The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Fight of the Felix - full transcript

What time will you
be home for dinner?

I don't know.

Man, it's hot.

Really? I'm kind of chilly.

About dinner...
What's so important

about what time I
come home for dinner?

You know, tonight I'm
preparing Beef Wellington.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'd like you home by 7:00.

Okay, I'll be home around 7:00.

Not "around," at 7:00.



I've been planning
this meal for a week.

Beef Wellington isn't something
you just throw together.

All right, Felix, I promise,
at 7:00, you'll see me

sitting at the dinner table

with a knife and
fork in my hand.

FELIX: Hello. Mr. Oscar
Madison, please.

When did he leave?

Did he say anything
to you before he left?

Besides "good night."

Well, he could
have said something.

I know you've got your work
to do, but this is important.

Did he happen to say
anything about Beef Wellington?

( receiver clicks )

( door opens )



Oscar?

Yeah?

Where have you been?

My dinner's ruined.

Felix, will you leave me alone?

Oscar, how many times
do I have to tell you?

The closet is for coats,
the floor is for feet.

Hmm?

If you think I'm
going to pick this up...

Oh, Felix, will you bug off?!

Bug off?

Oh, that's nice talk.

"Felix, bug off."

You know, the trouble with you

is that you can't face
up to your own faults.

( door slams )

Oscar, we've got
to talk this thing out.

Oscar?

Oscar, I'm trying to
communicate with you.

Something I've done?

What have I done?

Because I cleaned
those sandwhiches

out from under your bed?

Oscar.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

Tell me what happened.

What does it look like happened?

I think you've been fighting.

Well, I haven't been fighting.

The guy who hit me was fighting.

I was on the ground groaning.

You were in a
common street brawl?

I was not in a street brawl,

it was in a bar.

Now will you leave me alone?

Don't I have a right to know?

My eye and Splint
McCullough's fist had a collision

at the Sports
Page Bar and Grill.

Splint McCullough...
the hockey player?

No, Splint McCullough
the doily maker.

Oh, make fun of me, Oscar,

because I don't understand
anything about hockey.

But I remember that his
name was in your column.

Hmm... Well, he's one of those

rough and tough hockey players.

He's been around forever.

He spends half his
life in the penalty box

because he keeps
hitting the other players

over the head with his stick.

Do you understand
that much? Yes.

Well, Felix, I am
going to bury him

with these two
hands... Oh, Oscar.

In my column.

I'm gonna write an expose
on Splint McCullough

that's gonna make him wish

he had gone into figure skating.

Oscar, you can't do that
That's unprofessional.

That's yellow journalism.

No, no, Felix, that's
revenge journalism.

Revenge is wrong.

Wrong, maybe, but oh, so sweet.

If you write an
inflammatory column

he'll only hit you again.

And then you'll write
another inflammatory column

and again he'll hit you, and
that's the way wars begin.

Don't worry, Felix,
if that happens,

I'll see you make
it safely to Canada.

Oh, that's funny.

You think it's right
to crucify a man

if he hits you fair and square?

Whose side are you on?

A big, professional
hockey player

hits a little writer... you
call that fair and square?

That's not the point. Felix.

Now, I may not be able to
handle Splint McCullough,

but you I'm not too worried
about, so leave me alone.

( typing )

"The rumors keep flying
that Splint McCullough

"will be shipped
down to the minors.

"One of his teammates
summed it up best:

"'McCullough
couldn't score a goal

if his grandmother
was guarding the net.'"

( typing )

"The only time Splint McCullough

feels comfortable with ice
is when it's in his booze."

( indistinct conversations )

Excuse me.

Do you know if Splint
McCullough is still here?

Right over there.

You should use coasters.

Excuse me, are you
Splint McCullough?

Yup, you a fan?

Here's an autographed puck.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

May I talk to you for a minute?

If it'll give you a thrill.

I'm a friend of Oscar Madison's.

He a fan, too?

No, no, he's the
gentleman you hit.

Oh, the sportswriter, huh?

Who are you?

I'm Felix Unger.

I'm a good friend
of Mr. Madison's

and I was wondering

if you could tell me
in your own words

exactly what happened.

I hit him in the eye,
that's what happened.

Yeah, I know, but why?

We were sitting here talking,

drinking, having a good time

and your buddy
made a pass at Irma.

Who's Irma?

I'm Irma, hi.

Hi, pleased to meet you.

Ooh, likewise.

Normally I'm an easygoing guy.

I don't get mad because
they make me sit

in the penalty box
most of the time,

I don't even get mad

because they don't ask me
to do any TV commercials,

but I do get mad when somebody

messes around with my girl.

