed that one.

I had a picture in there.

A parade.

A parade, huh?

Fascinating.

What do you do?

Oh, I'm a sportswriter
for the Times.

( impressed ): The Times?

I did that feature article on
Sandy Koufax the other day.

Hey, listen, as far
as I'm concerned

a great prospect, right?

Well...

Tell me, who's better
than Sandy Koufax?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't know who she is.

Well, why don't we
talk about something

we both know something about?

Okay.

I'm a connoisseur of fine wines.

I'm not.

What's your favorite museum?

Cooper's Town,
Baseball Hall of Fame.

You like sports?

Very much.

What's your favorite sport?

Squash.

Let's go back to parades.

I don't suppose you know
much about opera, huh?

( door buzzer ) I'll get it.

Ah!

Bailiff, come in!

OSCAR: I'm hungry as a bear.

Well, here we are.

Good, right over here.

Let's see what we've got here.

Oh, there. There's
your rare steak,

a baked potato, fried onions,

and here is your sand
dabs, cottage cheese

and weak tea with lemon.

Enjoy your dinner.

Sand dabs?

Yup.

Oh.

Well, I guess we better
change places, huh?

No, why don't we
just switch plates.

There you go.

Oh, that's a beautiful steak.

That is really something.

Mmm. That is really something.

( whistling )

( hums happily )

Mmm.

Oh... This is a good steak, mm!

Do you always talk with
your mouth full of food?

Only when I'm eating.

Where's the butter?

On your sleeve.

Hey, you know something, Felix?

Maybe that steak
wasn't so good after all.

My stomach's upset.

You're sure it wasn't
the fried onions,

the garlic toast,
the pie a la mode,

or my leftover sand dab?

That's it. The sand dab.

What are you doing
in your pajamas?

Going to bed.

Now?

It's late.

Yeah... Oh, yeah,
it's almost 10:00.

I may turn into a pumpkin.

Doctor says I should
get plenty of sleep,

considering my condition.

What's your condition?

I'm a hypochondriac.

Well, look, we could still
play cards for two hours

and get to bed before midnight.

I can't.

Look... we'll knock
it off at 11:00.

How's that?

No.

One fast hand of poker.

Takes too long.

Oh, I'll cut you for a buck.

All right, just once.

You go first.

Three.

Tough luck, Felix.

Thanks a lot.

One more time. Look,
you're not the kind of guy

wouldn't give a man a
chance to get even, are you?

I said just once.

Wow.

Whew!

( moans softly )

( grumbling )

( softly ): I needed
this, I'll tell you that.

All right.

Aren't you going to
put on your pajamas?

These are my pajamas.

Do you always go to bed

with a cigar in your mouth?

I'm lonesome.

I'm never going to be able

to go to sleep this early.

Yes, you are.

Just close your eyes and relax.

Good night.

Good night.

( sighs )

( spraying )

( sniffling )

What was that noise?

( congested ): My sinuses.

( blowing nose )

Finished?

Good night.

( loud, honking moan )

( loud, honking moan )

What are you doing?

Clearing my ears.

I thought it was your sinuses.

It was, but I tried
so hard to clear them

that I stuffed up my ears.

( honking moan )

Finished or do you have to
do something to your eyes?

Good night.

What are you doing to now?

I forgot my nerve medicine.

10:00 in bed.

Sand dabs and sinuses.

Nerve medicine.

I don't believe it.

You know, I never knew a guy

who hung his socks
on a hanger before.

I mean, what kind of
a person does that?

A neat person.

Yeah? Maybe a weird person.

I didn't ask to be locked
in this room with you.

Okay.

Okay, the last crack
wasn't called for,

but you're not
the easiest person

to share a room with, you know?

Aren't you going to apologize?

Okay, I apologize.

It's too late for that now.

Hey... you look
worn out, Madison.

Didn't you sleep
well last night?

It's Unger.

First he opens a window to let

all the fresh air in, see?

Then, at 3:00 in the
morning, the alarm goes off.

What for?

So he could take Vitamin C

in case he catches cold

from all the fresh
air he let come in.

You know the guy hangs
his socks on a hanger?

Really? Yeah.

Don't you think that's
a little, uh, strange?

Yeah, especially at
3:00 in the morning,

to see two socks on a hanger.

I thought they were snakes.

That guy's a troublemaker.

He's keeping us here,

and I'm losing
money because of it.

I'd like to punch him
right in the mouth.

