The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 3 - Felix Gets Sick - full transcript

( siren wailing )

18 minutes from Kennedy
International Airport to here.

Wow, I can't thank
you enough, Murray.

I think my next car is
gonna be a police car.

What are you waiting for, a tip?

You can put down the bags.

I want to hear
more about that girl

you met at the airport,
you know? I'll tell you.

And I didn't meet
her at the airport.

I met her on an airplane.

Ah!



They were showing
a G-rated film,

but the stewardess
was strictly, definite X.

Want a beer?

While I'm on duty? Uh-uh.

So you got a date

with this X-rated
stewardess, or what?

What do you mean, "or what?"

She loves me!

All right, I think she likes me

well enough to go out with me.

Tonight, after dinner,
she'll be crazy about me.

You want to know
what the best part is?

Oscar, I'm 38 years old.

Of course, I know
what the best part is.



I mean about my life.

This is my first weekend
I've had off in months.

And you know the
really best part?!

Felix is in Washington
for the whole weekend.

What's he doing, cleaning
up the mess down there?

No, he's doing a magazine
layout till Monday. Come on.

Hey, and you've got a date
with an airline stewardess?

Now do you read me?

Hey, like a Danish magazine.

18 Minutes.

Thanks again, Murray.

Ha-ha, forget it.

Hey! Listen, have a fun weekend.

Don't worry, I will.

♪ Run away on an airline ♪

♪ La-da-dee-la-da-dum ♪

♪ La-da-dee-dee-dum-la ♪

Oscar? ♪ La-dee-dum-da... ♪

Oscar?

Felix?

( groans )

You're supposed
to be in Washington.

I know.

I got sick over Baltimore.

I took the next flight back.

Felix, don't tell me.

It's one of those
48-hour things.

48 hours?

That's a whole weekend!

( The Odd Couple theme playing )

Okay, now, the
shopping's been done,

the beds have been changed,

your medicine is
being delivered.

Here's your water.

The phone has been connected.

Here you are, there's cards

here are books, there's
the paper, magazines,

everything is here.

You're welcome. Hmm-mm.

I hope you're feeling better.

But don't wait up for
me, or down for me,

or whatever one does when
one is waiting flat on one's back.

Oscar, you're not going out
and leaving me in my condition?

I'm thinking about my condition.

I think I'm running
a temperature.

Ah, me, too, Felix, me, too.

Maybe you have the flu, too.

No, what I have, Felix,

is a terrible desire
to touch a lady!

( humming )

And, hopefully, Barbara
has a cure for that.

Barbara?

Barbara Phipps, the
stewardess, remember?

Ah, yes.

Take it easy, Felix.

Oscar? Now what?

I can't read this thing.

See if you can read
it for me, please.

Hey, you are warm.

What?

What have I got, 102? 103?

It's not 104, is it?

104 is fatal. It's
not that, is it?

It's only fatal for me.

You did it to me, huh?

What, what? What's the matter?

What do you mean
what's the matter?

I can't go out and
leave you alone

with a temperature like this.

What about Barbara?

Felix, don't play
devil's advocate.

Oscar, why don't you
bring Barbara here?

Hey, that's a
great kind of date.

Why don't you come over and
take my friend's temperature.

She'll never know I'm here.

Felix, if I did that,

would you really be quiet?

I cross my sinuses.

I mean, what have I got to lose?

Oh, but, Felix, if
you mess this up...

( sneezes violently )

( humming )

( door buzzer )

You know it, don't you?

( humming )

( sneezes )

Bless you!

Oscar, who is it?

You'll be the first to know!

Put it on Unger's bill,

take a half a buck for yourself.

Oscar, who is it?

Your medicine!

( door buzzer )

( humming )

Ooh, Chicken Delicious!

Keep the rest for yourself.

Thank you very much.

( whiny ): Oscar.

( bellows ): What?!

Who was it?

Chicken Delicious, will ya?

You're not going to serve

Chicken Delicious for dinner?

No, I keep it in trunks.

I like to count the golden
pieces late at night.

What do you think
I'm going to do with it?

It certainly isn't
very romantic.

Felix, food isn't romance.

It's only an excuse for romance.

( door buzzer )

There she is.

Felix, if our friendship

means anything at all to you

keep your mouth shut.

Don't worry.

Okay.

( sneezes loudly )

( in low voice ): Bless you.