FELIX: I can understand that,

but don't you feel
that two grown men...

Madison said he
was gonna get me.

What are you, the revenge?

Me? Oh, no.

'Cause if you are, we
can step out the back

and straighten it out right now.

I may be many things,
but I'm not a street brawler.

Well, that ain't no street
out there, that's an alley.

I have no quarrel
with you, and if I did

I certainly wouldn't
settle it in an alley.

Splinty?

As long as you're up

how about getting me a beer?

Sure, honey. What
would you like?

A big head or a little head?

Surprise me.

You know, I just feel terrible.

This whole thing that
happened... my fault.

You see, sometimes Splint

doesn't pay enough
attention to me.

So I have to do... stuff

to make him take notice.

I figured your friend Oscar
could make Splint jealous,

so then he'd pay
more attention to me.

See?

Why, that's horrible.

The first lesson you learn
in a relationship is honesty.

I'm surprised at you.

You are?

Yes.

You're a lady.

All any lady has to do

is be her feminine self.

No man can resist that.

You really think I'm a lady?

Yes.

You are a beautiful person.

All right, buddy, that did it.

I was just telling her...

You weren't telling,
you were kissing.

Madison only
touched, but you kissed.

She was kissing me.

It was a "thank you"
kiss. Out the back...

Madison already softened
the ground for you.

I'm not going out
in the back with you.

What, are you chicken?

He's not a chicken, he's
a very beautiful person.

Anybody don't go
out back is a chicken.

That's a stupid assumption.

You're calling me stupid, huh?

I'm calling your
assumption stupid.

What's an assumption?

Look, I didn't come
in here to fight.

Well, that's the way
you're going out.

Don't you shove me!

Are you going to go out the back

or do I punch you out here?

Now you've done it.

I haven't done nothing yet.

You broke my watch crystal
and you're going to pay for it.

That'll be four dollars.

What are you talking about?

It would be $8.00 new
but I've had it for a year.

Besides, I got it wholesale.

Got this friend in
the crystal business...

Will you quit stalling
and get out the back?

All right, I'll fight you,

but I'll fight you
in a civilized way.

All right, I promise

not to hit you with
any garbage cans.

I mean in a proper,
prizefighting ring.

A what?

A ring with a mat
and ropes and rounds,

the way gentlemen
beat each other up.

Well, that's fine with me.

But, Splinty, he didn't mean...

You stay out of this, Irma.

Fine, you get a pair of gloves

and you meet me
tomorrow afternoon

at Feldman's Gym at 3:00.

I'll be there.

Excuse me.

Hiya, Felix.

Hey, have some unbaked Alaska.

No, thank you.

I hope you finished your
hate article on Mr. McCullough.

No, I got as far as
calling Peggy Fleming

a better hockey
player than he is.

I got off some bad puns

about how McCullough
stinks on ice.

Why should I waste my
talent on that big moose?

Besides, who needs
a broken nose?

Nobody, but some of us
might have to chance it.

What do you mean by that?

While you were here
cooling off I went down

to the Sports Page Bar and
Grillto speak to Mr. McCullough.

Did you see him?

Certainly, I... Did
you turn off the oven?

I didn't even know it was on.

That's the end of
the beef Wellington.

Never mind the Beef Wellingotn.

Why did you see
Splint McCullough?

What did you do?

I've been gone an
hour and ten minutes.

Weren't you even aware of it?

Well, I managed to amuse myself.

Now why did you go to
see Splint McCullough?

Why?

To keep you from
cheapening yourself

by writing a biased column

that's beneath your
dignity, that's why.

Will you give me
that glove, please?

You actually did that for me?

That's what friends are for.

Oh, ah, oh, will you look?

What happened?

Ruined, it's garbage,
nothing salvageable.

What happened?

Eight dollars and 34 cents.

Felix, what happened?

First, he gave me

an autographed hockey puck.

Then?

Then he went to
the bar to get a drink

and he left me
alone with his girl.

Oh, boy.

Then I made the
mistake of telling her

I thought she was a
lady and she liked that

and she kissed me.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Mr. McCullough witnessed this.

And?

Broke my watch crystal.

Is that all he broke?

Felix, that's a relief.

You know what he
could have done to you?

That was a wonderful gesture,
but you shouldn't have done it.

He could have taken
you out in the back alley,

he could have murdered you.

He suggested that.

I thought it would
be more gentlemanly

to challenge him
to a boxing match.

We're meeting tomorrow
afternoon at Feldman's Gym.

Is that a clean place?

Is it decent? Is it
nice? Is it well-kept?

Felix, will you
stop putting me on?