I mean, if that's what
everyone else would like.

Yeah, that lousy Unger.

Which one's Unger?

I got to get out of here.

All right, folks,

everybody sit down, come on.

Look, I know we've
tried this before

but we got to try it
one more time, okay?

Now, we all agree
that Leo Garvey is guilty

of beating up his friend, now...

I object. Of course he objects.

Why wouldn't he?
What is it this time?

A man is presumed
innocent until proven guilty.

Thank you, Mr. Unger,
for pointing that out to us.

Okay, the alleged Leo Garvey

allegedly beat up
his alleged friend

with his alleged fist

and he sent him to
the alleged hospital!

Now, as 12 responsible citizens,

it is our duty to put
that animal behind bars

where he belongs.

I object.

Object, sure, what
now, you object?

We have no right

to put that animal behind bars

until we know exactly
what triggered the attack.

I implore you, ladies
and gentlemen,

read the transcript
of the trial!

Let's sleep on it

before we come
to a final decision.

Oh, good! We get to stay
in the hotel another night.

I love room service.

Oh, no, no, Mrs. Lachman,
we're not staying another night,

we're not staying
here five minutes.

I don't know why I
didn't realize it before,

but Mr. Unger is right.

He has convinced me

that Leo Garvey is innocent.

The same thing
just occurred to me.

Me, too.

Good! All in favor
raise your hands.

Can't accept that.

He can't accept it.
Why would he accept it?

What is it?

You all voted not guilty

but you did so for
the wrong reasons.

You only did it because...
You're telling me

that I voted not guilty
for the wrong reasons?

Not only you, Mr. Moss,
but everyone in this room...

Listen, you idiot, while
you've been giving

everybody a lesson in civics,

I've got a plumbing business...

Mr. Moss, something's
rubbing you the wrong way.

You're rubbing me the wrong way!

Hit him, hit him!

SEVERAL: No, no, no.

You're driving us out
of our minds, Unger,

you and your rules
and regulations

and your socks on a hanger.

Well, I'm going to punch
you right in the nose.

OSCAR: Whoa, whoa, come on!

Hold it, whoa, lay off.

What is this? Sit down.

Come on, now,
everybody sit down.

You, too, Mr. Unger, come on.

What, what is it?

Do you realize what we're doing?

I was going to punch
him in the mouth,

that's what I was doing.

Don't you see?

Unger was right!

He's a miserable,
picky, irritating person,

but he's right.

We're doing exactly what
Leo Garvey is accused of doing.

That's right!

Isn't it?

Don't you see?

Unger has proven
there are circumstances

under which a normal,
law-abiding citizen

will become violent.

Yes! That's what I meant

by mitigating circumstances.

Shut up. You made
your point, don't push it.

Okay, now in light

of what we've learned about
ourselves and of human nature,

I'm ready to vote not guilty.

All those in favor,
raise your hands.

Okay, Garvey is innocent.

Now, which one was
Leo Garvey again?

Bailiff!

Tell the judge we're ready.

Oscar.

Yeah?

I'd like to thank you

for bringing the
others to their senses.

Don't mention it.

Incidentally, I took the liberty

of putting the top back
on your toothpaste.

It was running all
over your shaving kit.

Thank you, Felix.

Don't mention it, Oscar.

Thank you.

And that's how we met and
became such good friends.

Okay, finished. Anybody
else want a drink?

Wait a minute.

All you've described
is ill feeling.

How did you really
become friends?

We still had three
more weeks' jury duty.

After a while, Felix
gets to grow on you.

And he's not so bad.

You have to dust
him off now and then.

But didn't you just say

that Leo Garvey
was acquitted? Yeah.

But then why is he
getting out of prison?

I mean, don't you
have to go to prison

to get out of prison?

Leo Garvey did go to prison.

Yeah. Tell them
why, Felix, go ahead.

After we acquitted him,
court was adjourned,

he got in the elevator
to go downstairs

and he was stuck in
the elevator two hours.

Yeah, and tell them what he did
when he got out of the elevator.

Nah, nah... Go ahead, tell them.

Will you tell them? Come on.

He went berserk and
he attacked his rescuers

and he put them in
the hospital for weeks.

Oh, now, hold on.

I mean, how can being
stuck alone in an elevator

for two hours drive
anyone cuckoo?

Well, he wasn't exactly alone.

Ahh.

Felix was stuck
in there with him.

( laughs )

( chuckles )