Hi.

Hi there, funny face.

How'd you like to come in
here and get caught in my web?

( laughs )

Let's see what treasures lurk

beneath that pretty wrapping.

Oscar, you don't have
to do that. Do what?

Play those games.

You know, like on the
plane when you asked me

to fasten your seat belt

while you were
still standing up.

And when you asked me
what "occupado" meant.

You don't have to do
corny things like that.

I don't?

Oscar, I'm here
because I like you.

Okay?

Oh boy, is that okay!

Can I have your coat?

Wow, what a groovy apartment.

Mind if I look around?

No, go ahead.

Stewardess!

That's a closet.

It must be huge.

Oh, yea... oh!

Barbara, that perfume!

You're doing it again.

Sniffing your perfume?

Playing games.

The perfume has
nothing to do with it.

What counts is that you're a man

and I'm a woman.

( whistles )

Oh, boy, is that what counts!

Barbara, you're a
really open, honest girl.

That's right, so why
don't we both be honest?

Yeah, right.

Can I really be honest
with you, Barbara?

Really honest? Uh-huh.

Okay, rather than
stand here by the closet,

I'd rather be sitting
with you on the couch.

Is that, honest, like you
mean, you know, honest?

Honest. Okay.

( sneezes )

What's the matter?

I can't believe it.

We haven't even had
the Chicken Delicious yet.

Oscar,

if a man and a woman
are open and honest

with each other, they don't
need Chicken Delicious.

Wow.

That's just about the greatest
thing a woman ever said to me.

( sneezes loudly )

What was that?

Uh, that's a...

Russian Wolfhound
that lives upstairs.

( sneezes again )

Sneezing.

Felix, quiet!

Now you were saying,
about being honest?

Uh...

That two people should
be up front with each other.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Let's be up front.

( muffled sneeze )

( violent, abbreviated sneeze )

Felix!

( whispers ): Oscar,

are you sure that
came from up there?

Yeah.

I'm positive.

In the army they trained
me to locate sneezes.

( a dainty sneeze )

( hushed ): Oscar,

that didn't come from up there.

That came from in that closet.

Don't be silly.

What would a Russian wolfhound

be doing in my closet?

It sounded like it
came from in there.

Ah, you know why it sounded?

'Cause you're flying around
a lot, your ears probably...

All right, all right.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

I'll check out the
closet for you.

Excuse me.

There's no Russian
wolfhound in there.

It's upstairs.

( mumbling )

Felix, what are you doing to me?

I was nice to you...
I did the laundry,

the cleaning, the shopping...

But now you won't
give me a break.

( feebly ): I can't help it.

You're not helping it.

You're sneezing
me into the sewer!

She's wearing a perfume
that I'm allergic to.

My sinuses are killing me.

I may beat them to it.

Take an allergy pill.

I did. They take
a while to work.

Take two, take a sleeping pill.

Go to sleep, but don't snore.

What if I have to
go to the bathroom?

Don't.

Hi.

Excuse me.

Well?

Well, what?

What about the noise?

What noise? Oh!

Oh, that was the
Russian wolfhound.

It was upstairs.

Are you sure?

Would I lie to you?

Well...

Look, let's go back
to being up front.

Honest?

Honest.

Yeah?

There's somebody here.

I told you, nobody's
in the closet.

Not, not in the closet.

In here.

Barbara, I'd like you
to meet Felix Unger.

Felix, this is Barbara.

Hi. Hi.

Don't mind me; just
pretend I'm not here.

Oh, I can do better than that.

You left my medicine in here.

I didn't want to disturb you.

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Felix.

Felix, do me a favor.

Don't commit suicide
while I'm gone.

Save some for me.

Oh, no.

Barbara!

( whistles )

Maybe I really
will kill him now.

Ah, you won't kill him, you
won't even throw him out.

You could throw him out,
but you won't throw him out,

because you dig pain,
because you're a masochist.

Oh, boy.

BARBARA: There now, how's that?

Let Barbara do that.

Look at this.

I thought you'd left.

No!

Ah. Thanks.

I was in the kitchen.

He needed water
for his medicine.

Oscar, you weren't
honest with me about Felix.

You should have told me

your roommate was in here sick.

Oh, he's not really sick.

See, he's allergic
to your perfume.

No, turns out I'm not.

I think it must be
your new cologne...