I'm not putting you one. When
have I ever put anybody on?

You're not putting me on.

You're going to get in
the ring with that gorilla.

You know he's made out of iron.

He'll pulverize
you. You can't do it.

Will you look at that?

Never mind that!

You know he's gonna kill you.

It's a matter of honor. Good.

The funeral will
be in your honor.

This is my fight,
it's not your fight.

It's my fight now.

Ahh, now I see it all.

You're doing this to punish me.

You're going to get
McCullough to kill you

so I'll feel guilty, right?

False, it's not even logical.

Never mind logic.

If you're not trying
to make me feel guilty

why are you trying
to commit suicide?

Don't feel guilty. I can
take care of myself.

In the kitchen you can
take care of yourself.

You can't box
wearing oven mitts.

You don't have to tell
me anything about boxing.

Somebody better.

Come with me, my boy.

I want to show you something.

Wipe your feet.

What makes you
think you can last

even three seconds in a
ring with Splint McCullough?

You'll see. Not on the bed.

You're the only person I know

who hangs up his clothes
in alphabetical order.

Now, what do you
think this means?

It means either you're crazy
or you're challenging me

to a game of easy-over
red-hot peppers.

Why do you suppose
I have these along?

Keep you from biting
your fingernails?

You didn't know that I was
middleweight boxing champion

of the Harvard School
of Business, huh?

Hey, that is you, Felix.

Sure it is.

Who's this skinny
guy with the glasses?

That's the former champ.

One of the toughest notary
publics who ever lived.

Hey, you even got medals.

Why did you give it up?

I changed my major to fine arts.

Drama students are a lot tougher

than notary publics, you know.

I guess this proves to you
I can take care of myself.

Felix, all it proves
is thaat 20 years ago

you beat up a couple
of skinny C.P.A.s.

I can't let you do it.

The matter is out of your hands.

I know what I'm doing.

Felix, Splint McCullough
didn't get this far in hockey

because of his good manners.

And he's still a hockey
player, not a boxer.

You take away his ice
skates and his hockey stick

and what have you got?

An unarmed homicidal maniac.

Wrong, he's a clumsy lummox

and no match for a
master of self-defense.

I still feel guilty.

( cracking )

( wailing )

Ouch, my trick back.

Oh, boy, do I feel guilty.

OSCAR: You really
like jogging, don't you?

FELIX: Well, I started
when I was married to Gloria.

Kept it up, you
know, ever since.

I used to jog hen I was married.

Yeah? Yeah.

Just to get out of the house.

Hey, Oscar?

Oscar?!

Hey, Oscar, where'd you go?

Now I remember the real reason
why I gave up boxing... yuck.

Felix, if they can't
unpollute the air in the cities

how do you expect
them to do it in a gym?

You sure you want to
go through with this?

You doubt me, don't you?

Felix, anybody who brings
a shower cap to a gym

doesn't exactly
inspire confidence.

I'm susceptible to head colds.

Why did you bring
towels... They furnish towels.

And who knows who's
been using them?

Sweaty men... it's a gym, Felix.

It's not a health resort.

And I'm a trained pugilist,
not a street brawler.

All right, go into your dressing
room, set up housekeeping.

I wonder if you can
catch athlete's foot

through your shoes.

Yeah, I got to do something.

Oscar!

Hi, remember me?

Well, you make it kind of hard

to forget you, sweetheart.

Hiya, Splint, old pal.

I don't like you, Madison.

I'm not exactly very
crazy about you, but listen,

I want to make a deal with you.

Yeah, what kind of deal?

You call this crazy thing off

and I'll do an article on
you that will make you

the Willie Mays of the
National Hockey League.

What do you say?

No, I got to clobber
the little punk.

My dignity's at stake.

My friend's life is at stake.

He's right, Splint.

If you clobber him, you
can say good-bye to me.

You're kidding again, huh, Irma?

No, I just can't take
any more of this.

If you hit him, I'm
going back to Lou.

Oh!

Another man? You're
going to drive him crazy.

No, Lou is my mother.

She lives in Sioux city.

Irma...

Irma, you really wouldn't
leave me, would you?

I have to do what I have to do.

Come on, Splint, call it off.

You don't want to
lose this beautiful lady.

Lady... that's the
second time this week

someone's called me that.

Please, Splinty, come on.

Hmm?

All right.

I won't clobber the little punk.

Thata-boy!

I'm ready.

You can get dressed,
Felix, the fight's off.

Yeah, Splint's not
going to hit you.

Well, I'm glad he's
finally come to his senses.

Congratulations.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

The apology.

Apology?

The apology... and four dollars.

Now, you hold it.

Splint McCullough don't
apologize to nobody.

Yes, he does.

Felix, this is not
some skinny C.P.A.

This is Splint McCullough.

I don't care who it is.

Everybody's willing to
forget it. Are you crazy?

I'm not willing to forget it.

The man owes me an apology.

The man owes you a fist.

This is getting us nowhere.

I tried, didn't I, Irma?
Get in the ring, you.

Oh, Splinty.

Hold it... this doesn't look
like a regulation-size ring.

Who cares?

Will you stand still
so I can hit you?

I care... the size of the ring
affects my timing and foot work.

Felix, will you... Don't say it!

If you want to help me, fine.

Otherwise, you're free to leave.

Five 50-pound weights,
50 ten-pound weights

and 10 five-pound weights.

I don't know, somebody
walked off with them.

A big guy.

Mr. Feldman, is that
a regulation-size ring?

You kidding? I had a litte
extra room so I put up ropes.

Yeah, he says it's
a regulation ring.

Now can I punch you?

Just a minute, where's the bell?

Where's the timekeeper?

I'll just stand here.

I'll say, "round
one, round two."

Oscar, we're
going to do this right

or we're not
going to do it at all.

No, no, not five
ten-pound weights.

50 Ten-pound weights
and 10 five-pound weights.

Mr. Feldman, we need
a timekeeper and a bell.

Why don't you just stand there

and go, "round one, round two...

TOGETHER: "Ding-ding."

We want to make
it official, see?

Okay, here's your
official timekeeper

and here's your official bell.

( blowing whistle )

Okay, let's go.

Up, all right, now!

Wait a minute,
where's the referee?

I'll be the referee.

But you're partial.

When I came in
here, I was partial.

Now, I'm not too sure.

Ah, forget it, I'll
call you back.

What do you want
now, network coverage?

No, you want to be my referee?

I'm busy right now.

Listen, once we
get the fight started

it'll only take a second.

Fellas, this is Mr. Feldman,
he's going to be the referee.

You the two fighters?

That's right.

Okay, boys, mix it up.

What, what, look!

You haven't even introduced us.

Big, tough-looking guy,
meet little, sappy-looking guy.

Okay, boys, mix it up.

Wait a minute.

Which is my corner?

Pick a corner, any corner.

It's so hard to decide.

They all look alike... take one!

I'll take this one.

No, no.

I want this one.

No, I...

Take a corner! Here's a
pretty corner right here.

All right.

Splint, will you stop this?

Oh, I'll stop it.

If he'll start it, I'll stop it.

Did he come here
to fight or redecorate?

I'll redecorate him.

( sneezes )

Bless you.

Gesundheit.

Bless you.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, wouldn't you know it.

I forgot my mouthpiece.

That's okay, here, I got one.

That's filthy. No it ain't.

I make everybody wipe
it off after they use it.

Put it in boiling water
for half an hour... maybe.

Unger, I promise not
to hit you in the mouth.

So let's go, please?

Stop the preliminaries,
get on with the bout.

Got to warm up, don't I?

Anything you say, Cassius.

That's a warm up?

It is for him.

All right.

( sniffing and snorting )

Your hands are shaking.

I'm nervous.

You're nervous? Yeah.

If you had any brains
you'd be nervous, too.

Make a nice bow.

A nice bow.

They don't give any
points for neatness, Felix.

You still got a chance
to run, you know.

How were you at running
at that C.P.A. school?

Tuck in the ends.

Tuck in the ends?

Tuck in the ends.

Okay?

Right.

That's a boy, killer.

I'm ready.

Can I punch him now?

If you don't, I will.

( cracking )

Felix, get up.

The fight's about to start.

My back is locked.

Locked?

Oh, hey, you got
to stop the fight.

Are you kidding?

What are you talking about?

His back is locked,
he can't move.

He's lucky... he won't
have so far to fall.

You're still going to hit him?

Yeah, he came here to fight
and he's gonna get punched.

Oh, no, no, you're
not going to hit him.

All right, I'll hit you!

( groaning )

Shouldn't have done that.

That's it!

Irma.

I'm going home to my mother.

Oh, Irma, I... I...

And here, take back
your season tickets.

I don't want to see you

or another one of your
stupid hockey games again.

Irma, I need you.

Who's going to sit
back and talk to me...

Be right back with
the First Aid kit.

I think... I think
I can move now.

It's too late.

You okay?

No, but at least my
eyes are going to match.

Thanks, Oscar.

It was nothing.

You didn't have to stand
up for me, you know.

But we're here because
you stood up for me.

Friends stand up for each other.

Yeah.

So, Felix, how come
we can't stand up?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