( begins to sneeze )

( suppresses sneeze )

Oscar... ( groans )

Oscar?

( groans )

Oh, now wait a minute!

( sneezes )

( softly ): Oscar.

I know, I know.

Aah!

( thunderclap )

FELIX ( weakly ): Oscar...

Oscar...

Oscar.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't intend to ruin
your whole weekend.

It's not my fault it's raining.

Felix, the rain didn't
ruin my weekend.

It's not like a complete loss.

You've got...

You've got another
date with Barbara tonight.

That's tonight.

Today I have you and
the rain and your coughing.

Well, is there something
you want to do now?

Yeah.

But it's got to look
like an accident.

You don't happen
to have a cigar?

What would you have...

FELIX: I thought you wanted
something to do, that's all.

Like what?

You could change the
paper on the kitchen shelves.

Maybe I won't bother
making it look like an accident.

What?

What are you doing in there?

( thundering )

I'm cleaning up!

Want to play some gin?

You know I don't like
to play gin with you.

You're always tidying
up the discard pile.

You drive me crazy.

Why don't you call the
fellas for a poker game?

Because it's Sunday, that's why.

And all the guys are married.

And on Sunday,
when you're married,

you're married most
of all on Sunday.

Even if their wives
would let them

come out and play poker

who would be crazy enough
to come out in this rain?

FELIX: Who is that?

Oscar! Who is it?

Who else? Didn't
even have to call him.

Just started counting
out stacks of chips.

Hello, Speed.

Hello, Felix.

Are you telling me
your wife let you out?

Are you kidding? I dropped
her off at her mothers.

She thinks I'm looking
for a place to park.

Come on, sit down, let's play.

I knew I wouldn't be the first.

Hey, look who's here!

Who's that... Murray?
Is that you, Murray?

No, it's not Murray!
Do I sound like Murray?

It's Roy!

Roy, how'd you get out, Roy?

Roy, never mind that,
come on, sit down, let's play.

I'm losing money.

How is he?

I'm afraid he'll pull through.

Hi, men.

Murray! What do
you say, Hey! Murray?

Who's that? Who just came in?

Murray just came in!

Man, all this yelling.

It's like I stayed with
my wife and her mother.

Hi, Felix! How are you?

Hi, Murray... terrible.

Hey, Murray... what
are you doing here?

You're supposed to be on duty.

Yeah, I'm still on
duty... This is a raid.

Will you sit down...
No, I'm serious.

Listen, you call me
up for a poker game

while I'm on duty, right?

I got to tell the sergeant
something to get away.

All right, look.
We've got four men.

We've got poker
chips, we got cards.

It's obvious.

We're all here
visiting a sick friend.

Well, so much for duty.

I think it's a great idea to
have an impromptu game

on a Sunday.

I think it's a great
idea any day.

( Felix sneezes loudly )

What was that?

That is a Russian
wolfhound who lives upstairs.

Listen to me, talking about...

I still believe it.

It's Felix.

Gesundheit, Felix!

Oscar...

What happened with the airline
stewardess last night, huh?

Please, Murray... but she
just called a little while ago.

Hey, who can open, huh?

She called you?

To find out how he was.

But I convinced her to
have dinner with me tonight.

Murray, can you open?

Who can open, huh?

Speed, nobody can open

because you didn't
deal out the cards yet.

Ante up.

Fellas... Fellas!

Hold it, hold it.

What is it, Felix?

Could you play a little louder?

If I can hear you

it's almost like
I'm playing, too.

Oh, gee... I think that's sad.

It's disgusting...
but play louder.

Does the whole neighborhood
have to know I'm losing?

Who's it up to?

Louder, Speed.

Who's it up to?!

How's that, Felix?!

Fine.

I bet half a dollar!

I'm out!

Wouldn't you know it... I'm out!

I'm out, too!

I see you

and I raise you half a dollar!

ROY: There's mine,
and that's my bet, too!

Who raised?

I did!

I'm seeing you!

Aces and fours!

No good! Three sixes!

Oh!

Fellas!

Now what?

I hate to be a bother, but...

could you identify
yourselves by name

when you make a play?

This is Speed... going home!

Oh, sit down.

All this yelling, man.

Listen, if I wanted to yodel

I'd spend Sunday
afternoon in Switzerland.

Yeah, Speed is right.

I'm getting hoarse!

I mean, I never yelled at
anyone in my whole life!

Forget the yelling.

Yeah! But what about...!

I mean what about Felix?

( quietly ): Fellas, come here.

I got an idea. Look...

Is everybody in?

Hold it, hold it.

Come on, now who
anteed a seltzer tablet?

No wonder it didn't fizz.

He put a poker
chip in his glass.

But it stopped my headache.

I'm playing poker...

They're making headache
commercials, come on!

I bet half a dollar.

You I didn't have to hear from.

I'm out.

Wow, look at that Oscar.

How much you ahead?

For once I ain't counting,
Copper. It's a jinx.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

You want any cards?

No, I'll play these
little lovelies right here.

All right, give me two cards

and I'll check to Mr. Lucky.

Here's a dollar's bet.

What's the matter?

My foot. What's the
matter with your foot?

Got a cramp in it.

All right, hold
it just a second.

Somebody's got
a cramp, let's go.

Here, I'll massage it.

Hold on a second.

Come on, the man's
got a bad foot here.

Here, bite on a poker chip.

Will you hurry up and bet?

The guy's got a bad leg!

Will you... wait!

No... Felix!

( groaning )

Oscar... oh.

Oh... what can I say?

I didn't mean to
spoil your weekend.

You didn't spoil
my weekend, Felix.

You destroyed it.

There's a difference.

Well, the weekend
isn't over yet.

Yeah, and I'm going to make
the best of the last few hours.

I'm taking Barbara to
dinner at the Gypsy Trader.

So please, if anything
should happen

don't call me and
don't wait up for me.

Oscar... No!

Oscar, listen to me.

I know I exaggerate.

I am a hypochondriac.

But if anything should...

No, I'm not staying home, Felix.

I don't want you to.

All I'm saying is, if
you should come back

and I should be...

Well, will you at least see
that I get a decent funeral?

What kind of a
thing is that to say?

Well, you've got this habit
of letting everything lie

right where it falls.

( music stops, applause )

Hey, they're great...

Penny for your thoughts.

Did you make sure he took
his medicine before you left?

Give me back my penny.

Oh, Oscar, you know he's
that helpless kind of person

you can't get out of your mind.

Your mind and my life.

What was his temperature...?

I don't want to
talk about Felix.

Did he eat any dinner?

Look, I'll tell
you what I'll do.

I'll make a phone call to
Felix. I'll get get a full report.

Either we'll rush
him to the hospital

or we'll forget about
him and relax, okay?

That's sweet.

Yeah, I'm a very sweet man.

Sascha, come here.

Listen, with dinner
I want champagne.

Get the violins over there.

Very romantic, you got it?

( mutters )

Felix?

You're feeling better!

Good, I'll tell her! Yeah!

Hi.

Where's Barbara?

On her way to
Kennedy International.

Her airline called,
they had our number.

It was an emergency.

I tried to call here,

but the phone was out of order.

It took me ten
minutes in this rain

with my cold,

to get a cab, for three dollars

to come here.

She was so grateful

for all the trouble
I went through

to get the message to her.

You shouldn't have, Felix.

Oh, it's all right.

My fever broke.

I'm beginning to feel better.

No, I don't mean
"You shouldn't have."

I mean you shouldn't have!

( playing romantic music )

I think you'll find
this amusing.

( sighing )

Oscar.

Hi, Felix.

Mary Ann Black,
this is Oscar Madison.

Oscar Madison, Mary Ann Black.

Nice meeting you.

Hello.

I thought you weren't
coming back till later.

I wasn't, but I think
I caught your bug.

( sniffling )

Oh, no, oh, no... Yes, I...

Well, there's only one
thing for it... hot tea.

Come on, into the kitchen.
What can I say, Mary Ann?

Oscar's sick.
Don't worry, Felix.

I understand.

Felix... I'm sorry, Mary Ann.

Come on, into the kitchen. Move!

You're sending her home?
Well, somebody's got to

take care of you. You don't
have enough sense to...

No, I'm sorry,
Felix, it's just a gag.

See, I'm not sick,
it's a bad joke.

You know the trouble with you?

You don't give a guy a
chance to get revenge.

I'm sorry, look, go
back to your date.

Have a good time.

I'm sorry, I'm not sick.
It's nice meeting you.

I'm going to catch
a movie, okay?

I don't have a cold, I'm sorry.

Oscar! What?

Button your coat.

Sit down, my dear.